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I would lay low for six months anyway, because he’s going to go apeshit anyway, and he’s looking for an excuse. Someone who wants to make your divorce hard (which I can already tell he will do regardless) can make your life miserable (remember the couple splitting up beanie babies? It’s ridiculous and unfair, but the goal now is to just make him go away, as quickly and cheaply as possible.

chumplady.com

and she has a book on amazon "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life"

> He was unfaithful, mean, and an alcoholic

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Wonder how that's going to work out for his AP long term?

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And it's going to get harder as his affair gets more and more exposed. It's going to self expose in his case.

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You can engage in meetup.com - but your social life is your responsibility and fixing it requires "doing something" - not sitting back, so for you, I hope you can step up to that. Having a spouse leave with an AP is horrible and you've really got to compensate to stay out of a miserable place.

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I hope you've got a plan around the kids. One sided 100% custody is highly unusual.

Most people looking to date or find friends through an app, have probably been through something recently and most likely are feeling broken some. This is why they, like you are, turning to these apps to find others to talk to.

If you want something that may have a little less of that feel, you could try doing some of the meetups from meetup.com. I have found that it can be nice meeting people through here because it's usually focused on a set topic or activity. This way you can meet people that are interested in something that you are as well, and they are just looking for others that they can share their interest with.

It's all perspective. My ex never stopped seeing her AP (who was also married with kids). The only difference was that I eventually figured it out and it was in the open. Once it was out she didn't feel the need to sneak around anymore and just got dolled up and left me and the kids until she got back at 3am. Once she moved out and it wasn't in my face it was much better.

One thing that helped me was that I was part of several social running clubs and I had people to talk to as well as an outlet for my stress and feelings. I would recommend checking out meetup.com and look for things you can do in the area to meet people. At one of them I eventually met my new fiance. I wasn't expecting to meet someone, it just happened.

Yes he's going to chat with friend like nothing happened because it makes him look really bad. I ran into one of my exes good friends about a month after it went down and she had no idea. I mean how do you tell people I decided to leave my husband/wife for another person?

It sucks but when you find someone that is a better match you'll be grateful for it. I'm happier now but still resentful about how I was treated but I don't let it affect my life. Lets face the bar is low to improve upon unfaithful, mean and alcoholic!

Before you do anything rash, I would go to your doctor and get checked out for Postpartum Depression WebMD link whose symptoms can take a while to manifest. It hasn't really been that long since you gave birth 9 months ago.

Yikes....kicking off the dating process when you're "desperately lonely" is not a good idea. Dating is a crazy experience and you need to really be healed/ready to handle the interesting characters that OLD throws at you.

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Have you heard of meetup.com? Look for some meetups in your area and start exploring them. There you will find friends and people who aren't looking to gain something from the relationship you might form.

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You will know you are ready to date when you're no longer desperately lonely, but happy with your new life and know what you need in a partner to keep it going. Good luck!

You know what the problem is - that's part of it.

It's called clawing your way back into a non-co-depenedent social circle.

What are your interests / hobbies?

Try meetup.com - you have to MAKE yourself go and meet new people.

I am sorry to here that. I am suspicious that my husband is flirting and I wanna know the truth. Which keylogger did you use? I just downloaded Micro keylogger from cnet. I have to pay for it. http://download.cnet.com/Micro-Keylogger/3000-2162_4-75375292.html

meetup.com - Austin has a pretty significant set of these.

Counseling is good.

She needs to find a hobby / interest and actually get out and DO. Getting out, even if she has to make herself, is the most important part.

There is a Divorce Recovery group, but it's very Christian based. If that's a good fit for her, go for it. If not, meetup might be better.

I second the "good for you" part.

Have you considered joining a support group, or a Single Moms group? I've found a couple on MeetUp.com and I just need to get my ass to a meeting/meet up. Having friends in the same position is going to be helpful, methinks.

Go do stuff with people. I was going out by myself, and that was ok, but it got so hard seeing cute couples everywhere. But I've gotten really active with meetup.com recently. It's just nice to do stuff with people who also need people to do stuff with.

I was fooled by my ex. He presented a version of himself that didn’t exist. After we gave up on marriage counseling, I met with the counselor by myself who told me my ex is definitely a narcissist. He suggested the book below to me, and I think this would help you understand the dynamics in your marriage as well:

The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us https://smile.amazon.com/dp/1936128314/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_V7ENTAM5BW49V7XJ6R0G?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1

I'm in the same boat. My wife also made the mediation appointment today. There's nothing you and I can really do other than state the desire to see a counselor and work things out. It was like a gut punch having her say that she feels all options have been exhausted. At the same time, it's a bit liberating to not be in limbo in my mind.

I highly recommend this book. It has helped me reframe my mindset on the separation and divorce. I'm hurting a lot, but trying to accept the hurt rather than fight and bargain with someone that isn't interested at all.

Look into mindfulness meditation. There's nothing "woo-woo" about it. At it's core, it's about helping you live in the now rather than the past or the future.

There are phone apps like Calm (which I use). The book I'd recommend is Search Inside Yourself written by one of the first hires at Google. It does a good job of introducing the concepts.

