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> He almost sees it as a chore to get done
> I want him to love me. To adore me. To want me. To make me feel like I’m the only woman in the world.
This sounds like an expectations thing where the two of you are out of sync. Have you actually talked to him outside of sex time about this?
> Does anyone else struggle with this?
Tons of people. The key is humility and a lot of conversations. A sex therapist might make it easier if needed.
The first thought that comes to mind here is that given your new background as a Christian, I would deeply push in to knowing who you are in Christ. I would accept the truth that you are washed clean and made new. I would accept the truth that Christ has cleansed you from your past sexual relations and that Christ can and does make all things new. I would really push in hard into these truths until they become a part of you - more than head knowledge, fight for heart-level realization here.
From this place of realizing that there is no condemnation and that Christ makes all things new I would simply ask Christ to cleanse you and give you a new mind and a new heart for sexuality. Ask Christ to cleanse away anything that is not of him and seal what is of him for your marriage bed. I would commit to praying this whenever sexual thoughts or memories come up and always keep your eyes on who Christ has made you and his power of redemption.
All this said - ultimately, you and your wife may enjoy and celebrate aspects of this sexuality. But rather than taking these past experiences and using them as fuel, what I'm encouraging here is renew your mind so as to present a mind clear and free to your wife. Allow your sexuality to be molded and shaped by your wife rather than memories of someone else.
I would encourage you to read this book if this is an avenue you're wanting to explore - it's all about your identity as a saint and a child of God:
https://www.amazon.com/Victory-Over-Darkness-Realizing-Identity/dp/0830725644
(And this isn't hypothetical stuff to me here - my background is different, but I have experienced sexual healing. I spent 10 years in a battle with porn and masturbation and got free about two years before marriage. God cleansed me so thoroughly that my mind was basically a blank slate to be filled with images and experiences with my wife. Christ makes all things new.)
Read Just Do Something by Kevin DeYoung. It radically changed how I think about discerning God's will. Western Christians have a very distorted view.
> he doesn't ever offer to cook
> He doesn't buy me flowers, light candles or organise dates for us
You sound like an acts of service kind of woman. Go read Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages, figure out what your husband is, then start loving on him in his languages. He should naturally reciprocate. Try it for like one month and see if it works.
FYI: People typically have a primary and a secondary language. Use both of his (and get to know yours).
> What’s hard is that I don’t know what to do.
Just an observation friend, but it appears that you're measuring your spirituality by what you do rather than by who you are. In other words, you feel that you're a good Christian on the days when you read the Bible and pray but you feel like a bad Christian on the days when you don't.
It would seem to me that the cure here is to make an internal switch into a deeper acceptance of the Gospel. When Jesus died for our sins, he freed us forever from condemnation and performance. You're just as much a child of God on the days when you don't measure up to your internal standards as on the days when you do good deeds.
If this resonates, a book I'd recommend is this: Victory over the Darkness by Neil Anderson. The message is simple and powerful - if we try to act from a mindset of, "I have to do these things so I'll be a good Christian" we will burn out. If instead we change our mindset to, "I am a child of God seated with Christ in the heavens. Jesus paid for all of my failures and He loves me very much, regardless of if I have good or bad days." - then we will change how we live simply because it's who we are.
Regardless - praying for God's wisdom and guidance for you in this hard season.
You might find the new book The Making of Biblical Womanhood pretty interesting. It's great.
Unless you're living paycheck to paycheck and bouncing checks in order to pay the bills while struggling with crippling spending addiction, I don't find Ramsey's system helpful. I would recommend checking out You Need A Budget (r/ynab) and going through their education courses to learn the method. Unlike Ramsey's system, YNAB is not for rescue-resuscitation, it's for wise spending and saving for those who actually have some income/money and aren't on the ropes.
I’m so sorry you are in this position. I can tell you are hurting, and validly so. Your husband is not fulfilling his duty as a spouse, nor is he committing to the vows he made to you. This is clearly a problem in your marriage that he is at least part of.
However, you can not, and should not try to, control his actions. You are commanded to minister to your husband, to respect him, and submit to his authority (when it is in line with God’s commands for you, and the law of the land you’re living in). You can control your actions alone; any attempt to manipulate your husband will lead to worse issues, not fix anything.
I recommend reading Boundaries in Marriage: you need to figure out what your boundaries are, how to enforce them, and what that means for your marriage.
On another note, a lot of people have a lot of dumb things they say and ask newlyweds, especially if they don’t know you guys are struggling. Pray for grace (and more grace!!) when you encounter those comments: they might stop after years 2-3, but I doubt it.
Talking back to purity culture has been really helpful to me, and I highly recommend it. Super gospel focused as well as hyper aware of real life and real struggles.
Nice! Glad to hear someone else suggest this because I just bought a beautiful glass one on Amazon that'll be arriving tomorrow. The wife gave me permission to buy anything and I got a starter one. And glad to hear that both parties can use it.
Edit - for those observing on the side lines looking to check some stuff out, here's the one I bought. No images of anything beyond the product on this page: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01KL9EU3W/
I’m so sorry you’re in that position. If you’re interested in something that you can do while you wait for your spouse, The Love Dare is a book that tries to teach you how to love your spouse unconditionally, and one that I think could be helpful.
Just listened to the most solid piece of advice from Pastor John Piper on this topic. https://podcasts.google.com/?feed=aHR0cDovL2ZlZWQuZGVzaXJpbmdnb2Qub3JnL2Fzay1wYXN0b3Itam9obi5yc3M&episode=ZGVzaXJpbmdnb2Qub3JnLXJlc291cmNlLTE0Nzg4
I am confused why many comments seem to indicate "there's no purpose to being friends with women when you're married.." What? What about friendship for the sake of friendship? My wife and I have plenty of rewarding relationships with people of the opposite sex.
Consider that a lot of these comments put your neighbors sex (that is, class of person) above who she is as an individual. That you should see her as a temptation before seeing her as a human. Seems like not the greatest way to view the world.
There's a whole chapter on this sort of stuff within The Great Sex Rescue by Sheila Gregoire, I'd highly recommend reading that book.
