What are /r/polyamory's favorite Products & Services?

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It's a stock photo from pixabay user White77 that was used in a polyamory article.

Looking at her other photos, I don't think it's a polyamorous family.

I'm sorry you're going through this loss as well, and yeah if it helps to hear stories about poly situations, a quad I'm familiar with (friends of friends) recently announced their new baby, trying to figure out who gets called what by the kid, and I offered to give them advice from another friend, who grew up with 4 moms (this friend is my age and this is a friend I met in highschool, around 1997)

there's a saying I like "the future is here it just isn't evenly distributed" just have to keep growing that acceptance and let it eat up everything else.

(if you'd like a book about this friend's quad upbringing - https://www.amazon.com/Queerspawn-Love-Memoir-Kellen-Kaiser/dp/1631520202) and I hope you find a good place with your family after this loss!

Go to meetups, get to know people as an individual, make friends.

As a community, we really need to address being more inclusive to POC. I, too, live in a predominately white area and we rarely get POC showing up at events, which I think is a failing on our part as a community.

There is a good book that was just recently published (and I'm only halfway through) about POC and polyamory - it was written by a black man. I love hearing about his insights. Love's Not Color Blind: Race and Representation in Polyamorous and Other Alternative Communities https://www.amazon.com/dp/1944934464/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_f1vEBbERC0MNV

I completely agree with this assessment. Really, any rules/boundaries/etc. should be based on not being a shitty human being, not what some guru says. If you want to deal with jealousy, which seems to be the most common problem, there are better books written by real psychiatrists. Jealousy and other negative emotions may have a foundation that isn't even related to your current relationships, but to childhood trauma or baggage from past relationships. My therapist recommended this workbook and I'll pass it on here. https://www.amazon.ca/Thoughts-Feelings-Taking-Control-Moods/dp/1608822087

Believe him - he said he couldn't see you as a primary. What that probably means to him is that he wants to enjoy the time you two have together but with less entanglement than society typically prescribes to relationships. A really good book for you two to read together and discuss is Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator: Uncommon Love and Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MRDI7JC/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_CdyDBbXSPWCVG It may help him put into more concrete terms what types of entanglement he does and does not want.

Everyone here has great advice about not pressuring yourself and being honest with your needs. A book that really gave me some good perspective on my libido was Come as you are. I personally have the opposite problem. I have a very high libido and two low libido partners.

The book is a fairly dense and scientifically focused look at sexuality (from a mainly cis-fem perspective, its only flaw I think). There are quizzes sprinkled throughout to help you gain insight into what “gets you going”, as well as any unconscious emotional baggage you may have about your sexuality, among other topics.

A lot are clearly copy and pasted. If it doesn't reference or ask about something in my profile, I don't bother responding.

If you're interested in this sort of thing, you should read Dataclysm.

If anyone got excited by the prospect of working on this or sharing your responses with a partner, may I recommend Stepping Off The Relationship Escalator by Amy Gahran. I'm reading the last two chapters tonight as part of my weekly polyamory book club and I find it to be an excellent guide through escalator principles and what non escalator dynamics can look like.

> I mean that the term feminist does not and never has been about equality in general.

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/feminism

>1: the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes

.

>That is not to say that the social aspects should not still be fought against though!

That's kind of the point of feminism.

>When feminism takes up for men obtaining 50/50 custody, male only scholarships, male mental health, male suicide prevention, women working in physically demanding, male dominated fields, either including women or getting rid of the draft all together, women meeting the same physical requirements as men in certain fields (usually physical requirements in the armed forces, fire fighting, etc), among many other issues of inequality that are currently skewed in women's favor, then maybe I will reconsider calling myself a feminist.

As my other post explained and this post did earlier, feminism agrees that these are all bad things! Although, as my other post also explained, in some of these cases I think you're conflating "equal" with "identical".

As someone who's not diagnosed but has extremely strong tendencies it really took everyone realizing that I wasn't like everyone else. My wife said "I used to think you were just a jerk, but now I realize you don't even know enough not to be."

I've gotten a lot better by framing things as personal rules. Never, ever lie. Always be sure to be perfectly clear about things, to the point of annoyance. People I'm interested in get made aware of it very early, generally by me telling them to read this article. Believe it or not, Big Bang Theory helped a lot. Sheldon is a caricature, sure, but a lot of what he thinks is similar to me, and seeing that reflection helped me realize that I'm not normal and how I can help people who are to have a better experience.

The important thing is to keep talking. Therapy helps a lot, too. Don't think of it as a medical treatment. More like an emotional personal trainer. For people like us who aren't good with emotions it's hugely beneficial to have some training.

Edit: Last time my crush was in town I told her I really wanted to kiss her and she just said "Oh, TheIcelander..." which I interpreted as her not wanting me to. I'm still not 100% certain if she did or not, but now I know enough to ask her for clarification next time instead of just apologizing.

She's in town this weekend again. * crosses fingers *

Dedeker Winston is a host of Multiamory and wrote The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory. I recently read through it with a partner and think it should be high on the list of poly books. It is more specific to poly than The Ethical Slut and more modern than More Than Two. It's also not just for girls :)

The multiamory podcast is a personal favorite. One of the hosts Dedeker Winston wrote a great book called The smart girls guide to polyamory: Everything You Need to Know About Open Relationships, Non-Monogamy, and Alternative Love. Excellent book to read even if your not a girl.

I know it hurts both of you to see a person you love struggle, and you would like to help him. Sadly, you can't. That's his feelings, and he needs to work through them by himself. If you two try to restrict yourselves until he becomes more comfortable, this will only lead to resentment. You can only support him by reassuring him that you both still love him and are there for him.

