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Yes! Everyone please read Come as You Are <3
For those looking for recommendations, I found these silicone ones on Amazon and they look really great and reasonably priced.
The ones I have are the Dr. Berman set,but I would have preferred something softer like the silicone ones.
This is the set I have! I got them for around $30. Unfortunately, the price seems to fluctuate a lot, looks like they’re selling for over $50 now…
https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B01CYQCNUW/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_apa_i_9oGoEbWJRR4ZJ
Hey, I feel for you, my gyno recommended me this book at the start of the process.
https://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Orgasmic-Sexual-Personal-Program/dp/0671761773
It helped me to get in touch with my body and sexuality in general, so i was not preoccupied with the dilators. It put a lot of things into a perspective. The during the process she also recommended not to be so focused on the dilators but to use fingers aswell.
CalExotics Inspire Silicone Dilator Kit, Pink https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01CYQCNUW/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_fabc_EdzPFbK0M0BNR?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1 This is the set I’m using now and I can get the last one in with a little discomfort like super slowly. I never had trouble with the first 2 sizes tho. I’m focusing on using the last 2 sizes. I like this set because it’s a little softer and shaped different. I wanted to use this until I’m comfortable and then try the other set again because I think the last one is bigger in that set.
I got this one!
I know some people prefer the softer silicone ones (Intimate Rose brand), but it’s up to your preference/budget. Also, Slippery Stuff lube is the best for dilating imo because it’s thick and gel-like :)
I havent found a great widget yet that you can access for free, unfortunately! My favorite app in general that I used for months is called "Productive Habit Tracker". It's on both iOS and android.
Amazing!! I had a similar experience to you, I could never insert a tampon or a finger. When I finally inserted a finger earlier this year it was a massive confidence boost, I felt like if I could do that the rest would come with time and practice. Now I've been able to use the first three of these dilators.
It can be easy to call it a small victory, but I think it's actually a really big one. Congratulations and go easy on yourself. You can do it :)
Are you a mind reader?? Thanks for this! Did you measure the 0.8 or are you estimating visually? I love the style.
Additional recommendation to add to yours:
This 5"ish vibrator is 1" exactly at the widest point but tapered so it's a bit easier, and super nice silicone. I find the vibrations can help with lingering muscle tightness if you kinda massage the tight spots of your walls. Feels odd but not painful and the reflex kind of melts away. Big help moving up past 1" for me! Plus it's a super soft beautiful silicone vibrator so it's also nice to have.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07MM34YQH
Downsides:
Stupid magnetic charger is finnicky if you bump it while it's charging
No memory for your last setting, but there's only 7(?) so you can flip through quickly
I would kind of love to make a thread for these broken down by verified size and function in the OP as recommendations come in. We could save future users having to constantly dig through pages for dimensions and having all the really realistic or fetish dildos in their face if that makes them uncomfortable. I think it would be a small collection though lol.
When I first tried to have sex and failed, I blamed it on anxiety. For me, it ended up being vestibulodynia and hypertonic pelvic floor muscles, not anxiety. I would recommend that she go to a doctor who knows about vaginismus or vulvodynia. They should be able to give her an idea of what's going on. My doctor knew right away that I had some issues when I had a pap smear, and she referred me to some specialists.
I would recommend the book When Sex Hurts. Also would recommend buying a set of dilators and water-based lube (Slippery Stuff is a good brand). She can try to meditate and relax comfortably on her own and then try to insert the dilators, which start off really small (fingertip) and increase to penis size.
"It wasn't going clearly in and out, felt like a maze." This actually seems "normal" to me haha I feel the same way about mine.
OP, I'd love to have you try one of our brand new VWELL Silicone Pelvic Floor Kegel Exerciser 5-Piece Sets! Completely on us, feel free to DM us! https://www.amazon.com/Silicone-Dilator-Exerciser-Trainer-Complete/dp/B08MT4VWGX/ref=sr\_1\_1?crid=1IUVGGY4OXO0E&dchild=1&keywords=vwell+dilator&qid=1625857851&sprefix=vwell+di%2Caps%2C236&sr=8-1
Here are the answers from others about physio.
If you're interested, this book is full of medical information, diagnosis and treatment. It's fairly clinical, so if you're looking for a book that helps your state of mind, Come As You Are is a great read.
Check out my posts for online resources or product recommendations, and best of luck to you!
How about these? I think these are everything I wanted in a dilator when I was doing it, too bad these didn't exist back then
I've been browsing and found this silicone set on Amazon and I think they look perfect.
definitely the silicone ones because they’re softer and more comfortable. here’s the link to the ones i recommended: https://www.amazon.com/Goodup-5-Pack-Silicone-Dilators-Women/dp/B08K7H66WX
also i just use astroglide lube which i like but it’s pretty generic, i know people on this sub recommend the brand “slippery stuff” but i personally haven’t tried it
This is my kinda thread lol. If you've seen my posts around you might have noticed I'm sort of obsessed with compiling and sharing resources.
I think it's important to note in clear terms that it shouldn't be painful - hurting yourself only makes you tense up!
I really like the instructions found here. I also sometimes like targeting internal muscles with a vibrator (I like this one, 1" at widest spot) but only if I'm super relaxed. If I can identify like, knots in my muscles, pressing on them internally and massaging them with the vibrator not only helps them relax but it helps my brain form a controlling connection with that spot.
