You might want to buy this book. It's helped many women in your situation. The author, an LBL herself, is a therapist and does phone consultations: https://www.amazon.com/Living-Two-Lives-Married-Woman/dp/1461177464
You ARE capable of loving someone, but there is work to be done. I highly, highly, recommend reading this book:
https://www.amazon.com/What-Happened-You-Understanding-Resilience/dp/1250223180
This book really helped me when I came out at age 23: Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women's Love and Desire https://www.amazon.ca/dp/0674032268/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_862cEbF3T2ZBC
Saved me from going to therapy ��
Everything you describe sure sounds like a lesbian to me. I also suspect that's not what you want to hear - your post articulates the struggle involved with internalized homophobia that we all go through. No doubt a good time to start therapy with an LGBTQ-affirming therapist. You might also want to order this book: https://www.amazon.com/Living-Two-Lives-Married-Woman/dp/1461177464
Elder Gay here - It is never, EVER "Just her." I would recommend you buy this book: Living Two Lives: Married to a Man & In Love with a Woman https://www.amazon.com/Living-Two-Lives-Married-Woman/dp/1461177464
No. You were not lying to yourself, although you likely had preconceived notions of what being a lesbian was, based on CompHet. Read Sexual Fluidity by Lisa Diamond: https://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Fluidity-Understanding-Womens-Desire/dp/0674032268
It's great that you're already thinking about it! Don't beat yourself up - it's really, really hard to do internal/shadow work, and this is a learning experience that will help direct you towards the you that'll know you are enough and don't need to buy anyone gifts or be overly available for them to be interested, because you'll know your company is its own gift. If anything on codependence resonates with you, I highly recommend "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
Google compulsory heterosexuality.
There's a "am I a lesbian" masterdoc, which is full of questions to ask yourself about your sexuality. https://www.docdroid.net/N46Ea3o/copy-of-am-i-a-lesbian-masterdoc-pdf
There's also a well-known YouTuber, Alayna Joy, who identified as bisexual and was engaged to her boyfriend before calling off her wedding when she realised she was a lesbian. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nl_Ja4_7Rfo
Please keep in mind that sexuality is fluid, and that bisexuality/ pansexuality are valid identities too. I hope these links help :)
I was packing the last on my things and came across my gay af MTG playmat and realized... Being in a relationship with a man was the only evidence I had that I was attracted to them.
Also, you might want to buy this book. It's written by a therapist who is a LBL. Helped lots of women: https://www.amazon.com/Living-Two-Lives-Married-Woman/dp/1461177464
I'm sorry things didn't work out. It's so painful to be a catalyst - get that adoration from a somebody who's just recognizing same-sex attraction, only to have it come crashing down when they start to freak out by the reality of it all. Anyway, I'm a big believer that the only way out is through, and that grief can be a time of learning and growth if we let it. Check this out: https://www.amazon.com/Wisdom-Broken-Heart-Uncommon-Healing/dp/1416593152
Here's the thing - the resentment you feel as a result of trying not to "ruin the balance" will likely destroy it eventually anyway, as codependency does. You might want to check out this book - it's helped countless women: https://www.amazon.com/Living-Two-Lives-Married-Woman/dp/1461177464
My other podcast I enjoy is A Lesbian Affair. More conversational with an empathetic host. Just interviewing everyday people touching on their coming out and life history. Set in london. https://www.buzzsprout.com/880990
I highly recommend this book: "Healing Developmental Trauma" https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Developmental-Trauma-Self-Regulation-Relationship/dp/1583944893
Also, it's probably time to return to therapy.... I've had to go on and off throughout my life.
I really love this bracelet. It’s still very feminine but it says what I want it to. I’m in a relationship so not exactly trying to pick up someone but I am very femme/straight passing and I’d like to believe things like this help. I definitely look for clues like this from others when I’m out, especially in my very conservative part of the United States.
