You are in the correct place I think. I'm sorry that happened and believe me, I understand wanting to have all the information available, I was the same way with my wife. As far an I am aware, those records should be available by request. You will likely have to go to the responding police department in person to obtain the police report. I would call the PD and ask if they can mail it out of state though. As for the autopsy report, I have linked a wiki how page. Based on my experience, they really won't be that forthcoming with anything and you will likely have to ask them to explain exactly what their process is. I hope this helps and good luck.
Oh yeah, as for the notes, I feel that was a really shitty thing to keep them from you. The police may have taken them as evidence though and may be in the report because with any sudden and unexpected death, it is always investigated even if it was pretty clearly suicide, just to be sure.
A while ago, I heard about a man in Japan who lost his family, as did many, in the Japanese tsunami. He put a phone booth on his property where people come from many miles around to talk on this unconnected phone to their dead relatives. It's a tremendous gift to people. They feel weird when they come, and somehow better when they go.
I texted my dead father when my son committed suicide. I told him how awful it was.
A day later I got a text reply back because my father's number had been reassigned. It was a compassionate reply explaining that this was no longer my father's number, something I knew would happen eventually. I sat with that fact for a bit, and then I texted back with a message something like: "I have to ask a favor of you. I lost my father a couple years ago, and now I've lost my son. I won't do this very often, but every once in a great while, I will want to send a message into the mist. You don't have to read them. If this is not ok with you, tell me so and I'll stop." I never received a reply. I've since sent a message or two into the mist, and I guess it's ok.
I personally don't think you should channel your grief quietly. I think you should do whatever you need to do, and you will find that will be met with the compassion of others, even if clumsily expressed. The acceptance of the support of others in your grief will be the easiest way to get through it.
I know that finding a therapist is painful but I would recommend finding another. I never knew the difference between a therapist and a GREAT therapist until I met one. The specific existential feeling about being the only person that was aware that this person was deceased really struck me just now. I think you should read this book. The author is a world renowned grief expert and an excellent therapist. Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss, and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief https://www.amazon.com/dp/1614292965/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_bHeiFbKMFG5G0
Hey! This group has helped me a lot too, mainly helped me feel a lot less alone in many ways. I would recommend this guys book silent grief or even just watch his talk on YouTube as that's basically the book. Helped me cope for a while and put some pieces of the puzzle together in regards to feelings of guilt/anger etc for me. Hope it helps!
Life after suicide - Talk by Christopher Lukas
Silent grief - Christopher lukas
I am sending you so much love.
My best friend died of suicide a few years ago and she hung herself on her closet door in her studio apartment. One of the ways my grief manifested was curiosity and inquisition. I hope this knowledge helps you, and know that everyone grief is different and there’s no right way.
My grief manifested in many other ways beyond research. I was very angry and isolated for a while. I started writing to her in a journal, started painting in grief therapy and now just as a general hobby, started running, and read a book that helped. This subreddit helped me a whole lot, truly.
I see thank you for sharing so much of your life here. I can see that on top of the suicide the relationships not only with her but around her were strained and you witnessed a good amount of domestic violence. As you mentioned you're likely suffering from emotional neglect as well. I suspect you may be suffering from r/CPTSD as well. I don't want to diagnose of course but I do recommend you look into what it is and if it feels like it may apply to you.
Check out the intro for <em>Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving</em> it provides a multifaceted approach to healing from dysfunction such as you described. If you do check it out I'd like to know if it resonates with you.
My daughter got a tattoo to memorialize her brother. She did it about 2 months after his celebration of life. She has a number of tattoos, and all are meaningful to her. I think it is a fine way to memorialize his life.
For the 4 year old, you don't have to tell him it was suicide. The child is too young to understand the deep parts of the situation.
There are a number of books on the subject that may help. Here's one I found.
Something Very Sad Happened
When I lost my grandfather at age 5, I remember my parents sitting me down to tell me, in the usual way, that grandpa had gone to heaven, and could not live here on earth with us anymore. For my small, naive mind, that was enough. How it happened didn't matter to me.
I recommend this book:
It's probably the best book I've read so far on grief, and even though it's not themed around suicide (there are definitely experiences from people that have lost loved ones to suicide), it's been incredibly helpful. I hope that it helps you out in some way.
My husband committed suicide when our daughter was 16 months old in 2018; I’ve written about him a lot to work thru it here if you want to check my page. I don’t know if it will help. We had a complicated marriage and he’d relapsed. She’s 5 now and in the years he’s been gone I’ve tried different ways to keep him alive for her that might help?
•I made her a blanket out of all the pictures of him and her together.
•On her birthdays we look at all her past years so she sees how she’s growing and that he was still in them; this also gives her a chance to talk about him.