/u/ref2018 actually made a good point. If your boyfriend has physical symptoms, some kind of therapy may be necessary (doesn't necessarily have to be hypnosis, however, other options may suit him better) - I'd recommend that ASAP.

There are also good resources out there that could help him. This is a book about ethical polyamory written by a man, for men. I didn't read it since I am not part of the target audience, but I read the author's blog a while ago and liked the way he wrote. Maybe there's something helpful for your boyfriend there. And then there's The Jealousy Workbook which is exactly what it says on the cover. I'm sure your boyfriend would benefit from doing these exercises.

Maybe he is going to find out he's not polyamorous after all. I hope that's not the case, but if he still feels that strongly even after working on himself for several months, a breakup may be best for all of you. But right now, there's still a good chance he'll get over it and come out on the other side as a stronger, more confident person. Best of luck to you three!

Try to be confident in your decision. I know you want your mother's approval, but your own approval is more important. That confidence will tell her, who can likely read you better than anyone else on the planet, more than anything you can say or write.

I am sure the idea of poly took time to make sense for you, it will likely take longer for your mom to get comfortable with the idea. She will likely gain comfort from seeing you and your partner(s) interact lovingly rather than any amount of logic by text or phone.

You may want to send her a copy of this too: https://www.amazon.com/When-Someone-Love-Polyamorous-Understanding/dp/0996460187

The author has books on polyamorus families also if that is the direction you folks are headed.

I am happy for you and wish you folks the very best of luck. <3

Deborah Anapol, Polyamory: The New Love without Limits. I liked More Than Two but even before hearing these accusations, I preferred Anapol's book to Veaux's.

So I’m my anchor partner and I are both strongman competitors, she’s 6’ 1”, between 230-240 depending on where we are in a season and I’m 5’ 10” generally right around 260-280.

So just the two of us are right 550 usually.

We bought a Zinus Dawn 14 inch frame off amazon for about $159 it’s rated to 1200lbs, so perfect for us and our other partners. It’s a slight bigger than king size with nice rubber feet too keep it from sliding, though I still put a rug under it.

We affectionately call it orgy sized.

link

I’d want them to read “when someone you love is polyamorous” by Dr. Sheff. She might be someone you’d like to have as an advisor! I’d def add it to your references. It’s my go to resource for coming out. When Someone You Love Is Polyamorous: Understanding Poly People and Relationships (Thorntree Fundamentals Book 1) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01E0L4CQM/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_8KF78HNBCFXQSNTJ5S9B

This is awesome! My shower had like 3 tiny shelves and the little shower caddy thing ALWAYS FALLS drives me crazy so I recently got this shelf: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07GDHSHHT/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_ZjADCbNG7N82V

I think you are doing this in the right way. Looking out for other people's interests is a good skill for poly. It doesn't have to be to your own detriment - this is a skill and it's learnable. (I have been in your place.)

One interesting book is "Give and Take" by Adam Grant. This is a business book that was "big" 2-3 years ago. It does address this point to some extent. (I think it's a deeply flawed book that, nevertheless, has a number of interesting points. He never does argue his conclusion. The reasoning is all circular.)

Any of the books on negotiation by Roger Fisher ("Getting to Yes" and derivatives) really help too. The purpose of his model is to reach agreements that meet both parties needs rather than just your own - so looking out for other's is a big plus. The book "Getting Together: Building Relationships as We Negotiate" is excellent and directly relevant to polyamory. (This is what we are doing, right?)

In your place, I think I would not have restarted my relationship until he told her. He'd get sick of me asking "did you tell her yet?". I think that's all I would change.

The first link is down right now while we update the site! Here's our petition to support relationship diversity

https://airtable.com/shrdP9C8TTR7Vdm8e

We're also on Facebook and Twitter @Div44CNM if you guys want to see the latest stuff when it posts!

There's an absolutely fantastic book that addresses jealousy and insecurity: "Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy" https://www.amazon.com/dp/1944934987/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glt_fabc_VA90V9V4GQX2B5QQQN81

Personally, jealousy is there to remind us that something is wrong! The problem with poly is that it will greatly amplify one's own jealousy issues greatly. I found the above book extremely helpful!

Your wife cheated on you, friend. And it's okay to acknowledge that. It doesn't matter her sexuality, it doesn't matter that there was kink involved, it was cheating.

Now, kink and poly tend to go together quite often (most of my friends and all of partners are both kinky and poly), so there are definitely a lot of resources out there if you want to give it a try. I'd recommend starting with Power Circuits, if that's what you desire.

But it's also okay to not desire this.

Remember, a poly relationship is built on, above everything TRUST. If you are dishonest with your primaries, you're violating the trust of multiple people!

I read a book recently, Predictably Irrational (highly recommended), which has a section about how we THINK we know how we'd react in various situations (e.g. arousal) but we're actually very wrong.

My advice is one of two things:

1.) Be honest with your primaries and get it over with. If you feel you can't be honest with them, then perhaps you need to rethink your relationship with them.

2.) Remove yourself from situations where you could be tempted to do something wrong. Your self control is not as strong as you think it is.

I don't know if it's supposed to be allegorical, but this strikes me as messy and like it's actually obfuscating the way the different relationships relate. There's fairly standard ways to compose 4-way Venn diagrams.

It's also pretty easy to reason about verbally: every time you add a new person to relationship, you add a copy of all the connections that includes that person, so the complexity doubles from this perspective.

Yep. I've said it before and I'll say it again: whenever the topic of rules comes up on /r/polyamory, the responses always make me think of this.

You’ve already done a service by explaining to him some reasons behind the break-up. At this point it’s more important to take care of yourself.

You should seek professional help for the self harm, but also checkout the book, “feeling good” the new mood therapy by David D. Burns, M.D. Amazon has a feel sample

Also heres an episode of the Multiamory podcast directly related to break-up that I’ve found very helpful myself.

