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What consequences has she had to go through? Sometimes cheaters need to feel hard consequences in order to understand that they are walking on borrowed time if they don't shape up.
I hope the both of you are in therapy.
Has any one suggested reading the 5 Love languages book by Gary Chapman? It might help both of you understand each others love languages.
He needs to find a CSAT. This is a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist.
I have an addictive personality, and I have several addictions. Luckily I’m able to deal with my inclination toward sex addiction by being in a recovery program that deals with Alcohol and other substances.
My therapist is a CSAT and It’s been over 5 years in recovery for my addictions at this point.
My therapist and I believe the way I work is that I will use anything to escape my feelings. We joke that if I were to take up knitting 🧶 that I would get addicted to that.
A CSAT can administer some tests and make a determination if he is really a SA. I believe that is very important.
Finally, a bit of advice, earlier books written about SA paint the relationship partner as a co-addict. There is a good book on amazon which pushes back against this idea.
This is it:
Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal https://www.amazon.com/dp/0882823094/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_nHb.Cb86094Y3
While you might have some co-dependent issues I think it disingenuous to put equal blame on the spouse who has just discovered the sex addiction.
If sex addiction is determined, then I counsel you to think long and hard about reconciliation. Sex addiction is a hugely messy area of addiction and there is a lot of relapse. I know I’m the early stages of going to SA there were very few with long time sexual sobriety. There was a single guy with 10 years who was sponsoring a shit ton of guys because of this. I knew a couple of guys with 5 and 4 years.
Hang in there SA is hard.
My husband read this book. Every week. Foe two months. Until it was ingrained in his head. It has undoubtedly saved our marriage. I read it too. It truly showed the WS how e affair effects the spouse.
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
There is a book, I’ve yet to complete it, called The Art of Falling in Love . I watched the author in a YouTube link and found his information really helpful.
My wife and I started a nightly exercise in which we ask each other questions that are bringing us closer and one of them is actually not a question telling each other something we appreciated about them. Something small like thanks for picking kids lunches or big is OK. It has really changed our perspective. Both of us were so focused on each other’s flaws (I cheated, she didn’t share any hobbies with the me... blah blah you name it) and honestly this mindset shift has made us both more attracted to each other.
Just sharing a few things working for us. May not be for you.
He is afraid of conflict / big emotional reactions. This fear does make open communication and conflict resolution much more difficult.
He may mean he feels vulnerable in the face of big emotional reactions. He doesn't know how to take them, hes really uncomfortable, and or it may cause him anxiety.
He may also be the type who feels failure when he does things that displease you. He may feel vulnerable when he's reminded he may be failing.
He doesn't understand his feelings fully. All he knows is being fully honest in a situation that may trigger conflict / big emotional response feels really uncomfortable and bad/weak/unable to cope.
This doesn't make his lies right. He needs to work on this to be successful in a relationship long term with anyone. I would highly recommend he be in counseling.
You may find this interesting : "the number one predictor of divorce is conflict avoidance. " ( Source )
Also, to add, I don't want you to feel attacked. I want you to realize you are worth more and your kids are too. I'm so sorry you feel stuck with him and I'm glad you realize he isn't really reconciling. Please document everything and reach out for help.
My therapist recommended a book that we are going to try. It will take us back to almost very basic intimacy steps.
The Couple's Guide to Intimacy: How Sexual Reintegration Therapy Can Help Your Relationship Heal
We will do a step over and over and over until we are both comfortable. I’m the WS and I have problems with intimacy. It is now even harder because I know I laid landmines out there. I am now perpetually worried that expressing any new desire (regardless of the fact I’ve had many of these pre-affair) that it’s going to trigger a “did he do this with her?” question.
I know that is of my own doing and it makes me second guess everything. Even if there is something I would desperately like to do and it’s not sexual I worry about this. It makes me just wonder should I live a bubble wrapped life of never expressing something new because it avoids the triggers. I know it’s wrong but that doesn’t stop the doubt from entering my mind. I hope this gets easier for both of us over time as we keep lines of communication open.