Another great book on mindfulness/meditation is 10% Happier by Dan Harris. http://youtu.be/4sXBEfIXUno

(Edited to add: I read Tolle when Oprah made him big, and I just couldn't access it. Harris' book made me laugh out loud and he broke Tolle's principles down for me in a way I could relate.)

Reading your response made me think about a great article on emotional labor, which women primarily carry and which can add up to a kir of stress. Here's the link, you might find it interesting ... it does some of your points. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/why-women-are-tired-the-p_b_9619732 Good luck to you!

FB's memories does have a feature where you can ask it not to display memories from certain dates. I have already set my anniversary and ex's birthday so that doesn't happen in the future. Article Link

Same here, everyone advises to stay single for 2-5 years and get your head straight. One guy went from sleeping with his wife to sleeping with an additional 34 girls and still felt empty .. I don't know how you could go that wrong with 34 new girls, must of been a fun ride.

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Anyway that's not me, I will let it happen organically or not happen at all. Get your head straight, stay away from apps, your participating in a high risk activity for what. Hit the gym, make friends, get meetup.com and socialize, let it me the right one.

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My wife cheated on me and continues while I am in the house, I ignore it, divorce should be finalized in 6 weeks. Just bought a new house this weekend, and take possession 15th Aug .. I have to stay and tollerate this crap for another 1.5 months which will be difficult .. but I have a future to look forward to and things to keep me busy .. stay strong, keep your values and morals intact, leave without cheating and a clear conscience ...

I'm a 48m wondering about being old and alone too. Can't do anything about old, but have options for alone.

I can't help with the broke part, but I would like to recommend meetup.com for the alone. I recently found it for divorce support but was very pleasantly surprised to find all kinds of local groups for various activities; running, volleyball, cooking, language learning, ... you name it. Some of the groups have membership fees (a volleyball groups asks for $10/year). So that may limit your options.

Good luck.

/r/survivinginfidelity and this sub is a good place to talk.

You need a therapist.

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You can't "work on it" if she's out the door. I like to say it this way... You're trying really hard to clap. You only have one hand. That's the kind of futile we are talking about.

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And you're grieving. The first stage is denial. You're still in that stage.

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My suggestion - and starting here isn't bad:

1) Therapy

2) Divorce or infidelity meet-ups (meetup.com)

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Sounds like you've tried 1-2. Sounds like therapy is a fail, I'd guess because you're not hearing what you want to hear.

Sure, you can pay for a "save your marriage alone" program, but those programs will (typically) teach you to stand up on your own, stop focusing on her, and become the best human that you can.

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I get it as a "romantic". Understand that the romance you seek may still be part of your life in a way that this influences, even if not with her..

Ask to see the tax returns. If he has investments you're not aware of, and they earned interest or if he sold any investments, that should be represented on the return. Our lawyers wanted to see our joint returns from the prior 3 years.

Also I hear a credit report on each of you is a good idea. That way you'll have a decent idea of what kind of debt exists.

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I found my lawyer via a meetup.com divorce support group. I wanted her to be our mediator but he wouldn't agree to meet with or even speak to her (he was avoiding the divorce altogether) so I hired her as my lawyer. I interviewed a few others as well. My ex accused ME of hiding money, millions actually (like really? I was working part time) so I figure maybe lots of spouses do hide money? IDK.

Yes, divorce is a qualifying event for getting new insurance.

> A change in your life that can make you eligible for a Special Enrollment Period to enroll in health coverage. Examples of qualifying life events are moving to a new state, certain changes in your income, and changes in your family size (for example, if you marry, divorce, or have a baby) and gaining membership in a federally recognized tribe or status as an Alaska Native Claims Settlement Act (ANCSA) Corporation shareholder.

Don't automatically dismiss COBRA coverage, by the way. My ex's plan was actually quite comparable to a similar private plan.

FWIW, I wasn't able to activate my new plan until they had a copy of the divorce decree, but my coverage with my ex's employer obviously ended on the date of divorce. This might be different for your plan, but I would have been able to enroll with COBRA up to, I believe, 60 days after the divorce and coverage would be retroactive. I was worried there would be a gap in coverage, but worst case scenario I could have signed up for COBRA after the fact if I'd needed to.

Unfortunately it sounds like it is over, I am going thru the same thing, only if I knew then what I know now and how I felt and what I could have done differently. My wife started sleeping with random strangers on the internet half her age F42. Unfortunately I cannot compete but wasn't smarter enough to catch it before it happened, now it is too late.

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Anyway time heals everything, at least that is what I am hoping for, try keep busy, there are social groups, I joined meetup.com which helps a lot just to be with people, still hard, but having some company helps, exercise, go on hikes, it will get better, it has to. Would love to have a 2nd chance, but that is not in the cards and I think when I eventually meet someone else, I won't make the same mistakes twice or least try not to

Meetup.com

I assume you're divorced or single. There are events for "single parents" of both sexes.

Trust me, I get it being "odd man (woman) out" when doing kid stuff with married adults.

I felt the same as you (male), it could be an ego booster or destroy your ego, depends on how seriously you take it. I went through waves of installing, hating it, uninstalling, reinstalling cause I'm bored/lonely. You could give it a shot and see how you feel about online dating.