70 - Polyamorous Breakups

It's hard to be reassuring when you don't know where things are going or what might be important to you in future. Really hard.

I might go with these things: you can't change how you feel but you can and will control how you behave while you explore these ideas within yourself, and ultimately you want both of you to get the things you need most out of relationships (romantic and otherwise).

Also - take a break from poly-specific material and go read about Nonviolent Communication, or possibly Ury's "Getting to Yes" which is a bit more concretely about collaborative negotiating. Build a framework to be a good listener and supporter, because those are valuable skills, and you can be kind to your partner with them no matter what you ultimately decide to do.

Most cities list their events on meetup.com. Search for "polyamory"+your city. In all of the "public" poly-specific events I've been to, blatantly trying to find sexual partners is frowned upon. When I ran a couple of events a few years ago, we had one guy show up several times. I was about to boot him - because he was creeping me the fuck out - when he stopped showing up.

Following the link from /u/shak3well, there's a tool to search all Mastadon servers and there I found an LGBTQ mastadon. Maybe that's one that fits?

There's sometimes some debate if poly people are lgbtq, but there's also quite some overlap between lgbtq and poly people.

Meetup.com worked well for us here in Knoxville, TN, USA. There was nothing organized at first so I just created one and let it happen. In less than a year we have 30+ people come to monthly activities.

I don't know how to solve your scarcity issues, but Chrome is actually incredibly easy to install on Ubuntu. Chrome has a distribution for Ubuntu.

Just go here: https://www.google.com/chrome/browser/desktop/

Download it. Open the '.deb' file with Software Center and install it.

If you get lost, this might help: http://askubuntu.com/questions/510056/how-to-install-google-chrome

Pretty much the exact opposite of your post is a good start!

Okay, in seriousness though, I’m going to say “study up on nonmonogamy and poly and swinging etc”, really see which parts of each resonate most, and try to see if one sounds “the most right”… Then look for INDIVIDUAL partners looking for the same thing. Who knows what form your nonmono relationships will take? So many possibilities!

As far as book recommendations, I’m going to come from left field and say the best way to look into STARTING in Polyamory is The Polyamory Breakup Book. It has a ton of stories of real life poly people from the start to end of their relationships… it can give you a better window into what day to day poly life is than really any of the true “introductory” Poly books will. That said, follow it up with Designer Relationships, or maybe Polysecure, and you’ll at least know what the other polyfolk are talking about when you hit the next meetup in your area.

I have bought two of these in the last 5 years. For different rooms. And I've slept on both for several months at a time. The single is rated to 1200 lb. You unfold it and screw in six screws that have handles you can hand turn. It took me 10 minutes by myself and most of that was getting it in the right spot.

And it's high enough for plenty of storage space beneath. I can get a litter of kittens or three grown cats under there at same time. You can also get several storage boxes under there.

I don't make any money from it I'm just satisfied customer.

Steel bed frame on Amazon

It might help to explicitly set aside time for brainstorming, and make it clear decisions are not being made at this time. What we want and need changes radically over time, but it can help to imagine all the possible scenarios beforehand. Rather than taking positions of "I want/don't want XYZ," instead "what if it looked like XYZ, what do we like or not about this scenario?" Brainstorm lots of scenarios, and keep track of what your common ground is, and by the time a decision needs to be made you can create a solution that meets everyone's needs. Google interest-based negotiation and the book Getting to Yes for how to have conversations based on uncovering interests rather than focusing on positions.

In other words, rather than making a decisionnow, focus on developing the values and criteria for decision-making.

A part of this technique involves asking not "what do you want" questions but rather "why"? I'd be very curious why she wants poly if she thinks life plans witb one partner means dropping the other one. I'm also curious why you think poly means big cohabitating families, when there are lots of poly folks who are single parents or who split time between households. Both of you are focused on imagined solutions ratber than the interests, values and priorities for decision-making.

Why did you bold the word 'committed'? 'Being committed' is not synonymous with 'having sex'. Sexual fidelity may be part of the commitment you make with partners, but commitment need not have anything at all to do with sex. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/committed%20relationship

I have my money, my wife has hers. As long as we're both meeting our agreed to obligations, bills are getting paid, etc - then what we spend the rest on is up to us as individuals. If I go out on a date I'm using my money on it.

Assuming your finances are mixed - then create a budget (plug for YNAB, PM me for referral code) where you each get $X amount of discretionary spending. If one person wants to spend theirs on dates and the other wants to buy themselves a new game with theirs, then that's up to them.

I don't worry too much about spending $X with one partner and $Y with another. Everyone has different needs and circumstances (that's what makes poly great right?) so as long as you're not going overbudget and everyone is happy then that's all that matters. Some people like a bouquet of flowers, others just want some time set aside for a voice call. Some want to go out to dinner, others are cool cuddling with Netflix. There's no hard and fast rule - needs, priorities and communication are key.

>I really think we should acknowledge that given the culture of hysteria surrounding herpes there are definitely benefits to not knowing

Refusing to talk about herpes adds to the stigma. Only identifying people that are symptomatic, adds to the stigma. If more people that were asymptomatic were identified, more people would see that most of the time herpes infections are very mild. But instead we only hear about worst case symptomatic herpes cases so that's what we assume all herpes infections are like. Hiding and refusing to talk about herpes spreads misinformation and fear.

>The CDC acknowledges that the psychological trauma far outweighs any realistic health problems and recommends against testing in most cases,

Here is a very large study that showed this

> HSV-2 diagnosis by type-specific serological testing did not result in long-term psychosocial harm in most persons without an identified history of genital herpes. Concerns about sustained emotional impact should not deter clinicians from offering HSV-2 serological testing to appropriate patients.

