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Reminds me of a book I’m reading called Codependent No More
Glad you’re focusing on self-care and what’s right for you!
Do you feel conflicted emotions -- loving him and resenting him at the same time, for example? Feeling hopeless, then hopeful from one moment to the next? Blaming him, but then blaming yourself?
I've experienced these back-and-forth whiplash emotions, but what's worse is the overall feeling of being trapped, like "This is my life now."
I hope you'll attend Al-Anon meetings virtually or face-to-face. Lots of healthy support in this community, because we aren't about bashing our Q (our alcoholic "qualifier"), but we're all about learning how to be self-sufficient and to care for ourselves because our Q can't care for us in a healthy manner.
It helped me to read, Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie. Highly recommended!
My thoughts are with you, please take care of yourself.
Agreed! I also highly recommend Codependent No More!
>Addiction has absolutely nothing to do with you, me or anyone. It’s all within themselves. There’s no schedule or time clock that you can enforce. And if you try, trust me... it backfires because we have zero control over someone else’s life. Breaking addiction takes a lot more than love, new routines or willpower.
So true! We can't control, change, or cure someone's addiction. We can only take care of ourselves and make healthy choices -- usually that means distancing ourselves from the alcoholic, even if you can only emotionally detach because it's impossible to physically leave because of economic concerns. Detaching doesn't mean you stop loving him; it just means you stop doing his worrying for him and start focusing on your own emotional health.
I suggest that you check out Al-Anon meetings and get a sponsor. You'll learn so much about addiction! You'll get your personal power back and you'll never regret it. On the other hand, continuing to stay with him and trying to orchestrate his recovery will rob you of your self-esteem and mental health, because only he has the power to change himself. Being his care-taker and worrying about his condition more than he does puts you in the unhealthy role of being codependent. (Read Co-Dependent No More by Melodie Beattie -- it opened my eyes to what I was ignoring about myself).
I highly recommend this book: How to Break Your Addiction to a Person: When--and Why--Love Doesn't Work https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553382497/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_FLBECbJX75JMX
I totally know what you mean when you say you're addicted to someone even though you know their behavior isn't changing and it's toxic and harmful to you both. Sounds like you guys have a codependent relationship (where he relies on you a lot and you don't feel like you can establish and enforce healthy boundaries). I hope you can find some space and the support you need to get through this. You deserve much better than this.
You might want to consider "Job Corps". You have options. I would also strongly recommend Alateen or Al-Anon if no Alateen meetings are accessible to you.
Never argue with active addicts. "You may be right" is a great way to deal with drunken gibberish.
No problem! Intimacy in Alcoholic Relationships is a newer, modern book. Dilemma is a little older and the sharings tend to be more "traditional". There's also a booklet on Sexual intimacy that's out of print, but you can still find on Amazon used. That's old, too, but really interesting. If you have some old timer friends in the program, they may have this in their Al-Anon literature collection to borrow.
There's an out of print Al-Anon book on Sexual Intimacy that I've been able find on Amazon and through other Al-Anon members. You're issues are more common than we talk about in meetings.
Al-Anon is coming out with a book on intimacy. I believe it's suppose to come out in 2018.
Edit: https://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Intimacy-Alcoholic-Relationship-Al-Anon/dp/0910034877
This is abusive. I recommend this book. https://www.amazon.com/Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-Expanded-Third/dp/1440504636
It may help you to identify this as abuse and learn how to step into your own power and respond. You might also consider seeing a therapist (make sure they understand codependency). I can also recommend the book Codependent No More by melody Beattie.
I have been exactly where you are love. Your Power is waiting for you. Reclaim it now and learn to love yourself and protect your soul. There is hope.
Wow, I can't even imagine what you're going through. My dad is an alcoholic and I thought dealing with him was stressful, but my heart really breaks for you.
There are a few options you can look into for treatment without insurance. Sometimes places will offer financing, so maybe you could work something out that way. Call up local treatment centers and see if they offer any grants or if they can direct you to other resources that might be able to help. You can also apply for a treatment grant through the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA). Here is the link: https://www.samhsa.gov/grants
Check to see if you can qualify for government subsidy here: https://www.healthcare.gov/lower-costs/qualifying-for-lower-costs/
If all else fails, consider setting up a GoFundMe page for your mom and maybe even apply to get on Intervention.
