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7 cups
The most popular reviews in /r/AsianParentStories:
”According to a recent Gallup poll, more than 70% of Americans have a strong distaste in their career or dread going to work on Mondays”. - Ken Coleman
By no means, you're not the only one. From that quote, many Americans in this country have no clue if they're doing work that matters.
For my story, I was in a similar boat as you however I'm Asian. You have the right to do what you want, your destiny is in your hands, you must shape it to be great. Sure, you can listen to your parents and they'll choose a career for you. At what cost, though? They claim to "always" be right, but we're humans, and humans are imperfect. They may be right, but you're the one who can make the call.
If you're in a career at this moment, start your hobby or passion as a side hustle. There are so many things to do in this world, you just need to know how to execute it into a way you love. Keeping your old career can be fine if you can maintain a balance of your side hustle. Once your side hustle takes off, you can quit your toxic job and continue on that dream.
That quote from the top is a national speaker and radio host who helps people find their dream job and their sweet spot in life. This comment strays away from my other comments about AP'S. However, I'm all about helping someone making sure they live like no one else, so later they can live and give like no one else.
I'll give you a link to this guy's book, "The Proximity Principle". Has helped me tremendously career wise and also a good motivator into getting the job I want.
Link: https://www.amazon.com/Proximity-Principle-Proven-Strategy-Career/dp/0978562038
Also a link for his podcast if you listen to podcasts these days. From other people that are in similar situations as you. Find it on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to podcasts (Ex: Spotify).
Link 2: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-ken-coleman-show/id1274217512
I'm pretty sure I have almost every Chinese/SE Asian oil in existence somewhere in the family home. But, I swear by Tiger Balm and Siang Pure Oil for all my problems (problems = stomach aches, cramps, bruises, head aches) but ofc with western meds.
I've described MeetUp.com to other people as Tinder, but for friends. You might have to slog through a lot of small talk before you make any meaningful connections, but keep at it long enough and you'll meet some people that you can hang out with outside of the meetup.
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I look for meetups that focus on a specific activity that I'm interested in. I've made some friends/acquaintances by going to board game meetups or arts/crafts meetups. Don't feel like you have to put yourself out there all at once when you show up. Feel free to take your time to feel people out and chime in on conversations when you feel comfortable.
$20 - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0002YUX8I/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glt_fabc_CY5EBENHN55QC3QJPDN6
As a dad, my 3 year old started asking for privacy going potty sometimes. I give it to her. Even though she still needs help with her wiping and pants afterwards. Even though she's not strong enough to pull the flusher. I wait until she opens the door.
https://www.trustpilot.com/review/phonydiploma.com
Doesn't seem like a scam.
But the consequences are that your parents might be able to hold it over you and threaten to go to the police for this.
Do you have any way of recording their conversations where they are telling you that if you don't have a degree, they're going to marry you off?
So that even if you face legal consequences, you're able to give some justification for this issue.
I'm no expert on law, neither have I studied it, but if they report you, it'll be covered under civil law, not criminal law.
Which means you probably won't face things like going to jail, but you may have to pay a fine or something, plus you can then bring the evidence that they threatened you into consideration.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Civil_procedure
You'll have to do the research though.
I also struggle a lot trying to understand weather or not this is just cultural or this is just flat out abusive. I think some behaviours are clearly abusive and some are more typical within a cultural context, and the mix of both is what makes asian parents unique. My parents have A LOT of siblings and I have seen enough of asian family dynamic to know that the cultural accepted norm for parenting is often higher than what we witness on this subreddit.
For example, fat shaming and objectification of women are socially acceptable for my particular asian culture. We can argue that our parents did not have ill intent when they call us fat or expect chastity for their daughters. Growing up in the West, both hurts us badly and some would argue that sexism is just wrong. The damage is real, regardless of intent.
Here is the interesting thing though. I am in therapy to deal with issues caused by being raised by a narcissist mother, even though my father was the more abusive one. I categorize my father as the typical asian parent, while I find my mother's behaviours inexcusable in the context of culture, even though she rarely hit me. Here is a working chart I was working on earlier in my road to recovery. Maybe it can help you. maybe you can add to it too. https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B4EdFOyKonJCdTh2ZnZ2SEhVOG8/edit?usp=sharing
Disclaimer: Not saying asian parents are predisposed of being narcissists. There are a lot of mental disorders out there.
You are a very intelligent, mature, and well put together person. I have no doubt you will do really well in your life and find peace and happiness once you gain your independence. Things will get better very soon, just hang on and try to ignore them and what they say. When they say something hurtful just remember that they are two very broken crazy people and what they are doing are wrong and what they say about you are wrong.
