So this is a conflict management style: compromising.
When you choose to compromise when managing conflict, you aim to partially satisfy people on both sides of the argument. You act as the mediator between each party.
Issues can be resolved a lot quicker than with a collaborative conflict management style. A positive side effect you will see is that those involved will leave understanding more about the other person’s perspective and opinions. When you use this style to manage conflict, you will be seen as a hands-on and solution-oriented conflict facilitator.
However, nobody will leave completely content with the solution. One side might feel they've compromised too much and be unwilling to engage this type of conflict management in the future.
Try to work towards to collaboration. It is a true win/win.
Collaborating is a combination of being assertive and cooperative. Embracing this style means you love a "win-win" situation. You will work with others to find a solution that fully satisfies everyone and minimize negative feelings.
With this style, all parties will contribute to a solution. Collaboration often leads to long-term solutions because there's group buy-in.
All taken from: https://matterapp.com/blog/5-conflict-management-styles-to-improve-your-productivity
If it becomes too much, I suggest couples counselling or parting ways. Hopefully these are last ditch efforts, but you can’t “force” someone to work with you.
Here is a product called Fair Play that basically lays out how to organize tasks for you with cue cards and pictures.
fair play kit links to Amazon Canada
I'm just starting this journey with my spouse (who's male, but also has a severe trauma history that's just now being addressed, and we're in our 40s), so I empathize with where you are. I'm getting a lot out of "Is it You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.?" by Gina Pera, though Melissa Orlov seems to be good too (my spouse is reading her relationship book, mentioned in another comment). We're taking one of Orlov's courses together starting next week.
I do find that Pera's approach has been more validating for the anger I've been struggling with, and feels super empathetic toward the experiences of both partners in the relationship. I'm soaking it up because there are tons of familiar stories, clear explanations and examples (including plenty with how it presents in women / people who are afab). It also weaves in practical strategies for how to reach/engage the attention of someone with ADHD.
Is your wife seeking medication in addition to therapy? That seems to be a key piece that allows all the others to become effective when practiced and used. I know we're not supposed to "parent" our partners, but IMO, when the disorder is preventing them from getting necessary care, something like making the appointment and helping them get there (even if just virtually/phone) would be a kindness, plus a faster way to get back on track.
One thing seems true across everything I've seen, experienced, and researched: we can support and empower, but we can't fix it for them. They have to participate in their own care, in an ongoing way. If you try to compensate for this without your wife doing their part of the work, it's a pretty awful path. I've been on it for years (the roller coaster descriptor is on point), and am just now finding hope - today's been a better day, and information is definitely power.
Not here to criticize your situation. To answer you question though.
Is it You, Me, Or Adult A.D.D.? (book) is an excellent resource so explaining how ADHD affects the afflicted party's behavior and thus their relationships.
As a tip to non-separated partners who may read this: My DX partner and I have been reading it together (I keep the e-book open on my PC, which we can both sit at)... The book is a lot of repetition for me, I dug in heavy even before the official diagnosis, but reading it together give us the opportunity to talk about the subjects covered as we go, and it allows me to hear how my DX partner thinks about these things and see that she's learning about them. She tends to just put these kinds of things off, and then also keeps her opinions and efforts to herself vs sharing. So reading it together has been really great!
Here's a quick link to Gina Pera's eBook about ADHD & Sex For anyone interested.
I'll probably be reading it too, but it's a short book with limited coverage. I intend to read her book Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? first.
There's definitely an "out of sight, out of mind" component. Conversation cards could be an option if he's not used to starting topics of conversation, and setting reminders/alarms to contact you. If he drives for a commute, that might be a good time for him to call, but he might not ask questions since he can't look at the references.
Conversation cards https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.carddecks
I highly recommend calls over texts, and recommend that he multitask during the call, but not with highly stimulating/distracting stuff like video games. Usually walking or doing chores helps me stay engaged in calls. There are so many times I was sure I texted someone back but never sent the text, and I think it would hurt you if he did that.
