What are /r/AskGaybrosOver30's favorite Products & Services?

From 3.5 billion Reddit comments

The book is called Being Homosexual by Richard Isay. The part that you missed and is often overlooked is that while we are "stunted" because we "revert" to adolescence when we come out and start dating, we can "catch up" to our straight peers if we work at it.

The main reason why we might not catch up is that many guys (too many) in their 20s and 30s try to jump into an LTR instead of actually learning how to date and never figure out what everyone else figured out in high school.

My advice to anyone coming out later than 20, date... a lot... more than one guy at a time if you can. Don't even try to get serious with anyone. Do this for 5-6 years after you are publicly out to both friends and family. Give yourself the time to go through gay adolescence. You'll save yourself a lot of grief.

Obviously, there will be exceptions to this and I'm sure I'll get responses that start with "I met my partner right after I came out and we've been together for XX years." But... as a general rule, it's a good one.

Well-put! I also think we can be more guarded. Brene Brown’s work on vulnerability and whole-heartedness has helped me work on this.

She says trying to conform to what we think other people want (e.g., striving to show how stable you are) leads to shame and unhappiness.

She says wholehearted people aim to share their authentic selves with people who have shown them that they are worthy of this.

She talks about this in her audiobook The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connection, and Courage.

If you think you might be too picky when it comes to guys, check out this vid from Dan Savage on the price of admission and see if it resonates. The basic idea is that it’s good to cut a significant other some slack for small things if things that are of greater significance to you are good. He gives examples.

Edit: typo

Single for...jeepers I don't even remember, 11 years? I did an 8 year relationship, that ended, dated, decided it wasn't for me and stopped dating. I realized just really really like being single. With the freedom of being single my life accelerated again and I changed jobs, then took leave to finish my undergrad. Things that I couldn't have done easily if I was in a relationship with someone invested in their career.

It started getting weird a few years ago when married with kids friends would "confide" in me that they're jealous of my life and wish they'd taken my path. I however don't think either is better than the other, we all just need to decide for ourselves what works.

I still use Scruff. I make friends from there. It works quite well actually. I've got a list of guys who want to meet once this covid stuff improves more.

I'm not super sexual so I don't really think about my lack of sex life. To be honest I kind of like never needing an STI screening.

Sex At Dawn is a good read if you want to challenge your preconceptions about pair-bonding.

I've paid for Grindr to get rid of ads. Stopped doing that. I've paid for Scruff to get better search. Helps, but still single. In the past I've paid for Match.com which is a complete and total waste with endless outdated and recycled postings. Pretty dismal out there. Just a big scam industry.

I think the old adage is true, that you'll find it easier if you stop looking so intently.

Just concentrate on being more social with new people. Join a group of people doing things you enjoy doing. An LGBT group if possible. Meetup.com may be useful.

The dating apps, when they work, cut out some the time and noise of actually meeting and getting to know people a little beforehand. Without dating apps, you actually need to get out there and meet people.

Socialise.

You've listed a lot of "typical gay things" you don't like, but that's fine. You're not the only gay guy who doesn't watch Drag Race.

Concentrate on the things you do like. See if there's a gay group in your area that likes those things (meetup.com works pretty well in my city, lots of results for various "gay $activity"). If you can't find a gay group, just find a group. Meet new people. Enjoy yourself.

Sitting there thinking you're the only one who isn't "that kind of gay" won't get you anywhere. And it isn't true :)

If you and your husband's social and leisure interests overlap, go to them together. You might also see if there are any social clubs for folks that have grown out of the bar scene--or start one yourself on meetup.com. Where I live (Boulder) there are several such groups, and also bimonthly potlucks that are frequented by guys 30-80; some couples, some singles.

I used this style of reusable douche with excellent results. I still have it, but I can't use it anymore as my mangina is rusted shut and covered in cobwebs.

To clean out the entire GI tract at once, you can shove a hand grenade up your ass and pull the pin. Yet another way of dumping all of the bowels contents is to listen to Kenny Gs Duotones album. If I'm constipated I listen to Songbird and the resulting diarrhea is explosive enough to blow a hole in the bottom of the toilet bowl... if I can even make it to the toilet.

There is so much that makes you, you. Passions and talents and hobbies. Explore those deeply and with likeminded folks. There's so much fulfillment there and if/when a good relationship happens, those are all amazing things you'll be able to bring to that table. If no relationship happens, you're still bringing those things to your own life, your friends' and colleagues' lives, your family's (whatever that means for you) lives.

