If you're the domme and he's the sub, you tell him to tone it down, and he says he can't, he's misbehaving. You have to be comfortable to adjust, and he's consistently doing things that feel uncomfortable to you. Furthermore, he is misbehaving and blaming you for causing it by doing something nice for him, which is a guaranteed strategy on his part to destroy the good thing he's got going with you.
u/Ferns_ wrote a small book specifically on managing disobedience that you can buy on Amazon for a reasonable price. It's based on this blog post, which applies the principles to an imaginary scenario in which the sub is unresponsive rather than aggressive. You may find that you can figure out how to apply the ideas to your own situation.
Remember - a D/s dynamic in which the submissive has free run and control of the relationship isn't domination, it's you service topping him. If you're more comfortable doing the latter than the former, that's totally fine, but something better brought to r/BDSMAdvice where more people will have useful experience with it.
Plump full balls are normal. Especially after a few days of no ejaculation. What you want to watch out for is them getting cold, or discolored. They may get discolored if you're straining on the cage, that is mostly normal. You just really need to be worried if they get cold. If they do get cold you may need to size up the ring to prevent cutting off circulation.
For the panties I like and use these. They wont tuck things back, but being they were designed for a man they hold everything in place quite well for me.
For me it actually doesn't do a lot unless I'm in a cage. It's not bad without it, but there's not enough connection.
Now if you want to try something specialized and super fun, the best dick vibrator I've ever experienced is this.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07GWTF4JT/ref=cm_sw_r_apa_i_IkezFbQVZ4PQK
This isn't good for teasing though, this is like a vibrator on overdrive for a guy. Honestly I don't think most people know about this. Basically there being two points of contact vibrates the dick in an intense oscillation that is just an intensity of feeling.
So I realize this wasn't the question, but it is a lot of damn fun if you like forced orgasms, or you just want to see your sub get off really hard.
My suggestion is to have a series of conversations about it to feel out the idea and figure out the scope of it.
Firstly, though, figure out what 'wanting to try it' looks like to you. In detail. 'A day in the life' type of stuff (or 'an afternoon of sexy play', wherever your interest lies): Really think about it vs starting from 'what does he want'.
Then have a chat with him about it: "I'm interested and ready to try this D/s thing now. Here are the things I'm interested in/having a go at, to see how they feel. How does that sound to you?" It's really as easy as that: You don't have to somehow make up a domly persona and go running at it 100% domly domdomdom or anything.
Then have a conversation, ask for his thoughts, etc, but if you want D/s, I'd avoid doing the thing where you just ask him what he wants and cater to him. There's nothing wrong with that, and if you just want to try topping, then absolutely do that instead.
Start small. Have an hour/an afternoon of 'you dominating him' (however that looks to you) to see how it goes for both of you. Don't make it a huge operatic production, too much pressure.
If what you're interest in is mostly play-orientated, I wrote a practical, actionable, confidence-building guide that might help: How to make your first BDSM scene amazing.
Enjoy :).
Ferns
This short story was strong enough to drive me into subspace at some points. I really love it. Other things by the same poster are very good too.
If your gf would enjoy a little extra size, you can look for cock sheaths/sleeve (link is to one on Amazon, but I wouldn't recommend buying sex toys from there).
Ferns
Oof.
Yeah, that's shit. Good that you handled it as best you could though. Just a tip, it sometimes really just helps to hear a voice - I'm sure she could call and read a chapter of a book to you without disturbing the other people you live with.
Some folks handle a lot of drop, for others it's rare. When I started to explore it, I used to get a dose of intense drop pretty much every time I indulged in a sadism scene. It took me a bit of trial and error to figure out what my aftercare needs are (also just not to fuck with subs who don't provide aftercare - tbh that was a big one), but now I know what I need, those doses of drop are pretty rare.
In the interim, if you're online only for the foreseeable future and find yourself experiencing drop very often, I really suggest that you look into a weighted blanket to wrap up in at the end of your scenes.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B078QZY71H/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_Oi7LCbSR5GP3Z
There are several good books and some good posts on Reddit.
Just one that got good reviews.
