What are /r/rapecounseling's favorite Products & Services?

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In my experience, it's very normal. In fact, for me, I had MORE nightmares once I was with my current partner, and I think it was because I finally felt safe to actually start processing what I'd been through. Once I felt safe, I started having to deal a lot more with PTSD, stuff like that. At first it threw my partner off, but we talked about it, and once I was able to communicate that it was actually BECAUSE I felt safer, it was easier to handle. Hopefully, your bf will be able to understand that you having nightmares about the past doesn't in any way reflect how you feel about him now! It can be challenging for both of you, but the more open you can both be the better (in my experience). Best of luck to you

You've gotten a couple of good recommendations so far, including van der Kolk's book and Courage to Heal.

I would definitely recommend Reddit's r/traumatoolbox on the sidebar to your right. In fact, our sidebar is loaded with a number of support sites and trauma resources. www.Pandys.org aka Pandora's Aquarium is a support site similar to ours, but with a lot more interaction and sub-forums dedicated to different aspects of sexualized violence.

There are so many books I could recommend which I'm happy to list, but don't wish to overwhelm you.

A classic that goes to the heart of trauma recovery is: Trauma & Recovery by Judith Herman. It's not specific to sexualized violence, but addresses our reactions to trauma and how to overcome them. You can find it on Amazon for a few dollars. https://www.amazon.com/Trauma-Recovery-Aftermath-Violence-Political/dp/0465087302

If you'd like more recommendations for coping strategies or books, let me know. There are many many podcasts, but none I know well enough to recommend.

Wanting to work past it and actually working past it aren't necessarily the same thing. It's great that you gave yourself some space and took some time before trying to be intimate again.

Acknowledging that you had a traumatic experience doesn't mean that you need to blame him or dwell on it, but you need to give yourself some space to really experience and process that trauma. Crying when you experience a painful flashback isn't something to fight against or feel embarrassed about, it's a normal part of healing.

When you burst into tears don't try to stop crying and worry about how vulnerable or awkward it feels. Really let yourself have a good cry and experience the emotions, and talk to him so he knows what to expect... that part of your healing will involve stopping and crying sometimes but that doesn't mean you want to be done with the intimacy or that he needs to do anything more than be emotionally present and be patient with you.

It's not an easy process, and it involves a lot of trust and patience and vulnerability. My advice comes from a lot of reading and conversations and therapy but ultimately I'm just a random person on the internet. If anything I'm writing doesn't feel right to you then don't feel like you have to force yourself. If you can book an appointment with a therapist who is experienced with sexual trauma then you can pick their brain about specific plans that could work for you in your relationship. You could also try a self-help book that could give you some ideas about what healing looks like for people who have been through similar traumatic experiences.

Hey there, I had issues with eating after being assaulted too. I couldn't eat for almost 2 years and my mother started looking into recovery programs for me. What worked for me was starting a new workout plan. It made me hungrier and I started to eat. However, I know recovery is different for everyone.

I would suggest protein shakes and carb loaders (something is better than nothing, right?).

It sounds like you are having panic attacks due to anxiety (https://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/panic-attack-symptoms).

You may want to talk with your therapist about how you can recover when you have an attack. Breathing exercises may help.

Keep reaching out for support and take good care.

I am a strong believer in early sex education/body safety. Kids should learn proper names for body parts, 'red flag' behavior from grown-ups, and that they can always say no to touches they don't want.

"I Said No!" and "It's not the Stork" are my favorite books for teaching young children about safe touches and boundaries. Nanny cams are very cheap and easy to use nowadays, and can give a little extra peace of mind.

> you can never truely trust anyone, not even those closest to you

PTSD sucks. Letting your guard down for your own safety is hard enough, but imagining something happening to your kids is enough to bring on a panic attack. Don't try to force yourself to move out of your comfort zone and get a babysitter, but likewise don't feel like you have to be 100% committed to never leaving your kids with someone. Take it a day at a time and if at some point you think you could consider a friend/family member/well-recommended babysitter then figure out what the boundaries would look like and what they would have to agree to. People have very different opinions about child behavior, and one person's discipline is another's emotional abuse. You can spell out stuff like no yelling ever and specific discipline strategies to use and a good babysitter will respect that.

So, I don't know your specific circumstances or exactly what things are like at your school but a counselor should be okay with maintaining boundaries around topics you aren't able to talk about. You would have to be a little vulnerable in saying something like 'I had a traumatic experience a while back and teacher X reminds me of it. It's very difficult to focus in his class, is it possible for me to transfer to a different class?'

