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There is a series of books called the Book of Questions - one of these is around Love and Sex. Great conversation makers especially at the start of a relationship- when the book is sitting on your coffee table and you and your new friend start asking each other questions from the book, invariably some of the questions will cover sex frequency (and many other great questions). You will of course have that page bookmarked in your mind and at some point in your conversation can turn to that page and ask away. Easy way to ask the question without making it look like you’re interrogating him :)
Oh yeah :) I'm with the general consensus of 2 weeks being agreeable. I'm interested in the list of books you mentioned, and any others that bubble up. I recently purchased NMMNG and have read most of it, with the other common books on my wish list.
A book suggestion from my wish list I haven't seen yet (at least from the time I posted my earlier comment) is Attached by Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S.F. Heller M.A.
I know exactly what you mean about cystitis getting in the way. My wife suffered with it for many many years to the point of needing to go to A&E (emergency rooms for the Americans) many times for antibiotics.
There are many contributing factors leading to cystitis such as too much sugar in the diet, poor hormonal balance, poor pH balance, poor hygiene (not insinuating anything, just stating), bacteria in the mouth that's then spread by oral and contributing to above problems.
None of the over the counter meds really helped nor did cranberry juice or natural yoghurt until my mum told my wife to try drinking apple cider vinegar. This worked for her, worked for my wife, even worked for my son when he got cystitis at one point (side note, did you know there's no over the counter meds for cystitis in men, even though they do get it?), not drinking enough water, not peeing straight after, sex when not fully wet
Anyway, get her to drink 1 tablespoon of ACV in a glass of water when she gets cystitis. Once finished, start another glass until the pain goes away. It's not the nicest stuff but it works so well. Should start to feel better in a couple of hours of finishing the first glass.
The nicest ACV I've found so far is this one Mother's Natural Aid Apple Cider... https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B098YPY61J?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
I hope that helps.
>So after she tells me she's STILL not in the mood, but she wants to try for the baby, I guess I'm just supposed to be cool with it?
It would be a good idea to put another pregnancy on hold until you've fixed this. Newborns & toddlers don't increase anyone's sex drive or improve anyone's sex life.
She's not even into the sex she's having to get pregnant. This isn't how you want to bring a new life into the world ... her enduring sex she doesn't want and doesn't enjoy just bc she wants another baby.
​
>Outside of ovulation time, she complains of zero drive or interest. Swears/promises it's not me, it's entirely her body betraying her.
​
https://www.amazon.com/Better-Sex-Through-Mindfulness-Cultivate/dp/1771642351/
Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire by Dr Lori Brotto addresses this exactly.
>In Better Sex through Mindfulness, acclaimed psychologist and sex researcher Lori A. Brotto offers a revolutionary approach to improving desire, arousal, and satisfaction inside―and outside of―the bedroom.
>
>A pioneer in the use of mindfulness for treating sexual difficulties, Brotto has helped hundreds of women cultivate more exciting, fulfilling sexual experiences.
In this accessible, relatable book, she explores the various reasons for sexual problems, such as stress and incessant multitasking, and tells the stories of many of the women she has treated over the years.
>
>She also provides easy, effective exercises that readers can do on their own to increase desire and sexual enjoyment, whether their goal is to overcome a sexual difficulty or simply give their love life a boost.
I was really speaking to the latter. That your partner is not as interested in sex. It seems you'll have to accept that. The only question is what will you do about it. How will you find happiness if you stay together. Here's a book about it:
https://www.amazon.com/Radical-Acceptance-Secret-Happy-Lasting/dp/1501139207
Perhaps you should leave if you can't be happy accepting him for who he is.
This has been very useful. I bought it for working out, but it has increased my libido, which was high anyway. But I feel stronger, more confident. Actually re-growing hair on my head. I take two a day. It says for men, but I don't see why it would not work for you.
I have read many of the research saying that the sex differences are due primarily to socialization I have not read this one so thank you. I always think it is good to read all sides of an issue.
If I may suggest someone who gives the opposite findings (that sexual desire is more biological than social). Dr. Carole Hooven, an evolutionary biologist at Harvard university has written a book; https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08HKX6GWH/ref=dbs_a_def_awm_bibl_vppi_i0
She also has many videos on YouTube. She does not rule out that socialization has some impact but her research shows testosterone is more important. Her research on the effects of testosterone on female to male trans patients I find very compelling.