Something I read recently in this book said research has shown sexuality is fluid over time; i also was more attracted to men in my teen years and early 20s but the attraction would always fade quickly once in relationship. Now I’m married to a man with zero sexual attraction to him. We schedule sex once a week and I dread it every time, but once it’s over it isn’t terrible. However my attraction for women has only grown. I am essentially in love with my best friend of two years who is (unhappily) married to a woman. Lol sorry for the word vomit. Long story short: I see you. Your experience is valid and there’s nothing wrong with you.
You will get through this. I promise. But it takes time. Start a journal. Continue to reach out to the gay community. Read this book: https://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Difficult/dp/1611803438
maybe you already did, but i highly recommend you check out the master doc and see if it resonates with you
edit: i realise you already know you’re a lesbian, but it touches on things such as bdsm, ldr etc so i thought you might benefit from reading it anyway
If I may make a suggestion, sharing resources on a concept like compulsory heterosexuality isn't going to make a conservative or religious family any more open to accepting a gay child, because they don't hold the views they do out of a lack of understanding of heteropatriarchy. Faith-based resources like this book or support groups like this one will open more hearts than trying to explain something they don't really WANT to understand. If you live in a conservative area, your local PFLAG chapter will probably have good local resources.
You might want to check out this book. It's helped lots of women in your position and was written by an LBL therapist: https://www.amazon.com/Living-Two-Lives-Married-Woman/dp/1461177464
Also, therapy can play a hugely supportive role in discussing this issue in a safe way. If you call, ask if the individual has training in sexuality/coming out issues.
"This hasn’t came from nowhere I’ve ignored feelings/signs my whole life. ..I threw myself at boys determined to find one that felt right, determined to fit in with my friends. I got pregnant and stuck with him."
These are your words. So there's a couple of issues here. First of all, you can't ignore this anymore - that's a good thing, because it means you're getting more self-aware and less able to lie to yourself. Secondly, you ARE attracted to women. That's a fact. What you don't know yet is whether you have the desire/courage to explore this side of you.
For both of those issues, it's best to discuss them with an LGBTQ-friendly counselor. If you don't you'll either make yourself sick from trying to stuff it back down and/or you'll fall in love with somebody who may or may not be good for you. What we resist persists. In the meantime, read, read, read. Here's a good place to start: https://www.amazon.com/Living-Two-Lives-Married-Woman/dp/1461177464
You might want to check out this book. It's written by a LBL therapist and has helped countless women: https://www.amazon.com/Living-Two-Lives-Married-Woman/dp/1461177464
Not alone, that's for sure. Do you have a therapist? I also highly recommend this book. It's helped countless women: https://www.amazon.com/Living-Two-Lives-Married-Woman/dp/1461177464
Have you read Living Two Lives? The Amazon link is here- https://www.amazon.com/Living-Two-Lives-Married-Woman/dp/1461177464
I just started it and its helpful and interesting. I also listen to Lesbian Chronicles sometimes, and have found some helpful information/sense of belonging there.
Welcome on the journey! It aint for the faint of heart but I suspect its going to be amazing at the end. :)
Well, for me I thought i was bi. I dated men, always loved their friendship/personality but i hated having intercourse with a man. I married someone a few years later she told me she was trans so now i have a wife. best thing ever happen to me haha. I dont have to worry about genitalia im not interested in and they get to be who they are, and i get to look at a beautiful girl all day <3 i hope you figure it out soon. ALSO read this https://www.docdroid.net/N46Ea3o/copy-of-am-i-a-lesbian-masterdoc-pdf
Thanks! I used this color shampoo & conditioner. I mix the “hot pink“ shampoo with my normal shampoo (about 1:1, but you can experiment to get the color that works for you). And then I use the “rose gold” conditioner.
This was part of my Halloween costume this year. I do like quarantine queer better hahaha
However, for many years now I have felt further and further on the Kinsey scale and less and less comfortable being with a man. But I have come out before, twenty years ago. Coming out again and changing my life feels like regressing or looking like a foolish, unaware person.
