What are /r/loveafterporn's favorite Products & Services?

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https://www.docdroid.net/file/download/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

A free PDF download of Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That". I think it would be a good read for you if you haven't already read it. I started reading it yesterday, and it's wonderful!

I'm an addict, but I set up OpenDNS (www.opendns.com) on our home network. This both filters out adult content and will log what websites are accessed and when, *even when using incognito mode*.

While this won't help you prove he hasn't used in a year, it may help you feel better moving forward.

Of course, he can always switch to a mobile device and a mobile data network...if he has an iPhone I'd recommend asking to see his "Screen Time" app, which shows what he's been doing on his phone for the past 7 days.

Do not stay with this man!! I promise, it will only get worse. You'll wake up one day realizing that your entire mentality revolves around him and not yourself, and you'll start to forget who you really are. You'll get lost in the fog.

Please, I see so many warning signs in your post, take this seriously.

If you haven't, please download a free PDF copy of Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?" (link below)

https://www.docdroid.net/file/download/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

some internet routers will store their own records of all sites and addresses accessed and that persists regardless of whether someone uses private browsing or not, and this will store data for every device on the network regardless of whether it's a phone, windows pc, mac, etc. it requires some amount of technical know-how to be able to bypass this logging, although it's not particularly difficult if you know what you're doing (i'm guessing that the fact PA doesn't know how to clear his DNS cache means he doesn't). so u/sadperson3628293 you can check if your router has this option if you need to look for that, you can log onto the management site for it usually by going to 192.168.0.1, 10.0.0.1, or 192.168.1.1 (try all three) in your browser and then log in with the administrator username and password that should be printed on the router.

in the event that the router does not keep logs that you can access, there are more technical snooping solutions that you can apply, such as using wireshark (i'm happy to give details about this if you want, bc i've used it before for more benign network analysis) or getting a dedicated device designed with the purpose of logging website traffic. the benefit of these solutions is that you do not need physical access to his devices and do not need to install anything on them.

the one thing is that these solutions work for home internet, including wi-fi, but they don't work for mobile data like he might use on his phone. there are phone apps specifically for that, though; the one i'm most familiar with is circle but there are others. there are also different solutions that don't directly use web logging, like covenant eyes and keyloggers. the main disadvantage of this is that you need physical access to his phone and he could potentially uninstall any software put on there (although some is designed to be harder to uninstall).

Was it this? Its not lavender but has a yellow flower. Looks like he can password protect images / photos he has on it.

https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.leminolabs.paid.incoquito

It blocks the ability to use incognito or monitors it. Its only a $1.99 on Google Play.

Thats the only way I know of to actually verify incognito use.

I use NordVPN to hide 🏴‍☠️🏴‍☠️🏴‍☠️from my internet service provider. So yes you can use it to hide activity from your internet service provider and the activity won't show up on the router. You can use VPNs for all kinds of shady stuff.

This can be used to hide what websites are being accessed but I will also say that NordVPN is a very common ad on websites and YouTube and phone games. I accidentally click it all the time and it takes me to their promo page like your screenshot.

It definitely could be something nefarious but also wanted to play devil's advocate a little!

I also started self harming again having not done that or felt the impulse to since I was a teenager.

For me, I realized the situation with my PA made me feel a certain intense way about myself that I hadn't felt since a teen. Some mixture of feeling unattractive and desperate to be seen and valued and incredibly angry. I also realized I probably never really fully addressed those issues when I was a teen.

A couple of things that really helped me:

Remembering and using other healthy coping mechanisms that I had as a teen - namely listening to alanis morisette at full volume and sing-screaming along.

Learning about Internal Family Systems - after years of therapy this was the first time I felt like there was a therapy model that was actually helping me in the long term. Here's a couple resources in case interested: Tim Ferris Podcast - IFS No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm sure the self-harm impulses feel really jarring and scary. It really freaked me out when those impulses came back after 15 years. You're absolutely not alone. Sending love your way.

Yes of course, here are the two I got:

https://www.amazon.com/Mending-Shattered-Heart-Partners-Addicts/dp/0982650590

https://www.amazon.com/Treating-Trauma-Sexual-Betrayal-Essential/dp/0977220869

I wish you and your boyfriend luck!

I cannot give you good advice OP as I’m struggling with the same issues but I want to send you lots of virtual love ❤️ you are not alone and we are here for you ❤️

Ps.: I did find some self help tools pretty useful such as the free betrayal trauma content on bloom for women, and this workbook Unleashing Your Power: Moving Through the Trauma of Partner Betrayal

Let me send you a big virtual hug OP ❤️ I’m sorry that you have to experience all this.

