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I've found somatic therapies based on polyvagal theory, along with an attuned safe somatic therapist, time, and patience to be the only thing to help me with dissociation.
Talk therapy actually made it so much worse! So far I've found craniosacral therapy to be helpful (works with the polyvagal theory and helps one find a felt sense of safety in the body, so you can feel safe to be present). Somatic experiencing was somewhat helpful too but it really comes down to having an a attuned therapist.
Good luck. You might check out this book on exercises and practices for safety, Polyvagal Exercises for Safety and Connection: 50 Client-Centered Practices by Deb Dana.
There is a therapist who has written a book specifically so patients can do ifs by themselves. https://www.amazon.com/Self-Therapy-Step-Step-Cutting-Edge-Psychotherapy-ebook/dp/B00452V8EG/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=ifs+therapy&qid=1626920351&s=digital-text&sprefix=ifs+&sr=1-3
In addition to the things others have said, this is the sort of thing where I find CBT a helpful adjunct to trauma therapy. There is a chapter in David Burns' book <em>The Feeling Good Handbook</em> called "How to Give a Dynamic Interview When You're Scared Stiff" that I found really helpful. There's also a chapter in <em>Feeling Good</em> called "Your Work Is Not Your Worth."
You can find these books online at b-ok.org or cheap used copies on Amazon. Your library also probably has at least one of them.
> Internal Family Systems.
Links:
- Book: Self-Therapy: A Step-By-Step Guide to Creating Wholeness and Healing Your Inner Child Using IFS by Jay Early.
- Website: Self-Therapy Journey
> But I see that one cannot change other people
I think this is the key. All you can really do is protect yourself by setting appropriate boundaries. If your family members won't respect those boundaries then you need to choose how you need to change your interactions with them. It's hard when you see damage being inflicted on others, especially children who can't protect themselves properly.
There's a quote from a book I read a little while ago that I think sums things up, even if it is a harsh truth. Here's the link if anyone's interested: https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Sensitivity-Intensity-Emotions-Sensitive/dp/1473656036
No matter how unreasonable, unkind or destructive the behaviour of others seems to you, their actions are always a reflection of their truth, and as a fellow human being, you have no choice but to let others live their honest truth. No matter how dysfunctional, the way your family members behave has to do with their own upbringing and their predicaments. Yes, their irrational or offensive behaviours do not make sense. Yes, it is not `fair' that they fail to understand or appreciate you for who you are, but life is not meant to be fair. The more you fight against the reality of what is, the more you suffer. As the Buddhist perspective suggests, in life, pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. If your family has been behaving in the same way all these years, what makes you think they can do otherwise?
Remember that true intimacy is only achieved when you can allow the other person to be exactly as they are. The more your mind is preoccupied with how things should be, the more tension you will feel, and the more distance you create between you.
Have a look at Janina Fisher's book Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors. It's about structual dissociation and also talks about therapeutic methods useful to help address it, including IFS. https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Fragmented-Selves-Trauma-Survivors/dp/0415708230
My friend with ADHD recently started reading this book for help with executive functioning. Maybe it will help you
https://www.amazon.com/Delivered-Distraction-Getting-Attention-Disorder/dp/0345442318
I had to just try different doctors. I started with stopthethyroidmadness.com, and ended up in a page with reviews of local doctors that led me to the protege of this guy.. I think if I had to do it again, I would've started by searching for functional medicine doctors, since they tend to at least listen, even if they aren't thyroid experts. They also tend to be expensive, but it's worth it if you're already desperate and throwing away money on other treatments that don't work.
I have a book on the physical side of things - my issue was discovered not in mental therapy but in physical therapy as a cause of pain for me. My Psoas is constantly sooo tight it causes a lot of trouble for me. Our body needs to fully breathe in order to fully function. And the psoas acts involuntarily as the fight or flight muscle to make you agile /strong. Also your diaphragm should act like a piston of your body to “pump” and massage your internal organs. If not often there’s problems within your bowel movements among other things. Because if your psoas is tight then probably your not safe enough to use the toilet.
