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I hear you but he worked with abusive men in group therapy, often court ordered. He hates them as much as we do :) it’s a great book. This one too: Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse https://www.amazon.com/dp/0997829087/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_MNAaDbG6S5NMJ
I came here to say just this. Whyyy did it take me so long to read, my counsellor recommended it a year ago. Here is the free PDF https://www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf
I find it hard to believe he “accidentally” pushed his ex, especially considering you’ve seen enough red flags that you came to a DV sub. You don’t accidentally push someone hard enough to break their arm.
Abusers very rarely change. In order to even begin to change, he has to realize and admit that he is abusive. He can’t change as long as he insists he’s done nothing wrong, blames it all on others, or turns events into “accidents”. There’s an author, Lundy Bancroft, who was a counselor that worked with abusers. His book “Why Does He Do That?” is really well known, and really helpful, but he also has a book about whether your relationship can be saved. Maybe that might be helpful to you.
https://www.amazon.com/Should-Stay-Relationship-Can-Should-be/dp/042523889X/ref=nodl_
There's a few ways. Images are pretty easy- you can use a reverse image search like tineye or Google images to look for copies of a particular image. Google's option is really good at finding cropped or edited versions, but it can give more false positives than tineye.
As far as video, there are tools available to law enforcement, but not much at the private level. Regularly googling your name may come up with something if (God forbid) your name is attached to a video or image.
If anything is found, the site may voluntarily take it down because revenge porn is generally illegal. However, it's a very good idea to report it to the local fbi field office right away. They'll help advise where to go next from a law enforcement perspective.
Mate this sounds like a really helpless situation for you. You can't stop his behaviour and you have to watch the pain he causes her. It sounds hurtful for you mate I'm sorry. You're being so supportive to her which is great!
Have you asked your partner why she refuses to be proactive? There could be many reasons. She could be scared of what he'll do to her, she could be traumatically bonded to him, she could feel worthless and guilty for anything that happens to him etc. Sad thing is you can't make her see it, a book that really helps survivors is why does he do that it can really help people understand.
This is stalking behaviour and her workplace has an obligation to protect her from it. Line managers sometimes try to dismiss it cos they don't know what to do but she can take it further eg with HR, legal department, senior management etc. Are there policies in place re staff safety etc? She can also raise the risk to the business through damage, theft and reputation damage if something happens. That's if she wants to do it though, it can be hard standing up for yourself against someone like this.
I hope things go ok mate, keep reaching out here
Hi Austen this is a really sad situation. She's your cousin and this guy is behaving really badly, it's horrible to watch it happen and I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. "Where to start" is a good question. I'm so glad that she has you in her life, you obviously care and she needs that right now.
Usually by the time anybody finds out the person is being abused a lot has happened, there's already a lot of things that stop the person from leaving. She has a baby, and she may feel horrible about raising a baby alone. He may have threatened her, got her in debt, have porn videos of her etc. It's really important to remember that you'll only know the tip of the iceberg here he'll be doing far more.
The best advice I've ever heard is to be the opposite of the abuser, don't tell her what to do she gets enough of that at home. Ask her what she thinks and treat her perspective with respect and compassion, don't make her feel worse than she already does. Do not EVER tell her to just leave and let her know that you support her no matter what. He'll be isolating her from people and the last thing she needs is to feel she has nobody and is totally trapped.
I suggest reading Why does he do that? and if you can get her to read it too. There's also helping her get free which can help.
It says great things about you that you're trying to find ways to help her, you obviously care about her and she's lucky to have you.
Hi Natalie
I'm really sorry that he's done this to you. The strangulation the running in terror it all sounds so scary and awful. I believe you and I'm sorry that others don't...the sad thing is that them not believing you doesn't change the fact that it did. People have a way of believing what they want to believe.
It's still early days and it sounds like you're in traumatic bonding which I'd expect so soon on. You need him to be there to give you hugs and support you're missing that without him and it's so hard. It's natural to want the day side of him you're bound to want that still there was all the good things you were drawn to.
The cars and his friends is really worrying. Can you get CCTV for your house? You can get it for under 100 on Amazon nowadays. Can you get deadbolts fitted on doors and an alarm? If nothing else it'll make you feel safer.
