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I'm 41 and my mother STILL had to almost physically drag me off the beach when I was looking at rocks.
Our "quirks" are part of us. It's difficult, almost impossible to say WHY the thing we love are loved so, so deeply but I would find it hurtful to have those things said to me, and I am by all accounts not far off DOUBLE your age!
I have figured a system where I have my sentimental things stored in a practical way, and if you look through my profile there are some photos of how I've managed to make my absolute obsessive rock collecting look "adult" and socially acceptable, I wonder if something like this might help?
The trays mean when you open it up, you can see all of the disparate bits, you know they're safe, and they're easily visible whenever you want that little connection with them. In my studio room, I have two bookcases just full of tiny 2" drawers that I have everything from jewellery making supplies to ...pieces of old clay pipes from the 1800s that i've picked up, hoards and hoards of beads, I'm never going to use them all.... sea glass, I even have rubber stamps from the 1980s I've held on to for 35 years. Hello Kitty stickers & notepaper I've had since at least 2001, some from 1999... I even have clothing that I wore in 1988 that's survived into my pyjama pile.
You ARE acting your age. You're an adult with a collection.
There are books by autistic mothers about their experiences that you might find helpful.
My mom isn't autistic but my dad is, and he's a great dad. there are plenty of great parents on the spectrum. Best of luck.
Or you could be like me, and say “screw you, shower, you’ll never take me alive!” and buy a portable fold-out bathtub to put in your shower stall. 😬
I also had meltdowns every time my dad tied one shoe tighter than the other! Our problems were solved by these babies, but mine were even cooler because they had sparkles.
I'd recommend setting up a good portfolio somewhere, and then applying to jobs on places like freelancer.com and upwork.com, and check the forums of whatever software he uses for design, they usually have a jobs section too. Also post in places like /r/forhire and, if he does video game graphics, /r/GameDevClassifieds
For reference, I am a freelance programmer. I am terrible at advertising myself or "networking". I just go to various job boards and answer job postings, with my CV, portfolio, and a cover letter that describes similar jobs I've done to what they need done currently, maybe with a few details about how I'd approach their current task. I've been the main bread winner for over half a decade by doing this. Sometimes it would take dozens of messages before I'd get a job, but I never went for more than a couple weeks without a gig, and most clients will have repeat work if you do a good job.
Of course, things may be different in the graphics world compared to programming, though I don't see why a similar strategy wouldn't work there. Particularly if small amounts of money will make a difference.
Found this toothpaste from Tom's of Maine:
Tom's of Maine Natural Children's Fluoride Toothpaste, Outrageous Orange Mango, 5.1 oz. 3-Pack https://www.amazon.com/dp/B082VL1KQ9/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_fabc_WGXYP0798HX7ZX1WZ3W4
I'll second this! White noise hurts my ears & head, but grey noise does it for me. If you're looking for an app to get all of these sounds, I STRONGLY suggest the app called White Noise (linked below). It has all of the "colors" of noise that the OP mentioned, and a ton of other sounds that you can mix to your own enjoyment (including volume, orientation to you, and how often it loops) - things like running water, rain, wind, waves, etc. Also you can download a companion app to get truly endless sounds, if that is your jam. I've used it for years and am obsessed
https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.tmsoft.whitenoise.full
My favorite shirts are Michael Stars 100% Supima cotton shirts. I also really like Velvet 100% cotton slub shirts and tissue weight shirts. Both of those brands have some styles that are really flattering, tending more towards timeless than trendy (that’s my style).
These 90 Degree by Reflex High Waist leggings are my current favorite leggings for comfort, but like most cotton leggings they unfortunately only come in black. I can’t wear most synthetic leggings and pants as they give me a rash. They look as stylish as activewear ever does.
Some beta brand yoga dress pants are super comfy despite being synthetic. Cute and more office appropriate.
I love cashmere for sweaters and scarves, and those are usually pretty chic. White and Warren is a great brand for stylish sweaters. Nordstrom used to have this giant tissue weight cashmere scarf that was almost the size of a bath sheet. Very cute and endless ways to wear it.
I got a big floor fan to use while I workout because I found tower fans eventually stop working as well and this thing moves a TON of air. This is the one I got, if you're able to find something similar I definitely recommend it!
I bought a pair of the Sony WH-1000X M3 awhile ago too and they’re wonderful. I also love the Adaptive Sound capabilities and ways you can customize cancellation settings in the product app.
Most recently, I bought a pair of the Loop Quiet Noise Reduction Earplugs which I’ve used both in my home and out to brunch today (cause one of our favorite spots is right by a busy street and it always caused sensory overload for me) for the first time and they were fantastic and I can finally enjoy brunch like so many other people who were dining on the patio around us.
I also have the Jane’s 75t and 65t earbuds for when I’m listening to something but it’s nice to have some earplugs that reduce the noise level down a bit (by 25 decibels) without a Bluetooth connection or needing recharging. Even my fiancé is looking to get a pair to save his hearing and I might just get one or two more pairs so I can always have a pair with me!
So there’s levels to this. If you’re already feeling over the edge in the moment, it is likely too late to prevent anything and just go into emergency care mode (go somewhere dark, quiet, and where you can be alone, ideally).
Sound is my biggest sensory issue and I got the loop quiet earplugs about two months ago. The “quiet” kind are made for noise blocking (the “experience” kind,which I don’t have and haven’t tried are different).
