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She should not have grabbed your face. It's the same as slapping someone. Consider that you're both out of line. And let that be ok. You tried to end it by kicking her out. That was potentially a good choice but the way it happened left her feeling unheard and angrier, so that was a mistake. She came back to talk about it more while still drunk, which is a mistake. It never works. You have to wait until sobered up and rested to talk again. She grabbed your face, mistake. You pushed her, mistake, followed by more mistakes.
So both of you need to dial it back. No more throwing things, pushing, etc. Physical contact should only be for expressing affection. Never anything else. If one of you wants to table a discussion, the other person needs to respect that and honor it. You can always pick it back up the next day.
This doesn't sound like it's all on one person. Consider couple's therapy since it costs the same. You should have a combined goal to communicate and work better together, not make it just one person's responsibility as if the other person isn't equally culpable. It takes two to tango. You could read a book together like Getting Together and Staying Together to help improve your communication with each other. Hang in there.
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. You’re not a terrible person. Remind yourself these kinds of events aren’t the end of the world. Things happen and they can be difficult to deal with. You only need to find the right approach. Consider having a conversation with his brother directly and with your boyfriend present.
Can you share the circumstances of the hitting incident? Maybe we can offer more specific advice.
In the meantime there are articles like When You Love an Angry Person that help with suggestions you can make to your boyfriend for when you get mad. And you can read Rage on your own to help work on your anger.
But the abuse you suffered needs addressing too. I hope you can get therapy for it.
Colic is very common, more than most people realize.
Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR) isn't just for grownups. It can also be done with your child when you have the opportunity to get settled.
Hang in there!
It sounds like he hates his job or being out in the world. He wakes up in a good mood and then after a few hours of being out in the world and dealing with people/traffic/life, he comes home angry and takes it out on you.
I totally get how it's helpful to you to understand what's going on emotionally for him, but it's also really important to make it clear that you shouldn't have to accept verbal abuses because he has trouble handling his emotions. It sort of sounds like the family waits on your dad and dances around his emotions ("we give him food and lunch for him to eat"). I know it's tough when you're young because you're kind of stuck with your parents, but it's still important for you to understand that it's not your job to fix his emotions and it's also not your job to take his abuse.
This book is technically about BPD, but a lot of the info can be helpful for those of us living in a household with anger. It really helped me understand the emotional rollercoaster that is going on behind the scenes: https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1684036895
It's a great question to ask. Many people get angry and think that they know all too well why they feel this way: it's their parents, their friends, the situation, other people, etc. You, on the other hand, recognise an emotion that is arising and understand that it is arising without any obvious prompt.
It sounds to me as if you have an excess of energy that is bouncing around your mind and body and tensing you up. Have you had the results of these important exams? If not, do you think you might be suffering because of this uncertainty?
I am always surprised by the number of people on this subreddit who suffer so much because of video gaming. So many people seem to lose the plot and end up having a really bad time because of these games. Have you thought about packing them away for now and protecting yourself from the difficulties that they cause you? Obviously, it might be really difficult at first, but what isn't?!
It might sound a bit too leftfield, but I think that now is a great time to try out something like meditation of mindfulness based stress reduction. For the latter, there is so much which is available free online. For the former, there are some great books available: 10% Happier by Dan Harris is a great read; Mindfulness in Plain English is available free online. I'd also recommend some more physical activity to help that energy dissipate. Something as simple as a long walk without headphones or any other distraction other than what you see and hear can really help you put your thoughts in order.
I have heard of it as a treatment for bipolar. But beware lithium can have severe side effects. So do not blindly add it to your supplement regimen without first consulting a doctor. Lithium is not a pick-me-up like a Vitamin D or an Advil.
Lithium orotate specifically is not recommended (it is counter-indicated) on the few sources I've found online.
But there's nothing wrong with seeing your doctor and asking to check your lithium levels as part of a routine evaluation to see if it might be a concern for your mental well-being.
Just make sure what you are doing is setting clear boundaries for yourself to help manage your own anger and not doing things that dismiss her reaction or make less of her hurt feelings just because she got angry.
You did a great job of tabling the conversation until you are both calm. Just remember you are each allowed to have your own feelings about what happened. We can make the mistake of trying to control how other people respond when the real reason is that we are trying to control ourselves. She's allowed to have her reaction.
There's always couple's counseling. And books like Getting Together and Staying Together are extremely helpful, basically a how-to manual, whether we ever plan on actually getting married or not.
Is this just a gamer rage problem or are you breaking stuff over other frustrations too? If you're interested in finding a healthier way of handling your anger, you might look into an anger management app like AIMS, which is free and has a lot of tools that seem promising.
By recognizing that you have a problem with how you express your anger and taking responsibility for changing that response, you're off to a great start. You may find it helpful to enroll in an inexpensive online anger management course (you don't have to pay for the certificate), and you might pair it with an anger management app like AIMS, which is free and has a lot of tools that seem promising. The key thing is to spend at least a little time each day working on yourself. Consistency is key, and it sounds like you've already spent some time investigating the source of your anger -- so kudos for that. The main thing is to realize that this is a process, you will have bad days/weeks and future outbursts are likely. But if you keep putting in that little bit of time and energy each day (almost like brushing and flossing your emotional teeth!), new, more positive habits will form. I wish you all the best with that process!
I've said it before and I'll say it again: We could almost have a separate sub dedicated to gamer rage. The only useful advice I've found on the Internet is essentially different versions of, "When you start getting angry, force yourself to take a break." For example, if you get upset, you have to take a timeout from gaming. Maybe just five minutes the first time you notice yourself getting angry, but then much longer -- perhaps the rest of the day --- for the second. You could also do pushups, burpees or something similar as a "penalty" and turn anger management into a sort of game within the game/gaming experience. The idea is to make yourself more aware of your emotional reactions and to reward control. If you want to try this experiment, you should also take a deep breath and remind yourself before each game of your intention to try to keep cool.
As for your more general anger/frustration, you might apply similar strategies. For example, try to notice when you're feeling triggered by something and try to take a break or distract yourself in some way. You want to become more aware of how you're feeling and better at noticing what sorts of things tend to trigger your anger. If you feel the problem is significant enough, you might also look into an anger management app like AIMS, which is free and has a lot of tools that seem promising.
I hope that at least gives you some ideas and I wish you well!
If your therapist is just saying "I don't know what to tell you" maybe you should find a new one because that's literally their job.
I can't tell you how to fix your situation but for me the under lying cause of my aggressive out bursts was covert depression. Seems like there's some self hatred from what you shared which I also experienced.
Perhaps that's not the issue for you but it seems like you've exhausted a lot of your outlets. There's a great book about it called "I don't want to talk about it". Check it out if you're interested. https://www.amazon.com/Dont-Want-Talk-About-Overcoming-ebook/dp/B000FC0Q0C
Best of luck mate
Have you tried meditation? It helped me a lot.
There's a lot you can achieve by breathing, focusing on the present and objects around you, and so on. It's like a muscle you can practice.
You can look in to Headspace and Calm.
Another route would be seeing a therapist. Maybe there are some things going on from your childhood that you're still dragging along. Maybe someone specialized in ASD could give you techniques to use.
