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You are not alone!! My husband is BP2 and that totally happens to him. In his case, he takes a mood stabilizer called Lamictal, and it helps a lot. If you are looking for a good fast read on self-care for BP people, this book helped me a lot to understand what my spouse needed (it helped me too): Rock Steady: Brilliant Advice From My Bipolar Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/1683961013/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apip_IxTH4NWkrCEnR
Here is also a WebMD link https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/borderline-personality-disorder-bipolar-disorder#1
BP is more of a cycle of mood changes between depression, hypo/mania, and normal states whereas BPD is moreso a moment to momet cycle of emotional response and mood changes based on changes each moment to moment. Also, though not 100%... BP tends to have sleep pattern disruption as a significant component whereas BPD does not. Additionally, self-harm is more prevalent in BPD than BP.
BP is a chemical imbalance in the brain that shows up on an MRI and is treatable. BPD currently does not have a brain chemistry associated, is more associate with a trauma cause, and does not have confirmed treatments.
That said, BPD is not well understood by the experts and that is subject to change. It's still true that no medications are officially declared for BP and DBT is a promising (but still not official declaration) treatment. Also, I've read a recent report that is beginning to suggest a link between brain images and BPD.
“Bipolar Not So Much” by Drs Chris Aiken and James Phelps. This book gave me validation for and understanding of my Bipolar. It explained the diagnosis medically, but in a way that was easy to follow and apply. I bought copies of this book for my family members and close friends because it explained living with bipolar better than I ever could. It also recommends the best meds with up to date research, lifestyle changes, dietary adjustments and other ways to better manage life with Bipolar. My favorite part is the first chapter how they explain bipolar as a “spectrum disorder” - as in no two people with BP are similar, it presents in millions of different ways and is also managed uniquely to each individual.
https://www.amazon.com/Bipolar-Not-Much-Understanding-Depression/dp/0393711749/ref=nodl_
Im with you...exactly with you. The self doubt left behind by their seemingly IDGAF attitude after that idolization phase is something no one can understand unless they've lived it. Im still trying to pick myself back up off the floor.
Any interaction with my SO, he just brings up more of what was wrong with the relationship, even towards the beginning... Im like what? We were insanely happy in the beginning like you describe, almost euphoric, so now he is saying there were always problems. None of it makes sense and never will. Im taking all the advice I can off of here, step one I got a self help book and just a half a chapter in I can see I picked the right one. " Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You , google the reviews on amazon. Sounds like a great one. Somewhere along the way I bottled my self worth in him. Im going to do everything I can to make sure that never happens again. Everything you are saying i exactly what im living and trying to fix.
[https://www.amazon.com/Touched-Fire-Manic-Depressive-Artistic-Temperament/dp/068483183X](Touched by Fire) by Kay Redfield Jamison is a great read by an established clinical psychologist who has bipolar disorder, you’ll find it recommended quite a bit online.
In terms of what has helped me personally I enjoyed listening to this on Audible (for free at the moment). It focuses on historical figures who have lived productive lives despite manic tendencies.
Additionally I enjoy reading ‘mental model’ information and find that it’s helped me quite a bit. One I really enjoy is OODA Loop, a concept developed by John Boyd. While not relating to mental health at all it’s a concept based around making informed decisions through an analytical process developed for fighter pilots and adopted by big business and self help authors alike.
This book When Someone You Love is BiPolar was helpful for me. It guides you through diagnosis, getting treatment, coming home and setting up your life moving forward.
A few things to ponder:-
You can put some distance with your SO but that doesn't mean you abandon him. Say, if you're on a short 2 weeks vacation, are you leaving him? What if it is a 2 weeks retreat? Or you're visiting your parents for 2 weeks?
Feelings come and go, feeling failure doesn't mean you don't wake up tomorrow and try alternative ways. Failure is when you stop trying.
If you are not happy on your own, how are you going to be happy with others? Who are you when your happiness or success is dependent on one sole purpose or action or achievements?
