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I'm so sorry. I can see why this would be stressful for you. You might like to read the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson. You can read it or listen to it for free on the Libby app (just need a library card number).

The best thing you can do is learn to set boundaries early on and make decisions that are best for you & your wellbeing. If you want to remain living with your dad, it's ok for you to do that. If you want to go live with your sister (if that's a real option), you can do that too. You get to decide.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. No, you're not an asshole for supporting your parents' divorce. Unfortunately parents don't always know what they're doing and can cause a lot of damage to their kids unintentionally. It's ok for you to be angry about this. But please find a healthy way to communicate your anger, and talk to someone (a counselor or therapist) about how you're feeling.

There's a really great book, I don't know if you might be a little young for it but maybe it would help, called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson. It helps sort out your parents' actions and how they've affected you, and how to heal from that.

We can learn a lot from our parents. Even what not to do. I know it's hard while you're going through it though. Hang in there 💛

Infidelity and lying are very real traumas for the whole family (it hurts everyone, not just the betrayed other parent). It's normal and ok for you to feel angry at your cheating parent. Your feelings are your feelings. You do not have to keep a relationship with someone who continues to lie to you and hurt you. Even if it's your parent.

If you need to step away, or set some sort of boundary for yourself, that's ok. They made their choices, and now you get to make yours. It doesn't have to be forever, but if that's what you need right now you can do that.

If you're on Instagram, check out Nedra Tawwab. She's a therapist and writes about boundaries and family dynamics. You can read through her IG account, it's all really good stuff.

You definitely aren't responsible for supporting your parents through this. They should have therapists and friends to help them and should not be leaning on you. Though I can understand feeling like you want to do something.

Think about what you need during this time and do that. Do you have friends you can lean on and/or a counselor you can talk to?

A couple books that might be helpful for you to read:

Parents Who Cheat by Ana Nogales, and

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson

You might be able to read them for free on the Libby app (I always check there first). I'm sorry you're going through this 🖤

Hugs to you. I'm so sorry.

>I don’t know if I’m still hurt from childhood trauma or from the trauma of how we found out about the divorce. Or, even, the context of how they started dating and how similar it felt to the affairs.

It sounds like many years of trauma, psychological abuse, keeping secrets, etc. Your feelings are totally understandable. It's normal that you feel the way you do, and it's ok to set boundaries that feel right for you. You do not have to see your mom's boyfriend if you don't want to (it sounds like you're old enough that you don't have to be there, yes?). And you can tell your step-dad what really happened so you're not carrying that secret.

>My mom blames me and says I need to get over my hurt that she caused.

This is not ok for your mom to say to you. It's not your fault and you don't have to just "get over it." She's deflecting so she doesn't have to be responsible and accountable for her actions.

Two books I recommend you read:

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson

and When Parents Cheat by Dr. Ana Nogales

Look them up on the Libby app, you should be able to read them for free there. They'll both be very helpful for you. 💛

I'm so sorry. People do this a lot and never consider how it affects their kids. It's not fair. He's put you in a really shitty position.

It's ok for you to distance yourself as much as you need. He made his choices, and now you get to make yours.

You might like to read the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay Gibson.

If your mom needs some support, please direct her to the website ChumpLady. She can read through all the blog posts there, they're really great and so helpful when going through infidelity trauma. (And it is a very real trauma for the whole family)

There's also a book from the same person who runs that website that I found really helpful (I'm in the same position as your mom right now), called Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life.

Does your mom have a therapist (or family or friends?)? If not, she needs one asap. Call an adult family member and have them help her. Unfortunately a lot of parents don't have the emotional maturity needed to handle situations like this in a healthy way, and they drag their kids into it.

She should read this book. It will help her get through this. Being betrayed and going through a divorce are really difficult, painful, traumatic events, and she's probably overwhelmed by her feelings.

But that isn't your responsibility and she shouldn't be asking you to be angry with her. You need to process your own feelings. A book that might be helpful for you is "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay Gibson.

It gives advice for how to handle parents like this and is just a great book all around for dealing with emotionally immature people in general. I highly recommend it.

You can set a boundary with her, like "Mom, I love you and I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time. I want to be here for you, but I can't support you the way you need. I'm your child and that's not appropriate, and it's hurting our relationship. I hope you'll seek out a therapist to help you through this in an appropriate, healthy way. I want to see you get better and be happy."

Then if she tries to talk to you about it, you can say something like "I don't feel comfortable talking about that, mom. Let's talk about something else." If she continues, you repeat it, and if necessary add "I'm going to leave if you try to talk to me about this again." And if she does, get up and leave (go to the other room, leave the house, or whatever you need).

It's ok for you to set a boundary with her about this. It'll be healthy for you and her, even if it makes her upset at first. 💛