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I just started the ACA book "The Loving Parent Guidebook" The Loving Parent Guidebook: The... https://www.amazon.ca/dp/1944840141?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share. I highly recommend starting reading it, and then supplement with meetings as you go. It has opened my eyes to a lot of misgivings I had about my inner child and about reparenting. I think you will find it useful.
Hey fellow traveler! I'm atheist so I totally feel you on the language used in the offical texts. It's one reason why I haven't grabbed any of the books yet. I'm new to ACA but have attended a few meetings so far and so can give you some resources. Firstly if you wanna attend some online meetings there are some secular zoom meetings you can attend. On the aca site you can filter meetings by "secular" and find them there. Also there are 12 step books available on amazon and other places that are made for people like us.
One that is used often in a group I've been going to is this book
Once I got the hang of secular language it was easier for me to ignore the god stuff in non-secular meetings and readings. Hope this helps!
Your feelings are valid. This book has helped me: Daily Affirmations Strengthening My Recovery Meditations for Adult Children of Alcoholics / Dysfunctional Families https://www.amazon.com/dp/0978979761/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_67X45KRN78RZZTC45SYQ ACA daily reader Best of luck! Sounds like you are right on track!
Also want to link this about nightmares- hope it helps!
Have you talked to your therapist about working on a sliding scale or maybe they could refer you to someone who does pro bono?
You can love someone and hate their actions. You don’t have to cut them off completely to gain some relief from the pain they inflict on you. It’s not that black and white. A big problem I’ve struggled with as an ACA is continued loyalty when it’s not deserved. Try to accept that their feelings are not your responsibility, and you don’t owe them loyalty (or a call, or a visit) just for being your parents. Establish and defend your boundaries (I will not talk/respond to my dad if I suspect he’s been drinking, and I don’t tell him when I visit my sister in my hometown bc I know he’ll expect a visit too). Create emotional space for yourself (wait overnight to respond, limit visiting and call time, etc) especially if communicating with them brings you more stress than joy.
And work with a therapist to process your memories and feelings in a healthy way. Mine told me my feelings of guilt and obligation are super common in ACA. I’m working on detaching from my dad’s alcoholism and learning how to put myself first in my own life/mind, realizing I can’t make him change if he doesn’t want to. This book was insanely helpful for me to understand alcoholism and what we share as ACA’s, and to grasp what to do about it. You’re in the right place, you’re not alone, and you don’t have to solve it overnight. Take your time to figure out what’s best for you.
Therapy to help you work through this. Also the book “It will never happen to me” was so hard for me to read through because it felt like it was written about my family. It’s eerie how similar our stories all are. https://www.amazon.com/Will-Never-Happen-Children-Alcoholics/dp/0345345940/ref=nodl_
I identify with relationship anorexia, myself, and while I am by no means recovered, I enjoyed David Narang's book "Leaving Lonliness". The major topics are attachment anxiety, attachment avoidance, earned secure attachment, and applying this and relating to others. I bring it up because I identify with "attachment avoidance", and I found the book helpful.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0615860893/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glc_fabc_Y24NX8P11S1G1XK86BMM
If looking for books, highly recommend:
Perfect Daughters: Adult Daughter's of Alcoholics (If female)
Both were life changing for me. I would think you could find them in a library if money is tight too. Finding ACOA has been so great for me to know that I'm not the only one out there. The hardest part of being a child of an alcoholic is the isolation and shame it creates. So it can take a long time to find out how many people have actually been through similar things, because we're all shamefully hiding our secrets.
There are also all of the Alanon materials that some people find helpful, but that hasn't fit as well for me personally so I can't recommend specifically.
Good luck! I know you'll get out and things will get better!
To add - I started to realize this about myself a few years ago, as I started doing things outside my "day job" and outside my family life that aligned with my interests and passions. Through this, I discovered I have more to offer to the world, and that I am truly GOOD at so many other things.
I also began to explore my creative side about a year ago. Drawing, painting, photography, writing ... whatever. I discovered that I have a unique vision on the world. It is one that I'm not spending enough time nurturing lately, because life has thrown things at me that I am really struggling to cope with. But I know that art and creating is really therapeutic for me. Is there something you might be able to explore for yourself?
Finally, do you have the means to see a counsellor or psychologist at all? If not, that's ok. There are a lot of tools you can use yourself. One thing I have found very eye-opening for me - I kid you not - is the book "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People." It's the kind of thing that I would never, ever, ever have read on my own, because I would have seen it as business gobbledy-gook. But I picked it up because one of my sisters read it at the recommendation of her therapist. And it helped me see from a very practical way that there are things I didn't learn as a child that are now making me much less effective in situations that mimic family dynamics - essentially, my workplace - and that I need to step back and build my foundation so that I can really see what I can control, what I can't and how to live up to the truly good person I am on the inside. There are a million copies of the book floating around, I'm sure a very cheap used copy could be had if that's all you can afford ... or even a pirated copy on the interwebz ... please just give it a try!
Same here.