There are also quite a few self-help book out there. These days I'm reading one on rejection, it's called rejection-proof. Its not bad at all.
You didn’t say how old you are, but both of these books might help.
https://www.amazon.com/Anger-Workbook-Teens-Activities-Frustration/dp/1572246995/ref=nodl_
https://www.amazon.com/Dance-Anger-Changing-Patterns-Relationships/dp/0062319043/ref=nodl_
Thanks for your detailed response. Thanks for also recommending a few books. I will check them out! would Emotional Neglect be similar to Emotional intelligence similar to what is explained in this book https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703?
So gaming itself doesn't actually make you angry. You might want to consider a couple different things. First, there's an anger management app called AIMS that was designed for military veterans -- people who have often experienced some really, really difficult stuff -- but it's free and has a lot of tools that seem promising. Second, you might want to make sure your lifestyle isn't making it hard to stabilize your mood. It sounds like you quit football. That's probably good for your brain in the longterm, but you're a young man who surely could benefit from an outlet for his stress. I would make sure to get enough sleep and exercise.
Also, if therapy is an option and it appeals to you, it can be a huge help to talk through your frustrations with a professional. That may not be right for you, but it's always something to consider whenever we're dealing with a lot of anger and other frustrations.
Good luck with everything!
What is happening when you feel like that? Can you tell there's a buildup and some familiar things are making you angry? If you're getting that mad it's worth reading a book or seeing a therapist.
People usually get this from their family but sometimes they just do it out of not having another way to get across what they want. It's just a bad technique. If she can pick up a new one and drop this old one it would help. But it will take time. So obviously she could learn better ways to communicate. That's something you could both practice together. If she can simply learn to communicate better that would improve the atmosphere.
Getting Together and Staying Together. I've read this book a couple times and use it as a reference when I forget how to approach something. It shows how to avoid criticism and instead work on communicating better. You could both read it but just one person reading it will still help.
In the short term though you could tell her that when she is critical it makes you get defensive. So it would help if she can modify what's she's saying by turning a criticism into a request. Being critical usually means she wishes you would do something a different way. So instead of saying, "you do the laundry wrong, nobody does it like that". She could say, "please do the dark laundry this way and the hang-up laundry this way." That way you’re receiving an instruction you can act on, instead of a criticism that just makes you upset.
Also ask her to be explicit when she wants something. She shouldn’t assume you know what it is. No matter how long you are together, you still can't read each others minds. So she shouldn't assume you know what she wants. She has to say it out loud. And same for you. Be explicit.
For example my wife had to show me that women's clothes are actually hung on the hanger the opposite direction. I was shocked! :) But she was a lot happier when I help with chores when I remember to do it that way. We are still learning over time to communicate better and it helps. Hope some of this helps out!
> I don’t want to reopen old wounds
Right! I agree with you here. My advice is only if you are still in their social circles. If not, don't reach out to them out of the blue.
If you find you have the opportunity to do so, realize some people will not forgive you. If you do get the opportunity, offer the apology. But do not expect sympathy. If they say "it's ok I forgive you, don't worry about it" leave it at that. Don't push the envelope. Leave that person alone after that. They are still going to be really stressed out about it and get away from you right afterwards. If they say "screw you, you were such a jerk, I'll never forgive you" same thing, just walk away. Leave it at that. You're a different person now but they can't know that.
If they say bad things, don't use what they say to beat yourself up about it and be negative towards yourself. Use your new found energy to keep learning how to better control your emotions and employ wisdom in your life. You are doing the right thing. People you hurt in the past cannot always be healed by your words. But you are doing the right thing by apologizing and then leaving it in their hands.
You have to forgive yourself too. You didn't know what you were doing. You didn't know how to deal with the anger. If you knew better, you wouldn't have acted that way. So forgive yourself for what you did and continue to seek help, whether it's going to a therapist for a few months, reading a book or taking an online class. Until you feel confident your anger isn't a problem any more.
Hang in there and be kind to yourself.
The biggest advice I can give you is happiness comes from within, not from others. If your seeking happiness from girls and friends, your never going to be happy. I think what you're doing now - being aware of the issue and seeking betterment - is a step in the right direction. Everybody has problems, concerns and habits that are causing them distress. It's our responsibility to identify them and fix them. Remember , things may become very difficult down the road to recovery, but the rewards are unmatched by anything else. Things will get worse before they get better (pretty sure this is a Batman quote). I think you should give meditation another try, and I recommend a book called "Search Inside Yourself" by Chade -Meng Tan. Also, I've found Reddit to be an incredibly useful tool for self improvement. There are plenty of subreddits and communities of people with similar struggles that band together to help each other out, you just gotta look for em. And from what it sounds like, your having problems with girls. Let me tell you, this is a VERY common scenario so don't feel inadequate. Sometimes, the best recovery from this is to get your mind away from sex. A great mantra I've heard regarding this is it's until we no longer care about sex - once it has no control over us - that we can control how it affects us. For this I recommend the subreddit r/nofap, whether or not that's an issue with you, they give great advice on controlling your perception of sex. Anyway, the best of luck mate, I'm sure you will end up great.
try dialectical behavior therapy. if you’re not ready to reach out for help, try this workbook. it’s been helping me a lot recently
If you feel you need to work on anger specifically, check out the resources page for tips. But also communication is a huge part of any relationship and a book like Getting Together and Staying Together is a great one.
It is a guidebook for a practical way to communicate with your partner and it applies just as well to close family and friends. And I don't see why you couldn't apply it to your boss who is a nice person. It's basically about how to resolve conflict and disagreements and grow closer over time through better communication. This $15 book is the same as about 3 months worth of couple's therapy if you put the effort into reading it and using it. Get the paperback, not the ebook. Hang in there!
While everyone is born with the potential to feel and express anger, we each have our own learning experiences, which causes us to react to frustration differently. There is no simple explanation for why some people are angrier than others; it depends on our biology and our early experiences. The following factors contribute to our likelihood of angry outbursts: • Habit. Anger can become an automatic response to certain situations, and others may reinforce this habit if they have become used to us getting angry. • Fear. Anger can be felt as a response to situations that we fear will overwhelm us if we do not go on the offensive. • Shame. Anger can spring from the feeling that we have to fight to preserve our dignity and sense of self-worth. • Loss. Anger commonly accompanies the sadness which goes with a bereavement or a severe setback. • Lack of assertiveness. If we cannot speak up for ourselves and negotiate, we may find ourselves exploding instead. • Low frustration tolerance. We go on the attack to deal with situations that most people would just put up with. • Response to past trauma. If we have been badly hurt in the past, we may understandably react overly aggressive toward anything that seems threatening in the present.
https://www.amazon.com/Instant-Anger-Management-Simple-Strategies/dp/1684038391
Couple's therapy for the next 6 months. And the book Getting Together and Staying Together. It's great help on building your style of communication with each other from the ground up through mutual respect. Hang in there.