I would recommend an insightful book/audiobook - Out of the Shadows: Reimagining Gay Men's Lives: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07HF2GJ75/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1 The author argues that gay men, queer people in general, have to do a lot of heavy lifting for defining what our lives are because we don't have the script of heteronormativity to fall back on. It can be difficult to define that meaning and purpose for ourselves but once we do, our lives are the MOST fulfilling. Worth a read for sure!

>there are a huge number of complications with meds. Besides being expensive, they cause all sorts of side effects and interactions with other meds.

Right. Here's one tiny complication that many don't know about. <em>The New York Times</em> reported in 2012 that "People with H.I.V. have more than four times the risk of sudden heart attack as their uninfected peers, [as] reported last month in The Journal of the American College of Cardiology." FOUR TIMES. Web MD reported in 2016 that the risk is less than that, more like two times. Both figures are alarming, and doctors don't know exactly why the risk is so high. Some doctors think it's the body's constantly fighting the virus that leads to this higher risk, as the body is essentially attacking itself. Others think it's also the drugs, as heart attacks are quite common with people undergoing chemotherapy. In fact, it's pretty well documented that the HIV drugs cause early aging generally-- including bone density loss (broken hips are quite common) and cognitive impairment. But we're not supposed to talk about the side-effects of these drugs, because people will be scared to go on PreP. If people actually knew that Truvada could cause early aging, how many would readily take it?

I always think of Laura Linney on Frasier who jut ripped people off for a ridiculous fee and matched them with other random clients. I think you can do better than Grindr. I mean if you're looking for a compatible partner, try OK Cupid or Match.com. Using hookup apps are mercenary.

I use the CleanStream shower system. It's quick and easy and have only run into problems maybe 2 or 3 times ever, but that's because I was in a hurry and wasn't paying attention to how much water I was putting inside me.

Yes a high fiber diet should keep you fairly clean but for me it's a psychological thing. I feel better knowing that I am clean as a whistle, which allows me to be present and focus on pleasure, not poop.

Link to the shower system I use: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B002FCN7Y2/ref=redir_mobile_desktop?_encoding=UTF8&amp;aaxitk=b013722e3a57cd5115e49e15000d6ea9&amp;hsa_cr_id=4655777310701&amp;pd_rd_plhdr=t&amp;pd_rd_r=0b76a952-1ef6-4f9c-ac5c-87ae0ebd4a53&amp;pd_rd_w=kzHZz&amp;pd_rd_wg=fT1wR&amp;ref_=sbx_be_s_sparkle_td_asin_0_title

I would rather have the fit version of me, but being fit didn't magically solve my mental health issues. It sounds like you're reluctant to try seeing a therapist. I'm going to suggest reading a book called Three Minute Therapy. It describes a type of therapy called REBT (Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy). The concept behind it is that our mental health issues (depression, anxiety, etc) aren't caused by our problems, but by how we think and feel about our problems. It could be helpful to you. Good luck.

This is what I got for our bed years ago. It's trouble free and doesn't squeak. If you ever need to disassemble it, it's a snap to put back together.

https://www.amazon.com/Knickerbocker-Embrace-Bed-Frame-Black/dp/B019VZW2XC

Fair point. Sorry to hear that the healthcare route isn't available to you right now.

For anxiety, I can recommend the 'Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook', available on Amazon for less than $20. It's a book that's been around for a long time and been through many editions. It's easy to read and put into practice yourself if you apply the discipline:

https://www.amazon.com/Relaxation-Reduction-Workbook-Harbinger-Self-Help-ebook/dp/B07J294RYX

Hope some other folks have other anxiety recommendations and/or depression recommendations for you.

And I hope you're able to find some strategies that give you some relief from your anxiety and depression. They're very difficult to deal with -- you must be having a hard time right now. *hug*

I mostly do meetup.com groups that either outdoors related (i.e. hiking) or board games personally as those are two big interests of mine that are usually well represented on meetup.com. None of those are gay specific. I've also joined some queer specific groups off both meetup and facebook. I know our local lgbt+ center has a book club and weekly 'social' groups. Etc.

You may not like my answer. The other fellows here did some nice recommendations. Perhaps when hitting the dating apps put in your profile that you are looking to date and not just sex right in the first sentence. You might try match.com.

Now the part you may not like. Gay population is between 1 to 10% of the population and scattered out. It may mean you will have to move to a bigger city area that has a gay population. Which I know isn't easy at 50.

The book 'What Color Is Your Parachute?' could be considered the seminal book for this topic. It helps guide you through a process of figuring out what kinds of careers might work best for you, given your personality/interests/work-style/etc., and suggests ways to develop your career in that way, or to shift your career in that new direction.

If you're in the US, here's an Amazon link: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1984856561/

There are probably LGBT groups round and about. You will probably find some if you look on meetup.com. If you have hobbies/interests it may be worth seeing if there's a gay group e.g. gay ramblers / hiking groups etc.

