I know how you feel. You want that connection with your mother but it's not going to happen. She is not going to put your needs ahead her own. I found this book incredibly helpful
I sincerely hope that you are able to get that new apartment and untangle yourself from your parents emotional issues.
Remember YOU are the strong one -(incredibly based on the post). YOU have the POWER. You are NEVER responsible for the happiness of others, - not even your mother. EVER
NEVER FORGET THIS.
i recommend getting a physical copy rather than audiobook so you can highlight and write in it. This BPD workbook worked great for me helping to sift through the important factors in the decision of separating from my narc-mom and her minions:
Surviving a Borderline Parent
It's been a while since my kids were small. I'm sure there are great books written since then.
My favorite book--the one I went back to again and again--was How to Discipline Without Shouting or Spanking.
Second favorite was How to Talk So Kids Will Listen....
I'm truly sorry for your loss. It seems like it's hard and confusing for you. Sometimes we experience Complex PTSD from years of abuse. The first place to start your healing is in therapy with a therapist that is aware of Internal Family Systems and Narcissistic family dynamic. Also passing a boo along that may help. Best of luck on the road ahead. Hugs https://www.amazon.com/When-Youre-Ready-This-Heal/dp/194975944X/ref=asc\_df\_194975944X/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=563701549165&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=14143065281389659091&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&...
Could you pay for a courier to pick it up in person so that she can't sabotage it in the mail? It's so hard to have strong boundaries in the flip-floppy phase (great way to describe it btw), but it does sound like she's using this to keep you reeled in. Can't imagine your grandma would approve! Sending hugs xx
Nedra Glover Tawwab has a new book coming out. I find her posts on Instagram helpful!
>A tip for your fussy cat pallets: find freeze dried fish. It crumbles if you pinch it and you can sprinkle it on whatever it is that they're too fussy to eat. Also, it's healthy, because it's it ONLY made of fish
Ya know, I was just debating on buying something like that. I found a dehydrated snack that's just salmon. You can see the meat layers. My cats are going to be eating better than me! lol
>Be super careful making DIY food. There is a lot of weird crap that cats need in their diet or they'll get sick, like ash and taurine
Yes, I agree! I actually bought "cat vitamins" that has all that. Its a powder that mixes smooth and easy.
>1 scoop (1/4 teaspoon) provides:
Calcium 250 mg
Magnesium 160 mg
Iron 0.34 mg
Strontium 0.14 mg
Sodium 0.10 mg
Manganese 0.04 mg
Phosphorus 0.04 mg
Potassium 0.02 mcg
Chromium 3 mcg
l taurine (pharmaceutical grade free form amino acid) 125 mg
I also bought food-grade bonemeal (for an additive to pet food; I do not have the resources to grind up/powderize bone to use in treats or alternating this with the other vitamin powder to add variety to their nutrition), add some whole eggs, and my plan is to research a guide for how much muscle meat vs organ meat they should have (let me know if you know of a good one). After that, gonna blend it all up in the blender, par-bake it in short muffin tins, and freeze them.
I'm one of those neurotic people who research things a little too much. XD
I have an excel sheet with calculations so I can figure out exactly how much of each ingredient I need. Its a work in progress, and until then I'm just trying to feed them how they'll eat.
Please excuse my presumption, but...I don't think you're a narcissist.
I think you come from a narcissistic family and picked up some narc tics, but you are far too self-aware and self-reflective to be a narcissist. The fact that you are not interested that much in other people's lives is more common than you think. My partner, who is incredibly kind and caring to everyone, has to be reminded to ask his brother about how things are going in his life and how his kids and grandkids are. I used to have to write down the names of his brother's grandkids for him, but now it's become a habit, and he remembers. My point is that some people are interested in other people, and some aren't: it doesn't mean you are a narcissist, just a bit self-focused and you can teach yourself to remember to ask people about themselves.
I do think you are depressed, however (again...excuse my presumption). The self-recriminations and isolating yourself from other people are typical for depression. Why not have a chat with your GP and see about getting on an SSRI or getting a referral to a psychiatrist.
