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See Marlene Winnel's Leaving the Fold and Pasquale & Rohr’s Sacred Wounds. BUT... be cautious of men who equate relationship to sex, Sex, SEX.
Reading Marlene Winnel's Leaving the Fold and Pasquale & Rohr’s Sacred Wounds may prove really helpful.
A book that really helped my wife deconstruct the influence of purity culture on her was “Pure” by Linda Kay Klein.
You're probably not going to be able to "lawyer" someone out of their beliefs by quoting scripture at them. There are people smarter than us on both sides of most debates. Despite what people tell you, the Bible can be interpreted to support almost any viewpoint.
But if your sister is receptive to reading, or you just want to read so you can at least verbalize some things, I really enjoyed the book "A Flexible Faith" by Bonnie Kristian about the very varied ways Christians have approached their faith over the past 2,000 years, and some of the roots of how people approach it now. I think it's a really good first book in the deconstruction process to help process that Christians do things differently and that's ok.
I echo everyone else, this sub is for you! I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. You are resilient, may you come to know that more and more as time goes on. A lot of us here are exchristian, but there are also many folks here who have embraced other expressions of Christianity.
What you said reminded me of a great book by Marcus Borg. He is an excellent scholar and a sincere person of faith.
https://www.amazon.com/Reading-Bible-Again-First-Time/dp/0060609192
Mathew fox - the coming of the cosmic Christ and healing of earth
And then there was this. Not funny at all but the stories told are incredibly compelling. It may have been one of the early influences to my deconstruction. I recommend it highly!
https://www.amazon.com/Growing-Up-Fundamentalist-Journeys-Legalism/dp/0830816186
Two truly invaluable reads as I go through similar things as you:
https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Power-Spiritual-Abuse-Manipulation-ebook/dp/B006K4PPCS https://www.amazon.com/Broken-Trust-practical-spiritual-Overcoming-ebook/dp/B073491BLN
Another possible tool for your toolbox--I've been doing shamatha vipassana meditation as found in The Mind Illuminated and it's been incredibly helpful.
The good stuff starts happening at Stage 4, which is when one starts to get concentrated and quiet enough that the inner chatter dies down and mind wandering away from the meditation object (usually the breath) is subdued. It can take a while to get to Stage 4, so may not be a great option for people who aren't as strong in their concentration abilities.
If you can get concentrated and quiet with clear and bright mindful awareness of everything going on in the background, this tends to cause a situation in which the parts of the mind which have been suppressed and denied seem to feel comfortable rising to conscious awareness to be processed. One then switches one's attention from the meditation object to interoception of one's feelings, and then to the mental component.
I've had stuff arise for weeks and weeks, but I know I've nailed it--whatever trauma or emotional difficulty it happens to be--when it creates a fizzy whole-body rush of sensation, followed by a sense of relief (and sometimes physical pain, like after a workout).
What's nice about this as opposed to other meditation techniques I've used is that it cultivates strong mindfulness, clear non-judgmental attention, and a peaceful state of mind before the emotions arise, so one is in an ideal position to deal with whatever comes up. For me, it has been much more effective than choiceless awareness or Goenka-style body scanning. (In the TMI system, that kind of investigation happens much later on, once one has gotten to stage 8, a very high level of concentration.)
North American Baptist Conference. Although we have a pretty open statement of beliefs, so you’ll find churches with wacky ideas in our denomination too.
Re: Revelation… I highly recommend this book: https://www.amazon.ca/Discipleship-Edge-Expository-Journey-Revelation/dp/1777455618/ref=tmm_pap_title_1_nodl?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=
Sin Bravely by Maggie Rowe. There are other memoirs of people dealing with scrupulosity out there, but this was the only one I read.
My parents were missionaries in Mongolia for two years from 1993-1995; I was 6-8. My dad had read in college that Mongolia was the only country without any known Christians, and I remember him telling us that Mongolia had been heavy on his heart for years. My parents went as English-as-a-second-language teachers and the first year they alternated days teaching their program and homeschooling my brother and me. The second year we went to an international school, of which I have only fond memories. My dad was instrumental in translating Ultimate Questions to Mongolian, and my parents started a church plant. One of their English students converted and ended up pastoring the church, and 13 years later, back in America, my parents hosted a college student from Mongolia who had become a Christian because of that church. Anyway, I have very conflicting feelings about our time there, and I’ve never met any other MKs since coming back, so I’ve never talked to anyone who has any idea what it’s like.