ADHD is not a state of mind or a made up disorder. It's real. Brain scans show differences in people with ADHD. Left untreated often causes consistent depression.
ADHD IS about ongoing, day to day stuff though. And if it's severe enough that you posted here, it needs attention of some sort, otherwise your likelihood of living more organized will continue to be significantly diminished.
Even if you don't feel like you have ADHD, you may still benefit from looking into solutions. The most practical and helpful book (by far) that I have found is Order from Chaos by Jaclyn Paul.
The short answer is, yes.
It can be really hard to understand what’s going on with you emotionally when your caregiver was an alcoholic. They most likely didn’t validate or acknowledge your feelings because in order for a dysfunctional family to “work” they needed you to believe their behavior is normal. This book really helped me understand my own experience and how it effected me. You might find it helpful too.
Is this the book you're referring to? ACOA
I've been looking for something to read on the subject. I joined this sub a few weeks ago and have had a lot of "WTF" moments reading comments, realizing my anxiety, difficulty talking to people, especially authority figures, may actually be rooted in my upbringing.
Check out the book, The Narcissistic Family: https://www.amazon.ca/Narcissistic-Family-Diagnosis-Treatment/dp/0787908703?asin=0787908703&revisionId=&format=4&depth=1
You can read the intro on the Amazon website--see especiall p. 3 of the introduction about ACOC and the narcissistic family.
My father-in-law is a high level functioning alcoholic. My mother is just a regular terrible alcoholic. I found having a little bit of experience with both, that both are incredibly subversive. The notion that you brought out about addressing your mother's drinking at 12 and getting disbarred by your family is so painfully familiar. I found reading the book Perfect Daughters to be really helpful for me in understanding how my mother's alcoholism has affected my adult life so profoundly. Therapy has also been incredibly helpful.
If her refuses, or its above legal STAY WHERE YOU ARE. order an uber, *get a credit card to pay for an uber, and if youre a minor, talk to an adult.
You mentioned that he might not be ready for the ACA literature, but if he's interested in finding out if he's ready, this might be a good place to start: https://acachat.com/ACA12StepWorkbook.pdf
Also, I can only speak to my own experience going LC with my borderline mom, but this book helped me figure out how to draw boundaries and recognize recurring patterns, etc. Its not just for borderline parents so might apply to his situation too: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00TZE87S4/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_TWQ341BDWC98KB5B373P?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
This is a great daily reader: Daily Affirmations Strengthening My Recovery Meditations for Adult Children of Alcoholics / Dysfunctional Families https://www.amazon.com/dp/0978979761/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_0EC0X5KPMRBYVC56V7D7
Sounds like you’re on the right track! Focus on yourself and your happiness and that of your new family unit. Hugs
>It's amazing. I feel like a seriously strong woman for the first time. In those moments I know I'll be okay. ...Then some hours, I go dark and evil like this. ... I go back and forth ... I go back and forth between extremes.
There's traction or progress making in the back and forth you describe, the hard work. What you are sensing is real and you are making progress (toward or away from). Good job!
I can't control if you calm down or not, but breathing out longer than you breathe in, for a series of breaths, out through the mouth, in through the nose is very calming. There are a myriad of paths to calmness, the senses are a good place to start, sound and music are some of the most universally used.
The internet has a lot of sources of calming sound. For more strenuous circumstances, sounds that are specifically designed or intended may be more efficient/effective,. I like mynoise.net tbh, and there's so much more, as well, hang drums to classical, guitar shredding to ASMR. Your favorite tunes are an easy place to zone in on. Good luck!
Having just read this article
the situation you describe rang a bell and #20 is exactly what you did:
" Often in standing up for yourself, you'll wind up pushing against others. So, treat them with respect (and engender reciprocal respect) by giving them a verbal escape route and allowing them to save face. As an example, blame an intangible condition for a negative result, rather than their poor effort. "
So, fwiw, others have described the general process of setting a boundary without blowing people out of the water. Great job for just up and doing it!!!
And that whole list seems to have merit, imo.
You are here, you already started. Give yourself credit for showing up. here!
If you don't like your therapist, a few things you can do are - tell them about how the approach isn't working for you (trust me it took me a few therapists to realized that they worked for me - you are paying them to support you, so if you aren't happy with the work, you can tell them, and if need be they can refer you to someone who may be a better fit. This is way more common a practice than people may realize - particularly in the US - therapists will not get upset or mad at you if you don't resonate with them, or they may be able to adjust their approach).
The Complete ACOA Sourcebook: Adult Children of Alcoholics: at Home, at Work (https://www.amazon.com/Complete-ACOA-Sourcebook-Children-Alcoholics/dp/1558749608) saved my life -if you do anything, get that book. It helped me realize there wasn't something innately wrong with me, and after more than 10 years in different kinds of therapy, including trauma therapy, I am revisiting it after a series of challenging years with family members.
You are capable of making friends, and you will learn how to love yourself more and more each day. It takes time and you already are showing up for yourself by posting here. Much love to you <3
Thank you for sharing this. I'm not able to start therapy right now and am also struggling with being an ACoA while raising my son in an opposite environment from my childhood. Books have been really helpful for me and my library had this one so I've already placed a hold!