Only in the West is life seen as linear. You are fine. Your path is your own. Speaking of Buddhism, this is a good one: https://www.amazon.com/Path-Heart-Through-Promises-Spiritual/dp/0553372114
Check out this book - it's very helpful for setting up a more permanent kind of relationship: https://www.amazon.com/Hard-Questions-100-Essential-Before/dp/1585426210
I highly recommend this book. Written by an LBL therapist. Covers many topics, including "earning your way out of a marriage." https://www.amazon.com/Living-Two-Lives-Married-Woman/dp/1461177464
I highly recommend this book. It's written by a LBL therapist, and it's helped countless women: "Living Two Lives: Married to a Man & In Love with a Woman" https://www.amazon.com/Living-Two-Lives-Married-Woman/dp/1461177464
> I'm too old now to date again
So, I don't know how old that is. But I want to tell you something. I am an alterations tailor, and I do a very brisk bridal season every year. And every year there are a few first-time marriages of people in their 50's and 60's. Sometimes 70's. And there are plenty of older people who have lost their spouses, and look to find someone new so they don't have to die alone. I know this partly by how many older men (retired) hit on me, and I have to tell them I'm a married lesbian.
I know the dating pool is smaller for gay people. But stop giving up. Put yourself out there. Join a women's walking group or reading group or volunteer at the library or LGBTQ center. Bring your happy face and your dog, lace your shoes with rainbow laces or some such for gay identification, relax and have some fun. At the very least you'll get a circle of friends.
Hi-- imo you are a long way from the most effective mindset on this.
1. You cannot stop her from acting a given way. You can only choose what YOU are going to do. She has done the same thing over and over; what would it take for you to believe she is probably going to keep doing it? Is it worth hurting yourself over and over on the slight hope that she might do something different out of nowhere? Do you NEED to keep hurting yourself in order for her to have this hypothetical spontaneous change-- would that be a result of something you did, or something that would come from inside her?
https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025
r/raisedbynarcissists
I just read a book at my library called How to talk to your kids about divorce
It doesn't go into coming out to kids specifically, but its advice about healthy communication towards your kids about divorce and everything related is VERY good. Highly recommended. (My therapist suggested it)
ultimately no one else can tell you whether or not you’re attracted to women and it’s possible that you could be ! but i’m going to assume you mentioned the porn to say that you’re watching wlw (sorry if i’m wrong) and a lot of straight women watch wlw porn. this is bc sapphic porn focuses on female pleasure while straight porn focuses on men getting off. with the friend, you could just be hyper aware of situations where something romantic could happen because the friend brought it up! like i said, no one can tell you if you’re attracted to women but you. i’ll direct you to the lesbian master doc. while you’re not questioning if you’re a lesbian, it could still be helpful to read through for you to greater understand your possible attraction to women and help you ask yourself more questions!
https://www.docdroid.net/N46Ea3o/copy-of-am-i-a-lesbian-masterdoc-pdf#page=31 you should read this its not too long and has a lot of relatable and helpful insight:)) ive been having a lot of those same feelings and had similar experiences
Hi dear, it's me again. I am SO sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are in a scary place. Are you able to obtain professional help for your suicidal ideation? I think OCD really has its claws in you right now! I am aching for you just hearing how tortured you feel by these thoughts. I have been there. With OCD treatment I fully believe you can live your life not ruled by these torturous thoughts, compulsions, and panic. Have you considered seeking treatment for OCD? The NOCD program (treatmyocd.com) has helped me *SO* much. Are there any inpatient programs you can look into? I know how tough it is because of COVID, but this is urgent for you, given the self-harm.
I really hope you find the help you need. There are things I would like to say in response to your post, but I am not an OCD therapist, just a fellow sufferer. I hope you can find the right treatment. In the meantime, a resource I found to be useful was this book, Everyday Mindfulness for OCD. https://www.amazon.com/Everyday-Mindfulness-OCD-Tricks-Joyfully/dp/1626258929
Anything by Lee Winter, Erin Zak, Gerri Hill, Lynn Ames, and Ann McMan. You can also check out the novella I wrote if you like romantic suspense.
https://www.amazon.com/Breaking-Point-Amy-Bright/dp/1096403773
😂 never taking it off my head.
