Does it say, that the downloaded file is corrupt or that some file on your system is corrupt?
Did you download the online installer, or the offline installer?
Try downloading both the 32bit and the 64bit versions from http://www.java.com/en/download/manual.jsp - this is the manual download.
Then you can try reinstalling the 32bit version, followed by the 64bit version.
If that doesn't work either, download JavaRa from http://singularlabs.com/software/javara/ and remove all Java traces then try to reinstall.
Assuming you're on Windows and you got the standard JDK 8 offline installer from the Oracle website then try using JavaRA to completely remove any trace of Java and installing again. Make sure you're installing as an administrator user and it might be worth turning off any realtime virus protection during the install.
Try this for a thorough uninstall:
http://singularlabs.com/software/javara/
Then install Java JDK 8
http://www.oracle.com/technetwork/java/javase/downloads/jdk8-downloads-2133151.html
because it doesn't try to install the Ask toolbar and doesn't install the insecure browser plugin. When it tells you that it will now install a JRE, don't say no.
Could also be malware. Or a driver problem. Though a simple window-application with Java should work, no matter the drivers.
I suggest using something like JavaRa to take care of that for you. And, unless you are a Java dev, or are required to use a tool that specifies that you need v6, remove the old version.
Try running SingularLabs JavaRa and removing the JRE. This will forcibly wipe everything on your system relating to Java; files, directories and registry keys. Then reinstall Java and test.
I also found another place the Java options can be located. Control Panel > Java > Java tab > Runtime Parameters column (doubleclick to edit)
Unless you absolutely need it for something, avoid installing Java, Flash and Adobe Reader on your computer and use Chrome instead. Chrome can run these right out of the box and keep them updated automatically. These programs are huge exploit magnets.
If you have Java installed, use JavaRa to remove older versions every time you update since they're not uninstalled automatically. Keeping them around makes your more vulnerable to exploits.
In this case I'd suggest trying another PC with a different internet connection to download Java (the offline installers).
Also, try to run JavaRA to completely wipe each and every trace of Java on your machine. JavaRA can also download the runtime for you - maybe it works from there.
Try JavaRA for uninstalling, then do a clean Java reinstall, preferably of the right bit version for your system. Windowskey + Pause should bring up a window that tells you if the system is 64 or 32 bit. Btw., if you decide to install the JDK instead of the JRE, you don't get the dangerously insecure browser plugin and also won't be asked if you want the superfluous garbage that the Ask Toolbar is. The JDK will also install a JRE (which you should not prevent).
You could try removing all remaining traces of the Java Runtime with JavaRA.
Then download the offline installers:
and try to install from the offline installers.
Try removing Java with JavaRA
Sometimes the uninstaller of Java just messes up.
Alternatively, you could run the CCleaner Registry cleaner and see if it helps.
To re-install Java, I'd recommend to use the offline installer rather than the online counterpart.
BTW: Kindly stop swearing - not nice. I can understand your anger (because I had similar problems with uninstalling and reinstalling Java), but still, maintaining a professional attitude should be common courtesy.
Minecraft cannot find Java because something is corrupted in the registry.
Try uninstalling and then reinstalling Java.
If it still fails, download JavaRa and use "Remove JRE" to remove all references to Java, then reinstall it.