I'm going to make a recommendation for a book I've just started but so far am finding extremely helpful... Sex Addiction: The Partner's Perspective. I have tried other books but so far this is the one that is resonating with me the most. The reason why I recommend it to you is there is a section on misconceptions about sex addiction, and your last statement made me think of it. Basically, if your husband is a sex addict, he has been one long before you ever knew him, and therefore you have always been with an addict. It's hard to hear but what I mean is, he has ALWAYS been the person you thought he was. Many sex addicts are great partners, husbands, and fathers... and also sex addicts.
>I had some self worth issues about my abilities and skills and where I was in life after 40
I think you are still having self worth issue, because in your entire post you didn't mention leaving!
You need therapy for you self-esteem issues, no sane man will accept this type of abuse and stays..
Please note, by staying you are showing her that you have low value, thus she lost all attraction for you!
Add to that the amount of "Pick Me Dance" you did destroyed your worth in front of you cheating wife!
The truth is, she is not attracted to you way from before. and from your post I can see couple of reason why, that doesn't excuse her betrayal in any shape or form!
You have read lots of books, but my guess you didn't read the most important book:
Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life by Tracy Schorn This book will be an eye opener for you!
READ IT!
​
>I have thought of contacting the AP’s girlfriend - who just had his baby. Its not my intention to hurt her - but it could help break the lies and bring everything into the light. Allegedly the AP doesn’t know about me
You have showing her no consequences for her poor actions, so yes you should tell AP's GF, that's the right thing to do!
Please value your self, you deserve better, heck, any women out there is better then her right now!
I wish you the best of luck buddy!
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1476789991/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_.fVuFbDVJGNSC
I suggest it in audiobook format. It is hilarious and no-nonsense.
"Stop beating yourself up for being a fuckup. Instead, learn to appreciate what you have accomplished in spite of being fucked up."
It's not my book;
But, it's the book I live by, written by the psychologist who's forums we used.
I do have another book suggestion and I did check this time. 8<)
Think it goes in general psychology.
Mistakes were made but not by me: Why we justify foolish beliefs, bad decisions, and hurtful acts
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0544574788/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_CNqfFbZY6ZW4M
It was recommended to my wife to help her understand not only what she did during the affair but during the recovery. I have not read, but she said she learned a lot.
Not super sure if this will help, but my WS seems to be making progress dealing with spirals with IC teaching him self-soothing stuff (meditation, derp breathing, coming to me for reassurance, etc) plus the book Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. My WS has got a lot stewing around in his head so I can't tell you what it is in that book or what other things regarding shame hes thinking of.. but there is a section in there for "shame resilience."
She's got a lot of you tube videos and books that i don't know much about. But my WS said this Ted Talk: https://youtu.be/iCvmsMzlF7o was a good preview of the beginning part of the book he's reading. So you guys can check it out and see if theres stuff in there that seem like a good match for what can help.
Well, first of all, I want to congratulate you on your self reflection. Even if your relationship with your boyfriend tanks, I think you're setting yourself up for a future where you're going to be able to take on a healthy, intimate and loving relationship and I acknowledge the hard work you are putting into this level of self improvement.
I think that while you may feel that there is a laundry list of things to work on, there is a core issue of assertiveness that you can address which will then flow on to make other interactions you have with people easier. I would recommend that to start with, you purchase this workbook and going through the exercises -
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572242094/
What you really need is a combination of practical exercises to train with and cognitive behavior therapy from a professional therapist. Since money might be tight right now, start with the former and work your way towards the latter - but I would caution you to not push it off. This is going to be a life long issue for you if you don't tackle it now, so it's worth the investment in you, not just to make your boyfriend feel more secure.
To be blunt, it'll be an immense gain for you to be able to establish and maintain healthy boundaries because these leads to healthy relationships, the respect of other people and colleagues and overall a better sense of self.
Once again, it's great that you're starting on this journey and I'm sure you're going to get where you need to be
I would suggest that you read Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00BS03MB0/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_H2C7E0HV669B2Z044ZY0 That book will give you a lot more understanding of what sex addiction really is, because it's not what most people think. If you are an addict, not all of what that book talks about will describe you, but some of it will, and you will know it. Or your powers of denial are much stronger than mine. If your partner is an addict, maybe less clear, but there are resources for partners of addicts.