Social interaction for me has always been an issue. Anxiety and depression don't help me either.

&#x200B;

I know your therapist meant well and gave you a plan. But really I think it's a plan to fail. The idea of putting yourself out there isn't to get a touchdown on every try, it's to get you used to those little interactions. It's not a zero sum game. You do get something out of it, you get to be more comfortable when you are out. You can't look at it as a loss, because that will be crushing. People are jerks. You can not let that get you down.

&#x200B;

I think you need to do more targeted interactions. What do you love to do? Somebody else probably likes that as well! Go to Meetup.com, and check for local hobby groups in your area. Look for gay hobby groups-- there are plenty of them there as well. Do you have any causes you support? Volunteer for them. I find volunteering works really well, because you focus on helping someone else.

&#x200B;

Don't give up hope, you're going in the right direction.

Thank you for another thought-provoking and (most particularly) supportive post. I'm beginning to think that we should have a sainthood process on this sub, and I nominate YOU.

&#x200B;

I hesitated to respond to your questions, however, because my romantic relationships have been nothing to write home about. Suffice to say that, yes, one can most definitely be lonely in a relationship. One can also be abused and miserable and trapped in a relationship. Staying in bad relationships because one fears loneliness is the greatest folly out there. I agree with practically everything Brittany Wong writes in her Huffington Post article, &quot;8 Reasons Being Single Is Better Than Being In A Mediocre Relationship&quot;. On the other hand, I'm forever ambivalent about it. I agree with Douglas Coupland's advice: “Remember: the time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself. Life's cruelest irony.” But Honoré de Balzac 's take on it also speaks to me: “Solitude is fine but you need someone to tell that solitude is fine.” So, as usual, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

&#x200B;

I do think that the way I've beat loneliness in the past is focusing on community and lasting close friendships, as well as having meaningful work that takes me outside of myself. When I'm giving to others or applying myself to a cause or a meaningful project, I just can't be bothered worrying about my neediness around loneliness.

I'm Bi and that increases my chances of finding someone and didn't get married until I was 51. I think I tried everything to meet someone bars, church, social groups, ads in newspapers dating adverts.

Tried Match.com twice and didn't get one single date the first time out in Colorado. Moved to another state (not to meet anyone) and tried it again and was within days of my membership expiring when my now wife contacted me. I had decided before then if no one was interested I was done with dating; I did receive in that time a date with a woman that turned out to be married and a couple of dates with a very self-centered gold digger.

I guess part of my fault was being military when gays/bi were banned and had to much time in during DADT so, just chased the women, didn't go for guys until I was out. And I'm partly at fault because I was often assigned or choose to live where the population was low.

I suggest perhaps the mainstream dating sites that are just not for hooking up and be very specific that you are looking for an LTR and permanent relationship.

Dating ain't easy and marriage isn't either. A reporter asked Charleston Heston's wife on their 50th anniversary (considering movie star marriages are often very short) if she had ever considered divorce. She replied "No, not even once. Murder a thousand time."

Grindr is basically decorated XMPP.

Maybe Matrix will one day take over, but I doubt the gay community will be an early adopter, we tend to flock and stick with the biggest player, that's why Grindr can't be overthrown.

When I lived abroad, there was a book series for expats that was great for getting your head around general cultural differences and worldview. Figuring out the underlying views and values helps make the behaviors make a lot more sense. Here’s one they have for Canada. The author is from Quebec and I’m guessing she goes into the differences of Quebec vs. rest of Canada. https://www.amazon.com/Canada-Culture-Smart-Essential-Customs/dp/1857338324

If you’re gonna be there a while, maybe pick up the book on France as well to get another angle on the French aspects. Even if they’ve had time to diverge, it will be similar to England’s effect on US and Spain’s effect on Central and South America.

Either way. Those books were fun and really enlightening on the little stuff like how to handle invites, how people view friendship, expectations around going out, etc.

I got this kind of bidet toilet attachment to use for cleaning my behind however I discovered that it also works as a douche when pressed against my anus. I just gently ease on the lever to control the pressure and it fills up my rectum and then push it out. Repeat several times until its clean.

I've been trying to play around with more androgynous looks so I got a plain black A-line skirt on Amazon that was cheap and VERY comfortable (and it has pockets~), I don't really wear it out much but it's SUPER great for lounge-wear. Also things like harem pants are pretty loose and flowy. I don't really know about specific brands, but I've found that something plain and black errs on the side of "not too feminine" as much as a skirt can be, and also black goes with everything. Of course, kilts are probably your best bet for something skirt-like that's as masculine as possible.