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/51635631_Herpes_simplex_virus_type_2_serological_testing_and_psychosocial_harm_A_systematic_review

"opening up" is pretty good.

https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X

I like polysecure it's more of a deep dive into polyamory and attachment theory.

https://www.amazon.com/Polysecure-Attachment-Trauma-Consensual-Nonmonogamy/dp/1944934987

A few additional materials to support some of the Author's points.

amazon.com/dp/B01DQ20WOC/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&amp;btkr=1 The Game Changer: A Memoir of Disruptive Love" by our old friend Frank V. While he has largely been written off as being abusive and bad, these experiences did happen at the echelon's of the community.

PolySecure, by Jess Fern, in which she discusses the inherent insecurity of consensually non-monogamous relationships, which is pretty related to the above study's investigation into longevity/commitment, etc.

I wonder how much of this is NRE and how much might also be an anxious attachment style? Are you familiar with attachment theory in adult relationships? The book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment is excellent and speaks to many of these issues.

To the OP:

It would, I suspect, do you great strides to read the chapters of Dan Ariely's "Predictably Irrational" that discuss research Ariely did on how sexual tension and arousal affect the decision making process. Point being; it's possible -- even likely -- that at some point your SO and your metamour (your SO's OSO) will at some point, in the 'heat of the moment' make a decision they would not normally make, perhaps even believing (at the time) that you would be okay with it.

Point being; people get dumb when they get in the thick of things. It would help to understand that, just in case the worst happens.

I'd recommend reading some articles, find a support group(MeetUp.com has some) and create very strong agreements. While it sounds good, and can be very positive, the foundations of your primary relationship must be bilateral, mutual and always respectful. One cannot enter into this lifestyle to please one's partner, this will lead to great pain and struggles if you do. As with all relationships, boundaries are the key to success. Ask yourselves, Why am I doing this? What do I hope to experience? How can this help or harm my primary relationships? Proceed with caution. Wishes for happiness and success.

I was about to post the same comment, but instead I'll just post a link to it on Amazon.

> In talking about these things I have made comments that have not pleased her, and she says she feels smothered and controlled.

This, like /u/cobalt_bella said, is text-book avoidant. You are both growing closer and closer but at some point, there comes a time when things become too close and a withdrawal/distancing starts. This commonly plays out with avoidants finding faults in their partner and magnifying them such that they focus on that instead of the good things they like about their partner. These faults are a way to put a damper on their relationship so that feeling of vulnerability and dependence lessens.

Also, five months seems about what I've personally experienced in my struggles with avoidance.

This resource from The Jealousy Workbook might help you figure out your relationship orientation.

It sounds like you’ve done some of the work to untangle monogamous ways of thinking, but you still might be holding on to some ideas about love you were taught by a monogamous society. The Jealousy Workbook is a good resource to help identifying those beliefs and giving you ways to change them. My girlfriend has used a copy of the book to lead discussions about jealousy in our local poly support group.

My boyfriend and I have tried Out of Milk, and my parents have tried Our Groceries. (I provided the Android links, but they're also available for iOS.)

Google Keep isn't bad either, if you don't need an app specifically for groceries.

Getting a divorce definitely helps in separating titles from self-identity 🤪

https://lifehacker.com/use-the-ford-technique-to-make-small-talk-easier-5937348 is how many people make small talk but small talk is just small talk. I now make it a game to avoid family and occupation as talking points. Recreation and dreams is just so much more interesting as conversation fodder.

Here's a copy of my annotated bibliography. If I get a chance after finals and everything, I'll write up something a little more succinct. This project evolved into a seminar paper on polyamory in the life and work of Hemingway, so I don't have anything specifically summing up this research.

Also, scroll to the bottom for a poly graph that I made based on some of the Bloomsbury group.

We use Life360 and Cozi. Both are Family Apps and are awesome for poly. They are designed for both android and apple and a couple others.

Life360 is a family tracking and messaging app. I can see where all my partners are, get driving directions and initiate a family call or mass text message. It also has really neat emergency functions like a panic mode that will call everyone and let them know you are in trouble. http://www.life360.com/

Cozi allows family calendaring shared journaling, shopping lists, to do lists, meal planning and a lot more. http://www.cozi.com/

The only way would be BitTorrent. I'm a fan of idope.se as far as public sites go.

Season one -

magnet:?xt=urn:btih:5c30ffa2395a44128a3a9b4d3fd437d248e90236

And a search for season 2 episode 1 when it comes out. It's nonsense that they expect you to subscribe to their service just to view this one show...

Ditto on reading the Ethical Slut, The Art & Etiquette of Polyamory, and Listal actually has a really good "bookshelf" on polyamory from a multitude of viewpoints: http://www.listal.com/list/polyamory-books

Also, little shameless self-promotion, I maintain a blog about my bisexual, poly life at www.biwife.onsugar.com

Google hangouts uses https for the web based change (https://hangouts.google.com). You could create an account with false user data to avoid any problems.

You can use it in groups.

You can do voice and video.

I'm unsure if there are iOS or windows apps for this, but it's native to android.

Trying to bring others into your relationship is the biggest fuck-up you could make. You will either get frustrated trying or someone or everyone will end up hurt, and there’s a big risk you’ll damage your current relationship, too: https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/

But it’s good that you’re asking about “safe” polyamory structures. The answer is that there aren’t any. Once you’re in the land of polyamory, structural protection gets really weak and you need to rely on strength and quality of your relationship. Read this: https://www.amazon.com/Polysecure-Attachment-Trauma-Consensual-Nonmonogamy/dp/1944934987

> in a state of scarce resources and competition for them (the condition under which humans and proto-humans have lived for the vast majority of their genetic history) there is certain evolutionary pressures to ensure that the offspring you're caring for are yours

You might enjoy this book which kinda uses as a premise that gender inequality and monogamy developed along with wealth surpluses and concepts like inheritance. Kids being yours doesn’t necessarily matter when tribal survival is about how many kids overall survive (and it is interesting to note that many disparate, highly separated, studied hunter-gatherer societies have ritualistic group-sex practices that are identified by members of the tribe as having the goal of confusing child paternity even when they generally practice monogamous pairbonding). Kids being yours seems to matter more when you want to give only your kids stuff.