I'd look for some basic material on tantra in order to express a different perspective with her. Not the genuine spiritual practice, but the light westernized version. It's beautiful and approachable and offers a much healthier, more positive view on the connection between lust/sex and love. Try this - technically a book, but mostly just a collection of illustrated exercises.
Tantric sex starts with breath and mindfulness. Breath is understood as life-force (or energy, or movement, or however it's easiest to think about it). Every time you touch your partner mindfully, you're sharing and building and exchanging that energy. Tantric sex is mostly about making space to focus on each other, be present with your bodies and emotions and desires. It's a practice of selfless pleasure and utter vulnerability, beginning with breathing together, moving through different kinds of stimulation, rising to orgasm, and ending with closeness and joy.
Literally the opposite of the "pure hormones no emotions" emptiness the author of this piece describes.
So I used to have oral lichen planus. It's not the same but it's related. (It's worse, from the description -- open sores.) The official treatment is steroids and they're supposed to clear it up. They did not.
By chance I happened to come across something on Amazon. It sounds weird. It was a miracle cure for me.
I have mixed feelings sharing this info -- I'm not a doctor, the internet is full of crazy people, etc. But I've seen your comments, I know you're intelligent and won't rush off and insist your wife try this.
Go read the description. It's milder than it sounds. I used it as a gargle, rinse and spit. My painful, several-year infection cleared up in a couple of months.
Your wife may not want to try it, understandably. If she does try it, she should obviously do a very small patch test. Try it on a cut or scrape first. The fact that you can use it as a household cleanser seems offputting, but shrug miracles do happen.
https://www.steadyhealth.com/articles/whats-up-down-there-lichen-planus-vs-lichen-schlerosus
Though culture can have an effect on biology cross cultural studies have shown that across cultures men want to have more sex, with more women and women want less sex and desire less partners.
I think this is tied to the fact that men and women’s primary purpose in procreation is different. Males primary purpose is to create the children and women’s primary purpose is to raise the children. This is why men have a higher sex drive and the male orgasm is essential for procreation to occur.
Women’s sex drive’s are lower because a high sex drive can distract from raising children. The fact that the female orgasm is completely unnecessary for procreation to occur.
I’d recommend this book if you want to read further on the topic.
https://www.amazon.com/Evolution-Desire-Strategies-Human-Mating/dp/046500802X
>Like many people she has a thousand things on her mind at all times
​
If she struggles with anxiety or staying focused during sex, there is help for that.
Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire by Lori Brotto, Ph.D. would be a good book to read together.
"A groundbreaking method for improving desire, arousal, and sexual satisfaction through mindfulness."
​
>In Better Sex through Mindfulness, acclaimed psychologist and sex researcher Lori A. Brotto offers a revolutionary approach to improving desire, arousal, and satisfaction inside―and outside of―the bedroom.
>
>A pioneer in the use of mindfulness for treating sexual difficulties, Brotto has helped hundreds of women cultivate more exciting, fulfilling sexual experiences.
In this accessible, relatable book, she explores the various reasons for sexual problems, such as stress and incessant multitasking, and tells the stories of many of the women she has treated over the years.
>
>She also provides easy, effective exercises that readers can do on their own to increase desire and sexual enjoyment, whether their goal is to overcome a sexual difficulty or simply give their love life a boost.
​
https://www.amazon.com/Better-Sex-Through-Mindfulness-Cultivate/dp/1771642351
I read a book in early 2021 that really helped me understand my wife's mindset much better. "The Deadbedroom Repair Manual" by Melody Parker (a frequent Redditor and researcher with a PhD) was very relevant to my relationship. I'm telling you about it in case it might resonate with you as well.
I haven't been able to "fix" my deadbedroom yet but I at least feel I have a better understanding of the situation and it helped me dissipate some of the frustration I was feeling. Knowledge is power.
Best of luck to you!
> but my mind gets bored, I think I need extra mental stimulation or something
“Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire” by Dr Lori Brotto is a fantastic book that I recommend often here, for all genders. The mindfulness exercise are easily adaptable to everyone.
