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The phone recording apps aren't reliable. I lost a bunch of conversations with my mom (who is dying from Glioblastoma) while using an app I bought. I switched to a digital recorder and an ear microphone. These two:
You just place the microphone in your ear, plug into the line-in port, and record. Later, you can transfer the files to a computer (recorder comes with a usb adapter connection). I have hundreds of hours of calls so far - hoping for many more.
My husband did the exact same thing 6 weeks ago, and waking up every day is a blow. I know exactly how you feel. I would give everything I have for this to be a nightmare.
Someone told me to contact my nearest Hospice for grief therapy. I started almost immediately. I strongly urge you to do the same.
There is a book, The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. It was written by a woman who lost her husband suddenly and unexpectedly. I think it was helpful to read.
If you need to talk, message me. I will listen.
Hi friend, I’m so sorry for your loss. My dad died quite suddenly a couple years ago and I’ve had a really hard time learning how to let myself cry. I’m not talking sobbing sessions, I mean the heaving, ugly “GOD WHY?” crying sessions that leave my face red and covered in snot. I’ve had ... four or five of those? They’re good for you. Find a safe place, or a safe person to be with and let it go. It’s okay. It’s good for you. It’s healthy. Let yourself grieve, please. You are so strong for hanging in there so far, but you don’t have to be strong all the time. Okay? Feel free to PM me if you just need somewhere to write all of your frustrations and sadness and anger and whatever else you’ve got. Sometimes just writing it out can help. We want to hold it in, but I think facing our pain is inevitably and better done sooner rather than later. Grab some tissues and let the snot flow. :)
Fun fact about crying: it’s good for you.. https://www.webmd.com/balance/features/is-crying-good-for-you
Also, talk to your dad and tell him happy birthday. My counselor recommended this to me. Say everything you want to say to him. We may not have the same belief system but I think he can hear you. On my dad’s birthday the past couple years I’ve had a beer (his favorite was PBR lol) and talked to him as if he were right next to me.
Panic attacks can be caused by any number of reasons and you certainly have quite a few of the usual suspects that could be causes.
Your first step is to see a doctor since grief can manifest itself physically in a number of ways. I have my own stories. There are medications that can get you through this. No need to suffer needlessly.
Let me also recommend a book: Dare. Its often recommended in support groups. Hope you feel better soon.
I recommend a book, I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye. I lost my mother 20 years ago to brain cancer. One gets better but you never really get over it. Sorry for your loss.
Absolutely! I recommend you read It's Ok That You're Are Not OK by Megan Devine. Read it twice!
Nights are the worst and living alone makes your grief a solitary experience. See if there are any grief support groups in your area starting up. I know many of them shut down during the pandemic. If you are in close physical proximity to others who share your sorrow, it can be very healing.
I also recommend reading at night. I recommend It's OK That You're Not OK by Megan Devine.
It's a lot, but take it one day at a time.
>One of the hardest parts of this has been explaining what happened to my three-year-old daughter, whom he adored.
I recommend a book called The Invisible String for her.
>In addition, he was a hoarder who rented his house for 15 years.
My uncle, Dad's youngest brother was also a life long bachelor and a hoarder; not dirty, but just had a lot of "stuff". It took me 2 months to clean that house out.
I rented a big dumpster, bought a good back brace (very important) and only worked on the house about 2 or 3 hours a day. i was also working full time at the time.
Set your timer for a two hour time slot and don't do anymore. It's overwhelming.
I really liked I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye. I have bought several copies. It could be for the religious as well as the non-religious person.
My daughter died 11 years ago when she was a teenager. We had lots of fun being goofy together; moreso with her than my other children. One memory that sticks out is a day when we were in a video rental place and they had bagged pickles for sale Somehow we got on a schickt about "Feeling fickle? Grab a pickle!" We were laughing our asses off in the store and people were looking at us like we lost our mind.
I lost my mom when I was 12. It sucks. Grief is cyclical--I've experienced the pain all over again when I gone through major life events like graduating high school, college. I'm sure I'll experience it when I eventually get married and have kids. Everything is bitter sweet. I'm 26 now. My advice is not to shy away from the pain--I've tried numbing myself and it made things worse.