Active listening can really help if you commit to it. See the video half way down the page. It's a way of taking turns with our friends and family instead of only listening to enough just so you can say something intended to shut their argument down. Let people talk until they're done. Then repeat back what you understood to confirm with them what they said. Only then give your response after that. It sounds silly but it makes us a lot better listeners and it shows consideration for their opinions. We tend to get more consideration back as well when we treat the important people in our lives this way.
Remind yourself you don't have to win every argument. Tell yourself "let yourself lose any arguments that happen while I'm here with them today" and see how it feels. The surprising thing is the world doesn't end. People just express their opinions and it's ok for people to differ in what they think and how they live their lives.
It can also help to not say anything for two days. To reset your compass in terms of what you say. Only say necessary things like confirming appointments, yes, no, as needed. But not elaborating on opinions. Then it becomes more obvious what is worth saying and what is not.
Also, in addition to the volume of your voice, watch your tone of voice. Are you speaking in a dismissive, judgmental or condescending tone? What is your body language like? Are you turned to the person or are you facing somewhere else, like the TV in the room? What are your hands doing? Everything counts in how we communicate with people.
If you are in a relationship you are trying to improve there is also the book Getting Together and Staying Together. Whether you intend to get married or not, it's a great help on building your style of communication with your partner from the ground up through mutual respect. Hang in there.
I would try and find a therapist that specializes in intrusive thoughts (the term for the fantasies you describe) or PTSD. That’s the only recommendation I feel qualified to give.
But on a more personal note, I would recommend meditation/prayer/yoga/some way of opening up your mind to growth and progress. I’ve found a lot of peace and self acceptance through reading eastern philosophy like this one: https://www.amazon.com/Change-Your-Thoughts-Living-Wisdom/dp/140191750X
What worked for me may not work for you. But I wish you the best and I hope you find the peace you’re looking for.
Going Off: A Black Woman's Guide For Dealing With Anger And Stress might be a good starting place. A quick glance though and I can tell it covers a solid foundation of topics, especially triggers and anger in different areas of life. But also tailored for women of color. Hope it or something similar helps in the meantime! Hang in there.
You are right to set boundaries. If he can't control his anger, the relationship is off. Regardless of the embarrassment of "everybody knowing" it didn't work out. What's important is how you two are going to treat each other over the next several decades and if he can't set the right tone now, it's over.
He's right. He doesn't know how to control his anger. So he should take an anger management class. On his own. Without you holding his hand. This is extremely easy to do. He finds an online program, pays the fee and starts taking it.
In addition to that, if he really wants to be with you, he should be willing to start seeing a couple's therapist immediately. He should be able to get (the fuck) over himself and attend with you in person. (With the therapist who may be virtual these days over Zoom or whatever platform they use.) That's the minimum requirement. His behavior hast to change or it's over. If he can't go because it will just be about "beating him up" for his behavior then it's over.
For you, whether you end up with this guy or not, there is a great book called Getting Together and Staying Together. Amazon. It's really the best book I've ever read on building a relationship together with a clear idea of how to treat each other and how to envision working together to improve the relationship and being open to communicating the important things in life. Wish you the best, stick to your guns! You know what is right for you.
I got flat out told I was going to hell. Nice to see some variation on the theme of pious condescension! (sarcasm) Jesus got mad too. He flipped tables over.
If they dismiss your feelings, don't share with them. Focus on switching to neutral topics.
Don't talk to them while mad. Easier said than done. But it helps if we consider that's only bad for ourself. Because it actually opens us up to being criticized by them even more. Practice active listening both to manage them and yourself. See the video half way down the page.
Focus on managing clear boundaries with them. They have their way of thinking and you have yours. You can't control how they think. You can't change how they think. But you can put them on the other side of a huge protective glass wall in your mind, like they have at banks for the tellers. When they start talking some nonsense, imagine that strong plexiglass barrier coming up between you and them.
Write down what the troublesome discussions are and what is the key point. Try to address it with just one sentence or two and leave it at that. Then do the same thing again. Small conversations, instead of tackling things in a confusing mass all at once.
To help with personal relationships down the road I can't recommend enough the book Getting Together and Staying Together. Whether you ever plan on getting married or not, its' a huge help with boundaries and communication with our future love interests. Amazon link.
When you're by yourself and thoughts of them are difficult, imagine them in a bubble and their noise is trapped inside of it. Slowly move the bubble away until it disappears on the horizon. Imagine yourself in your own bubble too that is nice and calm and protected. Hang in there.
Point it out. Say, "It's hard for me to talk to you when you're being snappy like this." You can preface it with, "I want us to be able to tell each other things when it's important and when we both want to share. It's hard to do that when we come back at each other for sharing. So I want to start letting you know when I am making an effort to share something that I think is meaningful to both of us. I am not trying to hurt your feelings, run over what you want to do, make decisions for you or criticize you. It's just when we are doing things in the moment or I've had time to think about something. But I'd like to be able to tell each other things in sincerity without being defensive or biting each other's heads off. This is one of those moments."
Then when you say what you want to say, be extremely concise. Try to use, "When you do ____ it makes me feel _____." To open up the door to alternative approaches.
There's a book that is great for couples struggling with this called Getting Together and Staying Together. It is extremely practical. You can use it as a how-to guide.
There's also couple's therapy. He will have to be convinced that you're not just going to therapy to beat him up, but to help strengthen your relationship by improving how you interact with each other.
If you ever truly start to be afraid of him, get a place ready that you can go to over night in an emergency. I'm sorry you guys are dealing with this right now. At that point it becomes the tactics for When you Love an Angry Person and you have to protect yourself. Hang in there.
The general advice is to stop waiting for an apology you are never going to get. You made the right choice in protecting yourself. There will always be that feeling of loss for what could have been if only he had been able to be better. But we can only judge based on what was really happening in the moment. Give yourself time to mourn the loss of the relationship. It had a lot of promise but did not live up to basic human decency. Focus on not falling for the same kind of guy. What were the warning signs? Between now and the next relationship consider reading Getting together and staying together. Whether you ever plan on getting married or not it has great advice.
This has everything on how to develop your sense of self, how to set healthy boundaries, how to manage those who are unwilling to heal, how to stop falling into the toxic mindset, etc.
Unfortunately this is a very lengthy process and big changes happen in small increments
<em>Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving</em> by Pete Walker
> Pete is a "general practitioner" who specializes in helping adults recovering from growing up in traumatizing families, especially those whose repeated exposure to childhood abuse and/or neglect left them with symptoms of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder [Cptsd]. He has a great deal of recovery from his own Cptsd, and his professional approach is highly enriched by his own 40 year journey of recovering.
Also check this out Emotional Resources
I wrote this but I don't wanna put a wall of text here. I hope they help you.
Half of the population has done something in their life that could be diagnosed as IED, it's such a general, wide category. But looking at your BPD is critical because it's specific and treatable. Wish you luck finding a good doctor who can offer you better help.
Talking about your relationship is what started it. That's a huge insight and a really good observation. This is why talking to a therapist helps. They can help tease out what parts of the conversation set you off and help you with techniques to work with your partner better. So you are able to share more without setting each other off. To have a plan for what to do if one of you gets mad while talking, such as taking a break for a few hours or even until a day or two later and then picking it up again. There are some resources here for dealing with anger and triggers. But I can't recommend enough the book Getting Together and Staying Together. Even if you never plan on getting married, it has great advice on how to handle relationships. It's like a how-to manual. Hang in there.