This book should probably help you FEMDOM: How To Handle Disobedience: For Dominant Women ('How To' Femdom Guides Book 4) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B082HJWK52/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glc_eYO4Fb1RF6B6C
(Written by a Domme I know online)
That link to Lulu.com should work. Huh.
Here’s the URL directly.
http://www.lulu.com/shop/msrika/uniquely-rika/paperback/product-2403338.html
Here’s the Amazon link
If you're looking to encourage her to be more bossy (not just in the bedroom), you might like the Around Her Finger articles, which emphasize the emotional side of D/s and its application in a loving relationship. It looks like the site is down currently, so here's the archived version: https://web.archive.org/web/20130813063538/http://aroundherfinger.com/women.html
Expanding on this, some people on /d/ thread wrote some very good stuff.
Taiyakisoba's stories are especially good.
There's also a lot of good gfd greentext that get passed around the /d/ thread. Definitely check that place out.
Just posted this in another thread where someone had pretty much the same question (you aren't alone :)).
I wrote a step-by-step, practical guide for new dominants that will help:
* How to make your first BDSM scene amazing
It walks you through everything from tapping into your confidence, figuring out what will work for both of you, how to start/end play, planning, running play with confidence, aftercare etc.
Ferns
Unfortunately there’s never an easy answer to this. You’ve basically got two options.
1) you can measure things and order a more expensive cage and hope you get it right.
2) just keep buying cheap cages until you find something that works for you, then order a more expensive cage that’s similar to that.
The cage that eventually worked for me was a Happygo cage from Amazon, specificallythis one.
Here are some things to remember:
I'm in your age bracket, 23M. I didn't lose my virginity till I was 21 if I recall correctly, and I turned out perfectly fine. I too was concerned about being judged, but that just made me study up and be educated. I found reading about women's anatomy, arousal, and sexual practices to be useful. I and many others recommend this book. It very well could increase your level of confidence. Lots of guys can stick something in a hole, but lots of men also know absolutely fuck all about vaginas and that's all they can do. My first time with another woman we were both virgins, and this book was very helpful in making sure we both had a fun & painless time.
I wouldn't just let it go. It's not about this particular thing, its about 'can I trust my sub to honour his agreement/s with me' with a big dose of 'can I trust him to submit', and eroding either of those is no small thing.
I wrote a practical step-by-step guide for exactly this: How to handle disobedience. It helps you to look at what is happening from a dynamic perspective and why, and how to deal with it.
The cliff notes:
If you've done all of that, then you have a big issue in your dynamic. I wouldn't give up until you've read the book to see if you've missed something that an objective outsider might see. But sometimes, there are things that are just not going to work in your dynamic, so then you have to think about "okay, so what now?"
Ferns
https://www.amazon.com/TERNENCE-Ergonomic-Design-Chastity-Accessories/dp/B07TLBCRZG/
Feel free to use something else suitable for the purpose but the company I got my cage from ships these latex tubes you can fit over the ring specifically at the hinge to prevent irritation. You might have to cut it with a razor, fold it around the part of the base ring that's causing irritation, and then glue it down to hold it in place but that's what I'd recommend.
I wrote a guide for nervous newbie Dommes for exactly the reasons you outlined:
It walks you through confidence building, how to figure out what to do in a scene, how to plan a scene, how to run it, how to manage your nerves, aftercare: The whole thing, step by step.
It will help, I promise :).
Ferns
If you enjoy the task giving and tracking aspect but aren't able to see each other in person enough for the tracking of it I would suggest looking at the app Desire (https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.desireapps.desire). There is very little in the app specifically femdom but the entire app is about setting tasks for each other, deadlines, and rewards.
I got a "beginners set" off of Groupon and they came with 4 different sizes and that might be a good bet for finding one that fits. [this one](http://Beginners' Flexible Anal Plug Set (4-Piece) Adult Sex Toys Massager
I wrote a step-by-step practical guide for new dominants that walks you through figuring this out, including finding things that work for both of you (even with subs who are shy), tapping into your confidence, planning things so you feel comfortable etc. It's here if you want to take a look:
Ferns
He's told you 'blindfolded and tied up' but the truth is that most men who 'want to be dominated' have quite specific ideas of what that looks like, how you should behave/speak/act, and how they want to feel.
The end result is that they give little information, and then put all the rest on their partner's shoulders to figure it out. It's terribly unfair.