I got this:

Olee Sleep 14 Inch Heavy Duty Steel Slat/ Anti-slip Support/ Easy Assembly/ Mattress Foundation/ Bed Frame/ Noise Free/ No Box Spring Needed, Full https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01C8PIVJQ/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_91SY1NXMMST75FNG411P

Strong and cheap- you can mount whatever headboard you want. Zinus makes all kinds of bed stuff. Check them out on Amazon

I second the advice already given here. I used to use cotton but haven't looked back since I switched to synthetic shirts. I actually reuse my synthetic shirts by putting them in the bottom of the shower after my workout/run and letting the soap suds clean them. I just wring them and hang them up to dry afterwards.

That said, if you really want cotton, I'm pretty sure you can find generic cotton tees at walmart or Amazon. See this link here for solids

Happy to help! I usually just order mine from Amazon. Here's a link if you want to check it out more. Pretty much all of their products have been good to me. But I do love the satsuma one the best. I also recommend the guarana/caffeine face wash for men

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00SUYRB7I/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_fabc_S8H141MN4HEHP3PY2QH0?_encoding=UTF8&amp;psc=1

Noxzema Classic Clean Moisturizing Cream (Eucalyptus)

Queen Helene Mint Julep Masque

Here

Here

I use these guys: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07CYNYLPB/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_3KG51MZS4DA6TP8E4B3G?_encoding=UTF8&amp;psc=1

Gay sex calls for gay fiber.....jk you can use any psyllium husk fiber supplement for the same results. There are probably cheaper alternatives.

One thing about ADHD meds (and any psych meds, really) is that you have to optimize them, adjust the dosage with the doc until you get the most benefit. And it can mean changing meds as well. I was diagnosed last year at 47 - which explains SO MUCH of my life - Adderall helped, but I also tried concerta, which was a nope, and now I’m on Vyvanse, which is fabulous for me after adjusting the dosage a few times. And this book https://www.amazon.com/ADHD-Effect-Marriage-Understand-Relationship/dp/1886941971 was a godsend along with therapy.

Wow. I was going to suggest the Joy of Gay Sex https://www.amazon.com/Joy-Gay-Revised-Expanded-Third/dp/0060012749/ref=sr_1_2?crid=1A84AUMIQQOXZ&amp;dchild=1&amp;keywords=joy+of+gay+sex+book&amp;qid=1609890028&amp;sprefix=joy+of+gay+sex%2Caps%2C165&amp;sr=8-2 It was very helpful when I was new to the whole sex with men thing in college.

Plenty of people do a "30 Day No Alcohol Challenge" for health reasons -- google it and see what tactics work for them. If you can achieve that, then you've won 90% of the battle. Don't tell yourself you have to stop drinking FOREVER, just for 30 lousy days, and while that month passes, substitute other "vices" for drinking (in moderation of course!) like pineapple juice & club soda "mocktails" or chocolate, or going out bowling, or a bubblebath, or a nice scenic drive in the car, or your favorite movie....ANYTHING but drinking booze! I cannot recommend this book enough: https://www.amazon.com/Drinking-Love-Story-Caroline-Knapp/dp/0385315546 -- I've read it 3-4 times over the years, and her voice is so authentic and gripping, it's just an amazing book (and very easy reading too) so powerful, so well-written. Good luck to you!

I'm in love with our bidet. As far as prices go, this is midrange--around $200. That said, it's a game changer:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07YZV4RRX/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o05_s00?ie=UTF8&amp;psc=1 (Alpha Bidet GX Wave Bidet Toilet Seat in Round White | Strong Spray | Stainless Steel Nozzle | 3 Wash Functions | LED Nightlight | Warm Air Dryer | Oscillation and Pulse)

Easy to install too.

The reason that the penis evolved to work like a plunger was precisely because in order to increase the odds of impregnating the female with it's genetic material, it had to pump out a lot of other semen first.

Cumdumps are as old as humanity itself.

Read Sex at Dawn. Gay men don't get turned on when we gang bang a bottom because we're gay. We get turned on because we're men.

Monogamy is a relatively modern concept. It's not how we evolved to be. Many couples make it work and while it is common, it's not normal... for gays or straights.

Read Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships

I'd suggest two things: work on yourself to get used to or even enjoy anal stimulus first, and involve him in the process instead of making it an ordeal for you.

For people inexperienced in bottoming even finger can be too rough. Callus or sharp corner of finger nails can hurt. Start with some anal stimulator. If budget is not a concern the Pure Wand of Njoy is a work horse. It has a smaller side which should be a good start. It will find your prostate even if it's taking fugitive in wild Australia. For budget, some smaller stimulator like this could work. Whatever you pick, make sure the object has some handle or enlarged part that will prevent it from completely trapped in the rectum. (e.g. a cucumber shape would be a bad choice.) Use lube.