When all else fails, try changing your perspective with Mark Manson's book. Quote: " "In life, our f&cks must be spent on something. There really is no such thing as not giving a f&ck. The question is simply how we each choose to allot our f&cks. You only get a limited number of f&cks to give over your lifetime, so you must spend them with care." Top seller in Amazon, #1 in a few categories too. Worth a try!
https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Someone-Bipolar-Disorder-Understanding/dp/1608822192/ref=nodl_
Great book. The author has BD as does her SO (or exSO; I don’t remember).
Good luck with everything!
This is great! Have you read Loving Someone With BiPolar Disorder ? This looks like the coping tools mentioned in the book. I think it is great you have identified the warning signs of a mood shift, and have agreed upon action items you can each take once you recognize what is going on. In DBT they call this “cope ahead” skills. Great work!
I would suggest this book as a good starting point. It helped me quite a lot to understand this ilness and to realize that we still can have a "normal" life and relationship
edit: fixed typos
I am in a similar boat, similar age, decision not made, but I have kids. I've talked to a few divorce lawyers to find one I liked over a few months about a year ago, but things got a little better, only for her to reveal she's been lonely for years in our marriage counseling last week.
There are a couple books on this topic that I have found can be helpful. One is called Splitting, but it has to do with borderline personality disorder.
Amazon link I know bipolar isn't the same, but it got me familiar with what to expect and what might happen.
Amazon link This is a general relationship book, which I found useful, since I wasn't aware that our relationship wasn't normal.
Beyond those, I would recommend a personal counselor for you to help you sort out your head, and talk things through. I would also recommend to find a divorce lawyer you like, who will work with you, and is within your budget.
Personally, I think if he is taking this job out of state, and you are certain he knows you're not moving with him, then he's kinda made his choice, I'd say.
Best of luck to you
I’m so sorry. Some people aren’t able to face the reality of a child with mental illness. Unfortunately, if they have healthcare POA then there isn’t much you can do outside of fighting it legally to petition and have it turned over to you. (Which is totally an option btw). The good thing here is she has a medical diagnosis. And just because she has a POA in place doesn’t make her legally incompetent - so they cannot legally withhold her medical information from her.
You’ve been through a lot. And arguably they have been through quite a bit emotionally as well. The best outcome is that everyone has a clear understanding of her illness and works together to help her recover from the episode and get back to stability. Do what you can to encourage that. There are some great books that may be helpful (I’ll list at the end). However, some people are not willing/able to accept or face the reality of a loved one with serious mental illness. In which case you will have to decide how far you are willing to go to fight for her. This also includes the reality that the legal system hasn’t quite gotten it right when it comes to competency, patient rights, and healthcare. Needless to say, you do have legal options if you choose to go that route.
I pray you are still able to find peace and healing as you try to help facilitate your fiancés healing as well. There is a lot dig through, understand, and accept about what’s happened. Know that this is a place of support and you can come when you need to share, anytime.
Be well💛
Bipolar Disorder: A Guide for Patients and Families (A Johns Hopkins Press Health Book) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1421412063/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apip_TXQaL975dpx7Q
Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder: Understanding and Helping Your Partner (The New Harbinger Loving Someone Series) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1608822192/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apip_ADHeqeF5QFNlw
consider the book: loving someone with bipolar.
I am so glad this helped you. The only reason I comment and post is, hopefully, to try and help people in pain due to their partner's disorder.
We have been to Hell and back with bipolar. But thankfully my beautiful wife takes her disorder very seriously and takes her treatment the same way. And after 5 years of one medication after another? She has finally on a medication combo that is working better than anything else has. Very effective and the side effects have really been minimal. FWIW she is on lithium and Vraylar now.
And I am very glad he is medicated now. Is he in therapy? My wife is doing DBT therapy and it has helped tremendously.
So be well. He is on the right path now. but it is not a smooth ride. And if you have not read this - you need to now.
>Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder: Understanding and Helping Your Partner. By Julie A. Fast, John D. Preton.
This is a must read as far as I am concerned.
Take care and reach out anytime. We are usually on every day at some point. And my wife is happy to pitch in and try to help anyone who needs it.