I was feeling like dilating while aroused was right for me, but I've noticed sometimes I totally tense up, so I'm actually swapping away and going to start following the instructions I linked more closely.
I'd love to hear from people who have been to physical therapy. I have no idea what a physical therapy visit would be like!
I’m sorry, it’s tough! I was afraid that if I stopped pressuring myself, I would lose focus, but I only prolonged my struggle (I had sex after relaxing my own expectations for myself.)
You can learn to let go of your unhelpful thoughts, and you’ll make more progress dilating if you let them go. Short version: take a break from dilating, at least a week or two. When you’re ready to try again, remind yourself that it doesn’t matter if the dilator goes in this time. You will get it eventually. If you catch yourself thinking that you “have” to insert the dilator this time, stop! Repeat your reminders. Do that enough and you’ll start to change what you tell yourself.
If you can talk to a mental health therapist, you should try to find a female therapist who does cognitive behavioral therapy and who doesn’t offer religious counseling. If you can’t, you can still work on some of the mental aspects with workbooks, like Feeling Great or the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook.
What would you tell a friend, if they were beating themselves up over not being able to dilate? Hopefully you would reassure them that they will be able do it, and that their worth is not related to their ability to open their vagina. Understand that you deserve the grace that you’d offer to a friend, and the grace that we’re offering to you on this post. It may help to write a letter to yourself about how you deserve to take as much time as you need to relax your vagina.
If you continue to have trouble, something else might be preventing you from relaxing your vagina, and you should see a gynecologist.
You’ve got this. And you deserve to be patient.
Oh yeah, and make sure your body is relaxed when you dilate.
Probably stupid remark: Did you try such primitive relaxing "procedure" like some glasses of wine? Like several evenings to have quiet time together, drinking very good wine, speaking about anything but not your vagina, cuddling only more and more, not trying PIV sex first. There is an erotic story [The Fleshly Prelude by Robert Sermais](http://www.horntip.com/html/books_&_MSS/1930s/1938_the_fleshly_prelude_(PB\)/index.htm), it is also on Amazon about "first time". Maybe try "return back" to the "honeymoon" like in the story.
It absolutely could be related. All of those abdominal muscles are tied to your pelvic floor. I’m not sure where the pain is that you are talking about in your abdomen or how it feels exactly, but trust your instinct with what you think it is and stick up for yourself when you see any DRs. I bought a muscle roller on amazon per my pelvic floor physical therapist’s advice and it helps me roll of the tight muscles in my abdomen, hips, and thighs (https://www.amazon.com/Muscle-Roller-Stick-Professional-Trigger-Point/dp/B00CBNDNOO). It had helped a lot over time and helped the right muscles get relief. If it’s also pain from the muscles, try to find a guided meditation or deep breathing exercise to help you begin to relax those muscles and awareness as to when you are contracting them.
On another note, could the pain be any of the organs like your uterus or bladder? I have endometriosis and depending on where they land that cycle, I sometimes get pain in my abdomen. I’ve also heard people with cysts have a lot of abdominal pain. If it doesn’t go away, maybe get a second opinion.
This is the set I used. It’s $19 on Amazon. Warning that the jump between 3 and 4 is pretty large so you might want to buy a vibrator that bridges the gap. Berman Center Dilator Set https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00121B0H8/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_ghRjDbN196JTT
I do what others are commenting: lay on a towel and have a towel for my hands too. I put a giant line of lube along the dilator and then twirl the dilator while I spread it.
Lube injectors do exist if you're interested!
I bought it off Amazon (funny thing is, it doesn't show up in search).
https://amazon.co.uk/dp/B01CYQCNUW/ref=cm_sw_r_apa_i_8jTVEb1EG5VXX
Not sure where you're based, but Lovehoney also has them
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BQ7D5YC4
Kissing Cherry
Throughout all of Cherry's years of life, she has never experienced something so right but just so wrong at the same time. After getting promoted at her job, Cherry finds herself in the middle of a rock and a hard place... a very very hard place. Cherry finds herself battling her emotions, her job, and her own cherry.
I use Good Clean Love Relief Gel which has 4% lidocaine and I put a few pumps on the opening of my vagina and a bit inside as well. My partner and I have only had sex with condoms so I’m not sure if it would numb him or not, but I’m getting an IUD soon so I guess I’ll find out soon when I’m no longer using condoms.
Have a look at these ones, they’re only £24 (might be slightly different depending on where you live) They probably wouldn’t be as comfortable as the more effective ones but they’re definitely effective as they’re recommended by the NHS and I’ve found they’re working well for me so far
Also wanted to mention that it is complete BS that she said you should start with a larger dilator. The whole point of dilating is to start small and then work your way up over time.
I am really a fan of this set here: https://www.amazon.com/Double-Sealed-VuVatech-Plastic-Dilators/dp/B07FQTLJLZ/ref=sr_1_9?crid=3QCUCYBI0P2EF&keywords=large+dilator&qid=1659599484&sprefix=large+dilato%2Caps%2C174&sr=8-9
There are a lot of sizes available and you should definitely start with the smallest one and use a lot of lube. You can search this subreddit for guides on dilation as well!