From your description, your mother's issue definitely go beyond just being asian. Please check out /r/raisedbynarcissist for extra support. Also, check this chart out to see if it applies to you.
I'm a big fan of tea for parents. If they are tea drinkers. It speaks to your culture, it stays forever, something they can use everyday.
Definitely want to get something nice though. Loose leaf, new crop. Not everyone is a fan of Pu er. I would go with a nice oolong or greentea. Taiwan high mountain tea is excellent 高山茶. It's really sweet and mild. Prices are around $30, a little more expensive for prize winning teas, etc. You can find a bunch of listings on amazon
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0035VJE9E/ref=cm_sw_r_awd_GRsxwbDWPJZTF
Plus they come vacuum sealed in really lovely tins.
Good Luck!
YASSSSS I really think things will turn around when they want to meet their grandchild... Just silly that it might take that long, unfortunately.
Thank you so much for the book recommendations! I'm totally gonna look into those! I'd highly recommend The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr. Burns if you haven't heard of it. It's a workbook (you write in it and there are exercises). It helped me to recognize my patterns of self-defeat and helped me to be a more assertive communicator. I recommend it to everyone for anything and everything
I would read this - 💯 helpful!
Narcissistic Mothers: How to Handle a Narcissistic Parent and Recover from CPTSD (Adult Children of Narcissists Recovery) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1695206681/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_FTP3AES6P13RRM7WTQ1H
A lot of people are recommending excercise and vitamins. I don't doubt it helps but it sounds like you probably have negative thinking patterns that won't solve.
I didn't want to go to a counselor either for cost and whatnot. What I did/am doing is reading and filling out cbt (cognitive behavioral therapy) workbooks.
I find that just reading a book doesn't help you absorb a book much but doing activities/worksheets does. Some parts seem extra interactive since they tell you to try to respond to a situation then tell you how it should have went ideally afterward.
The idea is that most negative thoughts are based on distorted thinking like "all or nothing" aka if I didn't do it perfectly I failed, etc.
I'm going to recommend The Feeling Good Handbook and Mind Over Mood.
If you want to save money, I think the regular version of Feeling Good tells you how to make the worksheets, just doesn't have them in it.
also very late, but i got my dad this snack tray in green last Christmas and it's one of the few gifts i've given him that i still see very consistent use of! it's cheap enough to fit into most gift budgets but good enough quality to have held up nearly a year without any trouble :D
Same sort of thing with me. She was 13-14 and I needed to install network cable in her room. Pulled out her bed and a Squiggle Wiggle Writer fell out onto the floor. With the on/off switch lovingly taped so it would stay on. Put it back, never said a word.
Install one of those chain lock. Now you can talk with a half open door and she won't be able to barge in.
hi my AM did this when i was younger. even though i've now graduated college and moved out, i still have trouble writing personal things down by hand in a journal/bullet journal even though i want to explore bullet journaling :( right now i've been really liking the site Notion (https://www.notion.so/) because i can organize my work/personal notes but also make them colorful and creative. i hope in the future i feel more comfy to write in a bullet journal. maybe try Notion and make a journal page, so that your journal is digital and not on paper?
I suggest buying this book https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703
There's nothing you can do until you move out. She's going to keep going until she gets you to do what she wants. She sounds unhinged.
That's plain abuse. Blaming your children for your own adult choices and decisions in life. She could've worked too. She chose not to, then blames you for her choice. Not very mature. Have you read books like these? https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703
Totally agreed.
Here's a book I'd like to recommend for this purpose:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B007N6HSR2/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
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Specifically, the chapter where it says "Your parents don't want what's best for you. They want what's good for you."
It completely changed the way I understand my immigrant Asian parents, although that doesn't excuse my evil father's abuse.
Many parents are generally incapable of considering multiple possibilities or using casework (i.e. [this](https://brilliant.org/wiki/casework/)).
A reasonable person would say "the situation might be A or B or C. I don't know which one it is. So let me do what needs to be done for case A, and what needs to be done for case B, and what needs to be done for case C, because at the moment none of them can be ruled out"
But these parents would say "the situation is A or B or C. Based on my wisdom, it's most likely B. Therefore it *is* B. I know it's B because I'm wise. We will do what needs to be done for B", and if you plan for case A they get angry that you're not respecting their wisdom.
Many AP's are generally incapable of considering multiple possibilities or using casework (i.e. this).