Practically speaking, this is a great conversation to have with your wife. As others mentioned, it's a boundaries thing. Should you be allowed to have one-on-one conversations or hang-outs with women? My wife and I think so for our marriage, though you ought to chat through it and respect your wife's opinion.
So glad you have a good LLMD...they are so hard to come by!! Praying that your body just heals and recovers. I love that you reached out...and maybe next step would be to just find a counselor you can talk to!! Everyone needs coaching...even the best golfer in the world- has a coach! Sometimes our family members can't help but be biased...so that outside person can truly be beneficial. Make a date night happen...and ask how he is really doing...as it sounds like he needs support as well. I would totally reccomend this book...the author and her family struggle with Lyme disease and it takes a toll on their marriage. Maybe...something you could read through together? https://www.amazon.com/Together-Through-Storms-Biblical-Encouragements/dp/1784984728/ref=sr_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=sarah+walton&qid=1623332658&sr=8-3
I suggest getting this book and using it to have some conversations with her. https://www.amazon.ca/Dateable-Are-You-They-ebook/dp/B0033V4SEW/ref=sr\_1\_2?dchild=1&keywords=are+you+dateable&qid=1621294213&sr=8-2
I'd highly recommend reading The Great Sex Rescue by Shelia Wray Gergoire et al. It's new, and an incredible book. read it with your spouse if he's up for it.
Despite being very much a Christian book, I know a couple non-believers that have read it and found a lot of value. Basically, it sounds like reframing sex would be good for your relationship. He might see it as a purely physical release, and I'm not sure if you're getting much joy out of it. It should be different, pleasurable for both people, and an expression of your love rather than just orgasming for the sake of an orgasm.
> he was a virgin when we got married and I was not. This is honestly probably the root of our problem
No it’s not. It’s an expectations and knowledge problem. Your expectations are reasonable but he doesn’t have the knowledge he needs.
> I hate myself for this
If the Lord forgives you, you are required to forgive yourself if you truly desire to follow and obey Him. You aren’t evil.
> I'm extremely unsatisfied.
> he just doesn't last long enough. We'll have a long foreplay which is quite nice and oral sex goes well but when it comes to actual sex, he doesn't even last 30 seconds
How many times do you orgasm before him? (Rhetorical, don’t tell me. Just know it ideally would be multiple strong orgasms). Simply put: do more foreplay.
> it's been a year and it hasn't gotten any better
You’ve been married a year? I wasn’t good at sex for like two years. I’d imagine that mileage will vary for people. So your experience is normal. How many years did you have sex for before you “got good”? Think of it this way: you can guide him to be more effective for you. A “personal porn star for one,” if you will.
> Honesty when I was wrongfully having sex as a young teenager my peers lasted longer
I know it’s impossible but try not to compare.
> He knows I'm unsatisfied and is willing to work on it but we simply don't know what to do, or where to start.
So I’m about to recommend a tool. I prefer the term tool (not toy) because a tool has a defined purpose. Usually a very express purpose. Toys are for children. Tools are what adults utilize to get a specific result. Right now you are trying to dig a hole with yours hands.
And a shovel. There’s a purple one.
Since you are anonymous, I assume that won’t offend. God bless.
Hello, there. About 5 years ago, out of the blue, I started having around 15 panic attacks a day. A lot of factors went in to it. like your wife I thought I was dying and it was often triggered by some other health issue that would have my worry and anxiety spin out of control. I’ve pretty much been healed of anxiety except for the occasional anxiety from stress but no panic attacks. One thing i learned is that it’s a process. You need to reduce her overall stress to even get her to a point where she can start to tell what’s going on. Also, on the road to recovery with anxiety it’s hard to see the cause. I might deal with something that will get my stress up today but i won’t notice that I’m holding onto it till a couple days later when I break. I would get better for a few days, have a set back, weeks, have a set back, months, have a set back. Once you find the pattern of how your body reacts it’s very easy to identify your triggers. These things helped me the most : PRAYER!!!!! SLEEP!!!Exercise, intense exercises, running, sprints. Stretching. 7-7-7-7 breathing and 4-4 breathing, cold showers, grounding, walking barefoot in the grass, supplementing with magnesium. Magnesium is a huge part of my ongoing health. I can tell my resistance to anxiety is worE when I don’t take magnesium. I recommend this brand:
https://www.amazon.com/Non-Laxative-Absorption-Bioavailable-Bisglycinate-Supplement/dp/B010HJXQMC
Learning to accept anxiety is also huge. Having a panic attack while your at work or in class or in a situation where it not ideal and being able to say I’m having a panic attack but I can’t let it rule my life and just sitting through it. Every time this happens it’s an opportunity to get stronger.
It’s a lot to go into but if you want to ask me any question feel free to message me.
My wife and I found this book to be very instructive as a young, inexperienced couple. The authors are devout Christians, the book gives very frank advice but in a very godly manner.
(Not shilling for Amazon, that was just the first link that came up.)
I read this to help me deal with infidelity in my relationship. Even though it was long over I had a difficult time not feeling haunted by it.
It’s not a specifically Christian book but I do think it was helpful
OP, I think that after reading these comments I also agree that you should realize it’s ok if you want to wait, premarital counseling is amazing, and prayer is always beneficial irregardless of what your dilemma is. You don’t want to carry this much fear into a marriage, so I think you seeking counsel and resolution is wise. Bring open with your fiancé is wise. Good for you on those points.
A helpful question we were asked before we got married was, “Does being with this person encourage you to be more like Christ?” It really helped me put my brain in the right space.
A great book too is this one by the Raineys. We went through it as newly weds, a little late lol, but it was useful! Preparing for Marriage Devotions for Couples: Discover God's Plan for a Lifetime of Love https://www.amazon.com/Preparing-Marriage-Devotions-Couples-Discover/dp/0764215477
I am sorry to see so much “advice” on this sub crossing into being patronizing. While your age is definitively not the norm for marriage in my culture, and nor is the age gap, it sounds like those two things culturally are not as big a deal for you. I do agree that you are young and should not feel pressure to get married based on age or even tradition, but I don’t think that rules out marriage. And I don’t know your fiancé, so I can’t comment on his character.