I don’t have the answer, but I do have something I stumbled upon here on this sub. I found this workbook very useful: Unleashing Your Power: Moving Through the Trauma of Partner Betrayal

Try to see if German Amazon delivers to your country!

And I have a question if you don’t mind. Don’t answer if it’s too sensitive or let me know if you’d rather do it in a DM, but how did your husband deal with the cross dressing part of his addiction? My boyfriend has similar tendencies, he doesn’t seem to understand them much (or he is just not being 100% honest with me, idk 🤷🏼‍♀️), and I would be very curious about how you guys have dealt with this.

Oof, my thought is that he NEEDS to be in therapy with someone who can help him unpack a lifetime of childhood trauma that has led to an unhealthy coping mechanism and addiction. I'd also recommend he read Eddie Capparucci's "Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Affects Your Sexual Addiction". I think he'd get a lot out of it.

You must be so stressed and tired having to take care of two babies and also going through trauma. I wish I lived near by to help you out!! The workbook is available on Amazon, it’s called Facing Heartbreak My therapist told me to start from chapter 4, and then go from chapter 1 after that. It’s been very helpful for me. There is also a workbook that the addict can do to help you heal, it’s called Help. Her. Heal. This one is really really good. I even read it myself and it made me easier to tell my PA how to help me and what I want. I hope this helps!!

So I used to love supper lacy things. Most things don’t fit me as I have odd measurements. But I oreder some of these nightgowns. They are supper soft on my skin. Not supper revealing but they still make me feel sexy when I’m dancing around the kitchen baking. I also ordered matching shorts (they come with tank tops). But I wear them with the little dresses if I feel like I want the but covered. And they are very short shorts. Lol. Hope this helps

Avidlove Women Babydoll Nightgown Chemises Lace Modal Sleepwear V-Neck Full Slip Sleep Dress https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07VJM699M/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_i_3PCVT4QKZZ57WHVR69KT?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1

Good job, I have found myself getting a lot more tech knowledge during this ordeal of essentially going insane and becoming my own private investigator.My partners a programmer, that kept me on my toes.

One interesting approach if anyone wants to have a very technical project, is using Pi-Hole .My partner actually set this up himself, it's where you use a raspberry-pi micro computer to block internet ads on your network. I realised that it monitors all our internet traffic going through the router, and it can block anything I tell it to.

That's the thing though..you are not in the wrong, not in the least.

Let me ask you:

did you sign up for a monogamous relationship with a heterosexual? Or did you know he was a digisexual and you were now in a polygamous relationship? No? Well, then....I would say that he may own his own life, but that doesn't mean he gets to fuck up yours.

He is cheating on you. Flat out cheating. He is lieing to you. He is manipulating you. He is gaslighting you. He is treating you like a piece of dog crap. Yes, control yourself..that sounds great...then why can't YOU?

If you are not a Domestic Abuse victim then I am a two ton truck, and that's why your still with the addict who is this abusive.

I will bet anything that you have watched TV shows where some woman is getting the shit beat out of her and your wondering out loud why anyone would stay? Or you see a news story about some woman who murdered her husband and is claiming he mentally abused her into doing it.

Take a look in the mirror my dear...your that person. Just because you don't have bruises and broken bones doesn't mean he isn't abusing you right in front of everyone. Emotional/Mental abusers are the most cunning type of 'pathics out there and you got one.

You need to wise up. Here is a book, you must read it. This is written for you. Read it all the way to the end, every word, no matter if you think this isn't your life. Remove the physical violence and every word describes your guy and your life.

https://www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Do not let him catch you reading it, he will go batshit.

Listen, if you want to get better..you will take whatever medicine that is going to heal you ...right? If that doctor, ER, or medicine is supplied by a Catholic hospital...what are you going to do...walk on by and say..sorry..no God for me today?

You AND your partner have cancer of the mind. CANCER...think on that. Most people who have cancer will do just about anything to cure it. If you have to sit in a room where some of the people believe in religion and hold a few books that use the words..."higher power" or "god of your choice"...is that really going to harm you worse then what has already been done to you?

These 12 step meetings are a proven way to better your life for over 100 years...proven by millions upon millions of addicts and their families. These groups are not about turning you into drooling church goers, they are about teaching you a better way to handle the challenges you are faced with in your every day life.

Working the 12 steps, especially step 4 and steps 8 and 9 are a foundation you can rebuild your relationship on.