If you don't wanna spend a lot of money on dilators, them maybe check out other dilators besides Intimate Rose. [Here's a list of dilator sets](/r/vaginismus/comments/jx940f).
As for lube, Slippery Stuff is very popular here and you can get a 16 oz bottle of it for like $20 on Amazon, just make sure when buying it on Amazon that the one you get is sold by Amazon themselves (i.e. "Amazon.com") and not some random third-party seller.
Oh yeah I'm still looking for a decent large size dilator myself!
I looked up the Petala set and it looks like the largest size is 3.2 cm / 1.26" in diameter. I'm considering buying this set with the two largest sizes having a / 3.49 cm / 1.375 in and 4.13cm / 1.625 in diameters. I noticed that my partner was a little larger than the largest one I had in the vaginismus.com set and I looked that up and the largest one was a 3.81 cm / 1.5" diameter. I hope this helps!
For the life of me I cannot find the article (my fiancé can’t have his phone at work so I can’t ask him right now) but here is the link to the pillow Sex Toys Wedge Pillow Position... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B093C6PSCS?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
The images in the product description show most of the positions the article talked about, so hopefully that can be helpful!
My pt rec’d them bc they’re pretty affordable (at least they were ~$30 when I bought). The jump from each dilator to the next is kind of big but it was ok for me.
Very true. For years, I would wonder what was wrong with me and why me. But once I overcame that attitude, I got the courage to overcome it, and now it really does feel natural.
The treatment plan I followed was this one:
10 Steps Completely Overcome Vaginismus Book 2 : Personal Journal and Workbook https://www.amazon.com/dp/0973572817/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_36HZ1M4Y0S2KFB41WSBR
It came with a set of dilators as well. It looks like they’ve recently rebranded to Hope & Her and have a new revised version for sale. I would probably go with the newest version as it may be more updated and helpful for you. Feel free to pick my brain for any info that may be useful to you and best of luck on your journey. You will overcome this! ❤️
Nice timing I just bought a lubricant applicator on amazon for this reason. You’re right it feels like my vag squeegees all the lube off the dilator when I put it in. It all stays on the outside. I got this one and I’m hoping it will help! https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09G47K8LP/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_A4NJ9SV3M0JWC85E6NHQ
A vibrating cock ring is good for vaginismus. Penis rings are also helpful to support a man’s erection for a long time. You'd better choose a product with high cost performance to start your first attempt. Believe that people always like the new.
If a doctor, which is my first recommendation, isn’t in her playbook perhaps a workbook could help broach the topic, one that came up quickly after a Google is “stop painful sex: healing from vaginismus”
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Painful-Sex-Healing-Vaginismus-ebook/dp/B00HHMBU62
It sounds like if you’ve been able to have successful sex before she might not need to get an entire dilator set but a small vibrator or slim dildo could be used for some at home physical therapy both in regards to getting more comfortable with penetration and using such things (or fingers) to apply massaging pressure to spasming muscles for a physical way to release it.
You two might also find relaxation exercises helpful, abdominal breathing (diaphragm breathing, belly breathing, same thing), progressive muscle relaxation mediation, slowing way down and not making piv the end goal for every encounter or night, exploring other ways of being intimate in a judgement free way, for the rougher days. There’s other resources but those sound like some starting points that might be workable.
We use slippery stuff, specifically this exact product. Slippery Stuff-78662 Gel, 16 oz.... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07BFQLV42?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
However I would say to do a bit of research with what you want and maybe talk to your OBGYN first if possible. I got this because it's safe with condoms, it doesn't stain, and the reviews were good, and the reviews mentioned a noticeable lack of taste or smell or residue, which was important because I'm pretty sure most lubes would taste horrific. I don't plan on drinking it, but ya know.
My girlfriend's OBGYN said to maybe try silicone based lube. It's safe for use with condoms and requires less reapplication. I'm hesitant to do so because of potentials stains and clean up is harder. But if it's better, it's better.
Also though, I just remembered you guys aren't using condoms so I think an oil based lube would be potentially best. My gf is understandably paranoid about pregnancy so I don't know much about these types, sorry lol
Dude you got the wrong ones then. Try to cancel your oder and get these. My PT recommended them and so far I haven't had any issues with them
Silicone Pelvic Floor Kegel Dilator Exerciser Trainer Set by VWELL (Complete 5 Kit System) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08MT4VWGX/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_i_6F178ZPDPMDJSW6VVNAC?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
My physical therapist suggested these. Kinda spendy but I feel they're worth it. Make sure to use lots of lubricant Silicone Pelvic Floor Kegel Dilator Exerciser Trainer Set by VWELL (Complete 5 Kit System) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08MT4VWGX/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_i_6F178ZPDPMDJSW6VVNAC?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
ANGCURE Lube Applicator Syringes, Lubricant Tube Shooter with Smooth Rounded Cap for Men, Women & Couples, Reusable, Easy Use & Clean [10ml Scales][Red & White] https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09G47K8LP/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_i_PS15V3HSPF63H4QFYABE
That’s skinnier than the average tampon, but for cheap the tampon is a good option!
