What are
/r/adultsurvivors'
favorite Products & Services?
From 3.5 billion Reddit comments
The most popular Products mentioned in /r/adultsurvivors:
The most popular Services mentioned in /r/adultsurvivors:
Google Podcasts
Yahoo! Search
Reddit Enhancement Suite
Cold Turkey
WebMD
The Eye
WordPress
The most popular reviews in /r/adultsurvivors:
This tense in your muscles is called "armoring" Pete Walker does a much better explanation in his book but it basically is your body holding on to unprocessed trauma. So when you physically relax them you begin to release it- you begin to feel it. This is why many people experience the emotional release when doing yoga or running marathons.
It is hard but you can definitely learn how to manage this.
​ - <em>Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving</em> by Pete Walker
> Pete is a "general practitioner" who specializes in helping adults recovering from growing up in traumatizing families, especially those whose repeated exposure to childhood abuse and/or neglect left them with symptoms of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder [Cptsd]. He has a great deal of recovery from his own Cptsd, and his professional approach is highly enriched by his own 40 year journey of recovering.
First off you need to understand that it wasn’t your fault.
Those dark places? That wasn’t you. That was your father and whomever else abused you.
I would suggest that you make sure your therapist is helping you reframe your abuse so you have a better understanding of the dynamic of what was really going on.
For instance I was feeling a great deal of guilt because soon after I was out of an abuse I’ve situation (staying with a particular family group who were abusers) my sister was sent out to the same family group where she, too, was subject to abuse. I was wracked with guilt and my therapist stopped me and asked me “did you think that you had been abused? (No, I didn’t understand what was happening) How old were you at the time? (I was 9-10) What would expect an average 9-10 year old to do that would “save the day?”
Ummm…
Then she asked “why do you believe 9-10 year old you knew what you know now?”
I hope you can relate here. I also hope your therapist can help you reframe your experiences so you can create good, strong, cognitive coping tools that help you work thru all this dread, shame, toxic shame and self blame.
I will suggest that you read “toxic shame: healing the shame that binds you” by Bradshaw
https://creativegrowth.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/10/bradshaw_shame-1.pdf
And look into this book about Complex PTSD - which I learned about here.
Start with the Bradshaw book. It will give you a very good baseline to work with.
Sounds to me like you had a panic attack. (https://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/panic-attack-symptoms)
This website gives advice on what to do when you are having a panic attack: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/panic-attacks-and-panic-disorders.htm It's not unusual for survivors of sexual assault to develop anxiety and have panic attacks.
You may want to tell your boyfriend what is going on with you and how he can help you recover from an attack. It's up to you if you tell him that you were sexually abused as a child though.
Keep reaching out for support and advice and take good care of yourself!
>1. Do you write in first person or "to" yourself, in second person? 2. Do you have a discipline around when you journal (like every day, once a week, etc) or do you do it only when you feel the need to? 3. Do you have a set structure for a journaling session or do you freestyle it each time? 4. What do you wish you knew when you first started journaling?
- I write in second person, sometimes first person.
- I journal when I need to - which a lot of the time is either daily or every other day. I can spend hours writing out my thoughts, internal questions I have, experiences.
- I have found the following format works for me:
•for my therapy sessions, before each session, I write out questions I have, or things I'm struggling with, joys etc.
•at the end of every session I will "answer" those questions I wrote by number 1. Question 1. Answer and so on. This helps me to see any progress or setbacks I might have made.
•I also write down any other insights I found during my therapy session (i.e. I'm angry because of ____. Etc.)
•a lot of the time, I will free write and that helps me to process why I feel what I feel.
- Buy quality journals and pens. I like sharpie pens
And
Edit: formatting
The book will help a lot with that, but you just have to create a sort of mental space to check in with any and all parts of you that might have something to say. Be open to them communicating with you through thoughts, emotions, images, and body sensations - not just words.
