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I went through and edited it. But I have a couple general comments. Besides what I wrote on the paper itself, I just want to add that you should go through and make the tenses the same throughout. I would suggest present tense.

Anyway, here's the link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1u4PnL_z9PsWYy_ixrhzzTM_c3oajX0DWlM3AZEI10HE/edit?hl=en&authkey=CNXqq8MP

Hi, you should think about making your document editable so people can make changes to it! I made a copy and changed some things round which I think improve it - have a look and feel free to discard anything you don't like! :-)

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WJ8lNx0Z2_4gCZteoXrSY1c86hh9nSvXfzJTPGmdIT0/edit

I copied and pasted into a new Google Doc. You can use it, if you like. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1H7KpuzPfnenAHRiGNC4ZGROEjl5VBbr0jjFIvD1ppwU/edit

edit: I right-clicked on the document and wrote comments, can you see the comments?

edit2: OK, made a few suggestions. Hopefully, others will have more to say.

Do you have access to JSTOR through your university? My university allows me to log on through our library's website; from there I'm allowed to browse all sorts of articles from a few decades of academic journals. You're allowed limited access (can't see every source) for free, so it's worth a shot.

Alternately, check with Google Scholar for sources. Be warned, you won't be able to see everything.

I'm not a verified proofreader, but I've gone through and left a bunch of suggestions (in red. I tend to overedit, so don't take everything to heart. Also, make sure to read your paper out loud before you turn it in — it will help your phrasing, flow, and clause usage.

I created a new GDoc that is editable.

Check out the revision history to see what changes I made. A few paragraph breaks, and a lot of reorganization of words where the sentences were awkward (and sometimes grammatically incorrect.)

Have a look through and see if you agree with the edits. (I was not as discriminating as the previous editor - I changed things pretty unceremoniously. :P) Hopefully it helps a little!

Hi!

I went through your story. I created a Google Doc with my cursory comments.

Overall, I feel the story has potential. I realize it's a short story and it's supposed to be a journal entry, but I found it rather choppy. I was thirsting for more detail and smoother transitions. Some of the parts need some ironing and clarification, but like I said, it has a lot of potential.

Let me know if you have any questions. I'd be happy to read it again whenever you'd like me to. Just respond to this post or PM and I'll take a look.

Cody

Hi!

I went through your paper. The content is solid with good examples. Many of the suggestions I made are mechanical or are attempts to remedy awkward sentences. I created a Google Doc with my comments. Feel free to ask me to clarify or further explain any of my suggestions; I'd be more than happy to do so!

Best regards,

Cody

I sent you a message earlier about not being able to comment on the Google Doc. I copied and pasted it into a new one and made comments on that. There's a bunch of stuff that needs to be reviewed. Nothing major, just words and awkward phrasings. Here's the link to the commented version.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1brWMpPoqSHq05v1sGrOE-_6shh56j_GCAqY4f7JZcbo/edit

I made my own copy here.

But the OP seems to be AWOL, so I'm not sure how motivated you should be to even bother.

Make it editable. I almost didn't proofread it since it was an extra step for me to make my own copy.

But I did, in fact, make my own copy. Here you go. Things I changed are highlighted. Comments are self-explanatory. Don't take anything personally.

Okay, first cut your extra words first of all. Anytime you feel like using "that" don't. "That" is often unnecessary and is essentially a stutter in writing. Second, don't be so wishy-washy. Take a stance in your writing and mean what you say. Don't say "some students tend to lose sight." Be assertive damnit! and say "Some students lose sight." You use fewer words and you don't seem like a flip-flopper incapable of making up your mind. In addition, your answer to the fourth question is weak. I would like to see specific examples of why you are a better student than anyone else. Currently, you have a lot of adjectives and meaningless nouns that don't tell me anything about you. Give me, and the person reading your essay for that matter, details of your specific and individual life and you will stand above the rest.

Here ya go: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ELO7pOpzfrY1Rtrrdr6-Whv45JPWKDt3hZ2CB9CPGTo/edit?hl=en_US

I made a copy of this document and opened editing for anyone with the link - made it much easier to comment! See margin comments and a few inline notes. https://docs.google.com/document/d/170jpaelNmYlGnO8X6jYw2xYdtm1fxuKn_yYCiwFdn88/edit?hl=en_US

Alright, I went through it. But some of my comments might be off, because I'm not sure if this is a review or an essay. I edited it as an essay, but if you tell me it's a review, I will alter my comments accordingly. Anyway, here it is.

I'm sorry, I think your English is fine for interacting with customers but I wouldn't want you writing official letters for me :l I don't know how people on this site feel about Strunk and White's The Elements of Style, but it's a good read if you're interested in improving your professional English.