This book, Lost Connections, changed my life. It's one of the best books I've read: https://smile.amazon.com/dp/163286830X/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_fabc_10D8CDJETSYGHWP6V8FT
There’s a book called: Loving an Adult Child of an Alcoholic by Douglas Bey M.D and Deborah Bey R.N I found it so helpful, and I’m the ACoA. https://www.amazon.com/dp/1590771176/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_imm_JTYH97JQY8GQ81BGNJB5 Hope it helps.
Oh I am right there with you! Most days I feel like I’m trying to soothe all day and it’s rough. Sorry I don’t have much more! Other then mindful self compassion since you mentioned shame. That’s been helping me with the shame stuff which is such a deep hurt. My therapist recommended it since it’s written by therapists who also are dealing with shame. So it uses peer to peer language vs talking down which helps me feel less shame.
The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength, and Thrive https://www.amazon.com/dp/1462526780/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_7YHQA9Y0WVEF9PZFGF9H?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
But yeah it just all sucks we have to deal with this - so big support to you and hoping you can find something that makes you feel better
It sounds like you have an emotionally immature parent! If you have not read this book and its sequel yet, you should!
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To offer you an alternative to the ACA model, I would point you to this book - Reinventing Your Life. It is based on Schema Therapy, a well-researched model to help people identify unhealthy patterns in behavior/thinking/feeling (schemas) that prevent them from reaching their goals as adults.
The title sounds cheesy, but the material is very solid. You could also read their book written for therapists if you want a deeper dive into the schemas and ways for working on them. This would be something you could also use with your therapist.
Remember that if your mom is in recovery or relapses, both are HER choices and not due to anything you caused. You are not responsible for her actions. Two books that have been really helpful to my own healing and how I think about my own mom’s recovery: A Gift to Myself: Healing Child Within and Codependent No More
> I've mistakenly labeled lovers as my one and only, about 4 times in the past 4 years. I go in all-in, they abandon.
An exercise you might find helpful is to sit down and think hard about each relationship. Go back to the very beginning of each one, and see if you can identify the earliest signs that something wasn't quite right. Don't just focus on "big" events, try to pay more attention to the small, subtle dynamics that didn't feel quite right to you at the time.
I'm guessing that when you do this, you will find that your intuition was on target in each case, but you acted in spite of it. It can be a good way to learn to start respecting the wisdom you do have inside you, and then to act in accordance with it sooner in future dating/relationships. It can also help you identify patterns that are common in the relationships.
A book that is really great about this- identifying and then changing unhealthy patterns is this one. The title is a bit cheesy, IMO, but its based on some really solid research.
1) It looks like the above quote is from a non-official book. ACA/ACoA does teach you the skills to "detach" if that is part of your recovery, and there is no reason to wait until you do so to join an ACA group.
2) Yes, but not for free. There are kindle and pub versions of the BRB available and there is a good amount of the most important literature on the official adultchildren.org website.
3) Some people continue attending meetings long after they feel they have changed their lives in order to share their strength, hope, and encouragement with others. How long change takes is an individual thing. Some ACAs come in early in their journey, still carrying a heavy burden of denial and unwillingness. Others arrive with their feet already on the path and ready to walk it. Some people feel they need wait a year or two to get a sponsor and work the steps. Others begin after only a handful of meetings, though some of this group may stall out at step 4. There are no promises or guarantees of timing. My experience is that I made more progress in my first 6 months of ACA and ACA stepwork than I had in the previous 5 years. It was a huge and noticeable shift. If you are hungry for change and ready to sit with the pain and discomfort of clarity and change, then you should see a difference pretty quickly. Those changes also have to be maintained. You are not a broken toy that needs to be glued back together, you are a whole person learning to outgrow and replace deep survival habits that no longer serve you. Learning new ways to live is the first part of recovery, holding on to those new ways of life when things are challenging is the rest of it.
Read Pete Walker’s book, Complex PTSD. 100% your best bet. Its a bible for this sort of thing... critical inner voices, emotional flashbacks and toxic shame.
Check reviews...
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1492871842/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_wrToFbQ8WEPNY
I'm going to share a book that has a framework that might work better for you.
The title is a bit cheesy, but don't let it deter you- the book is by two psychologists who have developed schema theory and therapy. Simply, its about how painful childhood experiences can lead to enduring unhealthy patterns in adulthood .... they show you how to identify which patterns "schemas" you have... and then give you tools to change those.
https://www.amazon.com/Reinventing-Your-Life-Breakthrough-Negative/dp/0452272041
It’s also available through Amazon (Kindle, Audible, hardcover, and paperback)
Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families https://www.amazon.com/dp/0978979788/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_i5ENEbYC4TFE5
Don't know your story, but a friend of mine recommended "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay Gibson.
Really helped me to understand how my childhood (alcoholic father, bipolar mother) has affected my relationships and sense of self as an adult.