Find ways to honor your mom, and include her in your life. Write her letters, talk to her in your head, create your own rituals. I also second the book Motherless Daughters, you can often find it for cheap on Amazon, this book made me feel less alone. When I went to a grief support group it was actually based on this book. Hope Edelman (the author) has a website with links to local support groups http://hopeedelman.com/support-groups/
If you can't find a support group, don't hesitate to contact psychologists. The one I found had lost her mom too--don't be afraid to ask psychologists about their own losses--it's understandable to want to know about their history and how they relate to your loss.
I have the same thoughts. This quote from Sheryl Sandberg's book stands out to me:
>“Option A is not available. So let’s just kick the shit out of Option B.” (Amazon link to book)
I did not know it, but until a month and a half ago, I was living Option A. In Option A, my dad would, like he promised, raise my children for me after he retired. He would come to my college graduation and see me wear the robes he called "scary" a few months ago. Tonight, we would get dinner together to celebrate my nineteenth birthday.
But "Option A is not available." And it still seems so unfair. A childish part of me thinks: he wanted to be here for me so badly, and I want him to be here so badly, so why can't he be here? But Sheryl's right-- no matter how miserable I am, Option A will not return. So, I'm going to get dinner with my mom tonight, and I'm going to savor every moment, and I'm making the most out of Option B.
(Also, Option B is worth a read)
Not silly at all. I found them online: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07T3JQ4FW/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o08_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
You can color them and write memories on the back of them. Some of them are kind of religious which isn't really my jam but the other ones were great. I had them in a stack and people chose which ones they wanted to color and I guess they had the option to take them but they left the cards for me.
All of us will experience a death at some point in our lives, even if it is just our own. I am so sorry for your loss but I know that his does little to ease the grief you feel. Grief is the heaviest of all the emotion and it carries with it physical, psychological and emotional ramifications.
Let me recommend a book that I found solace in. I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye. May you find the path again. ♥
That is young. My neighbor just retired. 30 years as a fireman/paramedic. He says that the last six months have been brutal. Big increase in suicides, overdoses, domestic violence callouts, etc. Its not all about COVID.
I recommend reading, if you have time, I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye
It wasn't your fault. Whenever a person dear to us dies, part of the process is that those of us who remain often think, there is something "we could have done". It the mind's way of resisting the transient and impermanent nature of life.
I don't know if an autopsy was performed but I would venture to say that he had undiagnosed heart disease and whether he died on your camping trip or a few days later while mowing the lawn, it would have happened either way.
Let me suggest you read I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye. This may help you shed some of this guilt you have been carrying for so long.
The amazing thing about death is that it happens every day and its all around us but we are never cognizant of it until it happens to someone we love.
Its one of the hardest things you can do - watch as a person is dying. We are never ready. If you can just be there for her until the end, it will be enough.
I recommend reading: I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye.
I had an aunt who died from alcoholism over 30 years ago. She was 42.
For sure, lots of people re-evaluate in the wake of a loss, and of the reminder that life is short and unpredictable.
There is a general rule of thumb to not make any major life decisions for about a year after a Significant Life Event. That doesn't mean you can't spend that time thinking about it. If at all possible, try therapy by yourself to explore the resentment and the rethinking and working through what kind of life you'd like to make for yourself. If you can't access therapy, you might consider journaling and/or finding a workbook that takes you through some life-analysis, maybe something like this Acceptance and Commitment Therapy workbook.
No problem. It's a book called Angel Catcher, recommended by my therapist when my mom died. It's pretty secular despite looking very Christian based. There are a lot of pages/entires where you talk to the person who died. I wrote in it this afternoon for the first time in about a year, responding to a prompt from the book about what my mom used to make me. There are really hard prompts, like, "What is something you didn't get to say", etc. It's hard and it hurts but it helps.
