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Oh boy. Just based on what you've written, what I think she's really saying is "You still love me, right?" To her, love may only have manifested in dysfunctional co-dependent behaviors, so if you're not in this cycle with her, it must mean you don't love her. That's clearly not true and you shouldn't feel bad about it. It's a problem with her processing, not with what you're doing.
There's no easy answer for you here. If you want to try to unpack and heal this relationship, you can try family therapy for the two of you. Or individual therapy for you - if you change your reactions, it could break the cycle.
If that's not an option, you can try to just breathe and slow down in the moment, and reflect back at her. "Mom, what I hear you saying is XYZ. Why do you feel that way?" And just stay calm, don't react, just keep asking her questions and reframing her answers, and reassure her that you love her.
If you just want to keep your head down and get through this, then just "gray rock" her - tell her you're fine, there's no issues and of course you care about her. Talk to her about innocuous details of your life, but not anything deep or important.
Last, you need to find some coping mechanisms that work for you, since you're not getting any meaningful support from anywhere. (Which absolutely sucks and I'm sorry.) Physical exercise, mindfulness meditation and read some books about healing trauma, like The Body Keeps the Score.
Good luck!
HOMESTEADING in the CALM EYE of the STORM: A Therapist Navigates His Complex PTSD is Pete Walker's "autobiography" talking about his life after having abusive parents. If I have childhood trauma, it definitely falls in the vein of "was it or wasn't it?" and I found the book very enjoyable. It's less clinical than his psychology self-help books and is therefore more relatable.
You might enjoy reading it too.
I've been rereading Mindsight by Dan Siegel. In the second half of the book he describes sessions with his clients to illustrate his points. One of the stories sounded similar to yours. The book is about using what's been learned through neuroscience to guide therapy; focusing concentration in ways that stimulate the proper areas of the brain. It may be helpful in directing your sessions.
Was it this one by any chance? If not, I would not recommend buying it lol. I honestly didn't make it through the intro. It seems like so many of these books are intended for temporary things, not chronic conditions, but even with that, it sounds very judgmental. Hope you find something better!
I’m really good at shutting down, as well. I started out that way, describing how I feel (or at that point, I felt so numb, I think I was describing how I think I should feel). At some point, I got that it was okay to feel, and then I started to feel again. For me, a lot of it was detangling my anxiety and depression from “me”. Visualization helps a lot with me. this really helped me.
A goal of mine for therapy in the beginning was just feeling again—I was so burnt out and anxious I had shut down a good bit. It’s been the little things that I started noticing to measure progress.
Something that helped me get in touch with my feelings was a CBT workbook for depression (this one. Finding time to explore my feelings myself and then discussing them in therapy helped me to break through the ice.
If you don’t mind my asking, why did you start going to therapy?
https://www.amazon.com/Running-Empty-Overcome-Childhood-Emotional-ebook/dp/B009VJ4B4C
Go enrol in new hobbies, group classes, etc. so you can build a group of friends around you. It's hard work and takes years but is so worth it.
A few books for you so you can heal (it's up to you): https://www.amazon.com/Running-Empty-Overcome-Childhood-Emotional-ebook/dp/B009VJ4B4C
Absolutely. This is common - you are not alone. We were never taught our emotions so we do not know how to label them properly now. They are a jumbled up tsunami swallowing us whole every second. You CAN help it though.
DBT therapy - VERY helpful. There are Youtube videos and workbooks
Games!they helped me immensely because I could not name an emotion
When that tsunami hits, try not to react. Try to label what, how you feel, then let it wash over you and try and label the next wave and let it wash over you. The thoughts and emotions come and you can experience them but they do not overtake you. Good luck. Your feelings are valid.
There's not one single thing you can do heal from this... Unfortunately it takes many approaches from many angles to be able to build up a strong enough self esteem, reduce the toxic shame, learn how to express your needs with pride and not shame, etc. It may be hard but it is well worth it. This book will provide you with a practical guide and resources on HOW to r/HealfromYourPast
<em>Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving</em> by Pete Walker
> Pete is a "general practitioner" who specializes in helping adults recovering from growing up in traumatizing families, especially those whose repeated exposure to childhood abuse and/or neglect left them with symptoms of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder [Cptsd]. He has a great deal of recovery from his own Cptsd, and his professional approach is highly enriched by his own 40 year journey of recovering.
