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Yes! I get this. Parts and inner child work always felt more performative than helpful. This book Inner Bonding helped me connect to the inner child stuff at least in a direct, genuine way. The author basically explains that we have an inner adult (our thoughts) and an inner child (our feelings/sensations). We use the inner adult to parent the inner child like a good enough parent would. The book gets very clear on the steps to take and explains why pretty thoroughly. Its definitely worth anyone’s time, I highly recommend it. Just feel free to skip the preverbal trauma chapter. That seemed to take a left turn. As with any self help book take what you need leave what you don’t. Hope this helps!
Good for you! I firmly believe that anger is a necessary step in healing. It's a sign that you've learned to care about yourself enough to realize that the way your abusers treated you is not okay, I think it's an inevitable side-effect of learning to care about yourself.
Also, have you ever read Laziness Does Not Exist? If you haven't already heard of it, you might like it a lot. The author has a medium article that basically gives you the gist of the book if there's a long wait to get it from the library or anything.
To add on to Interesting_Cat6184’s comment the book Inner Bonding helped me conceptualize inner child work much better when the visualization exercises didn’t quite resonate with me. Different things for different people, I’m not so imaginative. To oversimplify it your Inner Adult which are your thoughts, parents the Inner child, which are your emotional feelings along with your senses. You’re literally responding to your body with your thoughts exactly the way a good parent would their child. I highly recommend it. It’s been nice starting to build that relationship with myself so far.
I believe it was Your Sexually Addicted Spouse. I think I have the chart saved on my phone. Let me see if I can find it.
Don't have time to discuss in detail, but highly recommend this book. If you look in my comment history there's more detail in some other posts.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Attachment-Disturbances-Adults-Treatment-Comprehensive/dp/0393711528
https://www.amazon.ca/Attachment-Theory-Workbook-Understanding-Relationships/dp/1641523557
This is a decent workbook :)
I'm facing this ATM, having badly injuring my ankle and knee last Sunday night. Can hardly walk, and there's no way I can undress or shower.
I ordered one of this travel bidets on Amazon (cheap, only $10US) and it just arrived. It works for private bits. Going to be filling up a basin of warm, slightly soapy water, and use a washcloth for a sponge bath.
The travel bidet should keep me fresher longer until I can shower properly again.
Would these things work for you?
Oh, perfect sense. Have you ever done any IFS? Like this PDF or this book?
Some parts of you, and I would guess they are the inner-children type parts, are good with continuing to hide, because it works.
Some parts of you, and I would guess this is your higher self type parts, know that you are ready to heal and are pushing hard for that. This part(s) also know what they want you to do, although communicating that to us is difficult at first.
I spent years in this kind of war with myself. And whichever part of me had the helm, had its say. It was chaotic, to say the least. IFS helped me to tune into my highest self and manage all the rest of the parts of my psyche using good people skills. Our shared dream, as set by the self, is inner-peace. My rule is that every part has to treat each other part of me at least as well as I would treat a co-worker.
I can only guess based on my journey, but I think this is a huge sign of growth. Thinking back, I'm not sure a huge uptick in fear isn't just normal before we take a huge healing step. It seems like being afraid just before leaping into a new unknown way of living is a pretty good idea. The whole world will be brand new by the time we finish our journey. Life is broken down into times when we need to rest and times when we need to travel. You just got in some good rest, seems like being a little daunted at the next phase of traveling is reasonable.
I like https://habitica.com/, which is an app or a web page.
I don't like the goal setting part at all. But the daily tasks part, I use for my positive affirmations and for the habits, I notice and mark things like daily hygiene, cleaning, and staying positive. For posting this, I got to give myself points for being social!
I don't do negative points, although the app allows it.
You can also join groups of adventurers and pretend to battle monsters, which is lame the way they do it, but having a group to not let down is helpful.
I've been experimenting with Ideal Parent Figure therapy, I'm so far very impressed with the early effects I'm seeing. The textbook for therapists explains tonnes of research about attachment, then goes into a lot of detail about the treatment method: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Attachment-Disturbances-Adults-Treatment-Comprehensive/dp/0393711528
The therapist helps you vividly imagine yourself as a child spending time with ideal parent figures. These parents have specific attachment-promoting qualities (protective, attuned, responsive, delighted in you etc.) and particularly have the qualities that your actual caregivers weren't able to show. This imagery activates the attachment system and starts to create an internal working model for attachment which can overwrite the fragmented or distorted model that you originally built. The therapist also encourages "metacognitive skills", for example being able to notice your own state of mind, or accurately interpret how others might perceive an event. The therapy gives you the skills that parents implicitly teach in a healthy childhood - sense of safety and secure base, emotional awareness, self-regulation, exploration, self-esteem, coherence of personality across different states of mind. The authors claim patients measurably move from highly insecure to secure attachment.
I think that when toxic people show you who they are, you should believe them. I think that you probably see the men you grew up around clearly.
