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Yes giving up guarantees failure but for some reason the certainty of failure is less traumatizing for me. What you said reminded me of this quote: https://quotefancy.com/media/wallpaper/3840x2160/1746072-Thomas-A-Edison-Quote-I-didn-t-fail-1000-times-The-light-bulb-was.jpg

I've been reading this book: https://www.amazon.ca/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703/

It tells how our "externalizer" immature parents expect us to make them feel better. They are self-involved. How they turn us to "internalizers" who always feel like there is something wrong with them. End we end up finding other externalizers in life.

So this "externalizer vs internalizer" dynamic start in the family.

Who expects it from you? Your siblings? or your aunts and uncles?

When I found myself all alone in a strange city, I started going to activities on meetup.com. It can be hit or miss since it's localized, but where I'm at there's meetups for hiking, drinking, music, etc.

The great part is everyone is there to meet new people, and you have a specific thing you're doing together, so the ice is kinda pre-broken. It eases the awkwardness of meeting people and trying to arrange a friendship...

I met all kinds of other lonely people and ended up making some real friends, lol

Yep.

-- I was curious where this quotation came from. For those interested, I Googled and found that it's from:

Author: Millon, Theodore, et al. Title: Personality Disorders in Modern Life

Amazon link

Its a question asked a lot on AvPD forums, understandably. I've always worked in an office, its not the right environment for me, a very uncomfortable one in close quarters.. spending the best part of my life with people I have no choice but to be with! I'm now 40 and going about changing this, its not easy :( I dream about working the night shift, or from home a lot. There are lots of alternatives... and you are young so have the opportunity to point yourself in the right direction. Don't let AvPD define you, find a way to manage your life and lifestyle around it.

I recently found this free website for learning computer coding, its quite a solitary job and well paid https://www.sololearn.com

No need for any experience to begin, learn at your own pace even from your phone and it walks you through the whole learning process seamlessly with lots of support from other user comments. You get a cert (which you can add directly to linkedin) for each course.. and i'm sure some confidence too :)

There are not many books specifically about AvPD. Martin Kantor wrote two books about AvPD :

Distancing: Avoidant Personality Disorder

The Essential Guide to Overcoming Avoidant Personality Disorder

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B081F9VFF5/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_image_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

I grabbed one of these and I think it helps. just use it on your scalp before and/or while showering, get the water flowing and clear everything out! Then muster up the whatever to look at your scalp in the mirror and see if it cleaned it up nice. Even if the dandruff isnt solved permanantly, you can go to get a cut with some confidence that it's not going to snow.

I feel you though. I go bun length then buzz it myself over and over and over. If I'm honest with myself it's not wanting to go get a cut. Hugs

You say you need hope, so I try to give you some by saying that it can and will get better. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not in a year, maybe not in five. But it does and it will. Your first and foremost task is not to magically turn your live around by suddenly doing all those amazing things. It's to keep going. Just that. Try not to dwell on anything and just keep on going. Let things happen. Life has a habit of doing it's thing when you let it. Read "Mindfulness in Plain English" or watch some talks of John Kabat-Zinn on youtube. Delete Facebook if you use that. Be as kind and understanding to yourself as you are to the person you love most. Remember that you are very important to some people even if they never show or say anything about it.

Be safe buddy!

I was diagnosed with AvPD 6 years ago.

Read as much as you can about AvPD and see how much relates to your experience. This is one of the best articles I've seen on the subject http://justpaste.it/hols

I suggest making some notes on the aspects of AvPD you associate most strongly with and then make an appointment to go and speak with your doctor, take the notes with you. Be honest with him/her, and be honest with yourself, it really is the first step.

You won't leave the appointment with a formal diagnosis but will hopefully be referred to someone who can help, a clinical psychologist in my case. It could take time depending on waiting lists etc.

Try not to worry too much about the idea that you might be avoidant, it's nothing to be ashamed of and is more common than perhaps you realise, in my experience getting the diagnosis was a relief.