I know the guilt you feel and being torn about what to do. You obviously love your mom and the sacrifices you've made and the patience you've had with her is amazing. You've already gone above and beyond what many would do in this situation. Never doubt that you did everything you could to try to help her. Please make sure that you're getting the support you need. Look up al-anon meetings in your area, and don't be afraid to talk to other people about what you're going through. I'll be praying for you and your mom.
- Alcoholic hepatitis is a serious disease. Up to 30 to 40 percent of people with severe alcoholic hepatitis can die within one month.
The Mayo Clinic has me scared shitless. Even her recent diagnosis hasn't stopped her from drinking. What is the step #1?
If I may recommend a helpful book to identify our own codependency issues, read “Codependent No More” by Melodie Beattie. Tremendously eye-opening and empowering!
Haha! We are on our last 10 pages of the book. Yes, it was too much for some folks to finish. They'll rejoin attending as we start a new book. For others, it really started to peel away some of the layers of the walls they had built. The good thing is that we only read a couple of pages and discuss...so it's deep conversation on short bursts of content once a week. A little at a time with lots of room for processing. We've been reading it since it was released...that's how long it's taken us to get through it.
Dilemma does have a pretty good chapter on sexual intimacy...but there's also a whole out of print Al-Anon book on sexual intimacy. That's also a great read. You can find it here on Amazon. Definitely dated, but also really interesting. And deals a lot with the things OP describes here.
First, congrats on getting out. Good stuff. It seems like you don't have kids either, which is amazing.
Second, what's wrong with not getting married again? As you've seen, many marriages fail. Maybe most.
Perhaps ask your therapist if she does Cognitive Behaviorial Therapy. It can help you change how you view things. I recommend this book highly. You can probably get it for free at your local library.
There isn't anything easy about dealing with this disease and I'm so glad you are there to support your kids, the best you can. I also would like to suggest some of the reading material for Alateens. I know your daughter is ten, as you mentioned, but if she is like the other alateens, she is probably more mature for her age. I'm an Alateen sponsor and the meetings and literature really wonderful and helpful. I can tell you that if you are affected than your kids are just as affected, even if they haven't shown any behaviors as such. You can purchase used literature as well because they are costly. This is the book I recommend for the younger age group: https://www.amazon.com/Living-Alateen-Al-Anon-Family-Groups/dp/0910034389/ref=sr_1_5?crid=1BASIO02S7KWT&keywords=alateen+books+for+teens&qid=1669916908&sprefix=alateen+books+for+teens%2Caps%2C183&sr=8-5.
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Best wishes to you and yours and I'm happy to answer any questions about Alateen. I hope Al-anon provides you some serenity.
Just remember, though you might get a restraining order, it will not protect you in a practical sense from him. I highly recommend taking steps to change locks, passwords to security systems and any digital accounts. Secure all financial assets as well so that he doesn't loot an pillage.
Also read Gavin deBecker's book, "The Gift of Fear," which will illuminate you further about sociopaths like your husband, how to recognize red flags, and keep you & your family safe.
You are dancing at the edge of so much trouble and I think you’re only just becoming aware of it.
You seem to know the language around boundaries and healthy relationships, but aren’t putting any teeth behind it. This guy must be pretty charming… they usually are.
There is a book that helped me a ton with seeing through emotional manipulators and protecting myself. The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker.
https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198
It was such a game changer for me; I would literally buy it for you if I could. Ignore the over-dramatic cover and subtitle, but this book really opened my eyes to how people can manipulate others - especially people-pleasers, which it sounds like you are. They can spot people like you (…us… ) a mile away and know just how to push your buttons. I can’t recommend it strongly enough for you, at least the chapter about romantic relationships/domestic violence. You will feel like a train hit you and you will see this relationship in a whole new light.
I’m a mom too. I’m not going to sugar-coat this, you are putting yourself and your kids in actual danger by interacting with this guy. He doesn’t sound well or safe to be around, and the alcoholism is no excuse.