Were you diagnosed with it? You don't want to assume that's what you have from reading online. IED is a very specific diagnosis and prescribed treatment is customized to each individual patient's needs.
Therapist had me buy and do the exercises in this book: The Anger Management Workbook: Use the STOP Method to Replace Destructive Responses with Constructive Behavior (The Guilford Self-Help Workbook Series) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1462509770/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_XTD8WRG67AMHFX0J9S9C?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
Might help yah, helped me.
I’d recommend “Beyond Anger: A Guide for Men” by Thomas J. Harbin. https://www.amazon.ca/Beyond-Anger-Guide-Free-Yourself/dp/1569246211
This book is written by a therapist who specializes in anger and is geared towards men in particular. I found it really eye-opening while difficult to read because of how relevant and poignant it was in showing me how it affected my relationships, and where my anger came from.
I’m glad your husband realizes this is something that needs to change. Speaking as a 28 year old man who grew up with a loving but angry father, this can seriously affect the way children grow up and can definitely damage their relationship with their parents.
For example, I developed anger issues as a teen, and it affected my friendships and relationships. It also made me insecure expressing certain emotions. My sister also developed anger issues. We both suffer from depression and have a hard time being around our parents even though we know they love us and tried their best. Even now it’s difficult to separate the anger and pain that came from our upbringing from our parents’ presence.
It’s normal for a lot of people to be resistant to therapy but I think if your husband understands that it’s not out of weakness but simply as a way to understand himself better and to become a better person, (which is what everyone does in life anyway but takes years and years), and realizes the damage his anger might bring, he’ll open up to the idea. Good luck to you and your family!
Other note: Please speak out for your children when your husband is angry and get help from family members. My mother spoke to my paternal grandfather about my father’s anger. My grandfather talked to my father and helped him understand that his anger was a problem that needed to be resolved.
My partner also has anger issues. I am also conflict avoidant and “never get angry” so I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time, too. My therapist recommended this book to me. You can disregard the stuff that’s specific to borderline personality disorder, but a lot of the info on dealing with challenging behaviors was useful to me.
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder https://www.amazon.com/dp/1684036895/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_22FCDQMNX1DF0E937QCA
Just don't get angry 🙃
I haven't had much success with self help books around this topic. They have different approaches (avoiding triggers, suppression/re-direction, mindfulness, meditation, etc). But I feel they were written by armchair experts that weren't born into and molded by it. Each person has different facets and causes to their anger: could be thinking patterns, cultural, hormonal, stress/coping response, etc. So what works for one person, won't work at all for another.
This is going to be a long journey, a journey that I'm still on. And it's best to just start digging into different approaches. I'll probably check this workbook out next.
And FWIW, I've had the most growth/breakthroughs from close friends timing me out and patiently offering an alternative reality to what I was experiencing in the moment.
Getting Together and Staying Together: Solving the Mystery of Marriage. It really helps. Focus on it over the holidays. Hang in there!
It sounds like you previously used cutting as a coping mechanism and still resort to self-harm on occasion. Those strategies haven't worked effectively, so you might consider alternatives. Have you tried anger journaling or meditation?
Yes, if you don't like being scared he should respect that. He was thinking "Halloween fun" but it's not fun for everybody. Let him know calmly that you don't like it. If other things like this come up try Getting Together and Staying Together for tips on how to communicate as a couple. Hang in there.
I recommend the book "Rage becomes her" by Soraya Chemaly.
I've only heard through the beginning as an audiobook but it really starts explaining a lot about how we are taught to handle anger (or not) differently depending on gender. Emotions in general, anger in particular. Shying away from it and trying to subdue it does not really end well for most folks.
I was your boyfriend a few months ago. My anger would hurt not only the people around me, but it would drain me as well. And I would constantly blame myself for these emotions. It was like a never ending cycle. And it took so much energy to snap out of it.
What helped me was realising I needed outside help. Things my close friends were telling me, things I was telling me just wasn't enough. Loel your boyfriend, I would try to be better and it just wouldn't stick.
My solutions were like taking painkillers. It would treat the symptoms but not the problem. So it kept coming back.
So for me, a key factor in learning how to deal with my anger was a self-help book. It went into alot of detail and explained anger in alot of ways and was probably one of the best insights I've had about my anger.
this is the book I used but there can be others as well.
I wasn't a huge reader of such books, but reading them has helped me so goddam much about the way I am and the way I communicate.
You can try broaching this idea to your boyfriend, sometimes another outside influence can be of great help.
His anger is hurting you and seeing him blame himself is hurting him and you. And it will slowly lead to emotional burnout on your end, which could strain your relationship if it persists even more.
Yes, this was me for the longest time.
Completely internalising all my anger and frustration until eventually the smallest thing was enough to send me into rage.
And like you, it was never the big things, always tiny things of my sibling not being neat, or me having to completely clean the room (according to what I deemed clean and tidy) as opposed to my sibling (who's also a roommate)
Internalising all of this is what caused almost all our major fights.
Some of the thigns that helped me to deal with these little frustrations is
Understanding that I cannot change fundamental behaviours of a person. No matter how logical I may come off as, sometimes people are set in their ways and may never see their role in a problem.
No matter what, my standards =/= someone else's standards. What I deemed messy and annoying was fine to my sibling.
Letting go of things I have no direct control over. Understanding what I can and cannot control has been the ultimate game changer for me. Little frustrations of someone being messy, long wait times, unexpected delays do not frustrate me anymore and I have come out as a far more patient individual than I ever was.
Even the days I am feeling angry inside, I dissect the issue. What need do I have that's not being met ? What exactly is causing me to get angry? Is it the thing I need something I can obtain/control? Or is it something arbitrary?
Then depending on the answers, I can navigate my anger and let it go, and if I can, focus on getting my needs met.
I'm not sure if this cna work for you, but it's something that has helped me.
Also some self-help books could be of greater insight into your anger too. Personally I recommend this one
They way you described what you're going through and how you are, I feel like I was just reading a description of my anger issues. The only difference is, I'm a woman, married and have no kids. My husband is sweet, kind and gentle like your wife. I'm afraid I'll be a bad, angry mom to my future kids. So I decided to try out behavioural therapy. It's only been 3 sessions so far. nothing's changed in me significantly but I've had far fewer incidents. I also use an app called AIMS anger management originally for army veterans. They have good exercises, reading material, journaling options. You'll get to learn about your triggers and I think that's the way to.work through it. Know your triggers and keep talking to yourself. Apart from that I personally believe I have self-confidence and power issues and I feel most comfortable to feel powerful with my close ones....but i get easily offended by strangers too. Just not powerful to do something about it and I somehow carry this home with me and unburden myself on my family. There is a solution. As the commenter above said, you'll always have situations and people in life that will upset you, let you down or disappoint you. How you express yourself matters. So that's my goal - not to feel less angry/annoyed but how to express these emotions in a healthy, non-violent manner.