Personally I regret even trying because I still have a lot to work on I feel like I'll waste their time, and set myself up for disappointment, which isn't good in my still-fragile mental state.

I recommend meetup.com, join a spin class/gym class, book club, or some kind of social group. Like for example I'm checking out codependency meeting this Saturday; and just go from there in order to get a foot in the door of a social life.

It isn't bad or "whoreish" even after you feel ready, you're an adult that can make decisions on your own and finding the right person will take time and probably multiple partners. It's just the way life is.

Let's note some differences, because words have meaning.

Not all relationships mean marriage. I said most relationships fail. People commonly date a few people before finding someone to marry. This doesn't mean they end ugly or are a huge failure - things just didn't work out.

Second, your figures are off. There was a peak of about 50% of marriages failing, but that number has only decreased over the last 20 years. By and large, the divorce rate is declining.

Third, none of that addresses the larger issue I wanted to address - Don't paint divorcees as failures that love miserable company. You're painting with a very broad brush.

"If somebody wants to walk out of your life, Let. Them. Go." - Madea (aka Tyler Perry)

The entire monologue for Madea's Leaves on a Tree - Friendship is brilliant.

Hi, you don't ever stop loving someone you've loved. But you WILL fall out of love with him. Loving someone and being in love are not the same things.. You can love someone and not be in love with them anymore and I can assure you that you'll get there with time. For now, take care of yourself. Speak to yourself with love and compassion because you need it now more than ever. Remember your worth and don't let anybody make you feel like you are not worthy of everything great.

Let me know if you need to talk or read this blog; https://wordpress.com/view/angiethecoach.com it may make you feel better!

And remember, many people have gone through what you're going through (including me) and it all end up being ok, more than ok. You'll be happy again. I promise!

Haven't tried any dating apps yet but all my friends say for the most part they are geared more towards hooking up/having sex. If you're looking for something more meaningful and to make a connection I'd recommend meetup.com and find a group of like minded individuals. Good luck.

It's very tricky, but I read a book that opened my eyes. The title says it all: Too good to leave, to bad to stay

This book runs through a series of things / red flags that should indicate whether you should stay in the relationship or not.

Definitely read: https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321 (found it much better than therapy, and that book was a lifesaver for many of us)

and https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=splitting+bill+eddy&qid=1622909740&s=books&sr=1-1 (ie: cover your ass)

Good luck, and you may want to look at the r/narcabuseanddivorce

Rebuilding (When Your Relationship Ends)

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1626258244/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_0NEB12R0JZH0J8HJYAYG

This book was amazing. Highly recommend.

I personally also read The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem as well.

Yes, I remember the nightmare feeling well. It gets better. Then another wave of emotion hits and it hurts like it’s day 1 again. But it subsides faster. You’ll deal with grief, anger, rage, fear, all the things. Just read this book, do the work, make some friends (there are subreddits for that), and you’ll be fine in time. Just hang in there. And you’ll be fine on the income front. He’s going to owe you alimony.

You did the right thing, and your dad did the right thing.

Please tell your dad to read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Bill-Eddy-Randi-Kreger-audiobook/dp/B009TKK3YA He can also look into "borderline personality disorder" and "narcissistic personality disorder" to see if it rings a bell.

He's in for a shitty divorce but he'll do it to save you.

Shame is a terrible thing. Counseling helped me so much.

Healing the Shame That Binds You was a good book, it just took a lot to wade through because of all the religious bullshit. It was still worth the read, I just did a quick read through and marked out all the God/Goddess crap and then reread for content. It will cut the book in 1/2 but I do feel it's got some seriously valuable stuff in there. My counselor suggested it based on my toxic shame, I think it helped me a bunch (of course therapy did too in conjunction).

Not all therapists are good either (my first wife had a PhD in Psychology, her cohort wasn't impressive, she was but she was evil, lol, no affect at all). You don't have to stay with the first or any of them if you're not making progress.

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way. Lord knows, most of us have been in your shoes. I found help in reading books. Seemed like a stupid suggestion from a friend, but there are alot of self-help books out there. One in particular really seemed to resonate with me, and i recovered faster because of it. I'll hotlink it below but it or another one like it might be worth a read. You can get cheap used editions usually too.

Amazon

Yes! My rings were very heavy, so it felt weird to have nothing there. I got myself a cheap little rolling ring that is fun to fidget with.

This is the best time for you to change your life. Read "The Power of Habit." Periods of life change can transform you. Join a gym, John a few meet ups, take a class at your local community college, be better. You can do it!

For exercise, I go with classic rock or metal. For long walks, I like listening to podcasts or books on tape. Although I am not a Buddhist, nor religious at all, I found "The Miracle of Mindfulness: An Introduction to the Practice of Meditation (Unabridged)" to be very useful for training myself to find joy in daily life even when dealing with pain. It also discusses attachment, suffering and how being mindful of these things can help you overcome them. Good narrator too. Good luck.

Yeah I was the same way: any gesture of affection from her, no matter how small, meant the world to me. And I also did everything I could think of to be the perfect husband and father. Eventually I realized that was a battle I would not win. I'm not perfect, and that's fine and wasn't the problem.

