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Hi! I have not read this myself yet, but was pointed here: https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703
I have also found the author on some podcasts which have been helpful to hear!
You're a good person. That's why his manipulation works. You have to ruthlessly look at your situation. If your sibling was in a relationship like your, what would you recommend? I found it helpful to make a list of every incident when he's drinking/using.
Also, I can't say this loud enough - go to Al Anon. They are all about empowering your to detach from the user-abuser and stop being codependent, and stop trying to fix/control his drinking. I've found their philosophy useful in all kids of situations. The meeting are cheap (typically $5 donation). I'm sure they have online meetings.
Read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025
Morally, legally, and socially, no you are not obligated to help your brother.
One thing I did notice is that neither you nor your brother communicates well and I'm sure it's got a lot to do with how you grew up. I grew up in a home where communication wasn't always ideal, and something that helped me was the book Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B005K0AYH4).
If it was me I would still help find a place for the brother to live, but 100% would not cosign on a lease, loan, anything. Best of luck and hopefully things improve for everyone.
I have friends who absolutely DETEST kids. I keep kids away from them because they'll comment out loud and bark at them and I can't stand that kind of behavior from an adult towards a kid who's just being a child. This is kind of your brother's problem more than it is yours. Can you talk to him about it? Your #1 priority is your child. An adult was misbehaving and you did the right thing by protecting him from that adult and removing yourselves from the situation. I *do* think he would be affected even if he didn't directly notice, because humans still use body language and it has an effect.
If you think you're going to have to spend time around her, present her with a set of earplugs next time because yeah, there's only so much you can do about her. These are the earplugs I use because misophonia: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00SYEHC64/ref=ppx\_yo\_dt\_b\_search\_asin\_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1
You might also want to look into behavior modification and see if there's a way you can redirect your son's excitement from screeching to something else. Obviously, this isn't going to last forever but if it lasts another 3 years, that's kind of a long time looking at it from this side. If his screeching is in response to something else happening, learning what that is can also help you with taking a practiced avoidance.
Ah... welcome to misophonia. I have had it all my life but never knew what it was until last year. It seems to run in my family, or at least my father had a problem but hearing loss has really made it a lot easier for him. It is NOT trivial!! You are not alone, either.
If you want to make me vomit and run screaming through the streets you'll force me to listen to lip smacking/saliva.. ugh, I'm having a hard time just writing it out. It doesn't make me angry as some others with the condition react, but it's repulsive and I want to fucking SCREAM and spew vomit all at the same time.
Even better; my husband takes meds that cause him to smack his lips. He literally cannot take a drink or bite of ANYTHING without making the noises. I spent almost a year doing everything I could to avoid sitting next to him, which of course caused a bit of an upset. I finally confessed to him what I was experiencing. He asked me to let him know when he was doing it, I warned him that he had no idea just how often he does it and that it would take less than a week for him to get angry with me. Guess how that worked out.
My final solution has been earplugs, or rather AN earplug, in the ear that's 'facing' him. Yes, it interferes with being able to hear what's being said on the tv, and because I can only hear from the opposite ear whenever there's some other sound it confuses me. But I no longer feel trapped and ready to vomit, I'm not sitting there trying to figure out another 'good' way to get away from sitting next to someone I love.
These are the ones I ended up with as many other earplugs hurt my ear canal. Instructions say not to cut into pieces but using a whole one is too big for my ears and gets hella hair stuck in it, so I do pinch it in half. Just don't shove it all the way inside, just make sure that it's covering the opening and you'll be golden.
Either lock or get a littler gadget they sale on amazon where it prevents anyone coming and (tell no one) here’s link: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08PTC5K1B/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_HM23YJS6WTY2D9MQWYER?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
It doesn’t have to be this one specifically they do have other options Or lock you fridge.