You describe the sweet part of him as the “real him”, but you need to see that both the sweet part and the ugly cruel part are “real”. You can’t ignore it because of wishful thinking, you deserve better than this.
I truly hope you’re able to extricate yourself with as little drama and pain as possibly. I’m pulling for you!
I am sorry for your loss. I have lost a loved one with alcoholism, and I felt guilt that I could not do some things differently than I did.
After the death, I tried not to pay attention to anyone else's opinion about how I "should" feel. They meant well, but they were not walking in my shoes.
Two main things helped me. (1) Continuing to attend Al-Anon groups. This was the best grief support I could imagine, because almost everyone has been through the same thing. (2) When I felt ready, I read about the science of alcoholism -- Under The Influence by Ketcham and Ketcham. This helped me understand what was actually happening in my loved one's brain and body, so I could have a better perspective on my own role and greater empathy for my loved one.
A program friend shared that this book "The Elephant in the Living Room" was useful in talking through the situation with her grandson.
Never diagnosed but his personality changed a lot over time.. sad thing with an alcoholic parent is it’s years of slowly watching their life turn into a wreck but when things start to go wrong it can happen quite quick.
Doctors make predictions and from reading your story it sounds like your father may not recover.
Try and get him help if you can but it may do little in the long run.
Another tip I’d say is get a book like this: https://www.amazon.com/Tell-Story-Questions-Share-Thoughts/dp/1074299647
Try and get stories written down now before his mental health declines or worst.
How Al-Anon Works and Under the Influence and Marriage On the Rocks (a bit dated, but still good).
Definitely Al-Anon meetings, either in person or virtual.
Oh my God. You must buy, read and highlight this book. You will never think of your husband's addictions in the same way. The Cure for Alcoholism: The Medically Proven Way to Eliminate Alcohol Addiction https://smile.amazon.com/dp/1937856135/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_PVM3TDFGDPNVE1PF8DTR
Read the reviews. If you want to know why this is important for you to read, let's chat.
Hello and welcome. You have come to the right place because you are affected by the family disease of alcoholism.
Al-Anon does not tell us what to do, and giving advice is not something we do here.
I want to apologize it that sounds tone def, but it is one of the key pillars of our organization.
What Al-Anon does teach us is the healthy way to deal with and answer these very questions.
Have you been to an Al-Anon meeting?
One of the approved pieces of literature I have really enjoyed surrounding this topic is called "Intimacy in Alcoholic Relationships"
Remember, you are loved, and you deserve serenity whether the alcoholic continues to drink or not. That is possible with the help of Al-Anon
I was angry. I think it's normal. All those kind, serene, uplifting folks in the meeting? When they first came in, they were all angry/afraid/grieving -- just like you.
The question was, what to do with my anger. Al-Anon has helped tremendously. I began to turn that angry energy towards a dedication to my own recovery.
Besides the excellent Al-Anon literature, I would suggest Under the Influence by Katherine Ketcham. It's about the science of alcoholism and it helped me understand what was happening to my alcoholic loved one so I could gradually let go of anger.
Have you seen these Al-Anon introductory podcasts?
You can go to YouTube and search for "Al-Anon Speakers."
The basic text How Al-Anon Works is available as an audio book
That said, although it was scary to admit that alcoholism had affected my life, I found that Al-Anon meetings are not like a class where you have to be prepared before you attend. They really are like listening -- just in real time with real people, and you do not have to share until you feel ready.
This sucks. You do deserve better.
I can't offer much other than what I did when I first realized things were way beyond anything I could control.
I read If You Loved Me You'd Stop which helped me understand what I was dealing with.
But then about a month later I also realized that this was just not who I wanted to be. I lost my way trying to help someone else find theirs.
Love is hard and of course we care and want better for our loved ones. We can't force them to care about themselves but it is not sustainable to force ourselves to stick around and watch them fall apart and take us down with them. The best thing you can do for yourself and for them is to take care of yourself and that means saying goodbye.
It sucks to hear but there isn't really any closure unless you look inward. When you leave they either choose to get better (which is frustrating because you did so much and they couldn't do it for you) or they choose to find an enabler. In either case, they chose for themselves in the end.