I know everybody knows this, but that doesn't mean all men are toxic or even that people raised to be toxic can't see the light and change. But do men exist who fully believe what you say? Yes. For sure. Lots of them.
One of our growth challenges is separating out our warning voices that keep us safe from the ones that are too wounded and defensive to give good information other than "I'm done. Get us out of here. I don't like this. Make it stop! I'm afraid." I've had much better luck working with the wounded ones at the same time I try and strengthen my warning system.
Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence was a book that I never finished reading all of it, but even the few chapters I got in me helped to sort a lot of the above out.
Good luck OP!
Cannabis.
I could not read Pete Walker without being stoned the first two times. Maybe a page sober, but probably not more than a few sentences.
Now I can. Heck, I got through The Black Swan sober and that is saying something!
Therapist gave me this to read: The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, 3rd Edition , Wendy Maltz https://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Healing-Journey-Guide-Survivors/dp/0062130730
Haven't gotten through all of it yet but it has been actually helpful for both me and partner.
I read this one, because I was also fascinated with her as a person. https://www.amazon.com/Maria-Montessori-Her-Life-Work/dp/0452279895 But honestly, whatever book you get is going to help you. Or just online resources, if you are not up for purchase.
Hey OP, this is a great big question that I hope gets lots of good answers. The first thing that came to my mind was Janina Fisher’s workbook— I’ve been finding her work some of the most comprehensive, up to date, and accessible integration of the field. https://www.amazon.ca/Transforming-Living-Legacy-Trauma-Therapists/dp/1683733487
Sounds like you're having intrusive thoughts about death and dying?
I finished a good book the other day that talks about intrusive thoughts, fear and a lot of other stuff. You can take a peek here. Maybe worth a try?
I finished a good book the other day that talks about survival mentality and a lot of other stuff. You can take a peek here. Maybe worth a try?
1.) Punching, clawing, and squeezing the life out of Playdough or soft red clay really helped me. I bought 25lbs of soft red Mexican clay for this sole purpose at the advice of my therapist.
AMACO AMA48653D Mexican Pottery Self-Hardening Clay, 25 lbs. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000CD2L1G/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_3AXB7TN95ASGK2G4N2BK
Its a large enough quantity that you can really punch your fists all over it. And it's soft enough that it moves easily in your hands. You can reuse it over and over or let it air dry if you end up sculpting something from your anger that you want to reflect on later.
2.) Twisting, wringing, and biting a dish towel
3.) Screaming into a pillow
4.) Journaling all my angry thoughts ans feelings and body sensations
5.) Vigorous exercise, I recommend cycling or running.
Good luck! Finding healthy outlets for my anger has been new to me for the last 3 years, but it feels so much better than bottling it up.
While not quite a book, the /r/MensLib subreddit is very wholesome and I support it. It's *chef's kiss".
Also it occurred to me you may be interested in this book - The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love by Bell Hooks.
CPTSD sufferer here, with a long history of compulsive eating (and consequent obesity), which I'm convinced was rooted in childhood trauma... I had been using overeating as a coping mechanism.
This book was a *huge* - *HUGE* - help to me. I'm in the UK, but I've just checked and it's also available in the USA on Amazon (though more expensive there).
I don’t know to fix it but I’m in a similar boat. I live alone. Did a programming boot camp to change careers to make a liveable real wage. Falling apart with applying to jobs.
I’m pretty depressed in a flashback hole.
I have an emotionally draining marketing job where I’m on the phone and have to talk about myself specifically. But I need the paltry income. It’s hard to just vacuum and dishes and laundry and fight against my depression brain.
Haven’t read the whole thing yet but someone else here recommended this book and it seems to be just what I need: https://www.amazon.com/Keep-House-While-Drowning-compassionate-ebook/dp/B08MD9T8XD/ref=nodl_
Also, I know it’s an easy thing to recommend but hard to make happen but get into trauma informed therapy if you’re not. Remote or in person.
I don't really know if it's worked for me, but I think it's at least somewhat helpful.
For me, sticking to schedules is hard, so I use an app that reminds me every day:
https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.northstar.gratitude
I am sorry. This is common in people with trauma. Here is something I have written in the past about it, hopefully there is something in there that helps:
>This is common in trauma survivors. It used to happen to me. Pete Walker talks about it in his book; he says it happens because you wake up and your body still thinks it's in your childhood home.
>Here is also a video on it.
>I worked on this issue specifically with my (amazing) therapist. What worked for me (YMMV - your mileage may vary) was that I imagined her by my side in the mornings, telling me I was safe, the day was going to be okay, etc. It sounds a little woo, but it actually worked. I think my 'inner child' so to speak, needed to be told that they were okay now.
I am sorry this is happening to you and happens to so many women / people :(
Book recommendation that helped me with enjoying sex more: Come as You Are
Sending hugs <3