What are /r/Adoption's favorite Products & Services?

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I don’t mean to be rude, but some of the above advice is pretty questionable/incongruent with Trauma Informed Parenting - infact, some of the advice is adversarial, which can actually make challenges much, much worse, especially in the long term.

I would recommend different methods, like Trauma Informed Parenting, Collaborative Problem Solving, and resources like “The Connected Child”, “The Body Keeps the Score”, etc.

Regarding respite care, I would recommend looking at this post which links a study that examines the effects of respite care on foster children (most research focuses on the family rather than the child). In the comments of the post there are a variety of responses from current & former foster youth regarding their experiences with respite.

I’d also recommend crossposting to /r/fosterit, there’s a larger population of folks who have adopted from foster care in that sub (though I’m glad you’ve gotten responses in this one and hope you get more). /r/Ex_Foster and /r/FosterParents might also be subs that could be helpful.

My parents always just told me. I also had a really nice story book about it. Tell me again about the night I was born, by Jamie Lee Curtis.

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/mobile/w/tell-me-again-about-the-night-i-was-born-jamie-lee-curtis/1100836665

Not OP, but here's the amazon page for the book:

https://www.amazon.com/Not-My-White-Savior-Memoir/dp/1945572434

Looks excellent!

you've read this, right? https://www.huffpost.com/entry/alabama-abortion-law-rape_n_5cdc3627e4b09d94af53f471?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063&utm_source=main_fb&utm_medium=facebook&utm_campaign=hp_fb_pages&fbclid=IwAR3pm9b-LnfuQiqQ20f96CHZcJkiXJ67KZpHCnXFncTuBOOHCB-4vVYoFBM&fbclid=IwAR3xEwUOQppIxP1hWsV5dAB9KCXaLkhK3RmQ5-L38HU3gLtiHV9Rj3voT3s

especially since you seem to know her and your bio parent(s) names, i'd start here: https://www.familysearch.org/en/

that said, consider that she may not want to be found by you.

i have biological siblings out there, but i have no desire to find or be found by them.

I am doing this for the first time tomorrow, hoping to find any family, no matter how distant - and also basic health risk information since I don't have that. 23andme has dropped their price considerably to try to build up a large database. They were able to raise a large amount of startup funding and dropped the price from $299 to $99: http://techcrunch.com/2012/12/11/23andnotme/

This is not adoption. These are not people. They are cells that have developed for just a few days. The "oldest" embryos I saw listed are blastocysts. This is what a blastocyst looks like.

Adoption is about children, not cells. This is a sugar-coated fertility treatment, and I think it is offensive to real orphans to talk about clusters of cells as though they are in need of a loving home the way children up for adoption are.

Why would people do this instead of adoption infants or children?

Here is the 23andMe privacy policy. The key bit is:

>23andMe will not sell, lease, or rent your individual-level information to a third party for research purposes without your explicit consent.
>
>* We will not​ share your data with any ​public databases​.
>
>* We will not​ provide any person’s data (genetic or non-genetic) to an ​insurance company​ or ​employer​.
>
>* We will not​ provide information to ​law enforcement​ or ​regulatory authorities​ unless required by law to comply with a valid court order, subpoena, or search warrant for genetic or Personal Information (visit our ​Transparency Report​).

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Delly-Duck-adoption-children-therapeutic/dp/1739916808/ref=asc_df_1739916808/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=535049514441&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=8489760620807601562&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hv...

Recommend this book. https://www.amazon.com/End-June-Intimate-American-Foster-ebook/dp/B009JWCRJC

(Have not adopted a teen, but did foster sibs, 9 and 12 and currently foster a 9 yo)

I think looking for other people's perspectives (like you're doing here) is a good first start to determining what you want to do for a search/reunification. Some of these stories turn out great, some not so much. Some have happy endings, sad endings, or no endings.

I accidentally found out my son is thinking about searching for his BM (Many videos about this in his internet search history) and talked to him about it. He seemed surprised that I was supportive of the idea and that I am not hurt or defensive about it. Maybe your adoptive family would be as well. You may be pleasantly surprised to have them in your corner (and I hope so!).

I just picked up a book that I think will be helpful in learning HOW to search and also gives some things to learn about and think about, such as the many different ways you can have a relationship with your birth family and also some ways to prepare yourself emotionally for searching and reunifying.