In a way you can look at your leaving as a death for them. People are always different when they think they have more time vs when someone is actually gone. Focus on yourself, you DO deserve better and you ARE worth it.
This book::
Adult Children of Alcoholics
https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Alcoholics-Janet-Woititz/dp/1558741127
Helped me understand how growing up with alcoholics affected me.
I’d google what can happen to kids raised with alcoholic parents, or go visit r/adultchild and do some reading. There’s also this book I’ve found helpful https://www.amazon.com/Will-Never-Happen-Children-Alcoholics/dp/0345345940/ref=nodl_
I’m dating an adult child of an alcoholic and it’s been a rough road. I read the above book to try and figure him/it out as it was causing (and does cause) relationship issues. He currently attends Adult Children of Alcoholics as well as AA (he’s been in recovery for 17 years).
You choosing to stay or go is one thing if it involves no children, but raising a child in that environment is another.
Under the Influence -- eye-opening science about the disease of alcoholism -- and I see they just came out with a new 2021 edition, so I am getting ahold of it.
Focus on the cause of the drinking, not the drinking/sobriety itself.
Please remember....this is my personal experience (I am a non military member.)
The VA has gotten better with recognizing PTSD and anxiety. Often a Vets drinking stems from trying to dull crippling anxiety and symptoms of PTSD - even if they never deployed. A lot of people don't realize how traumatic basic training can be.
An example of anxiety I noticed (which even the person doing it doesn't recognize) is sleeping on the couch rather than their bed. A lot of people assume it's bc that is where they pass out after drinking, but every Vet I know sleeps in the couch bc its like swaddling a baby...small, tight, comfortable, and feel less vulnerable.
He may benefit from anxiety medication, therapy, meditation, and some "self help." Also connecting with other Vets going thru the same thing.
In my personal journey working on anxiety, ptsd, and bipolar...i have found the following 2 books helpful and insightful. It sounds like you and I had very similar childhoods, so you may get something out of them as well.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0143127748/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glt_fabc_S31F4SDE901B0N9B0CGY
https://www.amazon.com/dp/006301209X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glt_fabc_K84580E466XCRJ94CXSG
Also, don't forget to take care of yourself too. As an older sibling that basically raised my sister bc my mom was an alcoholic...we forget to care for ourselves. Lead by example :)
I too, could have written the very same thing.
I'm not sure if this will apply to one or both of you but I just read/listened to the audio book of this https://www.amazon.com/dp/0932194257/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glt_fabc_M1DXKG552J1D6GHJYS93 and I joined the adult children of alcoholics / disfucntional families subreddit and I have found it to be eye opening.
I found so, so much insight in here on what is behind some of the disfucntion in some cases.... reading this allows one to do so some soul searching perhaps.
The other words to the wise is come from my therapist who recommended taking a step back, evaluating, disengaging, and going from there . Best of luck to you.
I work in healthcare (skilled nursing facility) and typically see up to 20 nurses daily. They are ALL hard-working, sincere, skilled people who will throw themselves bodily under a patient if necessary and weep over their suffering. They fight hard for good patient care in the face of medical office miscommunication, family interference, ignorance, etc. And every single nurse I showed this mug to thought it was hilarious:
https://www.amazon.com/Funny-Nurse-Coffee-Mug-Practitioner/dp/B07HHLTQ2X
Personally I think it’s possible to be utterly frustrated abd yet still provide good care. But you deserve a rest if you’re totally burnt. Do you have a therapist for yourself? Do you have other job options if it comes to that?
Hey, sorry to hear about your situation. It can be hard to break an addiction and often times addiction takes priority over anything and anyone! It truly is a devastating disease. I know it might seem like you will never get over the heartbreak, but you absolutely will. I'll be honest it will take time and conscious effort, but if you stick with it you will overcome the pain! After going to a tough heartbreak myself and having put myself back together, I decided to write a book that outlined the process of my recovery in hopes that it helps others who are dealing with a similar situation. Many people have encountered or will encounter heartbreak in their lives, I know I certainly have and the method I outline in the book has changed my life after heartbreak and has truly helped heal from a deep wound. If you are in a toxic relationship and contemplating leaving but are afraid to feel lonely or heartbroken, or if you are currently broken up from a relationship I believe you can benefit tremendously from my book. You can find the book by clicking on this link : https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08MVB1VJL/ref=sr_1_6?dchild=1&keywords=heartbreak&s=digital-text&sr=1-6. The book is available on kindle and it’s titled “How to heal when Heartbreak is real: 10 effective ways to heal and bounce back better than before”.