Here is the book that explains Internal Family Systems Therapy (aka parts work): https://www.amazon.com/Self-Therapy-Step-Step-Cutting-Edge-Psychotherapy/dp/0984392777
And the workbook that was made to go along with it and help you use the knowledge: https://www.amazon.com/Self-Therapy-Workbook-Exercise-Book-Process/dp/0984392742/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=self+therapy+ifs+workbook&qid=1610860985&sr=8-3
You quote by putting a ">" before the text you want to quote. Here is a very detailed and long post about the markdown syntax that works on reddit. If you find yourself using reddit for an extended period of time, I'd suggest that you check out the Reddit Enhancement Suite addon.
>I feel guilt because there wasn't only me who was involved, he had to do it too and because I'm a year older i should've probably have put my foot down
You are judging your own actions as a 9-year-old from the perspective and with the knowledge of an adult. But I can also understand that. It's easier to hold yourself accountable when you can't hold the person accountable who should have acted responsible.
You are saying that you cannot remember a lot of details. That is also something very understandable. Maybe some of it will return on its own, even if you might not want it to return.
>I don't blame myself for not telling anyone because I will never do it. I seriously will be taking this to my grave.
It's alright if you feel this way. I am not trying to convince you that you have to tell anyone right now. Maybe you will at some point in the future because the feelings of guilt and shame have subsided, or maybe you won't, because it will not bother you as much as it does right now.
>I don't hold grudges and it takes a lot for me to snap at a person.
That is also O.K., but I can only caution you that holding certain feelings and emotions bottled up might backfire. I'm not saying that this will be the case for you. Maybe just be mindful about the possibility.
I don't know if this applies to trauma from sexual abuse, but having a positive response to abusive behavior that is similar to what we experienced growing up is very common. We feel more comfortable with people who are familiar with us, even if they hurt us. That is why some people keep repeating the pattern of getting into abusive relationships, if they manage to get out of them.
Ross Rosenberg talks about this. He draws from the works of psychologists like Alice Miller.
I don't know you or how you approach these situations. There is a very good chance that these guys were misogynistic and were aggressive towards you and your boundaries. But there is also a chance that you may be aggressive in these moments, which is a reasonable emotion to have, but that puts people in the defensive ready to hit you back.
You may want to check out some assertiveness training. This book/audiobook is the best resource I have found on this. It teaches you to verbalize your boundaries, your feelings, and how you want to be treated without triggering anger or retaliation behaviors from the other person.
I recommend this book a lot because it really has changed how I feel when I set boundaries or when I call out abusive behavior. I feel a lot safer and confident around people after having listened to it.
If verbally expressing your boundaries makes you uncomfortable, you might want to try doing some assertiveness training. This book/audiobook is the best resource I have found for this: When I Say No I Feel Guilty.
You deserve to have your boundaries respected, so you can feel comfortable and safe around people.
Well it'd be better to speak to a trauma therapist so they could take a much fuller inventory.
I found Judith Herman's Father Daughter Incest to be a helpful read. She mentions that in her research, fathers who sexually abuse their daughters are often alcoholic, authoritarian and religious. So based on what you described, it might be relevant to your situation.
My completely unqualified opinion is that what you described does sound weird and concerning... but brains can be quite strange too, so it is possible that it was just a random thought. If he was always angry and drunk though, it does sound likely that he was abusive to you in at least some fashion (neglect, emotional abuse, physical abuse), and it's worth researching those and getting therapy for sure.