My advice: Ask him to write out exactly how he wants this to go, in detail. He probably won't want to because it will 'spoil it', but without that information, you're missing the bigger picture of what it is he wants. E.g. if you blindfold and tie him up, then what? What does he expect? We can guess, you can guess, but who knows what he wants (humiliation? to be degraded? to be called a good boy? to be teased? butt stuff? impact play? dirty talk? tease and denial? to come? to not come? begging? protocols? etc).
As to something more practical: Research safe ties, get a blindfold, then tie him to the bed, put a blindfold on him, and do the following:
If you want more in-depth advice, or you get further into it with your partner, I wrote a practical step-by-step guide that will help you find your feet:
Best of luck :).
Ferns
Oh - I forgot...
You are moving more into ass licking? Try this
HEADS OR TAILS
Miss decides she wants some oral attention so she pulls out a coin and hands it to you.
Now you can simply flip the coin and if it comes up heads - you worship her from the front. If the coin comes up tails - you kiss, and lick, and lick,.... her ass.
But - for more fun make it more of a ritual:
Remember - this is all a game we can play so make it fun.
Check out Amazon. They have some fun coins to flip. Try this one for $8
I wrote a step-by-step practical guide for new dommes that will help you navigate this in a way that works for both of you :).
It covers everything from figuring out for your own self what you like and want, working out what he likes, and bringing the to together to building your confidence as you go forward.
Ferns
I wrote a practical step-by-step guide to help new dominants find their feet for exactly this question. It provides actionable advice including figuring out what they might like to play with, getting past nerves, finding their confidence, how to plan and run play that will work for both of you etc:
It will help :).
Ferns
Go take a look at the practical step-by-step guide I wrote for new dominant women who ask this question. It will help :).
Ferns
I wrote a guide for new dominants that gives practical, step-by-step 'how to' advice from mindset, to figuring out what activities to do, to how to grow your confidence, the whole thing:
I hope it helps :).
Ferns
If you're talking about playtime, I wrote a practical step-by-step guide for new dominants that walks through how to figure out what she might like, finding what will work for the two of you, how to tap into her confidence, and how to plan and run playtime so that it goes well and builds that confidence for next time:
I hope it helps.
Ferns
I just went and looked up the link to the best thing I've bought: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07H7K97CJ/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o02_s01?ie=UTF8&psc=1 You can actually unzip from the back as well as from the top, so it's a fun way to offer temporary access, then zip up and take it away! The "one size" doesn't fit me great, mostly wish the torso was longer as it gives one hell of a wedgie. I'm in the size 5/6/7/8 range.
Here they come. These are just some ideas for you. First : hand restraints
VIPERTEK Heavy Duty Hinged Double Lock Steel Police Edition Professional Grade Handcuffs (Black) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B018RO3F8Y/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_R.axFb70M8JDM
You could try an ultra low profile chastity device like this one:
https://www.amazon.com/Locking-Chastity-Urethral-Catheters-Insertion/dp/B07B4525D8
This leaves your penis unable to get erect, but it's still readily available for your gf to tease and play with you.
I've never tried one for myself, so I can't say how much it will hurt when the penis tries to erect in one of these, but it's an option that doesn't require drugs at least.
I too, am a little bitch that wears pink.
FeiGu Male Chastity Cage Device, Adjustable Silicone Cock Cage with 5 Rings for Male Penis Exercise https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01HAAYPTY/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_TQFkFbWY4WGR1
But unfortunately it’s out of stock now. I was pretty satisfied with it.
Googling hush plug comes up with this: https://www.amazon.com/LOVENSE-Hush-Powerful-Vibrating-1-5inch/dp/B01FVTA9BO
Is that what you're referring to? From the context of your reply this would allow her to turn it on from her phone to get your attention real quick or to just turn it on to randomly tease you. You'd have to be already wearing it though which I don't think would work in a day to day situation... unless you always just had it in?
I guess I'll just leave this here. It's the app I use for relaxing/focusing soundscapes. It has a really big collection of water sounds (rain, streams, waves, waterfalls, etc) that I never thought would have this kind of application.
pervs...