In many states educators are mandatory reporters, so if you did disclose something to them they would have to report it to law enforcement/family services. If you stick up for your boundaries and say that you don't want to discuss anything specific about your past and just want help with this schedule change then they might be able to help you. If a conversation like that doesn't feel safe for you then stick with your gut, you definitely don't have to stress yourself out if it doesn't sound like something that would end up being helpful for you.

If you think a self help book might be useful for getting some insight about what to do with the hypervigilance and feelings of vulnerability then I can recommend a few that might help. A local library could probably hook you up with a physical copy or I can PM you a link where you could download them.

In An Unspoken Voice is the first book I'd recommend. It had a lot of great background information and practical advice about the causes of PTSD and dealing with the symptoms.

The Body Remembers is a slightly more academic read that really digs into the links between memories, emotional states, and the body's responses to them. It was also helpful for understanding what my brain was doing and how I could help myself deal with PTSD.

What that guy did to you was not cool. :( Please see /u/thrfscowaway8610's comment here.

> i ... have been thinking about suicide.

Have you thought about possibly reading the Dr. Burns book, contacting a local doctor, and/or taking any other additional steps to try to make your suicidal thoughts go away?

The Dr. Burns book is really good. Various small studies show that, for maybe 70% of people who've finished the book, their depression goes away within a month. The book is also useful for suicidal individuals; see the Amazon reviews.

It’s a tough situation. If they won’t go to a counselor then you can try to be their counselor. I have done that for an ex who wouldn’t talk to anyone else. It’s not easy but there are books and resources out there.

One of the most impactful things for me long after my childhood SA and rapes is how C-PTSD triggered several disabling autoimmune and neurological conditions that I would probably not be dealing with now if I hadn’t had such a traumatic childhood. If they ‘stuff’ what has happened and wallow in rage or shame or whatever this can profoundly affect their health. There’s a very highly rated book about this, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma.

You are absolutely not overreacting. This is about you and your life, your past, and how you are healing from it. I would personally feel like my trust was violated if a partner shared my past with someone before having my permission to do so. That issue is between you and your boyfriend to communicate about and work though. Additionally, I would hope he is supporting you in front of his best friend, rather than letting said friend victimize and blame you. What happened to you was NOT your fault and you don't deserve to become the best friend's target.

There is a book that I have found to be helpful called, Life, Reinvented: A Guide to Healing from Sexual Trauma for Survivors and Loved Ones. There are actually a ton of quality book on Amazon in regards to healing and helping loved ones survive sexual trauma. I also highly recommend you and your partner have some counseling together with a psychotherapist or similar professional. Therapy was pivotal in my relationship following my assault.

Edit: Another book I cannot recommend highly enough is The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. It was given to me by my own psychotherapist and does a fantastic job of explaining physical responses to trauma.

i think i have mine back and i think maybe it's even stronger than ever, though things do fluctuate. it's about 4 years for me. therapy, group therapy, and this sub have been critical to my recovery. writing has been really important... and then sharing the writing... that was some scary and powerful shit for me. i didn't fully start sharing my writing until this year. i am about to self publish a poetry collection that centers on my rape. to me it will be sort of a final stage of healing (if there is such thing as a final stage).

if you aren't in therapy i recommend getting a copy of the rape recovery handbook and working (slowly with self compassion) through the exercises in there: https://www.amazon.com/Rape-Recovery-Handbook-Step-Step/dp/1572243376

and finding more survivors to talk to.

confront your deepest feelings of shame and fear.

take all your fears and put them into the light for you to really see, and see they aren't as scary anymore.

build up a support network whether if be online at first but then in your real life.

i wrote this about my rape: thoughtcatalog.com/velouria-black/2017/10/i-will-no-longer-let-you-invalidate-my-rape/

that was me breaking my own silence this year, probably with help from the gusto of the metoo campaign.

you will get your voice back and you will love yourself more deeply than ever before. it is hard work. it is painful. but you are going to get there. and if you need a friend along the way you have one in me sister <3

I'm sorry that you were told that because you didn't walk out, it means you wanted it to happen. This is misinformation.

All mammals respond to trauma/stress in one of three ways; fight, flight or freeze (http://www.stressstop.com/stress-tips/articles/fight-flight-or-freeze-response-to-stress.php). It is very common for the core brain to quickly assess (in nano-seconds) a situation and choose how to react. The core brain response over-rides all other brain activity. So you may be thinking "I should just walk out" but your legs won't work or you can't seem to get up to leave.

A great book about anxiety is "Rewire Your Anxious Brain" (https://www.amazon.com/Rewire-Your-Anxious-Brain-Neuroscience-ebook/dp/B00QG5SW58) It may help you understand your anxiety and how to cope with it.