​
Probably an unpopular opinion here. We have a choice what to do with our grief. We can choose to stay exactly where we are, or we can choose to move forward. I lost three immediate family members this year, and although incredibly tragic, I’m choosing to move forward, And live my best life every day and celebration of my family who I lost. They would only want me to be happy. They would not want to see me suffering or not experiencing life to the fullest. Our time here really is precious, and I choose to live. I know easier said than done. This book really helped me put things into perspective. Good luck and sending lots of love and happiness your way
Life Lessons: Two Experts on... https://www.amazon.com/dp/1476775532?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
I'm so sorry for your loss. My mum lost her mum early in her life, she has talked a lot like this throughout the years. My mum is pushing 70 and still thinks everyday past her mum's passing age has been a gift. The loss of a loved parent is profoundly painful.
r/motherlessdaughters is a sub for parent loss regardless of genders: "This community is a safe space for anyone who is grieving the loss of a parent, whether through death, drug addiction, mental illness. The name is Motherless Daughters, but all genders and ages are welcome. The subreddit is named after Hope Edelman's nonfiction book of the same title."
Time for some self care and spoil yourself rotten.
I'm so sorry for your loss, I wish I had any words to ease your pain. The sub r/motherlessdaughters is dedicated to parent loss regardless of genders: "This community is a safe space for anyone who is grieving the loss of a parent, whether through death, drug addiction, mental illness. The name is Motherless Daughters, but all genders and ages are welcome. The subreddit is named after Hope Edelman's nonfiction book of the same title."
I hope that helps.
I'm not going to say sorry for your loss because suicide in this time is a huge possibility. Noone wants to deal with pain and suffering. I have no sympathy for you. You knew how life is before you brought him but you chose to deny it. He got the ultimate that we all want: Freedome. Now he don't have to deal with pain, anger, misery, depression ,addiction, homelesness, anxiety and etc...Now when your time comes for your turn, at least your not gonna leave anyone behind.
To a degree it can be normal to have panic attacks after a loss like this, and even with previous anxiety it will get better. It’s been about a year for me since my grandma passed and the panic attacks have gotten a lot less frequent, and the fear of death isn’t as consuming as it was before. It will get easier to deal with, a lot of it is just time.
That being said, counsellors and doctors go by how much it’s disrupting your life. If things are very overwhelming and painful to the point it’s interfering with daily tasks, then sometimes therapy and medication will be suggested as tools.
If you can’t access counselling, something I’ve seen floating around is this workbook you can order on Amazon. It’s written for a style of therapy that a lot of counsellors use with their clients. I’ve also learned a lot from this book. It’s also available as a free PDF if you want to check it out. It can be helpful as a tool to find ways to cope with anxiety and other overwhelming emotions like anger and depression.
I hear you about your dad. It can be really tough when someone else’s grief can infringe on our own. Feeling guilt for our own emotions is also a part of grief. Just know that any of his reactions to how you’re feeling might be part of his own externalizations. You have a right to how you’re feeling, and your relationship with your grandma is a unique one that is separate from your dad’s relationship to his mom. You have the freedom and the right to find ways to honour and grieve that relationship in any way you feel is right.
I wonder if this will help you....https://www.amazon.com/AfterLife-Tragedy-Design-James-Praagh/dp/B084KH1YVT
Maybe you can share a story about them here.
Hey OP, I’m not an atheist but I’m a pagan and do not believe in heaven or the christian god either. I lost one of my best friends last year and this book changed my life while I was grieving.
The book is called Comforting Thoughts About Death That Have Nothing to Do with God. I hope it can help you too.
This book is a bit dated, but I found it to be really spot on with the unique challenges that come with losing a sibling. Lost my brother a year ago now and I still find it comforting to read and revisit.
My daughter got me a heart shaped picture frame and she recorded a voice mail from my wife to my kiddo. I love it she does not remember where she got it. You could probably just Google picture frame with voice message.
I found it.
https://www.amazon.com/KWANWA-Voice-Recordable-Picture-Frame/dp/B082FVCYVQ
The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation, and Distress Tolerance https://smile.amazon.com/dp/1684034582/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_i_722Z09ZFMWT0984FXB2Z?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
The Dead Moms Club !!! My copy has teeth marks because I occasionally had to stop reading, bite the book, and start sobbing.