You’re probably partly kidding on the photo but it’s an overly floppy, very 2009-style red knit beanie. Not the cool carhartt beanies of present day. Like this:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01LQJYFB8/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_D16GRXXTJX165MFYBWM1?psc=1
Sex on the Beach would be a great option. The main character is bisexual and just starting to realize / accept it. She starts a relationship with a man, but she keeps thinking of other girls and then meets some new girl friends and....
I cannot recommend She Comes First by Dr Ian Kerner Enough! They even have it at Audible. Not only will you learn a ton about your own parts as a woman — and the entire clitoral network — you’ll be at the top of your game with oral. It’s technically written for men and you can skip the whole intro on why a man finally sexually prioritized his wife, but that’s neither her or there. The info contained within is concise and so are his different tricks, tips, and “routines”.
This book is excellent — I’ve had it over 10 years myself — and I recommend it to any Sapphic new to sex with women. I’ve recommended it to men too, and they are super impressed with the results!
Enjoy!
She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060538260/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_ENRQN5PVV78W1QNDZYS7
I’m not the person you responded to. Here is a book about IRL lesbian nuns. It’s been around a long time, but some things never change…
https://www.amazon.com/Lesbian-Nuns-Breaking-Nancy-Manahan/dp/1935226630/ref=nodl_
headspace is a subscription app, here's a link to try it for free for 2 weeks before you make a financial committment (it's like amazon prime, don't forget to cancel in time if you don't want it so it doesn't charge your credit card!)
I was 34 when I came out. It was so exciting! Do you have any friends in the community that you can reach out to? Even people you just know who are LGBT.... have a little talk with them and you may just become instant friends... family, as we say. Find someone to take you out. Hey.. there may be someone on Reddit from your local area. If you aren't in to clubs, that's ok. Honestly, the clubs are where many LGBT people come together (there's a history and reason for that). But, there's also Meetup.com, or Facebook groups. Anyway, what I am getting at is to get out there and make connections. That doesn't mean "moving too fast." Explore, learn, connect.
Some personal notes/learnings from me. I am in the Sacramento, California area. So... medium sized city with a decent "scene" and close to San Francisco.
Along with "find someone to show you the ropes":
(1) Many local women know each other. Many women who are dating may share the same ex. It's a bit "incestuous" in that sense. It's something to keep in mind, always.
(2) Be prepared for women to be just as aggressive as men. (or more so!) Be prepared for women to be more crazy. LOL
(3) Trust your gut. Be responsible but no regrets.
(4) When it comes to figuring yourself out, remember that sexuality is a spectrum and it's ever-changing.
She is a fasion designer who uses the Tik Tok app to show her designs.
I don't have an english link, but here is her tiktok : https://www.tiktok.com/@loora8888?language=en&sec_uid=MS4wLjABAAAAeUH9PBzeISdZTlokEx0F1CXMHyPlUlIoLCupCBf0qWv0My2csu2BmqTJmsWQsZFZ&timestamp=1566658545&utm_source=copy_link&utm_campaign=client_share&utm_medium=android&share_app_name=musically&share_iid=6728746409770682117
This is such a lot to sort out - I'm so sorry you've had all these confusing and terrible experiences to wade through. I've had a few of the same ones, and it's been a process. If you like to read at all, I highly recommend the book "Come as you are". It's a sex ed book that will likely be helpful as you sort out some of these questions. For one, it's very clear in a research supported way that your body's response during rape does not change the fact you were raped.