I hope things work out for you.

Rejection hurts in proportion to the importance you put on it. Those of us with AvPD, social anxiety, or depression tend to make unreasonably pessimistic inferences from rejections like "nobody will ever like me" or "I'm inherently broken, unworthy, etc." Each new rejection can be a trigger for accumulated anger against all the people who you felt rejected or wronged by in the past. You can combat this by countering these thoughts each time they come up. I personally do this by reminding myself that I'm making unreasonable generalizations, and that rejection is often not because of something I did. It's helpful to have a reminder to do this, like a note written somewhere you'll see it regularly. It's also crucial to get used to uncertainty. This isn't something humans tolerate in great doses by default, so we resolve the discomfort it creates by coming to the irrational and self-defeating conclusions that make rejection so painful. If you do all this consistently, rejection can go from excruciating to merely stinging.

I second u/Fintan78's recommendation of exposure therapy. I would recommend finding a social anxiety support group, since those are usually free. There are several websites that list these groups, and meetup.com has some too.

I resent my family for not preparing me for life. They used to me to validate their emotions.

I can have sympathy for them when I read books about immature parents. https://www.amazon.ca/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703

But I feel your struggle.

I can also recommend a book I read by a psychiatrist in Toronto. Finding Purpose in a Godless World: Why We Care Even If The Universe Doesn't

https://www.amazon.ca/Finding-Purpose-Godless-World-Universe/dp/163388385X

I met the author and his wife. Serious minded science based people who went through some scary times with his wife's cancer and had to get their bearings, so to speak.

I make mind maps when I need to remember something boring. It's less stressful to work on something you're familiar with (at least for me). There are free softwares that can help

https://www.xmind.net/

Yup, sounds exactly like my mom. It's been incredibly frustrating. This book helped me with that a lot.

​

(new account because I'm still not comfortable talking about stuff like this online)

Just a wild guess, but maybe this book could help you: When He's Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment

The book When He's Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment might help you deal with this.

I'm not a lawyer, but there must be less networking-intensive jobs for someone with a JD. You got this far, and that's far from nothing. Wasn't Susan Cain, the author of Quiet, formerly a lawyer? AvPD isn't the same as introversion, obviously, but looking into her story might give you some ideas about how to work within the industry.

The only other thing I can think of is that having a goal when speaking to people, such as researching a particular interest, sometimes helps get me out of self-focus mode. if you can find ways to talk one-on-one with people strictly in your career fields of interest, that might be enough to help you find a lead. Sometimes niche fields are looking for new blood to mentor, and being specialized in itself could help you find clients down the line.

Again, I speak from outside the industry, but that's the kind of trick I employ to get myself moving.

This one maybe?

I personally just use Habitica because it has a web interface and it's much faster for me to type in the tasks that need to be done off of the keyboard. Methinks, typing them out on a phone can be a chore in on itself.

This book has helped me a ton when it comes to dealing with shame:

Understanding and Treating Chronic Shame: Healing Right Brain Relational Trauma (Patricia DeYoung, 2nd edition) https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B09LNJD2XF/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_R8F22SKFM6ZTA7WJ9KQW

Understanding and Treating Chronic Shame: A Relational/Neurobiological Approach (Patricia DeYoung, 1st edition) https://smile.amazon.com/dp/1138831204/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_5X40HVZ8YKQ2PRTEPGS1

It's actually meant for therapists so parts of it get pretty theoretical but if you look at the reviews on the 1st edition (the 2nd Ed is pretty new) there are a ton from non-therapist people saying it helped them understand and deal with shame.

The problem is a trust problem. I was like you before but I challenged myself and won in the end. Others are no better than you. Apply this programm, develop yourself, participate in a combat sport, And everything will be fine.

this happened to me so much I closed up about pretty much everything in my personality except work which is pretty much the only thing they encourage and leave me alone to do (after all who else but her only working son is going to look out for her when she is old).