OP, look into DBT for yourself and her when she's ready. It has helped us tremendously with our kids we have three daughters with all different type of mental disorders to include BP2 in the mix. Learning DBT skills has helped navigate dialog; life skills, and control our emotions during their cycling up/down. Know that environmental factors are going to be key for her to maintain a baseline - environmentals are a rest plan; food (some meds will require certain amount of cals to work), meds to be taken at set times with food everyday, and life skills (DBT) & therapy consistently. One the whole environmental (that's what we call the therapy prescription above) is in motion and a baseline established then she will have to track her emotional state to learn to recognize when she's cycling again. Be aware as was mentioned before about the mourning and acceptance of a new "life sentence" that's how they feel about it and not wanting to take their meds while being in denial or when they establish their baseline and everything is going great not wanting to take their meds cause "they don't need them anymore" it's always hard to remind them this is their new way of life and like a marriage they must learn to embrace it and love it for what this disorder offers them or hate it and live in an abusive relationship that will destroy/hurt all those around them and them too. Best of luck, and make sure you get some help too and have a strong network support in place.
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This book here really helped me understand more and helped me feel seen!
Have you read any books on understanding Bipolar? A really good one is this one. It’s not specifically about bipolar but it lays out the LEAP method which I have found to be very valuable. https://smile.amazon.com/Sick-Dont-Someone-Accept-Treatment/dp/0985206705/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?crid=1MEVKHMFX9AQ0&dchild=1&keywords=i+am+not+sick+i+dont+need+help+book&qid=1635807878&sprefix=i+am+not+sick&sr=8-3
I went through something similar with my now fiancé. I was diagnosed 2 years into our relationship after things begin to fall apart. He fell in love with my manic side but was not prepared for the depression that would last for weeks at a time. After I was diagnosed and begin therapy, my therapist recommended we read a book together to help us through the journey of balancing a relationship affected by my mental health needs. It worked WONDERS for us both. The book is called When Someone You Love is Bipolar (https://www.amazon.com/dp/1593856083/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_imm_524AC2AVAZJBE9JX713B?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1). It was written by a psychologist who was diagnosed bipolar later in her career and supplemented with her own experiences with her husband and their marriage.
My partner and I have been together for nearly 7 years now and we’re still navigating the ebb and flow of bipolar disorder. Medications still need to be adjusted, regular therapy is still necessary (he sees his own therapist as well and belongs to a support group here on Reddit for significant others of bipolar partners).
I really hope you’ll consider reading this book with your ex if you plan to try to work things out together. Best of luck to you both!
The only one I know of is “Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist”
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/1442238321/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_Q1GNY79ZEPDFYD5G104X
I liked it bc it really focuses on helping ppl with healthy boundaries.
He mainly relies on Lamictal, and did talk therapy for a little while (CBT). He also uses marijuana, which the psychiatrist has cautioned him about, but on the other hand it seems to help him. Things are far from perfect, for a while I was worried that he relied too heavily on the weed, but he seems to be slowly reducing it now. Long walks, swimming and creative endeavors (composing EDM, doing standup comedy) also seem to help him. Also he does a lot of self-improvement reading and viewing (Alan Watts, Jay Sherry), and actively stays in touch with friends (anyone at all close to him knows about the BPD, but it doesn’t define him). It takes a long time, and over three years of treatment he has gotten good at spotting when he is missing a dose of meds, or needs to do some other kind of self-care. The book that helped me most of understand his needs (it also helped me with my own depression). Rock Steady: Brilliant Advice From My Bipolar Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/1683961013/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apip_H5N5jy1oeKdAM
My therapist wrote a book that is very respectful of the needs of both partners, and has education about bipolar and evidence based communication strategies. It is really easy to read, and not too long. I got it for my husband. We’ve both been quite impressed with it.
When Your Partner Has Bipolar Disorder: Helping You and Your Partner Build a Balanced and Healthy Relationship https://www.amazon.com/dp/1646113357/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_CB18D3266RXP83XBGRAW
He has a problem with insight. I suggest you buy that book everyone talks about. Lack of insight will keep him from accepting his condition and all other associated behaviors will not improve until he does.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004Z7SI7Q/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_0RMWFb877K4S0?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
We don't always have the ability to find time to read but I think this would be very worthwhile and it'll help you tremendously in the long run. I've read some myself and so far I haven't had any major setbacks with my SO. I know, it's anecdotal experience but I'm a firm believer of this book. I suggest you get the digital version.