I'm really impressed with your strength here you're doing amazingly. Is there a dv outreach centre you can speak to, can the police refer you anywhere? Have you read Lundy Bancrofts book I think it'd give you great comfort. Don't forget we are here for you no matter what if you need anything just reach out
Stop Hurting the Woman You Love: Breaking the Cycle of Abusive Behavior
I hear this book is good and the authors, who started The Men’s Resource Center, run a pretty good domestic violence and intimate partner violence program. They have both voluntary enrollment programs and court mandated programs. These programs are found on the Men’s Resource Center.
He has to want to do the work to change
Violent No More: Helping Men End Domestic Abuse, Third ed
The book says something like, most men can and will change but only if they know how and want to.
I agree.
https://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/PTSD-overview/basics/symptoms_of_ptsd.asp
"PTSD can develop at any age, including childhood. Women are more likely to develop PTSD than are men. This may be due to the fact that women are more likely to be victims of domestic violence, abuse, and rape." https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/post-traumatic-stress-disorder
How can you trust he'll change if he can't even admit he did wrong and specifically apologize for it? The START of change should be an apology. The apology is proven genuine when he follows through with change.
He isn't apologizing because he isn't sorry. Being ashamed is not the same thing as being sorry.
I just finished See What You Made Me Do by Jess Hill, and it had a fascinating chapter on how shame is a deep driver of abuse and rape and how many men react to shame by continuing their violence rather than letting it stop them.
Besides that, you are the hurt party. Your feelings are the feelings that matter first and foremost here. And he's showing he doesn't prioritize or care about your feelings, as he's refusing to give you the thing you're asking for now in the immediate present.
Should I Stay or Should I Go? a guide on if your relationship can or should be salvaged
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This is the book that after 5 years of not-quite-understanding-mental-discipline taught me how to make them very small and send them very, very, far away in my head. None of my tools were up to the 2 am dark hour of the soul, until this.
It is not an emotionally easy read, even though it is short and in story form. I read it twice on my own and my therapist loved the results so much that we worked through it a chapter a week. But part of why it works is that you are so distraught with Amanda's story that you practice the shielding under duress, which is when it needs to work. Comphy and safe and practicing for a dark hour does not cut it, or at least it didn't for me.
Good luck OP.
You've got this! As long as you're safe from harm, you'll have time to sort out all the other stuff. It's terrible that he kept the dog, but imo ir's not worth risking yourself over. But you can totally do this! It sucks, and it's terrifying, and it's worth it. You're worth it.
Also, something a poster on here shared that helped me with my own fears was getting a couple of portable door locks. This app won't let me shorten the link, but these things: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00186URTY/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_NSF7ECT6GD4G1S0VSHBJ?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
If you rent, ask landlord or stupor to change locks asap or ask if you can do it yourself. I also think this or something similar would make you feel safer.
Gently, it’s time to go. These signs are not good at all. You need to trust your instincts here.
I recommend that you read “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin DeBecker. It’s a good discussion on why we have those feelings of doubt and fear and about how we are taught to ignore them in many cases. It’s available online for free here:
https://www.docdroid.net/yrC8MoB/the-gift-of-fear-pdf
I suggest you prepare quietly to get out and not tell him until you are gone. I don’t know him, but he sounds scary enough to me that I wouldn’t want to take any chances that he could escalate when he knows you want out. Leaving is always the most dangerous time in a dangerous situation.
Abusers act out of a need to maintain power and control over their victims. Every abuser is their own amalgamation of methods, but most abuse looks similar once the dust settles. What I think is most important for you to understand about abusers is that their abuse is not contingent on your behavior. Even if you were meeting every need and whim of theirs, they would continue to find reasons to abuse you. Abusers play by their own rule book, and if they want to lash out at you, they will find a reason.
Someone already mentioned why does he do that, which is a great book, and I’ll attach a link to a free pdf for you: https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf
Do you understand that once they put their hands on your throat your risk of dying is very high? Strangling is the best predictor that you will end up dead in a relationship. It doesn’t matter if it’s intentional or “by accident,“ you are still gone.