I don't share anything that can be hidden because they are neurotic obsessive invasive asshats. So I love it that every day they feel like I become more distant to them. Well of course I do, its on purpose.

Go ahead and get your books in digital format. I download mine from https://z-lib.org/ or you could buy them, and even listen them as audiobooks.

Have them in your phone so that they can't see what you are doing unless they grab your phone. In which case get a phone that has fingerprint protection so that they can't unblock it without it. If they tried to get as far as physically grabbing my finger to unlock it, I would get to punches.

I have been coming to realize that people can be fascist too and that there is such a thing as fascistic personalities. Become covert, do things in secret, don't allow them into your mind.

Overcoming Avoidance Behaviors Journal: Avoidant Personality Disorder Workbook For Adolescents and Adults ( Subconscious Mind Challenge strategy ) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B097WZXQYL/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_i_E9ZXMKBQQGRNVVKG26MD?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1

https://www.amazon.com.au/Breaking-Negative-Thinking-Patterns-Self-help/dp/1118877713/ref=asc_df_1118877713/?tag=googleshopmob-22&linkCode=df0&hvadid=341745485406&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=3158584866535548361&hvpone=&hvptw...

That's the one I'm doing right now. :)

you can join the irc channel of this subreddit https://kiwiirc.com/client/irc.rizon.net/?nick=Avie?#AvPD

or https://www.7cups.com/

i would suggest the first because peopel there will understand you better than random listeners

I'm a little younger, but I empathize with your situation. We're so dependent on vocation as identity that it's often the first question we ask strangers after the how are you/fine dance. Being objective and reflecting on qualities past employers have appreciated might help get you out of your head, but I won't waste your time asking you to make insipid lists.

> incessant negativity and hypersensitivity are getting intolerable

Born into this. That was me for decades. I'd written myself off as an inveterate curmudgeon until I began meditating earlier this year. Tried it as a kid and only became frustrated, but simple, secular programs like this have helped alter my attitude. I still get pissed off and criticize myself, but I have more control over my emotions and who I want to be. By recognizing you're arguing over stupid shit, you've made a solid first step.

save your Self-esteem

Raise the level of confidence

Daring and daring and daring

Not being afraid of failure

self development

Building a solid personality that is not affected by criticism

After all, we live in a pragmatic society, don't be nice or weak
_________

Yes, I suffered a lot from that, but you must adapt and develop your character.

This Journal will help you a lot

keep going, this workbook may help you to deal with your struggles

bless you child, you need this https://www.amazon.com/Manson-Subtle-Giving-Everything-combo/dp/B07Y57WH9H/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2ZHTJJX6U0IE4&dchild=1&keywords=the+subtle+art+of+not+giving+a+fck&qid=1623439902&sprefix=the+sub%2Caps%2C168&sr=8-2

I have both AvPD and CPTSD (and a bunch of other things). Personality disorders are often comorbid with CPTSD (sources: this book, my psychologist, and after spending years on mental health subreddits). Honestly I don’t know anyone I’ve gotten to know from treatment programs and on Reddit with CPTSD who doesn’t meet the criteria for at least one personality disorder. The personality disorder traits are the coping mechanisms for the CPTSD; it would be awfully hard to survive all of these years without coping mechanisms. My psychologist thinks all personality disorders are the result of childhood trauma.

Often people with CPTSD present with BPD (at least in the US). If I go to the r/CPTSD subreddit, I don’t come close to relating to every post there but I pretty much do to every post on r/AvPD. For me, the label CPTSD is the superset to the label of AvPD — it encompasses AvPD but is much less specific.

Have you heard about toxic shame?