I have both the a and b set along with another set that I'll add below and I would recommend the b set BUT one thing that was slightly uncomfortable and tedious to clean is the engraved logo on the intimate rose set. The larger I went the more I could feel the logo. I would consider looking at this set too because it's always good to have options and it was completely smooth all around.
CHENGXJ 3 Pack Silicone Dilators for Women https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08VMP5MQ5/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_i_Z5RKFFBJ8B3SRD315V0M?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
I just had a Pap smear this morning and used this numbing cream, which really helped. I had an earlier pap last fall (this was a repeat since, just my luck, they didn't get cells the first time around) and that one was a lot more painful, I got dizzy and had to keep stopping and starting. I applied the numbing cream about 20-30min before the appointment, and while I still had some pain at the entrance it was manageable. The part where they swab deep inside hurt like hell during my first appt, but this time I didn't feel anything. I would recommend using a lidocaine cream internally before the appointment if you can - I applied it using a pelvic wand, but you could also use a dilator, your finger or ask your gyno to do it depending on what feels best to you. Hugs and good luck!
​
Oh thanks for the glass ones, I will look them up.
​
Clinically I'm aware of vestibulodynia. When Sex Hurts was one of the required reading for one of the classes required for Sex Therapy Certification and we did a whole section on vestibulodynia. While several of my mentors see it regularly and or specialize in treating couples experiencing vestibulodynia, I haven't yet had any clientele show up with the symptoms, though I know it's only time before I do.
​
I am sorry you have had to go through the difficulties common to getting it diagnosed and treated. And I'm happy to seeing the word spread about it so that we can hopefully lessen other's difficulties in getting it treated.
Definitely! I guess I just meant if it was worth trying again TODAY as I’ve been willing myself to dilate daily but I’m afraid the pain may cause a negative reaction from my pelvic muscles and cause me to regress.
I will probably use size 1 and 2 again today. I think maybe the failure was my own fault because I felt the difference in the heaviness of the dilator compared to the second one. (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08MT4VWGX/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_i_8C0J68X0X6CGHEE7GZ0A?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1) This is my set, the difference didn’t seem so significant to me until insertion. Once I felt the width I definitely started to panic. I’m hoping it was a mental thing. I’m just so upset because it’s hard to picture myself enjoying PIV when this was so unpleasant. I’m sad because I thought I made progress but you are right, I definitely will keep trying and not take a break. At least for too long
I’ve tried several lubes and they all brought on stinging. The only one that really worked well for me was a “creamy” lube. I got this idea from a friend who also suffered from vaginismus early in her marriage. Then, the only way I actually “cured” myself was by being intimate and having my husband use the dilators on me when I felt “ready” to have something in there. Lots of outercourse prep. Started with the small one and stimulation and only progressing to the next largest size when 150% ready. It opens up like a flower with enough arousal. The next size hurts for a minute but slowly you stop feeling it and want the next size. That’s just what worked for me. Also, I’ve never had sex without a condom (the plastic rubs) so in my case I wouldn’t be able to have sex unless I was ready to get pregnant, which I was. Now I am happily pregnant. After 7 years this is the only thing that got me to my husbands size comfortably. It takes time and patience but it’s pretty fool proof at this point. I also had to use a mild medical cannabis, a delta 8 pen, early in our marriage for me to be comfortable and relaxed enough to even having outercourse type sex. I don’t need it anymore but it helped me to be comfortable with my body due to my religious cult-like upbringing and the anxiety that comes with it. Not everyone needs this but I did because my vaginismus and sex anxiety was so severe. I hope this helps.
Hi! I love (LOVE) a water-based lubricant called Lola! I got it off of Amazon! I am very sensitive down there and this stuff seems to do a great job. I use it with my silicon dilators and it works very well. I believe it is a woman ran company and it is the only lube ive been able to find with out glycerin and that is PH Balanced. Lola water based lubricant you can find it here, best of luck!
hey love! this is the one ive used and it’s been rly helpful!! the vibration was super useful for helping my muscles relax
https://www.amazon.com/CalExoticsDr-Berman-Intimate-Basics-Dilator/dp/B00121B0H8
Is this the set of dilators you use? I’m debating between these and intimate rose, and price is a concern for me. Did you also purchase vuvatech off their website or amazon?
Is this the one you use? I really want to purchase the intimate rose full set dilators (it is on sale right now for $159.99), but I am a “broke” college student so having a cheaper alternative would be great. I also get told on r/sextoys to not buy toys or dilators from amazon since they carry a lot of counterfeit products. Some sex toys/dilators on amazon have been found with harmful materials
Bought my girlfriend these recently:
Goodup 4-Pack Silicone Dilators for Women https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08HCT7DSY/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_Z3CTGSX9ZAJFJQ70RBFG?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
Personally thought they were affordable and nice quality
Three words: coital alignment technique. Otherwise known as the CAT position!
I orgasm every time my boyfriend and I do this! You still get that sensation of being close and intimate, and your clitoris is being stimulated the whole time.
Sure, I wish we could have PIV. But in the meantime, I’m actually pretty satisfied with our sex life because of this. My boyfriend loves it too. Don’t be afraid to try new things and communicate openly with your partner.