I'm so happy for you that you'll have your mom's voice on that old phone and that you didn't get rid of it! Just in case you'd like to hear the podcast where I talked about my mom, here's the link: https://www.buzzsprout.com/123208/1001488-loving-mom-continuing-the-stories.mp3?blob_id=2099441&download=true
I know its easier said than done but go easy on yourself. You should do some reading on anticipatory grief. It's basically when your grieving someone while they're still alive. You were a caretaker for your mother and that role for you was all consuming. Of course it was your mother so you took on that role but the lack of freedom and mobility im sure was crippling at times. It sucks watching someone you love die. The whole process is filled with such complicated emotions. A constant push and pull. You love and care for them so you wish for them to rest in peace but that same love and care makes you want to have them here forever and the worst part of the whole situation is that you can't do a fucking thing but watch it all happen. Inlost my mom to a long battle of breast cancer on December 5th 2019. January was easier, I started yoga, tried to make positive mental health habits and it went well. Then February rolled around and all the feeling and memories kinda flooded back. I was riding the wave and it came crashing down. I'm just trying to pick up the pieces and start up again. Im sorry that you have to go through this.
Here are a few podcasts that I listened to about grief:
The Approachable podcast Episode 15 - Alyssa tells her story about being her father's caretaker following a cancer diagnosis.
Shades of Grief podcast Episode 37- Liz talks to Author Julia Samuel about grief.
Sending all my love. I wish that you and your family didn’t have to bear this pain. I’m so very sorry.
It’s completely normal to break down and to have the grief and pain overtake you for a bit. Showing your children that you cry when you are sad is appropriate- even more so when they understand the loss that occurred. ( The Invisible String is a wonderful book for children.)
The pain can be isolating, but you are not alone. Ask for help- your loved ones (and even strangers) want to support you.
You said you can draw. That's awesome! Have you ever looked into graphic design? You can learn it if not! If you do learn the basics, you can find jobs where you work from home. You can even find freelance jobs on sites like upwork.com. You don't need a college degree either. Feel free to reach out to me if you want to chat more. I'm sorry to read through your challenges. Please let me know if I can help.
I'm so sorry to hear you lost your brother, it's so hard to deal with.
I don't think your family is too different with this pulling you apart. There's a lot of complex feelings that come along with having a disabled person in the fam and it's hard to deal with especially after that person has died. My family has just gotten to the point where we can talk about it productively and it's been almost seven years. During the first year we hardly ever spent any time together after the funeral. It was too hard and we couldn't talk about how we felt because we all felt shame, guilt and extreme pain and none of us had learned to talk about those things yet.
I just read Being the Other One: Growing up With a Brother or Sister Who Has Special Needs and it made me feel so much less ashamed of the feelings of resentment and guilt that I had around my brother because I read about so many people who felt the same. It's normal to feel resentful that you didn't get the childhood that you deserved. And it's normal to feel guilty for feeling that way. Also it's important to know that your experience was not the same as your siblings but that your experience is as valid as theirs and you're allowed to feel pain. When I talk about my childhood to my fam now, I say I'm naming, not blaming and that helps a lot. I think/talk about how it's affected me and why but I try never to place blame on anyone (except doctors who treated my bro like he was expendable because he was disabled).
I hope that you can find some peace eventually but I won't lie, it was really hard and those convos don't just happen. It takes a lot of introspection, time and effort. My heart is with you. And if you ever need to talk, shoot me a message, can't promise I'll have good advice but I have ears/eyes.
It's a primordial mandate and often, not a conscious choice. If you haven't already, read The Selfish Gene by Richards Dawkins. It's a classic.
You are still in the early stages of grief. Grief will play itself out according to its own timeline, not yours. Suicide just compounds the problem and I am so sorry for your loss.
If there is a grief support group in your area, a real one, not an online thing, I do recommend you attend. Although some of the stories are tragic, I found them to be very therapeutic.
I also recommend a book called It's OK That You're Not OK by Megan Devine.
I also recommend It's OK That You're Not OK by Megan Devine. It's written from a secular viewpoint. No evangelical one-liners for the most part. I thought it was excellent.
That is complete nonsense. Grief has no time line, but other people do have their own agendas. Read It's OK That You're Not OK by Megan Devine.
You might enjoy reading It's Ok That You're Not OK by Megan Devine.
Three years old is a little young to explore the Afterlife. I say this regardless of your religious/spiritual/atheistic viewpoint.
I recommend The Invisible String by Karst for children. She also has a companion book called The Invisible Leash which focuses on the loss of a pet.
Understand that when it comes to mental illness, we have never gotten this right. My own grandmother was a cook in a mental hospital. They made over 800 meals a day. They tore that hospital down in the 1970's.