Here is one of the books we use in our meetings, take a look. I have no doubt many of the stories will resonate with you. This is what S-anon is about. Learning from those who came before us.

https://www.slideshare.net/2tsvemank/read-courage-to-change-one-day-at-a-time-in-alanon-ii-pdf-books-104999336

Honestly I wouldn't necessarily suggest going to a church leader/group immediately. I'm not religious but I love the PBSE podcast I recommended earlier. They're Christian-based therapists and a lot of their episodes reference their spirituality. They do mention how religious leaders have often failed them and others in helping work through a porn addiction because most religious leaders simply don't understand how to address that sort of problem. Besides their podcast they also have a program called Dare to Connect Now that offers a weekly group session for addicts, one for partners, and one for couples together. They've also written a book called The Pornography Paradox which also might be helpful to your husband.

If he's religious I would suggest having him look into a 12 step group. They are spiritual programs where if you're not religious (like my husband) you can focus more on a higher power than a Christian god in particular but if you are religious they can be a very helpful guide. There's a great SAA online zoom meeting that meets Tuesdays (it's the group my husband attends) and there are plenty of meetings he could find (SAA, SA, SLAA, etc) on pretty much any day or time of the week to fit his schedule.

Podcast on the addiction:

https://castbox.fm/episode/The-Porn-Reboot-Podcast-Episode-52%3A-How-Pornography-Affects-Your-Childhood-id1278250-id163810643?utm_campaign=a_share_ep&utm_medium=dlink&utm_source=a_share&country=us

Changing the dns settings on the router can block most content on any connected device to the network. https://www.opendns.com/setupguide/#familyshield is one such dns provider. No cost but not supported by some routers(internet companies)

On my end I had to learn more about my body, how to take care of it, and also train my muscles to relax. Have you talked about your issues with pain with your family doctor? I honestly believe that all women are entitled to a healthy sex life. Enjoying sex is something that you are entitled to as much as all of the men believe that they are. For me boric supplements (suppositories: https://www.amazon.ca/NutraBlast-Suppositories-Feminine-Infections-Alkalinity/dp/B07RPP3G1L/ref=asc_df_B07RPP3G1L/?tag=googlemobshop-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=459470232138&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=2753862701977163320&hvpone=&amp...) have really helped with my vagina health. I've also found that training myself with lubricants and dildos has also helped quite a bit and I no longer experience the kind of pain that I used to. In conclusion, lube lube lube😂😂😂

Once through is never enough.

For example I just started a new audio book called Your Sexually Addicted Spouse. It's fabulous and I had never listened to it before. Really you have to get it and listen to it. This is exactly what I believe and where I want this sub to go with it's educational theories.

https://www.amazon.com/Your-Sexually-Addicted-Spouse-Partners/dp/0882823094

Totally validating.

:)

There are a series of workbooks I just got that have been really helpful along with companion workbook for your PA. u/Hmack1 I wonder if these could be in the resource tables?

This is all very reasonable! I think you might be asking for a bit too little, actually.

For #1, if he's taking book recommendations, Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction really helped my PA get a deeper understanding of the psychology behind her addiction. For #2, using SAA's Three Circles to define her sobriety helped us both feel more secure & have a better understanding of her recovery and way to gauge how well she's doing in it. For #3, YES, addiction thrives on secrecy. Being as open about it as reasonably possible can only help. For my PA, "reasonably possible" ended up involving her being publicly open about her struggle with addiction-- all of her friends and family know about it, and she speaks about it openly on the little bit of social media she still uses. It's definitely been a boon to her attitude and recovery, not keeping her addiction a secret anymore.

There’s group for betrayed partners to focus on their own healing. But this book may be what your looking for.

pro dependent

https://www.amazon.com/L-I-F-Recovery-Guide-Spouses-Wholeness-ebook/dp/B06X6D233W

Intimate Deception by Sherri Feifer

Boundaries and Boundaries in Marriage by Townsend and Cloud

These books have been helpful for me. Right now, I'm separated from my PA straddling the line between marriage and divorce, but I know that either way, I'm going to be ok, because I've forgiven him, I've taken responsibility for the damage I've done, and I'm going to be better for what's happened, because it catalyzed my growth.

You can move beyond the trauma, but you have to choose to do the work. I can't recommend the first book enough. Seriously, I'm a third of the way through and it's amazing how much I've processed!

https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.as.keylogger

I have read here that that one is good.