I also recommend What Happened to You by Bruce Perry & Oprah Winfrey. It helped me to understand so much about my behaviors and thought process.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B087D5YQXB/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_98HHBNNH3MRE9S3J1E0A
I’m so sorry you’re struggling with this. Pleas know that there is nothing “wrong” with you—you are reacting to what was done to you. You might find it helpful to read What Happened to You by Bruce Perry & Oprah Winfrey. I found it really helpful. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B087D5YQXB/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_98HHBNNH3MRE9S3J1E0A
You are exactly the type of individual who needs resources like this and are NOT a burden to the system of taking away a spot held for others. YOU are the valuable, wounded soul that they exist for. You are worth pursuing help, any which way, any how, any time. CSA is a cancer that eats at your soul until you address it. Simply opening your mouth and sharing what happened is a great first step, you've begun that here, but if you feel like you need more, trust your gut on this and get more help! Keep searching, keep going, you are worth every effort. \
My help came in telling someone, just getting the ugly secret out into the opening was scary, but I felt a giant weight release when someone other than me knew. Then I searched out help from a local youth pastor and group. I went to God to begin to heal my soul. I'm not sure if you are a person of faith, but forgiveness of my abuser was a HUGE step to freedom. I began to battle not listening to or believing every single toxic thought that dropped into my mind, but began to take captive each thought and speak truth, not feed lies into my brain. I found truth in God's word alone, I kept pursuing Him to heal and strengthen me and slowly, very slowly I began to see the fog of my past lift and begin to experience peace and love like I'd never felt before. There is freedom from a past of pain and abuse. Keep searching your own journey, you are worth it. There's also a great book I read on my journey that was super helpful to my mental battle, it is called, "The Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer. She was abused by her father for many years and her mother knew about it but felt paralyzed to help her in any way because of her own fears of abandonment. I highly recommend this book, it literally set me free from my toxic thoughts and got me on the road to recovery. You CAN do this!!!
It is 10000% not your fault. You were a young child who didn't know any better. He RAPED you! And innocent child. You trusted him, your body has physical reactions you enjoyed because guess what, orgasms feel good. But that doesn't mean it was your fault.
He groomed you into enjoying /seeking it.
I'm glad you're sharing your story but don't forget to work on your internal validation as well. External and internal validation should be balanced and internal is usually the MOST important to your mental health and strength of character. It takes time to work it up but it is possible.
I would highly recommend <em>Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving</em> by Pete Walker
> Pete is a "general practitioner" who specializes in helping adults recovering from growing up in traumatizing families, especially those whose repeated exposure to childhood abuse and/or neglect left them with symptoms of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder [Cptsd]. He has a great deal of recovery from his own Cptsd, and his professional approach is highly enriched by his own 40 year journey of recovering.
It might be helpful to do some reading on attachment styles. What you are describing seems to mirror what I believe is described as an "avoidant" attachment style (a pattern, often unconscious, of closeness followed by distancing due to being too close).
I highly recommend Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller for on this. https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139
I am so sorry this happened to you. This isn't something that can be overcome overnight but it can be managed and you can improve your emotional skills - they're like any other skill they take practice.
I highly recommend <em>Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving</em> by Pete Walker
> Pete is a "general practitioner" who specializes in helping adults recovering from growing up in traumatizing families, especially those whose repeated exposure to childhood abuse and/or neglect left them with symptoms of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder [Cptsd]. He has a great deal of recovery from his own Cptsd, and his professional approach is highly enriched by his own 40 year journey of recovering.
r/HealfromYourPast
I highly recommend
<em>Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving</em> by Pete Walker
> Pete is a "general practitioner" who specializes in helping adults recovering from growing up in traumatizing families, especially those whose repeated exposure to childhood abuse and/or neglect left them with symptoms of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder [Cptsd]. He has a great deal of recovery from his own Cptsd, and his professional approach is highly enriched by his own 40 year journey of recovering.
I know I'm commenting late on this, but felt I had to chime in with my perspective.
This may be naive of me, but I feel that the indigenous peoples of the planet are humanity's true soul and essence. We have to start seeing humans as they were before. From what I know of the Native Americans, for example, is that child abuse was an alien concept to them, and that they called the white people that came to steal their land and massacre them, "children beaters". So it wasn't always that such large populations of our species were black in their souls. Something had to have happened to make it so. It was society at large. Something about our societies makes people into these monsters. I believe it's the Wetiko virus:
>In its Native American meaning, wetiko is an evil cannibalistic spirit that can take over people’s minds, leading to selfshness, insatiable greed, and consumption as an end in itself, destructively turning our intrinsic creative genius against our own humanity. Revealing the presence of wetiko in our modern world behind every form of destruction our species is carrying out, both individual and collective, Paul Levy shows how this mind-virus is so embedded in our psyches that it is almost undetectable--and it is our blindness to it that gives wetiko its power...