Since you asked, I looked into the Acorn app, and it only works with a online checking account set up with their company but I found an app I have used in the past. Here when he creates an account it allows him to add bank accounts, bills with due dates, etc. This way you will be able to see what he is doing, and there will still be the access barrier it sounded like you were looking for. The great thing about this app is that it tracks in real time so if you tell him to pay a bill you can see how long your slave takes to do the task given. Another added plus, is there is also a website version so you can keep track with a computer if you wanted.
Yeah, sorry -- I really meant that more out of the context of Femdom. I was actually thinking specifically of this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Women-Cambridge-Womens-Pornography-Cooperative/dp/0811855511
In the context of Femdom, I can see people liking it as part of a power exchange -- but, in the vanilla world it lands as more like "women get turned on when men pull their weight around the house" which is super annoying IMO.
When you're starting out it can be useful to have some specifics to help you find your feet and figure out what works for you and your sub.
To that end, I've written a practical, step-by-step guide for new dominants that will help you navigate ways to make it work, to build your confidence, etc while you find your own style.
I hope it helps.
Ferns
If you want tips on play, I wrote a practical, step-by-step guide for new or nervous dominants:
It's the info I wish I'd had when I was new :).
Ferns
I like electric dog shock collars. They are adjustable and work long distance.
These zappers work great and are made for kink play
-E-stim on the cock can be fun. -Tie him up with shoelace or paracord. -Put a drop (or 5) of peppermint oil in your lube (coconut oil) for a bit if chemical play. (Careful not to much it can burn) -Use numbing cream on the tip for a change of sensation.
I wrote a practical step-by-step guide to help new dominants who weren't sure how to go about it:
It will help :).
Ferns
I wrote a practical, step-by-step guide for new dominants:
It will help give your wife a way to start, a structure she can grow with,, something concrete to give her a foot up to find her confidence & style.
I hope it helps :).
Fers
For play, I wrote a step-by-step practical guide for new (or unsure) Dommes:
It walks through figuring out what YOU might like, what will work for the two of you, building confidence, planning your play etc.
I hope it helps.
Ferns
Try this book: Uniquely Rika
I like this book for ideas. Uniquely Rika
I wrote a step-by-step practical guide for new dominants that will help:
This is the information I wish I'd had when I was a baby domme :).
Ferns
I had a LDR Domme when I was younger, and she would task me with my daily health regimen to help keep my on a healthy track and help keep me in a good mental state. When we had screen time or some alone time digitally she would give me tasks like anal edging or using a vibe on my cage to tease myself, making sure my cage was always in view so I couldn't cheat and cum off camera. we used one of the following to keep the key handy in case of emergency:
I only ever needed it once, and it is easy to set a new combination.
If she wants some hand-holding for playtime, I wrote a step-by-step practical guide specifically for new dominant women:
It's the guide I wish I'd had when I was a baby domme: It will help her find her feet, help with her confidence, and help her figure out what does and doesn't work for her (and you).
Ferns
I've had good results from a small steel cage and tight underwear to keep everything close to your body.
This is the best one I've used so far Amazon chastity
You're welcome! Ubongo I'd another fun game. It's a timed puzzle game that has you assemble odd shaped blocks in a certain way. Failure to do so means you either don't get points or you get punished depending on who is playing
https://www.amazon.com/Ubongo-Geometric-Three-Dimensional-Re-Playable-Components/dp/B08TX3MT9K
Not exactly romance but a book with femdom, sci-if, drama and a bit of gore.
You want to wake him up without him knowing it in advance right?
Maybe some shared google agenda with an alarm sync app for the phone? It should be possible to add a task for him to read when he wakes up : )
I’d stick to soaking, massage, maybe some sort of hot wax treatment. I have a ForPro / BlackBear file for tough heels but I would avoid anything with blades. Go slow. Learn each part. Ask how they want it done and don’t do something until you know the dangers.
It’s hard to find honestly. Here’s one I enjoyed that is light/gentle femdom.
{The Admiral’s Acquisition by Luna Gold}
She’s a badass space admiral on her way to a work event when she finds a guy being (trigger warning) raped. He’s a slave. She saves him by buying him, but she never really expected to own a slave, though society is OK with it. He accompanied her to her event, things happen. He drops a “Mistress” at some point and she realizes he wants that kind of dynamic. The interactions between the main characters are consensual and sweet. Gentle femdom.