An addict deals with stress and unpleasant emotions by indulging in sexual activity. However they act out. The acting out leads to guilt and shame, which are unpleasant emotions, and that's the cycle. An addict will feel like it's not a problem. They will convince themselves that they just enjoy sex, or masturbating, or sexting, or talking to people online or in bars or whatever. They don't see it as a problem until confronted with consequences. If they are getting away with it, it's not a problem.
This is very true. I've started to read this book https://www.amazon.com/Transcending-Post-infidelity-Stress-Disorder-PISD/dp/1587613344
​
I can understand a lot more with what's going on with him. It's hard to deal with him but having an understanding makes it better to know what's happening with him.
One thing you can do is make sure your husband understands you want to help him heal, even if you dont stay together.
Since your counselling doesnt start right away, and even then your counsellor may not push for this, you can start with this book:
Okay. Here we go.
Your story is sad because it demonstrates something I see so often but don't want to admit because I'm a man. Male waywards are frequently not as naturally good at doing reconciliation work as female waywards. Now, this is a very generalized statement, and there are terrific male waywards right here in this subreddit. But they are rare compared to the number of solid female waywards we see pass through this little corner of the internet. Some women are like wayward savants. They get it immediately. They don't need a book or instructions. They instantly demonstrate remorse, contrition, and determination, as if they've been doing it all their lives. And then they read the books and get therapy as well because they want every bit of reconciliation ammunition they can get. I've never seen a man like that.
Maybe it's his man card. Male ego. Inability to let someone else be the boss for a while. Just plain old difficulty in saying "I was wrong and I'll do whatever it takes" and then following up on the words. But, that appears to be what's going on right now and the problem is, you know it's not going to get the job done.
Hopefully, it's just a lack of education and understanding. You're going to have to make demands. I'm sorry if you aren't comfortable doing it but it's the only way to move forward. He needs to start reading.
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From an Affair by MacDonald.
What Makes Love Last by Gottman
These are a good start. Tell him you need him to read them in order to reconcile. Then ask him to get into therapy so he better understands why it became acceptable to hurt you.
If he can't do these things then he wants you to sweep it under the rug. Rug-sweeping almost guarantees it will happen again.
I'm sorry, OP. Your husband could be a better wayward. It sounds like he either doesn't understand that or doesn't know how. I suggest you get this book for him and ask him to read it. I would personally demand that he read it as a condition of R, but I'm kind of no-nonsense about these things and not everyone is comfortable with confrontation.
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
Since you're gift, get a cute red bow lingerie to wear and call it good (if y'all are intimate again). I'm bet he would love the gesture! It's the gift he wants most, and it takes the pressure off all the little stuff.
Or if that's not where you guys are at now, just get a big red bow and wear that (on top of your clothes) when you serve him his cake!
Sorry for my late reply. Here’s the book/audiobook I’ve found the most helpful:
Transcending Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder: The Six Stages of Healing by Dennis C. Ortman
It’s not perfect by any means, but it’s been really helpful. There are a few sections where he talks about religion (Christianity and Buddhism), but thankfully it’s not often. I’m not religious so I just fast forward through those parts.
> I am still so bloody stuck on the why, especially with AP2 the one who he did the most with. I think partly it has to do with the fact that I don’t have all the details and won’t ever have them because he deleted all of it years ago. I was never supposed to find out. And I didn’t even…he confessed to it after I found out about AP3.
Ugh, I am so sorry. I can’t imagine how that must feel. I caught my WS three times with one AP over about a month, and that was bad enough. My heart goes out to you, and I’m wishing you the best on your journey 🙏
Might want to read "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life"; https://www.amazon.com/Leave-Cheater-Gain-Life-Survival/dp/0762458968. I didn't read it because I was planning to leave my wife after her EA. I was always going to try R. The book helped me identify actions from my WS that were manipulative. It actually got me a bit mad at myself for being a chump. I highly recommend it even if you are fully committed to R. Protect yourself!