A reasonable person would say "the situation might be A or B or C. I don't know which one it is. So let me do what needs to be done for case A, and what needs to be done for case B, and what needs to be done for case C, because at the moment none of them can be ruled out"
But many AP's would say "the situation is A or B or C. Based on my wisdom, it's most likely B. Therefore it is B. I know it's B because I'm wise. We will do what needs to be done for B", and if you plan for case A they get angry that you're not respecting their wisdom.
I'm not much of an emotional help person, but I would like you to know that I hope you're able to get to a situation where you can be free of having to worry about these things. You are not a failure, you're worth it, you're not a waste of money. You may not know it but I'm giving you an internet hug rn (:
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You mentioned she changed the Netflix password... I *can* help with that. If you're into cartoons or anime, wcostream.com is pretty good. If you are into other stuff, I advise you to never to go to thepiratebay.org because they will definitely not have what you're not looking for (also not technically legal or ethical, but "illegal downloads" go unpunished in pretty much every country ever).
I am sorry you have to deal with this. I strongly relate to your feelings of anxiety and sadness, when your upbringing seemed to have everything you would need (education, food, shelter, family) I recommend this book, as it has helped me immensely:
https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703
Extra bits/edit: Here is a document that restates what I said before, and has some more “organized” information and thought processes.
https://cryptpad.fr/pad/#/2/pad/view/DyjCgYkaStDToNb1hiEb3hipB4PMRpttvskKYmaeJic
Sorry about the mess of dead links, I still need to clean and organize the documents.
If you have an
These documents contain information on the Notes app with iOS/OPSEC. The first document is the template/structure the second document is based off of. The second document contains instructions on how to hide information within notes.
OPSEC document: https://cryptpad.fr/pad/#/2/pad/view/iUuLui8Sju9IFL19lbcHGZxJBOVfue1qSwYzG9z80j4/
Notes app: https://cryptpad.fr/pad/#/2/pad/view/Vp3vMaFa0iU4AxoAHZN63kuJysQV+L4j-AEE-mQwH0s/
If you don’t have an iPhone, you can try a password-protected cloud service like Sync.
If you have erasable pens, you can use a hair dryer to erase the ink, and put it in a refrigerator to bring it back.
Sorry you have to go through this OP. I never physically wrote any emotions down that I didn’t immediately destroy. I can’t imagine what it’s like having your parents go through your stuff, that is awful. Maybe you can try writing things down, then shred it/flush it down the toilet; it helps when you’re dealing with multiple stressful things at one time.
If you wrote your notebook in regular pen; you can blur the ink with some form of alcohol, or hand sanitizer.
Again, so sorry you have to go through this OP; hope you feel better!
Actually, sorry to keep bombarding you; I wrote a few things. I unfortunately haven’t written anything on getting around location tracking on Android; I haven’t started on Android yet. These two documents pertain to circumventing location tracking on iOS, and stalking in general.
Here you go!
iOS; location tracking: https://cryptpad.fr/pad/#/2/pad/view/S8UwOusesfuA7tU3MIct--wTwSoB378EwY6yVnkLCsA/
Stalking prevention: https://cryptpad.fr/pad/#/2/pad/view/kghmS19go6njop4NnVYbUuSNOsX+SRJKQrV1fa4rC4c/
"My mother has called me a disappointment and a failure so many times in these past couple weeks. She told me I was no longer her daughter"
Yeah this is super toxic. It's on the list of top ten things never to say to your children. You need to let go of trying to please your parents and trying to make them happy. They are trying to control your life and your profession. At some point parents need to have their kids fly out of the nest. That's the natural progression of life. It's not your problem they can't handle this natural progression billions of people do every day. I suggest this book https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436 and googling the term "enmeshment"
You're right, no matter what you do even cure cancer they will never be happy so why even try. I just stopped caring. This book helped me a lot. https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436
I'm so sorry you're going through this. A fellow Indian here, and its safe to say lice are definitely something you take seriously. I live in an highly developed urban area and we don't take lice well almost anywhere in the country nowadays.
A tip that could be helpful:
have you seen that comb that's super thin and has its teeth really close together? Taking into account that you're Indian (eventhough immigrated) you've probably at least heard about it. I'll insert link (hope you find this in America) here. Its pretty DIY (the process I mean). You have to comb really hard with it and and do it eith very little oil already applied, so the comb doesn't scratch your scalp and apply oil (just a tiny bit, only on your scalp) after every comb, because it gets dryer. Keep doing it for a couple of days. From your description, I think it may take you 4 to 5 days to about a week to get rid of those nasty bitches. Also, when you remove them, press them into the table or the ground with your fingernail till you here a tick which means they have RIPed. Don't let them live. And after you've removed them, you can go see a derma for scalp treatment and meds.
Hope this helps. Let me know if you need any more help with the process.