I can offer a cueing if you’d like to help breathe deeper. Otherwise pelvic floor physical therapy is helping me a lot to actually Learn how to breathe fully. As I thought I knew, but lol, no I learned to breathe wrong. My pelvic floor therapist has actually taught me on what to look for and how to set up good posture to help breathe better. So whenever I’m freaking out I ground & try fully breathing.
Here’s a book I’be read for PT - maybe it could help you too.
The Vital Psoas Muscle: Connecting Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual Well-Being https://www.amazon.com/dp/1583944583/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_SHF4ARRX21XDQDZ23DXT
I finished this book the other day about someone's experience going to Peru to try Ayahuasca and it was such an amazing read. It confirmed my sense of hesitation about using Ayahuasca in a retreat setting. I would totally try it one on one with a trained therapist/ guide with a solid support system and integration plan. But flying off to the jungle to use such a powerful substance without a plan sounds disastrous. You never know what will come up, and Ayahuasca will definitely show you very shadowy material that you might not know how to process. So please stay safe with this!
I’m right there with you. If you want to dm me I can share an audio file of my somatic therapist and I doing a nervous system regulation technique involving your breath and eyes. Takes anywhere from 5-25 minutes to get your nervous system to respond.
Also you can go to YouTube and search for yin yoga or restorative yoga, I always find that really helps me when I’m feeling especially constricted.
Also if you can afford it I highly recommend getting one of these
You are welcome. She has a book on Amazon. I already order it. Let me know if you are interested in reading it. We could share comments about the book.💛
I was hailed as the queen of sleepovers among my friends. Here are my favorite tips that you can do on your own:
Make a point of staying up until midnight to "raid the fridge" for special treats! My treats of choice used to be pop-tarts and italian soda slurped through a licorice straw, or soda with pop rocks added, or toasted English muffins.
Make an obstacle course and then race through it in your sleeping bag!
Find some kid-oriented ghost stories to read out loud, or a spooky audio book, or just a silly movie. Still, keeping it slightly spooky seems to add something to this experience.
If you like to dialogue with your inner child you might even be able to invent a new game or activity together.
I remember some of my inspiration originally came from this book in case you're looking for more resources: https://www.amazon.com/Super-Slumber-Parties-American-Library/dp/1562475290
Hope it turns out really fun for you!
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062405578/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_fabc_b2zbGbB60YX65
Please don't go to her website. The book is available for free through many local libraries apps.
I don't believe everything she says, however the inflammation causing or worsening depression really works for me.
This book is phenomenal. Raising a Secure Child: How Circle of Security Parenting Can Help You Nurture Your Child's Attachment, Emotional Resilience, and Freedom to Explore
https://www.amazon.com/Raising-Secure-Child-Attachment-Resilience/dp/1462527639
It speaks in non-pathologizing terms using common English language.
Even if one doesn't have kids, this can even be a useful book for relationships and self-reparenting. It can be used to help heal oneself. It's blowing me away. Good luck.
Give this book a try:
Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors: Overcoming Internal Self-Alienation by Janina Fisher
Specifically chapter 7: Working with Suicidal, Self-Destructive, Eating Disordered, and Addicted Parts
(The anger can be thought of as a self-destructive part).
That book gave me a paradigm shift several months ago. I would have described myself similarly to what you write in this OP, at least back then.
Its main audience is therapists, but if you can get past that it's well worth the time and price.
Just found this one, which did not come up the last time I searched Google Play for "random reminders". 🤷♀️ It hasn't been updated since 2016, though. I'll try it if you will. 😉
https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=jamesmorrisstudios.com.randremind
Hi all. I just watched this short video on youtube tonight and found it insightful. I especially liked his points about how connecting with your compassion in excess can lead to negative consequences- in his case caregiver burnout. But in ours, it leads us to become people pleasers, codependents, pushovers, doormats, and so on. The book that he mentions in the video relates to death and the dying, but seems to teach a balance in general that I think some of us might find useful from a perspective and lens we haven't tended to study these things from.