Loop Quiet Noise Reduction Earplugs – Super Soft, Reusable Hearing Protection in Flexible Silicone for Sleep, Noise Sensitivity & Flights - 6 Ear Tips in S, M, L – 25dB Noise Cancelling - Black https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08MFDT65P/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_RQXZA7D43V338BJHNG2A
I wear them all the time. They make a big difference in stores for me. I can still hear background noise so I don’t think it would put me in danger the way headphones + music might).
I also wear ear muffs (Iike ear defenders) over the earplugs and it is bliss.
Use the noise cancelling headphones without music!
I keep various pairs on for 20h/day and I rarely listen to anything. I just enjoy the silence.
I know white noise helps some people too, though I personally find that more annoying. But if ANC isn't enough, or your headphones somehow don't do ANC without playing something, you can try something like this to find some kind of noise you find less annoying: https://mynoise.net/NoiseMachines/whiteNoiseGenerator.php
I am so obsessed with this Calvin Klein bra. I ordered multiples and it’s the only one I wear these days: https://www.amazon.com/Calvin-Klein-Invisibles-Adjustable-Bralette/dp/B077991MP5/ref=mp_s_a_1_11?dchild=1&keywords=calvin+klein+bra&qid=1627606190&sprefix=calvin+&sr=8-11
They actually make these for humans, too! Google sensory toothbrush. Example: https://www.amazon.com/bA1-Health-Specialty-Toothbrush-Sensitive/dp/B06XFHS5FT
I have misophonia, hyperacusis and tinnitus. I always carry earplugs so I can put them in when I need to. The NR 33 foam ones work the best for creating near silence (aside from the increased tinnitus when I have them in). I’ve tried many many varieties of earplugs and earbuds.
The shoe thing: I am the same, I only wear sandals/flip flops (rarely vans) from march to october then I wear one pair of shoes I like rest of year. HOWEVER, I just found the god send of cute, cheap, boots that dont bother my sensory issues here.
I would try them if you want something cute that wont make you want to unalive yourself.
I personally hate pants and opt for shorts, skirts, and sweat pants so I can’t speak there, but cute sweaters, oversized crop tops, and cute tshirts are options!
Overall though, this is really a problem with your husband. These are just solutions I have for you if you do want to “appeal” to him more.
I'm sorry to hear that, it's all too common. I feel extremely lucky to have health insurance. You can take baby steps on your own, if you want to. There are good workbooks out there. I have this one: self esteem workbook, and I just got this one too, that my therapist recommended: imposter syndrome workbook
One thing you can also do is look around for sliding scale therapy, I was lucky to find a therapist ten years ago when I was very poor and had no insurance, and I think I paid like $5 a session. This was in Illinois in the US, not sure where you are or if these kinds of things exist. Just know you can feel comfortable, it starts with radical acceptance or the self, changing things around to fit YOU.
Lots of suggestions for bug sprays and patches, but you could also use a mosquito net. I love sitting outside and reading in the sun, so I've created a little place for myself with a comfy chair (or hammock), a table, a propane heater, and if you don't mind staying stationary you could use something like this!
I've used this unscented bug spray before with okay results. I think it's the smell of deet that I can't handle so I look for deet free bug spray. Typically children's and baby bug spray doesn't have any deet. I like this kind because it's more likely to use essential oils for the scent which do not bother me while the synthetic chemical smells bother me a lot.
We used Avon skin so soft growing up for bug spray and it has a very gentle scent that doesn't bother me.
Connecting With The Autism Spectrum is my go-to if you want basic information in a package that isn't too intimidating. It's only around a hundred pages without citations, any one subpoint never goes over one page, and it's very concise and articulate. Plus, the author is Autistic!
https://www.amazon.com/Colgate-Fresh-Disposable-Toothbrush-Peppermint/dp/B00HXAIN90 These disposable toothbrushes, they’re not a perfect replacement but I keep them next to my bed for when I just can NOT get up to brush my teeth. Awesome if u have issues with executive function.They are pretty minty tho
I don’t have one myself but I saw it and immediately thought of it for my autistic teen who is also a “warm fuzzy.” I call them this because they always want to be cocooned in soft, warm, squishy, fuzzy things from head to toe. They find it so soothing. If you like “nesting” in your warm fuzzies, I also highly recommend these memory foam bean-style bags! We do have a couple of these and they’re AWESOME!!! They’re really big and the shredded foam is firm enough to support your body but sooooo soft and comfy. The fabric of the bags is a very soft peachy-fuzzy microfiber. They come in a bunch of different colors and they are pretty affordable! Also they come in cool stuff sacks if you ever needed to store them temporarily one day. 3’ Shredded Memory Foam “Bean” Bag
How about a super fat seal!? It’s not weighted but maybe it can be gently modified? I dunno but this guy’s definitely made for squeezing 🥰Big Fat Seal Stuffy Friend
>Neglect isn't the same as other kinds of abuse, you kind of just have to be a big girl and take care of yourself and get on with it.
You're right in that neglect isn't the same as other kinds of abuse; a lot of mental health professionals now believe that it can be more damaging than other kinds of abuse. I'm not the one downvoting you but my guess is that it's comments like that that are leading to the downvoting. When our caregiver or caregivers fail us repeatedly and have a history of minimizing the neglect we're receiving at their hands, we tend to internalize that behavior and minimalize the neglect ourselves. Your comments don't read like that of a positive person at all but rather someone deep in denial. But what do I know, I've only got a PhD in Psychology with a focus on executive dysfunction and parenting behaviors. :)
For anyone reading this who is interesting in healing from cptsd and feeling comfortable in their own skin, this book is absolutely excellent. The cover looks pretty grumpy, imo, but ignore it - the book is fantastic.