Also please know that you will be prayed for this evening, to have clarity of mind and wisdom.
"What to expect when you're expecting"
​
This is NOT a 'Christian' book, but is completely full of detailed info and advice. My wife used her copy for all 4 of her pregnancies.
> She hasnt climaxed in weeks
First, see a doctor.
Second, why don’t you focus only on your wife next time? Like, give her a massage and use your hands to get her off. Or use this. It’s just a tool for a specific purpose.
How old are you?
You are in an abusive relationship. It sounds like your wife has a personality disorder or some other serious mental health condition. It's not going to get better unless she commits to therapy, and even then it might not. Some people in this sub will tell you otherwise, but you don't have to put up with this. I would strongly recommend you read this book: Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist. You will probably need to leave her for the sake of you and your children.
These are some mega boundary issues going on. He needs to be able to set boundaries with his mother, as she is stomping all over his (and yours). There's actually a book on this that is written for Christians and is really helpful.
Sure many Dad's want shared custody...but had this happen to a friend...husband changed pediatricians and left her off the new patient records, left her off the school registration, changed bank accounts, drugged her tea, bugged the home and her cell phone, put oil in her windshield wiping fluid resulting in a minor accident, suddenly became an active volunteer at the church, etc. It made her looked uninvolved and unstable although she was a good mother. There are lawyers that coach men on this kind of stuff to build a case. Just saying...be prepared.
On Amazon: "You can win custody of your children. You can win child support. You can win your home. You don’t have to pay alimony. You don’t have to pay spousal support. Make your STBX (Soon To Be Ex) pay for your court costs and get visitation.
And the best part, is that I’m just like you. I’m not a lawyer. I’m just a regular guy who did it mostly on my own, beat the odds and still won it all.
You can too."
Hey OP! Might I suggest you get this book?👇
https://www.amazon.ca/Great-Rescue-Sheila-Wray-Gregoire/dp/1540900827
It’s a book written and researched by Christian women, and you and your spouse could work through it together. It’s been immensely helpful in my marriage!
God Bless you both, as you walk together through this time.
Real talk: do you intend to marry? Good pre-marital counseling should talk about sex, awkward as that can be and get this all out on the table. My wife and I, years ago, used a much older version of this resource to at least try to self-help our pre-marital counseling (the pastor we had at the time didn't care to offer us any--long story). Specifically, you should talk about the ideal frequency of sex (I know that may be strange when you are virgins); your expectation of daily and her expectation of almost never, for example, should be out in the open before you marry; again, a good counselor will guide you two through that in an appropriate way. Part of that conversation may be: what happens when you are ready to go and she isn't? What is your expectation there and what is hers? Just like money, in-laws, child rearing, and more, that's important to put out there before marriage.
TL;DR: Pre-marital counseling
I had a similar experience for a little over a year. I think other commenters have given a good overview of possible things that might be contributing to the problem, but I just wanted to hop in and say that this is an area that deserves both of your effort to communicate with each other and be on the same page. It’s important!
I would caution you to not have sex that leaves you feeling used, sad, or disconnected from your husband. This is something I didn’t realize it was okay to do, and I could have protected myself from emotional trauma and influenced change by setting a boundary for myself earlier.
Lastly, I recommend both spouses reading The Great Sex Rescue. Growing up in purity culture era, my husband and I realized that we needed to unlearn quite a few things and we are so much better and more connected for it. Ooh and the kindle version appears to be on sale today!
Three books that I would most recommend:
1) The Family, The House, and The Kingdom of God by Tyler J. Bratcher : https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0B4F5YLZ5/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_06JZ8413SKJAHMSRH81K
2) Family Revision by Jeremy Pryor 3) Reforming Marriage by Doug Wilson
As one of those Christian Sex Therapists, I gotta give this one my seal of approval. Perfect feedback! Also, for OP, a book I would recommend is When Sex Hurts: https://www.amazon.com/When-Sex-Hurts-Womans-Banishing/dp/0738213985
Congratulations on your marriage!! I'm happy for you both!!
I'm also very happy to hear how much you value your husband to learn more about a difficult passage.
It's not a completely direct parallel, but covers much of the same stuff plus some others that you didn't think you needed to ask, but I highly recommend "Love and Respect".
The premise is based on Ephesians 5 (I think verse 32?) Where it finished the book by saying a husband needs to live his wife and she needs to respect him.
It's a practical working out of what you're asking and there's a lot of great confidence avoidance and resolution stuff in there too. I've been married 20 years now and that is the book that I most commonly use to navigate tricky marital situations.
Here's a link: Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; the Respect He Desperately Needs https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01BYISFHG/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_V09XXK9JYRXSW1B7P80P
Hey there. Wow that sounds so sad and lonely. I’m really really sorry about this and I’m grieved that the intimate and supportive relationship marriage is supposed to be isn’t happening for you. That’s so sad!
It sounds like you’re right, your husband is immature. Our lives are complicated, but you illustrate a man who continuously breaks boundaries regarding trust, truth, and character. This resource is often recommended here, but I would love to send you a book that helped me when I was in a terrible relationship. Reading it made me understand that it would not be possible to continue in the relationship, but others have read it and found great success implementing the strategies. The great thing about this book is that it only requires your effort. It doesn’t promise that your marriage will succeed, but you will have everything you need to force a sink-or-swim situation with your husband, which it sounds like he needs as he is just taking advantage of your patience and forgiveness.
Here’s the book. If you DM me your address I will send a copy to you.
https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Marriage-Dr-Henry-Cloud/dp/1480554995
Do you start with foreplay or do you just ask her straight out to have sex? Maybe you need to warm her up and make her feel comfortable. What if you just focus on her pleasure without her having to do anything else? I think making the crack about doing missionary for the next 50 years made her feel like she can't please you, so she gave up. You should apologize and tell her that you'll love her no matter what.
Also, I recommend Cordyceps mushroom powder. I purchased it during Covid because it helps lung inflammation, not knowing that it also increases libido. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B074WL37DN
I am so sorry!
I posted the wrong link.
The book I meant to suggest is called “Love & Respect”
It’s for Christian Married Couples.