I actually read a few places that plastic is better for stretching. I purposely bought plastic. I like my set: CalExotics Dr. Laura Berman... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00121B0H8?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
Yes, some people develop hormonally associated vulvodynia due to birth control pills. If she is already off the pill but still having pain, a topical cream of estrogen and testosterone, applied daily for 6 months, has been shown to improve symptoms. That is, if the cause of the pain is the birth control. However, did she have the pain prior to taking birth control pills? Then that may not be the cause. It could be regular vaginismus of unknown origin (some people just hold tension in their pelvic floor), vaginismus caused by hormonally associated vulvodynia, or something different. The book When Sex Hurts may be very helpful.
We just came out with our new 5 piece silicone dilator set for under $60.
https://www.amazon.com/Silicone-Dilator-Exerciser-Trainer-Complete/dp/B08MT4VWGX/ref=sr\_1\_1?crid=2USGXFT68MHMF&dchild=1&keywords=vwell+dilator+set&qid=1630082558&sprefix=vwell+dil%2Caps%2C206&sr=8-1
We just came out with our new 5 piece silicone dilator set.
Yes, this started happening to me after my vestibulectomy for some reason. I never had an issue beforehand. I also use Slippery Stuff.
This last time, I used boric acid suppositories and that got rid of it really quickly.
Some advice I got: make sure you are cleaning dilators each time. Use a new condom on them if you're concerned. Use a women's probiotic.
I'm so sorry you're struggling. It is going to be okay ❤️ I got a yeast infection and had it for literally months before getting it resolved (long story), and nothing crazy happened.
Good news- you can totally treat this with Diflucan, which is a pill. Ask your doctor for Diflucan.
You can also try Boric Acid suppositories, which you can buy on Amazon (I like the brand Boric Life). You do have to insert those vaginally, but it's just a smooth pill (the size you would swallow) and easier than injecting anything.
Some people also have success with a women's probiotic. Someone recommend this product to me for yeast infections: Doctor's Recipes Women’s Probiotic.
The combination of these three things should take care of it.
Always better to start with something smaller than a penis. The best method would be for her to work with dilators on her own for a few weeks/months. Then when you want to try sex, have her use dilators immediately prior and during foreplay.
Definitely use a TON of lube. Many folks use Slippery Stuff.
I use the Inspire silicone dilators here: https://www.amazon.ca/CalExotics-Inspire-Silicone-Dilator-Pink/dp/B01CYQCNUW
I’ve had a good experience with them! But I haven’t used any others to compare to them. I’m working on the last size at the moment. I will possibly try another brand afterwards that might have another size up from the largest in this set.
We at IntiMD just recently came out with a 5 piece silicone set for under $60. It was out of an issue like yours where we noticed many people dealing with this issue could not afford expensive dilators. Hopefully this helps out but feel free to DM me or respond on here if you have any questions at all.
Absolutely! I use the Inspire dilator set (recommended by my pelvic floor physiotherapist) and I got them from Amazon. Here’s the link!
CalExotics Inspire Silicone Dilator Kit, Pink https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B01CYQCNUW/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_i_H9GJSEVNJVTZE94YFVSD
I got mine through Amazon and found it to be genuine (no guarantees though). Here's the direct link to the one I bought. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07BFQLV42/ref=ppx\_yo\_dt\_b\_asin\_title\_o06\_s01?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Hi! I’m so glad :) I bought this one and had no problems with it, but I know that Intimate Rose brand is super popular and some women prefer the softer silicone material they make their dilators with. For lube I used Slippery Stuff which is AMAZING for dilating, it’s super thick like a gel and doesn’t have any weird chemicals. Let me know if you need anything else!
OP, I'd love to have you try one of our brand new VWELL Silicone Pelvic Floor Kegel Exerciser 5-Piece Sets! Completely on us, feel free to DM us! https://www.amazon.com/Silicone-Dilator-Exerciser-Trainer-Complete/dp/B08MT4VWGX/ref=sr\_1\_1?crid=1IUVGGY4OXO0E&dchild=1&keywords=vwell+dilator&qid=1625857851&sprefix=vwell+di%2Caps%2C236&sr=8-1
I have this one from Amazon—it’s slim and it only cost $30. I think I started using it when I was on dilator 3 (I have a set of 8).
SVAKOM COCO G Spot Vibrator - 8 Seconds to Orgasm Finger Shaped Waterproof Vibes for Women - 25 Vibrations Clitoris Nipple Vagina Massagers - Adult Female Sex Toys https://www.amazon.com/dp/B06XJ29X2R/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_Z1BQ160H0JXAE2NEJG3F?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
I much prefer thicker lubricant that will stay in place on the dilator without dripping. I used to prefer a silicone lube that I found that was quite thick. But it's important not to use silicone lube with silicone dilators.
If I was purchasing now, I would get silicone dilators, and use a water based lubricant jelly - something like this
No worries!! I used a ton of lube to get the first one in when I eventually tried. I got these from Amazon but know they are also available on lovehoney https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01CYQCNUW?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
I have the Dr. Berman set, I bought mine so long ago I don't have any current recommendations.
Someone on the other thread recommended these
Not sure where you live, but this is the set I bought. They are silicone which is way better than plastic and you get a whole set for only $150.
