What are /r/AnxiousAttachment's favorite Products & Services?

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Absolutely. The Attached book indicates you can be a blend of more than 1 type. You can be Secure-Anxious, Anxious-Avoidant, etc.

There are little self-tests online PDF (Download this for a better reading experience) on page 39 to help you figure out where you are. Page 50 helps you with finding out where your partner is, even if you're just in the early dating stages. I find these fun to do now and then. They take just a few minutes.

Don't let one single thing tell you that you or someone else is absolutely the poster child of _____ attachment style. Instead, look for clusters.

I want you to know I'm anxious and get pre-occupied. I'm getting to know myself and what makes me upset. I have made so much progress. I'm a guy and I still withdraw and breakdown now and then when I get triggered by mostly dating and sometimes friends (not anyone's fault, not even mine). I bounce back so much quicker now and I let myself have this every single time. The better you get for yourself, the more secure you become and the better you become fit to be amazingly supportive with other people. If anxious and secure have one thing in common, it's that they're capable of legendary empathy.

I've let one of my close guy friends in on this (yes, a guy) who is secure. Don't do this alone. You have this awesome Subreddit and maybe there's someone you know IRL too. If you're shy about bringing this up with someone, I can tell you what worked for me and help you ease into talking about it.

I can relate to this as well. For the longest time in my early 20's, I was jumping from relationship to relationship and I would always be the one to end things and felt pretty fine doing so which later made me felt guilty. Like how was I so easily able to walk away from people that cared so much for me? I just chalk it up to the fact that maybe I grieved the ending of the relationships before deciding to break up.

I too jumped into a toxic relationship on and off for 3 years (wild how much time I wasted). Now I'm in a relationship with a secure and finding it difficult at times to manage my emotions (especially when we're apart) but a lot better. I will say though between the toxic relationship and this healthier one, I did give myself some breathing room to really figure out my shit a little better. I started therapy in order to remove myself from the toxic relationship at the time and to manage some of the unhealthy patterns I was seeing. It's a work in progress but I do find that's helped me tremendously.

In terms of the ex situation you're describing, its important to note that what you're attached to isn't him but the feeling he gives you, whatever that feeling is that you seek. Could be validation, companionship, sometimes "drama" or excitement, etc. I read a book that was super helpful in removing myself from those types unhealthy attachments called "How to break your addiction to a person". Some chapters were meh, but others were helpful in helping me understand the mechanics that were at play. and like I said, its still a struggle at time but the more you become attuned to yourself and what's going on, the better it will be to manage.

Listening to this book has been a game-changer in my healing process. It delves into the "why" of why we sometimes latch on to particular people and can't move on even when they're not good for us, and it also includes a lot of great exercises for moving on from them through the idealized parent figure and also getting back in touch with your own sense of self, which is often what is severely lacking when we can't seem to detach from a person who is unavailable to us.

https://www.amazon.com/Break-Your-Addiction-Person-When/dp/0553382497

I got the perfect book for you a great start

Lol, you’re arguing in bad faith they are literally called “Avoidants” for their unique habit of avoiding intimacy. I recommend this book book rec

Sure book

Sure, I learned that my anxiety won’t go away but I’ve learned to live with it. Over time it gets easier to manage. When I get thoughts like “what if she doesn't want me anymore” I tell myself that I would be ok. I would be in pain than find someone new

There's no way around pain tho. You just have to accept that sometimes you’re going to get hurt but love is worth it.

I recommend reading this book

You're craving an anxious partner. Avoidant partners typically date anxious, because it makes them feel wanted and secure when their partner is so obviously in distress and committed to the relationship.
Ideally a healthy relationship would be with two secure people, but even one secure person is better than none.
Two avoidants don't stay together long, and they're usually recycled into the dating pool more often. All this info is based on my reading from this book: https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Anxious-Avoidant-science-attachment/dp/1529032172/ref=asc\_df\_1529032172/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=380083827000&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11805087797241959665&hvpone=&hvptwo=&h...

I don't know how relevant this suggestion will be, but its an eye-opening and quite incredible resource I recently discovered by mistake by a PhD psychotherapist. Book link on Amazon by Avrum Weiss. He analyses men's sense of fear/walking on eggshells around women, and how it causes them to address problems even less in the relationship (when, paradoxically the woman senses this and feels it is even scarier than addressing problems openly with her). I wonder how much of what he says will resonate with your recent, quite normal relationship experience, and whether he can offer advice to correct the dynamic partly. This is an aside from pure attachment theory which would've also contributed to your dynamic (the impossible to reassure elements etc) but I think it connects quite importantly.

Also, given your history of perhaps dating avoidant and emotionally unavailable men, you might find this book helpful. It's helped me a LOT in realizing how common this experience is for a lot of women and it gives a lot of great advice on how to identify when it's happening and avoid it. It's written in the 80s so some bits of it are bit outdated but I generally found it quite useful.

https://www.amazon.com/Men-Who-Cant-Love-Commitmentphobic/dp/0871319993

I found this video from Esther perel really helpful in navigating ambiguous relationships.

https://youtu.be/IrkjMgAlnVk

And if you have more time, I recommend this book, I listened to the audiobook version.

https://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350

It really breaks down what are unchangeable uncompatibilities and what things can evolve and improve.