In the meantime, if you have a chance, have a look at this book--I found it tremendously helpful in understanding the family I came from and its effect on me: The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment https://www.amazon.ca/Narcissistic-Family-Diagnosis-Treatment/dp/0787908703
I have a story very similar to yours, and I mean almost the same. I recently got this book, and I’m almost finished with it called Will I Ever Be Good Enough: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers It has been really helpful in reassuring myself in my recovery. I highly recommend. I recently had my first child and wish I would have went NC before having my baby to save myself more heartache, but I feel more determined to rid our lives of toxicity and abuse more than ever. You aren’t alone and you’re stronger than she could ever be, keep that strength and keep your mind and soul safe. Wishing you a patient and loving recovery ♥️
i recommend Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
it has really helped me not only see some things about myself as a result of my NPD mom, but helped me maintain NC. It helped me break the strings from my puppeteer.
Please read https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703
this details the fairly common tactics of narc parents and how to overcome them. Good boundaries are needed for relationships. Narcs usually ignore them.
If you're on tiktok, this guy has really helped me... he wrote a wonderful guide too.
Here's his guide...
Going no contact would probably be the best thing for your mental health... she isn't going to change & your family members won't either.
> "Perfectionism and chasing success are ways that some of us might try to win that all-important parental approval and praise. To this end, we may choose life professions to impress our parents or marry mates who seem right off a parental checklist. But it’s hard to get praise from self-preoccupied EI parents. They just aren’t all that interested in their children’s accomplishments, unless it gives the parent bragging rights.
Many of my clients have reported being surprised that their parents boasted about them to a friend, yet never told them directly they were proud of them. This can be confusing, but it makes sense because bragging to others allows EI parents to keep emotional distance while still claiming your accomplishment as social currency. This is emotionally safer for them than looking you in the eye and telling you how pleased they are. EI parents would find such direct, emotionally intimate praise intensely uncomfortable."
Copied from Lindsay Gibson's book. Just something to consider.
I am currently reading this book (chapter 6) and I recommend it. Have a journal ready to jot stuff down as you go through it. It's good for perspective and thinking things through. You're not alone. https://www.amazon.ca/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436/ref=asc_df_1439129436/?tag=googlemobshop-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=292914682536&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=12371549123201859392&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&...
Check out this book--it was a real eye-opener for me: https://www.amazon.ca/Narcissistic-Family-Diagnosis-Treatment-ebook/dp/B0028N60UQ/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=
Basically, a narcissistic parent will ALWAYS put their emotional needs above the emotional needs of their children, but sometimes those needs line up, so it seems like the narc parent is doing something kind for you, but it's actually for their own self-aggrandizement.
For example, a narc parent surprises a child with a car for her 16th birthday. It seems incredibly generous, but the point might be "Look at me! What a great parent I am! Every other kid should be jealous and every other parent should envy me!" all posted on social media with lots of picks of the car with a giant bow and the confused 16-year-old in her pyjamas looking surprised on her birthday morning.
But the 16-year-old might not even have wanted a car (because she knows the many strings attached to a gift from a narcissistic parent), and the parent will bring their "generous" gift up any time the child wants to do something that doesn't align with the narc parent's wishes. And the child will think, "well...they can't be THAT bad....they bought me a car...even though I didn't want it."
When my mom told me to go fuck myself while wedding dress shopping (because I pointed out that 2/3 of our limited wedding guest list were “her” guests and I didn’t know half of them, and could we compromise so that our friends and my fiancé’s family could come?) I suspected..
When my son/her first grandchild was born, she came into the delivery room furious that my dad hadn’t helped her force her way past the nurses while I was delivering (she had told me she didn’t want to be present for labor, and so she wasn’t on the list) and talked about how she’d been wronged rather than meeting my baby, I was sure.
There’s a checklist in the beginning of Will I Ever Be Good Enough that was very illuminating.
I can’t stand it either. Grew up with it my whole life and then lived with someone for 7 years. I want to say so much but everyone below is correct. It’s a struggle. Therapy is the best thing and staying away from people who make you feel like you are “too sensitive “ for not being ok with their harmful behaviors. Also this CPTSD workbook has helped tremendously too: https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Workbook-Mind-Body-Regaining/dp/1623158249/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?adgrpid=61548573492&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI27WdvumF-QIVLBXUAR0GVgQWEAAYASAAEgKT5vD_BwE&hvadid=274815918130&hvdev=m&hvlocphy=1015537&hvnetw...
Thinking of you and wishing you well ❤️
That's such a difficult position to be in, I feel for you! The tricky thing with Narcissists is that the world revolves around them and when they do anything wrong there's no accountability or deep internal reflection. I use to live with a narcissist, could never admit he was wrong even though it was as clear as day. I would suggest focusing your energy on what you can control in these situations. How can you make the most of these interactions? Is this the kind of behaviour you want to be around? What are your options and what feels right for you? Have you tried speaking to them about it? Also good to take a breather at family gatherings when we need to for some moments of solitude. I've been reading "The Art of Dealing with Toxic People" by Alexis Fenton. I think you may find it useful in terms of navigating toxic relationships.