Hang in there. It sounds like you're on the right path.

A couple of books that helped me a lot are No More Mr Nice Guy (by Robert Glover) and Search Inside Yourself (by Chade-Meng Tan).

I'm a year into my slump. So far, I've only met women out for one thing; I shouldn't complain, physical affection is gratifying. It's just sad to me that what I view as commitment or a desire to be together with someone long term seems nothing more than some kind of anachronistic fantasy. Maybe I just haven't met the right person.

I think you might benefit from talking to someone. It's helped me, some. The pain is still pretty raw and I still haven't been able to reach full acceptance but it helps to have someone challenge the pessimism to which I'm prone.

I like the road trip idea. If you haven't, you should read Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. It's good stuff and might give you some comfort.

At any rate, good luck. I hope reaching out here will give you some relief.

> He, of course, apologized, professed his love and asked me to go to therapy with an open mind and heart. I was honest and told him I will go to therapy but no promises.

​ This sub, survivinginfidlity sub, and chump lady are NOT pro-reconciliation and are not balanced. If you want to consider reconciliation, I'd have you take a look at: https://www.youtube.com/c/AffairrecoveryLLC/videos

(note, this is a FOR PROFIT business and a program I've been through)

If this is "repeat" behavior chances are "not good". I can tell you to stop putting any value in words and only value action / in-action.

There's a good book your spouse should read. If he's willing to get it and read it, that's good... If he's like mine and gets it but decides he can't read it, well, I'll tell you how that ends up:

https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

"Oh shit mode" - I'm familiar with that. It wears off. You WILL struggle. If not now, then soon. This is your decision to make. You do not have to make it today.

This book helped me find clarity around a similar question (‘AITA if I leave because he has a trait he can’t or won’t change)… https://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350/ref=asc_df_0452275350_nodl?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312674999652&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=4426187946557900406&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&...

First, with respect to scheduling, consider getting one of these and hanging it up in the kitchen or somewhere central. Then, instead of conversation about schedules, just make sure you keep it up to date with stuff you know and check it twice daily to look for entries he adds.

https://www.amazon.com/Sandra-Boyntons-Calendar-17-Month-2022-2023/dp/1524874876

We've been using this calendar as a family for a couple decades now. Sure, picture calendars are nice, but having a column for each person in the house is even nicer... :-)

And then, if you do go with this idea, conversations can be kept down to "It's on the calendar".

You are so early in your process. But I promise you--I promise you--you will get through this. There will be so much pain, so much confusion. But eventually, if you do your work, you will come to understand that pain is the sensation of your body healing itself.

Hugs, little sister. Be patient with yourself. Start, maybe, with The Power of Now. Or maybe Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends on It.

Read my post history. See that if I survived you can too.

Hugs.

Look, I agree, finance and financial burdens should be shared in a marriage. Also, opening a jar is something he should do. (FYI, there are kitchen tools you can get to open jars e.g.)

But I have to draw the line at killing spiders for you. You should be just as capable as him of doing this. Don't give in to learned helplessness. (And I agree with /u/liladvicebunny you should set it free.)

You do deserve better, but you also need to stand on your own two feet.

Read this book first before making any decisions: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship. The decision to divorce was made by my STBX. I wish I read this book ahead of time as I could have recognized reasons I should have left.

Man here. Above average income. Fit. Did a lot of online dating.

You're very disadvantaged when "separated". Very disadvantaged.

Divorced is much better, a little handicap being within a year of divorce.

That being said, online dating is hard for men. Women get a lot of attention (or none) and it's normal for women to have 10 guys after them. So you're doing well if 1:10 responds and you managed to move that forward. Not unusual.

Meetup.com has more organic singles stuff - a little less pressure, but you can't pick and choose.

They say it takes like 14 solid dates to find someone compatible. I found that once you get past that initial "contact" barrier - women in their 30s and 40s appreciate men that "aren't crazy" and have their stuff together. Like it's hard to find. But initially, they're inundated.

After a slow start - I had a lot of women that I could continue to date - in parallel, if I wanted... Course, that doesn't last forever before one of them slaps you around (or won't put up with such anymore).

Part of it - to me - is changing your social circle. You'll find social circles of women your age that are single. And it's EASY to date in them, but you have to find them. To me, this is an activity like going to the gym - you work at it and make effort. The pay off is long term...

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But then you find the one you want to date exclusively, and you'll have to back yourself out... :-)

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Hang in there. You didn't think you'd be here doing this again, so enjoy it. You may not have another chance to experience it.

It's like being in a hole and you have to dig out.

Therapy is a start.

You can do support groups or meetup.com groups

Then you have to do for you - a lot of us hit the gym, start a hobby - even if we don't want to simply because we don't want to sit and do nothing... .

I call this "pull yourself up by the pants" - it takes a bit of time, but mostly it's about doing things that are uncomfortable around others.

Meetup.com, hobbies, things like that. But "do it" is the first step.

Make a contract with yourself to try something new every month. Set a monthly reminder in your calendar and look out for opportunities to do something you have never done before by the end of the month. You can find them on meetup.com or on local Facebook groups.

What were your interests when you were a teenager? Pick that up again.