Steamy scenes are hot 🥵
Yep! They make plastic, numbered, cut-off-to-release locks that work exactly for what you're looking for.
Here's an example (designed for chastity, so you can see how it works): https://www.amazon.com/Master-Keyholder-Numbered-Plastic-Chastity/dp/B00M249E2W
That being said, if you buy them in bulk and from a manufacturing site, you can get them way, way, way cheaper. I think I have a bulk set of 500 for like $30.
I’m just going to say that most femdom porn is made for men and their pleasure, so I’m not sure if she would find much value in it in terms of discovering her own style of domination. I don’t think that looking at porn is necessarily a good way of starting.
Ferns wrote a book that covers handling your first scenes which might help your wife: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0781DHMVY/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_E1EZD9FYG733MSV3XDRC
I do anal a lot. I know my body and this is what I suggest to my clients. I only have issues when they do full enemas. A good bulb enema (2/3times during a shower) cleans out far enough up for regular anal play. I personally like this one. Amazon bulb enema the body can expel all the water immediately
If you are up for an (initially) non-consensual story, I really enjoyed "The Pet Gentleman", by Miss Pearl. You can read some of the chapters for free on her website, under "The Catamite" series.
she's vanilla, right? or at least — she hasn't yet learned that she enjoys being dominant. she might not, but you can help her figure it out. you will have to have a lot of embarrassing conversations, but there's good news: they start getting less embarrassing and because she loves you and wants you to be happy, she won't judge you.
i'm speaking from experience here. i was in a very similar situation to you.
first thing to do is put yourself in her shoes. you have been thinking about this your entire adult life. you know exactly what you want, what your fantasies are, what you want her to do to you.
she has zero experience with this except maybe through mainstream culture. she has no idea what you want or what turns you on. you need to tell her! and you need to start very specifically, because telling her to "be more dominant" doesn't really give her a lot to grab onto. it may feel like she's service topping for a while, but giving her a foundation of what it means for you two to be engaged in femdom will allow her to improvise and do more on her own.
you're defining a problem space and letting her feel comfortable in it. remember, this is all very brand new to her. it's like she's entering a foreign country and everyone around her knows what's going on — but she doesn't. be her guide here. start slow with basic stuff, and check in with her.
she will not become your ideal domme overnight. this is a project on the scale of years. be patient, because rushing into it will fuck it up. be prepared to truly submit, not just get your kinks out of her.
i highly recommend this book: getting her to be a vanilla dominatrix. read it over and over and over again. pay attention to the recommendations and enage i the learning activities.
I absolutely love this cage on my sub, but it does complicate the peeing situation. It's terrible searching for cages on Amazon but if you start with a link and then click around the "people also bought" or related products section you can find more cages for cheap while you figure out sizing.
Others have expressed concerns that I share, so I'll jump ahead to resources.
A resource to consider as you navigate this:
-Sharyn Ferns' book about Disobedience in femdom D/s relationships: https://www.amazon.com/How-Handle-Disobedience-Dominant-Femdom/dp/1673462510
I've read it and it offers some very helpful tools as well as a lot of perspective about situations very similar to yours. Joining this community is a first step and you might consider this and other books or possibly other educational kink resources like webinars.
Navigating communication, consent, and power dynamics is so complex! It's possible that learning about new perspectives together will take you and your partner beyond just reconciling this particular incident and into conversations about what you need and hope for. You can choose to say no to a punishment dynamic and still be in a valid FLR, and you can also have boundaries about it.
I can help with a harness for pegging, but can with one that works with a chastity cage. Any strap on harness that has two straps rather than one through the groin area should work just fine, although it’s worth find one that has small a backing plate that isn’t too large vertically. We have a cheap one like this and it sits just fine about my cobra cage.
I know very little about ABDL, but as a start, what do the two of you find most appealing in this scenario? For example, is it more the power dynamics, or maybe the "emasculation", or something else? Also, in your fantasies, is he willingly relinquishing control, or is he being "forced"/blackmailed?
Depending on the answers, you could focus your dirty talk on those aspect. For example:
Another possible question for the brainstorming: do you think he finds more exciting the praise for being "a good baby", or being verbally despised?