I highly recommend you read “Why Does He Do That?,” by Lundy Bancroft. It’s important enough that it’s been made available online for free. One source is here:
If you understand /speak spanish, I recommend this autobiography of a woman who analyses the factors of her own abuse experience and how she got out of it. It's her only book with a very personal approach and it just gives hope.
Pareja violenta y tu liberación: Experiencias de la autora y otras mujeres y su liberación https://www.amazon.de/dp/8411152928/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_i_2SC0P58T8T3VENRQP9W6?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
A hotline is the best immediate help, they will form a practical plan with you. There's also this book, "What to Do When Love Turns Violent: A Practical Resource for Women in Abusive Relationships."
This is not your fault. Unfortunately the reality is that you can’t fix someone else. Nothing you do or say will make this better. Abusers don’t abuse because of what you do, they do it because something is broken in them.
I strongly suggest you read Lundy Bancroft’s book “Why Does He Do That?” It’s important enough that it’s been made available online for free. You can find one source here:
This is clearly a dangerous level of abuse already. He basically ticks all the boxes. Abuse doesn’t get better. The odds are frighteningly low that he will change. From what I’ve read it’s well less than 10% of abusers will change, low single digits. The change will only happen if they accept full responsibility for their abuse, make a deep and long term commitment to change, and get into therapy. Do you really see that happening?
If he doesn’t make that effort, you can expect this to escalate. It will likely happen in cycles, good days followed by bad days, mediocre days followed by worse days until you don’t even know which way is up, but you can’t see how to get out. If it escalates to where he puts his hands on your throat? You will be 8x more likely to be murdered whether “by accident” because he didn’t know when to stop or on purpose.
Is this how you want to life your life? Is this what is best for you? Because I don’t think it is. I think you are worth more, deserve more and should have much higher standards than this. Leave him now before you are stuck in a marriage with a child that you can’t get out from under. Get some therapy so that you value yourself more and have a chance to recover from all the abuse you’ve suffered.
If you do nothing else, read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. It’s available online for free at multiple sites because it’s such an important book for understanding abusers. You can find it here and at multiple other places.
I’m a DV survivor. I recently got this trauma workbook that really has helped. There’s a specific chapter that I think your GF would benefit from. The chapter has you write out these statements about how you are worthy of love and respect as well as the right to make your own decisions that make you happy. Here’s a link if you are interested: Healing the Trauma of Abuse: A Women's Workbook https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572241993/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apip_rsTG2tXudQDAV
Remember that ANY unwanted physical contact is assault. Abusive relationships have a cycle that repeats, and NEVER get better. Familiarize yourself with the red flags of an abusive relationship. Always prioritize your safety! Here's a book I found about abusive relationships that might be helpful to read:
"Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" https://the-eye.eu/public/Psychedelics/Psychedelic%20Praxis%20Library%203.0/Collections%20by%20Subject/Social%20Progress/2002%20-%20Bancroft%20-%20Why%20Does%20He%20Do%20That%20Inside%20the%20Minds%20of%20Angry%20and%20Controlling%20Men.pdf
Hello! The short answer to your question is unfortunately, no. It would take an abusive person years in therapy in specialized programs to address and correct their issues/thought process. I know that's hard to hear, but remember that their abusiveness is never your fault. There's a free pdf book you may find helpful to try to understand abuse called "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." Please remember to always put your safety first.
I HIGHLY recommend reading chapter 10 from the book The Gift of Fear, which has a good chapter on this, and completing the Mosaic Threat Assessment, developed by the author (after you complete the assessment for DV, chapter 10 is included). They go extensively into this topic. The fact is, protective orders can work for some situations, but your mother is also exactly right that they can absolutely cause greater violence and problems. The author talks about how many people do "go over the edge" when confronted with a protective order. The instincts and fear of the victim, often completely ignored by other people in the situation, have actually been proven to be one of the MOST accurate predictive tools for what an abuser may do.
Listen to your mother, try to counsel her honestly, and always offer resources and shelter but respect her instincts (and tell her to follow them to get out of the way when she is in fear!!!!). I know it is frustrating. Your mom has to feel empowered, not controlled by someone else on the other side of the equation.
Great resources are DV shelters and the National Domestic Violence Hotline, on the sidebar of this sub. Do you live with your mom? If you do and you are also in danger, please do what you have to to keep yourself safe. If you live separately, please consider being more compassionate with your mother's position and not creating the ultimatum.