Hey, sorry you are going through this. Moving on from someone we love can be so difficult, especially after being together over 18 years! Often times what hurts us is the fear of what life will be like without this person in the picture. I know it might seem like you will never get over the heartbreak, but you absolutely will. I'll be honest it will take time and conscious effort, but if you stick with it you will overcome the pain! After going to a tough heartbreak myself and having put myself back together, I decided to write a book that outlined the process of my recovery in hopes that it helps others who are dealing with a similar situation. Many people have encountered or will encounter heartbreak in their lives, I know I certainly have and the method I outline in the book has changed my life after heartbreak and has truly helped heal from a deep wound. If you are in a toxic relationship and contemplating leaving but are afraid to feel lonely or heartbroken, or if you are currently broken up from a relationship I believe you can benefit tremendously from my book. You can find the book by clicking on this link : https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08MVB1VJL/ref=sr_1_6?dchild=1&keywords=heartbreak&s=digital-text&sr=1-6. The book is available on kindle and it’s titled “How to heal when Heartbreak is real: 10 effective ways to heal and bounce back better than before”.
Books that helped me:
If alcohol is the substance, then Under the Influence by Milam and Ketcham
I can understand what you are saying here. You might enjoy this book. It gave me a wide lens through which to view my own recovery that isn’t so rigid and oppressive. I have found ways to take what I like and leave the rest in recovery and this book is part of the reason why. All the best to you!
PS. Having the insight to see how this program of recovery isn’t working for you and feeling your natural anger around it sounds pretty damn recovered to me! If you were my sponsee we would be high-fiving and cheering you on to stand in your own Power! Sending love.
https://www.amazon.com/Many-Roads-One-Journey-Moving/dp/0060965185
https://www.amazon.ca/Recovery-Freedom-Addictions-Russell-Brand/dp/1250141923 .... Oh also....this book was something I also passed on to my alcoholic family member. I think because they didn't want to be labelled an alcoholic at the time but the book goes into things like cellphone addiction, sugar etc it was an ok starting point for them and they were willing to engage with the reading.
There were still many ups and downs after this, but if relapse is part of the journey, this helped them get into contemplation for change....
How Al-Anon WorksI'm linking to Amazon because this is probably the fastest delivery, but you can also order from Al-Anon.org, or from a local meeting in your area.
Some suggested responses to drunk comments:
"You may be right."
"Hmmmm"
"Okay"
"I hadn't thought of it that way"
I can only speak to Al-Anon books:
Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage
Intimacy in Alcoholic Relationships
Sexual Intimacy in Alcoholic Relationships - this is an older out of print book, but you can still find it floating around on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Intimacy-Alcoholic-Relationship-Al-Anon/dp/0910034877
There are two free resources that I've found very helpful for having readily-available CAL (conference approved literature) on my phone: 1. An app with daily reading: Today's Hope, https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.TodaysHope 2. Al anon on YouTube: search for "Al Anon speakers", or here is a playlist of a bunch of Al Anon talks: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qfSWGjWwtA&list=PLCoNWFgxjiSUAqQrLXypU0q_1J_DPiZnU&index=1
My sponsor has often recommended listening to speaker-stories if I don't feel like reading.
I hope you find all you need!
Reading Under the Influence really helped me understand what our son is struggling with and how powerless my spouse and I are to help him figure this out. Maybe it can help you too.
> dry drunk
Thank you for showing me this term I was unaware of. I was, and still am, guilty of hoping that him abstaining from substances will mean everything is subsequently okay (no).