Check your library, maybe this book will help you as well and good luck to you! https://www.amazon.com/Adoption-Reunion-Handbook-Elizabeth-Trinder/dp/0470094222

I’m putting on my dietitian hat here. Dessert should not be made an award or made to seem better or worse than any other food. Foods are neutral. Having a neutral approach to food will, in the end, lead to better eaters who enjoy more variety, helps teach body autonomy, and healthier/more stable weight in adulthood. It builds self-competent eaters.

I recommend reading about the Division of Responsibilities on Ellyn Satter’s website, and her book Secrets of Feeding a Healthy Family.

You may be interested in the book The Child Catchers by Kathryn Joyce. When you look at their motivations for adopting it’s kind of no wonder kids are having bad experiences in these homes. And as the book states, the influence of evangelical christians has permeated most corners of adoption in the States.

I've read the entire thing. It puts the experience into words. I would say that not every part will ring a bell for you due to the nature that people handle their adoptions different. However, it covered a good portion. As others said, the book assumes that the parents want to do what is best. Obviously, not every adoptive parent is going to fit that assumption.

One of the things I felt was lacking was the instance where a child had special needs upon adoption. That was my scenario and I felt it wasn't covered greatly. Instead, it was more focused on the adoption and didn't focus on the special needs adoption as well.

There is actually a second book to the Primal Wound. This book goes into more detail about healing from the trauma. It also covers different behaviors and coping mechanisms that adoptees will use to cope with their feelings. I found this book more relatable to me but that's just my experience.

Your ability to love your child and teach him to be resilient and kind are not things that any amount of money can buy. This couple can provide for him materially, but that doesn't necessarily mean they will do a better job of raising a child who is loved, well-adjusted, scrappy and compassionate.

You might be interested in reading more about resilience, which is the ability to succeed in the face of life's challenges: https://www.amazon.com/Ordinary-Magic-Development-Ann-Masten/dp/1462523714. Perhaps your local library can let you borrow this book?

If you're having temporary struggles to feed, clothe, and house him, look for help from community resources designed specifically for these purposes to see if that can help you. Perhaps that will help tide you over until you are better able to provide for yourself?

Ah, a fellow Korean adoptee. This brings up a nature vs nurture question. It could be just her personality and how she perceives herself and her surroundings. She could have also have been abused when she was younger. She also could have been kept under the stairs until she got her letter to Hogwarts. It might also be that she didn't learn the right lessons when she was younger and harbored certain feelings for too long. Never properly reconciling your own baggage can be a determent and cause you to blame the external for all your internal problems. In the end, we can't guess.

Maybe she hasn't learned that the grass isn't greener on the other side. Not being adopted might have been even more awful for her. South Korea is a very paternal country and if they are not able to determine her father's bloodline, then she wouldn't be considered a citizen. (just learned this now, while looking for another story)

I am forever grateful for my parents.

Reading books on Trauma Parenting is really important as well. Reality is, your child, whether adopted or biological, will probably need it at some point. But 99.9% of adopted children need it.

Start with books like Connected Child and Connected Parenting. Understand the child's perspective. Once you have that basic understanding, it's nice to get the perspective of the more complex with books such as https://www.amazon.ca/Boy-Who-Raised-Psychiatrists-Notebook-What/dp/0465094457/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?adgrpid=62636581098&gclid=CjwKCAiAzrWOBhBjEiwAq85QZ5HKO2D97UntW80jVwahRDuAiikNbmH8tA54jpEd1w3ACGAEjbEYzxoCvTwQAvD_BwE&hvadid=310044115595&hvd...

While there isn’t a lot of research on late discovery adoptees (because of the gaslighting and all), most studies agree that three is the latest age to disclose without serious emotional trauma related to disclosure. Even those who know from a young age still deal with abandonment trauma, no matter how loving, transparent, and well-adjusted the adoptive family is.

I am so sorry that you found out late and were robbed of a chance to connect with your birth mom. This is a serious trauma.

I am also sorry to hear that your adoptive parents are unwillingly to sacrifice their own pride to support your identity. This is also a serious trauma.

Keep trying to connect with LDAs (late discovery adoptees) here and elsewhere online. There is little support outside internet communities right now, I’m afraid. This is going to be a tough journey though, and I hope it will help to have others around who can understand and will validate your experience.

I highly recommend this book: The Primal Wound https://www.amazon.com/dp/0963648004/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_G9JSZXZVYM05T03S0NR2

If you go into therapy, make sure your therapist recognizes that adoptees are the victims in every adoption. Too many fall into the fantasy thinking of the altruistic adoptive parents who you should be grateful for.

