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Just a suggestion, not a critisism. But you may want to consider a different title. Since there actually was a Japanese series called Slayers. Though not quite the same as your concept, it did involve a group who went around destroying lesser demons and demon lords (and the occasional Dragon).

Hey man, not to sound arrogant or anything but I don't think anyone will read this unless it's at least in a proper script format. Try shoving it into Celtx and get back to us.

https://www.celtx.com/index.html

OMG YOU'RE IN HIGHSCHOOL? Damn dude way to chase your dreams early; well done. Have you ever read On Writing by Stephen King? It has some great stuff in terms of getting stuck on an ending or struggling to propel the plot.

Sorry, but at the moment I don't have a converter for my scripts at the moment. Plus, I am a media oriented person, I like this form better. You can download my script from this link. It is in a zip file. The actual script will be a file named New Heights S?E?.html. It will open you browser and display the script. I hope you all can enjoy it. I am anxious in seeing what people have to say about the PILOT of New Heights. It's a rough draft keep in mind.

https://onedrive.live.com/redir?resid=72FA43DF1796747A!6168&authkey=!ABmYqIIu4FnuxGw&ithint=file%2czip

This is my zip file link. The format is HTML. My fdx to PDF converter isn't working. I am still trying to figure is out.

https://onedrive.live.com/redir?resid=72FA43DF1796747A!6168&authkey=!ABmYqIIu4FnuxGw&ithint=file%2czip

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B46eQ139rDaTRkNzQURWTmtwQ3c/edit?usp=sharing

I got rid of the blocks and the redundancies Hopefully it's at least just a bit better.

Thanks again for all the help

Hey man, nice story about the occult. It reads like something from a VHS segment. Some real nice writing in there also. But regarding your questions, this is what I thought: Chris had an arc, though it was kind of felt like I was dropped into the middle of it. It seems like I needed to know more about Chris before he showed up at the location. Perhaps you could have some higher stakes for his reason to be there.

Chris and Arturo's relationship is stated. Am I right in thinking Arturo took Care of Chris after his parents were taken? Given that this is a short film script the usual phrase "Show, don't tell" is important. Is there a way you can show this without Chris saying that he was always there for him since his parents left?

Regarding the turn: I was aware that it was a possibility, but wasn't sure which direction you'd take. It was a kind of fork in the road, so to speak. But I wouldn't be too worried about that. For readers, especially people like ourselves in this sub, we constantly take into account that there could be a twist. And since short films have so little time to make an impact, they usually go for a twist ending.

The ritual part didn't seem sudden or out of place. We knew something was going on from what the announcer was saying, and when a priest is one of the characters, you can tell the occult will come into play at some stage.

That's just, like, my opinion, man. But seriously it was a nice read.

I take it that you like tales from the grave and demonic possessions? I read two pretty good features lately. The Witch by Robert Eggers and Possession: A Love Story by Jack Stanley. Both deal with the kind of story I think you'd be interested in.

Actual script

Alright so the story behind the willy wonka video is that I really wanted to make the flute sound my ringtone so I was copying and pasting the url in order to rip the audio...anyways, I'm not trolling, I guess I'm just ridiculous.

Writer's remorse. Fuck it, I'll send what I have.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wpbjipKycsYV8ZWJNl1Nn2VTt-J2NvEjVhd7iWX2rlQ/edit

Keep in mind the conclusion is still being slaved over in my head.

The ending got rather confusing for me. I'm not sure what I can recommend to fix that, other than figure out a way to simplify it a bit more and aim for clarity as much as possible.

I also think I need to recommend that you read the dialogue out loud and make sure it makes sense, cuz there were some spots where I didn't think the dialogue made all that much sense.

I'm pretty familiar with Buddhist ideas and I've also read some good books about death, such as 'Graceful Exits' so the subject matter you are covering is of interest to me.

Probably the only other way I could be helpful for you is if I read over the outline. Other than that, I'd say you are on the right track, just needs some clarity - overall.

I'm considering making it into a short film rather than a tv/web series. wrote a few pages, here an update if you want it: https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B92L_9OxxW43Y2I4YTNkYTItOGQ2Zi00NmNmLWExNDQtNWQ2ZDJmYjM0OGRh

thank you :) I started a re-write about a month ago that focused more on Thomas Shoemaker. Better in my opinion, very different from the "this guy made a bad show, look how bad it is" formula of the original script.

https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B92L_9OxxW43NzdjNWY1ODMtZTY3ZC00NjQzLWI1MzEtMTE4ZjYwM2ZhZmE4

You need to spend some time putting this in proper formatting: slug lines, character and dialogue etc etc.

I'd also recommend that you learn more about how to write good action for a screenplay. You are literally describing the images on the screen - words like "infamous" and describing darkness as "mysterious" aren't really part of the craft. If it's important a character is infamous, show us that they are through images or plot.

you also need to learn how to properly use ALL CAPS in your screenplay. Rather than the adjective that is descrigin a thing, you need to caps the important thing. so rather than OMINOUS tower. It would be ominous TOWER. Better yet: A TOWER obscured by mist and fog. Made of dark stone, it is the only thing on the horizon. So if it's truly important that this tower is ominous, give it some ominous characteristics but try to remain brief.

You also need to stop "directing" from the page - so specifying transitions like cuts or fades etc, all of that is implied.

If you are passionate about screenwriting and want people to take your story seriously, you must learn the format so that you can get out of your own way and let the story speak for itself. Pick up a copy of: https://www.amazon.com/Screenwriters-Complete-Writing-Formatting-Selling/dp/1935247212

And keep writing! Love the passion and the interest. These are just some ideas on how you can present your ideas in such a way that people will be more willing to focus on them. You have to have passable screenwriting craft in order to present your story. Cheers and keep on keeping on!

There's plenty of free screenwriting software out there. Like celtx. It will help you format this correctly.

Capitalize character names when they're first introduced and give us a short word or two about them so we can get a visual.

Format exists the way it does for readability. It's hard to get into the story with the readability compromised.

Hey bud, don't know how keen you are to give this another read through, it isn't perfect yet, but I feel structurally it is pretty sound. I'll fix some of the dialogue issues in the next week or so but I think this is a lot better than was originally posted. Would like to hear your thoughts. I am aware of the grammatical/spelling errors, I just got really excited so I wanted to get all my ideas down quickly before I start editing.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B2z6_9ejYa31dXRNa2NRSjlCMkE5V0xqeTQzUU1SYjVZT2xN/edit?usp=sharing

PS: I'd be up to read anything you have if you need a second opinion.

Just a tip about something:

I’d recommend you not write: We hear…” or “we see…” or “We jump cut to…”

Simply write the action.

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Other than that, all I can say is that this story is extremely uneventful.

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I'd recommend you read more scripts. List some movies you like and see if you can find the scripts for them. Perhaps read the book 'Save The Cat'.

Here's a link: https://www.amazon.com/Mindsweeper-Ryan-Barczak

Don't read Save the Cat unless you want to churn out cliche, dull and boring screenplays. Snyder's method is the reason Hollywood puts out bland films constantly.

Instead, read The Writer's Journey. It details Joseph Campbell's ideas on mythic structure which inspired films like Star Wars, Avatar, and pretty much any other movie. It doesn't give you a formula, it gives you a better understanding of storytelling, which is the goal of screenwriting.

My favorite screenwriting book is The Screenwriter's Bible by David Trottier. It's clear. Concise. A ton of examples.

Into the Woods by John Yorke is my favorite book on structure.