Totallly unsolicited but from a fellow traveler:
https://www.amazon.com/Body-Neutrality-Liberating-Practice-Accepting/dp/B08RR5ZB3S/ref=nodl_
https://www.amazon.com/Body-Respect-Conventional-Health-Understand/dp/1940363195/ref=nodl_
💙
Don't give up on yourself. We're not going to give up on you.
>I did something last night that was beyond toxic, my twin sister is not even talking to me now. I am so ashamed of my behavior .
This was the trauma. It wasn't you, not really. But you're going to have to develop the skills to manage it.
You're on the waitlist for therapy. That is good. In the meantime, you can actually start working on the skills to manage this trauma.
Something like this book: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Dummies
If you ever feel particularly toxic and need to vent, please don't hesitate to DM me.
We're all rooting for you.
WTF?!?!?!
Honestly, I feel this post is EXTREMELY offensive. You’re triggering me with your ignorance and closed mindedness!! Swinging isn’t what caused my relationship’s issues.
Infidelity is related to betrayal and betrayal can take many different shapes. It’s very closed minded and selfish to think that your betrayal and/or trauma is of any importance greater than my own. This forum should be available to support those experiencing the human condition and relational trauma. Your emotions and your relationship are equivalent to my own, not unique, and your insinuation that swinging (relevant to me) somehow detracts from my marriage’s validity in terms of relational interconnection and vesting is the most ignorant thing I have read in here— ever.
Read this book (but buy from a local retailer), and stop hiding behind your belief that you’re in the only type of relationship that is important and that my heart doesn’t matter:
The Ethical Slut, Third Edition: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/0399579664/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_i_C7C9D4BJ24P7TK16H5TS
Op’s post is super narcissistic. I’ve never been more angry while reading Reddit than I am right now. Seriously, wtf?!?!?
I feel you. I also did not really struggle much before but definitely am now. I found this on Amazon for $9 and it’s been really helpful for me with self-esteem, self-esteem, and self-worth.
Self-Love Workbook for Women: Release Self-Doubt, Build Self-Compassion, and Embrace Who You Are (Self-Help Workbooks for Women) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1647397294/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_i_3N55RAXG73RDCHTXNTKK?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
Go on Amazon and buy this book. Read it over and over until you “get it” Follow the steps on disclosing your affair and ending your affair. https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
> also bought and read "The State of Affairs" by Esther Perel (she's amazing).
Yeah convenient but you could probably find better books.
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
One of them and other people here can probably recommend other ones as well.
I'm glad you've calmed down, it's a terrible situation to be in and you're hurting a lot.
I still recommend some books, if you can afford them and are willing. <strong>Healing From Infidelity</strong> by Michele Weiner-Davis is a rough read but it contains a lot of immediately-applicable advice for both you and your wife. It's not something to get through in one go, it has chapters written for various stages of the reconciliation process. Some of the chapters are written for you, some are written for her (you are allowed to read each other's chapters). It has concrete steps both of you can take right now to help stop the bleeding.
The other book I would recommend is <strong>Not Just Friends</strong> by Shirley Glass. It doesn't has as much advice you can apply, but it will help you eventually get a better understanding of your wife (and her you). It's a highly-recommended book for good reason, it's even recommended in the sidebar of this sub.
I'd compare Davis' book to field medicine, meant primarily to bandage the wound and help stop the bleeding right now. Whereas I'd compare Glass to long-term care, sometime to help the wound heal properly once you're able to start walking again.
It’s some of the first work in that field. It’s very enlightening. I read it years ago when dealing with clients with trauma histories and it was an aha moment for me in my own background. I read it again two years ago after too many DDays….
While ordinarily I would never recommend anything Oprah endorses (she has bought into so much garbage), there is other book on the topic of trauma that picks up where Dr. van der Klok leaves off. It’s What Happened to You. Dr. Perry is well known in this field.
https://www.amazon.com/What-Happened-You-Understanding-Resilience/dp/1250223180/ref=nodl_
OUR MOMENTS Couples: 100 Thought... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B078RDNFSC?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
We also got the kids and families packs, and it’s been inspiring awesome conversations with our kids too! We love to do the family pack at dinner time and the couples pack after bedtime.