Learning how to stay present in the moment, focus on physical and emotional pleasure and reactions will keep your mind from getting bored.
https://www.amazon.com/Better-Sex-Through-Mindfulness-Cultivate/dp/1771642351
>Is it possible the state of being in a relationship is, alone, enough to preclude their "awakening"?
For a lot of HLs, both female and male, their awakening begins in before relationships, in adolescence with body exploration and masturbation. Some people sneakily borrow sex toys from parents, or use household implements as homemade masturbation aids.
​
>But what are some ways “discovering sexuality” can look like for women?
There are a LOT of self-help books on sexual exploration, if your wife is wanting to go that route.
Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire by Dr. Lori Brotto is an excellent guide
https://www.amazon.com/Better-Sex-Through-Mindfulness-Cultivate/dp/1771642351
The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz is great too.
There are classics like The Joy of Sex but a lot of newer stuff like: The Vagina Bible, Pleasure Activism, Love Your Lady Landscapes, etc.
There are in-person workshops all over the place, as well. Sex therapists focus on this as well, if group workshops are not something your wife is into.
Something that is going to be a defining factor is how comfortable your wife is with really frank language and descriptions.
To use the example from another regular, if your wife is uncomfortable hearing or saying the word "vagina", then much of this really isn't going to be effective.
Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love by Pia Mellody might be a good read for you while you wait to find a therapist.
​
https://www.amazon.com/Facing-Love-Addiction-Giving-Yourself/dp/0062506048
Esther Perel covers this a lot in her books / videos and talks about "Mating in Captivity"
https://www.amazon.com/Mating-Captivity-Unlocking-Erotic-Intelligence/dp/0060753641
When you see someone all the time, especially this past year and a half with COVID lockdowns, social distancing, etc - that familiarity and overexposure to them can flat out kill the mystery. ("I know how your day went, I was here for all of it!")
So yeah, there's lots of things you can do to get that creativity, novelty, mystery, and playfulness back.
Good luck, if you figure it out, let us know!
For real, I recommend you both read Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire
It's not a cure all, but its certainly helped us both understand some thing about her sexuality that she wasn't aware of. We're about half way through now and she just discovered that she's been having sex for my sake, but that she could be having it for her own. (Omg! So surprising. I haven't said that before at all.) It'll probably sound like things you've said to her, but coming from a book for women seems to help.
" How about tomorrow? So I can get in the mood.”
Does that actually work for her? It doesn't sound like it.
"Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire" by Lori Brotto, Ph.D. would be a good book for both of you to read together, if this is actually something she wants to do something about.
https://www.amazon.com/Better-Sex-Through-Mindfulness-Cultivate/dp/1771642351/
​
>In Better Sex through Mindfulness, acclaimed psychologist and sex researcher Lori A. Brotto offers a revolutionary approach to improving desire, arousal, and satisfaction inside―and outside of―the bedroom.
>
>A pioneer in the use of mindfulness for treating sexual difficulties, Brotto has helped hundreds of women cultivate more exciting, fulfilling sexual experiences.
In this accessible, relatable book, she explores the various reasons for sexual problems, such as stress and incessant multitasking, and tells the stories of many of the women she has treated over the years.
>
>She also provides easy, effective exercises that readers can do on their own to increase desire and sexual enjoyment, whether their goal is to overcome a sexual difficulty or simply give their love life a boost.
​
​
>A headache, a stomachache, her period or we get into an argument about something else which kills the mood.
Period aside, these are common anxiety responses. Picking an argument, especially.
Is she her anxiety only related to sex or does she struggle with anxiety in other parts of her life too?
My wife had a friend that grew up Catholic and changed to Assemblies of God when she was in college. She grew up hearing "sex is for your husband. Do it for him. " She got married, started having sex with her new husband. She realized, "wait, I like how this feels". She and her husband have a healthy enough bedroom that she gave my wife a long talk about sex just before she married me.
That experience inspired us. My wife and I have done similar long talks with five or six couples (seperately - her with the lady, me with the guy)
Churches are great at telling people behaviors to avoid in order to stay out of sexual immorality. They are shy or silent altogether when it comes to having a happy sexual relationship once are married.
I have a strong book recommendation: Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex . The book is published by Zondevan, the Bible publishing company. Its written by a Christian lady that does marriage conferences. I love this book. My wife and I give it to couples when we have The Talk with them.