You could join a self-defence class, take a trial course in pole dancing, go on a weekend city trip or go skydiving. Force yourself to go out by yourself on a Friday evening and to sit at a bar for 30 minutes, just to prove to yourself that you are capable to do it. Visit a local exhibition. Take part in a game night. Take a burlesque class just for fun. Join a meetup creativity group. Join a travel group. Celebrate New Year's Eve in an old pub in Dublin.

Be open and try everything at least once. If you like it, you have found a new hobby, and if not, you have at least a story to tell.

An in-process divorce or status of "separated" is a red flag, so expect some disadvantages there. Divorce doesn't have a lot of stigma (IMHO) but divorced 2 days ago might...

Meetup.com has singles events, divorce support groups, social functions not just focused on dating - but it'll put you in the right area people in the same situation.

Dating while divorcing - fraught with peril... Pissing off your spouse can get expensive. That's just the reality of it.

Not a single one? Or single co-worker that you trust?

I get it - most of my friends are/were married. Meetup.com - there is another good non-dating option where you can expand your social circle without dating. It just takes a little self-shove... Lots of "single 30s" events.

If you're a man, your dating pool will be very limited by the "still married / separated" status.

The other risk is that if you start dating, your STBX may find out and get hurt. Hurt people tend to do erratic and expensive things in divorce.

Meetup.com is a good place to "get out" and start meeting people. You should expand your social circle. Just be careful..

I'm in the same boat, although I'm 36. I'm just starting the separation process and I've realized I don't have much of a social life. We moved to a new town for my job a few years ago and I still don't have any friends here. My STBXH is moving back to the city we came from. I have quite a few acquaintances here - parents of my daughter's friends, people from church, etc....but no real friends to hang out with. It's a small town and I can't find anything on meetup.com.

I'm sorry, I have no advice, but I can commiserate.

I discovered meetup.com. It's not dating, it is social groups. I've attended a couple. Be honest about who you are and what you're interested in, and you'll quickly meet people you can hang out with.

"Thinking while drinking" is absolutely genius.

I hope you find several new social circles to run in.

I found divorcecare to be too faith-based (biblical based) for me, but that's just me and I wouldn't poo-poo it if you can't find anything else.

Anything on meetup.com if you don't isolate to just men?

You can also start your own meetup.com group.

> I found it helpful as a 30+ man struggling with my own loneliness after my ex-wife's infidelity.

Been there.. Force yourself out. Meetup.com - you've kinda got to claw your way out of this.

Walk away from this. There is no way to fix it - not with her - not ever.

40? Join meetup.com and start attending divorce and singles events. Do it. There are a ton of women over 40 that will appreciate the shit out of you if you're average looking and have your shit together. Get out of the current relationship.

Odds of kids are still very good, trust me. Don't rule out dating a woman with kids.

Referrals from friends is a good place to start - as you don't have that, you could attend divorce "meetups" (meetup.com) and ask other people.

There are "collaborative" divorce lawyers and lawyers that are family first - IE, the kind that are more likely to attempt mediation or agreed divorce.

And there are sharks who will go along with any request that you might have, no matter how unreasonable.

Narrowing it down to those that work in your county is a good idea. It's unnecessary if you don't litigate, but it's all going to depend on how agreed/collaborative/adversarial this becomes.

It's been a year and a half since my wife left me and I'm still not 100% back to normal. I am a LOT better than I was just a few months out, but I still have more to go. I know that there are things that I could do that would put me in a great happy mood again, but I also know that not taking the time that I really need, to deal with the pain that I have been going through, would just end up making things worse down the road. My trying to hide from that pain by trying to date and find someone else to be with, will just cause me more pain later on.

It will get better. It takes time and your willingness to work on things, but it will get better. One of my biggest problems is being lonely too. Meetup.com has been good for that. You can find all kinds of different activities to do with others. Through that, you could possibly meet others that you can build a friendship with, If not, you still have the group meetups to give yourself a chance to talk with others.

Something else that may be helpful is trying a Divorce Care program. They are usually run through churches, but should you not be a religious person, it is usually easy to self edit out that aspect of it. You can find more info on them at divorcecare.orgThis program gives you a good idea of what to expect when going through this, and life afterward.

Here is some additional advice.

Buy yourself a Voice Activated Recorder. Carry it with you at all times. Load the recordings to a cloud service.

If she ever starts getting hinky pull out your cell phone and start video recording. It doesn't matter if you are in a two-party state. The recording might not be admissible in court, but if she calls the cops on you the recording might be the only thing that keeps you out of jail.

After serving her set up a bedroom for yourself. Guest room or even the basement. If possible put a keyed lock on the door.

Buy some cheap cameras and set them up in your new bedroom. These from Amcrest are good. Make sure you buy some SD cards for them.

Good luck brother.

I think the book Why Does He Does He Do That would be beneficial for you, as it sounds like you may be stuck in a narcissistic abuse cycle. Unfortunately.. people like this rarely change, and it will only get worse as time goes on. Don't go back to what you know won't get better.

Learn how to be happy with yourself before you look to another partner for validation. Manipulative people can sense if we are in a bad place and will use it as leverage.

You can do this!