Involve him. Have him try the toy on you. Communicate with him about if you feel good and where it feels good. Positions that have the thighs closer to the abdominal surface (like the angle of squatting down) makes the rectum straighter and less painful. (When the real action with him comes, a squatting cowboy position with him laying on his back is preferred, that way you have all the control on how deep to go, and it feels less vulnerable.) Rectum is also not 90 degree straight from the anus, but at an angle slanting toward the back. You can angle the stimulator accordingly to find the least resistant route.

Introspectively, work out if there is any psychological issue that bothers you. Is it because it feels vulnerable? Dirty? Passive? Unmanly? Etc. And find out how to address that, talk about that with us here, etc. For instance, if dirtiness is a concern, douching is pretty easy, diet can also improve it.

I’ve done various types of disconnection over the years. I deleted all the major social media accounts (Fb, insta, Twitter etc) during the pandemic and haven’t looked back. Grindr and scruff have done little for my wellbeing so I’ve deleted those too.

I recommend what others have said about either deleting select apps off your phone or removing all notifications from them. While you may be an introvert, having some social connection with friends & family while you remove the social media distractions will help ease the difficult transition. So having text and phone calls still available could be helpful—just a thought to consider.

I bought a bunch of books and started listening to more music and reading to stay away from my phone… and if you’re not sure what to do, try reading Digital Minimalism to get inspiration:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0525536515/ref=as_li_qf_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=stuhac-20&amp;creative=9325&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;creativeASIN=0525536515&amp;linkId=df480f3d3d20e5615f22defc9bea667c

Good luck friend! We’re rooting for you 😘

Check out Attached.

We've been living together for almost ten years. He gets anxious and shuts down and removes himself the confrontation, I get anxious and push for it. Just how we're wired I guess.

I've always been more of the anxious one, so for my part I've worked on really thinking about how awful I can be when I let my emotions run wild and get the better of me and trying to realize when I'm getting worked up and walk away to cool off or just say what I need to say within 5 or 10 minutes and drop it, rather than go on ranting forever. If I catch myself arguing in circles (I'm not perfect still) I'll try and drop it and move on.

My partner used to frequently walk away, get in the car and drive away, start playing video games and looking away from me, giving the silent treatment etc. when we would start to argue... which I always took as extremely disrespectful and it would piss me off to no end and so I'd end up pushing harder in the confrontation.

So for his part he's worked on paying full attention when we are having an important conversation or any kind of disagreement now, rather than shutting down and turning into a brick wall the way he used to or taking off.

Hey therapist here. I hate giving this advice and it’s so common place. Other people already gave great advice and looking into self help books about increasing your intimacy may be a good start (just from a quick glance this looks interesting although I haven’t read it). Psychiatry is going to give you meds. Intimacy is never ever going to be fully addressed by meds because it is a complex chain of culture, behavior, and emotion. Therapy with a gay male therapist (if you’re comfortable with that line up) might be worth looking into. I would literally say in the first minute of therapy what you wrote here. Also therapy with an attachment-focused therapist might help you put some names to your patterns and help you break into something new. Wishing you well.

I would recommend this E-book, which I have read:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/GRINDR-SUCCESS-SUCCESSFUL-worlds-infamous-ebook/dp/B07TM3Q4JV

Written by a UK guy, it has a lot of useful tips and oh-yeah moments.

Maybe find a group on meetup.com? There all kinds of things. Boardgames, D&D, sports, pub crawls, reading clubs, arts & crafts...and if there is no group you can start one..."LGBT Movie lovers" for the cinema, "LGBT boardgames", "LGBT anything"...you get the idea. Good luck :)

Thank you for trusting your story to strangers on the internet. That takes courage.

I'm a former Okie, too. The only time I ever go back is to visit cousins when I'm visiting my parents in northern Texas now. I do not miss it at all. Hate the place.

I also had a fundamentalist upbringing. There's lots of bad stuff there that I have worked through in years of therapy.

I have moved quite a bit in my adult life, and you're correct about finding friends. It's hard. I have discovered meetup.com. There are lots of cool groups that I am part of. Some are LGBT related and some aren't. I've made friends. Check it out.

Now, you are definitely not too old. If you're still sucking air, you're not too old. Getting out of your comfort zone is really scary. The good news is you only have to go a little outside it to get wonderful benefits. If you like listening to music, you may be able to find a meetup group in your new city that is about exactly that. Check it out.

I'm not over 30, I'm 23, but whatev. :)

I live in Toronto too, and I hear you, I acknowledge I don't think Toronto is the best for friend-making or dating, I find the people in general to be fake and shallow, just my opinion.