Depending on the size of holes you can use this it was my go-to. I would also look around your apartment near water heater, etc and see if they have the paint since they normally keep it on-site for repairs. If not take a paint chip to match at a local store, then you just need a small brush and a paint stirring stick (theyre less than a dollar). Spackle, dry, sand, paint. I know its probably emotionally draining to deal with the mess but it will feel a lot better once its gone. As for the doors, mine were always destroyed beyond repair, it was easier to have them replaced. You can call the hardware store and ask if someone can install it if you don’t have someone that can help you, and you remove and reuse the old doorknob from the damaged door. The damage left can feel suffocating but one or two days of work and this burden will be over, it’ll be the last time you have to pick up the pieces.
And to give you an idea, I got my money back for the deposit and they never noticed any damage. You’ve got this.
I'm sorry this happened mate, things should never have gone this way but they did. There's so much good in him, and it's natural to miss that and want that back. If you're sure that you don't want to go back then best I can say is remember that it's like sweating out an addiction and it's worth it long term. Yes he can be great but there is so much fear and pain.
I really recommend getting Why does he do that it's the best book on DV ever written it can really help.
https://www.amazon.com/Not-People-Like-Us-Marriages/dp/0465090745 You’re not wrong. Social Services can victimize people further into dependent situations. There absolutely is trafficking going on through foster services, it’s a rather scandalous subject in California.
The social worker may think they’re helping by “breaking the cycle “ but this attitude of telling you they know how to mother your child better is anything but empowering.
When the survivor isn’t poor, they can downright refuse to help. There is discrimination against women in the middle or upper class who suffer DV. It’s a whole stigma really about what a victim is supposed to look like (uneducated, poor, shabbily dressed, uncultured, introverted submissive.)
Hey friend, I'm really sorry that this is happening. You're showing real strength and maturity posting here and trying to work out how to help her. She's lucky to have you and she needs you right now.
The sad thing is that nobody can make her split up with him. However much she's told you there will be so much more going on that she hasn't, he could have made more threats or just got in her head and made her think things that aren't true. Leaving is the most dangerous time for a victim thats when most serious incidents and murders happen. The best that you can do is support her. Encourage her to read Why does he do that that's the number one thing I've ever found that has helped victims get out or just survive.
It might reassure her to know that statistically DV abusers almost never kill themselves. It's just words that they say. The sad thing is that abusers tend to not accept that they're wrong and see everything as someone else's fault and it's hard to make someone like that change.
Best way to support a victim is be the opposite of abuser, don't tell her what to do or criticise her. She gets enough of that from him. Ask her what she thinks and support her decision to be with him, just say you don't like some of the things he's done. If you criticise him a lot either she'll avoid you or he'll make sure she can't be friends with you.
Do you have support for yourself? It's tiring going through something like this and it's hard work.
This is really sad mate, I'm not surprised it's causing so much pain. Dad's shouldn't sexualise their kids, it's just wrong. Shame is so powerful and it is an easy way to make people feel horrible. Words have power and through no fault of your own it's effected your self esteem. Your mum not stopping it is an extra level of pain for you.
Living with an abuser is hard, our lives can end up revolving around them and what mood they are in. We can end up constantly finding ways to manage it, to even have to accept a certain level of abuse because we can't get out. What things do you try? Does journaling help, meditation or just imaging yourself somewhere else?
A book that might help you is why does he do that it can help us make sense of things and get our heads round it.
Keep reaching out mate, we are here for you and we support you no matter what. We've got your back
Best book ever written on domestic abuse is why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. I also recommend it's my life now.
Everyone recommends the book Why does he do that as it delves in to it.
Also you have to remember that he is probably a certified sociopath like most of them and are narcissists so its never an answer that logic can explain away. They basically dont have empathy and are only using us and do the things we would do to make our SO happy, for other reasons like the control it gives them. They were never nice and loving us because they did have love it was because in their sick twisted minds it gave them what they wanted in the end.