I can see why you struggle. Have you read “The State of Affairs” by Esther Perel? I think she does a great job of discussing men who seem to be almost compulsively unfaithful. The podcast below addresses it as well.
I am here to support the suggestion of exploring the idea of sex addiction. It is a complex subject, and it's not what most of us think it is. You can read this book https://www.amazon.com/Out-Shadows-Understanding-Sexual-Addiction/dp/1568386214 for more information. If it is relevant to you, there are a lot of resources available to help you, and your BS.
OP, your wife will need help coping with this. Read that again a few times until it sinks in. You have no idea what you have done to her. You can't make it better by hiding any of it, that just makes it worse. You also won't make it better by beating yourself up, or making huge romantic gestures. The only things you can do are be completely honest, learn how to support her, and work on understanding and changing yourself.
I’m so sorry. That’s so overwhelmingly awful. My heart cries for your pain. :’(
So, just to be clear, what I suggested and apparently got downvoted on as if the advice weren’t a valid option is actually good advice SOME of the time. It won’t work in every situation, and it certainly my won’t work if it’s not being ethically practiced. Ethical non-monogamy is 10,000% real, and when it’s approached in a joint, united front as a team, it can be quite enjoyable. I understand that not everyone subscribes to that kind of lifestyle, and I’m not trying to force it upon anyone. I merely suggested it as a starting point for others to branch out from and learn more about.
There’s a really good book on this practice called The Ethical Slut. It’s a good read, and it goes over types of open relationships that I would never be comfortable with. Still, it’s educational to the ignorant. I learned a whole lot from that book. It’s on Kindle as well.
The Ethical Slut, Third Edition: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/0399579664/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_4RK727JFPY5NEHYZF5JC
Sent you a book recommendation re. Candida.
Make sure you are taking a good probiotic. This is one that was recommended to me.
Microbiome Labs MegaSporeBiotic (60 Capsules) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07TJ4TH8Q/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_FGZD1S5ZYGGBBZB4N18D
I think you're doing well so far.
The wound is still fresh, don't make any drastic life-altering decisions. Take it one day at a time.
Avoid the temptation to try to "punish" her. If you need her to make some concessions like with her phone or whatever because that's what you need to survive right now, make sure you're doing it because it's what you need. You both need to be a team if you're going to reconcile.
I'm not sure if you saw my book recommendations from your last thread, but I'll repeat them here: Healing From Infidelity by Michele Weiner-Davis is like field medicine, it's meant to stop the bleeding and it's almost like individual/couples counseling on its own (as in, it has different messages for each of you for different stages of your recovery. Whereas Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass is like long-term care, a deeper read meant to help you get more understanding.
>I really wish we could work through this. I just wish he would try, and care, and love me.
I'm sending you a big huge hug. 💗 I have been here and know exactly how you feel. I'm still crawling out of it myself, in fact.
That's all I wanted was for my husband to try, care, and love me. It's so hard to face the reality. What I've kept in mind, though, is that I want to be with someone who does try, care, and love. Not someone I have to convince to love me. I don't want my kids to see this dysfunction as their example of a marriage. I deserve better and they deserve better.
You guys may be able to work through this eventually, but you can only act based on what he's showing you right now. And right now he's not being a good partner. He's not doing the necessary things to repair and reconcile and make you feel safe & love.
So you act based on that. Read this book.
I really feel for you. It sucks to have put in so much time and effort with someone who now says he's not sure if he wants to be with just you. But you're really in a good position. You're not married and don't have kids, right? Let him go figure himself out and don't let him play with your emotions anymore. He will know where to find you if he changes his mind, and at that point you can decide if you even want to take a chance on him again.
Someone else mentioned the Chump Lady website. That's an excellent one, and she has a book too that's an excellent read. Here's the link.
In your previous post you said he's controlling you because he thinks he will cheat. Is that correct? This is really abusive and not ok. I hope you can make a plan to get out of there.
I recommend this on your other post, but please get ahold of this book asap and read it.