If you are interested in reading more about erotic humiliation, this book by Princess Kali could be a good introduction: https://www.amazon.com/Enough-Make-You-Blush-Humiliation/dp/0692534911
So this is the one that I ended up with after buying and using a CB6000, a Holy Trainer v2, and another metal cage from Amazon.
This one was the perfect one for me. At $30, it's worth a shot. Counterintuitively, smaller is more comfortable. Pouch underwear is essential, soap and a scrub brush in the shower and removal at least every 3-4 days for deep cleaning is essential. Good luck!
This is the one we use. Comfort is top, allows her to use a Womanizer while pegging. Looks fairly nice. Reasonable price. https://www.amazon.com/CleanTeam-SE-1563-30-3-HarnessTM-Regal%C2%AE-Empress/dp/B07N4GZZ1J
I’d recommend this one. cage Comes with different size rings so you can select which one fits best
Plugs definitely help! I used this set https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00AU8HZC8?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
The thick necks keep you stretched, but you need a thong to make sure they don't slip out. The largest one is MASSIVE but allows my domme to peg me with her biggest strap.
Pic with tomato for scale. https://imgur.com/a/nGBoi09
Kink lab's Neon Wand is the only one I have experience with. We also have the body contact plate to pass current through your body to do either a direct or reverse current.
This book may help you get in the right head space. Dominance isn’t always about sex. You are young and it will take time. If it feels like a job then it be won’t last. You both need to talk about what it looks like for both of you. I love massage/foot rubs/hair brushing. Have him ask permission to use the bathroom, always carry your phone/purse when you are together, give him a word that makes him stand a certain way whenever you say it. Make it fun and focus on having them do things for your pleasure. Remind yourself It’s not about you making sure they are satisfied. It’s about them learning to satisfy you in whatever way that YOU decide. Uniquely Rika
https://www.amazon.com/Master-Cock-Shock-Remote-Electric/dp/B00R6Q8KLM
This. Im looking at the recent reviews on it now and a lot are saying theirs didnt work, mine did! Well until it went in the bin haha
Most straight dominant women don’t want to date a “woman”, most gay dominant women don’t want to date a man. Are you explaining exactly what you want to get out of the relationship from the first messsge or are you focusing on learning what they want? “I want this” out of a relationship that hasn’t even started sounds like work. No one wants to be a kink dispenser for someone else’s kink. That’s what professionals are for. Here’s a good book on one version of a female led relationship.
I don't know what style of femdom you are aiming for (soft/gentle/other) but my wife found Femdon for Nice Girls to be a very useful book, not only for techniques but also for empowering herself as an individual.
I found it for her and bought it as a present. It really helped her with her general confidence. My wife also found this book useful
Sub husband here too, although we have only adopted a D/s dynamic in the past 9 months after nearly 20 years of being together. Like you I asked my wife to take the lead as I had realised that I had grown deeply uncomfortable with taking the traditional male lead sexually and it was causing me to avoid intimacy, and this was impacting our relationship.
My wife was definitively on board, and like your mistress, she is very good at being dominant although it does not come naturally due to her background and she finds it difficult to put her needs over others. I too had doubts about whether she was doing it just to make me happy, although we have discussed this and assures me that this really is what she want to do.
One resource my wife found useful was the book Femdom for Nice Girls: A Self-Guided Manual for the Caring Mistress. Unlike many other books that focus on the more ‘kinky’ aspects, this one focuses on female empowerment and includes a number of activities and worksheets you can download them here that really helped my mistress decide what she wanted to be as the Domme, rather than what she thought I wanted her to be.
I know we are much earlier on our journey than you but I do hope that is of some help
Authors to look for:
I have been working on a playlist for quite a while. If you are into pop and dance type things, here are some of my favs. Watch "Femdom" on YouTube Femdom: https://music.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLPiE0Zf1vdLadnziPStttObQ0mVG5ILgj Not all are pop and dance but for me they all apply to femdom.
They key thing is communication between you both and taking things in small steps. Each time you try something new, always have a discussion afterwards to see what worked for you both, and more importantly what didn’t work.
My wife (now mistress) found this book to be a useful introduction to femdom and it covers many of the things you mention in your post.