You're not alone in dealing with a public meltdown. I have the honor of being followed through my favorite bookstore (holiest of holies) while being yelled at by Q. It seemed like an eternity. People stared. He's never been able to explain what I did to deserve his outburst, except that it was definitely obvious and I definitely started it, you see. I'm still lowkey mortified when I go in that store (alone), but I still want to give them patronage, and I have the right to peacefully enjoy it. I made sure to buy several books that day in an effort to apologize for the staff's trouble, including this, which I will read to the kids once they graduate from board books.
I wish i could help you more.. I deal with a lot by using dbt skills.
https://psychologytools.com/dbt.html
https://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Skills-Workbook/dp/1572245131
The actual book has helped me a lot, but i had found a free pdf version while using the computer. They get uploaded and taken down regularly.. It really helps to retrain your thoughts to not break yourself down. Like if you do the best you can and failed thats okay just dont make yourself feel worse by constantly replaying what could have gone better or why you suck and that youll never succeed. That is literally the key go having a good life; training your mind to acknowledge negative thoughts and actually learning how to replace them with good ones. Everyone knows it yet we all get lost on how to replace the thoughts..like we wont allow ourselves to change them.
If i were yoy i wouldnt stop posting what happens even if you think you know what everyone will say it never hurts to have people remind you that youll get through something and that youre worth something and you deserve to be happy. And it potentially could reach someone who is experiencing something similar and help them or it reaches someone and stops them from getting into a similar situation.
My husband absolutely drinks more when I kick him out- but he has the potential to turn into an angry, rampaging maniac when he's drinking. We have a 9 year old, & last summer this happened in my son's presence. If he can't blow clean on my Breathalyzer he can't stay here.
Any aggression at all that is directed to you is already violence.
And has he hurt you? Not physically, but emotionally? Because if the answer to that is "yes," then he will hurt you, he's just choosing ways to hurt you that don't leave marks.
I only say these things because it is really dangerous to be around someone that displays any signs of aggression or violence. Violence towards animals quickly escalates to violence towards others. Verbal violence also isn't so far away from physical violence.
I once said to my ex: "You can either control it or you can't. And either one scares me." Either he can control his violence/aggression (and so is the type of person whose value system says it is ok to harm household pets - that you say are like your babies) or he can't control it, and you have no business trusting when he says he would never hurt you because he isn't in control of his behavior.
Check out this book: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
I've been in your shoes. If you're not ready to leave, that's okay. You don't need to make a decision today. But you are dealing with alcoholism in about its worst form. If you stay on this path, you will find yourself in a year stuck in the same pattern, wondering "when" he's ever going to get better. Then you'll wake up in another 5 years, and 10 years, and so on.
It's your choice whether you want to face that reality. But whichever path you end up choosing (staying or leaving), it might help and give you peace of mind to evaluate your marriage from a practical perspective and come to a firm conclusion.
This book helps you do that. It does not insist that you leave, or stay. It helps you work through your fears of both scenarios, and come to a conclusion that you can live with.
How to Break Your Addiction to a Person: When--and Why--Love Doesn't Work
I'm sorry to hear of your struggles and your moms.
When you get to a meeting, see if they have the book Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses. It's about grief and loss. I found it helpful to read and the sharing from members in the book are touching. This is what the cover looks like.
If you want to recover from alcoholism, you can begin understanding what's involved by getting with the spiritual program. Meetings and boards won't keep you sober. Start by reading the first 164 pages of The AA Big Book. To understand Al-Anon...it's the same process. Read this. Meetings won't help you RECOVER. Only the actual program will. Like all solutions, they require "learning" and "knowledge".
AA meetings are good, but you might find Al-Anon meetings much more helpful for you personally.
But /u/SOmuch2learn is right. I doubt there are Al-Anon meetings anywhere in Afghanistan. And I personally don't like phone meetings.
OK, fine. You could still read the "personal stories" section of the Al-Anon basic text.
You could look into "community reinforcement approach and family training". I think I once read in some scholarly text that it's even more effective at saving lives than Al-Anon is.
Perhaps your grandpa could personally witness your mom swallow one daily dose of disulfiram / Antabuse, plus make sure she regularly gets some naltrexone (generic / once-daily Revia tablets / once-monthly Vivitrol injections). Remember, if she hides the tablets in her mouth then secretly spits them out later, it doesn't count as swallowing the tablets.