You deserve to feel secure and respected. I wish you the best in your journey 💞

I was born and adopted in 1984, and had this book growing up - wasn't that one, was it? It was a hand-me-down from my older, also adopted brother. I rebought it a few years ago just as I go down this path of self discovery, etc. to remind myself of how this all started

in case you missed it from everyone else, tell him NOW. adoption is a traumatic event for a child before they even know what "traumatic event" means - don't double down on that trauma by making him experience an extremely damaging "by the way, you're adopted" moment as well please.

my first book was called I Am Adopted, and my parents & I read it often & talked about its meaning. I couldn't find the exact book but this one from Amazon looks pretty similar.

if you have any questions or reservations on doing this immediately, please comment back so I can assure and reassure you that you are doing the right thing. there is no other time, only now, you must do this, it is more important for your son than you could ever understand.

I dont think they have annual but for 6 months its $20 cheaper (or $40 a year)

http://www.ancestry.com/cs/offers/subscribe?sub=1

But you can use 23andme which I dont think makes you pay for the information https://www.23andme.com/

In addition to adoptflorida.com, 23andme is a huge source of info. For $99, they'll sequence your genome and let you know not only your genetic heritage breakdown, but also your risk level for potential health issues. I did it a few years back--haven't regretted it a minute. Fascinating stuff!

CPS records through the courts could work https://www.amazon.com/Comic-Guide-Classical-Mechanics-eduPlus-ebook/dp/B092D8X5J8/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=comic+guide+to+classical+mechanics&qid=1618489423&sr=8-1

My wife and I adopted our daughter Sydney at birth. In the adoption classes we had as we began our journey, they emphasized the importance of telling your adopted child as early as possible. Children will be naturally curious so this gives the opportunity to ask questions.

I decided then I was going to write a children’s book to tell her a relatable story to explain the concept of adoption and how we were blessed with her. She’s now 5 years old and loves to read and understand her story. I wrote this book for her and for all adoptive parents looking for ways to tell their children their own stories and introducing them to the concept of adoption.

Hope this helps someone Sydney & Ziggy - because of love

First, Kudos to you for realizing this is an adoption issue and coming her for advice.

I recommend reading the book "The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child" by Nancy Verrier.

The science in it about the effects of separating an infant from it's mother is debatable, but the book talks about common adoptee feelings and behaviors and how to understand the adoptee in your life. An example that might help you is that because the adoptee feels he was rejected by the first woman he ever loved, the person who should have been willing to die for him: his mother, he believes love means leaving and all women will reject him. He may do things to drive you away and then when he succeeds he gets to say "see, I knew she'd leave, they always do".

https://www.amazon.com/Primal-Wound-Understanding-Adopted-Child/dp/0963648004

Since you're into helping kids with food issues, have you ever heard of this book? https://www.amazon.com/Love-Me-Feed-Adoptive-Struggles/dp/0615691315/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=love+me+feed+me&qid=1607818472&sr=8-1

It is like the bible on dealing with food problems within foster kids.

hug This information must be very, very hard to process. I'm so proud of you for staying sober throughout this.

Kerri Rawson, daughter of BTK, wrote a book about her experiences. Trailer

Amazon Link It might be at your local library. I haven't read it so I can't vouch for it, but it's getting good reviews.

What you do with this information is up to you. True Crime fanatics and writers can be absolute vultures. If you don't want to tell your meeting group the specifics, you don't have too.

If your scared your or your children will "turn out like him" by all means seek a therapist. What he did isn't a guarantee to be genetic, and it doesn't make up all of him. If you think that you inherited his business acumen or his nose, that doesn't mean you inherited any violent impulses. If you think you have thoughts of violence, or you just need to vent to someone in private, there's no shame in therapy.

Again, this is a tough thing to bear. I'm so, so sorry it's happened to you.

The specific answer to your question (about loving them as your own) is it depends, and it's less about the kid and more about you. The reason you're getting the responses about infertility is that it's quite relevant. If you haven't processed infertility, it makes it very hard to bond with the child (maybe you have, maybe you haven't, we don't know you). There are people who would make amazing parents to a bio kid, but absolutely fucking suck as adoptive parents. There's good books about this, an easier read is this: https://www.amazon.com/Twenty-Things-Adopted-Adoptive-Parents/dp/044050838X

We are able to love them as our own, but it's a case by case basis with all things.

It's hard to know which one you are before you start, but generally, empathy, thick skin, flexibility, willingness to keep the child's biological connections in their life, and general strength are good indicators.