My wife/mistress found the book Femdom for Nice Girls: A Self-Guided Manual for the Caring Mistress to be really useful for getting her mindset into the right place. It’s only a few £/$ and made a big difference to our dynamic
My wife and I found the book Femdom for Nice Girls: A Self-Guided Manual for the Caring Mistress really helpful. It’s pretty cheap and also has some downloadable worksheets that you and your sub can fill in together.
It focuses a lot on getting a mutually respected dynamic going and then the emphasis is on giving your sub rewards for behaviour rather than forcing anything
Here’s one example, but this editor has several collections of erotica that I enjoy (and that we enjoy together).
She's on Top: Erotic Stories of Female Dominance and Male Submission https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07H46CRR2/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_JC0XXFQ1PBEVFZCCY1DV
I believe it was this one, in XXX-Large: https://www.amazon.com/AvaCostume-Cosplay-Lolita-Halloween-Costumes/dp/B00NWN1FHE/
For men's sizes, I think he's a 36, and he can fit into a regular XL for most women's clothing.
Another idea.
Floosum 50's Style Retro Aprons Ruffle Side Cake Cooking Apron with Pocket Gift for Women Girls, Pink Polka Dot #2, Medium https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B08M5WP9W1/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_i_Y92XMTXXAJW7GBRJHFF6?psc=1
I definitely understand, I have bought a lot of toys for myself- chances are if it's mentioned anywhere I've likely bought and tried it! I find some are fine by myself but aren't really conducive to partnered play, which I prefer. I have the Womanizer, but it would be difficult to use while playing with my partner so it stays in the drawer.
We don't have a feeldoe but I did get this. I wasn't overly impressed, I felt that it sat weird, wasn't very comfortable and I definitely wasn't able to really thrust into him. You enjoy the feeldoe though, you don't find you run into the same issues? My guy likes to really be fucked so I'm not sure something that stiff would work.
The ejaculating dildo we got is The Big Shot. We purchased a cum mixture that you mix with water and pour in it. It works well, however once we get into things (I'll usually set up a scene, we'll have a few puffs and get going) we both usually get lost in it and I totally forget about actually having it ejaculate. I feel like I would be searching for the button (although it is backlit once you start pressing it. I feel like it does take me out of the moment to think about it and get it ready. It would probably work well if I stayed focused enough. Loading the cum is easy, just a little lid on the base. The vibrating function is fun for both parties.
I have a similar situation with my mistress where im not allowed to cum without her permission and we don't use any devices. I don't have the same issues you're describing, just a few times a week when we aren't together she'll make me edge myself and likes that I'm so frustrated. Have you talked with your partner about that sort of dynamic?
Otherwise I'd recommend a chastity device with a lock and key. If you don't see your partner frequently enough to them the key holder you can get a box off Amazon that will only unlock after a certain amount of time has passed, so you can keep yourself honest.
We use this moisturizing body cream. It comes in a big tub and works amazingly. We're still on our first tub months later!
I wrote a step-by-step, practical guide for new dominants that will help:
It walks you through everything from tapping into your confidence, figuring out what will work for both of you, planning, running play with confidence, and aftercare.
Ferns
I've used this on only myself but it worked pretty well! Just washed it off in the shower afterwards.
Have sub make coffee and of course deliver...
...on the second or third cup story about halfway through and tell him to go heat it up in the microwave (even if it’s still plenty warm). Tell him you want it steaming.
Now then, upon returning with it...
Tell him, “Ohh no, it’s for you...”
He’ll likely look perplexed... good.
Tell him that he can’t have any until you’re thoroughly entertained by him edging directly over it... Steaming the balls or pipe!
Once feeling merciful / bored enough... gently push him over the edge... you can even say, “I’m going to gently push you over the edge...”
And begin caressing his face or whatever you fancy to get the job done. Even go the blowjob route... but don’t go all the, all the way... oh no no no. . . RUIN HIM!
Emptying right down into his coffee which is now his to enjoy. . .
Bonus points if you happen to have a frother
“Now, go make your frou-frou drink!”
Just as a suggestion, you don't necessarily have to have him cheer for you or sex or your dynamic or anything in-person. I know that'd make me probably feel a bit weird depending on the day.