Here's the link to the book on Amazon https://www.amazon.com/Torture-Nurture-Tale-Growing-Up/dp/1647198402/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1FM54EDV37KMZ&keywords=torture+or+nurture%2C+a+tale+of+growing+up&qid=1653761962&sprefix=torture+or+nurture%2C+a+tale+of+growing+up%2Caps%2C488&sr=8-1.
If you read it, I would like to here what you think. You can email me at [email protected]
Omg I’m sorry you’re dealing with this!!
There’s this door stopper that u can buy from Amazon that I’m thinking of buying and maybe that’ll be helpful for u too??
Portable Door Lock-2 Pack Solid Heavy Duty Door Extra Lock for Additional Privacy and Safety in Hotel, Apartment,and Prevent Unauthorized Entry in Traveling, AirBNB, Home, Apartment and School https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08YTBX3S7/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_J079TY6HWYBX1NX8SS1F?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
Thanks for the recommendation. If you're up for another book, this one changed my life -
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic MothersWill I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
I'm so sorry I forgot to include the link
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents https://www.amazon.ca/dp/1626251703/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_EV8H4RGE6ENNVWBVB4SH
Do me a huge favor? Yourself a huge favor? Don't let them share your happiness because they'll do anything possible to crush it. Do all of your planning in secret. Look for an apartment, get all of your affairs in order and then on the day you move out or after you've moved out, that's when you tell them.
Do not give them your address. Do not tell them what street you live on. Do not tell them where you're employed. As far as they're concerned, you drop of the face of the earth. Then begin to heal and then, when you're ready, if you are ever ready, you can allow them into your life on your terms.
You owe this to yourself.
This book really helped me a lot.
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents https://www.amazon.ca/dp/1626251703/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_GMQMXSNCPAQQ7PADT1BX
Also, research the term "gray rocking the narcissist in your life" - it's the single most useful tool I have ever had in my toolbox to deal with my mother.
It gets so much better, I promise.
Sendling love to you. Maybe this books might help you too https://www.amazon.de/-/en/gp/product/1684032520/ref=ewc_pr_img_1?smid=A3JWKAKR8XB7XF&psc=1
I had to have a tooth pulled and it wasn't fun. I have a lot of dental trauma. I'd ask for an anti anxiety med to get through it if you can.
I also wish the tooth was healthy enough to not pull it bc pulling teeth can make the mouth smaller and cause breathing issues. (Jaws the hidden epidemic)
I recommend this book, helped me at least.
With my mom, saying anything to her would only make her do the thing she needs to stop more or find another way to get back at me. She excels at invalidating every feeling I have. Everything is a game with her with a whole lot of wide eyed innocence (what did I do?! What did I mean?!) when I try to call her out. I ended up walking away but do sometimes wonder if I should have tried/suggested joint therapy.
This hits so closed to home and is why I have C-PTSD.
I been reading https://www.amazon.com/dp/1626251703?psc=1&ref=ppx_yo2_dt_b_product_details a lot lately and it's very validating.
I know It's not in person but virtual (( hugs)) to you.
One thing that has helped me is a workbook included in the link below.
I find that the other hand method in the prompts of drawing and writing really give me a perspective of my inner child.
It has at times triggered me to finally face this therapy. But the times it has comforted me have been so beneficial.
My kid needs me to reparent her. We've had some really great conversations. She and I also had chocolate cake and I journaled hugging her. It's been very heartwarming to know I'm able to heal with her. : )
The author has other workbooks on Amazon that might work well too.
Even if you don't purchase the workbook, allow yourself to hug your inner kiddo, cry with them too. Total judgment free zone and super comforting!!!
Recovery of Your Inner Child: The Highly Acclaimed Method for Liberating Your Inner Self https://www.amazon.com/dp/0671701355/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_i_3BFW6HG1M6TJ6BTJ4F24
A rubber door wedge is $4.00
I think you can get them at the dollarstore too.
How old are you?
Okay I know that you said you cannot get a lock, but just in case it's specifically because you cannot alter the house, I just want to mention travel locks. They're affordable and you can take it with you or hide it when you leave the house. No installation or tools and cannot be removed in your absence. Just something to consider. Good luck with everything and stay safe.