I love these, they're all I wear now. They are very tight and supportive, like a second skin. I do prefer very tight clothing though because I can't stand the feeling of fabric rubbing on my skin. No wires, adjustable straps, and removable cup inserts. As tight as they are, I never get red or indent lines and I can't even feel it when it's on. Straps never slip down. There are metal adjuster clip things on the straps, but they have never been something I could feel, and the straps are usually what bother me the most on a bra. I will also say I am an A32 in regular bras, but reviews from much bustier people also say they are good support. https://www.amazon.com/SEGRILA-Sports-Impact-Workout-Fitness/dp/B08BHVNN17/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=Segrila+bra&qid=1623076213&sr=8-3
I have a fidget ring and putty. I always have a hair binder on my wrist. I find that the hair binder is something that I am able to use even in front of people. You could use a rubber band.
Office supplies that I have used: Paper clips and binder clips are easy enough to fit in your hand. I have a pen that I can click with a side release button that is relatively quiet if I hold down the button (https://www.amazon.com/Pentel-BK440A-Retractable-Ballpoint-Barrel/dp/B000UHOXYC). Flip through a pad of post-it notes.
I tap my fingers on my leg during meetings. I also listen to music with one earbud in since I'm afraid others will think I'm rude if I have both in.
Connecting With The Autism Spectrum is my personal go-to if you just want some general information on Autism. It's a really good, simple, catch-all book. I find it to be rather approachable with its style. It's very straightforward and simple but not condescending. Plus, it's only about 100 pages minus citations, so not a long read at all.
Best part? The author is Autistic!
My mom's also in her 60s and understood the book pretty well from what I can tell.
I have always had a strong aversion to mint. I can't stand it. Even most of the fruity toothpastes ended up having some kind of mint or would just be chalky as hell. Cinnamon was too "spicy" and just burned my tongue too much. It has taken me a long time to find a great tasting toothpaste with no mint whatsoever. This toothpaste is perfection. It's got all the fluoride of an adult toothpaste. Both the Vanilla and Chocolate are amazing! I use both, but I prefer the chocolate one. It tastes like sweet chocolate milk (possibly too sweet for some, but not me. I'm kind of a sugar junkie), actually makes my mouth feel clean, leaves a great aftertaste and doesn't ruin the taste of my morning coffee. I hope they never discontinue this. It's my Holy Grail of toothpaste.
I skin pick too! I bought a pack of things from Amazon and find they help a a lot. I carry a ziploc bag in my backpack with a few incase I need them
Kidoer Fidget Toys Set Fidget... https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B09682LFZ9?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
The only thing that comes to mind is like water tubes like this?
This is such a habit of mine -- and my mother too actually. She is still picking and popping and she's in her 60s now. The ONLY thing that has seemed to work consistently for me is either making it impossible to pop until the impulse passes or redirecting to another satisfying stim. And now I do both.
I tend to pick and pop after I shower, so 1) fogging up the bathroom so I can't use the mirror and getting out of dodge while it's still foggy and 2) taking the bulbs out above the mirror so that I can't even see the guys I want to pop properly (taking away the satisfaction of it) has helped a lot. But sometimes circumstances change or the fog clears or whatever, so my new effective thing has actually been to have a pop-it figurine in the shower. Something about pushing in his bumps and popping them all out at once just does it for me and I don't even feel the need to pick my skin anymore (which also super confirmed for me that it was a stim).
I have something <strong>similar to this guy.</strong>
I know the same things might not work for different people, so YMMV. Identifying it as a stim and then learning to redirect as much as possible has helped me a lot to stop destroying my face skin.
No problem. I don't mind at all. If you hear anything back that seems useful, and don't mind sharing, I would love to hear about it. For the spiky balls, mine are like this one (amazon link): https://www.amazon.com/AISEELY-Acupressure-Magnetic-Hedgehog-Soreness/dp/B0B73KJY1R/?th=1
The size I have is either small or medium, not exactly sure which. Just make sure you get a pair of magnetic SHARP ones that list "acupuncture" or similar, because they also make similar softer plastic ones that are more for foot massages, and those aren't as good for this.
I buy these and they're super easy to use.
The etymology of the english language is one of my interests! This bookis amazing for anyone who geeks out about it (it’s on audible too for any audio book peeps)
Fully covering it may result in some issues, but you can probably cover half of it -- I'd suggest getting a sheet (or two? how massive is it?) of magnet material (like this from Amazon) so it won't move around much, or shed dust into the vent like a rug might.
They do make redirecting covers (so the air blows sideways instead of straight up) for smaller vents, but they're a few inches tall and cheap plastic, so you couldn't walk on them, and I doubt they make them big enough for a vent that could be described as massive.
My mom bought me a copy of the book, "Been There Done That. Try This! An Aspie's Guide to Life on Earth" edited by Tony Attwood.
https://www.amazon.com/Been-There-Done-That-This/dp/1849059640
It's an okay book but the thing I most enjoyed about it was that it was crowdsourced from 15 different autistics with firsthand interviews, including Temple Grandin and Liane Holliday Willey. (who are both lovely!) It mentions that the single largest problem that all of the autistics they polled is actually anxiety, not socialization. Socialization is super hard, but they break it down into a bunch of other skills. That helped me see that there were actually skills I could work on, like better pacing in conversation or when I want to get close to someone. Or like managing my own interoception/not checking in with my body enough to remember to eat etc.
