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Idk for sure but, I read a book once by Nancy Verrier in which she writes about adoptee's and their "luggage". She has a adopted daughter herself and she writes from her own knowledge as well as others. And I recall a chapter where she writes about love, and how an adoptee CAN switch/mix up(?) Sensual feelings with pure sexual feelings. Both are perfectly natural but should be kept apart. It's not anyone's fault, but it's good to acknowledge that it happens.
I've read the book in Dutch so I'm sorry if anything got lost in the translation, I'm no expert either so i would suggest reading the book for yourself and interpret it for yourself. It's worth 100% of your money and time.
https://www.amazon.com/Primal-Wound-Understanding-Adopted-Child/dp/0963648004
I wouldn’t judge you as “messed up.” I think you have very good reasons for having the attachment style you have. However, as someone who has struggled with attachment, it’s hard to attract others who will invest in you emotionally if you aren’t capable of it yourself. You could end up very, very lonely as a result, even if you are in a relationship and have friends.
I always wondered why I felt so alone, in spite of having people around. I have had to learn to not rely on other detached people, because they ultimately won’t be able to give me the connection and intimacy I crave. I am still friends with some of the same people, but I don’t try to rely on them for emotional support anymore. Extensive therapy has helped me start to heal my attachment wounds and attract more emotionally available people. I actively look for it now, and it makes such a difference. I’m finally starting to feel less “alone” for the first time in my life.
The middle ground is actually needing people but holding boundaries, communicating needs, asking for help but respecting others’ boundaries, etc. Trust me, I’ve had to learn this stuff like an alien would. ;) This is a great book about attachment:
Good luck!
I recently read a book by an adoptee with a story that sounds a lot like yours. Check it out, maybe friend the author on Facebook https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08MVFPGNT/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
Only speaking to the last point, but yes, you absolutely should talk about it, starting now. Much the same way you would talk about his adoption from the get-go (I hope you are anyway).
I am adopted (me my family are all white) and 2 cousins who are also adopted, one who is of a different race. We were talking one time about how our whole family likes to say we are "color blind" in that, we don't view anyone differently because of their race. My cousin was raised that way by my very well-intentioned and loving aunt and uncle. She was always told she's just a normal American girl like any other girl. While true, she has come to realize that it was like denying the elephant in the room: She IS their daughter, in every sense, but she IS ALSO a person of color. She said that IS part of who and what she is and she felt like it was denied all that time.
So of course this won't be a one-time conversation, but life long. And I think you're do just fine because you have the more important things down already: You love him, and you're seeking out ways to raise him the best! :)
I'm going to guess you've read a ton already on this, but in case you haven't, there is a lot out there. This was is very highly regarded and reviewed.
https://www.amazon.com/Dim-Sum-Bagels-Grits-Multicultural/dp/0374526117
I was actually looking for books for the child in a transracial adoption and I'm sure there have to be many, but my lunch period is over. :)
Congrats to you and best of luck with your sweet boy!!