I use a bullet vibrator or a very cheap one I got from Spencer’s (I’ll link my two favorites.) even though the Spencer’s one is meant to be penetrative, I use it entirely externally and it is probably my favorite. I like to put it at the handle of my dilator, which makes the dilator move and I swear helps me stretch.
Petala Silicone Vaginal Dilators for Women With Smartphone App - 5 Sizes Set - Small to Large - I used these and I love them. I like it a lot for many reasons. First, this product is made by women for women. Second they have an app you can download on your phone and while you dilate it take you thru the exercises to do and for the amount of time to do them, it also tracks your progress and the days you dilate. I find it so helpful! Hope this helps!
For Vaginismus, Pain, Vulvodynia, Vaginitis https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0876HGKT9/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glc_fabc_2Na5Fb0PTGYV9?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
Thank you and of course! Here is the link: Completely Overcome Vaginismus - Book Set https://www.amazon.com/dp/0973572809/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glc_fabc_crq4FbBMHQ26H
When I bought the book a few years ago it came with dilators but I don’t believe it does anymore. The workbook was very helpful for me but I do recommend the dilators in unison with the book. It’s out of stock on Amazon now but it’s also on thrift books and some other used book websites. Hope this helps and best of luck to you in your TTC journey!
Gotcha. That's interesting to know. It definitely sounds like a mental block for you, which is where PT and learning to breathe and relax will help. These are the ones I bought and my PT said they are the ones she recommends. They have been great so far to use, and I am ready to buy the next set (this set is sizes 1-4, and the other set is sizes 4-8)
I was just diagnosed with vaginismus today. My doctor prescribed dilators -- you can buy them on Amazon! I suggest telling your gyno.
Dilators are built to stretch your vagina. They're plastic or silicone dildo-shaped things. Mine came in 5 different sizes, extra small to extra large.
Here's a link on how to use them https://www.seattlechildrens.org/pdf/pe1292.pdf
and these are the ones i bought. they're silicone, but plastic ones are cheaper (but less soft!) https://www.amazon.com/Petala-Silicone-Vaginal-Dilator-Smartphone/dp/B0876HGKT9/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=vaginal+dilators&qid=1607057045&sr=8-
but please, see your gyno. they can help! mine gave me medicine to relax my muscles to make it easier.
You’re welcome! Not to get too mushy, but it was easy for me to write, because I was typing from my heart ❤️
I’m glad that you’re catching yourself; that’s an important part of stopping! Here’s a book that talks about how to catch negative self-talk. My therapist has me do the feelings log exercise sometimes.
Please DM me if you ever need to talk more.
There's a great book called 'Heal Pelvic Pain' that I am working my way through - it includes a whole section on stretches that help your pelvic floor, and intra-vaginal massage you can do with just your fingers. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0071546561?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
I think there's a kindle edition that you could have on the ap on your phone or PC if you don't want the physical book lying around where people can find it.
I've only been doing it once a day before bed for a few days (building up to the two/three times a day recommended in the book) but it has helped my overall comfort levels - especially with working from home, sitting down a lot, and having a lot of soreness and tightness.
https://youtu.be/2yx0_PK0Q-4 there's also this video on stretches to relax your pelvic floor that I've used before, but I switched to the routine from the book. They are similar though!
I think stretches are really helpful - I don't know that they will 'cure' anything on their own, but they are certainly a good start for relaxing tight muscles.
If the dilator set isn't covered, there's one on Amazon between $15-20 that works really well too. The vibrations helped a lot with relaxing pelvic muscles while dilating. It doesn't have as many sizes as the more expensive ones, but I think it's a really good set to try first if cost is a big consideration.
Have you ever used vaginal dilators right before intercourse? these can be very helpful and are much more safer than a pen. Here is the number one selling set on Amazon around $45 https://www.amazon.com/dp/B076CS3STQ
I purchased my dilators from my PT clinic but you can get them on amazon - they’re the CalExotics 5 piece silicone dilator kit. They’re very smooth and they’re not too stiff, and the first one is very very small which was a big help for me. ( also they’re pink which to me makes them more inviting to look at which always helps :) ) if these are available in your area I’d definitely recommend.
i think any cushion should do, but this is the one i use: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07L8MHYW5/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
For me and my husband, we've done several different things. In addition to doing dilators on my own, I went to physical therapy for vaginismus which was very validating and supportive. I've since finished that, but found that I've developed a mild phobia or aversion to sexual touch (I think because I associated it with pain or personal failure). So we've been in couples therapy for a little while now, which has been great to improve communication and process resentment that's popped up from the vaginismus. Our couples therapist is also certified in sex therapy. We've now moved on from "regular" couples therapy to the sex therapy portion where we're doing what's called Sensate Focus. This has been super helpful because it's a program where at home you practice with your partner several times a week learning to relax and get desensitized to touch, but it happens in a gradual way and can eventually lead up to desensitizing to PIV insertion. I've been on the vaginismus journey for two years now and I feel like Sensate Focus has been the most helpful thing. Like you, I felt like my dilator work wasn't translating to being with my partner. Here's a link to a book that I read on Sensate Focus: https://www.amazon.com/Sensate-Focus-Therapy-Linda-Weiner/dp/1138642363/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=sensate+focus+in+sex+therapy&qid=1599451044&sprefix=Sensate+&sr=8-3
The book is written more for therapists than for women experiencing vaginismus, so if you're interested in Sensate Focus I'd recommend searching for a therapist who provides it. Even though we still have a few phases left of Sensate Focus to do, I feel very hopeful that we're going to get there. And I think my husband has enjoyed being able to play a bigger role in helping to make progress.