Which is to say, pressures for monogamy can be argued to require a certain level of surplus where wealth accumulation is possible. Which, yeah, is still economic scarcity cause not everyone can have everything, but it’s not widespread subsistence living either.

One approach would be to hook up a small FM transmitter to the TV. Many smartphones can receive FM with an app, so you'd just have everyone tune to the right frequency and use their own phones and headphones.

Something like this:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00BRSQ5MQ

If you just want a 3 way headphone splitter you can google tree headphone splitters Ex. https://www.amazon.com/Kikkerland-US005-W-White-Branch-Splitter/dp/B0042RVAD8 can’t speak to that one in particular but I have an identical design which my friends have borrowed at a few points

I recommend low-set metal bed frames. They're a bit to climb out of, but the shorter legs means less rocking. Here's the one we use at home and it has survived three years of group sleeping and group hanky panky with no signs of wear. Also they're inexpensive enough that you're not breaking the bank replacing them.

https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B01M1SC9DS

For mattresses, memory foam. NEVER use a spring mattress or a boxspring. IKEA's slat bases are way more durable in the longterm than a boxspring.

Compatibility is extremely rare. You have to be open to it to find it.

I don't know specifically for your location, but in my experience OkCupid is the best.

This might help too.

Playing Fair: A Guide to Nonmonogamy for Men into Women (Thorntree Fundamentals) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1944934383/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_EDXDCb95FBK5K

There are some books you could read such as <em>The Ethical Slut</em> or <em>More Than Two</em> as well as a lot of podcasts and blogs.

Communication is vitally important, you probably know that though :) Needs, desires, and boundaries. And be willing to talk about how you DO feel, even if you think you "shouldn't" feel that way. Time management is important too — make sure nobody feels neglected. I live with my wife, and my girlfriend is 40 miles away, which makes things tricky.

As far as giving advice goes, it'd help to know what specific challenges you've encountered, or what you're worried about. I'd be happy to talk about my experience in those areas.

You might find this book interesting, it's about intersectionality in polyamory, particularly as it regards to race, and the authors are both Black and polyam:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B079Y5FPSB/

I wrote a rebuttal to the piece here: https://medium.com/@chrismessina/_-_-35030d3979d4

I'm very disappointed with how little of my interview they used, and how simplistically they portrayed my perspective.

I can't help it, whenever anyone brings up rules on /r/polyamory, it always makes me think of this.

That said, my partners and I don't have many explicit rules. The big one between me and my husband is that we'll always honor our marital vows to one another. If we feel pressure on that, it's time to have a talk.

Here's a copy of my annotated bibliography. If I get a chance after finals and everything, I'll write up something a little more succinct. This project evolved into a seminar paper on polyamory in the life and work of Hemingway, so I don't currently have anything summing up this research.

Also, scroll to the bottom for a poly graph that I made based on some of the Bloomsbury group.

That’s a totally fair need. One last piece of media this time about men and conflict:

https://lifehacker.com/how-men-can-learn-to-have-healthier-conflict-with-divo-1826417450

I loved the podcast made out of this but this was the easiest to link

So I've had a bit of a crazy two weeks.

It all started on Friday the 12th.

Saw an occasional lover I hadn't seen in a while. We had a good time.

Decided to go to a social event for introverted poly and kinky people at the CSPC. Event encourages gaming, etc. Sat down for a game of magic, ended up beating a girl with her own magic cards.. then we talked for 3-3.5 hours.

Next day ran into again at vendor fair at the CSPC and talked for like another two hours.

Then went to another social that night - knew she was coming, but fashionably late. Got chatted up by another cute poly woman. Then MTG-Girl showed up right as Girl #2 left ... we ended up monopolizing each others time for another several hours. Then went to after party and ended up making out for hours.

Sunday I say something flirtatious to NewGirl #2 ... aaaaaand things just quickly got naughty. We are now scheduled to see each other early next month.

Then tuesday i am testing with my ex-gf ... aaaand find out she misses me. aaand i end up getting her back as an occasional lover. Scheduled time to see each other. Then that night MTG-Girl and I end up cuddling and making out more, and more ...

Then thursday MTG-girl and I end up seeing each other more.

Saturday my wife and I went and played at the CSPC.

then yesterday MTG-girl and I went hiking. ( picture I took on the hike ) https://500px.com/photo/93366401/twentytwo-creek-falls-by-derek-m

tl;dr - Met a new lady who looks to be a GF, met another potential play partner, got former GF back as occasional lover. When the fuck did i become so popular?

I'm always wondering why people are nervous about having their partners meet each other (maybe besides picking the wrong board game – Junta would probably have been a bad choice). All of them have something in common: You. There is a high probability that they will get along quite nicely (as long as everybody has been dealing honestly with each other and nobody is getting into something they didn't wholeheartedly agree on). (Side effect: My experience shows that anything else but mutual sympathy between partners is a good forecast of the viability of a relationship with a new partner after NRE running out.) Conclusion: Congratulations – it seems you found someone with the potential for something lasting.

There are two every month, first and 3rd Fridays in South Bay and Peninsula. They get announced here: http://www.meetup.com/SFBayAreaPolyDiscussion/ and here: https://groups.google.com/forum/#!forum/openrelationshipcommunity

Have you read much about emotional labour?