I'm dying to buy one of the books on Wetiko. The theory offers a great explanation on how our species has destroyed nearly everything it has touched, including its own children.
I highly recommend this book . I hope you find the support you’re seeking. You are worth it.
Here you go! This is the link to it on Google Podcast app: Psych Central
You should be able to find it in iTunes and every other podcast app too ❤️
Yes! Here you go! This is the link to it on Google Podcast app: Psych Central
You should be able to find it in iTunes and every other podcast app too ❤️
Watch this and it will rip your heart out!! Everytime a child goes online some POS is messaging them for sex!!!
I swear by silicone gel. I've had a massive puffy scar on my forearm since my mid teens, so 20 year old scar. It was the size and length of a little finger. Daily use of silicone gel for a few months and the redness and puffiness is gone. It’s flattened down to the height of the surrounding skin. If I close my eyes I can barely feel where it is. Visually, its pale and still obvious if someone looks but it doesn't attract attention like it used to. The smaller and thinner scars are barely visible after treatment. You can use it as long as your wounds are no longer open.
This is just onecl example. Silicon strips/tape would work too.
https://www.amazon.com/Bepanthen-Scar-Treatment-20g/dp/B07H2CX2HS
Get This Book. ASAP.
Yes; I misunderstood, presuming your older sisters and you were children or adolescents at the time. BUT what grabbed my attention the most was "I was always very touch aversed as a child and startled very easily. Whenever my sisters would touch me or approach from behind me I would get extremely rattled and annoyed." Exaggerated startle response in children is very often an indicator for abuse in early life.
Oh, this used to be me. You need to have a talk about this with your partner. Your ability to the say no is hugely important to your healing. Otherwise you keep having sec you don’t want, which to your body and brain is the same as abuse/rape. I had to practice when I met my husband to start saying no. It changed the meaning of sex to me. I now consider it making love and it is a beautiful thing.
Talk to your partner and find a safe word like bdsm practioners use. Say it and he’ll know it means you don’t want to. You need to learn how to listen to your body’s cues so that it starts to trust that the abuse is over and you can heal. Once you’re healing and in touch with your emotions you will enjoy the lovemaking much more and your libido might go up.
The courage to heal is a book that helped my husband and myself tremendously with this.
This can definitely be frustrating. It may improve with recovery, but it can also be okay to "act out" your kinks with a safe, trusted partner. Please just be aware of any signs of grooming or manipulation, including lovebombing to make you feel incredibly special right upfront, and be aware of what your triggers are if you're going to safely act it out.
I can relate to you in the sense that I have those urges hit me when I'm triggered, where I want to irresponsibly go out and engage sexually with a "father figure". When this comes up for me I journal, take hot baths with epsom salts, or talk to a friend (just be mindful on here, because there are people who are great and then others who are looking to exploit victims or who enjoy our stories, so be selective).
I saw you mention that you can't get a therapist, but there is a book that helps people learn how to do parts work on their own, which can really help with insights, understanding, and some processing. Here is the book: https://www.amazon.com/Self-Therapy-Step-Step-Cutting-Edge-Psychotherapy/dp/0984392777
And the workbook that was made to go along with it and help you use the knowledge: https://www.amazon.com/Self-Therapy-Workbook-Exercise-Book-Process/dp/0984392742/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=self+therapy+ifs+workbook&qid=1610860985&sr=8-3
Have you ever read Bessel Van Der Kolk's The Body Keeps The Score?
It is a long process. Most important single thing I ever did was cry. Cry until you can't cry anymore. Next time you get triggered again, repeat. Crying until you can't cry anymore will get you off the hamster wheel for that particular trigger. It takes so long because there are so many triggers to work though.
