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My ex kept having our child make accusations of non-sobriety. It caused massive problems in my life.
What I used, 3x per day, every damn day was this tool:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07VHHPKGW
It'll take a picture of you blowing, your location, and your BAC. No service charges. It can email the results. I jumped through those hoops every day for about 9 months.
The child "finally" made an accusation (through mom) where I had 8 hours of in-home surveillance and could show that I was not drinking, you could watch me walk, and you can hear me putting the child to bed. That accusation put an end to all of this crap. Why did he make that accusation? Because I put him to bed early, he called mom and said I was "drunk" and mom reported it.
​
Court orders seem to be in two flavors:
1) Random alcohol testing (for those that are alcoholics in recovery and should never drink)
2) Interlock devices or devices that must be used before traveling with a child.
​
Trust me, testing 3x per day is invasive as hell.
Unless you have EVIDENCE (like prior charges or history of medical treatment) no one should HAVE to agree to this unless you're going to do it yourself.
From what you've described, I'm not seeing much in the line of legal options to change up the custody. Maybe your lawyer would advise you differently. I doubt it, though. My attorney in my WI divorce advised me that courts will generally not be very interested in re-evaluating custody in the first two years of a divorce, unless there's legit evidence of child abuse or suchlike.
I can see where there was a lot of drama. Your divorce was finalized 15 months ago. You were in a new relationship before you were divorced, and dad already had both a new relationship and a kid at the time of divorce.
No matter how you slice it, though, there will be coparenting, and there will be transfer days. You and dad have got to figure this out.
It can get better. My coparent and I were text-only for a time, and now we're friendly. That process took about 5 years. A book that I read that really helped my end of communication was Joint Custody with a Jerk. Amazon link: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0312584202/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1
I strongly recommend this book even though the title is not necessarily directed to you.
Unfortunately, most custody litigation is a marathon and not a sprint. You need to be prepared for this so you don't burn out early.
> I also wouldn’t suggest going back to phone calls or not saving communication because you guys may backslide into a more high conflict relationship, whether you have sole custody or not.
Thank you for sharing this problem and being so concerned about your son. I agree with spsrta2967391: For your child's sake, as a wise judge in my area said, 'the one who keeps the old Valentine's cards wins," meaning, keep the proof for now, because it is often true that someone who loses full custody is more likely to be planning on proving how to get custody back than ready to submit to "defeat."
But I also agree that sending an email about "burying the hatchet" (yes, poor choice of words because it could mean "in your skull" instead of "in the ground" so it is setting all of us off a little! just saying) is too soon - and may be perceived as gloating. Instead, step carefully and with sensitivity. I like what someone else said: Use demonstrations of how you will act, and also light emails demonstrating your willingness to share.
Have you read any of Bill Eddy's books on communicating using BIFF (Brief, Informative, Factual, and Friendly)? They help you turn the 7-page email that you may be tempted to respond to with 8 pages, into a few lines responding to just the essentials in a healing way. Of course, I don't presume to know whether you need that sort of thing but many in custody battles have a history of poor communications that CAN be repaired. Amazon: https://smile.amazon.com/Biff-Responses-High-Conflict-Personal-Attacks-ebook/dp/B00NMTN0Y4/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1609440762&sr=8-5
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07QKWPT8J/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_0jGgFbKG01PSM
We use these wansview cameras. Super easy to use and very good quality. We bought 5 for all bedrooms with kids and all main living areas.
Also, read this book. This was a total game changer for me and my kids, as I gifted them when they were of age.. mid teens. It helped me endure other people that are extremely difficult and it's interesting as hell with some of the stories in it. I think this is what made me say "HOLY FUCK, THERE IS A NAME FOR THIS BEHAVIOR!!!"
https://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828