As far as boundaries go I stumbled across the idea of making rules for myself somewhere, about what sort of relationships I'm willing to participate in, how I'm willing to behave in them, etc. I found that to be an extremely helpful exercise for thinking about what I my boundaries are and should be, and what I actually need and value. I've never actually showed the list to anyone, and it's under constant revision. It's been a great way of figuring out where I lack healthy boundaries though, and helping me clarify what those missing boundaries should be.

I found creeping captain awkward really helpful in terms of understanding what healthy boundaries might look like, and for getting some scripts for drawing boundaries with people.

In this situation, I can recommend reading Jenny Block's "Open".

You can get a taste of her story and thinking on it here: http://www.yourtango.com/2006130/portrait-of-an-open-marriage-2.html

Although I strongly recommend buying the book (I did), a little googling and I found a copy online: http://hotfile.com/dl/36574910/50e4e86/12ThePoet12.rar.html

The password for that RAR is "ThePoet".

Izzy, I would actually love to get a forum going on PolyonPurpose, and it is part of my long-term plan. I recently started a Patreon campaign for PolyamoryonPurpose, and while it isn't publicly visible of my two stretch goals for the campaign is to build a forum if/when the campaign reaches $250 a month.

Since there is apparently a lot more interest in a forum than I thought, I'll make that goal publicly visible on the Patreon page, and you are welcome to share it with everyone who is interested.

As much as I want to get a forum added, I am already at the absolute limit of the time and resources I can commit to the website without taking necessary time away from work and family. If I can get some income from the site, then I can cut back on work (I'm self-employed) and start seriously adding some resources.

(My other stretch goal is to start publishing a PolyonPurpose guide every 3 months.)

Podcasts: Polyamory in the City Polyamory Weekly Life on the Swingset Pedestrian Polyamory

Movies: Bandits

TV: Sense 8

There are a ton more.

See also: http://www.listal.com/list/poly-movies

I've been on and off okc since 2009. I'm at an interesting place in my poly life that I'm newly married, and have my needs meet to the point where dating isn't at the forefront of my priorities.

Teasing the previously street cred wielding snookums of a wife is highly entertaining, though.

My profile. Btw, if anybody wants to watch me strip this weekend in Philly in a drag and burlesque show, message me!

i'm a f who came into what was previously a m-m relationship, and i've never felt like i'm left out or ganged up on.

admittedly it probably helps that we all fuck each other rather than it being a v.

Tangentially related:

> Don’t use GCal as a method of communicating new plans or change in plans. Instead, communicate using an effective dialogue method, and let GCal simply serve as a written record of consensus. It’s no fun for anyone to be informed that plans have changed by an automated machine message.

I use Loomio to create a written record of discussions and decisions. Obviously there is offline dialog too, but I find this helps to keep things straight.

I had this in my Amazon cart when my triad split. I was thinking I would put it over the top of the headboard or something 🤷🏻‍♀️

SIMBOOM Bedside Caddy Organizer Thickened Felt Anti-Slip, Convinient Bed Sofa Desk Hanging Organizer for Waterbottle, Phone, iPad, Magazines, Remotes - Dark Grey https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B07MT5YDPB/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_TZJK26W0M4JWCTM3199N

So that's a "no. I don't know how conversation or the internet work"

Got it. Best of luck figuring out basic human social skills. Most people figure them out this point in life but there's no shame in being behind the curve.

Since you're not quite grasping this "how to use the internet" thing, I can Google (it's a website) some books for you on how to understand social situations.

How about this one?

https://www.amazon.com/Communication-Skills-Dummies-Elizabeth-Kuhnke/dp/1118401247/

Basically. I've tried over 20 different bird/mouse/feather/tinsel/etc toys and for some reason my cats have never gotten bored of these specific mice. I have refills on permanent regular shipping from Amazon because they get so destroyed.

My current (and previous) cats regularly run until panting exhaustion to catch these things. Never seen it before with any other toy. If you already have it, you're 5 steps ahead! :D

Read, Read, Read! Before attempting a Poly relationship it definitely helps to know what you're getting into. There are a few good books about there that really break down ethical non monogamy in general. I recommend starting here:

https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379

cuddling is pretty fucking fun. 6 people in a queen is actually not that crowded. I mean... I would not call it spacious but if you get into a bed with two humans already in it ... well you should not be looking for space at that moment anyway.

also, bed bridges are a thing. https://www.amazon.ca/FeelAtHome-Premium-Bridge-Twin-Converter/dp/B07C2TQRVN

the straps are just straps and under a mattress, they can even be tied together.

I found this yesterday after making my own post here, and ordered it for myself. Link, in case OP is interested. https://www.amazon.com/dp/0937609633/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glt_fabc_89N5QAC1NNXB50P4BY7Y

The book "Opening Up" had the interviewee statistics in the back. On Amazon, go to "Look Inside!" and jump to page 337 (link: https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X)

Here's the Amazon link.

/u/kikicollins, I would say that it gives some insight into the types of attachment but at times it really does feel like it's making avoidant types out to be the bad (typically) guy. They tell several stories about a person that is dating an avoidant and don't care much about them but instead follow the path of the non-avoidant. It's like, hey, avoidants need love too!

Yes! I've tried two, 1-time-use Softcups, which you can find on amazon and/or in local stores. They work pretty well, but I hate having to throw them away. I find these even work better for catching blood than most other cups I've tried. Two months back I got an Intimina, which I bought on Amazon. I've only used it for sex on maybe 3 occasions? It worked extremely well one time, alright results the other times. More testing is clearly needed!