Have you read 'The Body Keeps The Score' by Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk? https://www.amazon.com/dp/0143127748/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glt_fabc_REGFRBDNQ78WWDNGJJ03
He explains a lot and gives some solutions.
Wish you the best. You are very strong to have survived and are worthy of healing. You can do this!!!
We seem to easily rationalize why it didn't count as sexual abuse in many cases. I discounted my abuse because I was older, in the 14-20 age range, when it happened and "I should have been able to stop it" and I carried the blame and guilt for not stopping it. It sounds like you're ready to begin looking at it through new eyes with a new perspective.
Besides the malesurvivor site mentioned by CdnPoster (it's a great resource BTW), there are many good books that helped me see the abuse more clearly. The 2 that helped me the most are...
T here! You are not obligated to share any parts of YOUR story, regardless of who the audience is (therapist, or otherwise). In fact, it may only serve to retraumatize you to do so. You can focus on the thoughts and feelings vs. the specific details of the event(s) and get just as much, if not far more benefit from processing that way. I would highly recommend looking into purchasing this workbook (surprisingly affordable for most at $21 given the incredible, invaluable content) which emphasizes as much, and guides trauma survivors and therapists alike through the healing work. I wish you well on your healing journey.
https://www.amazon.com/Transforming-Living-Legacy-Trauma-Therapists/dp/1683733487
Get a book that's aimed at young children such as this one to help:
https://www.amazon.ca/Lets-about-Boundaries-Consent-Respect/dp/1925089185
Teach her about boundaries, good touch vs. bad touch and the actual name of her private parts. She'll only be ashamed if you make her feel that way -- to her when very young an arm is an arm just like a vagina is a vagina or a bum unless you give off the impression that it should be something to be ashamed about.
Another side to that though would be discussing when it's appropriate for those parts to be seen and can veer into a good discussion about private time vs. public time. (That in the washroom it's ok to explore their genitals or in a safe space that you've deemed ok -- not suddenly at school, daycare, the store etc. Bathtime when young is the perfect time to have some of these discussions too.
My mom just never taught this either -- so I feel you on this. We had some sort of "good touch, bad touch" puppet and I remember sitting in class feeling so disgusting -- it was the first time I learned this type of "touch" I had experienced since I was 5 was not ok and was a shock to the sense tbh. (I still never told anyone). I don't have children, but I would research when it's appropriate to bring up such topics and start incorporating them as naturally as you can without yourself feeling ashamed.
I would recommend reading The Body Keeps the Score. It is a life-changing book.
Some of the therapies recommended in it are mindfulness meditation, yoga and EFT. Please consider looking into these things.
The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are
Self love if something ive struggled with for a long time and strugged even more with admiting it to myself. Three chapters into this book and I already felt so much better about myself (sounds drastic but I releated to every concept lol). I havent even finished it yet and I shipped a copy to my mom to read. I HIGHLY reccomend!
Hi and welcome if you’re new here.
You said you’ve been in therapy for 7 years I believe. I did a lot too and I was ok for some time until I saw a very triggering documentary in February. I think sometimes we just encounter something in life that opens our wound. And it takes time for a new scar to grow over it. Be kind to yourself and extra gentle while you’re in this period. Be patient with yourself. Surround yourself if you can with empathetic people who value and support you.
I think talking about it in a safe place with safe people helps us cope. It takes away some of the stigma.
This will sound dumb, but try telling yourself some positive affirmations right before you fall asleep, and when you wake up. That can help disrupt the rumination soundtrack a lot of us have playing in our heads. Rumination is damaging, and it reinforces trauma.
You were asking about books in an earlier comment thread. Lots of people have good things to say about this one although I haven’t read it yet. But it’s on my list.