I understand this process has been difficult and I empathize with you, however, the feedback you are getting is valuable and candidly pretty gentle.

I'm reading some defensiveness about the questions you are getting, and I'd encourage you to just take the questions as they are, no one here knows you or what you've gone through. We get questions like this every week, so you are sort of getting canned answers, none of this is personal.

The Connected Child, by Karen Purvis

Not quite your topics, but a very valuable book, I found. There's also a Connected Parenting facebook group that is very honest.

https://www.amazon.ca/Connected-Child-Healing-Adoptive-Family/dp/0071475001/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwydP5BRBREiwA-qrCGrZ7gXjSwd8AHCpgTENAAaqlMGrN2AZcOqOrAo4lVtu-pYxvBmlXJxoC7QwQAvD_BwE&hvadid=208330610766&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=1001860&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=8401441351773325586&hvtargid=kwd-364841027957&hydadcr=23336_9622016&keywords=the+connected+child&qid=1597344923&sr=8-1&tag=googcana-20

Here is the page on amazon prime.

IDK if it's available elsewhere or not.

I strongly recommend the following:

https://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Skills-Workbook/dp/1458768619/

Let me recap:

• Bio Dad was just a sperm donor, never wanted to be part of your life.

• Daddy who raised you seemed a bit of a abusive turd to everyone, but was BFF to you, and helped send you to parochial school.

• Some of your sibling are narcissistic tea bags.

Recommendations:

• Don't bother with the sperm donor. Your DNA info is all you need for future heath info. Any info they give will be worthless anyway.

• Thank the daddy who raised you, and don't ever bring up the sperm donor. If he laid a finger on you or anyone in your family, while you give him a huuuge hug, ask for an apology for touching you or your family. If you get it, accept, remember (for your future kids safety), and get on with things.

If he denies read: https://www.amazon.com/Bad-Childhood-Good-Life-Blossom-Childhood/dp/0060577878

ie Shake the dust off your feet, and leave.

This could be a difficult phase to deal with. The problem is maybe not so much to let him see black cartoons and things like that but to bring him in contact with other colored people. I myself I grew up as black kid in a flemish village in Belgium where people had never seen an african and I can tell you it's still one of the most traumatic experiences I ever went through. I only felt good in my school in Brussels where I met other black kids. I wrote my experiences into a book. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B015UHFJ2G/ref=r_soa_w_d

I think we share a lot in common together. I too I have been adopted by white parents and grew up in an entirely white village in Belgium. The only thing is that people where backward by then for they had never seen a black kid. I'm speaking about the seventies...I wrote a book about it.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B015UHFJ2G/ref=r_soa_w_d

This type of thing: https://www.amazon.com/Moms-Five-Second-Memory-Journal-Motherhood/dp/0307719790

But they make others :) my husband's mom simply kept a journal about him that we found after her death.

Completely personal but the book "Yo, Yes" was a favorite in our house when my son was little -- partially because of the interracial context.

Your black child shouldn't be your first black friend. Go seek help from the black community. Buy black dolls, books, connect with people of color.

Read books. https://www.amazon.com/Their-Voices-Americans-Transracial-Adoption/dp/0231172214

Join transracial adoption groups online and in real life.

Learn how to do their hair. Don't say you're color blind. She should be raised as a black child

There is a book called The Open-Hearted Way to Adoption:Helping your Child grow up Whole by Lori Holden that I read while preparing for our homestudy that might be at least a little helpful. The agency really should have helped with talking over what both parties wanted open adoption to look like. Have they tried contacting the agency and they're not answering? I would be showing up on their door step, your friend paid for this help and they both deserve it.

I found the book "You Can Adopt" (http://www.amazon.com/You-Can-Adopt-Adoptive-Families/dp/0345504011/) to be a good introduction to the topic. When I was getting started, it was hard to find the basics all in one place!

In general, the least expensive option is going to be foster-to-adopt, although that can come with it's own set of challenges. Domestic private adoptions tend to be very expensive and often come with long waits (you want to make sure you are using a good agency or attorney that focuses on honesty with all parties). I know the least about international adoptions - but they are in general becoming more challenging.

Beyond Consequences by Heather Forbes and Bryan Post.

http://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Consequences-Logic-Control-Attachment-Challenged/dp/0977704009/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1451913113&sr=1-1&keywords=beyond+consequences+logic+and+control

When I got started and had a lot of questions, I found the book You Can Adopt: An Adoptive Families Guide to be a good primer that covered the basics. It helped me narrow down the general direction I wanted to take so that I could ask more relevant questions.