The book mentioned is calledBeing with Dying: Cultivating Compassion and Fearlessness in the Presence of Death by Joan Halifax, a Buddhist teacher. I ordered the audio version of it as I have an interest in basically all the subjects mentioned herein.
Perhaps the video and/or book would provide some insight or useful tools for someone's journey! Hope you are all doing as well as can be.
I got it on Amazon. There are different models but I went for the affordable one. I’ve used it almost every day since I got it.
ProsourceFit Acupressure Mat and... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00N24PK42?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
This is the best purchase I’ve ever made. It tells you how to work with a lot of what you’re talking about, as well as how to do it without hurting your hands. As well as how to treat it off you do overwork your hands.
https://www.amazon.com/Trigger-Point-Therapy-Workbook-Self-Treatment/dp/1608824942/
And if you can’t afford it, there are PDFs on the internet.
These are great insights and ideas! I actually got a vibrating mattress pad recently but didn’t think to use it this time. Thank you for the reminder!
Peter Levine writes this while describing these symptoms in his book, Healing Trauma:
> It’s also important to note that not all these symptoms are caused exclusively by trauma, nor has everyone who exhibits one or more of these symptoms been traumatized. The flu, for instance, can cause abdominal discomfort that is similar to trauma symptoms. However, there is a difference. Symptoms produced by the flu generally go away in a few days. Those produced by trauma do not.
Also:
> Remember, this list is not for diagnostic purposes. It is a guide to help you get a feel for how trauma symptoms behave. The next symptoms that may appear are:
Thanks for writing this. I completely agree with you on spiritual bypassing. For any who are be interested in further reading on this topic, I personally liked and found value in the book Spiritual Bypassing: When Spirituality Disconnects Us from What Really Matters
I'm so sorry you're going through this. The Body Keeps the Score and Trauma and Recovery are very informative reads that you may want to look into, I know the former has a couple of workbooks too. x
You’ve gotten a lot of awesome advice already, so I hope I can add some value here. What I’m working on right now is self worth and boundaries. I recommend this book on boundaries. iirc it has a lot of snippets about Christianity but you can easily skip around it if it’s not your thing.
I find it hard to not automatically cater completely to someone else’s needs before my own, I believe, for two reasons: I don’t value myself over literally almost anyone else and I don’t know how to set healthy boundaries. Wtf is even a boundary anyway? What I found helpful is reading more about them, specifically examples on what healthy boundary setting looks like bc I didn’t have anyone to model them to me growing up.
The second piece of it is working on your self esteem and self worth. If you don’t value yourself enough, you’re less likely to be able to put yourself first. I don’t feel like I can say “no” when someone asks me to do something, even though I don’t really want to do it, because I don’t think my time is worth more than theirs (basic idea).
An exercise you can try is to get your close trusted friends/family to help you with this. Open up that you want to get better at saying “no”. Start small. Challenge yourself to say “no” to something minor if someone wants to make plans with you and you already have plans. Since it’s a trusted person, If it’s tearing you up internally you can have a vulnerable moment and just tell them “hey it was really hard for me to say no to that just now because I am afraid that ______ (ex. you will like me less). Did you like me less for saying “no”?”
Well for the longest time I had fibromyalgia (which is actually hypothyroid in most cases) and chronic migraines. But then when I graduated, I started gaining weight out of nowhere, my hair got brittle, and my periods got super intense. That's when it was obvious, but all the tests came back "normal". This is true for a large portion of people with thyroid disorder unfortunately. The tests are not actually conclusive but doctors assume they are.
So it took 7 more months for me to find a functional medicine doctor who was willing to treat me without positive test results. In that time I lost the ability to walk more than across a room, I developed so much brain fog I couldn't read or drive, and I was so nauseous I was basically bed ridden. Once I started the meds it was like night and day. It's been 9 months, and I'm still not back to where I was when I first got tested, but the meds have made a huge difference. I can walk a mile now, and I read and drive all the time.