A book that might interest you, but may be too upsetting for you right now is: The Lives They Left Behind: Suitcases From A State Hospital Attic.
Grief is the heaviest of all human emotions and yet every human being experiences it. Don't ask me why because I don't know. I just know that this is a bad time for you.
If you have time, read It's OK That You Are Not Ok by Megan Devine. It's excellent. She lost the love of her life like you did. She is also a psychotherapist.
I wish that you find the compassion for yourself that you need. Beyond the tears, it is within you.
I lost my sister to suicide 2 years ago. It's gonna be a rough ride but you can get through this. It's just gonna move one little second at a time.
I found that all of us who loved her processed the loss in a completely different way and that brought on its own sadness. Watching my parents and cousin mourn while mourning myself.
It still breaks my heart to think of the loss my parents have endured.
I found it very helpful to find a bereavement group specifically for suicide loss. The fact is, suicide loss is different than other deaths. In the beginning I could only relate to those who had lost someone to suicide. I needed that direct connection. I'm grateful I sought that out because, like I said, everyone in my personal life was in their own battle and really couldn't "be there for me" so I needed to get support.
I also read a bunch of books and that really helped me work through and make sense of things. Here are the two books that helped me most:
The Forgotten Mourners: Sibling Survivors of Suicide by John's Sister (2011-12-21) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01K159JNW/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_awdb_imm_Q2SN4YCS5BGFDKS73YBE
Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide by Kay Redfield https://www.amazon.com/dp/0375701478/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_awdb_imm_CKN6J1TDYH3NJP9QWW34
But mostly I just want you to know you are not alone. Grieving my sister has been a dark and lonely road at times but there has always been pockets of serenity and love to guide me through. It may be hard but let others comfort you and share where you're at.
You're welcome to message me anytime.
Also, there is a sub just for us: r/suicidebereavement
I recently read It's OK That You're Not OK, also by Megan Devine. It is also excellent. I wish she had written it 20 years ago.
If you have time, read It's OK That You're Not OK by Megan Devine.
You have to be wary of evangelical one-liners: better place, with the Lord, needed another angel, pearly gates, etc. This isn't really helpful, but it's not entirely their fault. They either truly believe it or they have never experienced the loss of a child.
Yes, anger is "a stage" but grief is not a train ride with a point of departure and a point of arrival. It's more like a roller-coaster.
In addition to the purchase of a punching bag, I recommend a book called It's OK That You Are Not OK by Megan Devine.
So very sorry. That is heartbreaking. Grief is the heaviest of human emotions.
I recommend the following books: I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye and It's Ok That You Are Not Ok.
I have read her book Its Ok That You're Not Ok. I highly recommend it. Its on the secular side but I wish I had it 20 years ago.
I recommend reading It's Ok That You're Not Ok by Megan Devine. Its a fantastic book on the grieving process. She lost her fiancee when he drowned. He was the picture of health.
>This is one of the most painful moments in my life and don't think it will ever get easier.
It never gets easier. Grief is one of the heaviest emotions that you will have and this will be a bad time for you.
I recommend reading It's OK That You're Not OK by Megan Devine.
I recommend this book, if you have time: It's OK That You're Not OK. Unlike terminal cancer or Congestive Heart Failure, suicide is much harder to deal with it. May you find the strength.
If you have time, I recommend this book, It's OK That You're Not OK
I liked I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye by Brook Noel. Its secular in nature, but even the Faithful would find it useful.
The appendix has some useful website and their is also a companion workbook.
I recommend a book called I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye. They do a good job on the grief process. Grief is the heaviest of human emotions and it follows no time line.
I mean, it makes sense that you're still talking about her, because it sounds like there was a lot that was left unresolved in your relationship. For some reason, your story reminds me of this book that I read years ago. It's funny, because it wasn't the kind of book I typically read at the time, but the cover blurb struck me, and it's stuck with me all these years. It's a little bit different from your story in that the author also really went through it, but... I dunno, for some reason I'm just getting a similar vibe from your story.
>If you or anyone you know is told to go on a cancer treatment, get a 2nd opinion to see if it's wise or would just cause more pain.
You are right. If you have time read The Cancer Industry by Ralph Moss. Understand that cancer is very lucrative and that is one reason, yes, there are others, why more hasn't been done.