Are you in the US? If you can't buy the book because he's controlling that too, you can read it free through the Libby app on your phone. Just find a way to read it. I'm sorry you're in this situation. Do you have a plan to get out?
I just thought of a book I wanted to recommend, if you haven't already read it. It's called "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. Would probably be really helpful for you. You can read it (or listen to it) free on your phone through the Libby app, or buy it here.
He's doing that because it's easier than being accountable for himself. But it's not ok. He's controlling and manipulating.
Don't participate in his game. Don't allow him to make the rules. It will set a routine and you guys can get stuck there for years. This book (you can read it for free on the Libby app, just need a library card) and these podcasts helped me a lot. Hopefully they'll be helpful for you, too.
My old trauma had to do with feeling like my parents stopped loving me when I let them down. I had learned a habit from that. Hide failures. Hide negativity. Lie. My parents saw a lot of totally forged report cards, and it worked. They didn’t stop loving me if I gave them a rock solid forged report card that said I got a C instead of a D.
For me the change started when my wife said “I forgave you for that” about, I forget what it was. I can tell you where we were, I can tell you exactly which parking space in the church parking lot. I felt like no one had ever said that to me in my entire life. It was huge, the idea that she could forgive me. Ironic that it was a church parking lot.
If you are open to book suggestions, try this one. Loving Conflict https://www.amazon.com/dp/0999863606/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_YR5XHVWB09CKV7W0T4FS it is about that miscommunication he is experiencing. The author does online session too and I feel like those changed me fundamentally. I learned so much about listening from him. My wife felt like it was, ok, but he rocked my world, in like 6 sessions. He says it’s not therapy, but it’s exactly what I want out of therapy.
I have a huge issue with such large age gaps (aside from the fact that this is an affair). AP is barely out of her teenage years and he's old enough to be her dad. It's really predatory for someone to go after someone so much younger, especially late teens–early 20s.
Besides that issue, how do you feel about waiting for him to decide if he wants to be with you or his AP? I did the pick-me dance with my WH and I know it doesn't feel good. It feels terrible and made me feel awful about myself.
There unfortunately isn't a chance to reconcile as long as he's still seeing her and has no remorse. I'm so sorry he's put you and your kids in this position. Please read this book. It's full of straight-talk encouragement and she tells you exactly what it will look like if he's truly wanting to reconcile.
This is really not ok. He doesn't "lose control" (I know that's what he's claiming, but that's not what's happening), he's being abusive. Please read this book asap, it explains exactly these situations and what's going on.
Yes, he's hurt from the infidelity, but this is not ok behavior at all and you shouldn't accept it or stick around while he's behaving this way. It's dangerous for you and your kids.
Do you have a trusted family member? Tell them what's going on and go stay with them if you have that ability. It's ok if your husband doesn't like that idea. Safety first. Get you & your kids to safety, read that book, and make a plan for yourself.
If I'm understanding right, you're saying that you used to date coworkers before you were with your husband, and your husband is severely controlling you now because he thinks you're going to cheat? Is that right? This is abuse. Please get this book and read it as soon as possible. This is not ok for him to treat you this way and you don't have to let it continue. Do you have a therapist you can talk to?
Have you both read Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction https://www.amazon.com/dp/1568386214/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_MZHW7FZWN0WQHSJ9CPXM ? I found it helpful in terms of understanding what I was doing.
I can offer suggestions later. I’m waiting for a thing to start at work right now.
If you are willing to give it a final go, please consider these 2 resources:
Retrouvaille: https://www.helpourmarriage.org/
book: Love and Respectlove and respect
You have. Othing to lose, and these are resources for marriages that feel absolutely hopeless. If you've posted here, then I am going to guess you are willing to try a new approach?
Yeah it is helpful for facilitating discussion. Another book that doesn’t have exercises but is really helpful for discussing is how can I get through to you
My partner and I did this book -Happy Together. It has exercises at the end of every chapter if my memory serves me correctly.
I think you’re in a rough spot. Don’t know that I’d agree your husband is a sex addict so much as horny, curious and afraid of anyone learning he isn’t perfect. That doesn’t mean he isn’t cheating, and technically anything a person has to do in secret without telling their partner can be considered breaking trust.