But that said, I think there is always hope for anyone in any situation. By this I mean, I bet you're not the only one who's in their early 30's, feels broken, and doesn't know where or how to make friends. You only really need one or two great high quality friends that you mesh with, and everyone else doesn't have to matter. Just search for those one or two people.

For meeting people, I'd suggest meetup.com, basically a meetup website where you can find all sorts of activities where you can do things and meet people, and also look up blog.to, where they list events going on in Toronto because there are tons always and you never know if you'll meet a friend there! I'd recommend trying something you're interested in or have to go out of your comfort zone to try, and make it a concrete activity like a dance class or painting class and not something like a concert where the structure is so loose it's possible to withdraw and do nothing and end up wasting the night. You can also volunteer at some non-profit organization, Toronto has tons of those.

Again for the asexual thing, I bet you're not the only one. You just need one person who's asexuality is compatible with yours, just one! And I'm way more into cuddling and deep conversations personally too, imo sex is overrated (maybe that's the INFJ in me).

You can't be that broken if you're reaching out for help, and you have a great job and make good money and a good apartment. So you have some things that are working, some things that aren't. So what, that's us all. I think you're discouraged, but not broken.

I'm also DMing you something.

Wish you well!

>I agree with this completely and have experienced that from both directions. Recently, I've met up with a couple of guys on Grindr who I wasn't all that attracted to but I had a lot in common with them so I thought we could be friends. Since I didn't want to fuck however, they weren't interested in even being friends.

Yeah, it sucks because my experience is that this is a very common mistake among gay men. You can't really do much to protect yourself. I think that Grindr is a place with higher-than-average risk of running into guys who make this kind of mistake. Someone else suggested using meetup.com to find meetups related to your interests. I think that's a good place to find potential friends.

I was in a similar position, except I was mid-50s...

There's more to life than apps... Does depend where you live to some extent. Find some sort of LGBT social groups, e.g. via meetup.com meeting with a larger group for some social activity is generally less intimidating. You will be able to meet people through apps, but you can be clear what you're looking for in your profile. Although I've not met that many guys, they have been OK about my background/experience.

I (56) still use the apps, and I'm meeting men in other ways, too. I think I like a multi-pronged approach.

I joined meetup.com to get into groups with people about interests I have. This has helped me find friends. I have even had a few dates with some of these men. I still go to the events that are done through meetup, and I really enjoy them.

I highly recommend the new book Out of the Shadows: Reimagining Gay Lives by Walt Odets. It superbly talks about relationships between gay men. Really good. Because of dealing with being gay, we aren't taught a lot about how to build relationships.

I still use the apps. I met my last boyfriend on Grindr, and that lasted a year. It was a normal relationship with ups and downs. I have just started dating another man who is the friend of a friend, so the old fashioned way still has relevance.

I also use the apps for hookups. I don't see anything wrong with that. There are times I want a quickie. I feel no shame in having sexual needs.

All this to say, I think it's possible to find a partner using various means including the apps.

I (56M) came out at 35. It's never too late. I suggest you find a therapist. They can help you with a lot of the inner work that you may not even realize needs to be done. The other posters on this thread have given some great ideas. Meetup.com is a good place to find LGBT groups that may interest you.

If you're better at dealing with people in person, look for some kind of gay group on meetup.com where you live and attend a meet up.

If you're OK dealing with people online first, get some apps: Scruff, DaddyHunt, Adam4Adam, etc. Or set up accounts on some of these online. Note, however, that they are more mainly hookup oriented, not relationship oriented. If you live in or near metro area you might also look at ads on Doublelist.com to see if this kind of meeting appeals to you. You need to make an account there too, but it can be quite anonymous.

Good luck! I'm sure you'll connect with what you need.

This is very common for gay men. I strongly suggest you readOut of the Shadows: Reimagining Gay Men's Lives by Walt Odets. He's a gay psychologist and at one point directly addresses this issue. It's tied up with our oppression by the larger hetero world and the internalized homophobia we all carry. He explains it much better.

Thank you so much for trusting us with your situation. It's very brave of you to come out even a little, and it's also brave to open up to strangers on the internet.

If you haven't done so already, I strongly suggest that you look for a therapist. They are not like medical doctors who diagnose and prescribe. They are more like guides who will expertly steer you to make your own decisions about your own future.

Be kind to yourself. I'm right behind you in age, and I grew up in a disgusting fundamentalist family who cut me off when they found out I'm gay. You likely are living with something relatively similar that caused you to hide for so many years. I'm sorry it happened to you.