Check out this book:
I Am Not Sick, I Don't Need Help! How to Help Someone with Mental Illness Accept Treatment. 10th Anniversary Edition. https://www.amazon.com/dp/0967718937/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_qfqNFbD0VBVAW
The "choose" that he is referring to is an option for neurotypicals, but not for those with BP. It's common for those unfamiliar with BP (or mood disorders in general) to believe in the "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" ideology. They also can tend to lean toward medication being a "crutch" or an easy way out. Again, for neurotypicals, they may have that luxury of option.
I had the experience of raising a child with BP1 before I met my partner with BP1. Even then, I still didn't fully understand, and needed to learn more. YouTube helped, and the book, "loving someone with bipolar" https://www.amazon.com/dp/1608822192/ helped me too.
Him asking you to choose to be happy is like asking someone who is cold when it's hot out to "be warm." To him, you should be able to "put on warm clothes" and warm up, but your body won't respond predictably to the metaphorical equivalent of warm clothes,at least, not until some time passes. Until then, the best you can hope for is a supportive environment conducive to your recovery.
Unfortunately I think you are going to have to treat him like a child. Maybe get a time lock safe to keep the pills in since he clearly has no self control when it comes to this. If addiction were easy we wouldn’t have addicts. Some timed pill safes are HSA eligible and his doctor may be able to help get insurance to pay for it. Or your child’s doctor. There are a lot of these kind of time lock things in various price and security configurations. It sucks but he isn’t going to just change on his own.
e-Pill CompuMed - Tamper Resistant Automatic Pill Dispenser – AC Powered https://www.amazon.com/dp/B001LNYFDS/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_GjrwFbVBHSTTR
Well, it is almost impossible to be honest, but give this book a try. Also look up Dr Xavier Amador and LEAP on youtube for a introduction.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Someone-Mental-Illness-Accept-Treatment-ebook/dp/B004Z7SI7Q
A member of this community recommended this book to me. Its a great resource. Its available on audible as well. https://www.amazon.com/dp/1608822192/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_YIRmFbYFN39FF
I have also reading the love dare to make me a better empathetic and loving partner in any regard. And read the 5 love languages for better loving communication.
I just found out my S/O has it too it explains so much. Im hoping it gets better now that she is getting treatment.
My SO was stable when I met him and years into the relationship. No signs of mental imbalance at all. He start to abuse alcohol, became “normally?” moody, then broke into full psychosis for a few weeks, then back to why I can only assume was an angry hypomania. Still holds the delusions and similarly was convinced I cheated on him when there was no reason to think that.
If you’re looking for a way to chat with him about treatment you may want to read:
I Am Not Sick, I Don't Need Help! How to Help Someone with Mental Illness Accept Treatment. 10th Anniversary Edition. https://www.amazon.com/dp/0967718937/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_jeSdFb94HXNCD
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Sending a prayer up for you 💛
It is very, very emotionally exhausting to be in a relationship with someone who has bipolar or a related mood disorder; so do not feel bad about taking a break. The rumination (going over same thoughts over and over) is a common symptom.
You cannot help by yourself, he most likely needs a mood stabilizer and talk therapy (perhaps cognitive behavioral therapy). Please encourage him to get an assessment from a psychiatrist as soon as possible. (If resources are an issue, the county services board where you live may be able to connect you with low- or no-cost mental health treatment.)
The book “Rock Steady” — a fast read in graphic novel format — was also a great help to me in understanding how to help my BPSO, and also help myself with depression. Here’s link to check it out: Rock Steady: Brilliant Advice From My Bipolar Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/1683961013/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apip_YshGLQ3oT4sL7
Make sure you are taking care of yourself - if you don’t you can’t help him or anyone else.
Wow, it certainly is a cause for concern when she is showing anxiety at age 8. Moreover, doc can't properly diagnose a mental condition this young, especially since the brain is still growing (ie: changing). Hopefully with professional help, she may be able to grow out of it.
There is a book about bipolar teens that was recommended to me by the local support group. Not sure if that would help now but good to know what symptoms to look out for when they reach their teenage years.
> is there any chance at someone with bipolar disorder having a good relationship?