There is a book you will either love or hate that might be of interest to you? If you hate the idea of it, no worries either! [Pure](https://www.amazon.com/Pure-Inside-Evangelical-Movement-Generation/dp/1501124811/ref=nodl_
https://www.amazon.com/Transcending-Post-Infidelity-Stress-Disorder-Healing-ebook/dp/B005JWUEAU
That’s the link to the book. I think his excuse for not getting a new counselor sounds cheap. If this mattered to him he’d do it. You’d do it if roles were reversed right? But marriage counseling might make you feel like you did everything you could and that’s what matters. Sometimes it’s us who needs to feel that all the boxes were checked to know we can’t fix the broken. I’d journal about it then make a decision. Why can’t you leave him? I mean he sounds needy and unyielding. It was never about what you did or didn’t do. Why do you have to be perfect and yet he cheated? Why do you think you need to prove your worthy of him? Shouldn’t he prove he’s worthy of a loving, bending, and loyal wife? What do you get? A cheater who can’t see what an awesome person he is with?
My WP did the same. Asked me to be his GF, asked me to move in, proposed marriage. He was cheating all along. I didn’t ask for any of these formal commitments. He pursued me only to betray me.
I’m reading a book on commitment phobic people. It’s helping me see that it’s not my fault I was rejected. In fact, perhaps it was because I was too good for him that he did this to himself. I’m collateral damage in a pattern that long predated me. And I resent being roped into this under the auspices of love.
Be gentle with yourself. Seek healing from within. Don’t look to others for that. It’s inside you.
The book is here for whomever may need it: Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart https://www.amazon.com/dp/0871319993/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_K9WGJG7TQAJ2XSAKR6ZZ?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
My therapist draws a lot from Gottman for her advice to my wife and I. There is also a book on intimacy restoration that she recommended we work through when ready: The Couple's Guide to Intimacy: How Sexual Reintegration Therapy Can Help Your Relationship Heal
I would also recommend Hold on to Your N.U.T.s by Wayne Levin.
One of the biggest things about the "Nice Guy" problem is we tend to shoulder problems without complaint, but instead withdraw. Setting up boundaries and defending them - with ourselves as well as with others - is a necessary tool.
We got this and it is pretty good. It doesn’t have as many of the sex related ones so it is lower pressure on that kind of discussion.
We read this book - it helped both of us understand what the other is going through. It made me understand that what I was feeling wasn't crazy. It explains that some people need all of the details to get through it. She is going to be uncomfortable - suck it up buttercup. It may help both of you.
Healing from Infidelity: The Divorce Busting® Guide to Rebuilding Your Marriage After an Affair
Michele Weiner-Davis
WS here. A book that really helped me was Linda MacDonald's "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair". It provides an excellent set of guidelines about changing behaviours, what the BS could expect and boundaries to set, and a timeline for rebuilding trust (18 months!)
https://www.amazon.ca/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
(not that i'm promoting amazon, it's just what came up 1st...)
Nope. His addiction cycle is different but he still has one. And abstinence is important. If he doesn’t have it yet I recommend Facing the Shadow [3rd Edition]: Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery https://www.amazon.com/dp/0985063378/
>I know it’s easier to move on but I’m just hoping things will change. Looking into a couple’s therapy to sort out our feelings. How effective is this?
It will not change, she has a character flow that will drag you down in misery!
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>She’s about to quit this work place in less than a month and start a new job next month. Everything should go back to normal is what she thinks once she quits but I’m scarred for life now.
Changing jobs doesn't help at all!
It's not a workplace problem it's a character problem!
What happens if she meets another attractive co-worker, a player, who knows how to push her buttons?! What will happen now that you know what type of woman she is?!
Buddy, save what's left of your dignity and self respect and move on with your life, you have damaged yourself enough..
Your unhealthy attachments and codependency is a huge problem that you need to sort out or it will be your undoing!
Love is not an excuse to compromise on your values!
This will help you so much: Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life by Tracy Schorn
You will thanks me later!