(Note: Naltrexone isn't so cheap. The cheapest way to get it may be to get the tablets, using the Costco pharmacy or the Costco online pharmacy. You don't have to be a Costco member. Or maybe your mom's insurance [or the government] might cover it. It may not work for everyone, but it works at least for some.)
[Edit: Your grandpa might not even know that Al-Anon exists. Have you ever told him about its existence?]
AA meetings are good, but you might find Al-Anon meetings much more helpful for you personally.
But /u/SOmuch2learn is right. I doubt there are Al-Anon meetings anywhere in Afghanistan. And I personally don't like phone meetings.
OK, fine. Have you ever read the "personal stories" section of the Al-Anon basic text?
Have you ever looked into "community reinforcement approach and family training"? I think I read in some scholarly text that it's even more effective at saving lives than Al-Anon is.
Could your grandpa personally witness your mom swallow one daily dose of disulfiram / Antabuse, plus make sure she regularly gets some naltrexone (generic / once-daily Revia tablets / once-monthly Vivitrol injections)? Remember, if she hides the tablets in her mouth then secretly spits them out later, it doesn't count as swallowing the tablets.
(Note: Naltrexone isn't so cheap. The cheapest way to get it is to get the tablets, using the Costco pharmacy or the Costco online pharmacy. You don't have to be a Costco member. Or maybe your mom's insurance [or the government] might cover it. It may not work for everyone, but it works at least for some.)
I'm sorry to hear about your sad situation and am wishing you all the best, from one internet stranger to another.
I agree that mental illnesses are hard to diagnose when someone's an active alcoholic. You might be right about bipolar ultimately, but I also read your post and instantly wondered about borderline personality disorder. Perhaps you could read up on that and see if it rings true? If so, there is lots of helpful information online and books that might give you insights and advice. I've heard lots of positive things about "I hate you, don't leave me: Understanding the borderline personality" (https://www.amazon.com/Hate-You--Dont-Leave-Understanding-Personality/dp/0399536213/), but have not read it myself.
I don't have any stats about success and recovery rates, but if this gives you a little hope: my Dad sobered up a few years ago, after more than a decade of misery and very heavy alcohol consumption. My Mum stuck by him throughout his drunken years and they're now enjoying a second lease on married life. They appear to me to be more in love than ever. It is lovely to see. It took a near-death medical crisis for him to stop drinking. He's had no relapses that I know about since then. Success stories do happen.
I really loved this book but there are also many books available on boundaries; probably there's a good one at your library. Good luck.
AA meetings are good, but you might find Al-Anon meetings much more helpful for you personally.
But /u/SOmuch2learn is right. I doubt there are Al-Anon meetings anywhere in Afghanistan. And I personally don't like phone meetings.
OK, fine. Have you ever read the "personal stories" section of the Al-Anon basic text?
Have you ever looked into "community reinforcement approach and family training"?
Could your grandpa personally witness your mom swallow one daily dose of disulfiram / Antabuse, plus make sure she regularly gets some naltrexone (generic / once-daily Revia tablets / once-monthly Vivitrol injections)? Remember, if she hides the tablets in her mouth then secretly spits them out later, it doesn't count as swallowing the tablets.
Edit: Naltrexone isn't so cheap. The cheapest way to get it is using the Costco pharmacy or the Costco online pharmacy. You don't have to be a Costco member. Or maybe your mom's insurance (or the government) might cover it. It may not work for everyone, but it works at least for some.
Sometimes just saying it out loud - even if it's as an internet comment makes us feel better. What a terrible situation to find yourself in.
I want to share a book with you that explains how the disease of alcoholism effects us - those around the alcoholic. It's called How Al-Anon Works and it's really inexpensive if you order the paperback through the Al-Anon website. Here's a link to it on Amazon. Here's a link to it on the Al-Anon web store. If you drop by a group or two in your area - most will have this book for sale there as well - $6. I think you'll find a lot of wisdom in this book for you to better cope with your situation. So glad you're able to come here and vent though! Thank you for sharing.