[Picture From My Life](#Y)

This was the cake I got for Mother's Day. I love the woman, but I can only show it without an exclamation.

[Anime Recommendation of the Week](#c)

This week I recommend Baccano. It's a fun, multi POV story that ties the stories of people riding the Flying Pussyfoot from 1931 Chicago (I think. It's been a while since I watched).

All the episodes are free to watch (and legal!) on YT. Episode 1:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5dCqwmto7X0

[On Writing](#r)

I think I've found my style, per se. It's still new to me, so I'm going to keep writing and submitting to here and other places (can anyone recommend other places to submit my writing?).

I'd describe my newfound style as... dialogue heavy. Lots of dialogue. I love talking. And kind of sparse. If you look at my last submission (which was experimental), that's kinda how I'm writing lately.

As a reader, likeability means nothing to me; relatability is what counts. I have read novels where I thought the main character was an asshat, but because the author did a great job of showing the why of their assholery, I kept reading. Examples include - American Psycho, Catcher in the Rye, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, Wild, The Silent Wife, Girl on the Train... on and on.

For me, it's a mix of two things. (1) Do I relate to this character on some level, even if it's just a morbid curiosity about how that character thinks? And (2) do I enjoy the voice of the writing? Because you could have the most interesting character doing the most interesting things in the most interesting places with the most interesting people, but if your writing style irks me the book is going back to the library before the end of the first page.

Mike! Thank you very much, please don't excuse yourself when expressing your thoughts. Critiques like this are those that helps me improve.

I agree in all the points you have made. I struggled a lot writing this piece mostly because, as I wrote it, I realized I didn't know to approach this "flashback-like" thing and I tried to avoid the "had blablá" constructions and ended up making a terrible mess of tenses.

And you're also a hundred percent spot on about the stylistic errors and my ridiculous need of over explaining the obvious. To add onto this, now that I read your observation about my similes I actually laughed when re-reading it, I don't know what I was thinking. It reminded me of a quote of Stephen King's On Writing where he tackled this topic:

> "He sat stolidly beside the corpse, waiting for the medical examiner as patiently a man waiting for a turkey sandwich."

I'm not a native speaker and I took the decision to study the language deeply. The main problem I'm facing with this is that I get bedazzled with "big words" and I try to use them as much as I can. Therefore, I end up with the flowery style.

Thank you very much once again Mike! I will take all of this into account when rewriting it and I will also apply it to what I already wrote.

Still not that funny. Just kind of sad. I would say you’re not really using any classic comedic tools here. You’re just describing the way things are instead of using subtext to make things funny.

You can take anything in here though and use it for the basis of a joke. So take you not being able to understand your mom because she yells at you in another language. That is a perfect jumping off point for joke writing. Sit on that and play with it. What does it sound like to you? More than just grunts. Push it WAY farther out. Then push it more. That’s hyperbole. Extremes are funny. “Almost extreme” is not.

Have a read of How To Write Funny. Then break this down into observations and run those observations through a few funny filters to see what pops out.

1. I wasn't going to do it, but I'm writing a longer-format story anyway and was reading On Writing (King) where he recommends writing 2,000 words daily anyway so... now I'm doing NaNoWriMo (again)!

2. Only up to like 2-3k I think?

3. I definitely have had moments of calling out things that could be greatly reduced and concentrated then moving to my own writing and seeing the exact same thing.

4. Methyltheobromine and dihydrogen monoxide, mostly.

>What novel has taught you most about writing?

That's a good one. I've read /r/writing 's bible On Writing, however, I never really retained anything from that. I can't really pinpoint a novel that taught me about writing but I can certainly talk about the authors that have taught me the most. Hemingway taught me how powerful language can be at its simplest, Faulkner showed me how powerful language can be when used to it's full potential and Cormac McCarthy taught me that if you pretend to be a good writer for long enough people will eventually believe it. Just kidding! But the prose in Blood Meridian was overstuffed and (in my opinion, don't crucify me) overrated. He did teach me how to fully capture setting on the page and how to build and subsequently capitalize on book-long tension and themes and characters.

>What genre or genres do you not write, and why? What would it take to get you to write in that genre?

Fantasy. I just feel like, I don't know, everything I have ever needed out of fantasy I've gotten in LotR. Anything I'd write in fantasy would simply be LotR in another form. Game of Thrones scratched an itch but I've become exhausted by it at this point. It needs to end already.

My favorite genre is scifi, particularly hard-scifi, the harder the better. But not too hard, The Martian was too hard although its flaws can be blamed on its serial format and that its entire point was as a hybrid of scientific education and story. I have DM'd the mods my full name, DOB and SSN (I felt posting it on a public forum could be a security risk). If you guys need anything else let me know!

I think adverbs work best when they change the meaning of the verb they're modifying. Maybe that's obvious? Like this:

> The door was closed. (verses) The door was partially closed.

These two sentences have completely different meanings, and change the hypothetical scene.

Conversely, this one is unnecessary (most of the time.):

> completely empty.

The Stand loves adverbs more than any book I've ever read, yet in Stephen King's On Writing, he rails against them. (If I remember correctly.) And he uses some of the dumbest adverbs I've seen in my life. After a while, they just stick out like sore thumbs.

I think most adverbs are an excuse to tell instead of show, use weak verbs, or lazy storytelling. But in many cases, I also think they're necessary. I don't think they should be dismissed entirely. ( ← unnecessary adverb.)