Normal people who love would never do the things they do to their partners, let alone even want them sad and some of them thrive at that power dynamic to make someone fearful and upset. Im sure you know all this and just want to vent but trying to understand this stuff is never going to replace your love for them or help with the loss of all your hopes and dreams you had for your future. Go through the process of grieving for that loss and do your best of putting one foot in front of the other taking your life back, and moving as far away from this bump in the road as possible!
Best wishes 💜
You're welcome mate. Remember a victim's strong gut instinct about how he'll hurt her is the most reliable indicator of what's gonna happen next. I also really suggest getting this book it's the best book on DA ever written.
First, congratulations on making the decision to take care of yourself.
I highly recommend this book. We took a look at it in one of my classes and it's extremely helpful to people leaving abusive situations.
You need to go to counseling. It sounds really cliche, but it's going to be the thing that genuinely helps you work through these problems. Try to find a therapist who works with people who have dealt with domestic violence and is compassionate. It's okay to try a few people before you find a good fit. A good therapist is 100% worth the investment, because it's for your future and your wellbeing.
There are also support groups you can go to to talk about your situation, which will give you some reassurance. Your therapist will be able to point you in the right direction here, or you can google it if you live in a big city and you'll definitely find something. You might feel uncomfortable in these groups at first, but people are always so welcoming and will never pressure you to share more than you wish to.
First of all, I want to let you know that the problems in your relationship are probably coming from both sides. I don't mean this to dismiss abusive behavior or victim blame by any means, however. (Beverly Engel's The Emotionally Abused Woman had some good insights that might help you too)
I have no idea if he has been with any one else long term. I don't ask our mutual friends about him, but sometimes they volunteer information or tell me that he asked about me. Now that I've been out of the relationship for so long (and am in a new relationship with a more emotionally stable person) I do feel like I can see clearly how I contributed to the problems in our relationship. I do feel like his issues would be present in another relationship as well (just like mine are). How those issues may manifest with someone else though, I don't know. All I can do is take care of myself and try to be aware of my issues, and work on that. I can definitely say that I do still miss him from time to time - mostly because of the things we used to do together and the bond we had in that way, but I do not miss the rest - not one bit. And the thing is it's a package deal. I can't just have one side of a person. I will say, also, that since I've been out of that relationship I have become a healthier person and am better able to take care of myself without the constant nightmarish stress looming over me every day, and I am also allowed the mental space to properly reflect on my own psychological problems and try to remedy that. Don't get hung up on the what-ifs. Just reflect on what is best for you both. You might already know the answer.
Hi Andy, I've liked your page on facebook and trailer and shared it, it looks really good. I'm about to translate me book into Spanish to reach others with the message of how to successfully leave an abuser. It's titled Time to Go! Leaving Emotional Abuse and Other Forms of Abusive Relationships and is a #1 Amazon bestseller. If you are good at reading english check it out; it's free to download today until 11:59 pacific time. http://www.amazon.com/Leaving-Emotional-Abuse-Abusive-Relationships-ebook/dp/B00YHGO9N2/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1425161486&sr=1-1
Reach out if there is anything else I can do. Great campaign, all success with the project.
You were not stupid to phone the police. You told them the truth. Ideally, you should not have lied to them to keep them from arresting someone who threatened you, whether the threat was plausible or not. Their job is to assess the situation and determine whether the threat was plausible. The fact that you lied to them to protect your abuser is not uncommon, but lying diminishes your credibility.
There is a phone app that will passively record your life, overwriting everything you don't choose to save. You can read about it here: http://www.techrepublic.com/article/an-app-that-passively-records-your-life-so-you-always-have-a-witness/ If you have a smartphone, you can get it here: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.discoveralibi.alibi It might be a useful tool to protect yourself if it is legal in the UK. If you don't have a smartphone, you might consider other alternatives for documenting interactions. If she threatens you again, you may be able to get a protective order, especially if you have a recording of the threat. I am not familiar with laws in the UK, but you should be able to find information about the protective order process online or at your local courthouse.
You are not being oversensitive. You may not feel like a victim, but you are a victim of abuse whether you feel that way or not. Many victims of abuse feel that the abuser's actions are normal solely because abuse is normal within the confines of their relationship. Abuse, whether physical, verbal, or emotional, is not normal.
Please don't lie to the police to protect your abuser. She doesn't deserve it.