On the other hand it's impressive that your English is so good for a non native speaker, so I wouldn't be disheartened by this. There are other jobs out there that don't require knowledge of all the little finicky details of English.

I just moved all my content over to LaTeX, and added some stuff under both a honors and interests section (a lot of people had stuff like that in their resumes at /r/EngineeringStudents). I can't figure out what more to put under the robotics stuff, or the computer section.

Here is the revised copy.

Hello there, here's a google doc link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B81INHnfALA-NW5tbU1jaEdiTGM/edit?usp=sharing

To answer your question:

A year ago, my mother lost her commercial lease to the landlord because she simply could not afford the increased monthly payment. She was expected to pay $10,000 every month if she wanted to keep her business. Given her circumstance at the time, she simply could not afford the lease. She tried to negotiate the lease rates with her landlord, but she never gave my mom a chance.

This letter is pretty much our last fighting chance. Thank you so much for you reply. I hope you're still willing to help out!

Anytime! And it's not online, but I'll put it up now, only because it's like... almost exactly the same type of symbolism that you're writing about.

Here's the link:

I hope this works

Hi,

Here is the link to the proofread version.

The largest change I made was to the first paragraph of the main body; saying that someone has undergone torture is somewhat extreme, and I would not use the term lightly - I replaced with abuse.

As you can see, I haven't made too many changes to it; if you have any marking/assessment criteria, you may wish to review it to ensure that the work meets the requirements.

Additionally, I generally find it difficult to copyedit without all the facts, so you may also wish to ensure that what you are writing lines up well what occurred (as well as with any supporting documentation you may be required to supply).

If you feel I can't help you with this any more, please take 2 minutes to complete this short survey. All responses are anonymous, and I'd love to get feedback on what I do. Thanks

I shuffled around some commas to get rid of some ands and broke down some of your longer sentences. I added some extra breaks in where you mentioned something interesting to add length and make the ideas flow better into each other. The only thing I nixed was where you first mention why skyscrapers are built where the schist formations are close to the surface because you mention it twice, and the second time it's surrounded by the relevant data and it's stronger there than in your introduction to the data. I know that you want to show that discovery at first because you're eager to let them know that fact but to your teacher it's more exciting to show the data before the conclusion rather than summarize the conclusion before the data.

Oh, and I added an extra bit to your introduction, it might have been that little puzzle piece you've been looking for to make it sound right.

Letsee... I think I got rid of a few "also", "however" "As stated before" and some other stuff that students normally use to talk to themselves while they're writing, just kind of streamlines things down a bit. For a reader going over it, they'll have a lot of this information pretty fresh in their mind.

Anyway, you can compare and keep what you'd like. Thanks for the read, it was fascinating. I like how you describe the textures of the rocks found.

Google Doc Link

I've hacked it about a bit.

To be brutally honest, in its existing form, the document does not read well. I don't think you've succeeded in showing that physics relates to video games. You say yourself that you don't like it, so I would drop that idea and think of another approach.

Your phrasing is rather qualified and tentative in some places. For example "I would like to think I use these skills quite well" would be better written as "I use these skills well". Even better would be to use some of the words you've saved to speak about why you use the skills well.

Caveat: I'm not a US English speaker.

https://docs.google.com/document/pub?id=1nNgC_GLPao-BTbT3qKhWB0rsRNFdsS3p11kgrHyU6VM

A few grammar things. Also, use consistent tense. I think the convention is that you use present tense when talking about literature.

I have made some edits on this publicly editable google doc. I haven't had time to go through the whole thing yet, but perhaps with more hands to make light work, we can get you some help!

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BxaRdnIKiKFBVlVLTkpLRjlHb2M/edit?usp=sharing

All my additions/suggestions are in pink :) Also, it's spelled "DESCENT" not "DECENT"- don't forget to change!!!

Hope it helps :)

At first I was just proofreading this, but I couldn't stop myself from rewriting some of it. I edited your document at first, but I changed almost every sentence. If you would like to see what I finished, here you go!

I tried to make it more active present-tense, using verbs that native English speakers think are more intense, like 'fiery orange' instead of 'bright orange.'

It’s coming along nicely!

• Overall the main issues lie in wording and fluency. I suggest focusing on one point for a longer period of time.

• The concluding sentences could use a bit of work in order to both wrap-up the previous paragraph, and lead into the following one.

• Dont be afraid to use more paragraphs. It makes the essay easier to read, and it separates each point out nicely.

• The tenses are generally consistent, as are the contractions so good job on that!

• I noticed a shortfall in analysis on some quotes or pieces of third-party/external evidence you brought in.

• Generally its ideal to make a point, bring in a piece of evidence (such as a quote, or statistic) and then analyze or explain why that piece of evidence helps prove your point.

In-text citations are a must.

I’m assuming you are following MLA format, so parenthesis would be the way to go about doing that.