>Post some fucking pictures of your pets, assholes.

'sniffles.' Thank you! I'll go first - my four week old rescue kitten murdering my husband. She has not lost her appetite for faces or murder. Here she is at one year in a Goodwill box. :)

Why not let critiquers take on Public Domain books? Project Gutenberg and other public domain resources make them easy to access, and pretty much all of the classics are available. Since most of the works are older, critiques could also focus around making them more "modern," etc.

/r/NoOnesSideBarTest is the abysmal mock up. Colors can change the sidebar certainly will. I don't want it that dark and cold. I want a much more light touch. http://paletton.com/#uid=a3u0F0klsn2a5q59Zr5vQj9vQj9

For an amateur, your writing is good. I understand each sentence, the grammar is good, and the concept is intriguing. With that said, the story does drag on a bit, mainly due to formatting issues and too much description.

I recommend using this http://www.hemingwayapp.com and then editing your piece to make it more concise. Remove the bits of story that aren't relevant or necessary.

Also, edit your speech tags so that they're in paragraphs on their own. I made some changes on page four to give you an idea what I'm talking about (I'm River). At the moment, your paragraphs are too dense, and make the story seem to move slower than it does. Try using shorter sentences and shorter paragraphs to move the exciting parts of the story along faster.

Happy editing! I hope you post a revised version for us to read.

Thank you! I've re-assessed the areas you pointed out adjusted some of the fourth draft.

> Anna and Roy have known each other for nearly 20 years. Why doesn't Anna ask "What's the worst worst lie you've ever told me?"

That's...a really good point. I've incorporated that into the story. Thanks for that one!

As much as I didn't enjoy hemingway when I was a teen, I've been using the Hemingway App to assess my writing as well. I'm scoring "Good" on the scale, so I'm feeling pretty good about this piece right now, in terms of readability and avoiding cliches and crutches.

'Write about something you have earnt the right to.'

But what has a loser like me, a boy with zero social life, mommy issues and crushes on animated girls, earnt the right to write about?

And suddenly, I was like, 'Wait a minute, why don't I write the story of a boy with mommy issues and a crush on an animated girl?' And so, my Superbia masterpiece was born. Enjoy it here. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08DC7CV9N/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_bibl_vppi_i1

Ok, this is my first critique so I hope I don’t screw up too badly. The story wasn’t very clear or easy to read. I’ve read it a few times and I am still not sure what is going on. The story jumps around and I am unable to build a good picture of your world. The first two sentences are redundant.

“Some things always stay with you. You never seem to forget them”

The sentence “Some thing’s stay with you.” is vague. The story introduces characters off-handedly and in bulk. There were too many new names for me to track. Also, some of the descriptions are unnecessary. Why do I need to know that the mirror was oval shaped with a black plastic handle. I’m imagining the mirror instead of living in the story. Why is Leah in Wilma’s room? Why did Leah take out a stick of eyeliner?

The language you use to describe actions are distracting. Like, “harrumph”. I would expect that word in a children’s book. Leah’s anger seemed forced. Her profanity and lewd behavior didn’t fit the tone of the chapter. The story uses a lot of passive voice with an unclear antecedent. I can tell that the story is interesting, but some of the problems I mentioned are stifling the flow. Overall, I liked the story and I want to know more about the characters. I hope my brief critique helps. If you want me to clarify something I will do my best. I suggest you take a look at The Elements of Style. It is a short and direct read.

Thank you for your input. I'll go brush off my dusty copy of The Elements of Style and flip through it, it's been a long time. I'm going to do a rewrite but I appreciate the critique and will definitely note your suggestions going forward.

>I've picked up a Styling Guide (I can't recall the name) but it hasn't been overly helpful to me. Is there anything you would recommend to fix that?

Florida Uni has a free online version of <em>The Elements of Style</em>. Not gospel, but a good crash course in writing sharper prose.

Thanks you so much! Your insights are invaluable.

Having read Stephen King's "On Writing" I have been trying to reduce the amount of adverbs I use, and knew I should stop using words like "concluded" and replace it with "said". I would never have noticed I was still on these bad habits without you!

Go back and look at every single word in each sentence, and decide whether the word is necessary. Make every word count. I'm going to pull a cheap move here and share a quote from "The Elements of Style."

Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. This requires not that the writer make all his sentences short, or that he avoid all detail and treat his subjects only in outline, but that every word tell.

So make sure in each sentence that you aren't telling the same thing twice. The first sentence contains both "gracefully" and "grace." Choose which part of the sentence this word will be most effective.

Some sentences can probably be edited out entirely, such as "The people woke, and began a new day." We can already infer that the sun has risen, and if people are filling the streets, then we know they have awoken and a new day has begun. Remember- your readers are a little on the impatient side. If the writing isn't brisk, they will move on to other writing.

"The paper gave them an imaginary virulent, repugnant smirk. A smirk so egregious "

If you must use an adjective to describe a smirk, use only one, and use the one that best highlights the nature of the smirk. Although I will add that I am confused as to how a paper can smirk.