Here’s the link:
I’m a Christian & a Married Man. First let me relate to you… I know what it feels like to be disrespected on a nearly daily basis & the toll it can take on your motivation to go on…
The biggest help My Wife & I have found so far is this book called “Love & Respect.”
We’re still reading it, it’s so good!
I’m not a reader at all, but we’re blasting through pages after page till my Wife falls asleep basically.
This book validates me soooooo much!
These days everything seems to cater to the Wife & point the finger at the Husband. And there’s lots of counselors that will do that too, they’ll take it easy on the Wife — knowing full well she’s the one starting all the fighting etc…
I want to remind you, God hates divorce. I know at times it can seem like the most logical thing to do.
But please get this book!
First of all, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It sucks (you can check out my story in my history if you want. You’re not alone.).
have him read Worthy of Her Trust I also read this one myself so I could get an idea of what to expect and what to ask for.
Also have him read The Love Dare
Therapy for him and/or both of you, possibly also for you as well
Talk to your pastor
Come check out r/AsOneAfterInfidelity
I suggest reading https://www.amazon.com/Great-Sex-Rescue-Recover-Intended/dp/1540900827 really good book that looks at a survey of 20,000 evangelical woman, their beliefs about sex and the impact it has on sexual satisfaction, frequency of sex etc.
Well worth exploring underpinning belief systems etc.
I lovingly implore you to read Benefit of the Debt. It changed my life in this respect and others.
Benefit of the Debt: How my husband's porn problem saved our marriage. https://www.amazon.com/dp/1545629609/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_VZ4AST4CH4MJPVC2PQTY
Exactly. That’s why I recommend everyone read Benefit of the Debt. Title might seem off but It really helps. It talks about this exact thing.
Benefit of the Debt: How my husband's porn problem saved our marriage. https://www.amazon.com/dp/1545629609/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_VZ4AST4CH4MJPVC2PQTY
A little over a year ago, when I was confronted with the possibility that I was in an emotionally/psychologically/spiritually abusive relationship i did a lot of google searching on what that meant exactly. I came across this book The Emotionally Destructive Marriage and it really put things into perspective for me. The book may help to answer some of these religious questions you have as well. Ultimately, only you can decide if you should stay or go, but I will say that an abusive marriage (of any kind) is not what God intended when he designed marriage.
If you ever need someone to talk to about this, please don’t hesitate to DM me.
I second the Five Love Languages. The VIDEO is on Amazon Prime Video for $1.99!
The video is totes cheesy, but SO FUN!!!! If possible get a few couples together and go through it together. Here is the quiz for free!
Remember that the Love Languages is a really broad way to guage how someone feels loved. Mine has changed between two a few times, so if you ever feel like your "love tank" is empty even after your spouse has tried to love you....might be time for a check up. You do change as you age. :)
In the U.S., sometimes very pious women will choose to cover our hair, but not completely, and usually in a way that doesn’t look unusual or attract attention in public. Some women wear bandanas this way.
Usually Pentecostal omen do this in my experience.
You can’t expect someone to continue that practice for life, though. Just because she may feel that it’s good to do this now doesn’t mean that she always will.
Couple of thoughts:
There are many books that offer question-a-day kinds of things. I plan to get this one for my wife soon, as it has 365 questions and places to answer them 3 times, so you can see your answers evolve over the course of 3 years.
We recently picked up this from Cracker Barrel. We used them on a roadtrip last month, and we really enjoyed them! Sparked some great conversations.
> I’m almost 40f and still can’t figure out how to orgasm
> How does one explore sexual arousal or how to become aroused mentally and physically or how to orgasm when nothing vanilla has ever led to either despite my husband and I best efforts?
OK, so your husband’s on board. The rest of your post is overthinking things. Here are my two best recommendations:
1) Go to an ABC/package store and purchase some Smirnoff caramel vodka, then plan ahead for Friday night, and do one shot every 15 minutes until you feel relaxed. 2) Purchase this and get your husband to use it on you until you’ve orgasmed three or four times. Use lubrication.
Sorry to jump right into it, but dang. My heart really goes out to you. Jesus wants you to enjoy sex, otherwise he wouldn’t have made it enjoyable at all. These two things are totally permissible. And as long as neither of you are alcoholics, then you should be fine.
>I know as a husband that I am commanded to wash her in the Word as Christ does us
You are doing a good job looking to start family devotions. But let me at least put your mind at ease that you are not commanded to wash your wife. Ephesians 5:25-27 says:
>Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.
The only part of that verse that is a command is the part I bolded. The rest of the verse is describing what Christ did for the church.
I suggest a daily devotional of around 15 minutes and having it right after your evening meal. I'm a fan of the Treasury of Daily Prayer.
Haven’t done a “consistent schedule” like what you are talking about. But we do plan ahead a lot of times, typically the day or two before. I enjoy knowing ahead of time, and honestly it helps me get in the mood. I get why your wife struggles if other people are in the home, there’s an element of emotional concentration that has to happen on the female side and if we’re distracted it’s difficult to get in the right frame of mind. It really kills the mood.
Kudos to you for searching for compromise, and options that please your wife. It’s nice to hear of someone working through relationship struggles while esteeming the other!
To the second part of your question: I have not crossed that menopausal bridge yet, but I have heard that being generous with patient foreplay and lube helps. There is a section of this book on the topic, we read this as newly weds and it was a very encouraging read. (Tho I think this is the revised version which I haven’t read.)
https://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Intimacy-Marriage-William-Cutrer/dp/0825445213
I cannot recommend the book A Celebration of Sex enough:
https://www.amazon.com/Celebration-Sex-Enjoying-Sexual-Intimacy/dp/0785264671
Someone recommended it to us before we got married and I'm so glad we read it. Hubby and I both learned things about the opposite sex we didn't know...and even things about our own bodies we didn't know!
It's written for Christian couples who are totally new to sex.
“Couples with cohabitating experience are between 50 to 80 percent more likely to divorce than couples with no such experience” -Dr. Sean McDowell Chasing Love : Sex, Love, & Relationships in a Confused Culture
> most women need clitoral stimulation of some sort to reach orgasm, and that isn’t always easy
> The key to a woman orgasming is not penis size, but rather making her feel safe and cherished, open communication and a willingness to learn what works for your particular wife.