I recommend this book. It is written by a gay psychologist and is very helpful. I've read it 3 times, and my psychologist read it and raved about it.

Good luck. :)

Background: I am a white european man, married to a brown indian bear. I was not specially attracted to asian, non-white or exotics guys, it just happens that I like bears and we clicked very well. We have many european friends, and many indian or asian friends.

Skin color in asia is a long complicated story.

For those who are unaware, lighter skin color is culturally desirable in most asia, from long time ago. Ligher color was associated with royalties, being rich and not working the fields, also from being religiously desirable (like brahmins). White guys are sometimes called people of high color. In asia, skin whitening creams such as Snow White as sold, as opposed to tanning cream.

So, this is NOT new at all.

> I'm an asian who seems to like especially white men.

> I like them physically.

It seems to be VERY common in our asian friends, specially in india. Conversely many white men seem to like indian guys, the darker the better. You are not alone.

I do not see that as racist. We all have preferences. If you like white men, where is the issue? It is the same as being attracted to a certain body type or personality.

If however one is actively try to make non-white people life more complicated, sure, not the same thing. This is discriminatory. I would venture that no being offer to do indoor yogo with /u/engorgioavis is not discrimatory.

Go find your white older guys and be merry!

Breakups are incredibly hard — speaking from the heart as I'm eight weeks in.

I would say that it's been very unpleasant, and I've struggled to function, but around the seven week mark, I started to be able to find joy in things again. I went for a lovely walk the other day at felt something like real joy, with no hint of heartbrokenly wishing Ex were there with me.

As time goes on, those moments get more frequent again.

My advice would be to go through your grief and pain, not around it. Feel it and acknowledge it, and know that no matter how powerful it is, it can never actually destroy you, because it is a feeling and you are solid matter :) That is, it's also usually a good idea not to jump back into sleeping with or seeing people, because that is only way to distract yourself from what you're going through, to avoid processing it.

I've also started therapy, which I am a believer in. However, _really_ good therapists are both hard to find and (usually) expensive, and progress can be slow with a less than brilliant therapist. However even talking a mediocre one can be useful for processing emotions as they come up in the moment, in my exp.

I've been surprised that what's helped me more than my therapist is this book, recommended by a friend: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Maybe-You-Should-Talk-Someone-ebook/dp/B07KM93FN7/ It's by a therapist undergoing a breakup who despite her training finds herself deeply affected and unable to really process her grief. It has changed my thinking and helped me enormously. It's also much more poetic and full of wisdom than the title suggests.

Love to you. Feel free to DM if you want to chat. <3

> Just curious if anyone uses viagra for premature ejaculation?

Not the most common use. Viagra will help staying hard, not really for stamina.

> something to keep me going longer topping

Perhaps try the usuals?

• Making pauses, and being more relaxed, will obviously help,
• Condoms can reduce friction and so make people last longer,
• Another way is to reduce stimulation. Can be done using a mild local anesthetist such as lidocaïne.

It's not just the male brain. Human sexuality evolved for something approximating what we now call polyamory. Read Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships.

Monogamy in males is relatively new from an evolutionary aspect. Men only started to control the sexuality of women when we invented agriculture and the concept of personal property that we could pass on to our own children. Which meant we needed to control which men the women were around to ensure that any of our multiple wives only bore children that we created.

Men were never expected to be monogamous until very, very, recently. I'd even go so far as to say that the sexual revolution in the 60's didn't free women, it restricted men.

Bonobos are our closest evolutionary cousins but they don't have all of the religious dogma surrounding mating so... they all fuck like... well... basically like gay men do if left to their own devices.

>But it seems like it’s a lost battle and I should attempt to reframe my mind for shorter term relationships.

Not necessarily. I've been in an open relationship with my partner for over 12 years and I've been monogamous for the last 11 or so. The fact that monogamy is not in our nature does not mean that you can't have a monogamous relationship. It just means that you have to deal with the reality of that fact.

Hell yeah I do.

I'm a construction worker so I've put a lot of thought into my undies. Ended up getting a set of those bamboo fiber briefs (the brand is Knitlord and they're pretty cheap) and I'm never going back to my lifelong love of tighty-whiteys. They're really thin, dark colored, and I think I look hot af in them. They also dry really quickly and don't stink. Haven't had them long so I can't speak for their longevity, but so far I love them. I have some bright colored briefs from Tomboy X. I like them but they're pricy. I went through a big phase of wearing women's thongs and stuff for a while, but now I only do that when the mood strikes. I used to go to local macho-type redneck bars here wearing a lacy black thong because I loved that mischievous "oh, if they only knew!" feeling it gave me.