I'm a Christian, so for me the lonely times are becoming prayer time. I still struggle and end up pacing through my home, but slowly prayer and Bible study are supplanting that (at least while not working, I was way more productive when home and work were separate...). Not sure where you stand religiously, but Carl Jung spoke at length on the need for the mind to believe in something supernatural to heal, springboard for more info, though AA specific

Working until late (on a computer?) is definitely not good sleep hygiene, but unfortunately is unavoidable for many of us. Optimal sleep hygiene includes, as I recall, being off electronics (computer, mobile, TV) for 2 hours before going to bed, and going to bed as soon after sundown and as much before midnight as possible. Very hard to implement it all for many people. There's also stuff about temperature (iirc, a quick hot shower before bed can help drop the core temperature, which is good for sleep) and food intake (timing of meals before bed). And sun exposure too. Just googling will turn up lots of info. Probably too much, actually! Just implement what you can, whaere you can. If you have to be up late on a screen, things like f.lux (https://justgetflux.com/) can help, supposedly. I heard somewhere that every hour of sleep before midnight is worth 2 hours after midnight. Not sure how much truth is in that, but going to bed early may save you more time and allow you your morning workout. Things to consider, anyway.

You chose to give her 10 years. You chose to reproduce with her. Keep that in mind before trying to use your kids as pawns in your divorce.

You have a right to be upset. Degrading the mother of your kids because she lived a lifestyle that you gave her is not going to help you out.

I do hope you heal and get through this as best as possible. As hard as it seems, the sooner you can stop seeing her as your enemy, the easier it will be for you and your kids.

How to love your kids more than you hate your ex

Without knowing more about your situation (and also I'm not a doctor), I can't say this for certain, but have you considered whether she has characteristics of borderline personality disorder?

I Hate You, Don't Leave Me

• splitting: unable to see someone other than all bad or all good, there is no in between; a small or insignificant thing is seen as world ending and intentionally malicious, even if it wasn't.
• risky behavior: sex, drugs, gambling, or spending money in excess.
• lack of empathy: specifically, they are sometimes okay with emotional empathy, being able to feel as others do, but almost always have significant difficulty with cognitive empathy, not understanding the state of mind or the reason behind a person's feelings or actions.

You might be dealing with a narcissist. My ex-husband didn't want to take any responsibility for his actions and lied to friends and family about our divorce.

Regardless, I highly recommend the book Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life.

https://www.amazon.com/Leave-Cheater-Gain-Life-Survival/dp/0762458968?ref_=d6k_applink_bb_dls&dplnkId=e5c46c70-1363-4a4b-8a8f-134b0ecedfd1

This book called Attached has literally been life changing for me (it was recommended to me by my therapist and a recently divorced friend). It explained why I'm attracted to the people I am and essentially pointed out how I make myself suffer in relationships as a person who has "avoidant" tendencies (that's just me personally). Was extremely eye opening and gave me a kind of blueprint on how to improve and take better care of myself.

https://www.amazon.com/Attached-audiobook/dp/B07ZJW6DWR/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=attached+book&qid=1661870595&sprefix=attached%2Caps%2C447&sr=8-1

Having residential custody still requires cooperating with the other parent. Publicly posting immature comics as a way of taking petty jabs against your kids' other parent is not going to help you legally or mentally.

First thing I'd do as opposing counsel is point out that you're disparaging their mother openly before the divorce is even final. If you can't keep your hurt feelings off of social media, you're also likely to share those hurt feelings in front of the kids.

​

>Does this make me look emotionally unstable?

Yes. Grow up. Love your child more than you hate your ex.

It's the one by Robert Glover.

https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339

Read it all the way through. If you need to talk to someone you can always hit me up with a private message. It's a hard thing to go through but totally worth it. When my wife left I was heartbroken, but so much of the rest of what you said reminded me of myself. With time and work, I'm truly happy and thriving in life man. I'm honestly excited for you because of the future you're about to have.

Based on this and the first post, she's already hit the "done" phase. You're still processing the weight of the situation. While this book is written for women, it has some really good advice as to how to process the various stages when a relationship has hit the end, especially the "negotiating' phase.

Yes, learning is the first step. I remember in therapy years ago my therapist explaining I go from one extreme to the other, swinging from men who are really controlling and strict like my dad, then pushing back and going for men who would let me get away with murder, then again craving the structure and safety of being with someone who controls me. I was in my early 20s and at the time thought: Well this is fucking useless. The heart still wants what it wants, I’ll still fall in love with the same people, but now I’ll just be aware that I’m an idiot.

It wasn’t until literally 10 years later when I was taking a good hard look at myself that I had the realization that I don’t actually have to act on all my feelings. I don’t have to suppress them or pretend they’re not there, not I can cope without pursuing. It was a revelation. I was then diagnosed with adhd which was another lightbulb moment for me.

So yes, knowing and doing aren’t the same, and sometimes it’s not easy to connect the (extremely obvious) dots. But knowing sets you on the right course at least.

I’d recommend the book Too soon old, too late smart—30 true things you need to know now. There’s a chapter on taking people at face value based on their actions, rather than who they tell you they are or who you think they can be.

Good luck, friend! Sounds like you’re on the right track.