I started walking away from the church in college and only in the past few years have I been actively deconstructing; I’d call myself agnostic now. My brother took an opposite path and converted to Orthodox Christianity in college. My parents are still very evangelical (they also adopted my younger brother and sister from Russia when I was 12) and support multiple missionaries, including several of my cousins who are in various countries in Africa, the Middle East, and Asia.
So I've used historical facts. If you read Bart Ehrman's book on hell, it'll show exactly how the idea was created. That's right. Hell was a human construct. There is no evidence to point to it. There are no scriptures that point to it. Ancient cultures did not believe in Hell. Even the Jews did not have a concept of Hell. Christianity basically made it up as it grew. And Islam, the other religion that believes heavily in hell, is a continuation of these beliefs. Muhammad had plenty of contact with Jews, Christians, and Jewish Christians of the time. Hell is completely fabricated by people wanting to control others or, less maliciously, convince others that certain actions were wrong.
That said, it will still take some time to fully wrestle with. I've had a really hard time letting go of the idea of Hell, and it was heavily influencing, without my knowledge, how I viewed the world and what I believed. Fear is a very powerful emotion. I'm still working on it a little bit. I still get a pull back to Christianity, even though I don't believe it's true anymore. Then I get the pull to Islam. It's really hard.
I haven't done this, but perhaps a therapist? Therapists are honestly really amazing. I went to one ages ago when I was struggling with other issues and they gave me a ton of insight.
Eternal rewards and punishments are found nowhere in the Old Testament and are not what Jesus or his disciples taught. Try reading about the origins of the ideas of heaven and hell by Bart Ehrman. It is an incredible work by one of America's foremost Biblical scholars.
I bumped into Enns at an academic conference (Society of Biblical Literature) and complimented him on his Exodus commentary, to which he responded, “Well, I was trying to write it for normal people.”
He’s a genuinely nice, humble guy and it was Westminster Theological Seminary’s loss when they voted to suspend him in 2008 over his 2005 book Inspiration and Incarnation: Evangelicals and the Problem of the Old Testament, which is a great read in itself:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0801097487
The link above is to the 10th anniversary edition (published in 2015) that discusses the book's reception. Enns and WTS later agreed to part ways—he’s now at Eastern University, a mainline (non-evangelical) Baptist institution. Another escapee like many of us here!
How disrespectful. You can break the family habit of not respecting boundaries by sending him a book on boundaries. Buy one for you and send him a copy. Try this one: Family Boundaries
Get a copy of Marlene "Religious Trauma Syndrome" Winell's book, which gets waaaaaay into this. See also the articles linked to her website.
I cannot suggest "Come As You Are" by Emily Nagoski highly enough.
I heard this woman on Dirty Rotten Church Kids and there may be something there for you: https://www.amazon.com/Her-Knees-Memoir-Prayerful-Jezebel/dp/0802878539
As for me, I just decided I wanted to have sex without being married after deconstructing. I just met a cool guy and decided it was time. That was almost 10 years ago and he won't leave lol ( married, lots of kids.) So becoming promiscuous wasn't in the cards for me, but I am glad we didn't wait. Best to you in finding what you want from sex, rather than allowing the church to control you!
For me, deconstruction is a systematic examination of every single belief I held. From politics to religion, over the last 32 years, I have tackled almost every area of my life. It is like picking up every single belief you have held dear, holding it up to the light, and examining every aspect of it. If it doesn't stand up to scrutiny, it goes by the wayside. If it stands up to a thorough examination, it stays. You are basically taking yourself apart and then putting yourself back together again. Listen to a guy named Seth Andrews. He has a great podcast and Youtube Channel. He really helped me in my deconstruction process because our stories are so similar.
You might get a lot out of the book The Atheistic Theist by Jeff Turner. I really enjoyed his perspective. It might be very freeing for you.
https://www.amazon.com/Atheistic-Theist-There-Should-Follow/dp/1540546500
You might find a lot to identify with in this book, called Pure. It’s a pretty good read, and even though as I guy I didn’t experience a lot of this, I found it helpful. Several of the women in my life REALLY appreciated it.