Basically, there is no normal, and tests aren't going to tell you if you have thyroid issues or not. The only real test is to try meds and see if it helps. The risks of a low dose are almost nothing, so it doesn't hurt to try, but it's very hard to convince a doctor of that. I'm lucky because I live in driving distance from the protege of the doctor that came up with this method, and I had enough money to pay for it. I recommend looking into thyroid as a possibility. Chances are, if you have enough symptoms that you've been tested, you probably have it or another endocrine disorder.
It sounds like you might be overwhelmed at the amount of things you have to do? In that case I would list them all out, and pick one and one only to do. Then break each one into smaller tasks if need be. Only do one small thing a day. That way you’ll feel productive, and have a clear path forward on what to do the next day. And it’s at a reasonable pace so you won’t be setting yourself up for failure of you don’t get it “all done”.
If you have trouble with inner voices/negative thoughts in general, affirmations might help. They have hands down been the most effective treatment for me. Basically you’re re-training your brain to think healthy thoughts. I use this app “I am” (iOS , Android) and just scroll through the slides, and really take a second to feel and believe each one (or just scroll past quickly if it doesn’t resonate).
In the beginning I just journaled affirmations on my own, though. For example when I was feeling anxious, I would think, Ok, what is wrong here? I don’t feel safe for some reason? so I would write down “I am safe” over and over, and believing it too, since in this moment, I am safe, no one’s attacking me, etc. But it can be easily customized to whatever your brain is trying to make you believe, that you know isn’t true. Another example, when I have trouble sleeping, I use “My body knows how to sleep,” and “I deserve rest”, etc.
I found Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life to be the most complete work on boundaries. Separate chapters dedicated to setting boundaries with yourself, your family, spouse, children, work, etc. The authors have a background in Christian-based therapy practices so they talk about how God has boundaries and wants people to have boundaries too. There's even a chapter on setting boundaries with God. There's some scripture quotes throughout the book that the authors felt support God's desire for people to have boundaries. I found it wasn't particularly preachy though, which I thought was good as someone who isn't Christian, but nonetheless recognizes Christian influence in my country. They even acknowledge how Church and supposedly good Christians can pressure people in ways that can be manipulative and discourage healthy boundary setting. I think it even does a good job of offering a healthy perspective on how setting healthy boundaries with people can be good for them too.
As a non-Christian, I felt I was able to see how God, heaven, and hell could be used as metaphors for healthy boundaries after reading that book. God is you/me, heaven is our home and life, and hell is where people who aren't invited into our home and life go when they don't respect our boundaries.
So Really small and organized, fits your palm :-)
I've found mine through my partner who had various small boxes for storing small electronic pieces. So the hardware shop might also bring ideas.
It'd be great to find one made of tin, or aluminium, I thought of browsing military emergency kits and such.
> For the most financially precarious (an ever-widening sector of the population), capitalism creates a state similar to the psychological domination that can occur when people are held in captivity. Psychological domination is more likely when 1) the threat is unpredictable and 2) there are periods of relative safety amid the chaos and abuse. Psychologist <strong>Judith Herman</strong> observed, “The ultimate effect of [psychological domination] is to convince the victim that the perpetrator is omnipotent, that resistance is futile, and that her life depends upon winning his indulgence through absolute compliance.” Certainly the psychological impact of capitalism fails to reach the severity of a person whose basic right to freedom from harm is taken away. Rather, my argument is that capitalism is more precarious than reliable, creating conditions that are often inhumane and that lead to traumatic stress.
Have you come across this book? https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Shame-Binds-Recovery-Classics/dp/0757303234/
I can highly recommend it. It talks about religion a bit, which may or may not be your thing. The book is great though.
It takes you through the origins of shame, defense mechanisms against shame and what you can do to help heal your own shame.
I think I see where you're coming from.
IFS is the wrong approach for this kind of thing because it's too cerebral. Your strategy (hating the needy parts of you so you can get on with life) is not based on explicit memory, but rather procedural memory. It's stored in the same location as your ability to ride a bicycle. If you could've solved this problem with logic, you would've solved it a long time ago.
Also consider that your strategy is still useful. I'm honestly so tired of that old, CBT-ass adage of "Your behavior was vitally important for your survival in childhood, and it's not anymore, yet you're still doing it because... habits, probably??" Which entirely hand-waves the question of why and how precisely that "habit" was built in the first place.