I hope this is a helpful perspective for you and I wish you luck on your journey!
Oh yeah, that’s probably not enough time to let the effects kick in (on your posture, or for the meditation/breathing). I hated practicing deep breathing at first, and decided that it felt like a waste of time (I probably didn’t want to be alone with myself). But it’s very powerful, and I relaxed a lot more within two or three months of doing 3-5 minutes of it most days of each month.
Here’s a book I read that helped: How to Breathe. The main thing is: breathe out for one count longer than you breathe in.
You will learn how to relax your vagina. Just maybe not tomorrow :)
I had a very hard time talking about my vaginismus in therapy at first (2015). I thought what my therapist was saying was pretty lame and not applicable to my personal situation (about how this did not define me, about patience). But I wasn’t ready to hear those sorts of things. I had a similar experience when starting therapy for an unrelated phobia, but it was easier to catch.
You may find EMDR more helpful right now. I did it for a few months starting last fall because my regular therapist believed that I was dealing with some lingering trauma. It helped me to understand that I clench when I’m frustrated or upset sometimes, start to deal with the situations that triggered the clenching (weirdly, not related to anything that had happened in or near my vagina) and start to let it all go.
Good luck!!
I’m glad you’re no longer with your former partner. Like, what would he have done if you were paralyzed, or had a hysterectomy, or took an SSRI that saved your life but killed your libido or ability to orgasm? Would he have wanted you to leave if, I don’t know, his penis fell off? Sometimes people can’t have sex, or don’t want to have sex. It’s not the end of the fucking world. Also, pressure makes it harder for people with vaginismus to have/enjoy penetration, so he wasn’t very smart, either. Assuming you’re a decent person, you deserve to be with someone who likes you the way you are!
Two very cheap assignments from my therapist:
1) My therapist has me do an exercise by David Burns: Daily Mood Log. I draw the table in a notebook. Here’s the book. Haven’t read the book. I only use the table. It’s powerful to identify the things I tell myself and then recognize that they’re not true.
2) She had me write positive qualities about myself on a piece of paper, put a picture of myself on it, and hang it up in my bedroom. I thought it was silly, but it’s been really nice to look at when I feel bad about myself!
I have the intimate rose! I was so nervous about it, left them in a drawer for almost a month, and one day just decided to do it this week alone I’ve made really good progress with it. They are silicone instead of plastic so it’s a little more gentle. It was $79.99 because I bought the whole starting size kit. Here’s the link: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07BKB3852/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_6gRnFb7FX0B1R
I’m reading the Vagina Bible right now for free through Libby (my library app basically). It is ALL kinds of stuff but not exclusively about vaginismus. I really enjoyed When Sex Seems Impossible, even though it really kinda pushes the author’s treatment plan, it was so eye-opening and I could identify with what a lot of the women in it were saying. Here’s a link to it. I bought the paperback.
Update: I will let you know when I get to the chapter about vaginismus in the Vagina Bible though! :)
hey! I'm 21 and I had one done about a year and a half ago, the exact same situation where he cut from both sides and I was under sedation.
He advised me to do the baths but I never touched the opening at all until 6 weeks post-op, I was actually told I couldn't start using dilators until at least 4 weeks. My doc just told me to use wet wipes after going to the bathroom to avoid any agitation, I would say that after about 10-14 days I was pain-free (from the surgery lol but still vaginismus to deal with).
I don't see how you could scar and 'close over' that makes no sense to me, I didn't have any lotion but I've seen my gyno and surgeon since the procedure and there was no mention of scaring, didn't even know that was a thing that could happen. Logically touching an open wound would hurt and if you have vaginismus he should not have assumed you could put it inside without a lot of pain, I'm sorry he is being so insensitive.
ALSO, I saw the comments about dilating, I actually bought an e-book from a physical therapist who treats vaginismus (it was 9.99 in Canadian $ - I'll link it from amazon) and it was super helpful because I tried dilating randomly by myself for a long time before I picked a program to follow. She gives great advice and has a step by step process for starting to dilate. Also, dilating is not linear it totally can go backwards sometimes but don't be discouraged, we totally got this xoxo
book: https://www.amazon.ca/gp/product/B00K7IH67U/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_d_asin_title_o04?ie=UTF8&psc=1
I agree with all the other comments about how awesome the CalExotics Inspire silicone set is, but if you can already skip the small sizes, the first three dilators in that set will probably not be very useful to you. I bought the CalExotics set because I was having transitioning from the first to second dilator in the Vaginismus.com set, and found it very helpful because the jumps in size were smaller. But if you are looking for something that starts a little big bigger, you might look into the Vaginismus.com set.