Future plans do not automatically have dates or timeframes. Keeping track of the passing of time and assigning times to events are things he should be working on separately (therapist, independent research, idc). Sometimes it helps to look at 3yr or 5yr goals and plan backwards, but it can be tedious.
If you have an approximate timeline for relationship milestones or other plans it might be worth discussing. It is also possible you might end up with the traditionally "male" role of taking initiative and planning for things like dates and the proposal, and I would encourage you to think about if you'd genuinely be happy with that possibility. Or you can ask him to build a system to remind him to plan things.
Definitely talk with someone about it, and it's also worth bearing in mind that many people who are partnered with someone who has ADHD can find themselves exhibiting ADHD-like behaviors/habits. If I recall (I need to go find the section), Gina Pera talks about this in Is If You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.: Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder and then there's this blog post at ADDitude Mag.
When I'm running at full speed for long bouts at a time, it wears on me. I am forgetful. I feel frayed. My time management suffers. Whether it's something like that or ADHD, figuring out better methods and habits for you and your family is key. And getting your partner in on that shift is also very important.
Seriously. This shit is parasitic. I've had experiences on other sites like this, like 7 cups, a site for therapy!! That being said, I would still recommend the site when you need a good vent to someone. These experiences aren't common.
Personally, I wouldn't advise tracking your husband's time for him, as it may come across as combative, accusational, etc.
However, maybe you could discuss tracking time personally, and see if he'd be willing.
I personally use a program called ActivityWatch on my cellphone and computer. It allows me to track my time in an automatic, easy to use, and convenient way, that allows me to see how much time I'm spending working(for tracking extra hours at work), as well as goofing off
Maybe this would help: ADHD After Dark
While my concerns were not as severe as yours, the story resonates with me very hard. She got a diagnosis but they didn't really explain to her what it meant and were were both operating from the layman's understanding of all of this - that ADHD had a lot to do with an ability to concentrate and stuff like that and nothing else. The realty is that it is a very different way that the brain processes and receives information, prioritizes what to remember, and there's difficulty making decisions due to struggles with what's called "Executive Function". There's a lot of layers to unpack here. We've been able to make great progress in the last year, but there were a lot of challenges for both of us to get to that point.
Some things to keep in mind are that ADHD is severely under-diagnosed in women, and since it affects everyone a little differently, a single playbook on how to move forward can be challenging to figure out. I would encourage you both to read and discuss Melisa Orlov's books on ADHD relationships, you can find them here
https://www.amazon.com/ADHD-Effect-Marriage-Understand-Relationship/dp/1886941971
https://www.amazon.com/Couples-Guide-Thriving-ADHD/dp/193776110X
ADHDers may take things personally and become defiant, combative, and unwilling to have a dialog when concerns are voiced, which sounds like it's part of what lead to the ultimatum on your end. Hearing things from a third-party perspective can really help them to realize that your concerns are a valid viewpoint and not a criticism of their person or character. Read the books. Talk about how you identify with the different persons and scenarios outlined. Start a dialogue on how to understand each other and things can and will get better if you are both willing to put in the effort.
I'm happy to talk more if you want to DM me.
To add, start your house together by setting up organization. Our brains have trouble organizing things and maintaining a system that may work for NTs. This book is an amazing reference! It could save you a lot of headaches later on.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1592335128/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_btf_t1_.CEEFbB8V90ZX
Calendars are go! After a difficult talk about expectations, disappointments, heartbreaks, etc. etc. etc. my ADHD partner went on Amazon and found this set of calendars which we've reviewed weekly, and put events, spends, and important notes in their right places. He uses the weekly notes to keep track of the day-to-day, and the daily notes as grocery lists or immediate to-do items. All on his own, I didn't pick them out or put them up!
We know that like all things they get interested in, this too might fall by the wayside and in the effort of killing the parent-child between us, I'm not going to ask him more than once if he wants to review it but I'm glad this glimmer of hope presented itself though.