I know that you will feel differently about yourself and your trauma experiences once you begin to open up to a professional.

Take good care and be gentle with yourself (you're only human)

Try reading the book "The Sexual Healing Journey" by Wendy Maltz (https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B0083DHILK/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&amp;btkr=1) The author suggests not engaging in sex until you are ready, otherwise it becomes a chore and/or an obligation.

You can be intimate with your boyfriend and not engage in sexual activity. Sharing loving caresses, massages and slowly/gently working up to sexual activity could be beneficial. Communication will be important so you can tell your sexual partner when you are feeling triggered or uncomfortable. It will take time and patience.

Keep reaching out for support. I wish you the best.

Are you getting professional help? Have you considered prescription drugs to lessen your symptoms?

A great book to help you with your anxiety is:

https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B00QG5SW58/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&amp;btkr=1

Understanding what is going on in your brain can help you learn to cope with exercises.

I wish you the best!

This book may be very helpful for you and your gf:

https://www.amazon.ca/Sexual-Healing-Journey-Guide-Survivors-ebook/dp/B0083DHILK/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1488408626&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=the+sexual+healing+journey

Courage to Heal is a classic book for adults recovering from childhood sexual abuse. There is a good workbook that goes together with the main text. Here's a link to Amazon. Looks like you could get both books for under $40, maybe less if you get used copies. https://www.amazon.com/Courage-Heal-Survivors-Sexual-Anniversary/dp/0061284335/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1476304590&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=Courage+to+Heal

I'm really glad you are seeing a specialist. It's really important. Not that there aren't many good therapists doing good work, but what you need is specific.

Please feel free to ask any other questions!

https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B003FS0KGI/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&amp;btkr=1

If you follow the link above it will ltake you to a description of a book by Peter Levine, titled "Healing Trauma: A Pioneering Program for Restoring the Wisdom of Your Body"

The book talks about how animals in the wild deal with daily stress and trauma. There are simple exercises included. The reviews of this book are from both men and women that claim the book is short and easy to read.

Best wishes on your recovery. Take care of yourself!

That's good to know about the kit being good up to 5 days after. Something I learned from being ostracized by that group was 1. who my friends are and 2. I really don't need those assholes. Friends flew in from as far as Hawaii to support me when I made my deposition and from Iceland to accompany me to court dates. Let me know if you need to vent, be distracted or want someone to relate details about legal stuff (I highly recommend reading &quot;I never called it rape&quot; before your deposition, it really helped me articulate myself.) or want someone to be a soundboard. It's not easy and that's an understatement, but I doubt you'll regret it. <3

I'm glad you're feeling better. It's helpful to recognize things that might set you off into feeling terribly again (I know I cycle pretty hard since my trauma). > I feel like what happened to me isn't "bad enough"

I had this feeling too, but there's no hierarchy, I promise. Sometimes the hardest thing to deal with is ourselves in the wake of it all, and everyone reacts differently, some people may "have it worse" in their trauma but deal with it effortlessly, and other people might have less of a law-and-order-type assault, but internally they may be more sensitive or ruminating, and have a harder time. The best thing about trauma support groups is the support. I haven't had an alienating experience yet.

>Also - and this is gonna sound weird I know - I'm afraid professional/peer support would make me identify myself as a victim in a bad way.

This is something I've thought about after getting into therapy (it was my first time ever seeking counseling). Sometimes I wonder if I am feeling so much because therapy is forcing me to hear more hard stories or think more about my own. I still deal with this doubt, but I think overall, it's making me do the work I would avoid otherwise, and doing this painful work is helping me to recover.

Do what's best for you, but remember those options exist and you will be welcomed there.

One thing I did get from therapy is the ability to accept my response (I froze) and more than accept it - appreciate it and trust it. I'm a small person, really small, and I'm a woman. A lot of things could easily kill me. My freezing reaction is centuries of evolution saying this is the best reaction for me to survive. Play dead/wait it out. I not only forgive myself for not fighting, but love myself for it.

Also, this book helped me a lot: http://www.amazon.com/Rape-Recovery-Handbook-Step-Step/dp/1572243376

much love and support to you in your journey of healing <3

You've already got some good advice here, but might I suggest using a book as a jumping-off point? Here's one that might be a bit below her level, but you can read it with her and encourage her to ask questions if she doesn't understand something.

Normally "the talk" is something that happens a bit at a time as the kid grows up. At seven, she doesn't need all the details, just information on biology so forth. In a year or two will be a good time to explain puberty, and once she gets into her teenage years she should know about how to prevent pregnancy and STDs. Just go with what is age appropriate.