Portable Door Lock Home Security Door Locker Travel Lockdown Locks for Additional Safety and Privacy Perfect for Traveling Hotel Home Apartment College https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08L7DNXT9/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_i_dl_AN3R8HTZJB8T6194N9D8?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
Also if you do not have access to tools or cannot alter the house for fear of repercussions or any other reason- there are portable travel locks available that may be a good option. They tend to be affordable and you can take them with you when you leave, so no one can remove it while you're out. You can also take it with you to uni and keep it to use if you ever come home for a visit. They're mostly for things like hotels for extra protection, too, so maybe also good for a dorm if it feels more secure. Useful all around. :)
Something like this, but of course I just did a quick search and you may want to shop a little, there are other styles:
Portable Door Lock,Travel Lock, AirBNB Lock,Safety Lock for Travel,Hotel,Home,Apartment (1, Red) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07X8ZWMMP/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_i_7VW97EA6QT5SPTDSXQ8F?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
Hello lovely lady,
A typical person would try to offer some compassion given that you have experienced a hard couple of years. Your mother however lacks the empathy and emotional intelligence to do this. She isn't doing this because she thinks what she is doing is best - she is doing this for narcissistic gratification. My mum does the same whenever she sees my daughter.
Please hang on in there for your daughter and yourself. It may not feel like it now, but there will come a point when you will be able to move away from your mother and reduce contact. You will be able to give your daughter the life that you want. Don't take yourself out of the picture - you are the key to giving your daughter a better life, and you do have the power to make this happen and this will happen - even if it doesn't feel like it now.
Make a plan or a vision board for how you can break away from your mother - contacts and organizations who can support you, other family or friends who can help or even take you in if needed. Treat getting yourself and your daughter away from your mother as a project with milestones, etc. Chunk everything into small steps that you can follow.
To keep yourself motivated keep reminding yourself you are not alone. A really good book for squaring up to maternal narcissim is Lemon Moms by Diane Metcalfe. There are some nice exercises in there to help you heal and understand the situation you are in. You could also try reaching out to an abuse refuge shelter in your area - see if they can help, or provide any tips for finding yourself -in hopefully literally- a better place.
You can do it mamma - don't let anyone tell you otherwise!
Thanks for the kind words. I started reading this earlier tonight and I'm hoping it clears a few things up.
The book “will I ever be good enough”, here is the link to it:
It really helped kick off my healing journey.
Also look into Dr Ramani and also Les Carter on YouTube, if you haven’t already. Very helpful to me also. I also have an nmom and I feel your pain. We can’t let them steal our lives anymore.
She IS making it up. She read it somewhere and ascribed it to her therapist so it might have some weight with you.
Children are not meant to protect their parents; parents are meant to protect their children.
Have you read this book: https://www.amazon.ca/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703
The void is real. There is a book called “Running on Empty no more” that may help you break away from feeling like you are just going through the motions.
https://www.amazon.ca/Running-Empty-Overcome-Childhood-Emotional/dp/161448242X/ref=nodl_. I found it at my local library.
You are worthy of feeling loved, being loving and finding and creating happiness. Repeat. Repeat. As you breathe repeat. Maybe the science is repeat as much as you ever felt otherwise and it will override the loop in your thoughts and feelings. I can tell you the struggle is real and ride out the lows and aim for your own definition and understanding of happiness.
Also, one therapist challenged me to visualize 8 versions of myself. I couldn’t even manage formulating one. But a year later I picked up the excercise again. Maybe my imagination was robbed but it took a year of getting past the self protective shame and guilt of being myself to get to a place where I could allow myself to dream. Looking back, I would have made it more of a priority to “dream” because it really helped me to learn to be non judgmental with myself and flex my happiness muscles. Hope it doesn’t take you as long as it did me to make these moves.
This book has helped me a lot:
Also Dr Ramani and Les Carter on YouTube are great for tips and tricks to deal with them as well as validation and encouragement when you’re having a hard day with the narc.
Try to be out of the house and stay busy as much as possible so she has less access to you. My mom seeks me out when I grey rock her and it still causes me anxiety even if I don’t let it pull me into an argument. Dr Ramani talks about this in here:
They come at you even harder when they feel their supply dwindling so brace yourself for that.
Therapy with a counselor who knows about NPD if you can afford it and have time but I know that’s not always easy.