Please buy this book. It was written by an LBL therapist, and it's helped countless women: https://www.amazon.com/Living-Two-Lives-Married-Woman/dp/1461177464
Flat tongue. Lick up her clit kind of like you are licking ice cream off a cone. She may prefer a more circular motion. Ask her what she likes!!! Read her facial expressions and body language. Gently suckle on the clit if it’s not too intense for her. I like to suckle while still using my tongue in a gentle circular motion or lick that little spot right at the front while sucking. Legit, practice on your pinky. If she wants it, finger her gspot at the same time. You can think me later. Coordinating it can be hard though so practice when no one is looking. God I miss giving a woman pleasure. Someone send me a girlfriend. And as was already mentioned communicate everything. Take your time. It’s not a race. Savor it. Always ask her if she is okay. When you start, when inserting anything vaginally ( not everyone is okay with that) and when doing anything that may be a bit more intense like sucking or direct clitoral stimulation and definitely if you do anything anal always ask for consent and check in with her. Also, not everyone will like what I just put up there. Every woman is different, but it’s a good starting point perhaps. Also, I can’t recommend this book enough.
Box Lunch: The Layperson's Guide to Cunnilingus https://www.amazon.com/dp/1555838499/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_7MR0JZKGZW10MXQ5D2N3
This book is written by a LBL therapist still in practice. It has helped scores of women including my own GF: https://www.amazon.com/Living-Two-Lives-Married-Woman/dp/1461177464
This book has helped countless women coming out later in life. It's written by an LBL therapist who still practices: https://www.amazon.com/Living-Two-Lives-Married-Woman/dp/1461177464
You might want to buy a copy of this book. It's written by an LBL therapist and has helped countless women: https://www.amazon.com/Living-Two-Lives-Married-Woman/dp/1461177464
Here's a book that has helped countless women facing this issue. It was written by an LBL who is also a therapist. BTW, she's available for counseling via phone: https://www.amazon.com/Living-Two-Lives-Married-Woman/dp/1461177464
Hey! I'm super late to the party, but though I'd share one of my erotica books with you as it's free today on Amazon.
Written by a lesbian, for lesbians. I hope you enjoy it x
Hi! I'm an author, and a lesbian. I've written a few erotic short stories, so maybe you'd enjoy these as I think they depict a more realistic view of lesbian sex (compared to all the erotic shorts written by men/for men). The book covers also don't give off that 'smut' vibe, so they can be discrete.
This book is free this week:
All Night In Paris - Amelia Harlow
* I can also email a free copy if you don't use Amazon :)
I'm not sure if she's doing groups right now, but you can contact her and ask. She literally wrote the book on LBLs: https://www.amazon.com/Living-Two-Lives-Married-Woman/dp/1461177464
Do you have a marriage counselor? in https://www.amazon.com/Living-Two-Lives-Married-Woman/dp/1461177464, the author talks about using counseling to earn your way out of a marriage.
This book was written by an LBL therapist. It's helped countless women. Highly recommend: https://www.amazon.com/Living-Two-Lives-Married-Woman/dp/1461177464
I highly recommend this book. It's written by a LBL therapist and has helped countless women: https://www.amazon.com/Living-Two-Lives-Married-Woman/dp/1461177464
Pray the Gay Away If you have any interest in Christianity and LGBTQ issues this is a great book.
In her book, "Living Two Lives" (https://www.amazon.com/Living-Two-Lives-Married-Woman/dp/1461177464) LBL therapist Joanne Fleischer talks about "earning your way" out of a marriage by going to couples therapy. It's a great idea. Not only is it respectful of the time you spent with this man, you'll have the opportunity to become aware of unproductive relationship habits you picked up along the way.
You might want to check out this book written by an LBL therapist: https://www.amazon.com/Living-Two-Lives-Married-Woman/dp/1461177464
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I was sexually abused by a relative as a child then (as is common) assaulted as a young adult.
The book Because It Feels Good was helpful to me, personally. I can’t remember now if it mostly talks about sex with men or not, to be fair. But the gist I remember is it helping me realize it’s ok to enjoy sex and that it can be for my own enjoyment too not just to make someone else happy or stop bad things from happening.