Do you think it might be related to your subconscious and the shadow?(from some one also working on accepting her shadows), they say if ever in our life, even if we don't remember it, we some how strongly detested some quality and promised to ourselves to never ever ever be "that" person, we are creating our shadow self, and ironically we may find ourselves in situations where we are attracting that quality from ppl we choose to be in our life( crazy,right? ) There is this book that helped me through some similar situation that you might find useful too. spiritual divorce

I picked up The Rust Programming Language book and I've been diving into that. I find enjoyment out of learning new skills.

Yes, absolutely!! I also purchased this workbook to create structure in my healing journey: The Abandonment Recovery... https://www.amazon.com/dp/160868427X?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

It’s helped a ton.

Great advice above.

Also, I’m not sure if this book covers potty training, but it completely changed my parenting. I try to think of it often if I start to find myself reverting to ‘old-school’ techniques. It really talks about the science of a child’s brain, what they capable of understanding developmentally, and how your parenting can best help them understand:

The No-Drama Discipline

https://www.amazon.com/No-Drama-Discipline-Whole-Brain-Nurture-Developing/dp/034554806X/ref=pd_aw_fbt_img_sccl_2/147-6753968-4643153?pd_rd_w=WjzWW&content-id=amzn1.sym.b6e57bf5-2054-445a-8980-1886178987a5&pf_rd_p=b6e57bf5-2054-445a-8980-18...

Does BPD/NPD ring a bell? In which case definitely read that book https://www.amazon.ca/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254

Mediation may just be a waste of money, but worth trying.

Yup. And then good luck with that ex that has a sense of entitlement. I am into year 4, after mediation, court, .. trial is next.

In my case I am divorcing an ex that has BPD/NPD. These divorces are hell. There is even a book to help https://www.amazon.ca/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254

I'm so sorry. A lot of your post is familiar ground and it's so hard to go through.

Can I suggest a book that helped me a LOT? Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. Coming across this book was life-changing for me, just reading the exact scenarios I'd lived through with the author breaking down what was really happening.

I'm really sorry you're in this situation. It's awful when the other partner does that kind of thing in front of the kids - how on earth would that make you want to stay in the marriage?

Yeah, for you and yeah sock day is a sucky day for most and opotite for some lucky few! Cheer up old chap, this too shall pass and trust me a few months down the road once you start working on building back up yourself estem, and do a little insight as to how you contributed to the emotional abuse your ex put you through you will be right as rain! You are still suffering from the traumatized bonding you shared with your ex, with her suicide adulation that she constantly held you hostage with. Stay 100% NC you have no reason to have any comms with her and she is will continue to come back around it's just what she is you were a supply source until you weren't so she will find a new one and when that wears out if she doesn't have another she will reach back to you hence at some point before or later will insist on staying friends. Give a listen to Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life by Margalis Fjelstad so you can be ready if you ever have no choice or run into or someone else with cluster B type personalities.

Marriage is not a 50/50 commitment. You have to give 100% all the time, even when it feels like you're going nowhere. If you are still considering the thought that it could be saved, that's the first step in saving it. I'm not saying that it can be saved, but I am saying that you can and should try. There is no closer like knowing that you either a) saved your marriage through a conscience choice to better yourself, or b) you had a partner that walked away from someone who loved them unconditionally, and there was nothing more that you could have done.

All that being said, I highly recommend counseling. I would also suggest you invite your significant other, and not make it an ultimatum. It definitely takes to, but even if you're the only one putting in effort, they're likely to recognize this, sometimes even unconsciously, and meet you somewhere in the middle.

I highly recommend these two books for anyone who is not in an abusive relationship and question whether they've really done all they could to save their marriage: The Five Love Languages and Hold Me Tight. They both really go hand-in-hand and complement each other well. Hold Me Tight is quite a bit larger of a read (slash listen if you do audiobooks), but it really breaks down the reasoning why arguments happen, and provides realistic ways to approach and mend communication that has broken down.

Good luck, and don't give up.

You can deal with indecisiveness if you know how your mind works. BEING ME BEING FREE explains everything with simple words and pictures. Change your thinking, change your life! Learn more here.

I listened to this on audible: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship https://www.amazon.com/dp/0452275350/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_41D96V4DZ2A06D7QYNPP

And I read about abusive relationships and I knew. Then I started talking to a couple people I cared about and it all of a sudden hit me like a ton of bricks. I was going through some crazy, not normal shit. It was easy to decide then.

This is my recommendation for a starting point for any rocky relationship that isn't abusive. It's a phenomenal book that can really change your life and your relationships. The audiobook is about 9.5ish hours long it you prefer to listen.

I highly recommend that you read "splitting" by Bill Eddy and https://www.amazon.ca/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321

You will unleash hell when she realises that you are leaving but it's worth it and your kid needs a stable home at least part time.

Been there, done that..

A few tips: - Change how you react. Look into emotional validation: https://www.amazon.ca/Power-Validation-Addiction-Out-Control/dp/1608820335 and use that. ie: "how does that make you feel when mom says stuff like that?" - Start covering your ass.. record and document because it smells like this could turn nasty..

A lot of people find ways to distract themselves and count the activity as unwind.