I recommend that you check out the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy". I think you would highly benefit from its' message as someone who keeps trying to negotiate transactional sex.
Sounds like classic introvert/extrovert issues. My wife and I have gone through this too.
First, know that when your husband's needs time to himself, it's not because he doesn't love you or doesn't like being around you. It's just how introverts recharge their batteries.
Second, your husband needs to understand that as much as he needs his alone time, you need together time. It's how you recharge your batteries as an extrovert.
What has worked for my wife and I is scheduling. Monday and Wednesday evenings are time to ourselves, Tuesday and Thursday are time together, and weekends are a mix of both.
The book, Quiet is really good to understand how an introvert's brain works.
That's a great question! I think it was CS Lewis who likened sex to fire--it is indeed a good thing and can bring a lot of warmth when used within a house in a chimney, it's a terrific aid for cooking, etc. But when it out of control it can wreak havoc and burn whole villages down.
Chastity is not about "not having sex" (that's called continence), but about living God's plan for our sexuality, and in reverence for the glory of God's image in the other--chastity is the force that frees love from egotism, use, and violence. The marital act, when lived in the spirit of a total gift of self among spouses, is a mutual conferring and participation in Christ's love for his Church (cfr. Eph 5:31-32) and according to Christian mystic Adrienne Von Speyr, it can even bring forth graces of conversion and holiness. However, when sex is lived outside of the marital bond, it becomes a mockery and a negation of the holy image it represents--akin to trying to Baptise someone with motor oil. It can't help but be an egotistical self-seeking activity that negates the spousal meaning of the body.
As a sidenote, I think you'll profit a lot from reading any sort of book expanding on this; my personal favorite being Christopher West's Theology of the Body for Beginners. You'll fall in love with God's plan for sexuality and marriage, and see yourself experiencing a desire to avoid any kind of sin that would disfigure this sign.
I posted something similar about a week ago, although my situation is very different. https://www.reddit.com/r/Christianmarriage/comments/e4l7hv/i_was_emotionally_abusive_to_my_husband_and_he/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
Here is another great resource on tough love. A plan for seperation as guided by a Christian phd. He talks here about steps to take to bring about desired change through clear communication and if necessary, ultimatums. I think he has a book about the steps to take too. https://podcasts.google.com/?feed=aHR0cHM6Ly9pZG9udHdhbnRhZGl2b3JjZS5saWJzeW4uY29tL3Jzcw
https://podcasts.google.com/?feed=aHR0cHM6Ly9hdXRoZW50aWNpbnRpbWFjeS54MzYyLmNvbS9wb2RjYXN0L2ZlZWQ&episode=MjRjYzBkODktNTc2YS00ZTk2LTk4ZDMtNzA2MmU3YWUwNDU1 listened to this podcast. Thought of you.
Deployments are hard, & I thank you for your husband’s service. You are well within your rights to not send those photos. If that’s how you feel then that’s how you feel. you have to explain this to your husband from a place of love, & remind him his job is to protect your dignity, and do his best to make you feel comfortable. If he is scared that not sending the photos will lead to issues with pornography then that also should be part of the discussion, & I recommend this book to help him see the truth
https://www.amazon.com/Chasing-Love-Relationships-Confused-Culture/dp/1087707293/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?adgrpid=113393482471&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI0oWko62G8wIVPObjBx1T0QneEAAYAiAAEgJFpvD_BwE&hvadid=470179302426&hvdev=m&hvlocphy=9011767&hvn... hopefully the links help you and your marriage. God bless you and remember with God all things are possible.
I know I'm late on this but:
- You don't have ED. This was a reaction to bad sex. Not all sex is good all the time.
- Stress and anxiety isn't going to help.
As a former porn addict myself, sometimes we need to remember how to have GOOD human to human sex. My husband and I read this, and while we have a really great thing going, it never hurts to get tips. This is a brand new book, and from a woman's perspective, I encourage all ment to read it. Have your wife read it too.
Yes, man looks at the outside, but God looks at the heart. Thanks for your kind words. I'm sure that your girls will choose well!
You are talking about men; do not forget that women watch porn too, and in growing numbers (according to research in The Netherlands). This is affecting all of us.
There definitely is a turning back and it doesn't have to be the new norm. But it takes effort to protect oneself, these days. My kids were very young when they accidentally opened a porn site, right there in our living room... I decided then and there that we needed protection :-) Luckily, there are technologies available that help filter that stuff out; in our home, everything that goes over our internet connection is checked by OpenDNS for instance. I'd encourage everyone to check that (or similar technologies) out: https://www.opendns.com/home-internet-security/ It's no silver bullet but it's an easy start.
"Plenty of Fish" is free and I think has more people your age than Christian Mingle/eHarmony. I don't think it's strictly Christian since Match.com bought it out, but plenty of christians on there and you can filter for what you're looking for.
Also, lots of cities seem to have "Christian Singles" groups through MeetUp.com. At least in the towns I've lived in there have been. They seem to do the same social stuff (movies, games, pizza, bowling) that your college ministry is probably doing, but without the stigma against dating.
"where they do the complete housewife gig and while I see plenty of value in that, I just know that I could likely never be anything like them."
You need to ask yourself where this "knowledge" comes from and whether it is of the Lord or of the world.
As for your leadership abilities it will serve you in spades when you have to deal with rowdy children.
And if you think that it is easy to simply submit or have patience when it comes to dealing with your husband and you probably don't understand what it means to have a strong will.
https://www.amazon.com/Power-Transformed-Wife-Lori-Alexander/dp/099816870X
I recommend you read the power of the transformed life boon the life book in its entirety and withhold your judgment until the end.
Your son is 3? This has been amazing for my family. Sometimes I come out in tears... Just read these after breakfast or dinner. I think there are study guides/questions to go with it.