Make sure to cite each piece of evidence brought in so you could tie it to your works cited.

If you don't already know: Easybib is a great tool to make a works cited or bibliography for you!

Good luck on the essay :)

OK, I went over some of it. My main complaint is that is seems too opinionated, or rather, opinionated without a basis in evidence. Alongside that, it seems as if you are too personally vested with this particular viewpoint. You seem to be bent on defending it rather than objectively analyzing it.

My other thought is that you seem to want to cover a great deal of topics, but that will make for an extremely long paper. I mean, I have no idea what your assignment requires, but if it were me, I'd pick a few of the topics you mention and really focus on them rather than doing a superficial overview of all of them. But, that's just my opinion.

Oh, here is the copy I went over: LINK

I edited about 2/3rds. But I'm out of time for now, and I won't be able to get back online until tomorrow. I'll try to finish editing it then. Anyway, here's what I've done so far: https://docs.google.com/document/d/13Zl1ieBmSvuz7FzdOmxnb7_c8dinlakB34q8EEOrUjg/edit?hl=en&authkey=CP-QxZ4O

I've uploaded a 3rd draft. I need to keep this final as it needs to be sent off asap. If you have the time, I'd appreciate one final check over. Don't you have to, the essay is greatly improved from what it was.

I only have one line free out of the 47, so I need to be careful with any additions and unfortunately I had to remove the closing paragraph.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1IjXPmjSOceaClf4cAujAHRdRfpb_vTzWNtqdXjNZYhw/edit?hl=en&authkey=CIvcy9MP

Thanks for all your help! I've created a second draft, if you have time I'd be greatful if you, or someone else, could go through it again

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1p-AZchIZGchxMQNhhHiIyfkQfv14dvjApLiVVS3Rx8M/edit?hl=en&authkey=CLPt6f0G

Sorry I've been late. I'm just going to recommend a couple books that helped me a lot. William Zinnser's "On Writing Well" and Gotham Writer's Workshop's book "A Practical Guide to Writing Fiction" (yellow book). Both books are available quite cheaply on Amazon.

If you enjoy the Gotham book I can't recommend their online workshops enough. They're a little expensive (approximately $400 for a 10-week workshop), but the instruction is great and the lessons are very approachable and helpful for new writers.

And, as always, the best thing you can do is read, read, read. Subscribe to some literary magazines, read lots of short stories, watch lots of interviews with writers about writing.

Alternatively, rewriting the whole thing from scratch:

> In "It's OK," an inexorable female assassin gets awesome revenge for her early-life trauma. This neo-noir short film aestheticizes violence without sacrificing storyline for gore. It’s a thrilling tale.

29 words vs 89 in the original.

Note: I know absolutely nothing about "It's OK" (or neo-noir, or noir). I'm only going on what you've written. A total rewrite wasn't really required, but in the spirit of "The Elements of Style" I thought I'd try making every word tell.

Stephen King’s critically acclaimed novel, On Writing, is broken into four parts: C.V., Toolbox, On Writing, and On Living: A Postscript. The memoir of how Stephen‘s life and love of writing are entwined in each other, a story brilliantly and humorously told as to how he became a writer, and, after a tragic accident, how faith was restored by his loving wife to continue writing. Many authors would agree this novel can improve a writer’s craft. I have grown a new perspective on writing essays, and I believe everyone should purchase their own copy and find out for themselves.

For anyone with trouble accessing...

Strunk & White's The Elements of Style is a great book for learning how to write effectively. Buy it :)

Comments on your paper:

The ambiguous phrases/reader having to work harder to understand is because (it seems to me, anyway) you are very familiar with the material. So much so, that perhaps you forget at times to explain terms or give background to events that the reader is not familiar with? For example, you write:

>William Montgomery Watt produces an assessment of Muhammad and also addresses criticism proposed by western scholars throughout the centuries. Watt recognizes the biased perfection that had been displayed through Islamic sources while also giving counter- arguments to Christian and European writings.

Parts to clarify:

• What do you mean when you say Montomery Watt produces an assessment of Muhammad?

• What criticism was proposed by western scholars? You need to ease the reader in step by step. Here's an example of how I would write it (forgive me for my lack of familiarity with the subject matter, I'm just making this all up as I go along)

>William Montgomery Watt assesses the life of Muhammad, and aims to provide a critical and counter-critical view of previous scholarship on the topic. Many western scholars criticized Muhammad throughout the centuries, primarily by way of ... X, Y, Z. Watt attempts to address these criticisms in his excerpt by stating A, and B. However, Watt does recognise that Islamic sources display a biased view of Muhammad, portraying him as "perfect".

I think it's mostly about establishing each sentence like a piece of a puzzle for the reader. You're making a picture for them that they've never seen before, and they need all the pieces to be able to see what you're trying to show them.