Worth mentioning, none of my partners have ever felt either during sex. It's important to check that they're sitting/inserted properly right before sex. And sometimes when changing the Intimina it can be difficult to get back in because it doesn't bounce back the same way that other harder plastic cups do.

I think this book is great:

https://www.amazon.com/Its-Called-Polyamory-Nonmonogamous-Relationships/dp/1944934421

It was published about 6 months ago. It deserves to be better known than it is.

Talk to them. Joking, assumptions, innuendo and anxiety are no substitute for direct communication. Flirting is fun, but it's not a substitute for honesty. When it comes up, ask for a set aside time to discuss your relationships without the joking. Let them know thag you feel vulnerable broaching it, and ask for a ground rule to just listen first to each of you without interruptions, then have a dialogue. Tell them how these conversations make you feel, what you want, and what your fears are. Ask them the same. Talk about multiple scenarios that would make you all happy, from friendship to full blown poly. What clarity do you each need to be confident and reduce fear in each scenario? What questions can't be answered now, but you all need to consider and discuss again? When will you do that? How can you each feel safe interrupting your jokes when questions or concerns surface?

If they are unwilling to have open conversations about this, take it as a warning. It sounds like they care about you yet dominate your dynamic a little, which is fine if consensual, but it could turn manipulative if it causes you anxiety or fear of speaking up for yourself, or if you suppress your needs to not rock the boat.

You all are young and experimenting, which is great. You can create whatever relationship will make you all happy. Whether or not you pursue poly or just clarify the boundaries of your friendship, learning to take anxiety as a cue for needed communication will serve you well in all relationships in the.future --personal, professional, etc. Books on nonviolent communication, Getting to Yes, etc. can be helpful.

Good luck!

Kinda unrelated, but human bias is incredibly interesting. We know there can be exceptions to trends, but even when we have plenty of evidence that X example is an exception to Y trend we struggle to accept that. I believe this is discussed in Kahneman's 'Thinking, Fast and Slow'... our brains rely on generalisations so that we don't have to overthink every single decision we make, but these generalisations can cause unfortunate biases. It's been a while since I read that book though, so it might be discussed to as great a degree as I remember it lol.

I was going to recommend that; I think it took also reading Living Nonviolent Communication to make sense to me, though.

Also, the negotiation book Getting to Yes, not as relevant to friendships but classic for good reason.

Also if you haven't read More Than Two, it's likely closer to your perspective than the others, and has a lot of citations.

Love isn't enough, not without compatibility and communication skills. Basically, you're looking at tackling communication, to find out if you have or could have the compatibility now / in the long term.

For other words about what you're communicating, I'd check the guide for secondary partners. In terms of how to communicate and be heard, Nonviolent Communication and Getting to Yes are both very helpful. The first goes through the emotions, the second kind of sets them aside, in a search for consensus or compromise.

Lastly, to reference your fourth point and pull something from Getting to Yes, you have to know what your plan is if the other side won't negotiate. Not to threaten others with, but to strengthen your own will, and to make comparisons - is what I'm being offered better than what I could get that's within my own power to control?

Also, something about humans. First loves, first relationships, any high point seems like something we might never reach again. It's terrifying to let go when you won't find that thing again. But, express yourself and your expectations. You know yourself better now. If these people aren't able to step up for you, you'll find something better.

Oh for fuck's sake. The number of people chirping here about "simple" it is to "just talk" is not helpful for people who genuinely struggle with communication. It is very easy to make things worse by talking, not better, if you aren't smart about your approach.

I would second the "Getting to Yes" rec and also check out Marshall Rosenberg's Non-Violent Communication and pretty much all of Harriet Lerner's books. Also check out Michelle Garcia Winner's social thinking website (http://www.socialthinking.com) and the interpersonal communication section of any DBT workbook. The DEAR MAN method has been incredibly effective for me as a format for asserting my needs and boundaries.

Most of these resources also deal at least in part with figuring out your needs and emotions, which is just as critical, if not more so, than the actual ask.

If you want to look at the jealous feelings, I recommend Labriola's Jealousy Workbook. If you want to be better at communicating/negotiating, there's lots of good stuff out there, I've found Getting to Yes useful and am reading a book on nonviolent communication right now.

If it helps, these are all common feelings, and it's also a common mistake to think the gender of a partner's partner (or your having a relationship with her) will prevent them from coming up.

I'm not sure how you ended up jumping in so deep so fast, but if you need space from her girlfriend (and not to live with the girlfriend!!), that would likely be better for everyone. You might or might not end up comfortable with your partner being poly. Both are okay. Safe space to figure yourself out is not unreasonable to ask.

> First of all thanks for all the poly vocab lesson.

No problem! Happy to help.

> Also, I did not know Stoicism was a thing. I mean, I know people try to control their emotions sometimes but to have a lifestyle built around it is a novel and interesting concept to me.

Yep, it's definitely very interesting. Another nice facet of Stoicism is that we stop taking things for granted. It makes us appreciate things we have much more.

Anyway, if you're interested, I'd recommend A Guide to the Good Life. This is pretty much how I got started in it.

> No questions, just a comment; If you wait to be financially stable to have a child the day may never come. At least that's what I've heard.

A big reason why I'm attracted to poly in the first place is that you're much more likely to be financially stable. Especially when you have the polycule pooling together moneywise.

The two relevant points here are:

1. Your boundary: ‘you’re not comfortable with kissing someone who performs oral-to-anal’

The rest of information is you’re trying to justify why, but it’s not necessary. The more you explain the more prejudice it shows.

1. Your partner breaking the agreement you had. That’s a separate issue. That’s not a light thing and I would redirect your lack of trust towards your partners, and no other people cleaning practices.

Our opinion on rimming is irrelevant. It’s about your level of comfort, which is perfectly fine, some people are my comfortable with oral either.