You should help her see why sex is not only "allowed" and "not a sin" in marriage (as you know), but also an actual, positive good which is part of out sharing in God's free, total, and faithful love (it is as man and woman together that we're his image [cfr. Gen 1:27] and it is in marriage that we participate in Christ's love for his Church). I don't know if you're familiar with the Theology of the Body, but a great reading you can both share is this introduction by Christopher West. The basic theme is that sex is a sign and participation in God's love, and thus also a means of growing in holiness, and even healing from wounds.
Puritanism has unfortunately caused many evils, and this is why some have a lot of trouble understanding why something that was previously "bad", "shameful" and "sinful" before marriage can suddenly turn to its opposite after a marriage ceremony. The answer is that sex is not bad (and never was). It is a beautiful gift from God (He invented it in the first place), but it must be lived in the context of a free, faithful and total gift of self (ie. marriage) to be a true communication of what it is. Seeing the body as 'evil' springs from the gnostic heresy that said that creation was a bad thing (and only the spirit a good one) and thus denied that Christ could have truly incarnated among us (by failing to imagine that God would have anything to do with the material existence that we have).
Check out Codependent No More
You need to get out. Now.
You could both read this one, as her experience is not terribly different than yours (though she is with a Christian man, now): Sex, Jesus, and the Conversations the Church Forgot https://www.amazon.com/dp/0801019052/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_navT_g_1VYJM70FBHJF2V24XY8H
Even though you are already engaged I highly recommend this 101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged https://www.amazon.com/dp/0736913947/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_6MRDWWE9GAJBC7XTFR8M
101 questions before you get engaged
> Why is this happening
This is not actually a Christian-only, or non-Christian-only issue. It’s a gender issue. It’s also a knowledge issue. I found reading the wiki page helpful. The bottom line is that you need to marry a man that wants to learn how to pleasure you. That’s it. That’s the secret.
And for any man that’s reading this, using a tool to stimulate their wife’s clitoris to the point of orgasm just makes the job way easier. Honestly, I really don’t get the idea that men don’t want to use something designed to do this specific job in order to make the sexual experience significantly better for their wife. I mean, if you are the one bringing her to orgasm, that is a SUPER POTENT experience for both of you. My wife orgasms a full body orgasm AT LEAST 5 or 6 times every time we have sex. And it’s AWESOME for me to witness and be party to. STOP WASTING TIME ON YOUR EGO. The tool makes it pretty dang easy. And let me tell you (for all the selfish douches out there), my wife RECIPROCATES.
I think a combination of pervasiveness of porn, pervasiveness of chauvinism, and pervasiveness of pride, those are what lead to a man not being willing or interested in learning what pleasures a woman. And everything I wrote is a gross generalization - there are plenty of couples that don’t struggle with this. But that’s the best I can do with the type of question you asked.
John Gray is a pagan who studied under an Indian Guru. He advice sounds good, feels good, but it isn't biblical or Christian. David Coory seems to be another self-help guru that mixes in a little of this and a little of that, vitamins, gluten free and of course some bible. He wrote the Condensed Bible so "At last you can read the whole Bible, and you won’t be bored" What does Revelation 22:18-19 have to say about that.
I'd recommend: The Great Sex Rescue: The Lies You've Been Taught and How to Recover What God Intended. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08CJC5SNZ/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
I highly recommend it! If you don't want to go through a counselor, then I recommend the books Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts with the accompanying man/woman workbooks. The books cover a broad range of topics, give you tools to discuss them and it a great starting point for thinking through potential issues. My pastor and his wife went through these books with husband and me, and it was really valuable.
Most of the time if it hurts we will switch to something that is pleasurable for him, which can be hands, mouth, or rubbing on each other! But I know that he also loves to please me so we sometimes have separate times where it can be focused on him being pleased and some where it’s focused on me being pleased. Since at this time piv is not pleasurable to me.
My advise would be to pray that God reveals that to her. And to pray over all of this daily. And to be open with her about your values and the ways you feel. Think and process all of your feeling and then sit or lay with her and share your heart, be vulnerable. When you communicate try to use “I” statement. Don’t say “well you make me feel like sex isn’t a blessing” try to lovingly tell her “___ is why I believe sex is a blessing, and I’ve been praying (if you do pray) that we would be able to start and see sex as a blessing. I feel like sometimes we don’t see it that way and I’d like to be able to make love with you in a loving and satisfying way for both of us” tell her your desires to please her. Tell her how sexy she is to you; Everyday. Your woman must know daily how much you desire her and how she drives you crazy. Love on her.
You should read https://www.amazon.ca/Men-Only-Revised-Updated-Straightforward-ebook/dp/B001E2NXBG And your wife should read https://www.amazon.ca/Women-Only-Revised-Updated-about-ebook/dp/B001E2NXBQ/ref=pd_aw_vtp_1/141-0209269-4630018?pd_rd_w=DyNXQ&pf_rd_p=047da840-f435-4147-a53a-3628bc654a5c&pf_rd_r=KDNDYNFRNZM0DMA82819&pd_rd_r=ded32dcd-be00-4b69-a783-0899...
And then swap them and read the others perspective too. :)
> It’s really hard for me and takes a long time and stimulation and I feel terrible and afraid to ask my husband for help. It used to be that he would finish and he would hold me as I came with my own hands.
Get the purple one. It will change sex for you and you will likely want it more. Tell your husband it’s a tool, not a toy (something with a specific function to accomplish a specific task).
I have a dear friend whose mother was so jealous about her future son-in-law not proposing the way she (MIL) wanted, that she called her daughter and told her about the proposal just to ruin the surprise. It was really sad, the guy planned out this amazing scavenger hunt all over town and wanted to end with a proposal in front of their close friends and family.
I don't know your future MIL, but I wanted to share this just as a cautionary tale, because it sounds a bit like her with the Christmas present spoiler. I do not believe you need to cater to your future MIL to be respectful, as others have said. But people can get kind of crazy and entitled regarding weddings, so you may want to have a plan to minimize the damage she can do. Definitely important to set boundaries like this now, as it will only get harder when the wedding approaches, and even more difficult if you have children!
Here's a good book on setting boundaries as a Christian if you need some guidance in this area. Congratulations on your upcoming engagement!