Taking TAS-20 test can pinpoint CEN as a root cause. How do you process things that you have no memory of ? Amazing question. The specifics of the experience that caused CEN are forgotten but the response to CEN are wired within the sub conscious as a defense mechanism ( As they say "The body remembers" ... Kind of like muscle intelligence ). For example : I was nervous with a few things
- Becoming vulnerable
- Getting nervous when folks confided and became vulnerable with me ( I lost a girl friend because of this ... She was revealing some of her deepest thoughts and while my heart wanted to engage, my mind shut her off )
- Touch made me nervous
- Afraid of making deep eye contact
I would STRONGLY RECOMMEND the book "The emotionally absent mother" ... https://www.amazon.com/Emotionally-Absent-Mother-Healing-Getting/dp/1615190287
For me its been a LIFE SAVER from CEN Trauma...This $40 book is sooooo healing. Some day I want to meet Jasmin Lee Cori and hug her !
Have you heard of the term "Emotional Incest"? What you're describing is the very definition.
I had a similar relationship with my mother, and if you're into reading, this book really helped give me perspective (don't let the title deter you):
I recommend reading Lindsay Gibson's books on emotionally immature parents. It really helped me deal with this exact issue.
I can't know you or the details of your situation. But the way you describe yourself sounds familiar; like I've been where you are. In my case I discovered that I'd been caught up in exterior, superficial concerns. When I use a meditation technique to connect with what's underneath all the mental noise the sorts of issues that you've described lose their significance. I think I gain some appreciation for my self-worth. Since you seem out of options it's worth looking into. This is a good place to start.
I thought this was a really thoughtful reply (although I did not get a chance to read OPs post before it was deleted.)
I was looking for the book you recommended to download a sample on my Kindle app, but could only find the book below on Amazon.. could this be it?
Transforming The Living Legacy of Trauma: A Workbook for Survivors and Therapists https://www.amazon.com/dp/1683733487/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_7AWBXV0RGBBFYW92JK45
For stains in the toilet bowl, pour a cup of bleach in there and leave to soak for a while before scrubbing with the brush and flushing. Bleach is also excellent at removing coffee stains from light-coloured mugs - just let a teaspoon soak inside there with a bit of water and then scrub the mug. I love these wand things for cleaning dishes on the go - if you can find them where you live. The soap lives inside the wand so it's so much easier than having to squirt soap onto each dish that you want to wash https://smile.amazon.co.uk/dp/B09Y36GSWC?ref_=cm_sw_r_cp_ud_dp_WMT8J4QG6T84HRQWJ063
Get scouring sponges for your dishes and counters.
Always dust with a damp cloth otherwise you're just sending dust into the air. You can also wipe plant leaves with your dusting cloth.
I grew up in a messy, cluttered home (not dirty, but never visually appealing all the same) so I didn't have that many innate cleaning skills, though we were expected to tidy our rooms every so often. But I value tidiness and having an attractive home, so it's something I try to focus on and I've found I actually really enjoy it! Washing dishes is meditative to me. I love folding warm laundry and really like cleaning and scrubbing surfaces like counters and stove tops and making them look like new. Vacuuming is also very satisfying. Fck cleaning windows/glass though - I hate that 😂 But it's a necessary evil I guess - I usually spray on a glass cleaner/window spray, clean with a sponge and then rub dry with old newspaper wadded up- this avoids streaks and gets you a nice shine. If you live somewhere with a lot of lime in the water (hi London, lol!), you will need a special limescale bathroom cleaner for your shower door, if you have one.
Are you into books? I finished one the other day about moving on from the past by shutting down the thinking we learned in childhood (and other stuff). It shows you how to move into the life you were born to live. It was really good! Take a look at it here maybe?
Are you into books? It sounds like your mother was narcissitic and controlling I finished one the other day that explains a lot of stuff, including narcissitic parenting and how they shut down the needs of their children, It's about finding your true needs in life. It was good! Take a look at it here maybe?
It sounds like this was your way of dissociating. It takes time to replace that habit. For me, it was daydreaming nonstop (sometimes called maladaptive daydreaming). As I had more distance from the source problems, I was gradually able to set times of day that I would allow myself to daydream where it wouldn’t interfere with my daily functioning. Now, I daydream at night like telling myself a bedtime story, and they are interesting but not anxious.
Be kind to yourself. This takes time. If you are in a place where you can get therapy, consider it.
And because I can’t help myself in every comment, I’m going to, once again, recommend this book.
Oh the sheer amount of fantasy conversations! They are part of our healing fantasies. If I say exactly the right words at the right time, the other person will feel the truth like a ton of bricks and the relationship will be transformed.
Ah okay. Do you need to know the source of the trauma in order to do self-parenting? Part of my problem is that I don't know what it is that my parents did for me to disconnect.