Read the book Loving someone with bipolar disorder, it describes a lot of situation you'd encounter with your bipolar SO. No guarantees of having a good relationship but you can only try your best.
Quote: Maintaining a relationship is hard enough without the added challenges of your partner’s bipolar disorder symptoms. Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder offers information and step-by-step advice for helping your partner manage mood swings and impulsive actions, allowing you to finally focus on enjoying your relationship while also taking time for yourself. This book explains the symptoms of your partner’s disorder and offers strategies for preventing them and responding to these symptoms when they do occur.
Short term: Possible within a few years
Long term: Bipolar SO committed infidelity last year. Now she is fixated on the idea of 3-some and having 2 husbands in her life. Hence the separation after 18 years of marriage.
Read the book Loving someone with bipolar disorder, it describes a lot of situation you'd encounter with your bipolar SO. No guarantees of having a good relationship but you can only try your best.
Quote: Maintaining a relationship is hard enough without the added challenges of your partner’s bipolar disorder symptoms. Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder offers information and step-by-step advice for helping your partner manage mood swings and impulsive actions, allowing you to finally focus on enjoying your relationship while also taking time for yourself. This book explains the symptoms of your partner’s disorder and offers strategies for preventing them and responding to these symptoms when they do occur.
My own view: Bipolar illness is not curable only treatable (keeping symptoms at bay), easier to take different paths and lead a stress free life. Dealing with a bipolar brain can be emotionally draining and nobody can be expected to deal with a lifetime of crisis. We are not Mother Theresa.
The book that helps me most was I am not sick, I don't need help! as it explains that our natural instinct in dealing with the illness is the wrong way.
Second book is The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide which dwells deeper into bipolar disorder and how do deal with the everyday struggle to the mind-boggling irrational stuff.
Good luck, I hope both of you find peace and happiness.
Without psychiatrist, it is difficult to arrive at a diagnosis (and sometimes it takes years to reach the correct one too). At times, it may not be good to attach any labels as it shifts the focus away from a solution.
The best advice I've gotten is from this book I am not sick, I don't need help! which describe the LEAP method, in a nutshell:-
- Listen without judgement
- Empathise with him/her
- Accept their views (hardest for me at times)
- Problem solve, if they want so hear suggestions
It was like a lightbulb turning on after reading the book because my natural reaction to the mental illness causes more harm than good to the relationship. The goal is to establish trust and build a connection. Good luck.
Try reading this: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Unquiet-Mind-memoir-moods-madness/dp/0330528076 in the interim. I found it really helped me to get a feel for what my gf goes through. Currently we're pretty OK (not helped by me being out of the country 5 days out of 7) but she's changing meds so we'll see.
I see there's a lot of moving parts in terms of finances and family dynamics, but my suggestion is to put a lot of effort into finding a new living environment. I think it would be in the best interest of your girlfriend's health, your relationship, and your finances. Straining yourself to try to support her family, who turn around and disrespect you, seems like a situation you'd benefit greatly to get out of.
Finances may be the biggest constraint and may also be the reason you are with them to start with, but it would be worth checking out if there were any cheap-ish apartments in your area.
edit: for the relationship aspect, this book is an excellent resource for building the right mindset and communication techniques. http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Someone-Bipolar-Disorder-Understanding/dp/1608822192/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1426560199&sr=8-1&keywords=loving+someone+with+bipolar
Communication in general is one of the most important things; strive for complete transparency in your relationship so that you can always focus on supporting her and limiting strife that you could potentially add. It's complicated, do a lot of research. Post here if you need anyone.
I read this book a couple weeks ago. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B006CUXPEK/
It's aimed more at significant others than parents or the person diagnosed. I think it contains some good strategies for diffusing outbursts and recognizing when symptoms are getting stronger. It also talks about knowing when to quit a relationship. You might find it comforting and reassuring.
Hey there. I found that learning about the disorder, how it affects people and how it's treated, was immensely helpful in understanding what my boyfriend's going through, so it's great that you're taking this step. I liked Break the Bipolar Cycle, because it's a good overview, an easy read, and I like the authors' perspective.
I also highly recommend talking to a counselor about what you're going through. Counseling can help you uncover what's going on in your own mind and clarify your own needs while being a strong partner. Good luck.