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You may be interested in reading some of David Benatar's works, namely Better Never to Have Been.

I sympathise with much of Benatar and Schopenhauer's writings, with the degrading climate and environment only reinforcing these beliefs. The only reason I remain a fence sitter is because I know I'm a hypocrite, as well as other philosophical and metaphysical beliefs.

I do however advise you not to pay too much attention to the antinatalism subreddit unless you're well versed in filtering biases. It seems to be heavily populated with misanthropes, and in my opinion is a pretty shallow take on antinatalism as a philosophical idea.

There was also a discussion about this on metafilter. Many women have commented that they experienced similar bad treatment in regards to doctors. It's worth a look as well, imo.

One comment: >Oh wow, this.

>I was 37 when I attemped pregnancy. Lost the baby after over three months of feeling worse than I thought possible, losing weight and being unable to sleep. Lost my job. Was repeatedly told "God only gives us what we can handle" by useless in-laws. Most horrifying was the attitude of every medical professional I dealt with, all of whom insisted that I was DOING IT WRONG. "Eat soda crackers, you'll be fine!" The miscarriage was a nightmare, with so much blood and pain meds delayed for hours because they needed "the doctor's okay, and we can't reach him."

>I have not willingly gone to a doctor since that experience. Meanwhile, my MD has just begun serving a lengthy term for murdering his wife.

Another comment: >The baby was tiny, I had to eat better, I was massively overweight, I had to diet. Whatever I did, I was wrong.

>It enrages me that so many people, even doctors who should know better, attribute so much of pregnancy to the actions of the pregnant person, when in truth she has little to no control over how her body reacts over those forty weeks. I had a "good" pregnancy: I have a history of high blood pressure and depression but got neither, I gained exactly the recommended amount of weight, there were zero complications with the fetus, etc. My doctors kept telling me what a good job I was doing and how proud of me they were and all that, and I kept saying: BUT I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING. I've just gone about my daily business and been pregnant, I'm really pretty surprised at all this. If anything had gone wrong, it would have been equally out of my control. And the sad thing is, I think I would have expected it and blamed myself for it anyway.

You'll meet better people when you're older. Overall, people aren't ready for something serious in college. Be patient. Don't be with someone just to avoid being alone. Being in a relationship is beyond overrated unless it's the RIGHT one. I loved being single during college, and I am glad I didn't waste all 4 years in a relationship (did waste 1 though). I honestly thought I knew who I was. But 4/5 years after graduation, and I'm really different. My opinions on children, lifestyle, politics, etc. have changed SO much more than I ever thought they could. Partially because I've mostly been single and could explore those changing views without risking alienating my partner! In college I desperately wanted a family, but now I see that isn't technically for me. I wanted that because I was afraid of being alone. But being alone rocks! I am in the best relationship of my life, but I don't think I'd be this happy if I didn't realize all the perks of being alone. All that space made me a better person and more in tune with myself. I can truly appreciate my partner for who they are, and not for what needs they fulfill in me. One of my favorite quotes shortly after my college breakup was a Kahlil Gibran quote, "The lust for comfort, murders the passions of the soul". I also enjoyed reading the book "The Mastery of Love" which reminds you that the point of relationships is to add MORE joy to our life, but not to be our only source of happiness. The only person who can make you feel happy and fulfilled is YOURSELF. Maybe you'd also enjoy the book "Learned Optimism". It's great about teaching you that happiness is a choice, but very research heavy so it's not for everyone.

At the end of the day, anyone who doesn't want to use a condom is disgusting, most likely already has an STD, and should be avoided in all costs. HPV and herpes can be caught even while using a condom so have fun, but be mindful.

The Conscious Parent by Dr. Shefali Tsabary, and Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman are both an incredible start.

Sure! Basically, we were struggling a lot to connect emotionally and have productive conversations. We weren't able to solve problems together and really plan our lives at all. I 100% think that EFT saved our marriage because it taught us that:

1) I (being the pursuer) need emotional connection and attention. I need my partner to share how they are feeling with me. I also learned that my desire to have this need be met was actually causing a lot of problems. We had had several major fights in the past that led to a fear opening up on my SO's part, etc.

2) My SO had to learn how to identify and share what he was feeling (while I stayed quiet and gave him the space to do so without derailing him or judging him).

Basically, we identified our communication pattern (we call it our tornado), which developed as a result of our attachment styles in childhood. Once we could identify that pattern, we were able to stop it in its tracks. It became us against that problem, rather than us against each other.

Any EFT couples therapist is likely to recommend the book, Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson. I recommend it as well, especially if you cannot get into therapy ASAP.

One thing to expect in the first session with EFT is being asked what initially attracted you to your partner/spouse and when was your first big fight was and what caused it. This can give the therapist a lot of insight into your pursuer/withdrawer patterns and once that comes to light, it is like BAM! Such an eye-opening experience.

Hope this is helpful!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BKRZX75K?ref_=pe_3052080_397514860

I wrote this book and released it in Amazon last week. It's a funny look at a very serious topic and my life is on full display in my journey and decision to be childfree. Nothing is off limits in this examination of life and mental health and happiness are a central theme

I HIGHLY recommend this book: The Parenthood Decision: Discovering Whether You Are Ready and Willing to Become a Parent . I was in a similar situation, and it was a tremendous aid to clarify my thinking, and get me off the fence.