I am the same! I kept waiting for the next stage or life as the one where I would finally be clean. This book was life changing. Or check out her blog A Slob Comes Clean. Basically, clean people make a habit of doing a little each day and it makes SUCH a difference. Unfortunately, the only thing that keeps my house clean is.... me cleaning my house. :( but done every day, it isn’t a project anymore and is made easy.
How to Manage Your Home Without Losing Your Mind: Dealing with Your House's Dirty Little Secrets https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01CXE9M5E/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_7TFKGEDARDK4WB587GFT
^^Yep, you change so much in your early 20s.
For biblical advice about dating/marriage, I strongly suggest reading "Outdated" by Jonathan Pokluda. It was just released a few weeks ago, but I've been listening to his preaching/podcasts for a few years now. He covers a lot of these topics in his "Becoming Something" podcast with Harris Creek Baptist Church (where he's lead pastor).
Many Christian men are sentimental nice guys.
https://www.amazon.com.au/More-Christian-Nice-Guy-Nice-Instead/dp/076420369X
There's nothing wrong with what you did. Being raped wasn't your fault, and having sex doesn't disrespect your future husband. If you feel like it was a mistake, it's okay to learn from it. But there's no point in beating yourself up. you don't gain anything from it. I'm really glad to hear that you're in therapy.
also, since you're getting married tomorrow, no harm in learning a little bit more about the importance of your pleasure. I think it's especially important for women who have experienced sexual trauma to take back feelings of control over their bodies. One great way to do that is to educate yourself about your body.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062484389/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_fabc_7896FbFA5TT2Z
I think it's important to educate yourself a lot more. you deserve to understand the beautiful body that you were given. It's yours, it's a gift, and there is absolutely nothing sinful or wrong with learning about it.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062484389/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_fabc_7896FbFA5TT2Z
Maybe it's time to open your mind to a more sex positive existence. I worry that if you are trying to avoid lustful thoughts you may also be avoiding important sexual education that you should be getting at around your age. For example, your wife is less likely to be happy with your sex life if you don't understand the entire anatomy of the clitoris. That's just an example, but it's true too. Education gives you the tools that you need to give your future sex life the best chance possible at success. a lot of your fears may be coming from unanswered questions.
I don't personally believe that masturbation or having lustful thoughts is a sin. But if you do, avoiding thinking about sex isn't going to get you what you want. If you want to be a good husband with a fulfilling sex life, LEARN about sex. Demystify it. Here's a good place to start. https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062484389/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_fabc_7896FbFA5TT2Z
It makes me sad that your beliefs are causing you to feel terrified about something that is wonderful and should be a source of joy. I think it's time to really explore where those feelings of fear are coming from and whether they are serving you.
Some women can’t orgasm for several reasons. Is she tired? Insecure? On medications that hinder orgasms? Are you paying attention to her clitoris? Are you being to rough? Too soft? Are you “sure” you have actually found her clitoris?
Lots to unpack. [https://www.amazon.com/Intended-Pleasure-Technique-Fulfillment-Christian/dp/0800719379]()
Trust me: the $35 is so worth it.
My wife and I found out about this when our first was only four months old. It knocked her out almost immediately. We brought it with us to the hospital when our second was born. We had it running in the room and the nurse noticed it and asked about it. She asked if she could take it with her to borrow it. We said sure.
Two hours later, she came back and told us that it knocked out two babies immediately and three others within five minutes. Prior to that, they had been crying and screaming and keeping each other awake for at least two hours.
I cannot oversell this thing. Trust me, it really, really works.
There’s this book called 101 nights of great sex my wife and I have tried and is very helpful for us since we are in a similar position. Both of us like what we have but it’s generally very vanilla (which is our favorite flavor of ice cream so why not be our favorite flavor of sex right?) anyways it gives a bunch of different ideas on how to make the night more interesting. It’s designed to push your comfort zone just a tad but not feel like you are going too far out of your way, and my wife and I agreed if something felt too off that we didn’t have to do it. It gives you a 2 page description of something to do but you have to rip it out of the book in order to read it. There are 50 for her to “host” the night and 50 for him. You read your page and try to follow the suggestions it gives. Then trade the book to the other spouse and have them try for the next special night. It’s meant to be done in a year but we are taking our time with it and have gone back and revisited some simple games or activities that we learned through it. I highly recommend it: 101 Nights of Great Sex
There's a few devotional books by Aaron and Jennifer Smith (Husband After God / Unveiled Wife) that contain a pretty decent list. I have the 31 Prayers for my Wife and 31 Prayers for my Daughter ones, but there's also:
31 Prayers for my Future Husband and
If you look at the Amazon links on a computer where you can use the "Look inside" feature, you can see the table of contents in the books and use the titles as a bit of a cheat sheet for the qualities you're looking for. Or you could just buy the book since they're like $10-12.
I'm not at all affiliated and those are plain Amazon links above. Just recommending since it seems to be pretty close to what you're looking for. And because the lists in those tables of contents are more exhaustive than you've received here so far.
Hey OP, it sounds like no matter which way things happened right now, you're still struggling with trust issues because instead of taking him at his word you came here. Which I'm not saying is a bad thing, I'm just saying something isn't sitting right and you wanted to make sure that at least the tech part was true. My point is, after you initially found out have you guys talked through or worked through all you were feeling or was it more of a that was a long time ago now let's drop it? Point being it's likely you're still holding on to some hurts, my husband and I have been slowly working through this book and it's been really helpful for healing things with us. The book was really good at voicing things I was thinking and helping us to understand each other. This book does touch more on sexual sin, but if this doesn't seem like the right fit for you, maybe a general book on trust building in marriage would help you both.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1601425368/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_o0LuFb1Q4G00X
I have a couple words of advice. As a man I can tell you that guys can be snakes, even Christian ones. Find out if the guy has a life of consistency and faithfulness. Is he active in his church? Does he serve is some Ministry? Does he have a mentor or someone discipline him?
Don’t do stuff while dating you would regret with your husband later.
If you get engaged, spend more time planning you marriage than your wedding. Get pre marriage counseling with someone who will ask you both hard questions. See a Christian financial counselor.
The best way to divorce-proof your marriage is to pray with your spouse daily. My wife and I pray before one of us leaves for work and together before the first person heads to bed.