There’s a great medical professional Jack Morin PhD MD https://www.amazon.es/Anal-Pleasure-Health-Guide-Couples/dp/0940208377/ref=nodl_ who talks about anal sex in general but also about taboos and psychological side of it, definitely recommend.

So you marriage is what? A year old?

And her other is marriage is what? 12 yeas old at the max? Or the relationship is 12 years but the marriage is less?

If this was a person, would you expect the same things from a 1 year old toddler and a 12 yr old 6th grader?

And even with the 6th grader... would you expect them to be like a 20 year old, 30 year old?

Kinda sounds like wife needs to adjust her expectations.

>It just feels like shes had all this time with her other husband and when hes away for work and im there an she expects me to be able to do what he does and I simply cant. Im not him and hes not me.

And it is not reasonable or fair to expect you to have the same skills. You and her other husband aren't the same people. You are separate DIFFERENT people.

>Its been a battle with long distance in the first half of our relationship and different communication styles

You don't actually say what the two styles are? Is one a "feeler" and the other a "thinker?" Is one "assertive" and the other "passive" style? How about conflict resolution?

In general. you might think about reading about Marshall Rosenberg's non-violent communication. There's several books but I liked this one best.

&#x200B;

Living Nonviolent Communication: Practical Tools to Connect and Communicate Skillfully in Every Situation by Marshall Rosenberg Ph.D.

Pretty sure it’s this one. I also highly recommend it!

https://www.amazon.com/Jealousy-Workbook-Exercises-Insights-Relationships/dp/B08QZYYMMT/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?adgrpid=120538753854&amp;gclid=Cj0KCQiAkMGcBhCSARIsAIW6d0Bd9fRHeyIscq19A-1lHNWx_Xbc0eW1uuX9UdypK9D3HI1paWmkjx0aAjIUEALw_wcB&amp;hvadid=617135133...

That’s called breaking up and becoming friends.

https://www.amazon.com/Polyamory-Breakup-Book-Prevention-Survival/dp/1944934812/ref=nodl_?dplnkId=ad60b303-272c-4807-b5f3-205c50f3d2f8

This is a polyam-focused break up book.

De-escalation is where you change your relationship, by mutual desire and negotiation, while still maintaining a loving/committed/romantic (if that’s your thing)/sexual (if that’s your thing) relationship (whatever that looks like to you).

You spoke clearly of breaking up. And you are now friends. You might have some mixed feels about this. That, to me, is always a sign that I need a little more distance before exploring a friendship, but some folks feel differently.

Its not focused on wlw sex but this has a good amount of info about STI transmision in general and in open/polyamorous relationships. I liked it because it avoids the fearmongering that sometimes sorrounds the conversation around STIs and safe(r) sex.

https://www.amazon.com/-/es/gp/product/B07PH44T1T?ref\_=dbs\_p\_pwh\_rwt\_anx\_cl\_2&amp;storeType=ebooks

Not nearly as big as some of the other books listed here, but I actually wrote a speculative fiction novel centered around polyamory: Constellations

Otherwise, N.K. Jemisin's Broken Earth series is phenomenal and has some ethically non-monogamous characters.

(1) your written English is very good; no need to apologize for that.

(2) Having BPD *and* being monogamously-oriented with a poly girlfriend is a big challenge, so props to you for making the effort.

(3) Lots of guys have a hard time when their wife/girlfriend starts dating a man. The urge to compare is natural - not healthy for you, but natural and expected. Is it toxic masculinity? Technically yes, but that's not a flaw in you as an individual. Men are socially conditioned to compete with each other, and it is difficult to get past that.

(4) Do you have a therapist? I know it's sometimes hard to get into DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) but it makes living with BPD a lot easier. If you don't have access to a therapist, this book is really really good: https://www.amazon.com/9-Steps-Mastering-Borderline-Personality-Disorder/dp/1999422716

It's written by a male psychologist who has BPD himself, so he knows what he's talking about.

It's true that attachment is a well researched topic, but it is worth noting that the very best research we have on attachment is with very small children. Adu relationships are much, much more complicated and the picture is murkier.

I think attachment can be a useful way to conceptualise some relationship patterns, but there isn't really gold-standard evidence that we all have one "type". It's more likely that people's attachment behaviour can vary in different relationships.

I know lots of people who have found your linked book helpful, but it's not a peer-reviewed study and the research on this is still evolving.

If it's helpful for you - great! Not everything needs to be 100% proven to be useful.

But if you're interested in the science, I would recommend Chris Fraley and his (definitely drier) book over Attached. He tends to advocate for attachment theory in adults, but as he points out, the research relies heavily on self-assessment and self-reporting (notoriously unideal measures) and on the assumption that adult romantic relationships have similar functionality to infant-caretaker relationships. There is some evidence for this, but nowhere near enough for us to group people in the way that Levine's book does.

Agree with u/baconstreet -- OKC is the best in the DC Area. I think it's pretty common for people on other apps (and in the world in general) to assume that poly = random casual sex. You will get used to that. Occasionally I try to educate, mostly I just unmatch.

There are poly meetups throughout the DC metro area -- check meetup.com.

This is your wife's issue. She needs to address her maladaptive jealousy as it is apparently wreaking havoc on multiple important relationships. Hopefully she recognizes this (you say she realizes some of her reactions are off). Keep pointing this out, start demanding she behave more reasonably. You don't deserve someone who is jealous of your sister (?!?!). Her tantrums are not yours to address. Like all tantrums, let them take their course, keep your cool. And while you search for a sex-poly-positive therapist for her, I'd recommend you get her the Jealousy Workbook. https://www.amazon.com/Jealousy-Workbook-Exercises-Insights-Relationships/dp/0937609633