Alternatively, a lot of people on this subreddit seem to use the Laura Berman set, which is pretty cheap on Amazon and I see lots of comments where people say it starts pretty big. https://www.amazon.com/Dr-Laura-Berman-Intimate-Basics/dp/B018KUTUA2
While I don't have personal experience with the Laura Berman set, I bought a similar version on Amazon by a company called IntimateMD. (I almost suspect that its a knock off.) Here's a link to what they are currently selling on Amazon. (My set didn't include the lube or the mesh bag, so may not be identical product.) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07QXLY7SZ/ref=mp_s_a_1_12?dchild=1&keywords=intimate+md+dilator&qid=1594663588&sr=8-12
This was way too big for me to start with (I had to dilate for a while I could even get the first one in the IntimateMD/Laura Berman set in), which makes me think that it would be perfect for you.
I will also say that all of these sets are hard plastic, which is uncomfortable, but good for doing the clock exercises that people discuss on this subreddit. The Laura Berman set also vibrates, which lots of people have commented is helpful. My IntimateMD set also does (not sure if linked product above has all the same features).
If you are looking for silicone, tons of people swear by Intimate Rose, and you can buy just the larger sizes. Its more expensive, but the people that own it seem to really like them.
Hope this was helpful!
I bought he cheapest ones I could find on amazon because I was really wary that they wouldn't work, but in retrospect I really wish I'd splashed out more on silicone ones as the plastic ones I found to be really rigid and uncomfortable. But they did work in the end so if money is a really big issue these are the ones I used 😊 but yeah I do think the process would have been a lot comfier if I'd spent that bit extra
I used the Vuva dilator set from Amazon along with Slippery Stuff as the lube.
Link to dilator set here: https://www.amazon.com/Discreet-Shipping-Instructions-Waterproof-Lightweight/dp/B076CS3STQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_4?dchild=1&keywords=vaginal+dilators&qid=1590615218&sr=8-4
About the oral, I'm not sure exactly what it is about the cum that puts you off, but if it's the taste then I highly recommend getting oral gel! I just got this one recently: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B006973REO/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_3VrKDb1C604QF and it's honestly even better than I thought. I was fine without it, but some days I just couldn't stomach the thought at all... This really helped it be more bearable! Technique-wise, you can glob some on it and your hand that stays at the base, do a quick rub, then from there oral. Anytime the taste is dwindling you can just do another quick rub with your hand. This way you don't have to reach for the bottle every time. :) Hope that all helps! ^^
The Wonder Down Under is a really amazing book. They touch on a variety of subjects about the female body, in a way that’s relatable and enjoyable to read. There’s even a (small) section on vaginismus. I highly recommend!
DEFINITELY recommend the Intimate Rose set: https://www.amazon.com/Intimate-Rose-Medium-Silicone-Dilators/dp/B07BKBY2DL/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=intimate+rose+dilator&qid=1560792898&s=industrial&sr=1-1-catcorr (just an example of one of their sets)
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I tried plastic and then SoulSource (which I know people like), but the silicon on these just glides a lot easier and creates less friction, which makes it hurt less, which makes me dilate more, etc etc etc. Would definitely swear by them!
This is the kind I use: Intimate Lubricants for Sensitive... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00UO1R7XI?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
I'm not sure if it's in your budget or not... I wouldn't call it cheap, but I wouldn't call it expensive.
I like it because it's not sticky (astroglide feels sticky to me), and it doesn't have an odor. I go through a bottle every 4-5 months.
Sexy lingerie? A different toy? Anal? Personally, I couldn't have PIV sex with my last boyfriend but I could have anal, funnily enough. I recommend this book for self-treatment. It walks you through specific dilator and leg/hip stretches that no other book OR my PT ever did.
Thanks! I am looking to learn from experiences on where vibrators help and your comments on dilators are helpful as well. I was recommended 'Dr. Laura Berman Intimate Basics- Dilator Set' if that helps.
I’ve heard people recommend SoulSource, I’ve used these which are cheaper. I’ll be honest, I wish I had pointier ones because with these they get wide really quickly, but I’ve still managed to work my way through them without much hassle (well, any more than you’ll have regardless).
I very recently discovered this issue, so I can't really offer any advice on the physical side, but have you sought the help of a therapist to address these anxieties? Cognitive Behavior Therapy, in particular, can be a great tool. I have found it very helpful and recommend learning and applying some of the techniques to everyone, not just those who are suffering from depression/anxiety. I am sure there are a lot of very good resources online, as well, which can serve as an introduction (if you're not already familiar) which may prove helpful.
I also highly recommend this book. It was recommended to me by my psychologist and despite it's somewhat cheesy title, is very informative. The book was written by a gentleman who is a MD and I believe also a PysD.
https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Handbook-David-Burns/dp/0452281326
Sounds like it might be vulvodynia. I have it (and its cousin, vestibulodynia) along with my vaginismus, and it sucks hard. Before you see the dermatologist, it might be worth it to try some of these things: * If you haven't already, stop using ANYTHING scented anywhere near your vulva *use milder laundry detergent and body wash (but DO NOT scrub your vulva) * sitz baths (you can try putting oatmeal, apple cider vinegar, or epsom salt in the bath, but plain water is just fine!) * put your underwear through an extra rinse cycle * spritz your vulva with water after urinating or showering * minimize activities that may irritate your vulva, like shaving or bike riding None of these will cure you, but it might help a little. Check out r/vulvodynia if you have more questions. I also recommend the book When Sex Hurts if you want to read up before your appointment.