Also, Here is a great book to check out: https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Your-Husband-Before-Even/dp/1944298339
The reasons why Christian communities struggle with sexual pleasure are manifold including shame and gender roles that can be rigid. That’s a much bigger discussion than I care to take on.
I am happy you were able to solve your problem and that you found resources at the right time. I have no doubt that the emotional processes that likely played a part in your ability to solve this problem include shared values that allowed her needs to be recognized and for you to talk about it. Good job making this work for you both!
This book can be helpful to some who might want to explore this further.
SexSmart: How Your Childhood Shaped Your Sexual Life and What to Do with It- Transform Your Sex Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/1440159343/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_RHfeFbD78C1DK
I think a lot of this comes from unstated expectations. Instead of your husband wooing you and seducing you to sex, he says, "I've got ten minutes." Instead of you suggesting non-sexual intimacy at times when it would be easy ("Would you rub my neck while we watch this show?" Or "Will you kiss me for a for minutes before I go wake the kids?), it sounds like you sometimes ignore/ shut down his sexual advances because you feel unfulfilled.
I don't agree with a good portion of the book I'm about to recommend (his advice on abuse should be cut out and burned, no joke), but he talks a lot about unstated expectations and how to verbally suggest intimacy in a lot of different ways. "Upgrade Your Sex Life: Finding Your Unique Sexual Expression" by Douglas Weiss, PhD. Found on Amazon here. I also second the suggestion to pursue Love Languages by Chapman.
My last suggestion is to look at sex like a cycle. Men are more open to all intimacy after sex: having a conversation or non-sexual physical intimacy feels more natural after sex. And women are more open to sex after intimacy: having sex after a conversation or making out for 15 minutes feels like a natural development to a lot of women. In a healthy marriage, intimacy leads to sex leads to intimacy leads to sex leads to.... and so on. Working on the one can help charge the other one. I would recommend that you verbally request intimacy after sex, and in times when it is possible (like movies, or holding hands while walking, or extending a brief peck into a more passionate kiss). I would also recommend talking with your husband about making his requests more clear (verbally), and more seductive. Ask him to woo you towards sex.
A great one that goes through each Bible passage that clearly discusses gender is "God's Design for Man & Woman" by Andreas & Margaret Kostenberger (link). As with all books, it needs to be read via the lens of the Bible and your own wisdom, not just taken as truth, but I've actually found it kind of discusses different interpretations a bit as well! Highly recommend it. Also, I found that "Lists to Love By: For Busy Wives" by Mark & Susan Merrill (link) gave me a lot to think about in terms of what cultural aspects I had accepted as "normal".
Rest in the pleasure that God has made in marriage.
My wife read "intended for pleasure" ( https://www.amazon.com/Intended-Pleasure-Technique-Fulfillment-Christian/dp/0800719379/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=intended+for+pleasure&qid=1566927300&s=gateway&sr=8-1 )
we were both virgins, and it took us a few days of trying to figure out how this works. There is some pain at the beginning, but you will get the hang of it. Be open to exploring, tell your husband what you enjoy, what turns you on, and ask him what he enjoys and what turns him on.
Adventure is out there - go discover together
This is extremely unbiblical. I highly recommend reading Just Do Something by Kevin DeYoung.
Far too many Christians believe that God will part the heavens and a chorus of angels will sing the moment we met our "soulmate."
The truth is is that God simply wants us to marry a fellow Believer. If we choose to love a person and commit to forming a life together, we are honoring God.
There is nothing wrong with singleness, but it is better to be married. If you feel peace about moving to pursue an online relationship, that is between you, God and your partner.
Modern Christians are so afraid of taking risks and wandering from "God's will" that we often miss blessings. God is not a crystal ball. We need to stop treating the Holy Spirit as if it is one.
If were in your shoes, I'd have a conversation with your family and look at attending a different church.
You and your husband may benefit from going through this book, which focuses on sexual healing and the wounds that drive us to things like porn: https://www.amazon.com/Path-through-Wilderness-Becoming-Meant/dp/0692964231/ref=asc_df_0692964231/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312115051380&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=12043575148855894902&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=...
I cannot recommend this book enough, it not only helped in our marriage but in so many other interpersonal relationships.
https://www.amazon.com/Intimate-Encounters-Practical-Discovering-Marriage/dp/0840777930
It's great that you're thinking about these questions now. I think your focus should be on what it means to have a healthy dating relationship. How can you date in a healthy way.
Are you dateable? https://www.amazon.com/Dateable-Are-You-They/dp/0800759117/ref=sr_1_fkmrnull_1?crid=1M64F8NBAGAH9&keywords=are+you+dateable&qid=1552223287&s=gateway&sprefix=Are+you+dat%2Cstripbooks-intl-ship%2C185&sr=8-1-fkmrnull Is a book that focuses on how to date in a healthy way and it's designed as easy reading for teens. It helps you think about dating in a healthy way.
I caution you on books that use a courtship approach. Even Joshua Harris doesn't support courtship anymore. There's a video on YouTube about it. I'd encourage you to consider a variety of perspectives on dating. You can also ask married adults how they did it. What boundaries did they have in dating? How did they keep a healthy perspective? What do they wish they had done? Get a variety of perspectives.
My wife and I went through this book together, it did not fix everything but it helped immensely!!!
Check out the book Intended for Pleasure .
Otherwise, general tips I can give:
Take your time. Both during the act (long kisses and lots of warm-up) and in discovery (women can take up to two years before even experiencing an orgasm with their husband, especially if they have been taught that sex is all bad or that their pleasure wouldn’t matter in marriage).
Stop using a toy altogether. That’s cheating! Try to explore your wife’s body with your own. Use all your senses. Listen to her responses, and encourage her to get more vocal as she gets more comfortable.
Make sure you’re not slacking in other displays of affection: non sexual physical touch, the Five Love Languages.
Help her get comfortable before. Maybe she should take a bath and use a bath bomb. Maybe she should throw on a bit of makeup or some lingerie sometimes. Maybe give her a non sexual back massage.
If I think of anything else, I’ll comment again!