The ones that aren't free usually send you screenshots and stuff of the activity. This one you have to check on the device.

https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.as.keylogger

Didn't change anything, only records some of what's typed (it seems) or just what's on chrome or something. It's free and works good enough to bust

I found it Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Partner-Betrayal-Trauma-Douglas-Weiss/dp/1881292428/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=partner+betrayal+trauma+doug+weiss&qid=1579043049&sr=8-1

I just started reading a book that is already mind-blowingly useful in this regard. It’s really illuminated a lot of my experience with a PA, and in a way that really facilitates my own sexual satisfaction in the future.

Highly recommend! Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life

I'm sorry that you're going through so much, first and foremost. This is not an easy road to move forward on, but it is entirely possible to do with work from both parties. The most important thing for your health and sanity (and that of your children) right now is doing for yourself. Are you seeing a therapist or support group individually, and is he seeing a CSAT on his own? No real work got done in my relationship until that happened-- couple's counseling comes later, after the addiction is not active for a period of time, and there is safety established for you. Otherwise it just runs the risk of re traumatizing you.

​

Seeing your own professional gives you space to work through the emotions around everything, and yes, find the strength to make a decision about ending the relationship or not. Everything that he says/ does is simply information for you to use in whatever decision you make. Setting clear and concise boundaries about what you will and won't tolerate is the way to protect yourself and your kids-- and being willing to enforce them when he tests or oversteps. Since things are so, so fresh for you, I recommend this book as a good starting place for yourself at very least. I was given a copy/ read it while my husband was in inpatient treatment, and it really gave me a lot of hope and ability to get myself together, and it doesn't even discuss "stay or leave" until the latter parts of the book, after you have time to breathe and assess what you need to fully.

I am sorry that you felt attacked and judged as well. Anger is unfortunately a big part of healing for all of us, it's expression happens in a myriad of ways-- take what you like, leave the rest, is what I had to learn so I didn't feel hopeless when I heard (in person and in books/ forums) about the anger and see how hurt some people became.

First I want to applaud you for how in touch with your emotional state you seem to be in writing this-- a lot of what you wrote took me ages to figure out, and that is a huge factor in handling things going forward-- knowing how you feel, and what you need to be safe and cared for. Your trust is rightfully gone, and it takes time to build it back, on both parties, it doesn't come back quickly, but it can come back with consistent effort and transparency on his part.

I felt very similarly to this, and the most helpful thing I did was purchase a book, Mending A Shattered Heart, by Stephanie Carnes. I actually bought it at the bookstore while I was working through family week during my husband's inpatient treatment. The book doesn't tell you whether staying or leaving is better, it actually addresses both and the reasons for it, but it focuses on YOU, and how to get your feet back under you, regardless of what he chooses. I have read it back to front so much since that the poor thing looks awful, but it has been a comfort to me and a great reminder when I need it-- I went through with a pencil and highlighter, it looks like a textbook at this point!

As for "long term" success-- Hmack1 said it well. Addiction is a really sneaky beast, and it can rear up unexpectedly. The 12 Step slogan "1 Day at a Time" feels really angering and frustrating at first, and some days I still get pissed about it, but it is true. I had to take time to decide if I would stay, and I have, with the understanding that if he isn't choosing sobriety and disrespects the boundaries that I put forth clearly (we even wrote a contract, to be that plain!) that I was out. That felt like a safety net for me.

“Betternet VPN was created to make the Internet a better and a safer place for users all around the world. Our team's mission is to help our users bypass blocked websites, access geo-restricted content and encrypt their data when they connect to public WiFi”

That is the explanation of what betternet is. Did you have any site blockers on anything?

As for the emails, it’s just tough to say. I don’t think he would’ve had you in there if he recently put his email into anything. Sometimes they come through my regular inbox, too. And they try anything to get people to open them (mark them as rush, saying things like “I’ve been missing you” ect,)

It is odd he’s acting clueless to a charge, though.

As someone who also has a temper and can fly off the handle when talking about being accountable with my SO, I can relate.

IMO, if he's willing to do the work to be sober and accountable for his actions, he should also seek help for his anger issues. For me, I feel ashamed and upset and all the feelings when I talk to my SO about being accountable.

It is uncomfortable for me and I start to go on overload however over time I've found it does get better and I feel better because I'm able to focus and calmly express how I feel. Maybe suggest reading some books about porn/sex addiction like 'Worthy of her Trust' Worthy of Her Trust: What You Need to Do to Rebuild Sexual Integrity and Win Her Back https://www.amazon.com/dp/1601425368/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_ls1pCbD9F8SP1 It is a Christian book and he does talk about God a lot in it, but there are a lot of helpful tips for him. I was overwhelmed by how much information this book contained.

Whats the program you are using for web searching? My SO and I are looking for a good one and are having trouble looking for one.