1/6 Youtube talk on toxic shame by John Bradshaw

Book: Healing The Shame That Binds You

So cultured, so sophisticated

hey guys I'm making a concept album about general artificial intelligence and global warming personified as a space-dwelling goddess! haha!*That logic doesn't really follow. Calm and rational Obama let you down, so now you distrust *all candidates who are calm and rational?* Device information

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I'm not all the way through but The Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Workbook for Personality Disorders by Jeffrey Wood has been helpful so far. It's good for non-PD issues too (anxiety etc) but it's aimed towards personality disorders in general so not specific to AvPD. It's a self-guided workbook so if you have done CBT before with a therapist before that might help though prior experience isn't necessary. I'd also recommend it if you are about to start with a therapist too.

I'd say that book's a good starting point, given what other users have said about the effectiveness of CBT in treating AvPD.

Currently doing CBT using this book. It's ok so far but a bit generic as it does cover all the personality disorders. Useful for anyone who's with a therapist but it's really suited to people who are more comfortable doing it alone. Useful even if you've done CBT before.

Elaine Aron's "The Highly Sensitive Person" might interest you. It touches on many of these ideas and essentially says sensitive individuals exists in many species and give survival advantages to groups. I found it very fitting, personally.

https://www.amazon.com/Highly-Sensitive-Person-Thrive-Overwhelms/dp/0553062182

Cried of course but no mirror. Try this book for answers to your question.

That's great!

Could I ask you a favor? Could you leave your success story that you just posted as a review on the Amazon page for my book? It would really help me out with getting some initial eyeballs on my book on Amazon.

I’ve been going to group therapy and they differentiate the skills groups and the process groups, and to me the process groups is where most of the work happens. I think of processing as the self discovery and “why” part of healing. But for it to work you kind of have to be proactive and form an authentic connection with your therapist (or group). I totally recommend this book, as a guide on what to do in therapy.

I think I’ll make it my goal this year to start working on my self-esteem more, as well. I bought 52 Lists for Happiness to work on this year, in the hopes that it will help me with some self-reflection and positivity. Getting out of my negative, hopeless mindset is hard, but I know that it’s only made worse by my usual habit of trying to escape and ignore my feelings. My journey will begin now, too. Good luck to you!

So much of what you said is the same as myself. Though some I have managed to tone down to a degree.

One things that I'd like to share that helped me a lot, was attempting to drop perfectionism as a concept. It's flawed and completely self destructive.

Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David D Burns has a chapter on "Daring to be average" which was really insightful to me. Perfectionism is a trap - a desire that will never be sated, causing feel bad about whatever you do.

There is nothing wrong with average. You wouldn't expect someone else to be perfect, so why yourself? Your monetary value, your qualifications, your job, your achievements are not indicative of your worth. Perfectionism tells us otherwise. It is wrong.

I really recommend giving the book a read. Or even just that chapter.

I like this quote:

> Speaking figuratively, I divide psychological disorders into hot red > pepper, garlic, and onion styles. Hot red pepper disorders trouble > only the self, "upsetting the stomach," while others escape distress. > Garlic disorders trouble others through "bad breath," but the self > escapes "emotional dyspepsia." Onion disorders trouble both others > and the self as "interpersonal bad breath" accompanies "personal > dyspepsia." While social phobia is a hot red pepper disorder, mainly > interferring with one's own functioning, AvPD is an onion disorder, > for it both affects the avoidants' personal well-being and happiness > and is troubling to and detrimental to others in the avoidants' world.

From The Essential Guide to Overcoming Avoidant Personality Disorder

Eyore, sometimes.

That chick from Welcome to the Dollhouse. I'm avoidant to protect myself from being like her, if that makes any sense. Deep down, I feel like a grade-grubber, self-centered, self-esteem-less, angry, humiliated, desperately lonely, homely little girl. It feels like the only good I ever do is when I manage to suppress my basic nature. I feel so ugly inside that I can't let myself get close to anybody.

I feel like the author's childhood friend from the memoir Songs from the Black Chair. Spoiler Alert--One of his friends ends up in his late twenties with a very low paying job (more than I could achieve) and all he does is endlessly write in his journal. That is one of my only hobbies, endless introspection.