Good luckAIMS
It depends on the context. A specific example would help understand what you are dealing with.
But active listening helps. And guidebooks or articles on handling difficult conversations. Hang in there.
I'm glad you shared this here. Don't think of yourself that way. That's just more negative thinking. You did things you're not proud of, as we all have, and it helped you see that you could be better. It helped you realize where you want to be and where you are now. That's not a bad thing.
Learning what healthy, supportive communication between you and your partner should look like helps reduce anxiety and stress in a relationship. So a book like Getting Together and Staying Together is a worth while investment. Hang in there.
This isn't really the right sub. But be completely honest with your counselor. Tell them everything you told us. If they're not able to help you in 3 to 6 months, start seeing someone else. Not all counselors and therapists are alike. It can take time to find the right help. But keep looking! Read everything you can on it too. Consider Staring at the Sun. Hang in there.
Please see this power and control (pdf) wheel and see what coincides with your relationship right now.
You have to take care of yourself first. It doesn't matter if he doesn't have options, he's currently making your life miserable. Suggesting he would hurt himself is classic emotional manipulation used by an abuser to control you.
He is not an angry person. He is an abuser. The difference is how power is used to get what he wants from you, namely to serve his needs, to cater to him.
Please leave and don't tell him when you're doing it. Pack and just go. If he pursues you get a restraining order as soon as you can. You deserve to be happy. Please also see a therapist who specializes in domestic abuse for 6 months after to help you recognize what was happening so you don't get trapped in the same kind of relationship again. A really good book for relationship building is Getting Together and Staying Together to help know what you want and can expect from a loving partner. It's a very easy read and has a lot of great guidance. I wish you the strength to do what you need to do for yourself. Hang in there.
What kinds of things do you argue about? What were you talking about the day you punched the door? Work on improving your communication with each other. The people who we are closest to can unfortunately push our buttons easier than anyone else, simply because we know each other so well. Anger can be considered a growing pain in any close relationship.
The question is does she enjoy making you angry and causing blowups between the two of you? Does she enjoy getting her way and feel like she's proven right just because you got angry? That would be problematic and require a bit more self defense than just improving your communication.
Keep working out and get good sleep. Books like Thriving with Social Anxiety offer a good overview of the various approaches we can use on a daily basis. I hope some of this helps. Hang in there.
Anger can be a growing pain in any relationship. If you can get through it together your relationship will be that much stronger. So don't let the first sign of an argument or disagreement stop you from further investing in what otherwise appears to have great promise. Try to fix it first.
Especially if they are reciprocal and try to work things through with you. Get help together and rely on each other to make the relationship work with better communication. Communication is 50% of what happens on a daily basis. Relationship books like Getting Together and Staying Together help with this. And there's always couple's therapy.
I have only recently come to the same realization about myself, so my perspective may be of limited use, but I think you may benefit from a book I’ve started reading - Why Do I Do That?
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B009PA63YI/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
I have really struggled to gain anything of value from most popular self-help books because of their almost sole reliance on cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which takes a very shallow approach to anger and other emotional problems. It doesn’t look at the root cause and fails to address the role of the subconscious.
What we are both engaging in is a very powerful defense mechanism. Defense mechanisms are unfortunately Freud’s bread and butter, not CBT’s. I need to figure out why I started doing this in order to stop. No amount of meditation, gratitude journaling, or positive affirmations is going to to fix a defense mechanism that was so entrenched that it was invisible to me for most of my life. I suspect that this may also be true for you.
It’s cheap and Amazon provides a sample, so give it a spin. So far, the book has steered clear of Freud’s more outlandish and flashy theories to focus on the ones that survived the test of time - defense mechanisms - which is exactly what the doctor ordered in my case.
You're not alone, and to tell you the truth, I have no idea how to get rid of it. My repressed anger comes out in such childish ways, that when I try to talk about it, I feel embarrassed that it even happened. My way of letting it all go is those Wrist grip things on Amazon. Good luck, and hopefully you find your peace, whatever it may be :)
Books like Thriving with Social Anxiety give a good overview of a variety ways to deal with overthinking situations like this. And journaling about it a little bit every day until you get in the habit of not accepting those negative thoughts and finding the positive side of negative things can help too. For example you put yourself out there, you did something challenging by taking a class, trying to learn new things. We don't have to be perfect. You did your best with the knowledge you had at the time.
With family and friends, When Anger Hurts is a good one. Is that me yelling is great if you have kids.
When Anger Hurts. And also Feeling Good for emotion management.
What kind of therapist are you seeing? Have you told them about your anger? If not, make sure you bring it up next time. Don't hold back. Let them know what your real day to day struggles are.
It's can be really helpful to notice that you are lucky to have good things in your life and to feel grateful for them. But sometimes it feels like other stuff is missing, and we probably shouldn't ignore those feelings. If you have access to a mental health professional, you may find it helpful to explore your anger and sadness through talk therapy. If not, you might try some therapeutic journaling. If you find yourself lashing out/acting on your anger, you could also incorporate an anger management resource into your daily routine. I wish you well!
I think a lot of people would argue that therapy is potentially really helpful for addressing how we process emotions. It sounds like you might benefit from finding some new coping strategies for your anger, and a good therapist could be useful for that. But if you just don't feel ready for therapy at this time, you might consider working with an anger management app for a while. Aims is free and has some promising content. I wish you all the best with whatever you decide to do next!
>I wish I can protect myself from being bullied and not get into a physical altercation. Is that even possible?
IME kinda. I've noticed that the less reactive I am the less I feel "bullied" or taken advantage of, even if sometimes people are still doing thoughtless things. Using anger management strategies can also help create a pause between your emotional response and physical reaction, but it can take a while to acquire proficiency, even with daily practice.
Dogs can be a source of extreme frustration for me on occasion. Mine sometimes does something that requires correction, he then ignores me or turns my reprimand into a game until I get loud, and then he acts pathetic, which makes me feel like an angry monster. It's a crappy cycle. But finding yourself getting enraged with your beloved puppy is a useful sign that you could use some anger management strategies and skill-building. If you haven't done so recently, you might consider reading on the topic, and maybe trying an anger management app like AIMS, which is free and could get you in the habit of regularly working on skills for controlling your anger. With the new year beginning, committing to spend at least a little time each day working on your anger would be an invaluable resolution that is likely to benefit you and your loved ones.
I hope that gives you some ideas and I wish you all the best with your efforts!
Taking responsibility for your anger and reaching out for help is an indispensable first step for gaining greater control over it -- so congrats for taking that step! There are a lot of resources available online and in books to help with controlling anger, but your description makes me think therapy would be the best place for you to begin doing systematic inner work. Your relationship with your parents and history of suppressing your anger suggests to me that the assistance of a professional would be helpful for working through some of those painful memories and processing that suppressed rage. You might also find it helpful to read about anger and maybe experiment with an anger management app like AIMS, which is free and has a lot of tools that could complement any therapy you receive.
I hope that gives you some ideas and I wish you all the best with your efforts!