I did like the ending, "...Fuck" so perfectly sums up Monday mornings. :D

Just from reading the first few paragraphs, I can see that you know what your characters are doing. What you're having trouble with, variably, is getting what you envision across the reader through the text. It is, perhaps, the most difficult medium to orient. Your ideas can and will become coherent once you learn to convey without the words congesting and diluting it. Your ideas have direction, and that matters, but what also matters equally (if not more) is how you choose to convey them. I would recommend reading good writers and their books, like David Foster Wallace's Infinite Jest, Oblivion (the story Incarnations of Burned Children inside it is absolutely astonishing for its whole three pages), and maybe Brief Interviews with Hideous Men; Franzen's The Corrections is also very good at conveying these ideas beautifully, as well as Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse Five. The book Reading Like a Writer by Francine Prose will greatly assist your prose-work, no pun intended. I'm sorry I can't describe more for you immediately, but good writers tend to diffuse their methods through the text and eyes connecting; read some good writing and you'll become affected enough to experiment with your own in a way which exposes what you want to expose not similarly (necessarily), but equally. :^ )

Completely and utterly a tangent, but there's a book called How God Becomes Real: Kindling the Presence of Invisible Others and it has some really interesting discussion on how this sort of thing (and sleep paralysis etc) get contextualized by religions around the world and sanctified as symbols of the divine

> Once I got into it, I had no trouble reading the whole thing, and if there were any more, I'd read that too. :)

Thank you, that's good to hear. Re-reading your own work for the umpteenth time, you start to think it's not just tedious to you, but tedious in general.

> I'll summarize the events as I see them [....]

Cool, that's more-or-less exactly what I wanted the reader to think by now. The one thing you didn't see—my fault, not yours obviously—is that I wanted the reader to doubt the intentions of Committee (much like you would doubt the French Revolution's Directory) and wonder whether the narrator might have a hidden agenda ("I packed my haversack with letter*s*, canteens, a few herbs, and three knives").

> I will say that the first section, before the break, was a bit abrupt

I did worry about the opening. Would you:

1. Remove the bit about rain clouds? (I put them in both for metaphor and to set the scene) Or relocate that passage later?
2. Mention the narrator's mission more explicitly, right out front?
3. Cut out the first section and just start later? If so, where?

> Once I got into it, I had no trouble reading the whole thing, and if there were any more, I'd read that too. :)

This is a third of the whole shebang. I'll post the other two parts over the next 10 days or so (per the FAQ I'm not going to just dump the whole 7.5k story in one go). If you really, really want to read the whole thing, here's a link. No obligation.

Thank you again.

...A time I would talk about dappled light would something.like this

Jane drew back the arrow and waited.The boar's dark fur blended almost perfectly with the dappled light and her only chance was to make a heart shot. She'd have time for just one shot before the boar trampled her: it had to be perfect. She pulled the arrow back the last inch and held her breath.

It works because the pov character would be seeing and thinking about the light, so it builds empathy. And it almost disappears into the flow of words, which is what you should be doing for.

Most importantly, it doesn't get in the way of the verbs. And verbs,in active voice, are what really count:

https://deepstash.com/idea/99700/its-all-in-the-verbs

https://jerryjenkins.com/powerful-verbs/

> In particular, it would have to not take itself too seriously. I have no idea if Left Behind does this.

I'll put it this way: the second book is called Tribulation Force, and they're not joking.

Also, I bet y'all didn't know there was a Catholic equivalent back in the 90s. I read this all the time back in junior high.

I am by default now a non-cover looker—almost all books I get are chosen and rented/loaned from the library or picked from specific recommendations. Covers vary over the years. My favorite of these is probably this cover of Le Guin’s Wizard of Earthsea which has Ged and friends as White dudes in Renaissance looking tights as opposed to say dark skinned dudes in a sort of melange of Indonesian-Philippines kind of garb…cause you know, Earthsea is all about small archipelagos and island hopping. Ged pays his way by magically blessing ships.

When doing a library rental/loan or mostly e-book, the cover value is even more greatly diminished when it is not from browsing. The limited times covers register is from ads along the side while on say amazon, goodreads, or some online periodical’s sidebar. Honestly? I think it is a necessary 2022 skill set to just be able to ignore all of that peripheral stuff. I am not going to make some idiotic statement like The Cover is Dead, Long live the Cover, but for me, the cover has kind of faded into a non-entity especially since so much is just pulling stuff off the TBR from recommendations.

In fairness I have noticed bad covers after the fact on the kindle screen and I have noticed how the covers on the kindle will ‘update’ and be different. I do wonder how that would affect those readers who are into covers. The shadow edits and the shadow cover shifts are kind of paranoia inducing.

>This is exactly how I write and to see someone else do it is amazingly validating.

To be fair, the person validating you is an unpublished author who isn't all that great of a writer :P

There's a quote along the lines of "you can do anything, but not everything" and I think this reflects the writing process, too — draft one is about possibilities; drafts two and beyond are about reality. Eventually you have to choose what your story is and isn't about. I think it's much easier to make that decision when the story is mostly done and you can think holistically about what does and doesn't move you towards your story's goals. It's not much use perfecting a first chapter if it's going to get deleted.... it still might be a perfect first chapter, but it's the start of a different story than the one you've written.

It's kind of hard to explain. When you go through the process enough you eventually develop a feel for what needs to be accomplished in this draft and what can be figured out later, and that rhythm/confidence is very helpful. It's OK to paint today because you've got a paintbrush, but don't worry about the nails until you show up with a hammer (and it would be pragmatic to avoid painting until your walls are in place.)

In one of Ernest Hemingway's letters on writing he commented that he begins writing sessions by rereading the previous chapter he wrote and making small edits as he goes. This gives him some comfort because it lets him be confident that his prose will eventually work itself out and it's also practical because it helps him get back into the flow of where was at with his story when he previously left off.