You have very good chances of success if he is engaged and willing not just to change, but to learn and grow with you!
You will both find that if you follow a good plan, that you will both be happier and more in love with each other than you previously were.
So, I'm happy to hear it sounds like he's on board!
I have been posting some articles, info, and tools to this sub. I highly recommend utilizing the questionnaires and worksheets I linked, as they are invaluable tools to guiding your recovery.
Another tip may be to get the book "He Wins, She Wins:"
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0800722515/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_fab_e1nzFb0PRZZSW
The writing style is very easy to read and digest.
You could make a bit of an activity out of it: at the end of the day, you could cuddle in bed and read a chapter aloud together, and discuss what you learned from each reading.
Sending internet hugs over your way. I undertand the anguish you are going through. At this point from my perspective, two things need to happen so that she does something, anything to show you she can be trusted.
1) She goes to IC to see why she this type of behavior as an adult is necessary. I don't care what is going on in your lives, stepping out and betraying your trust is not an option. All the responsibility you have put on you, take it off. Im serious....don't let her scapegoat her lapses in judgement with issues in your marriage. People need to really think about for better or worse in their vows more carefully. Its easy to wander off and not work on things and blame you. She made a decision to bring other people in the middle of your marriage without your consent and left you in the dark.
2)Hire a PI and let him uncover the rest you know is there but she refuses to own up to. It should give you evidence and i mean clear evidence to get you what you need so YOU can make an informed decision for yourself.
Alternate option: Set up this router and you will be able see everything that transpires on your home network.
Netgear Nighthawk X6S AC3600 Tri-Band WiFi Router https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07S1RYL3T/ref=cm_sw_r_other_apa_i_ErdwFbX6NAD1W
I have an 18 year old dog that got lost last Saturday. We found him. Beginning of dementia and cataracts so I was looking on Amazon for a small tracker that I can put on him.
I ordered my sage off Amazon. I think it’s white sage.
PURPLE CANYON White Sage Bundles - (3 Pack) - Sage Smudge Stick for Home Cleansing Incense Healing Meditation and California Smudge Sticks Rituals (4 Inch) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08589GXMM/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_43W8EbFVWCWR1
Would love to hear more about the cleansing with water, salt and vinegar. I’m not familiar with that.
Hi OP,
A great place for you to go visit is http://survivinginfidelity.com
The have a great library of resources on healing and many wonderful commenters. I would also recommend you have your partner read the book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" Amazon link here:
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
I wish you well and please stay safe.
IMO, How to Help your Spouse heal from Your Affair is the gold standard. You both should read it. Bonus is that it is short and concise.
It's definitely more than that. My IC loaned me a book to read, After the Affair by Janis Spring. My WS has been reading it too. We are finding it very helpful, and I highly recommend it, especially if MC is not an option. It's $11 on Amazon, and they might have it at the library (https://www.amazon.com/After-Affair-Healing-Rebuilding-Unfaithful/dp/0062122703/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=after+the+affair+by+janis+spring&qid=1567124389&s=gateway&sprefix=after+the+aff&sr=8-1)
In Alcoholics Anonymous there is a saying "Our Best got us here." It's not a matter of doing their best. It's a matter of doing what is right and what it takes for him to stop his wayward mindset.
This isn't a phase, you don't grow out of it. It requires heavy lifting in therapy in order to break through the layers of entitlement, selfishness, and self-centeredness to figure out what is really in there where he needs to form emotional and sexual bonds with other women to try to fill what empty void lies inside him.
Don't give up your safety and security for empty promises. I am not pro-reconciliation, nor am I pro-divorce. I am pro get out of infidelity.
Here is a book that might help you detach from the situation:
Let Go Now: Embracing Detachment
>So many of us spend so much time enmeshed in other people's problems, trying to solve or change them, that we don't really know where we begin and they end. Not reacting to people or situations that provoke us is not an easy skill to develop. It takes practice and conviction that not reacting, not increasing the drama, doesn't mean we don't care. On the contrary, we are freed to show genuine love and care only when we can detach from the knee-jerk need to fix, solve, rescue, or control.
I am sorry you are having to go through this.
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