I also really enjoyed Rudy Simone's "Aspergirls" for some simple, human feedback that I was normal and actually doing better than i thought. It talks about bullying a lot, which wasnt my main issue, but I just love the way it normalizes an autistic childhood.
Yes! There's even a book for it (well... of course there is!): The Novel Cure by Ella Berthoud and Susan Elderkin. It's delightful.
I can write the formatting languages HTML and CSS.
I have learned a bit of Google's version of JavaScript (Gscripts) because you can use it to connect Google sheets to the entire google suite.
A lot of what I do in IT because I'm on the software as a service side (if you program at all and many don't! IT is a diverse field!!) is "block programming" where a program is prebuilt and you just use logic rules on blocks connected in order to do things for you: "if this, then this, if that, then this."
For an example of what I do is this kids program .. https://scratch.mit.edu/ it doesn't look like much but this is how you can learn the foundations of programing better than all the other methods I've encountered. The logic that is taught here is 1:1 the skills I use at work.
It sound like you take an interest in programing! But a lot of how people go about trying to learn it is not helpful (I know from experience). I've learned so much more programing since I started "making myself problems and then wanting to make them go away programmatically." I could never just jump in and learn from codecademy.
Instead "I have a problem I want to make go away, how can I make the computer do it?" G-suite is great place to start because the "script" environment is prebuilt in Google sheets and absolutely free, you probably moused over it and never realized it was there! If you run customer service scripts for work on yourself then you got a foundation!
Once you make a tiny problem go away there (my favorite starter is "write and send email from Google sheets") then you start to see other problems you can tackle programmically, that world starts to open up for you. Now I use the command line, powershell, JavaScript, Json, and more. But for me, that's how I started. Good ol citizen programer.
It's a fictional series, but it's based on (and advised by) a real person, Paul Ekman. I found his book Emotions Revealed really interesting, and you and OP might too.
First, enjoy the time you have left with your beloved dog. Make an effort to do their favorite things, like going to the dog park or giving them treats/people food they normally arent allowed to have. If they love walks byt can no longer go on them see if you can barrow a stroller or wagon so they can go on a walk to see and smell all the things. Let them cuddle as much as you can handle.
It took me a year to even look at another dog after my 16 year old dog passed away. Time helps. I have a shoebox full of Patch's things such as his collar and his favorite toys. My mother in law on the other hand couldn't bear to see anything her dog loved after he passed and got rid of it all. I like the shoebox with a few items because you can tuck it away at the beginning when the grief is most intense and them come back to it. We have gotten this memorial stone for our cat that passed away. For the cat we took him to the vet to put him to sleep because he was in so much pain and so scared. The cremation/burial company they use had options to get nose or paw prints stamped from your pet. We have those for the cat. See if your vet office has something similar.
Make a collection of pictures of your dog. Sometimes it might hurt too much to look at them. Other times you van look and enjoy the memories they bring forward. It's nice having them all in one place so they are easy to find when I want to remember my dog.
Time definitely heals- there is no way around the pain of losing such wonderful friends. I read this book when I lost my 23 year old cat and recommend it to clients suffering from any type of grief.
If anyone is interested, Autism in Heels: The Untold Story of a Female Life on the Spectrum is on sale in e-book form for $.99 on Amazon today.
https://www.amazon.com/Autism-Heels-Untold-Female-Spectrum-ebook/dp/B073X64DSV/
Hey all, my book is now launched and it's FREE now through Wed 11/23 - here's the link to buy it for $0 https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BMWR2DQG
After you read it, please consider leaving a review. Thank you!
I got a lamp off Amazon - here’s a link. I don’t use it consistently but I liked it when I was waking up very early in winter. It was a hurdle to do lots of research to find one so I know how you feel!
I also have a sunrise alarm clock from Phillips. It doesn’t really work for me as an alarm clock because the sounds aren’t for me and i just roll away from the light when it wakes me up. But it’s a nice piece of equipment, and I think you could use that as a wake up light for 10+ mins each morning if you could sit comfortably in front of it.
I agree with both comments below. Giving yourself room to be messy/confused however you need to be is super important. As a therapist, I work with people with CPTSD- I almost always recommend people check out this book (read it at a very slow pace, like bits at a time) it will help you build an understanding of CPTSD and the language around it, how to identify symptoms and label them, and how to work on feeling better. The book is not a cure-all but it is definitely an essential resource IMO and helps build the basis for getting better. Wish you luck!
and a star projector astronaut https://www.amazon.com/Projector-Control-360°Adjustable-Astronaut-Children/dp/B09CKZPJFV/ref=mp_s_a_1_2_sspa?crid=3DGZU3VJKFCVE&keywords=star+projector+astronaut&qid=1668586926&sprefix=star+projector%2Caps%2C569&sr=8-2-spons&sp...
I love these, you have different kinds and cheaper ones.
If you can get a copy of this, I have enjoyed it too:
I Overcame My Autism and all I got was this Lousy Anxiety Disorder: https://www.amazon.ca/Overcame-Autism-Lousy-Anxiety-Disorder/dp/1771622466
I found it really relatable as a Canadian.
harem pants, wide leg pants that gives the illusion of skirt, thai pants, maxi dresses. I personnally like a-line skirt with an elastic band with a fairly loose shirt tucked in.
I sweat easy too and I find that polyester ain't too bad if it's roomy. I found a comfy pleated a-line skirt with an elastic band that's surprisingly bearable, the shape holds well and doesn't need to be ironed that much (maybe just spritz with water and thrown in the dryer 5 mins). Also they have pockets.
