This app was mentioned in 9 comments, with an average of 3.00 upvotes
You're absolutely delusional if you think that the support for Hue is anything less than excellent.
The strength of Hue comes with their free and open access. Any developer can make API calls to do the things that you're describing. Hue Disco won't sync to music, but will respond to sounds. Philips even has their own list of apps they like.
The Philips Hue app isn't meant to do it all. It's meant to satisfy the needs of 90% of consumers, and the app ecosystem is supposed to fill in any gaps with what more involved consumers want.
And if you want something completely custom? Feel free to build it yourself. You can.
TL;DR: You're wrong; Hue is amazing.
Yup, would love to see Hue Disco working all the lights!
Android: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=nl.ijsdesign.huedisco&hl=en
iOS: https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/hue-disco/id581258186?mt=8
Blinking office lights when I receive a text/call.
Animated/automated scenes (mainly sunrise and weather-prompted rain) using Tasker/AutoHue and Hue Disco
You might enjoy this: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=nl.ijsdesign.huedisco&hl=en
It's not perfect, but it's fun.
If you don't want to get into something like Home Assistant, which I would recommend anyway, check out Hue Disco (iOS) it'll do what you are looking for.
Edit: It's also on Android
I'm not aware of any native solutions for this, but I use an app called Hue Disco: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=nl.ijsdesign.huedisco
It's not perfect, but it's amusing enough.
I'm using Hue Disco
https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=nl.ijsdesign.huedisco