Okay. Traditional guy. Man's man. My advice is tailored specifically to that.
He's going to test you. He'll suggest maybe it should end. He might mention he's considering divorce. Maybe he'll say things like, "I should find a woman who treats me right." This kind of stuff is him voicing his internal conflict. It also serves as a test. The test is very easy to pass. In each case, you just say, "no." No, I don't want a divorce. No, I don't want you to leave. No, another woman can't have you.
Fighting to keep him makes him more secure. If he vents, just know that he has to do it and let it go. There will be good days and bad. Remind him you aren't rug-sweeping and you know things aren't normal. My own wife did this by randomly apologizing out of the blue when it hadn't even been a subject of conversation. It reminded me she knew I wasn't okay yet. Don't get discouraged.
My wife says this book helped her more than the others she read.
https://www.amazon.com/What-Makes-Love-Last-Betrayal/dp/1451608489
I feel deep down how remorseful you are. If this was caused by a power dynamic and coercion, you need to make sure you’re getting support for yourself first and foremost. It may feel like you were responsible but these two things manipulated what you may have ever chosen to do in another situation. This was abuse.
I have felt that emptiness and it sounds like you’re dealing with some situational depression. What is your self care routine looking like right now? Are you eating, seeping, exercising and cleaning regularly? What happened is unfortunate but you are a callable human just like everyone else. While you may feel like you deserve abuse (the name calling from your husband), your self esteem and self worth will take a beating. I recommend Non-violent Communication so that you can both have healthier communication even if it’s tough because of the reactive emotions right now.
You’re a worthy person. Don’t let this define your life. You’ll come out of this a better person and will have learned a lot. Your husband is going through his brown journey right now and if you’re trying to reconcile, you have to do the work, but I’m so concerned because your story sounds like you were a victim here. Please take care of yourself first.
My wife felt "Helping Your Spouse..." helped far more than "Not Just Friends," but she also read a general relationship book by Gottman which covered infidelity as part of the material. I believe she thought it was good.
https://www.amazon.com/What-Makes-Love-Last-Betrayal/dp/1451608489/
IMO, she really started to get it after "Helping Your Spouse..." She was a bit in denial until then. Sort of, accidental rug-sweeping. It's like, she had to read books that told her what she was doing was in fact wrong before she realized she had started down a path that put her in a club she thought she'd never join.
I really love Esther Perel's "Where Should We Begin" - it's real recorded MC sessions with her clients that cover a variety of topics. The way that she probes to get to the heart of issues is just a master class. You can usually get a decent idea of the topic being covered from the episode description, so you can hop around to conflicts that you think would be relevant to your own journey.
(Also, her book "The State of Affairs" is equally powerful in reframing infidelity and really examining why we do it and how a relationship can survive it )
I agree with everyone that it can't be rushed, but there ARE things you can do to make sure the healing process is productive and rebuilds a firm foundation.
I'm a WP and my Dday was only 2 weeks ago, so this is all very fresh for me, but I will say that this book has been amazing for both of us so far: https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
There are chapters and passages that are addressing both parties in an affair. It's been really helpful for me to understand more about myself and what drove me to make the choices I made, as well as to understand how my BP is feeling right now. There are so many passages I've already highlighted and made notes of. I have started reading passages to him that describe me well or that I think might resonate with how he's feeling, and he's said it's very validating to know that I am starting to understand his emotional experience.
Brother, when she says you need to be stronger she's talking about something you aren't understanding. Read the book, No More Mr. Nice Guy. It will help change your life.
It did for me.
Good luck brother.
Brother, when she says you need to be stronger she's talking about something you aren't understanding. Read the book, No More Mr. Nice Guy. It will help change your life.
It did for me.
Good luck brother.
Haha i may reread it myself to keep myself on track sometimes. When things get heated, its easy to forget. As a BS, its easy to get angry about the idea of doing "your part" in the reconciliation, but whether or not we contributed to any conditions that led to the infidelity, we do have a role in making it work, and self correcting, if what we're doing isn't helping (like kicking holes in walls).
The author is eddie capparucci https://www.amazon.com/Going-Deeper-Addiction-Recovery-Childhood/dp/B096YW2ZTX and the companion workbook. I gotta warn you tho.. its not the most well written piece, in that its repetitive, but maybe this is by design. Separately, its got a lot of scripture sprinkled throughout. And its written as if its for a heterosexual, married, christian male. The bad reviews are legit. But i chose it based on another poster on this sub, and i liked that it :
1) had a workbook component, and i think practicing the material in your head is good, and suited my WS who was averse to writing down his thoughts,
2) does put the responsibility on the WS. It has the WS acknowledge their past, tries to get them to reflect upon themselves, and what thoughts and actions they can do to change (as opposed to blaming the BS for part of the infidelity),
3) addresses childhood trauma, that I think my WS has. Whether or not its "causal" to the infidelity, its definitely problematic to recovery, and
4) is for sex addicted behaviors, which my WS has a history of (but i don't think hes doing it any more.
Another book im about to start soon is this one https://www.amazon.com/Raising-Emotionally-Intelligent-Child-Parenting/dp/0684838656.. its not about infidelity, but im hoping we can practice being sensitive and communicate better with each other. Plus its a gottman book.