I dunno, more food for thought

His essays in general are pretty nice reads~ there's a compilation on Amazon (Zen in the Art of Writing) with several of them. He goes into quite a bit of detail about his process, what he thinks about writing in general, how to improve as a writer, and all sorts of stuff.

Not going to do a full review, but I just wanted to suggest Raphael Bob-Waksberg (Bojack Horseman)'s collection of short stories Someone Who Will Love You in All Your Damaged Glory -- your writing styles are quite similar, so maybe you can learn something from how he arranges his stories an organizes his sentences?

I didn't feel that MC was mopey -- grief is a natural thing -- and I was enjoying myself until the scene where MC and their friend start making ceramic mugs. I feel that there's something you want to say with this story, and that at around that point, maybe you felt like the story wasn't saying what you wanted to say, and you kinda started forcing it. The things being said were from you, not your characters, and it took me out.

I think that your writing style and the story works, but you're a bit too heavy-handed in certain places. Almost like you say something, then you're not sure that readers will appreciate it, so you double down or add more words that basically just say the same thing. I think that's part of growing as a writer, though, and you'll find your own rhythm eventually. I think a big part of writing is learning to understand when you've said what you've wanted to say, leaving it at that, and trusting that your readers will understand. Put more faith in us.

Anyway, I made it to the end of the story and mostly enjoyed it, so on the whole, I think you were successful~

Oh and actually while I'm on the subject of writing games, I'd like to plug what used to be one of my pet projects, namely writing what I like to call "hard nonsense". This is writing that messes with grammar conventions in ways that can be quite jarring. Good examples of this show up in the works of Gertrude Stein and Sam Beckett. I call it hard nonsense in contrast to soft nonsense, which would be stuff like Lewis Carroll's silly poems, in which he uses made-up words but still puts them into sensibly organized sentences.

I bring this all up by way of inviting any of you to try your hand at a bit of hard nonsense. I've got many examples on this subreddit: r/NonsenseWriting. Or if you want to see some real top-tier nonsense, check out Tender Buttons by Gertrude Stein.

Oh no! Does this one work any better? I re-uploaded and have this one also set to anyone with the link can edit...not sure what else to do.

Highly recommend the Obsidian PKM (personal knowledge management) software!

It's basically a personal wikipedia based off of .txt files you link together. You can organize it however you like -- I use it to keep quotes/concepts from books that I read (which I then tag by author and theme), any sort of thing I'm studying, and also as a flexible storyboard for planning stuff.

The basic idea is that you take the "nucleus" of an idea and it sits in one place, then you branch off from it as necessary? And it makes it easy to keep track of all those connections -- so when I read something Kurt Vonnegut said about growing as a writer, it's easy to tag/link that to my other notes of what Ray Bradbury and whoever else said about growth as a witer.

There's also a graphical view that lets you zoom all of this out and see the connections between all of your notes in a visual way.

There's an $8-10$ ? monthly fee to sync your notes in-house between the PC and mobile, but you can sort of jerry rig it yourself if you want, or keep it all confined to mobile if you wish. All the content can also be exported!

>A broad, realistic story following a disparate cast of characters across several generations in rural Norway, gradually drawn together by their opposition to a local wind farm.

This kinda reminds me of In the Cafe Of Lost Youth by Patrick Modiano?

Set in post-WW2 Paris, the story follows a pretty diverse cast of characters have nothing in common beyond the fact that they visit a particular cafe, the owner of which "had known right from the outset that things would turn out badly for us.”

There's not really a plot beyond trying to figure out who the mysterious Louki is, a character we initially know little about other than that "There were two entrances to the café, but she always opted for the narrower one hidden in the shadows."

Each narrator has a different background and perspective, and IMO what makes the story interesting is how the flow of information is managed. Your idea of what the story is gets challenged with each new narrator.

Here's my favorite quote: "In this life that sometimes seems to be a vast, ill-defined landscape without signposts, amid all of the vanishing lines and the lost horizons, we hope to find reference points, to draw up some sort of land registry so as to shake the impression that we are navigating by chance. So we forge ties, we try to find stability in chance encounters."

Here are a few potential future discussion topics, bt dubbs, making we can crowdfund a few months of ideas:

• Which narration POV do you prefer? Why?
• How do you approach making a character sound unique? Are there any characters in books you've read that you feel really jumped off the page?
• Controversial opinion: telling is equally valuable as showing. Discuss. (I want more people to read Tender is the Flesh and talk about how the unconventional voice works).
• What advantages does writing have over filming? What can you do in a book but not in a movie? What "strengths of the medium" should newer authors focus on leaning into?

Not related to the contest at all, but recently I've been reading Tender is the Flesh and it's super interesting. It's like 99% telling, and every other sentence is a filter.

But it works?

Compared to scenes being "showed," which I guess lets readers "see" the scene and put 2 and 2 together themselves, virtually every sentence in the book is some sort of a judgment being cast by the MC, which contributes greatly to his characterization.

It's really made me look at prose differently -- especially initial descriptions of characters MC interacts with -- so I wanted to ask, ya know, if anyone else has read it and/or has any suggestions. u/Grauzevn8

Poetic Meter &amp; Poetic Form from this list seems close to what I wanted -- not on Kindle, unfortunately.

For the time being, I've picked up It Was the best of Sentences, It Was the Worst of Sentences. it seems like it's more of a cursory introduction, but the table of contents is super creatively/well done, IMO.