You might find it helpful to try to figure out what's going on with you lately. One way to do that is through therapeutic journaling. As you take a gradually closer look at the source(s) of your anger, you may also try to combat the emerging anger habit with an anger management app like AIMS, which is free and has a lot of tools that will get you regularly working with various strategies and skills for deescalating and processing your anger. You can then adopt any strategy/skill that seems to resonate with you and try to get better at deploying it when needed (it can take a ton of practice and repeated failure before you get really proficient with any skill, so patience is important).
I hope that gives you some ideas and please try to be understanding and patient with yourself while you handle this emotionally challenging phase in your life. All the best!
I can sense how painful this incident was for you, and I'm very familiar with the sense of hopelessness and shame that comes from not being able to manage your anger. I agree with the book recommendations provided by another poster, and you might also look into an anger management app like AIMS, which is free and has a lot of tools that seem promising. The key thing is just to commit and recommit yourself each day to managing your anger. It can take a lot of time, and there will be highs and lows, but if you're consistent you should see progress. I wish you all the best with those efforts, and remember -- your mom's worth it!
Feeling like your colleagues hate you is really difficult because you're around them for so much of the week. If the environment seems too toxic, your anger may be telling you it's time to see what else might be available.
As for what you describe as your severe anger, therapy could be a good place to start the process of working through your childhood traumas. But if that's not realistic at the moment, you may find therapeutic journaling is a useful alternative. You might also look into an anger management app like AIMS, which is free and has a lot of tools that seem promising.
I wish you peace and comfort and hope your workplace will soon become less of an obstacle to your well-being.
It sounds like you're dealing with a number of challenges these days. I get the sense from your post that you don't like yourself very much right now and the lack of motivation might make the effort required for self-improvement seem like too much at times. I second the advice about reaching out to a mental health professional and will reiterate some of the things I just wrote in my reply to another post on this sub: If talk therapy isn't a realistic option at the moment, you may find therapeutic journaling to be a useful alternative. In addition to therapy, getting regular physical exercise, enough sleep, nutritious food and pursuing things you (used to?) find interesting will naturally help elevate and regulate your mood. You might also look into an anger management app like AIMS, which is free and has a lot of tools that seem promising.
If that all seems like too much at the moment, you might just try to do one positive, helpful thing for yourself each day and let the momentum build naturally. If you can develop a healthier view of yourself, you may find it easier to believe you can change in positive ways. I wish you all the best with that process and everything else you're going through.
Have you taken the time to really analyze your anger? You might find it helpful to spend at least a few weeks writing in an anger journal to help you identify and defuse your typical triggers. You might also look into an anger management app like AIMS, which is free and has a lot of tools that seem promising. Getting better at controlling our anger is a process, so it's important to just be consistent. I wish you all the best with that process!
That sounds like a really challenging situation. Have you examined why you keep verbally attacking him? Is that something you do to other people too? You might look into an anger management app like AIMS, which is free and has a lot of tools that seem promising. You might also experiment with some journaling to help take a closer look at your feelings. I wish you strength and solace during this challenging period in your life.
> We are going to meet next week to discuss our communication
This sounds really promising, and you might consider using this opportunity to speak openly about your anger and ways you might work on it together. The key thing is to avoid accusations and criticisms, and instead talk about how certain things make you feel and just try to understand each other's perspectives.
As for your general issues with anger management, I hope you're still using various strategies and cues to notice triggers and defuse/redirect/release your anger. To keep yourself consistent and accountable, you might look into an anger management app like AIMS, which is free and has a lot of tools that seem promising.
I wish you both all the best as you collaboratively sort out that messy communication stuff that's so important in a relationship.
Many, many people hear voices and live perfectly productive lives. Check out Hallucinations by Oliver Sacks. Do not treat them as the enemy or as a bad part of you. You're not doomed or cursed. Be gentle with them. Fighting them or hating them will make it more difficult. So just treat them like something that comes and goes, like leaves on the wind.
The amnesia, I'm sorry I can't respond to, but similarly, don't beat yourself up about it. Keeping a daily journal may help with remembering important details. Definitely call your doctor and ask who you should see about it if you find memory problems affect your life and work. Hang in there.
We all think we're smart and we all have high expectations. That's half the problem with anger. We think we're right all the time. So when people disagree with us or things don't go our way we lose it. But forcing the issue only leads to sadness. At the end of the day it doesn't matter how we make the coffee or what we think of the news.
What matters is the relationship. And beating our partner up with our opinions pushes us away from them. So we want to put our ego aside, needing to be right and authoritative, and instead focus on what brings us together. Focus on sharing instead of correcting. And after you've shared, make sure to listen as well and consider their thoughts.
So instead of forcing your opinion on others, see if you can both listen and share and see what common ground you can find. The more we share with each other both by communicating and by listening, the more we don't feel quite so alone.
Really work on not saying mean things. Relationship books like Getting Together and Staying Together have practical advice for those kinds of strategies, how to communicate better and how to find ways to stop criticizing each other.
Be kind to yourself while you're figuring it out. Getting mad at yourself for getting mad only makes it worse. See if you can treat each anger episode as an incident you can review to figure out at what point you could intervene with yourself to have a better outcome next time.
The anger management techniques work if we know why we're doing them. As long as we understand why, then getting up and going to a different room, getting a glass of water, staring out the window, going for a walk, can work. Hang in there.
Yes, that's a great snippet. David Burns teaches cognitive behavioral therapy in his books Feeling Good and the Feeling Good Workbook. It's why therapy helps. Because anger is just another emotion like anxiety or depression. Once we realize we can alter it, we can start to control it.
How many cars you over take on a highway there's always gonna be another car in front of you.. It could be a shitty electric car or a good V8 engine.. The world is round my friend it's an endless loop..
I'll leave a link to a book that has helped me shape my thinking it may help you too.
https://www.amazon.in/dp/1846045851/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_BA6sFb4WEK5CM
Do you have a specific example you can share? There are books like Is that Me Yelling or When Anger Hurts Your Kids that you could use to find alternative approaches for him to consider.
Not that it makes it any easier but remember there are countless mothers asking their sons the same questions every day all over the world. People have kids so they can have grandkids. They are tough on their own kids so they can spoil their grandchildren. For many people that is their greatest joy in life.
Even if you never intend to have children she may always carry this hope. It will be a long challenge to endure her voiced opinions while you have your own personal ambitions and desires for personal fulfillment. Try not to let it harm your relationship with her any more than it has to. You can't control what she wants or says. You can only control how you respond to it. When she brings it up you can practice changing the subject to a neutral topic you both like to talk about. It won't always be successful but you can get better at it over time. If it is too much, you can go to another room or leave the house and go for a walk. But try not to take it out on her or hate yourself for not being exactly what she expected of you.
You don't have to be like your dad. Use your dad as an example of what you want to fix. Don't hate him for the way he is though. And don't hate yourself for being their child. We can't choose our parents. But we can choose what kind of person we aspire to be. Try a book or journaling. Hang in there.