That said, in the case of my mother, I allowed the surgery and the radiation but refused the chemo. She has brain cancer which is often fatal in the first three years.
How I was guilted into "not giving her every chance". I went out of network and had a second opinion done and paid $250.00 out of my own pocket to get another opinion from an unbiased oncologist. He looked at her charts and x-rays and said "This is fatal. I wouldn't allow the chemo either". My mother died peacefully about 9 months later. I do not regret that decision.
There are crime scene clean up services, but maybe not in your area or at an affordable price.
That said, in some nursing homes that I have worked at, where death is always present, they sometimes use a product called ODO-BAN. Also, open up all the windows.
Take her on hikes or somewhere out in nature. The hiking can be therapeutic. Get her this book. She may not want to read it now but maybe in a couple of months. It’s also a good read for supporters of those grieving, it gives good advice for them too.
My Mom was terminally ill with breast cancer as well. Eventually she had 2 years before she passed away a few months ago (I’m 19). There really is no way to fully prepare yourself for the loss of someone you love.
However, I bought my Mom a book with questions about her, divided into different phases of her life (think: childhood, falling in love, becoming a Mom etc.). Sadly she wasn’t able to finish it and only filled in the first chapter. I really recommend gifting her a book like this. It’ll be a very emotional moment, but trust me it will be worth it. I don’t know if your Mom is still able to write for herself, if she’s not you could perhaps fill in the questions together.
This is the one I got, translated into English:
Sending you love and hugs❤️
Death is part of the natural order of things. Anything that lives eventually dies. What is unnatural is the way we often handle the death experience; its hidden away, shrouded in mystery and talked about in hushed tones.
This year, some eight million people will experience in some way, the death of another. Some will be there when it happens and others will get the phone call at 3:00 am.
Here a bit of mindfulness training may help. In other words, accept death as a part of life, in a non-interfering, non-judgmental way. If religion or spiritually is part of your life, that can help and if not, honor the memory of someone who was important to you in some way.
One book that I liked is I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye
That is painful. Im sorry you are hurting. Your feelings are valid but you need to remember that they are feelings and not facts. It isn't your fault. Please take care of yourself. There are several apps i use for my mental health and i want to share them with you. One is "thought diary" it helps me reframe my thoughts so they are helpful instead of harmful. It really helps. Its like having a therapist. Another one is "seven cups" it is also a website. I HIGHLY recommend it. It is free to talk with trained listeners it also has groups for dealing with grief were you check in with the group once a week and have a meeting and it is really helpful.
https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.moodtools.cbtassistant.app
There was a religious writer name CS Lewis who married late in life. His wife developed Cancer soon after the marriage and she passed within 3 years. He wrote a book on his experience called A Grief Observed. It has religious undertones but it is basically his musing about that event.
You are still in shock but when you have time, I would recommend you read it. I also recommend I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye.
So sorry for your loss. May you find the strength.
Grief is the heaviest of human emotions to bear. Some 8 million people will lose a loved one this year. For now and for however long it takes, its OK to not be OK.
I recommend reading I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye for those "moments" when you find sleep to be elusive.
We, like your daughter will always be too young to understand. I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine.
How old was your mother if I may ask and what was her cause of death? Sudden, unexpected deaths hit us harder. They leave us with a bewildering array of questions.
This book may help: I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye
I am here because recently I have been thinking about my mother. She died 20 years ago. Again, grief does not measure time.
What I am about to tell you isn't going to help but blaming ourselves and saying "If only I did ....", the outcome would have been different, is very common.
Blaming ourselves is just part of the process. Let me recommend a book called I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye.
Sorry for your loss. ♥
I recommend I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye.
This is as bad as it gets. She is thankful that you are there to take her these last few steps.
When this is all over, a book I recommend is I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye
> But I’m just losing the last part of her now and it’s incredibly hard.
How old is she if I may ask? It is hard, very hard but it too, will end.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I found it important to meet young widows like me. I read Nora McInerny’s book“It’s Okay to Laugh (Crying is Cool Too)”. If you like that book, she started a Facebook group called “The Hot Young Widows Club” and it saved me. I met some lovely people in the group and the fact that many of them are young made a big difference, since I found as a 27 year old widow, I couldn’t relate to people my age or in general. There are lots of moms in the group too. Please DM me if you ever need to talk. It’s a rough road and I hope you lean on people who are on it. Sending you lots of love.