I don't shave my body hair anymore because of this, and because of just generally not giving a fuck -- to me, anyone who judges me for what I do with my own body hair isn't worth me being uncomfortable for. So just know thatil it's okay if you do decide to stop removing the hair!
If you decide to continue or need to get past the stubble phae, there are a few things I used to do when I was younger and still worried about body hair removal for myself:
-- exfoliate well before shaving; I use an exfoliator mitt like this one after soaking in a hot bath for 15-20 minutes
-- use natural deodorants on underarms instead of the typical chemically ones
-- pat shaven skin dry afterward rather than rubbing with a towel, and then leave the area uncovered or wear loose fabrics (not leggings or jeans) as much as you can
-- get some of those oatmeal bath packets from the drugstore to have on hand if things get super itchy
-- legs: moisturize the area well with unscented lotions or oils; I tended to go as stripped down as I could and use vitamin E oil and jojoba oil. Oil takes a little longer to absorb than some lotions, but I found it less potentially irritating than even the unscented lotions for sensitive skin
-- for pubic hair, using powder along the leg creases between vulva and thigh can help prevent chafing and irritation compounded by moisture; it can also help to go without underwear when you're just around home and can wear loose clothes. (Also def important to ditch the undies at night to let the area breathe)
--loose clothing is really important, I find -- especially when the stubble is growing out, to me it wasn't the hair itself but the way it rubbed against fabrics and irritated the skin
Seconding these - my ankles get extremely irritated with most socks because of the compression & friction, but I can wear these for about 7 hours before I even notice them.
​
Also, if it's just your toes that get cold, try no-show socks. I like them for wearing under sneakers as well as some dress shoes. They keep my toes warm but are basically otherwise unnoticeable, and this particular brand stays in place well for me (I wash them in the machine & air-dry on a rack). https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01N101EJC/
I’d like to also add that the Apple and Android versions of the app called ActiVote are really good for getting information on elected officials, upcoming candidates, how they vote/what they voted in regards to specific bills. You can also fill out polls which will then tell you where every single candidate in your state voted on a particular issue.
I wouldn’t focus on the ears but I recently discovered acupressure rings which have been a game changer! … they give that little bit of pain without actually hurting yourself, they’re so great! https://www.amazon.co.uk/Sensory-Acupressure-Reducer-Massager-Multicolor/dp/B07LGX2D11/ref=asc_df_B07LGX2D11/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=375515724473&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=581142058382571743&hvpone=&hvptwo=&...
As someone has mentioned above spiral hair elastics are pretty good.
I’ve played with my hair as a stim all my life (also curly) and the feeling of spiral elastics gives me almost the same sensation. These also work a treat:
Noice canceling headphones could work.
I have a cordless pair that work pretty well at keeping sounds out and they come in black or pink so they’re pretty neutral looking.
Bose quiet comfort I think they’re called.
Could be worth a try even if she doesn’t play music out of them. They can even fold up and have a carry case you can put in a bag or backpack.
https://www.amazon.com/Bose-QuietComfort-45-Bluetooth-Canceling-Headphones/dp/B098FKXT8L
Coucou.
This is the holy grail of therapy
I abhor CBT. I think we'll grow out of it as a society and look back like wow can't believe we thought that could ever work
DBT heavily focuses on regulating your nervous system. As a bonus, it does not encourage you to relive traumatic events from your past. (You won't ever walk out of a bunch of breathing exercises disregulated and sobbing)
Bon courage
I've been having issues with my hubby too. I'd love to hear more feedback from other women.
I read this book, and my husband has yet to read it. It's a little goofy, but I think the points it makes are pretty helpful.
I completed CBT-based courses like four or five times before diagnosis and haaaaated them every time haha. I was always told that I just wasn’t trying hard enough to make it work, which hurt because I was trying so hard /to/ make it work! When I was diagnosed, the psychiatrist said that CBT often doesn’t work on autistic brains. I wish I remember the reasons she listed, but I was too busy feeling better about myself for not being a failure haha. I don’t remember her saying it was harmful, but I also found that info when I searched online afterwards.
She recommended DBT instead works better for me. I had previously gone through that course twice, but I have trouble keeping up with the skills when I wasn’t in full-time practice mode. In fact, I JUST bought this book to help me! I haven’t even had a chance to look at it yet as it only just arrived haha, so hopefully it’s effective in filling in those blanks!
In case this helps anyone, here’s a link to a book of neurodivergent friendly DBT skills that’s written by a neurodivergent person (Sonny Jane Wise aka livedexperienceeducator) - https://www.amazon.co.uk/Neurodivergent-Friendly-Workbook-DBT-Skills/dp/B09S9JBS8G. It’s called ‘The Neurodivergent Friendly Workbook of DBT Skills’.
They’re a different colour but these look similar - https://www.amazon.com/Silicone-Dish-Sponge-Scrubber-Pack/dp/B077TDTGR5/ref=mp_s_a_1_59?crid=135MRBKXR9RUA&keywords=silicone+scrubber&pscroll=1&qid=1665604891&qu=eyJxc2MiOiI1Ljc3IiwicXNhIjoiNS42MCIsInFzcCI6IjUuNDkifQ%3D%3D&spre...
Maybe something like this would work - https://www.amazon.co.uk/Busy-Meal-Planner-Tear-Off-Shopping/dp/B08TC9CFX3?ref_=ast_sto_dp&th=1&psc=1? You could get some self adhesive magnets to put on the back so it sticks to the fridge.