Are either of your parents angry? What was the environment like growing up? You still want to hold off labeling yourself IED. It's the same as saying, "Well I'm just an alcoholic, so I'm screwed." We can use it as a way to give ourselves a permanent sentence and feel like we have no other excuse but to act that way. Then we are acting from a place of helplessness. Don't let your thoughts about it take your power away. See an actual therapist to talk through your concerns. Rage: A Step-by-Step Guide to Overcoming Explosive Anger
My favorite book that helped me the most is not necessarily about anger management. It taught me so much about my emotional health and communication. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Nonviolent Communication Guides) https://www.amazon.com/dp/189200528X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_mkYkFbRMSWSQ3
The most concerning part is telling you to shut up and then ignoring your ability to sleep by being noisy in the bedroom. That's extremely rude and inconsiderate. He didn't just shut you out, he took over. He could have gone somewhere else but that's not even the main problem. He has an emotional and communication block right now. Why can't he share what he wants to do so you can plan accordingly. Maybe he saw "doing things together" the next day as a chore. But if he can't even talk about it you guys can't adjust together.
Your not having work the next day apparently made him feel like he could relax. Being furloughed and the whole social distancing thing is really taking a toll on people's stress during Covid. He is having trouble sharing how he feels. For some reason he feels like he can't just come out and say what he's thinking.
You could bring this incident up with him again and suggest if he can't even talk about it you want to do couple's therapy for a few months to help improve your communication. Couple's therapy is about helping two people work through their differences so they have more understanding and fulfillment of shared needs. You might want to post this on r/relationship_advice to see what they can offer too. Sorry you're going through this right now. There are relationship books like Getting Together and Staying Together. Hang in there.
I don't know your situation but the Anger Management for Dummies book is very broad and general, covering many major aspects of life and anger but it's also very practical and easy to navigate if you're already familiar with the For Dummies or Idiot's Guide books. It's a really good starter book to get a grip on where your anger is coming from and getting basic strategies for handling it.
But before that I took this 24 hour class and it was a big help. I wrote notes during each hour and tried to apply it. It took me a month to finally get through it but it was worth it. I took it as slowly and methodically as I could to try and absorb everything. The second half is more about domestic violence and violent offenses. The first half focuses on personal anger and relationships. So you might only need the first half (in 8 or 12 hours). But I decided to take the whole thing to get the full picture. The For Dummies book reminded me of a lot of the content so it helps reinforce the basic information and I'm sure it would have been just as helpful if I had picked it first.
He cannot put off working on his anger and self harm issues until after moving out and getting away from M. He needs to start working on those issues right now, even while living under the same roof. When M agitates him he needs to be assertive and manage his own personal boundaries. If he feels pushed around he should go for a walk. Well before getting so agitated he feels like hitting. The goal is to change his reaction to something better and healthier.
Even after he moves out, he needs to figure out how to manage that relationship with M. Otherwise he will go right down that path every time he interacts with them. Will he still maintain regular contact with them or will he cut them off?
> if I am going to be with him I have to accept that it's possible this is something that is a part of him and he might be unable to change it
This isn't an acceptable answer. If he can't commit to never stabbing or cutting again, especially since you have dealt with self harm too and know what it's like, seriously consider making it the talking point of why you can't be with him if it comes to that. I'm sorry you're dealing with this and for him and his struggles. But you have to protect yourself too.
Your local library may have some books and other resources on self harm and there's Amazon (see the used links for cheaper copies) and eBay where you can find books like Freedom from Self Harm. Asking a librarian always results in much more useful information than you might normally find just walking around. There are self harm hotlines if you'd like to talk to someone about what to do in a bad situation or how to help them on a daily basis. Hang in there.
One of the most consistent pieces of advice I've gotten is when work becomes hell, to disengage from the vast majority of what is going on and just focus on getting the bare minimum done every day. Not to take any kind of revenge on the company but to protect yourself. What's your core function? Then just do that. Don't go above and beyond, don't stay extra hours. The purpose is to scale back your investment in it on a daily basis so you still have some energy for yourself at the end of the day. Conserve your energy and focus on self care. What do you need to help you feel better on a daily basis?
An important part of that is to start completely and absolutely ignoring what everyone else is doing. Unplug yourself from the drama other people get involved in. Don't participate in any of that. Even if you usually got sucked into it before, you can still start to withdraw yourself from it. Just don't contribute or listen to it. Pretend you're listening as long as you have to and then change the subject back to work or just walk away.
If you get agitated, go for a walk. Just take a break. Do something to distract yourself from the other people in a healthy way. So walking is great. But you can also just go get a glass of water, get lunch somewhere new, etc. The point is to physically separate yourself from the "trigger" whatever it is. Sometimes the trigger is our own thoughts, but we can do the same thing. Water or a walk only takes a minute or tow but it lets our mind let go of whatever we were starting to get trapped up in.
Books like Working with You is Killing Me has practical advice for work situations. Hope some of this helps.
Do you have access to a therapist? If not, please look into a local support group/anger management class. In addition to talk therapy, you might consider reading on the topic and looking into an anger management app like AIMS, which is free and could get you in the habit of working on skills for controlling your anger. I'm glad that you're trying to do the right thing for yourself and your girlfriend. If she thinks you might hurt her or yourself, that's a sign that things have gone too far and it's time to get professional help. I wish you all the best with that.
You mentioned now you know she’s worried she may be pregnant. That’s why she was having trouble talking about it. She was probably worried about how you would react. So instead of saying directly, “I may be pregnant”, she just talked about her symptoms.
We all do this at some point in a relationship. It can be stressful being explicit about what’s going on even if it’s the most direct thing to do. And especially when the subject matter is really important. We don’t know how to approach it so we hold it in and communicate indirectly in the only ways we know how. So try to seek how you two can share important information without fear of judging each other.
One of the strongest pieces of advice I can offer is the book Getting Together and Staying Together . It echoes the advice that she’s not looking for a solution but just empathy. But it goes into detail about how to communicate better and share your needs in a positive way to help bring you closer over time. Wish you two the best. Hang in there.
It's not the coffee but the experience of having coffee. The process as it relates to thoughts and the passing of time. It's an encapsulated moment that's peaceful and there are no other expectations. It's why the tea ceremony is such a huge thing in Eastern countries. Get coffee (or tea), brew it, decide how you want to drink it (cream or sugar? hot or cold?). Pick out a cup, pour it. Sit down (in your favorite chair or a new/different chair than usual?) Have a sip, look out the window, have a sip, the mind is relaxed because there's nothing else to do but enjoy the coffee, have a sip, contemplate whatever comes up, have a sip, mentally review your schedule for the day, have a sip... Mindfulness in Plain English
It's also why going to coffee shops is fun. It's not the coffee but the conversation, the atmosphere, the ambiance. The smell of the coffee upon walking in, the feel of the table and chair. Seeing familiar faces, new faces, hearing conversation, people watching and looking out the windows.
Wow, ok. You have a stalker. In the US your boss could actually be breaking the law by letting this person know your whereabouts on the phone. They need to stop doing that immediately. Your boss should help you by no longer telling this person whether you're on duty or not. Or anything about your whereabouts for that matter. She can call and leave a voicemail or send you an email and you can get back to her. But that's on your terms. Not your bosses.
If you have an HR department you can call and ask for advice. But personally I have found HR department to be worse than useless because they are basically just corporate gossip factories. It might be better to ask and tell your story on r/LegalAdvice. Or call a legal help line in your country.
