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The first anniversary after DDay is going to be hard on her.
Ask her what she wants. She may not even want to celebrate the day. Right now it’s very raw for her.
Healing timeline for infidelity is 2-5 years. First year is her processing what has happened.
Right now she is riding an emotional rollercoaster.
Also, making it to 8 has everything to do with you and how you put into place changes to help her feel safe.
Read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda McDonald. It will give you a basis on the things she needs from you.
You can get it from amazon.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/145055332X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_qagUybCZE9ZZT
Also Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass
This will help you understand how your boundaries were such that you allowed an affair into your life.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0743225503/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_XagUybMQYXFG2
Good luck tonight.
The one by MacDonald. I'll edit my post to be clearer. Thank you.
I did cry several times while reading that book as it was conveying my pain/issues perfectly.
And it did the trick in allowing my wayward to more fully understand what they needed to do and why. They read it in one evening (plus I had annotated almost every page with notes) and the look on their face told me just how much efficacy it had had.
It was recommended by another redditor, I found it on Amazon
You’re not alone. That’s what this sub and others are for, you might also want to check out r/AsOneAfterInfidelity for more support.
I’m three weeks out from D-Day, was in an argument about something else and when she caught me in one stupid lie and asked what else I was hiding I came clean about visiting sex workers sporadically throughout our two year relationship and very recent two month marriage. I broke her. She had a very rough childhood and had literally never met anyone that she could be 100% honest, 100% vulnerable with. We had an open relationship so the worst part is I could have shared what I was going but had too much shame and fear, i.e. ego.
First days were hell, considered suicide for blowing the most beautiful thing I’d ever experienced in my life. Since then I’ve started IC and joined a 12 step program. Have also read and written a lot on this and other subs. It has helped to know I’m not alone and that others have gotten through this.
We are currently living apart, she needs time to figure things out and I have to respect that. At first I thought a lot about how dumb I was, how I could have done things differently, if this was the end. Since then I’ve realized that if I ever want a chance at being back together with her then the only thing I can do is work on myself. Try to understand what led me to that in the first place and remember that one action doesn’t define me. I’m trying to be the best version of myself for me, and if I ever have the chance, for her.
I know it’s hard and cliche but focus on you. Love yourself, forgive yourself. I recommend reading the book:How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair
Short read and while neither of us know if we’ll get the chance to apply it I think it helps to understand the other person and what they need of you.
Best of luck and keep on writing.
Has your WS been evaluated by a CSAT? Has he recieved a professional diagnosis? I only ask this because of the huge number of WS that I have seen claim sex addiction over the last 5 years that I have participating in various online forums.
The consensus is that a full evaluation is needed because some WS will claim this as the cause of their infidelity.
I would hold off the Stefanie Carnes book, and would have you look into this book first: https://www.amazon.com/Your-Sexually-Addicted-Spouse-Partners/dp/0882823094
The problem with Patrick Carnes and Stephanie Carnes is their approach to the spouse as a co-addict. While sposes of sexual addiction, in some cases, can be co-dependent, I disagree with painting a whole group of spouses with the same broad brush.
Your Sexually Addicted Spouse moves beyond this model by addressing healing for the spouse of a sex addict by not making them a co-addict, but dealing with the effects of the betrayal which rips through the life of the betrayed.
I am going to be gentle here. there are two different states of dysfunction here.
1st path is yours. You cannot control any person place or thing. You cannot make your boyfriend marry you. However you used his non-proposal on the vacation as an excuse to fill the emptiness inside you with another person.
2nd path of dysfunction is his. He insults you, he sleeps with you when drunk, he tells you that if he can get you he can get someone else, you have found boundary issues with him and other women on facebook.
Getting into IC for yourself, is a great first step, but please understand that you need to be doing this for you with no expectation that he is going to come back. You need time to figure out your whys... why did you cheat... not just the surface issues. Surface issues are the "immediate connection" or he made me feel whole, or he made me feel wanted.
We uses these surface issues like a diving board in a pool to swim deeper.
Since you are minimal contact at this point, I am going to suggest this book:
Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass https://www.amazon.com/dp/0743225503/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_XagUybMQYXFG2
This book allowed me to build boundaries that made me a safe husband in my marriage. But what you wrote shows that you have these same boundary issues yourself. Dig into these and find out how to put up those walls that make you safe.
I would also suggest the book:
Co-dependent no more
The reason why I am suggesting this book is that it seems that the relationship was not on the greatest of foundations even before you cheated.
Also I might suggest that you edit your post, and add some breaks to it so its easier to read. It will help those reading the post if its broken up in more digestible chunks.
Hang in there.