Ugh, that sounds so frustrating, though your response is amazing. I did a quick scan of your post history and it seems like you've done a lot of work on yourself and have made a bunch of progress. It sounds like he's been doing some stuff too... do you think you've outgrown him? Or that perhaps you two are momentarily out of sync and he could catch up? I can see why after six years you might feel like this relationship no longer offers you a future you find desirable and how being more secure would make the cracks in the foundation much more apparent. Given how he seems to be freaking out he may sense this too.

Either way, really crappy situation, sorry.

(Totally unrelated, but wanted to say trauma therapy improved my ability to eat intuitively and eating habits in general! Beyond the reasons provided by commenters in the thread, I think resolving trauma via somatic therapy reconnects you to your body and might improve interoception, which would enhance a person's ability to automatically tune into hunger and satiety signals and naturally regulate. Just like with emotions. I made this connection reading Intuitive Eating but never looked into it, so just fyi, may interest you!)

Lol, fair warning, the post is from an avoidant sub and is pretty blunt. But it was a good read for me and might be for you as well.

I'm sorry it's so painful. I know how awful it is to care so much about someone and try and walk away. I've been reading Clarity and Connection by Yung Pueblo and it's been tremendously helpful. There is so much beauty in acceptance. Life is nothing but constant change; the sooner we embrace this, the less tension we create for ourselves. Best of luck to you.

For sure!

I started with this:

https://youtu.be/8779P4rim80

It’s a guided meditation on YouTube that when I was in a really dark place it would feel incredibly cathartic immediately afterwards, but beware it’s tough shit. As other comments have suggested this stuff is best left to doing it with a trained professional (It hugely helped me though but did have a lot of tears involved)

Secondly I’ve bought this journal:

The Inner Child Journal: A 90... https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1736099205?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

(UK link but I’m sure it would be available internationally)

This ive only done a few days of and is more the sort of work that doesn’t give a huge amount of immediate relief but I’m certain if I stuck to this every day I’d notice a huge difference. It contains prompts to help you tap into realising your own needs and become more aware of ur own inner child etc)

Thirdly I find the best way for me to use inner child work is in times of emotional struggle. I create an inner dialogue with myself where I treat myself as a parent to a child would if a child was upset) this gives me immense comfort but for me equally helps to evaluate whatever is bothering me in a realistic way.

Some inner dialogue you could have with yourself in times of stress could be:

• I can understand you feel [stressed/upset/angry/scared]

• why do you think you feel like this?

• I love you lots and I’m so proud of how well you are doing

If you also use it in tandem with a cbt based approach it’s incredibly useful and just after a couple weeks I’ve noticed my brain chemistry changing slightly to make me more objective about my issues!

>Hi, I'm sorry to hear how you're struggling like this. One thing that's good, though, is that you're not blaming yourself for what's going on. And it's interesting to see what you say about distracting yourself with work and binge tv to get rid of this kind of intrusive thoughts. This kind of thinking is really common. You're venting (which is very good!) so I don't know whether you are looking for advice or something like that. Just in case, I'll say that I published a book last month on Amazon that explains thinking and what drives it - including this kind of thinking. BEING ME BEING FREE explains everything with simple words and pictures. Change your thinking, change your life! Learn more here. Good luck!

Reading it right now for uni, Power of Attachment by Diane Pooler Heller.

About 30 pages in, it’s already very nice with practical exercises. I actually really love it! :)

https://www.amazon.com/Power-Attachment-Lasting-Intimate-Relationships/dp/1622038258

https://www.amazon.com/Calm-Your-Thoughts-Overthinking-Stressing-ebook/dp/B0982ZKTX8/ref=sr\_1\_1?crid=OT5F65VB13EK&keywords=calm+your+thoughts&qid=1647130745&sprefix=calm+your+thoughts%2Caps%2C78&sr=8-1

CBT was immensely helpful combatting my overthinking, negative cycles, and rumination.

I read this book Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Made Simple: 10 Strategies For Managing Anxiety, Depression, Anger, Panic, And Worry https://www.amazon.com/dp/1939754852/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apip_uHaau1jBvynC5 and it was a very easy read. I’m not perfect at catching myself and breaking the cycle but I definitely can do it more often now. It was worth the read

Yeah, I like the pomodoro technique a lot and it's something I used pre-meds as the only way I could get anything done. Normally it's 25 minutes, but in the state you're talking about, I start with 15 and very simple tasks and then kind of ratchet up to 25. It allows me to at least focus for a couple of hours, however (comparatively) poorly. I bought some timers like these and have them scattered around my house so I can just quickly timebox whatever I'm doing. There are apps and of course phone timers, but the ease of just flipping one of these on their side works really well for me.

Getting your thoughts out will help a lot, I think (or hope). I sometimes wonder if my rumination habit came partially from my desperation to remember things, so writing it down at least solves for that concern. If you're not used to doing that, just really do huge brain dumps like you did here. I tend to write on paper, so I keep a notepad nearby for when I'm distracted by a thought that's likely to turn into a rumination and write it down quickly. I also use my lil timers for that (give myself 5-10 mins to write it out).