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I'm having difficulty following this. You're a software engineer with a combined income in the top 5%? So I'm assuming your combined income is around $250k+. That's a lot.
I'm a software engineer in the northeast and my wife and I are no where near the top 5%. Top 30% if we're lucky. We now have a 5 month old that is in day care. We bought a very modest house before she was born because a 1br apartment wasn't going to cut it.
Hate to be the bearer of bad news but you were living a little "too" comfortably and will need to be cut your expenses dramatically if you're now going to be making $30k a year.
1) I don't have a number but I'm pretty sure most parents don't pay for their children's college 100%. My parents didn't. Now I have an insane amount of student loan debt. You're putting too much pressure on yourself thinking you'll be able to pay for it all. Who knows, maybe it'll be free by the time they go...
2) $3k a month in savings is pretty insane. You are barely keeping a float WITH saving this much or WITHOUT? I must have not understood that correctly. Since my daughter was born and started going to daycare, I'm lucky if I can put $100 into my savings every month.
3) WTF are eating that cost $2000 a month? Food bills definitely add up and are hard to budget. My wife does most of the shopping so I don't know how much she spends exactly but she's pretty frugal and we don't really eat anything other than dinner (no snacks/soda/junk etc..). I'm guessing it's around $300 a month. Since daycare has started I had to stop eating out at work for lunch. Paying $5-$10+ a day adds up immensely and just cutting back (not completely out) to once or twice a week saves a ton.
4) As far as time management, this is tough. You mentioned you have a 3 year old. I feel like you should be used to not having any time to yourself or not being able to do anything 3 years ago. Is this a new thing you're experiencing? With my 5 month old daughter, I've committed most of my spare time to her or helping around the house when my wife is busy with her. It sucked at first but I'm now used to it and it's really not that bad any more. Also, I work so much that I only see her for an hour or two a day so the free time I do get, I want to see spend with her.
I still don't understand why this is showing up now and not 3 years ago. I feel like you'd be a pro at it at this point.
I'm only 5 months into this parenting thing but I've quickly learned that you need to sacrifice a lot for your children/wife/marriage to make it work. If saving less, eating out less, buying a smaller house and budgeting better are the sacrifices needed to keep your children on track, your marriage healthy and your wife happy then it has to be done.
A shameless plug but I developed this app to help emulate different expense/income situations to see how much I could afford each month. Maybe it'll help you budget better? That was the intention at least. https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=monthly.income.simulator