"Here's a sentence that turned up in something I was given to copy-edit"

>While the boast show is predictably crowded over the weekends, holding the event over Thanksgiving for the second consecutive year positively impacts the flow of attendees over the closing weekend, which is traditionally the busiest.

Then he does this:

• While the boat show --> subordinating conjunction, chapter 2
• is predictably crowded --> flexibility & ambiguity of adverbs, chapter 7
• over the weekends --> prepositional phrases, chapter 9
• holding --> gerund phases, chapter 13
• holding the event over Thanksgiving for the second consecutive year positively impacts the flow of attendees --> clause structure, chapter 3

Anyhow, "cursory" isn't necessarily bad -- it'll be a nice starting point

Sorry for the late reply, I kind of missed this one. To be honest, I don't have all that many good recommendations for actual books, since I haven't found as many good ones as I'd like myself. Besides, u/Grauzevn8 covered most of them already, like Mieville and so on.

So I think I'll go a different route and bring up the SCP Foundation instead, which I'd count as part of the genre (at least some of the stories). This one is my personal favorite. It's pretty short and should give a good idea of the site at its best.

I'll also throw in a quick recommendation for Brad Abruzzi's New Jersey Turnpike Witch. There's nothing supernatural in it, but it kind of feels like an urban fantasy without any actual fantasy, if that makes sense. It has the same mixture of the weird and the mundane I like about that genre, so it scratches some of the same itch.

> I think that /u/Rachel-B would be a great help

Aw, shucks. Yeah, after the first few sentences, I realized we both have the gene that makes one write a whole story about a guy reading a magazine by his pool.

HEART/ MORAL

I’m not yet sure what the heart of moral is of this story; this is not the entire story, only the beginning.

PLOT

The goal of the story

The goal seems to be telling Reagan’s story. She is the MC and her personal goal is to get promoted to ensign. It looks like she won’t achieve that because she is being put on trial for treason.

Actions leading from starting point to goal

Reagan has spent five years trying to achieve her goal: “Five years she’d been a Lightblade, one of the most revered soldiers in the Kingdom of Khadra. Five years spent watching from the outside, waiting for her turn while Fajri recruits with money and honey colored eyes passed her by. How much longer would she have to wait if she slowed down now?”

Character changes

The MC hasn’t yet changed, at this point in the story.

PACING

The pace was too fast; you could slow it down by filling in the backstory like I mentioned in the General Remarks section

POV I thought the POV was right for the story; if you tried to tell it from the POV of a different character there would be a lot of missing information. That doesn't mean that you have to stay with one POV; I have read many books where the other changed POV every few chapters.

DIALOGUE I think you should take out some of the dialogue tags to increase readability.

CLOSING COMMENTS: It is a good story that could be a great story, with just a bit more background information. Great job!!

Sentence structure: Your sentence length and variety was fine and you used an active voice most of the time.

Sticky sentences: 14

This grammar and style checker will help:

https://prowritingaid.com/art/347/How-to-use----The-Sticky-Sentence-Report.aspx

1'354 words

Thanks for the leads! Also check out Slickwrite.com. Click 'enter text,' paste your copy, click proofread. Then choose from the tabs at the top for feedback- Critique, Flow, Stats, etc.

It might take a minute to get the hang of the features but it's been helpful to see word frequency, sentence flow, and the like.

Oh jesus. I must be going crazy. Here it is.

...

Also, we don't know each other, do we? Because "darl" is an old nickname of mine amongst some friends........ (Unless that was a Faulkner[?] reference)

All I can really say is that there isn’t much to say since it’s so short. The twist would work better if there was more leading up to it. The “it wasn’t real” trope doesn’t really work when we don’t actually know what was supposed to be real in the first place. I know it’s mentioned at the end, but I’d rather see some of what happened instead of just being told all of it. If you would prefer to keep it at this length, at least make it so that the twist isn't 67% of the passage. Personally, I don’t think this really followed the prompt. Other than the first sentence, there’s no sense of being in a troubling situation in a fascist society. Even then, it just plainly states that they’re in the supreme leader’s office. Bottom line is: less telling more showing. Flesh out the setting more before revealing it’s fake. For grammar, the semicolons are redundant if you use and after them. Also, there are some unnecessarily long sentences. (psst… use https://www.thepunctuationguide.com and http://www.hemingwayapp.com/ to help you with stuff like that) I do think there is value in flash fiction, it just has to be executed well. I hope this helps. Happy editing!

No problem. You might check this out, I just found this website- an easy way to pick up adverbs and other issues- Hemingway

I thought your detail level was fine. Just break it up a little.

I agree that I might not want to call it a prologue. It's not really a chapter, and I just put the word prologue there to give more context for the readers here. I might call it Nurse or something like that, to go with the pattern of every chapter being named after a person. Also, the Emma chapter isn't over. That's just the first part of it that I felt like sharing (if the word count was longer then I think people wouldn't be as interested in critiquing it). I think there's about 8 chapters, so they're actually fairly long. Maybe 10000 words or so each.

I'll think about my use of adverbs. I put this into http://www.hemingwayapp.com and it did point out a lot of adverbs. I'm on the fence how I want to address this, because I feel there's a certain style to it. But I realize it has to be done right.