If either of you are into sports, you can use those. Make him a cheerleader for a "team".
If you want to make it more ridiculous and make him feel even more ridiculous (I vote this one, but that's my slice of humiliation enjoyment), make him cheer for completely inanimate objects that barely makes sense.
"GO TOASTER!
YOU'RE THE BEST;
MAKE HER TOAST!
IT'S NO CONTEST!"
(Make him face the toaster, because obviously. Bonus points if you wanna keep telling him he didn't even perform it well enough for a toaster so he better do it again! You could make an entire scene just out of kitchen objects and make him go more over-the-top with each item. Wider arm swings, more enthusiasm, more exaggerated movements, more pompom noise, etc. Think Cheer Coach/Drill Sergeant drilling into a teammate to make her her best.)
(Or steal anything off this list and insert whatever you wanna insert.)
(Sidenote: I used to have this DVD that I'd make a partner workout to. It taught a lot of the movements, was good cardio for them, and they enjoyed it on a sexual/personal level in addition to getting a good workout in. Also, I know nothing about cheerleading, so it was a good way for them to gather the info to make the scene work better and be more believable.)
This question comes up a LOT from new Dommes, so I wrote a practical step-by-step guide that you may find helpful:
I hope it helps :).
Ferns
I've been doing a bit more research. If you want a bench specifically that can store under your bed, look on Amazon for an inline back stretch traction bench. There are some bondage possibilities there between mummification and basic ways to be tied up. Plus the added benefit if you have back issues (as I do)!
Something like this: Stamina in Line Back Stretch Bench https://www.amazon.com/dp/B005IQS7C4/
Then maybe build a smotherbox around the bench's dimensions? The bench I linked above is just above floor level, should store under most beds, and has an easy explanation should anyone ask questions.
The smotherbox part would still be the open question, but many of the previous suggestions could probably work with this bench with limited modifications. If you go the Mastermind route, you should probably get the whole thing since they're designed for one another.
There are some good rope workshops in Brisbane, from the casual to the more formal: You can find them on Fetlife :). Ditto sources for rope tbh.
I have "Shibari You Can Use" which is good for beginners (if I recall it was very M/f focussed, but many are :/).
Ferns
We do this, it is intense...your fucking her but you don't feel anything...messes with your head but incredible, By the way, I usually keep my change on, it is strechy enough to go over it.......this is similar to the one we have https://www.amazon.com/Waterproof-Extension-Silicone-Extender-Transparent/dp/B08PKZ8BVX/ref=sr_1_39?dchild=1&keywords=cock%2Bsleeve%2Bsmall&qid=1608992503&sr=8-39&th=1
Not Kindle Unlimited, but I'm really, really into Ferns' Domme Chronicles and would pay for it all over again.
I've been attempting to find some Kindle Unlimited femdom stuff, but like you, haven't found much.
The best I've seen is still The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners by Lady Green. It's short, so it's not overwhelming. The tone is friendly and inviting. Most of all, it invites women to discover their own reasons for entering this realm--something more than 'because my husband wants me to.'
and for completeness the link to the Modern-Day-Cinders series
Tales of strict protocols for the beta-male skivvy, laugh-out-loud humiliating CFnm and prick-teasing chastity, all mixed with lots of the type of corporal punishments that demands respect and gets results.
All set in an Alpha-Female household with definitely no sign of a Fairy Godmother in sight to rescue from the poor boy from his endless chores, trials & tribulations...😉 Titles include:
- Spare The Chastity, Spoil The Man – Noir Edition😈
- Barefoot, Chaste and in the Kitchen (A Crueler Cut for Locktober)
- Lie back and think of England…
- Spare The Chastity, Spoil The Sissy – Pretty In Hot Pink Locktober edition🎀🏳️🌈
- Pussy Diet
- Her Modern Day Cinders
- Dirty Weekend
- Toes Are For Pointing
- Barefoot, Chaste and in the Kitchen
- Must Do Better
- Prance For Me foofoo!
- Dry Nightmare! (the opposite of a wet-dream)
- Flip-Flop Face Flogged
- Prance For Me Sissy! – Pretty In Hot Pink edition🎀🏳️🌈
- Cum Slut & the Fistful of Condoms