Consider instead that your behavior wasn't for bare survival, but for getting a need met. It was SUCCESSFUL in getting that need met, it is STILL successful in getting that same need met in your present life, and you're not going to drop it until you find strong evidence that you can get that need met in a different way. Some therapist telling you to hug your inner child because, well, you just oughta? Not strong enough evidence.
So on a more practical note, to actually access the roots of those behaviors, you can try attachment repair, or memory reconsolidation. There's books on those topics by Daniel Brown and Bruce Ecker, respectively, but they're aimed at clinicians, and I don't know if there's anything in the way of workbooks for the general public. Try googling "daniel brown ipf" or "bruce ecker coherence therapy" for a start and you'll find a bunch of interviews by them, they can explain it better than I ever could (but I can try going into more detail if you want)
I have one of these lying around just about everywhere and it really helps prevent me from skin picking. Embroidering (I got this starter kit) helps prevent me from hair pulling, though I'm really far from recovering from trichotillomania completely. These are the things that have helped with battling the BFRBs I developed as a preteen to deal with the trauma.
something i've since read and really got a lot out of was the book titled
how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk
warning, the examples of bad parenting in there are highly triggering to me personally (it's like the person is yelling at you) but they are easy enough to pass by and it really was a super helpful book.
I first learned about boundaries from this book by Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend. It’s written from a Christian perspective so there’s a lot of scriptural references, but since our culture is pretty influenced by Christianity it’s cool to see how Jesus himself and even the good Samaritan practiced boundaries. Jesus had a small circle of friends and only shared certain mysteries with his closest friends, the 12 disciples. And on the mount of transfiguration, only Peter and John (his two closest friends) got to see him all glorified before the cross, and he told them not to tell anyone until later. And finally, John who was his most beloved, was the one who received the vision for the book of Revelation. Pretty fantastic imo. The book has more examples of just real life people the authors have worked with. It’s nice to see how people who have burnt themselves out serving others can learn to take care of themselves and their families first. It’s better to operate and give cheerfully out of abundance (emotional and physical) rather than struggle to please others in poverty.
I found Unf*ck Your Boundaries by Faith G. Harper to be helpful when I was first starting to examine my boundaries, and how to be far healthier about setting and enforcing them.
Hey friend, just saw your post and felt called to respond. In currently studying with a teacher who went through a kundalini awakening and wrote about her experience in this very insightful book. Perhaps it could help you: https://www.amazon.ca/Angel-Called-My-Name/dp/8085905450
Awesome, I like this framing. This also sounds like Donald Kalsched's theory on dissociation and trauma, from a Jungian perspective. From my experience healing, the descriptions for the experience.
https://www.amazon.com/Trauma-Soul-psycho-spiritual-development-interruption/dp/0415681464
Focusing has been probably the single most helpful thing I learned about in my healing journey. It allows you to touch in with the unique fingerprint of your trauma, which may not necessarily fit any of the theories or literature or narratives that have been posited about it. I've found that the things that affected me most deeply are very subtle, personal aspects of my experience that aren't "captured" by a lot of the theories out there in psychology.
I also recommend reading Gendlin's original book if you haven't. He has a slightly different perspective to offer than Cornell and a slightly different way of teaching the process that is no less helpful. There is also a lot of video clips of Gendlin online on the Youtube channel of Focusing teacher Nada Lou. Some of it is more philosophical in nature (he was a philosopher rather than a psychologist), but I have always learned something from him.
Cornell went on to create an elaborated form of Focusing called Untangling with her colleague Barbara McGavin, which adds working with "parts" into the Focusing process. It's similar to IFS, but slightly different understanding of parts (e.g., parts are not permanent entities, but rather ongoing threads of the whole process of a human being that want to complete themselves in a forward direction). It has been some of the most profoundly healing and powerful material I've come across. Unfortunately, the only way to access the Untangling material right now is through a few expensive courses/retreats at the moment, but Cornell and McGavin have mentioned they are writing a book, which I hope they will release for the general public.