I'm a fan of fourth wall breaks. I feel the narrator is a separate character than the protagonist he's writing about, if that makes sense. It's hard to explain, but I want the narrator to have a frequent presence so the reader doesn't forget about him. The goal is to reveal the narrator as unreliable, which ties in with the theme of the protagonist being delusional. I wrote right at the beginning that the narrator isn't a teller of the truth, and I hope the reader gets the sense every now and then that what's being told never happened. So some of it might seem kinda surreal at points, or unbelievable, or inconsistent. But if the fourth wall breaks aren't good I'll work at making them better.

He didn't answer the question because it made him uncomfortable. He is very shy and introverted. I think she realizes this, hence the game. Rather than "tell me about yourself" she figures the best way to get to know him is to ask yes or no questions, like you would with a shy child. I can't see him enthusiastically answering, or even pulling off the words "you'll have to find out later."

Part 2 has to be edited. :) I'd like to post it, but I'll need to sort it out first.

Because your style is pretty solid and I didn't spot any grammar errors or awkward sentences I am just gonna stick with general impressions.

I think the whole story has a very cosy atmosphere. I instantly connected the apartment they were smoking in to my wild memories from the days I was studying at Barcelona and lived in a very nice top floor apartment with a great view. If your text sends me on a nostalgia trip, that must be a good sign right?

I think your style is very natural, like that of Bukowskis without all the profanity. The prose is very grey, lean and naked from all the color. Also it seems that you have filtered your text through the Hemingway app (http://www.hemingwayapp.com/), please tell if my guess was right.

> I looked at the parrakeet hopping around, pecking, trying to act inconspicuous. I don’t know if birds can smile but this one sure looked like it could.

Heh, this is a cute observation. More of this please! Because your prose is so grey, you need more of this stuff to balance out the monotonicity.

Also I think you need to vary the length sentences a bit. Now it's very ta-ta-ta-ta-ta, try to make it more ta-taa-taaa?-ta-ta if you catch my drift. But don't lose your voice doing that.

A nice cosy read, did not feel like drag, but definitely needs more color and maybe a bit more introspection as it is written in first person. You don't have to get too much into the characters head if you dont want to, but a little is nice, just like with the bird comment.

I'm glad you enjoyed the story.

I do have trouble with passive voice. I cut 8 "had"s in my word document (not on the google doc yet). I use the Hemingwayapp to try to catch it, but I would appreciate if you could point out where you see it (either in a comment or on the googledoc).

ALSO: Something you might find helpful (I use it all the time) is this website: http://www.hemingwayapp.com/

It's free. They have an app, but I've never paid for it. Copy and paste your text into that website and it will highlight all of your passive voice, adverbs, and complicated phrasing. It's a helpful perspective on your draft. Cheers.

I don't know which is the best I have written, but I will give you one from my latest book: 'Sometimes, the physical presence of a loved one can be the worst kind of absence'.

Speaking of which, I recently asked you for advice regarding the blurb. Remember? HERE is that thread.

Well, I finally published this novel. Enjoy it HERE.

Make the first sentence short and mysterious. Here are some openings from my novels:

-'Round and round she goes.' (I Love You Superbia, read it HERE)

-'Hell.' (A Heart from Hell, read it HERE)

Can I ask for some clarification regarding the genre because I could see the idea of this piece going a few different ways:

1) Early reader level 2 with picture ever page where this would be a chapter?

2) Highlights magazine with just mostly blocked text and maybe 3 pictures.

3) quality (non-pulp) large picture book like say How to Solve a Problem ?

4) Part of a larger chapter book for more advanced children readers?

5) or adult read chapter book to children?

Does that make sense?

The highest paid athletes traditionally are soccer players, boxers, basketball players and don't forget Formula 1 drivers. At his peak Michael Schumacher was earning 55 million a year and competing with Michael Jordan in yearly earnings. Car wreck? ;)

Yes, you've got the pace down in the dialogue, that comes across well, and a distinction between that and the dream sequence will give the whole more depth, I think. That's what brought The Order to mind, watch it, the movie does that.

I don't think you need more action. This is a story about personal interaction, the story is in the people not the action. The audience that wants to read this story does not want guns and explosions. That's why the secondary characters need a bit more description worked in, too. Again this is done well in the movie, they got some hollywood blockbuster into the subplots but the main plot is very personal and character interaction centric.

https://www.amazon.com/Order-Heath-Ledger/dp/B004G3GQPA/

Netflix apparently only has it on disk, but Amazon has it streaming.

I really enjoyed the humor in this one. It's kind of what a competent version of my writing would look like...

So true! I read On Writing and his approach is very similar to past mentors and writing professors I've learned from and worked with. The basic precept is to put your time into characters instead of plot, and if you do a good job you can just sit back and watch what they do. He also recommends stopping when you're stuck and scrapping the scene, because it's likely that it's just not working and shouldn't be there. I've followed both of these, and for me at least it's worked out great!

So I can somewhat understand through his process why he's against outlining plot and letting it dictate what the characters do. Tangent over. :)

One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was that plot flows from character -- which jives nicely with what King's talking about. His stories do tend to have very strong characters indeed. On Writing is one of my single favorite books on the subject. Story by Robert McKee is quickly becoming another (although I recommend going the Audible route first, then backtracking to the book). It's focused towards screenplay, but the principles are applicable to everything.

u/snarky_but_honest, good call on the weird writing quirks of famous authors. I've been listening to the Writing Excuses podcast for some time now, and that's definitely one of Sanderson's tenets. [Side note](#LSD): His lectures are amazing.