I agree about therapy, but the very best thing I ever did was read this book. It helped me reconcile my sexuality with my religion.
https://www.amazon.com/Homosexual-Neighbor-Revised-Updated-Christian/dp/0060670789
I think you're wise to reflect on how to minimize the emotional trauma of coming out. I frequently recommend this book.- it's helped countless women navigate coming out later in life and was written by an LBL therapist: https://www.amazon.com/Living-Two-Lives-Married-Woman/dp/1461177464
Recommend this book. Covers all the stuff married LBLs worry about:
https://www.amazon.com/Living-Two-Lives-Married-Woman/dp/1461177464
Oh boy. Yeah, I'd want to know a little bit more about that. Again, I'm really sorry, but the idea that you'll find anyone who wants to be your "experiment" (other than a sex worker) is pretty farfetched. With few exceptions - and there are some - women become attached to the people we have sex with. This is especially true for women over 35 or so. This subreddit is littered with women who thought they could has no-strings-attached sex with another woman, and their husbands, only to have things blow up. Feel free to DM me if you'd like to chat further. In the meantime, I highly recommend this book. The author is available for phone consultations and she specializes in LBL: https://www.amazon.com/Living-Two-Lives-Married-Woman/dp/1461177464
If you went to couples counseling to discuss these issues, there is a good chance that you will "earn" your way out of the marriage, rather than making a snap decision. Highly recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Living-Two-Lives-Married-Woman/dp/1461177464
Good luck.
Thank you!! I appreciate it so much cuz I had a rough week. This workbook has been really helpful. Hugs to you too. Anxiety is tough but we’re tougher!
You might want to pick up this book: "Living Two Lives: Married to a Man & In Love with a Woman." The author is a specialist in LBL therapy. https://www.amazon.com/Living-Two-Lives-Married-Woman/dp/1461177464
My parents were ok with me being gay for the most part. The rest of my family, not so much. I think first and foremost you should consider therapy with a pro LGBTQ therapist to deal with any feeling of shame you have. If cost is an issue and you’re in the US, most counties have some type of sliding scale mental health service. Just be sure to request someone pro LGBTQ. If your shame is rooted in your religion, you should read this book https://www.amazon.com/Homosexual-Neighbor-Revised-Updated-Christian/dp/0060670789. It helped me work through my religious conflicts. As to how to handle your family: first you are under no obligation to come out to them if you don’t want to. OTOH, if at some point you decide you need to, then you might want to consider cutting them off if necessary. I had to do that with three of my sisters. I told them that love is not supposed to be conditional, and if they could not love me for who I am then they don’t get to be a part of my life. It took six months, but I eventually was able to rebuild my relationship with two of my three sisters. The other one, I just say fuck her. Being gay is not the end of the world, honestly if I could take a pill and be straight, I’d say no thank you. This community is wonderful and I’ve no doubt you will find incredible support here.
I suspect by having gay friends it has gradually dawned on you that the horrible stereotypes about lesbians are untrue. So you find out you have things in common, and perhaps for the first time you're questioning your sexual orientation. And you're scared.
Here's the thing - the more you try to control your thoughts, the more persistent they will be, with a concurrent rise in anxiety. I highly recommend you start doing some reading. Lisa Diamond's "Sexual Fluidity" is a good place to start: https://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Fluidity-Understanding-Womens-Desire/dp/0674032268
Yes, she is no doubt the "catalyst." Most women have a "catalyst." However, even just calling her a "catalyst" renders her something other than a real person with thoughts and feelings and expectations, whether or not she's attracted to you. And that's a recipe for lots of hurt.
Joanne Fleischer writes at length about the "catalyst" phenomenon in her guide to married women discovering same-sex attraction. I highly, highly, recommend you get a copy. It's helped countless women in your situation https://www.amazon.com/Living-Two-Lives-Married-Woman/dp/1461177464
Nice Dream Sun Catcher Feng Shui Crystals Suncatchers for Window with Rainbow Chakra Bead and 76mm Chandelier Crystal Prism Drops (2Pcs) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07RXSL242/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_vDPOEbN4V3H6Q
Went down a suncatcher rabbit hole - the Amazon one looks exact. :)