Sorry you are going through this. I don't know where you are but these masks are clear and you can read your therapist's lips with them, if you find one that you want to meet in person with:
Amazon Clear Masks
(Canadian link, I can find them on American Amazon if you need help looking them up)
I can get this to you by tomorrow. Would it help? Do you want it? If so, feel free to DM me your address.
Konquest KBP-2704A Automatic Upper Arm Blood Pressure Monitor - Adjustable Cuff - Large Backlit Display - Irregular Heartbeat & Hypertension Detector - Tensiometro Digital https://www.amazon.com/dp/B077CXGSJW/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_VHYGMXTCFBDX7CWNBAJG
Being a child of a narcissist, it also offended me many years ago ( in my 30’s). Now, in my 50’s it means something very different. It means facing the fact that my mother can’t ever love me bc she is mentally ill. Accepting that I’ve had to relearn everything that should have been normal but wasn’t. Learning that & applying it to my own life; and being grateful that my suicide attempts were not successful when I was young; and that my friends and teachers and my love of Jesus got me thru.
Grieving what I didn’t have ( a mother with empathy and compassion). I recommend this book:
When You and Your Mother can’t be Friends
I’m currently reading a book that I highly recommend to you:
‘Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissist Mothers’ by Karyl McBride
And this video on YouTube hit me in the face with a better understanding as to why I feel the way I currently feel and how it’s not because I’m a loser or an incapable ‘adult’: The Problem of Being a Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother & How to Fix It
It’s not you. It’s her.
You were indoctrinated into your family's values just as you were indoctrinated into Mormonism.
You should read The Narcissistic Family--it's a book for therapists, but VERY readable. The book is incredibly enlightening.
Don't beat yourself up because you don't these know these things, your parents have been employing these narcissistic practices all their lives and you are just a kid, you won't know unless someone tells you or you educate yourself.
Maybe try reading this book:
TOTALLY normal autonomic nervous system response (look up Polyvagal Theory). Check this book out. It will help you navigate these situations better. I worked at a company that provided coaching for the longest time, and the lady who wrote this book was part of our "core curriculum". If you can figure out how to turn down the sympathetic nervous system and turn up the parasympathetic nervous system, this will help. But yes, totally normal that your heart freaks out during heart-wrenching moments. Hugs!:
Could not agree more. Particularly the journaling. My therapist recommended this book
No matter how little time you spent with her all the emotional issues come flooding back. This book helped me stop all the negative thoughts.
I have a book for you. I can feel the sad, angry place you retreat to right after you ask for what my late, beloved Dad always referred to as "The milk of human kindness", which is yours, you are correct.
There is no shame in asking for help because life has been hard. The pandemic has opened a lot of eyes to the pain so many people are feeling. The people whose opinions actually matter will help. Sometimes you have to ask in more than one place.
You have been treated very badly, or I miss my guess. You did nothing to deserve the hurt, that meanness you feel doesn't belong to you, you can let it go. But these old habits, burnt in, it feels like, they die hard. But sometimes it is just a matter of being in a quiet, comfortable place, relaxing, and letting go. After forty-plus years, I can attest, and no joke.
The book that "kept me afloat" and made me depression-proof as well as other improvements is "Feeling Good - The New Mood Therapy" by David Burns, M.D.
check out the reviews
The answers to questions I didn't know enough to ask came from Dr. Burns. He shows the reader how to recognize the process each of us goes through once our sense of "normal" takes enough/big enough hits, and he details how to "undo" the negative things we think. It's like playing paintball, and suddenly all your opponents are just standing out there exposed, because you become able to examine how you interact with the world, and you can see where you jam yourself up. It's uncanny. And it's like riding a bike. Once you "learn" how to treat yourself well, internally, you never go back.
I wish you Peace
Thank you so much! This is the book my therapist has me reading: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1442238321/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_image_o08_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
I'm still waiting for it to arrive, but hopefully its here soon! Thank you for your supportive words, and hang in there... things will get better
<em>Free From Lies: Discovering Your True Needs</em>, by Alice Miller
I literally went down this train of thought yesterday...upvoted! 🤣 The sequel to the book below is about how to recover from emotionally immature parents. According to the book, intelligence also stalls for emotionally immature people. It's interesting stuff....empowering to understand how this happens.
I really like 'It's My Turn' by Tina Fuller
https://www.amazon.com/Its-My-Turn-Tina-Fuller/dp/1300653787. But what really helped me out was Narcissism Survivors YouTube channel. Just understanding their tactics and hearing his wisdom helped with forgiving myself and begin the process of healing.
(it was for free a few years ago or at least at my "amazon country")