This is all the result of a political take over of religion. Conservative Christianity wouldn't even be recognized by any historical Jesus. At this point it's basically worshipping a false idol built on nothing but tradition.
https://www.amazon.com/Jesus-Wept-Political-Christianity-Americans/dp/B08KH3VMZH
I suggesting reading Taking America Back for God. It’s about Christian Nationalism in America and makes space for understanding that Christianity and Christian Nationalism are different things, but the crowds intermix. One of the most useful distinctions is between those they call ambassadors and those they call accommodators. Specifically they argue that accommodators often get pulled into the more extreme agenda of ambassadors by seeing only a few points that sound good to them.
https://www.amazon.com/Taking-America-Back-God-Nationalism/dp/0190057882
Was it a Dare 2 Share book??
Maybe this one? https://smile.amazon.com/dp/0982773307/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_fabc_EZF1W0H9M61VMV8K98A9 Or this one? https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/dare-2-share-a-field-guide-to-sharing-your-faith-focus-on-the-family_greg-stier/293360/item/2787578/?gclid=CjwKCAjw1JeJBhB9EiwAV612y20TGeyUUT9668whPoAbnF43Cw2dIZmgApCex8fBAtFvQQATOOuNphoCza4QAvD_BwE#idiq=2787578&e...
I went to two of those conferences right around then, maybe 2008 and 2009. We had to call up a friend we didn't think was as a Christian and ask them
Also, this isn't so much the history, but it's a really fun light-hearted look at the midrash and the apocrypha - Apocrypha Now! by Mark Russell
Maybe not quite what you are looking for, but Apocalypse and Allegiance: Worship, Politics, and Devotion in the Book of Revelation was a really interesting read that puts the book of Revelations in it's historical and political context, instead of in the "horrible stuff that's going to happen ANY DAY NOW" context that I was taught it in the Evangelical church I went to.
This was years ago, but I think this is the one. My PFV therapist recommended it to me.
Dilator Exerciser Kit https://www.amazon.com/dp/B081G8MJ84/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_86MVKA4TGJCFTHYRKSTE
I’m glad you got financial aid, that’s amazing!!
You are not broken. The church did not break you. You are still young and you have many years to undo what was done to you. Then you have many years more after that to enjoy your body and your sexuality. Soon this will only be a blip in your life story. You’ve got this ❤️
Yep, had two accountability partners over the years. In my experience it was just two people having really awkward conversations.
At least in the areas I ran in, accountability partners were pushed as the only way to "get free" from "sexual sin". Went to a men's conference that pushed that once. Lots of people touted how great Every Young Man's Battle was, which pushes that idea. They all taught that 1) if you're a man you're already addicted to porn and 2) you need a buddy who's going to shame you every time you look at porn, or else you'll become a sexual deviant and all your romantic relationships will be destroyed. Really messed up stuff.
Definitely ditch the app. It isn't helping you.
My favorite book of all time is Richard Elliott Friedman's "Who Wrote the Bible"
Yes, very similar. . . Can't do this justice here, but suffice to say: Allow your emotions. Fully feel your emotions. The loss we've experienced is similar to the death of a loved one & grieving is OK, even beneficial. I've written a book about it & there are many others about emotional integration & transformation. No religion. Although I do quote some mystics. Feel free to ask me questions.
For me, I contemplate how every single generation of Christians has had a few convinced it was the end times. They thought it with Y2K, throughout the Gulf Wars, throughout the Cold War, probably also through every natural disaster, plague, economic crash, etc. Every single generation can point to some difficulty happening in the world, in their lifetime, and approximate it to an apocalyptic sign.
Pure, skeptical rationale isn’t always emotionally convincing, I know. It can take some time to discover what really makes sense of the universe for you. For me, reading Jonathan Haidt’s “The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion” inadvertently served as the catalyst for my becoming agnostic. After reading and stewing over the book for months, I just couldn’t get over how simply and comprehensively evolution explained human motivation and behavior (no excuses, no mental gymnastics... just data). I’m now at the point where I see the major monotheistic religions as sophisticated belief systems that were extremely effective for social cohesion, survival, and the centralization of political power. It doesn’t make the Bible any less breathtakingly profound in certain places, but I now see the whole as humanly motivated rather than divinely inspired.
What is the Bible? By Rob Bell is a really good starting point to get a refreshing spiritual perspective—really brings out the message of justice and liberation and emphasizes the multidimensionality of the text. Liberal perspective that fully affirms all the essential tenets of Christianity
What Is the Bible?: How an Ancient Library of Poems, Letters, and Stories Can Transform the Way You Think and Feel About Everything https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062194275/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_8OdtFb1E6DN28