Thanks for the link. How is it that you get in contact with the different parts? Part of me thinks that I'd struggle there as when doing inner child meditations I've never been able to find/see/connect with my inner child (which imo is due to the disconnect I have) and so I'm wondering if it'd be the same when trying to find/get in touch with the different parts. Also when you were learning about self-parenting, did you mainly use reddit? Or how did you go about doing it? There's a pdf of this book https://www.amazon.com/Self-Parenting-Complete-Guide-Conversations/dp/094205525X#customerReviews online which has decent reviews that I'm thinking of maybe reading as well
Yes it's really disturbing and incredibly hard to accept that someone who is supposed to love you can actually hate you and begrudge your existence. Not all mothers love their children. Here is a book that helped me
https://www.amazon.com/Mothers-Who-Cant-Love-Daughters/dp/0062204343
There are always some kind of expectations, whether you are cognizant of them or not. Actually, you are more likely to be disappointed if you aren’t consciously aware of what you subconsciously hope to happen or of subconsciously expecting other people to act the way that you would in a similar situation and under similar circumstances.
That’s probably the root of it for a lot of us - falling victim to unconscious bias about the character and motivations of other people, or of projecting our past (people, experiences, etc.) onto the new people, places, environments, and experiences which consciously or subconsciously remind us of these other things from our past, and expecting the same types of behavior and outcomes.
There’s an interesting book on this topic - <em>When the Past Is Present</em> by David Richo.
> "Externalizers are the easy children to spot in a family system: a kid who blows up over nothing, a teenager who keeps getting in trouble, an adult child who causes problems. Whatever their issues, externalizers are always the ones in the foreground of their parents’ concern. Their parents devote more energy and worry to them than their other kids.
> Internalizers often appear to need less attention and nurturance than externalizers because they rely on their inner resources. Being internalizers, they’re embarrassed to ask for help and instead try to solve problems on their own. They hate to feel like a bother. This makes them low-maintenance children who are easy to overlook. For busy or preoccupied parents, this self-reliance may invite neglect. Parents may think their child is getting by just fine without much attention. Indeed, self-contained internalizers do seem to get by on less attention; but this doesn’t mean they can get by on emotional neglect.
> [...] Emotional neglect can make premature independence feel like a virtue. Many people who were neglected as children don’t realize that their independence was a necessity, not a choice."
Copied from Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson.
Lindsay Gibson has 3 books about Immature Parents, and they are all great.
Her latest one, Self-Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents launched last September.
thank you
is this the book with a CD, and has an early exercise with a rope for boundaries?
if so, i tried but it was early in my journey
Yeah, no problem. I’ll have to check out Coursera, too; hadn’t occurred to me to look there for this type of education… thanks for the suggestion!
One, ok two, more resources which I found very helpful are Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg and Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson.
Before those two though, in terms of improving communication in general, I found the material typically taught in Interpersonal Communications classes incredibly helpful. It looks like this book does a good job of it and then some (on my to-read list).
I highly recommend this book which was the starting point for my journey to wholeness.
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love
by Amir Levine, Rachel Heller
https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139
​
But then the book Running on Empty mentioned above provided a giant leap forward in my journey!
“Mother Hunger” is specific to mothers failures in caring for their daughters, but provides a lot of good framework on the responsibilities of a parent (guidance, nurturance & protection), and the physical/emotional consequences when they are absent. https://www.amazon.com/Mother-Hunger-Understand-Nurturance-Protection/dp/1401960855
Ok, besides “Running on Empty”, get your hands on these two books ASAP:
Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, and Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson
Without self discipline, No one cant reach There goals. You must be discipline. You have to follow some technique. You can follow a step by step video tutorial to build self discipline. Check It here: Self-Discipline Mastery - Build Mental Strength To Stop Making Excuses, Reach Your Goals
These are two of my favorite books that combine psychology, neuroscience and mindfulness and offer practical advice for using focused attention to target areas of the brain.
This is the one I just ordered. I haven't used them yet
I use this
one. I've been using it for some years now. There are newer Bluetooth ones I've never tried because the wire is not an issue at all and Bluetooth annoys me sometimes. They last me about a year, then I just get the replacement speakers and slip them into the headband.
Practicing yoga/kinestretch regularly has helped a ton (2-3 classes a week). I also do float tank meditation and get trigger point/myofascial release massages monthly. I recently just bought a neck pillow from my massage place and it's awesome. It gives the cervical spine a bit of traction and has really helped. I try to lay on it for a while each day. I also have a couple different firmness foam rollers and Davinci tools to work out knots and help massage fascia.
Our body is very adaptable to how we use and load it. When I don't do my yoga/kinestretch, when I'm not using my foam roller and other tools, my body doesn't do well. My brain is stuck in hyper vigilance and takes over my body causing all these physical issues in my upper back and neck from "bracing for abuse" all the time. My body expects to be abused so it tenses up in anticipation for it. It takes a long time to undo that expectation. And when my body is tight it creates a negative feedback loop. My body is tense, so my brain gets more hyper vigilant. It takes regular practice to break the loop and help my body feel safe.