•I replicate old photos I took of him but with her in them - it makes her feel closer seeing that they stood in the same place together.
•I saved audio clips of him talking to her to a stuffed bear she can squeeze and hear his voice. (Saved off of old fcbk videos)
I also let all the adults we come into contact with (doctors, teachers, etc) discreetly that there is just a mom. Please don’t ask about a dad unless she brings it up because he died. I don’t tell them why bc I don’t think they need to know but I’m pretty up front enough to let them know not to make stuff awkward if the topic of family comes up.
There’s a really good book I got that I’m still working my way thru that might also help: The Loss That Is Forever: The Lifelong Impact of the Early Death of a Mother Or Father
Hey there. This is actually almost a direct paraphrasing of Thich Nhat Hanh (I've never watched the show, but heard it's good).
I don't know if this would be helpful, but the book No Death, No Fear is an easy read that explores this idea even more. If that quote is comforting, then the book might be as well.
I am sorry for your loss and hope the grief eases.
I too had to leave everything but because his family was toxic and contributed to his issues. We moved to a much more rural area and spend a ton more time outside. We have a garden and she has a new school that’s a lot more personal and she’s making friends. Kids are resilient; but she will need you to show her she’s resilient if that makes sense? Condense the changes as much as you can and something we do is when she starts to feel disregulated or act out I ask “do you need a hug”? I come from abusive parents and I’ve read a ton of parenting self-help books; Hunt, Gather, Parent is excellent bc I was getting triggered constantly by her emotions bc I wasn’t coping with or processing mine (grief is hard to go thru when momming has to come first) so I would suggest therapy for yourself; if just to have someone to talk to and cry with that will give you an objective and safe space to do so in. Youre a good woman. You’re a good mom. You’re gonna get thru this.
I couldn't even finish reading, I stopped at replaying the last time u spoke.
😭I did the same thing. It was a loop in my head that played over and over. It's called PTSD. The only thing that helped me was EMDR treatments. I did two treatments in the office of my psychologist. Brilliant. The first session the loop stopped 90% and the second session I stopped replaying completely. My insurance covered it and it was easy.
I replayed my dads and my last words which was a fight and then I replayed which route i thought he took and how his walk would have been and picking the tree. Did he use his belt, rope and I replayed over and over how when why. It was devastating. I understand your pain. Please check out EMDR
Of course, I'm happy it helped someone else as well. When I find it hard to write physically, I use write.as to quickly jot down my thoughts and emotions. It puts you in an environment where all you can only do is write.
Good luck with the letters, and write/type them in any way you feel comfortable with. The offer stands with you if you want someone to listen/read your letters as well. It helps to share :) Doesn't have to be me, can be family or a close friend, as long as it's shared. Take care <3
My husband committed suicide when our daughter was 16 months. I had to change everything. I let go of the house, the car, and my job and moved someplace rural to start over. It was hard; we’d been in love since we were 10 and life had been hard but I thought we were gonna get thru it together. Hed been diagnosed with depression and had been trying Zoloft but also struggled with addiction. He wasn’t suicidal; he actually spoke against suicide quite often because his grandfather had done it but something changed. A perfect storm and he was gone. I’m sorry. I know how this feels. Take it one day at a time. Try to hold onto the good parts and not hold onto the anger for your children. Try to take care of yourself. There’s a book that helped me understand how my daughter will process this and it might help your children too: The Loss That Is ForeverThe Loss that is Forever: The Lifelong Impact of the Early Death of a Mother Or Father by Maxine Harris
The book I got the most from was:
Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide
Here's the link to it on Amazon - Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide https://www.amazon.com/dp/0375701478/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_V0YZY2HZYT06H5B1APA8
I would recommend a great book that helped me (I just my sister and only sibling).
The Forgotten Mourners: Sibling Survivors of Suicide by John's Sister
Here's a link to it on Amazon
This book helped me a little - A Man's Search For Meaning
From the description: "An enduring work of survival literature,” according to the New York Times, Viktor Frankl’s riveting account of his time in the Nazi concentration camps, and his insightful exploration of the human will to find meaning in spite of the worst adversity, has offered solace and guidance to generations of readers since it was first published in 1946. At the heart of Frankl’s theory of logotherapy (from the Greek word for “meaning”) is a conviction that the primary human drive is not pleasure, as Freud maintained, but rather the discovery and pursuit of what the individual finds meaningful. Today, as new generations face new challenges and an ever more complex and uncertain world, Frankl’s classic work continues to inspire us all to find significance in the very act of living, in spite of all obstacles."
Silent grief by Christopher Lukas helped me to understand the grief i was going through a little more:
He also has an interesting lecture that i had seen before i got the book, although he mentions a book of his i have not read in this lecture 'Blue Jeans':