For males who might be reading, I’m finishing up this, and it’s been helpful Joining Forces: Empowering Male Survivors To Thrive
Agreed with what others have said about making therapy day easier than other days. We pretty much always have delivery food once a week on Tuesdays, my therapy day. Sometimes the day or two after can be hard as well. I know I've also gone in and out of weeks that are good and weeks that are bad. It's just the natural process of healing. Some of it can't even be put into words.
Also, I would check out this workbook for your wife, The Courage to Heal (https://www.amazon.com/Courage-Heal-Workbook-Survivors-Sexual/dp/B000GG4ZKE/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1507052807&sr=1-1&keywords=the+courage+to+heal+workbook) It's been incredibly helpful for me.
There's also a companion book for partners called Allies in Healing. I've read all of it and my husband is working through it now. Also quite helpful for us. (https://www.amazon.com/Allies-Healing-Person-Survivor-Sexual-ebook/dp/B009R54WYO/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1507052888&sr=1-1&keywords=allies+in+healing)
I suggest that you read the book The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz (https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B0083DHILK/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1). It may give you some information to share with your boyfriend.
Take good care of yourself!
You should definitely communicate with your boyfriend about what happened to you, what's currently going on, and how you are feeling about it. I appreciate that you are taking his own struggles with quitting smoking into account, but your own feelings and comfort should not have to suffer because of that.
My therapist recommended this book for my wife to read, and it's helped her understand the broad range of feelings and issues I am dealing with. I would also recommend you and your boyfriend both read it. It'll also open a line of communication between you and him that you desperately need right now.
Hope that you are doing better now.
A really great book about anxiety and how to deal with it is "Rewire Your Anxious Brain" https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B00QG5SW58/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
Take good care!
I'm sorry that you are going through this.
Pandora's Project has a list of books they recommend: http://www.pandys.org/recommendedreading.html
Wendy Maltz has written a book/guide about intimacy after sexual assault:
https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B0083DHILK/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
You also might consider RAINN and Pandora's chat forums where you can reach out for support. Of course you can ask for advice here and the sub "rape counseling" gets a fair amount of traffic.
The RAINN website can direct you to free therapy when/if you are ready.
Take good care of yourself!
blujas makes some very good points.
This book may be helpful for you:
https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B0083DHILK/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=
Take care of yourself. You deserve to be living your best life.
Therapy, EMDR, craniosacral and reading has helped me. Good luck.
EMDR and craniosacral massage therapy has been very helpful for me. The best thing you can do is heal and then practice loving y ourself and learning what you want without a partner first. Good books are The Sexual Healing Journey and Counseling Adult Survivors
Here is one that I found that has great reviews: http://www.amazon.com/Helping-Adult-Survivor-Child-Sexual/dp/0941300269/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&qid=1454544194&sr=8-6&keywords=helping+sexual+abuse+survivors
My best advice is to give her space. I was sexually abused by an older brother and I resented the rest of my family for years. If you're older than her then there is a good possibility she feels resentment towards you for not protecting her. Of course you shouldn't blame yourself for the abuse in any way, I'm just pointing out what might be lurking subconsciously or even consciously. I recommend letting her know you are there for her if she needs to talk or lean on you for support and leave it at that for awhile. She will come around when/if she is ready.
Also, she might have ill feelings towards you since she was abused by him and you were not. I'm sure you can imagine how she could feel that way. I'm just putting possibilities out there in case they apply.
I've got to admit that I'm satisfied with hearing about their misery after victimizing someone they are supposed to care for and protect. You are absolutely right, you may not be able to choose your blood but you can always choose your family. It's going to take time and dedication to the process of healing. Sometimes you'll have to sacrifice other priorities because your health and recovery are worth it, because you are. :)
I know with being in school that you might be sick of reading but there is a very good book for trauma survivors called Healing from trauma. It came recommended from my group trauma therapist, something that all of us read within the group (at our own pace). It might help validate some of your feelings/emotions, and assist you in the recovery process. Priority #1 is to get into therapy, which you've already made a crucial first step towards.
http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Trauma-Survivors-Understanding-Reclaiming/dp/1600940617