There is a book called “how to survive the loss of a love”. It is good (helped me over my failed engagement) but it addresses multiple “loss types” jobs, loves, people, pets, etc. easy to read and is available in paperback. Here’s the Amazon link:
One book I found helpful was "I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye" which is about coping with the sudden death of a loved one. The Amazon page for it has a string of "related books" that might also be helpful to you or apply in your case: https://www.amazon.com/Wasnt-Ready-Say-Goodbye-Surviving/dp/1402212216/
"The Year of Magical Thinking" by Joan Didon and "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis are both memories of their time about being widowed. I found them a bit intense but they can offer helpful perspective and permission to feel whatever you're feeling.
Emily Nagoski recently wrote a book about "Burnout" which is helpful for day-to-day self-care, not for grief specifically but I think there's some overlap.
There are grief books and journals on Amazon that might help. I saw some grief journals that were really cute and specifically for the loss of unborn babies.
I used just a simple notebook for my mom. It helped me writing down everything about her.
Also keep in mind the loss of the babies has affected her physically. Your body and hormones change during and after pregnancy.
Yeah, it’s super hard to talk about them, huh? I feel like if I have control over the topic (like if I bring him up), I’m good...otherwise if someone randomly asks me how I’m doing, my reaction is unpredictable. Mostly I cry if I think about him any more than a few seconds at a time...but our brains are funny in that we seem to obsess over it at the most inopportune times.
I’m glad you like the journal idea! I purchased this one, but there are several available. Some are more religiously focused while others aren’t. I hope it helps you, it has been very therapeutic for me.
Two of the things that have helped me a ton are these two books.
Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief
On Grief & Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss
The daily meditations have been a god send, especially since when grief hits you hard it can be hard to function and the little words of wisdom can ease your heart.
The other book can really help you understand what you're going through, and how to navigate it.
I'm sorry you lost your mom. Just today everything was reminding me of my mom, I can relate.
i'm sorry to say i've been there. sounds like a SIDS case, like my son. when i read your post i was actually sitting alone drinking, crying and listening to the playlist from my son liam's funeral. he passed about 2 years ago.
you want help, but there's no help to give. nothing to make you understand why your child is dead, because there is no reason; kinda sucks doesn't it?; you can read the SIDS survival guiude which i didn't find helpful buy many have.
here's the pitiful advice i can offer as one who's been there:
*you are not the victim. your son is. remind yourself of this often.
*it will feel good to read SIDS studies from pubmed. be careful how you present the info to the women, they are very prone to interpret any comment you make as blaming them. they are obsessed with this.
*be there for your wife. she's the only one who understands what you're going through. but women often attack their husbands when a kid dies. this is what the social workers at the hospital told me, and now i've lived it.
*running and lifting is a great way to deal with the stress. also going back to work.
*join a support group like compassionate friends
Living When A Loved One has Died. It's a great book. Here's the amazon link.
I've actually felt the opposite. I was 28 when my father suddenly passed away last year, and it made me realize the impermanence of life more than anything. Like, why bother not doing the things I want, because life's short and there's no point in worrying about how I'll feel about something later in life since I might not even make it there. I think I feel less afraid of death because it just feels arbitrary. I can't do anything about it. My response is apathy and recklessness, I suppose.
I expected something more akin to fear, like you're feeling. It's almost like a ptsd response - now your realm of experience includes that people can suddenly die. That really sucks. I'm sure a lot of people say the same thing, but I'd suggest seeking out a grief counselor. I put it off for more than a year, but it's actually been really nice to have someone who I'm supposed to go on about him to. Plus sometimes they have feedback that's a lot more useful than the platitudes I get elsewhere. I can empathize with the sudden loss portion, and I wasn't able to find many people who experienced the same thing. I got this book from the library, and it's helped me cope somewhat: I wasn't ready to say goodbye
I also want to say: don't feel bad about putting your grief off. Sometimes there are things in our lives that we can't just put on hold because we need processing time. When you get that break and begin to feel it more, it will suck, but everyone tells me that time will make it better. There's no wrong way to experience this.