With regard to King again, I think he is right on so many things, but in terms of outlining vs. pantsing, I feel like it's best to look at it like a spectrum -- there's no single best way to do it. Now, I do tend more towards the "pants" end of the spectrum, but I try to sit down and at least come up with the general idea of the scenes and sequence before I start writing (I like to have some idea of where I'll end up).

The scenes I develop more organically -- unfortunately this means lots of inefficiency (writing is never waste :) ) and rewrites, but as long as each draft is a little stronger, I'm okay with it.

Oh my gosh, thank you so much! Your in-line edits and thoughts on the story are extremely helpful. Thank you for the resources you gave; I've actually read The Elements of Style (pretty sure every English major has to read that one at some point, though I should go back and review it), but Writing Excuses and OSC's book on writing are new to me! I'll definitely check those out. Thank you again!

Immediately, I'm finding a whole lot of parallels to 'Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep' and a lot of very similar plot lines to 'Neuromancer'. For example, the mysterious/malicious company owning an employee selectively skilled in future programming by means of medical debt from futuristic implant operations comes right out of the first three chapters of Neuromancer.

I'm obviously not accusing you of plagiarism but it might be wise to try and shift the characters backgrounds farther away from your inspiration. (Assuming you have read Neuromancer or watched Bladerunner). This allows you to feel more proud of a work that is distinctly yours, in my opinion, it currently borrows to heavily from other lines of work.

In many places I found you using tons of passive voice, which is not great. Many authors haaaateee passive voice. Steven king rants about it for three pages in 'On Writing'. Sometimes it is fine, but I wasn't a fan of how it was used in Ch 2.

There are many grammatical errors and several spelling errors which I edited, but did not make a priority. I feel that there are more important, big picture things to address.

KILL THE ADVERBS. There are so many -ly words in this document that need revision. A few is fine, but don't seed the lawn with them.

You tend to do something most beginning authors fall prey to. You tell the audience what is happening, then describe it. You summarize first, then give the audience a sensory experience.

Remember, the sensory experience are the roses, stop and smell them. The audience doesn't want to stop and smell them after they know what is happening, lead them into a summary with apt description, pull them in then summarize to move on to the next topic.

Describe, then summarize.

You're very welcome. I'm glad to hear you're surviving and I hope you find what you're looking for in this piece.

By all means spend your words and have fun but if you want learn how the artists in this craft do it I'd recomend 'The Elements of Style' by William Strunk jr. 68 pages of technical but rewarding reading.

All the best.

I agree that there is quite a few issues, but its also important to keep in mind that the first draft is written for the writer, usually, and not really anybody else.

In On Writing, Stephen King backs this up word for word, but I feel like its obvious without having to quote a successful writer on it.

First drafts are simply for getting your ideas down, in a way you can go through and read without being put off by the writing.

The second draft is where the writer considers the reader more, trimming the fat, rewriting and generally improving on the story.

I don't think its fair to claim somebody has not taken advice given to them into account until you see the finished product.

Finally, not pointing out anything you like is a way to alienate the person you're supposed to be trying to help. Nobody will accept advice from somebody they feel is being rude or abrasive (not saying you are or aren't, because my opinion is irrelevant - OP's opinion is what matters), because the advice tends to seem less sincerely trying to help, and more just tearing them down.

Thanks for the feedback. I'm sorry you didn't understand the story. 'Slice of Life' lit fic isn't for everyone (and I've got a long way to go before I get it remotely right). Thanks for giving it a read anyway.

I've read On Writing, and it is indeed a good book. Lots of good advice.

I had not heard of Invisible Ink, and although it looks more geared toward screenwriting, I'll try and give it a read.

I found it difficult to get into. The language is plain and the imagery was often irrelevant. Where the imagery was relevant, and adding to the story - it was imprecise.

Here are some pointers that, if attended studiously, will improve your writing massively:

Show me, do not Tell

> In short, you're ruining your story by making it a summary of what your characters did. I'm not reading your story and feeling what the characters feel - I'm reading an account of it - it's being told to me. I hate that.

READ THIS and learn how to apply it in your writing. Get good at this and you'll be so far ahead of people who ignore it at their peril, well - it'll make your head spin and your writing more fun. THIS is writing.

Dialogue tagging

> Noticed you were doing a lot of things incorrectly. I line-edited some stuff to display how it should look when applied correctly.

The Elements of Style by Strunk and White will teach you the basics of grammar and the most common pitfalls newbies fall into. You'll learn far more just correct composition of dialogue from this too.

If you heed just these two things you will be a better writer INSTANTLY.

> Haha, I won't kill that one, unfortunately for you. It worked for a lot of people, so I know I've got an audience for that. I can tell that you're not in it.

That's fair enough, though bear in mind that a sample is not necessarily representative of the population, especially if the sample is not random (e.g. RDR).

> I like reading and writing the mundane.

Which is a shame.

> I have posted some things on the sub where I step out of my comfort zone (you critiqued my story on the room), but I never find myself liking those ones.

Mmm, I remember the room one: that one had potential. Bizarro is a difficult itch to scratch, but if you get it right, it feels so good.

> And for a bit of irony--I have never gotten past 10 pages in a Stephen King book. I don't like him as a fiction writer. His stories are too... outside reality. Not my thing. On Writing, however, was really good. That's the only book on writing I'll ever read.