I bought this shirt a few months ago. I'm a fan of celebrating...
I'm a size Medium but like my shirts to land mid thigh so I bought a 3X and it hangs just right. I believe the owner of the store is on the spectrum.
So here is my story in a nutshell. Few years back found a therapist I clicked with. Due to an eating disorder we tried CBTE, this lead to discovering I had a trauma past, so we tried CPT. I struggled so much with CPT that we decided to try DBT. I was doing alright in it, then I was diagnosed with ASD over the summer. I'm 34. Now we've been using the ND DBT work book and my therapist has said it's been the best progress so far. It's really about being mindful, how to deal with distress, with the added exploration into sensory needs. It is missing the social aspect of DBT, but other than that it seems to be a solid work book. My provider isn't trained with DBT or autism, but because we click so well and she is so willing to learn and help I have chosen to stay with her. Anyways, ND DBT workbook
Ok so I found these with decent reviews on amazon:
You basically just stick them to the back if a plastic id badge holder and that's it. It shouldn't create enough pull to damage anything but the thinest, most delicate of chiffons and silks. Basically anything you'd wear to an office should be fine.
If it works and you eventually want to upgrade to something nicer looking, that's a pack of 7, so you can get a nice fancy leather ID holder and stick it to the back of that.
Also, as a tip for clip on stuff, you can glue on squares of craft felt that are slightly wider than the clip tips. It should still have enough gripping power for light stuff like an ID, while preventing any clothes damage.
Since you like arts and crafts, why not try hand weaving on a small loom? Small looms (like the example I linked below) are inexpensive and easy to handle as you learn -- you can make coasters on them as small sample sized projects using just cotton yarn and crochet thread. I find the repetitive motion of hand weaving very soothing.
If you decide you like it, there are a lot of ways to go -- bigger and different looms, etc. You can use different yarns, do different patterns, etc.
https://www.amazon.com/Wool-Queen-Weaving-7-9x11-8-Beginners/dp/B08HQ1HVGF
This book has been helpful and it was written by someone neurodiverse
The Neurodivergent Friendly Workbook of DBT Skills link
I recommend the book "I think I Might Be Autistic" as it gives a lot of examples for each of the criteria and helped me start to figure out what counts under what. Playing with your hair is definitely a form of stimming and counts under repetitive behavior.
I would suggest getting a hand-held shower and not washing hair every day. We installed one like this
https://www.amazon.com/HOMELODY-Pressure-Handheld-6-Functions-Detachable/dp/B077TS6TN7?th=1
It has a pause button, six different features. We also installed a arm at kid-sholder level so we didn't have to wash her hair every day. I don't use it but a shower chair helps my hyper-verbal daughter focus on getting done what needs to get done.
It's a cross between a sponge bath and a regular shower.
I highly recommend finding no-wash ways to do hair. Realistically, most people can go 3-5 days without washing hair if you use the right products. This can alleviate a lot of stress.
PS. there's a subreddit! called r/livingaparttogether and I found a couple of books too: "Living Apart Together: - A New Possibility for Loving Couples eBook : Breault, Linda, Gillespie, Dianne: Amazon.co.uk: Kindle Store" https://www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Apart-Together-Possibility-Couples-ebook/dp/B00H9PA3BA
"Living Apart Together: A Unique Path to Marital Happiness, or The Joy of Sharing Lives Without Sharing an Address: Amazon.co.uk: Watson, Anne L.: 9781620355091: Books" https://www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Apart-Together-Marital-Happiness/dp/1620355094
Not that I know of. There is a stainless steel version, but it’s only advertised for cold drinks. It’s dishwasher safe, so that means it can tolerate hot temperatures. https://www.amazon.com/Contigo-AUTOSPOUT-Ashland-Stainless-Sangria/dp/B01BD0R3VY
I think the reason they don’t advertise it for hot liquids is because you can easily burn your mouth if you put hot liquids in it. And, if you put boiling water in it, pressure will build up in the bottle and it will rush out of the straw (a family member of mine ended up in the hospital for burns exactly like this).
I like mixing the Orgain vanilla superfood protein powder here with Juce super fruit and veggie blend here together either in a smoothie or with ice cubes and water and then blended together. I do two scoops of each and I don't find it to be too gritty and I really like how it tastes. The fruit and veggie powder adds a berry flavor so it's more just like a smoothie taste. I get them both from Costco but I think they can be found in other places online like Amazon. (never added links before so I hope they work :] )
Hi! I also hate when my clothes get wet when it’s in intentional (I love swimming or if I’m home and have no where to be going out in the pouring rain bc I can get in dry clothes when I’m done)
Dish washing: 1) have you tried dish washing gloves? They go high up the arm almost to the elbow (link below)
2) have you tried a plastic apron? They use them for the dishwashers / busboys in professional kitchens. This one is about $14.00 USD from Amazon Plastic Apron
Face washing:
1) maybe wash your face in the shower? I know that is not ideal for everyone so my next suggestion
2) since you don’t like water on your arms when washing your face try using a separate set of dish washing gloves.
I personally have 2 pairs in different colors. One pair is for washing the dishes and the other pair is for cleaning the bathroom. So perhaps you would have 3 pairs? First pair for cleaning dishes. Second pair for cleaning the bathrooms. And the third pair for washing your face.
Here is a set of 3 gloves in different colors washing gloves
I haven’t tried this because water on my arms doesn’t bother me too much but I hope this helps!
Did you know that you can replace the ear pads on the headphones? I bought these replacement pads from amazon. They are not the bose brand because i tried the bose replacements which are more expensive and they were exactly the same.