Start working on maintaining boundaries. Slowly start building up your ability to basically shun her selfish / needy requests and protect your office time. It's difficult to go hard core, she will probably notice immediately and overreact. But with small requests and statements you can start putting barricades in place. When you have to work or even if you just don't want to talk to them clearly state, "I have to get work done, I need my office to do work right now." You don't have to legitimize it by telling them your itinerary or sharing your calendar. It's your office and your time. They need to get out. There are books like Working with you is killing me that have very practical advice.
Worse case scenario, start looking for a job in another department, a different location or at another company for that matter. But you can use this time as practice working on being assertive in case it happens again. Treat this as a game. If you can keep it in the perspective as a cat and mouse game, it will be less personally exhausting. Hang in there!
We do get better at it but it takes time and practice. Every new job is a chance to start over. It helps to read a book like Working with you is killing me to get through it and process what was going on at the time. It also has some tools/techniques for dealing with it differently the next time around. There are also books like Rage for dealing directly with the anger itself. Don't beat yourself up about it. We can't be prepared for every situation. But we can learn and get better at it. Hope this helps.
Witnessing or even just hearing about a loved one hurting themselves is traumatic. There's something called secondary traumatic stress. For example when parents are physically abusive to each other, it has a hugely negative effect on their children, even if they never touch the kids. This is the same thing. So please do look at it in the sense that if you hurt yourself you are also causing him pain.
When you feel like walking, not stomping, it takes a lot more walking to work that out. So just keep walking. Go outside and take a good walk. As you learned, when we get angry it has a lot of energy associated with it. That's the fight or flight response, in this case fight. But when we don't know what to do with that energy we can take it out on ourselves for lack of a better option coming to mind. So plan for the next time you get that angry by just being ready to go for a walk, a real walk.
But you still need to work on communication. Especially since it's misunderstandings that set you two off. Consider couples therapy or reading a book together like, Getting Together and Staying Together. But work on sharing with each other instead of trying to win arguments. He needs to work on it too if he immediately gets so defensive because he doesn't trust you're supporting him. If he was able to truly listen, like with active listening, you two would have been able to realize you're on the same team. The greatest challenge here is just better communication styles. Hope this helps, hang in there!
Awesome self-awareness and an important first step toward greater overall peace and contentment. But you probably don't have to look anywhere for happiness, though growth and change are likely to be part of the process. I enjoyed A New Earth and it was a very popular framing of the sort of inner work that goes into overcoming many of our misconceptions about who we are and what's really important. All the best with your process!
If therapy or couples counseling isn't an option -- I understand that you're between jobs -- you might consider enrolling in an inexpensive online anger management course (you don't have to pay for the certificate), and you might pair that curriculum with an anger management app like AIMS, which is free and has a lot of tools that seem promising. By completing a course, you not only learn some new strategies for handling your anger, but you can show your wife that you're committed to the sort of personal growth that should reduce the intensity and frequency of future outbursts. I hope that gives you some ideas and I wish you all the best with this process.
It sounds like you might benefit from some professional support. Is therapy an option? If that's not realistic at the moment, you might consider looking into journal therapy and maybe trying an anger management app like AIMS, which is free and has a lot of tools that seem promising.
Got it. Expecting your actions to reflect your words is reasonable, so you might see how she feels about you going to therapy if that's a realistic option. If that's not doable at the moment, you could also agree to take an inexpensive online anger management course (you don't have to pay for the certificate), and then pair that with an anger management app like AIMS, which is free and has a lot of tools that seem promising. FWIW all of those options might be helpful regardless of whether or not they change her mind.
Is there some reason you can't see a therapist/counselor? Many find that to be the most logical place to begin managing anger. If that's not right for you at the moment, you might want to spend at least a few weeks anger journaling to become more aware of your triggers, and it's a good idea to make sure you're getting enough sleep, regular physical activity, eating a decent diet, and enjoying a hobby that relieves stress -- that stuff can be really important for stabilizing our moods. Also, you might look into an anger management app like AIMS, which is free and has a lot of tools that look promising. I hope that gives you some ideas and good luck with this process!
Thanks you guys for sharing your ideas. This is my favorite book on relationships and trying to figure out how to handle things together in a positive way. Getting Together and Staying Together Hang in there! (Oh the post was deleted by OP. Not sure you'll get this or not. The post can't be seen on the sub any more.)
There's a really good book called Getting Together and Staying Together on building a relationship together where both partner's needs are met. I'm sorry you're in this situation. Hang in there!
She's doing stuff a single girl would do and it's making you jealous. That's normal. Say it out loud, "This is making me jealous!" Claim your feelings. Anger sometimes is useful because it helps us identify how we are feeling about something. We don't want to react more than the situation calls for. But let this anger help you be very clear in your thoughts. Don't push it away. What is this anger telling you?
Talk to her about it. Tell her it makes you jealous. Ask if she thinks you two are in a serious relationship or not. Ask her if you did the same things how would she feel? It can make you fear being alone to think about these things but would you want to stay with someone who treats you this way? You have to ask yourself if she is treating you like this and you're not even married is this the right partner for you? Do you ultimately want to get married? Do you want kids? Be clear about your feelings and share them up front with her.
Getting Together and Staying Together is a good book to help work through some of these things. Hang in there!
You're welcome and good for you! A little philosophy can help too. Hope you're feeling better soon.
The Dance of Anger. You can get this book on Amazon or eBay for $10 or less. It deals directly with anger and family and friendships. Your local library might have a copy. See if you can search their website for it. A library card is free. Just return or renew it on time. Sometimes you can renew the books you have already checked out online too!
If you have ADHD you should probably be on meds but that's up to you. There are many low-price drugs that can help with it. Your regular doctor (General Practitioner) can write the prescription. You don't need to necessarily see a therapist for that.
Don't be hard on yourself! You are dealing with it in the moment right now. Getting angry at yourself just makes everything more difficult. Give yourself credit for trying to do something about it. Later on you can give sincere apologies to your friends and admit you had trouble with it. If they accept you back, great. If they don't, then maybe you need more resilient friendships than that.
But please do some research to see if you can find low-cost or free therapy in your area. If you can get a job with health insurance of course that helps a lot. Hang in there!
Therapy. As soon as he can get signed up. If he has health insurance it’s relatively cheap, $20-50 per visit. Without it it’s about $100 per session (depending on what state). Usually once a week at first and then once a month after things calm down. Regardless of whether his general doctor prescribes meds he should still see a therapist. They go hand in hand.
When Anger Hurts: Quieting the Storm Within is an excellent book to have at hand. Go straight to Chapter 6 and start from there. You guys don’t need the introductory chapters. Good luck!
Sorry that doesn't work!
Have you tried a white noise machine? Some people swear by them. I've noticed I fall asleep better when the air conditioner is making noise. When it turns off it's eerily silent and my mind starts going a little.
Light reading something before turning the light off?
Can you ban the cats from the bedroom at night?
I've personally tried earplugs but they hurt my ears and I become overly conscious of them.
I hope you can find a way to get to sleep without having to wear yourself out. :(