You can stop procrastinating if you know how your mind works. BEING ME BEING FREE explains everything with simple words and pictures. Change your thinking, change your life! Learn more here.

I have adhd too. i think i've finally found a solution of sorts, which might take a long time to fix, but it seems like i might be on the right path. There's this book i just read and it seems to give me answers to problems i didnt know might be related to adhd. https://www.amazon.com/Scattered-Attention-Deficit-Disorder-Originates-ebook/dp/B002UZDTFG I suggest you read it. It might also give you thoughts on how you might want to care for your child who might also be predisposed to ADD, maybe even help you with your own healing.

Definitely try that!

The Baby Decision is also an awesome book with tons of exercises to help you break down what you think about kids. The author is really neutral & balanced (keeps saying and giving examples of how both decisions are totally fine) and just helps you get clear on what YOU think.

Good luck! ☺️

Check out r/tokophobia -- there was a recent post of someone who overcame the fear and had a positive birth.

Also check out Fearless Birthing podcast.

And the related book https://www.amazon.com/Fearless-Birthing-stress-free-childbirth-experience-ebook/dp/B0779H48YJ

I've never been pregnant, so I can't answer any questions about that. But it jumped out to me when you said you're not genuinely excited about the baby. Pregnancy is definitely tough but it's also ~9 months compared to ~20 years of actually raising a child. So separate from pregnancy/childbirth, is child-REARING something you want to do?

I highly recommend reading The Baby Decision with your husband if you haven't already. They have a ton of exercises to help you separate all the different aspects of parenthood (pregnancy, birth, early childhood, later childhood, impacts on the rest of your life, etc. etc.) and help you get a clear picture of where you stand.

I totally recognize that the pregnancy and newborn phase scares you, but it may be helpful to put that in context with all the other phases and impacts of parenthood to decide if you think it's worth it for you.

I was super nervous about going on benzos since I had heard horror stories about addiction, and I'd never taken any psych meds before in my life. But it was actually really easy to get off of them.

I learned some alternative coping strategies like progressive muscle relaxation (PMR), CBT exercises, and mantras. I had some amazing mom friends to lean on as well, through an organization called Mamistad that groups you with women in your area expecting at the same time as you. One of them was also on klonopin for panic attacks, and she was able to make it through some tough challenges without needing them again. I'd strongly recommend this book for preparing. And the VA's Insomnia Coach app has a good PMR track.

Unless you are ultra abusive and your children live in absolute fear of you, some tantrums and "bad manners" are to be expected with small children. It's developmentally appropriate for kids to have melt downs because they are literally incapable of regulating their emotions until a certain age.

There are, however, lots of parenting techniques that help kids recognize their emotions, validate their feelings, and teach them how to interact with others. Basically, treating the kids with the respect you would show any other human instead of treating them like possessions. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen is a great start in communicating better with young kids to help avoid total melt downs without invalidating the child.

People who expect their kids to be quiet as a mouse and completely inoffensive, probably shouldn't have any.

https://getpocket.com/explore/item/how-people-decide-whether-to-have-children?utm_source=pocket-newtab

I’m sorry to hear of you & your sisters trauma as well. It’s such a deep pain of betrayal to not be protected & cared for by parents & at home. I wish everyone had a safe loving home.

If it helps, the empathy & non-resentment journey has been long & been more beneficial to me than to her or anyone else.

I made some painful mistakes that led to trauma by others & I deeply hated myself for a long time. Then I learned to have empathy & compassion for myself. To understand where I was at & why I couldn’t/didn’t make a different choice & to stop feeling responsible for the hurt other people inflicted on me. In that process I realized how much worse off my mom is. Now that I don’t resent her, our relationship isn’t really better, she’s not healed or better, but I feel less burdened, less pained, less frustrated by her decisions today. Resentment can be heavy. Warranted, by all means, but heavy to carry.

Maybe this is encouragement to you, maybe not. I’d like to think we can all live a little less burdened.

Edit to add: I havent read this book through, but what I have read is very helpful. Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents https://smile.amazon.com/dp/1626251703/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_816T6614WJFXV9RS70EV

I'm not sure how old you are, but I think a lot of millennials in the U.S. feel this way. I'm 32 and just now looking at buying a house — my parents bought their house a good five or six years earlier than I am. The crazy economy/job market and student loan debt have set a lot of people in my generation back. Sometimes it can seem like those lucky few (wealthy people, celebrities) have gotten their adult card earlier than the rest of us. But you are far from alone.

Though there's nothing wrong with seeing how famous people manage their lives, I wouldn't compare yourself to them. Obviously they may have money and resources that you might not have access to that make this decision easier (re: full-time nannies.) Have you read The Baby Decision? It really helped me sort through what I think vs what other people think — and it doesn't push you toward having a child or being CF.

The poster u/MerleBombardieriMSW has verified her identity with us. She's the author of The Baby Decision, a book that's frequently discussed on this sub. We're very appreciative that she's giving us her time to answer people's questions.

It's not the epidural that blocks bonding, but there have been studies that confirm that Pitocin, a synthetic analog of Oxytocin frequently used to speed labor, DOES impact bonding as it does not pass the blood brain barrier during birth (source) . I recommend anyone who is fence-sitting to watch The Business of Being Born, which goes into this and the whole business of the medical industry during childbirth.

Totally! You know, she has a whole book of her columns, Tiny Beautiful Things, which is where I originally read this Ghost Ship one, if you feel like reading more. :) But this is the only one related to this particular issue.