When I physically release muscle tension, my anxiety lessens alongside it. I have to do something for my body every day. It's the only way to rewire my brain and body for more optimal functioning.
https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Back-Pain-Mind-Body-Connection/dp/0446557684
This book’s advice, including to seek psychological therapy for repressed rage, changed my life. I’d suffered almost five years of severe neck and upper shoulder pain by then. I had a series of nerve root ablations that hardly helped at all and two years of weekly physical therapy that worked temporarily (a few days). The pain caused insomnia too. I was a mess and suicidal. Then my physical therapist recommended TheBody Keeps the Score, I sought out trauma-focused therapy and read and applied Sarno’s book’s advice to my pain. Within four months my pain was completely gone. I didnt believe, going into therapy, that therapy would work—or that pain could be caused by emotion. I was wrong. Four years later, and now no contact with my abusive mother, I remain pain free. It comes back briefly if I get very stressed but if I apply Sarno’s principles it gradually goes away. Also, EMDR has helped reduced my physical reactivity.
I feel very lucky.
It's the book that got me interested in neuroscience and early brain development. If you search Amazon for Dan Seigel it's an impressive collection. I have this book which describes how he's brought together experts in various fields to collaborate on interpersonal neurobiology. These are some of the results from that effort.
I think it's common for those of us who were neglected to have sketchy childhood memories. The confusion and isolation can be so traumatic that we repress the experiences. Dissociation is typical response.
Connecting with yourself in the present is something you can start right away. The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle might inspire you to start making the most of the moment. Some mindfulness meditation might be a good place to start. As you become more comfortable with yourself repressed memories may resurface and give you a more complete picture.
The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength, and Thrive https://www.amazon.com/dp/1462526780/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_fabc_yIJYFbYYDXRD6?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
I'm glad to read that your relationships have improved.
And the reason you're alive is because you're spiritually strong enough to realize that suicide is the coward's way out. I know that there is life after death, so whatever hell you're in when you die, that's where you'll go after you leave the body. I know Earth is the perfect place to resolve it here and now.
There is one book I read that was truly excellent in regards to emotional neglect... Running on empty (Amazon link below)
What I learned from this book was f***ing mindblowing (excuse the language).
the one powerful thing I learned was the w*e are more affected by the things we DIDN'T get than the things we did get!*
So, technically, being constantly abused by your parents is "better" for the child than the parents "not being there" or "not being around". In other words, the critical factor is attention. I know that sounds amazing, but this was the case for most of the author's clients.
There is the old English saying "the sins of Omission are greater than the sins of Commission" which means the same as the bold sentence I mentioned above.
I think you would love this book, and it may even make you cry with sheer joy of finally being able to relate and see what was missing, like I did.
I would whole-heatedly recommend it.
Please keep in touch and let us know how you're doing.
And as estrangedjane suggested, please get at least some form of professional help for therapy. Please!
Look into DBT, I've heard it's better for us. And get NonViolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg and the workbook, too.
It's a compassionate communication framework based on observations vs evaluations, needs, feelings, and requests to have needs met. I first listened to it on my library app and then bought the paperback and workbook to go through. I'm still working my way through them, and it revolutionary coming from an emotional neglect background. Blew my mind entirely.
Neuroplasticity is in our side. I do weekly infra slow fluctuation neurofeedback, which helps your brain train itself for more optimal regulation, it's a game changer. I'm very lucky to have access to this treatment modality.
Before I realized I was traumatized one of my friends bought me The Brain that Changes Itself all about neuroplasticity. It helped me start my brain training in my own.
We go through four stages of knowledge and skills leveling-up:
unconscious incompetence - we don't know what we don't know
conscious incompetence - we become aware of knowledge and skills we are lacking in. This can be a mild, oh! Or a crushing realization, as my abuse awareness was.
conscious competence - we can consciously practice strategies to level up our lacking skills and knowledge. It take intentional practice to level up. This is where we can use neuroplasticity to help us level up.
unconscious competence - we practice so much that our subconscious is leveled up to the point it can execute competently without out conscious awareness. Many people have bike riding and car driving leveled up to this point.
Having an awareness of these levels helps us keep practicing as we are gaining competence.
I layer a ton of modalities to involve the most neurons possible in my healing. Original hot yoga, talk therapy, ISF neurofeedback, trigger point/myofascial release massage, float tank meditation, sound bath meditation, reiki, internal family systems meditation, infared sauna, lots of reading, etc.
Build a tool box full of strategies that help you do your best under the circumstances. And keep in mind that your best and the circumstances are always changing. You got this! I believe in your ability to heal yourself.
You are very welcome! Emotional neglect and Emotional Blackmailcan be difficult to point out. I found that it helps me to have ways to attack the behaviors and not the person. But first I have to define the behaviors.
I recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Silently-Seduced-Parents-Children-Partners/dp/0757315879. See if you identify with the stories in the book. It might explain your situation