The thing with King is that not a lot of what he's written is good -- you have to bear in mind the man's written a lot of books, all of which vary in quality. I swear by 'IT' being his best work, and some of the rest of his stuff is of quality too, but he has produced a lot of shit in his time.

King's career is interesting, really: I'm not entirely sure why he is as popular as he is. Perhaps he was a product of his time and I'm too young to understand. Perhaps it's because of the success of the film adaptations of his works. Perhaps (read: inevitably) he was simply lucky.

Either way, he's right about a lot of things when it comes to the craft -- given the right context, of course.

Oh, and on an off-note, whatever happened to the RDR Skype group? I remember seeing a sign up thread, but I was overencumbered with work at the time.

Haha, I won't kill that one, unfortunately for you. It worked for a lot of people, so I know I've got an audience for that. I can tell that you're not in it.

Genre fiction just isn't my thing. I like reading and writing the mundane. I find excitement overrated, so I stick to writing stories about ordinary people doing ordinary things. I have posted some things on the sub where I step out of my comfort zone (you critiqued my story on the room), but I never find myself liking those ones.

And for a bit of irony--I have never gotten past 10 pages in a Stephen King book. I don't like him as a fiction writer. His stories are too... outside reality. Not my thing. On Writing, however, was really good. That's the only book on writing I'll ever read.

Exactly. Don't worry you didn't put me off I've been thinking about it for a while. I believe what Stephen King wrote in On Writing: a bad writer can becom a good writer, but cant become a brilliant one or something like that. Basically now I'm leaning towards sitting in a room for years and working it out myself. I'm glad I haven't posted anything of mine to be critiqued.

One other thing, if you're serious about wanting to improve your writing, don't just post stories up for critique, read about writing.

I recommend:

On Writing by Stephen King

and

Write Good or Die

> I'm not very comfortable with comas and punctuation and thus prefer not using them to avoid mistakes.

I think everyone who is serious about writing struggles to master that sort of thing. It's worth it, though: these are your brushes, your paints.

Here's a good, concise guide to comma usage. It covers the most common cases. (Since it's a pet issue of mine, I mention that Rule #13 can and should be broken in cases of extreme contrast.)

Here's a free copy of <em>The Elements of Style</em>, a book that almost every serious English writer is familiar with. It's very short. It contains mostly style guidelines—don't try to follow them religiously, but if you consider the reasoning behind them, you'll learn something useful.

Yea, makes a lot of sense, thanks for clearing that up. I actually did have semicolons in the place of a lot of those commas but wasn't 100% sure I was using them correctly but it looks like I was.

I guess I had better dust off my copy of The Elements of Style, haha.

This is exactly what I needed to hear.

(except)

>You experience tricky attitudes? what?

"attributes"

edit: also "experienced well-being" is a phrase from Thinking, Fast and Slow and other books that I suppose should be explained first

>&gt;implying green text isnt already working

IMPLYING MUH MOBILE SUPPORTS IT

> I left the box around the blockquote tho even tho i really dont want it ...but it makes sense to keep

A real trick would be figuring out how to have greentext without the box, but still be able to quote normally WITH the box. OH WAIT you could do that with just a green text color like [redtext](#redtext).

And for real greentext stories are so clean and lean and I'm pretty sure whoever wrote this book was a 4chan troll. Stories like that (Finalist for the National Book Award for Fiction?!?!) make me reluctant to give critiques BECAUSE CLEARLY ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.

>Very nice desk.

Thanks! I am a 'maximal working area' type of person. I hate drawers.

> Do you have an espresso machine?

I do. It sits on the bookshelf behind the desk.

I have a slightly older version of this one. If you wait long enough, it will go on sale for like $70. Although, $99 still isn't a bad price. Makes a good espresso.

>I have Strunk and White on my desk too

It's a nice resource. I don't use it as much as I should, but it is nice when I need it.

This book helped me with just general stuff about writing sentences. It has a lot of great examples and explains the science behind them. It may help :)

I'm ordering a copy of 'Eats Shoots & Leaves' (link), a humorous way to learn grammar. /u/Idonthaveaname referred me to it, and I can't wait to get it. The book was a number one best seller, and it's a grammar tutorial book if that tells you anything about it's comedic value.

link to my big post about fantasy/sci-fi openings. Scroll past the specific comments.

I had a larger post but I accidentally pressed backspace. Doh.

Getting details in is the hardest part about sci-fi/fantasy by far. It's a balancing act that you just have to figure out on your own. I've done a larger post specifically geared towards openings in the two generas, but it also contains some ways to avoid getting in the info-dump dumps (after much help from this sub as well). On a personal note I'm still mostly figuring it out through trial and error. Typically this sub will be vocal about details that I don't need; ensuring that I only have the stuff that matters. On the topic of flashbacks, I highly recommend reading the opening to Levithan wakes (hit the look inside button), which uses a flashback effectively. I think I don't mind it in Wakes, because the details pertain to the situation at hand, and thus it doesn't feel like I'm just getting random facts about the situation. I haven't done much analysis on the book other than 'hurr space opera noir', since I'm pretty busy with school.

Here's my post on sci-fi fantasy openings. link skip past the specific stuff to the review.

I think the epitome of a good world building detail is in the Game of Thrones series. There isn't a moon in his world, but George R. Martin never says it. He weaves in the detail by having the characters authentically look up at the sky, the complete removal of anything moon related, and the lack of light at night. The fans who really care about those types of details will notice, and the rest of plebians will just breeze over that fact.