My mom says since I play Krunker.io and also have belly no one will ever love me and that i should get in shape and its going to effect mw when I grow up and sometimes i cry and when I get a bad grade they hit me with a broom stick.
Even though I'm not a fan of 7cups' counseling services, the group chat, forums, self-help guides, and information about support systems are pretty helpful. https://www.7cups.com/member/ Maybe it can help your conceptualization process. I'm glad you're doing this though!
https://www.amazon.com/TUNAI-Button-Media-Remote-Control/dp/B07JQ8Q6X6
Link something like this to your handphone, figure out how to activate recording when your mom goes on one of her rampages.
You have to look further into this though, I don’t have this device and I’ve never tried it. Plus there might be laws in your state forbidding sharing of recordings without consent.
Read this book:
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma
https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748
Greatest book for understanding your responses to family issues.
I really relate to this empty shell feeling. I felt like that for the longest time. Like I was alive but not living, you know?
I realised I didn't have anything I genuinely loved doing like a die-hard hobby and alot of my hobbies were ways to escape rather than enjoy because I loved them.
OP, if you can and want to, read this book it literally saved me a few months ago, and I spent weeks processing things in my childhood, I'd never took notice to.
To add to this, her second book, Lindsay Gibson - Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents is also a great addition.
The first one literally changed my life. So many things, I couldn't explain in my life were elaborated in that book. It was a godsend.
https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407
I would warn though, it could be difficult to get through - I couldn't finish it because the experiences just hit too close to home
changed my mind lol I'll buy one from link I've posted and also this
so they can massage different part of their bodies at home. Buying 2 would be nice so my father could use one while driving but he doesn't get much sleep so getting too relaxed with this while driving seems a bit dangerous.
So far, I’ve found Dan Neuharth’s “If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Take Your Place in the World” to be pretty useful. I got the Kindle version on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/If-You-Had-Controlling-Parents/dp/0060929324/ref=nodl_
Here is the amazon page: https://www.amazon.com/When-Virona-Corona-Came-Town/dp/B088VSTSY3
I left a review and a picture of the coronavirus speaking Chinese.
I’m not a specialist, but what you’ve shared feels like a very understandable reaction to what you’ve survived. Hang in there!
I’ve found this book to be really helpful in this leg of my journey—hope you might find it to be illuminating:
Really gives some clarity and comparison
This is a lot more common than you might think, including outside of Asian families. r/cptsd was a massive help to me in figuring out my issues, I hope it can help you too. (C (complex) PTSD differs from regular PTSD in that it is instilled over an extended period of time, especially (but not exclusively) a formative one like childhood. Abusive adult relationships can cause cptsd but it seems slightly less common than parents causing it during childhood.)
One of the therapeutic treatments for cptsd is DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy), basically distress tolerance training. The DBT Workbook that was used by the therapists leading the DBT therapy group I attended is available on Amazon at 13.59usd, and I spotted a digital PDF version on ebay at the moment for 3.99usd.
Of course I must recommend getting into general therapy, and learning about your other options for specific types of therapy. DBT is just one piece of the healing puzzle, (another one to try is EMDR) but if you can't access general therapy or face a long wait for access, the book is a great start.
You might want to check out one of those temporary filling kits in the meantime if your cavities are painful or sensitive. Poor oral health may have links to other health conditions, so it's good that you're taking it seriously! Has your dad never had a cavity before?? I'm pretty sure eating spicy food just makes it hurt more.
I was actually just talking to my sibling today about whether or not we got all of our vaccines. Our mom definitely believes that vaccines can cause autism, and I'm really grateful that we were all grown before the antivaxx movement gained more traction cuz that stupid shit is seriously spreading.
Also I don't know if your dad wasn't aware of these resources or how tight on money you guys were, but there are usually dental schools who are available for a cheaper fee in exchange for giving their students more practice. That's what I did when I didn't have insurance.
First, super proud of you for starting your own business in something you love doing. I write for fun, I try to do Stephen King's recommended 1000 words a day at a cafe after work (the best part of my work day). Have you read his book "On Writing"? I find my best ideas come on when I'm exercising...like my body is on autopilot and just counting reps and my mind is just scribbling ideas. By the time I get to the cafe I've got so much to put on paper.
I was in pretty bad shape less than a year ago and someone who tried to help me recommended Self-Esteem: a proven program of cognitive techniques for assessing, improving, and maintaining your self-esteem by Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning. Although not specifically targeted towards Asians, I was raised by strict Asian parents and personally found it pretty useful in trying to understand and mediate my parents' negative impact on how I perceive myself, my thoughts and actions.