But yea i just thought i would let you know because for the first 4 years i had my headphones, i had absolutely no idea that i could replace the ear pads. And since i wear them so much, i was extremely concerned about having to buy new expensive headphones because the padding was worn out.
Im actually on my second replacement pads. They last about two years for me of nearly using everyday, all day long. I wish they lasted longer but i think its reasonable considering just how much i use them and i think body/face oils will overtime degrade the fabric/faux leather on the pads. Everytime i have to get the replacements, i put it off so much for some reason. And i just out up with the faux leather shedding everywhere and the seam opens and exposes the foam inside..! But then i replace them and its wild how it makes the headphones look like new again
These are the hooks that I got when I first started learning and they were really good: https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B00Y7QWHUO/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Also, if the yarn is too slippery or snagging against the hook it can be difficult to have consistent tension, so that could also be an issue.
That's really interesting, I wonder if it's that people who prefer deep pressure when touched are more likely to use a lot of force when doing things..? I'm usually extremely gentle because I'm aware that when massaging my arms and stuff I use a lot of pressure so when I hug people, etc. I'm usually too gentle because I don't want to risk hurting them. So I wonder if that could carry over to other things as well?
I really like the isntree HA 50++ spf
It's super light weight and I don't think it's any less effective than the heavier/greasy ones I sometimes use. It's also vegan and cruelty free.
I'd use that on face, neck and clavicle. Then use a sunscreen spray on the rest of the body, like this nivea one but for the most part I try to cover up on arms/shoulders legs as it's far more effective protection than anything else.
I had a huge problem taking in enough liquid, water in particular. I bought one of these ... I fill it and since it's see-through, I can see what I haven't drank yet. If it's opaque, I just ignore it but having the visual made all the difference to me:
Maybe try a water bottle with time markers on it, like this.
You belong here just as much as anyone, of course!! A trans girl has just as much a "female" brain as a cis girl. :3 Hell, tbh I'm pretty sure there are cis men in this group who just feel comfy here lol.
Also, somewhat related fact: did you know that autistics are statistically more likely to be out with differences in gender/sexual identity? As an autistic lesbian I've always thought that was neat. I recommend this book!
https://www.amazon.ca/Gender-Identity-Sexuality-Autism-Spectrum-ebook/dp/B07GNX9DQK
Sorry, I just like meeting other autistics under the queer umbrella. It always makes me so happy!
I really like this brand. I've found some locally and some online. I have them in a couple of different colors.
As someone with a large volume of fine hair, these have been a game changer for me.
Kitsch Spiral Hair Ties, Coil... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07BYRG1G5
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B079KPQZGM?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
I use these or (and this sounds weird but it works great) I get pairs of old pantyhose and cut them into calamari strips and they work really well.
Look into no tie shoelaces! Example - https://www.amazon.com/Elastic-Laces-Adults-Sneakers-Shoelaces/dp/B08XM9XC2T/ref=sr_1_5?crid=3BVQ9VSRLRHO0&keywords=shoelaces+no+tie&qid=1660611746&sprefix=shoelack%2Caps%2C117&sr=8-5
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that's just the first I found, no recommending specifically these, but I have ones that look just like it and I love them! Just don't make them too tight in the beginning, you can always make things shorter, but not longer
Personal hygiene is the worst. I’m in my 30s and I’m just getting a handle on it. But like, barely.
If you don’t mine breaking or tearing your hair a tool like this might help you get the knots out. You’ll wanna use it when your hair is saturated with water and conditioner.
She has an interesting book on women and autism, and also a lot of good talks on that topic if you search for her on YouTube:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00WFF7MRW/ref=dbs_a_def_awm_bibl_vppi_i0
I put a string of outdoor rated, dimmable fairy globe lights where walls meet ceiling in my bathroom and love them.
Mirrors opposite each other make rooms feel larger if you can hang things.
For cleaning, if you do it yourself, you can make your own solution with water, white vinegar, and dawn (I do approx a shot glass of dawn, 3/4 cup vinegar, and 1 to 1.5 cups water). Leave room in the spray bottle because it will bubble when you shake it up. Spray on, wait ten minutes, wipe down. It does smell like vinegar when you are cleaning but after about ten more minutes, it leaves no scent behind and cuts through gunk really well. Never use this with bleach or ammonia cleaners in the same space!!!
And definitely figure out a way to get air flow even if it's just sitting a pedestal fan outside the door. Maybe you could get a fan like this to put in or near the doorway? https://www.amazon.com/Genesis-Designs-A1WINDOWFAN-Avalon-Window/dp/B01CK64AQG/
I'm a 38C-40C and I use front-closing sports bras by Fruit of the Loom most days: https://www.amazon.com/Fruit-Loom-Womens-Closure-Cotton/dp/B08MJVWH16
They don't provide a ton of support but are very light weight and keep my boobs from bouncing around while being comfortable enough to sleep in some days and easy to put on in the morning.
I'm Autistic and ADHD and have GAD, and I use Asana (https://asana.com/) to help me organize my work and life tasks. They have an online version and an app that is easy to use, and the free plan has everything you need. For me, having a clear to-do list helps a lot with the panic and anxiety, and being able to look at how much I want to do today vs what is realistic for me to get done in a day has helped me reset my expectations.
I'm sorry you struggle with this, but I totally understand! Good luck!