I think unwind is releasing the stress from your mind and your body is considered unwinding. Relaxing the muscles because they're so wound up. Meditation to release tension of the muscle of the mind. . Stretching to release the body muscles.

Meditation just means breathing exercises. Letting the thoughts come and go without judging it's good or bad.

Easier said than done.

I find this guided breathing app helpful as a starting point. https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.abdula.pranabreath.

Nothing wrong with distracting yourself though with games and other activities.

>Can I still salvage my marriage?

I hate to break it to you - but your marriage was over, the second she decided to be dishonest with you.

Marriage is a two way street. You can't sustain it by yourself. Yes - you love her. But she has to at the very least reciprocate that love as well as respect for you and your relationship, back. She also has to show complete remorse for what she did.

And more importantly - you have to value and respect yourself. I had the same thoughts you did - but I remember thinking, "how can I be happy with someone who doesnt give a crap about me?". Leaving my ex was the best decision I made.

Do read this book, and visit this website. It will give you a lot of helpful insight.

Welcome to reality! But also, stop blaming yourself. You already know what you did, so continuing to put yourself down isn't going to help. You've identified the problem, and the solution is simple: you. Your own negative thoughts will do nothing but hold you back. It's okay to feel bad and have those thoughts, but you are the one who decides to give those thoughts weight or meaning. I'd recommend you go Unfu*k Yourself and start today. You can't feel better unless you put in the work. It's not going to be easy, and there will be times when you just want to give up, completely unmotivated, but it's a choice. Read that book and you'll understand.

I suggest finding a therapist, and getting some books on the subject of emotional abuse. I recommend

Recovery from Gaslighting &... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09HPGQTXX?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

And

Becoming the Narcissist's... https://www.amazon.com/dp/152370246X?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

These will help light the fire inside of you to get out!

I recommend this book :). It’s about learning to find home within you vs the other person. Welcome Home: A Guide to Building a Home for Your Soul https://www.amazon.com/dp/0593231759/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_184CSH5W3NKMAJV1EH9M

Those are very real concerns, and I think it's disgusting that so many women/partners of LEO have to consider that in making any moves.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0994861761/ref=ox_sc_act_title_1?smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER&psc=1

Maybe consider preemptively reaching out anonymously to a domestic violence helpline for tips on how to preemptively protect yourself from... well.. anything that comes up in the future with this guy.

Because marrying for love is modern day capitalist bullshit. The nuclear family and "finding your soul mate" is bullshit.

https://www.amazon.com/Marriage-History-How-Love-Conquered/dp/014303667X
A great book on the history of marriage that will open your eyes.

When my divorce was solidified, I was googling for advice. I found a list of 100 things to do right away after separating. The first thing was: get a great bed.

I got a fucking legit awesome mid century modern frame off CL, a new mattress, 2 sets of flannel sheets, a rad comforter, and these pillows (Soft Tex International Set of 2 White Hypoallergenic Memory Foam and Fiber Fill Jumbo Size Dual Comfort Bed Pillows with Removable Cover 26.5" https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08D6SYWR2/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_i_52RSX14GQS4R95PP02WG)

I spend a lot of time just lounging with library books and meditations, Reddit and beers, pjs and naked, journaling and planning and thinking. It’s my absolute most awesome safe retreat space and I love it here. 10/10 would do again and also live half the rest of my life happy in bed.

Infidelity comes with triggers. And the biggest trigger will always be the person who betrayed you.

The Body Keeps The Score had been helpful for friends who have experienced infidelity. It's helped them process the trauma. Even if they didn't recognise it as trauma before reading the book.

I did want to note, I stumbled on the different types of commitment in Patricia Love's book, The Truth About Love.

I don't agree with everything she writes about, but overall, I could relate to the stages of love and the theory behind it all. But again, I don't agree with everything she says.

How thoughtful. The affair partner went out and bought art supplies so that your son could make her valentines. We both know that your Ex didn't think of it. Do you suppose that she might have been concerned that otherwise your Ex would forget about Valentine's Day? Or that otherwise, there wasn't a snowball's chance in hell your son would give her a valentine, so she wouldn't be able to play happy family on Facebook unless she personally bought the materials and supervised the project.

Really, this is kind of pathetic. I suggest responding in kind with a similarly thoughtful addition to your son's wardrobe for exchange days. This one: https://www.amazon.com/Theres-only-one-BEST-MOM/dp/B08CCMZ2HD?customId=B07535YC9M&th=1 Actually, I'm more of a bitch than that. I would save it for school picture day.

Just to add to this, a couple of good reads that address the exact things op is talking about:

• His Needs, Her Needs
• Hold Me Tight

I would think you were my ex-husband except that I know he already made most of his purchases. One of the things I know he did when buying furniture recently was to walk into the store and say “Show me what you can get me quickly”. There are such huge delays in getting so many consumer goods that he just picked whatever was available for immediately delivery.

These are honest to god my favorite sheets. I have them on every bed in the house. Some sets are years old. They don’t pill at all. I came real close to treating myself to a $200 set of cotton sheets recently but ordered some pillow shams first to see if the quality would justify that price. It didn’t. I turned around and spend $35 on another Amazon set instead. The Amazon sheet fabric is actually silkier.