Sure would be nice if parents kept body issues to themselves. I hate bras; when necessary I wear Hanes comfort flex sports bras 1-2 sizes too big. My sensory issue is the squeezy feeling so I shop for wireless bras in sizes like XL instead of 40C or whatev
This one has foam under the nose wire and stays in place pretty well so it doesn’t pinch my nose shut: 3M Aura Particulate Respirator... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B095FJ36H2?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
This one is less snug but doesn’t have the soft foam under the nose wire: Kimberly-Clark PROFESSIONAL N95... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08NVDFB3R?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
I wore one for Burning Man in 2015 and hever never looked back. Here's the one I wear.
Maybe searching for 'Medication watch reminder' will help.
I have kind-of this one.
And I looove it 😁💯
Sometimes, in desperation, I have showered in a t-shirt, so that I can wash my hair without that horrible yuck-o feeling. It's not great but it worked ok in a pinch.
Otherwise, I save allllllll my money for a keratin treatment, which is a bazillion dollars but which makes my hair much less squicky on my back and which also enables me to clean/dry it in half the time. I don't know if this would ever be an option for you but I would really recommend trying it if at all possible.
Another thing I do is to take a bath instead of a shower and to use a hair dye applicator bottle to wash my hair, which at least makes me feel more in control of the misery:
https://www.amazon.ca/Bottle-Colors-Lightweight-Shampoo-Applicator/dp/B07VYZ6FJJ
I really like the Conair Ionic line (like this one: https://www.amazon.com/Conair-Ionic-Ceramic-Dryer-Black/dp/B00132ZG3U?pldnSite=1), but if you're willing to splurge a lot the Dyson has really nice airflow and temp settings, and it's pretty quiet.
I went years without wearing one but some things I wear are very thin and clingy so I got these: https://www.amazon.com/Cabales-Seamless-Wireless-Removable-XXX-Large/dp/B0776QTYT3/ref=sr_1_8?keywords=randolph%2B5%2Bpack%2Bwomen%27s%2Bseamless%2Bbandeau%2Bcrop%2Btube%2Btop%2Bbra&qid=1657140081&smid=ABNRB3C0WZDN0&sr=8-8&th=1&...
It's not as comfortable as not wearing one but not as bad as a regular bra and the small pads make it impossible to see your nipples.
Please please please find a copy of the book and read. The Aspie Girl's Guide to Being Safe With Men by Debi Brown.
There's a few other similar books out there, but this one is invaluable. It sets out so much of what's important to look out for.
Just a heads up cortisol levels are tough to test because unlike most things blood tests are for cortisol changes constantly throughout the day. Personally I've had so much more success being my own guinea pig and doing trial and error to figure out what helps me. Doctors have been less helpful, pretty sure they've never told me anything useful. If you're interested this is what I've been taking and it started helping quick so you can probably find out within a couple of weeks if it's helping.
Uh oh, headphones are my special interest. Here I come.
I have tried both the Sony's and also the Bose QuietComfort's 35 ii.
I much prefer the Bose and these are my daily wear. They are far FAR more comfortable, but they also have better noise cancelling in my opinion. Better than the AirPod Pros.
One thing to note though, the AirPods pros may be sounding better to you because they create an airtight seal in your ear (very important for the noise cancelling). If your Sony's aren't getting a tight fit around your ears, may be caused by long hair or irregular fit which can cause issues.
The Bose aren't quite as bassy as the Sony's by the way, so if music is important to you one thing to remember.
I have sensory issues with hot/sticky/greasy skin, which the ear cups cause me (both Sony and Bose), so just if you happen to not like that too I would recommend fabric ear cups. I have these and they're great and I don't think made any difference to the noise cancelling: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B088LXCJCX/ref=ppx\_yo\_dt\_b\_asin\_title\_o00\_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
I also have the Bose QC earbuds which aren't as good noise cancelling but are much more convenient. They also have a setting to choose how much noise you let through, which is a godsend for reducing the volume but still being able to hear people if they're talking to you. I think the Bose QC 45 also have this but don't quote me on that.
If all else fails, playing some white noise is enough to drown out talking without being distracting by itself. Doesn't need to be very loud at all.
If I am anxious I get tense, especially in my neck, shoulders, hands and feet. The neck and shoulder tension seems more like a fear response (see Moro reflex), while the hands and feet feel like a flight response (my body is trying to get ready to run).
In extreme overwhelm I get dissociative symptoms (which might be alternately viewed as shutdown). In the early stages of this I feel brain fog, less present in my face/head, and tired. More significant dissociative symptoms for me include an intense need to sleep, my limbs feeling heavy, the world feeling far away (like through binoculars) and sometimes feeling less connected to my limbs. In early stages, the following can be helpful: walking, washing my face with cold water, brushing my hair, and balancing on one bent leg with the other outstretched. Balancing like this provides a lot of proprioceptive input I think, which is grounding for me. I have a different set of strategies for more significant dissociation. I also find feeling texture on my feet helpful. If I had a desk with a private area by my feet I might get some kind of textured foot massager (maybe like this: https://www.amazon.com/Denformy-Plantar-Fasciitis-Support-Soreness/dp/B08VHQZ2GT/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=Denformy&qid=1655344375&sr=8-2) and slip my feet out of my shoes and rub them back and forth on it when I need to ground myself.
Look for lotions made with glycerin instead of oils and apply right out of the shower, if you can. Oils leave that greasy feeling, glycerin makes you feel supple lol. I just got this one last week and it’s lovely!!! It soaks in super quick. For my face I like the Versed Dew Point or The Ordinary Natural Moisturizing Factors + HA, they’re both pretty light - Versed’s more so.