But yeah, sexy undies are a major turn on for me.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Allen-Carrs-Easy-Stop-Smoking/dp/1405923318

It is a self help book on quitting. The first few chapters talk about how smoking isn’t your fault. You fell into a trap at some point. Then it goes on a few different paths. Smoking doesn’t relieve stress and inspire thought. Smoking doesn’t relax and wake you up. Not withdrawing off nicotine does all those things tho. Then some stuff about forgiveness and freedom. I found it to be meaningful

I like to keep a tidy house, but am not a naturally tidy person, so I sometimes find myself feeling like I'm always cleaning as well. First off, I would recommend talking to the BF about the issue you're having. Having a conversation about how you feel like you're carrying the bulk of the house chores might be the first step into getting him to either pitch in when you clean or maybe just pick up after himself a little bit. Having someone else's support (even if just moral) can be huge.

The other thing I would recommend is to really work on a tidy-as-you-go habit with your BF. One book (audiobook!) that helped me to kick start some good tidying habits is this book by Dana K White about how to manage your home and cleaning if it's not something that comes naturally to you. She has a few other books on how to organize and purge (if that's an issue for you as it was for me) and I love her realistic, I've-been-there-before approach that isn't as extreme as someone as, say, Marie Kondo. Since I started cleaning as I go, the baseline of my home is much more comfortable for my liking (which makes end of the day cleaning a lot quicker and less daunting) and instead of feeling like I'm constantly spending big chunks of time cleaning, it's broken up into a few minutes or seconds here that just end up being part of my routine that I almost don't even notice it anymore. Because it doesn't come naturally, some weeks I let the habits go a bit and I definitely notice the difference in how much I feel like I'm having to clean to play catch up to get my house to where I want it to be.

Sorry for the long response, but hope that this method can be helpful for you as it was for me!

Ringing in ears can be a sign a high blood pressure, usually when it starts to be quite elevated.

Can I suggest you get an automatic arm blood pressure monitor? The model shown is simple to operate, uses the upper arm (important, wrist models are not good enough) and is bluetooth connected so you can bring the data to your medical team.

Next time you do bedroom exercising, check your blood pressure before, during and after. This can give a better idea of what your ACTUAL blood pressure is in actual conditions: arousal, drugs, exercising. Sure, it is not sexy, but I think you will manage.

Moreover, it is possible that you have reverse whitecoat hypertension. Not uncommon. Blood pressure is good when in a medical care and high outside, which means patient can be left untreated. Monitoring your blood pressure twice or three time a day can help your medical team get a good baseline in "normal" conditions. I would not be surprised if you have essential hypertension, going to severe hypertension when you have your sessions.

>should I even be able to promise not to make stupid decisions when I get horny when I’ve done it in the past?

If you have impulse control issues, you really aren't cut out for monogamy. In general, don't make promises that you are perfectly well aware that you can't keep.

That said, you seem to be concerned with ethics... which is good. But monogamy is not synonymous with ethical behavior. You might want to read The Ethical Slut to get another perspective.

20 years after what could have been an acrimonious divorce, the book/resource that meant the most to me was this one

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000JMKTPA/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&amp;btkr=1

The biggest takeaway was the idea of values: your kids learn values from you by what you value, not what you tell them to value.

There were times that I had to swallow my pride, but I think my kids today show that it was worth it.

Your wife is going to feel abandoned, betrayed. She will grieve the life that she once had. You can make that grieving period easier for her.

Good luck.

I have had a Bosch 18v for more than a year. It’s been awesomely reliable and just gets on with the job.

https://www.amazon.com/Bosch-GSB18V-490B12-Brushless-SlimPack-Battery/dp/B085DTSG6F/ref=mp_s_a_1_5?crid=KJFOA8CKEIKQ&amp;keywords=bosch+18v+drill&amp;qid=1655099073&amp;sprefix=bosch+18v+%2Caps%2C293&amp;sr=8-5

yall are wrong. im a clinician. yes it is a hygiene issue. the type of wash he should be using should be geared towards intimate areas. like eve's vaginal wash or something. its acidic enough to kill some bacteria while letting the good ones thrive (lessens susceptibility to UTI/yeast infection/etc)

if hes insecure about using vaginal washes use this one:

mens intimate wash

^specifically the tea tree oil. tea tree oil helps a lot with body odor (i even use tea tree oil body wash) since it has antiseptic/antifungal properties

I spend a lot of my time at my desk - getting a desk cycle or desk elliptical has been really great for me to get some extra activity in.

Yes. A green garden hose, butt naked, in the front yard, in front of the neighbors. 😂​😂​😂​😂​😂​

Of course not. I use one of these.

> “It can be difficult to know what I really feel versus what I am experiencing“

Just to be clear, feelings are part of your experience, so there is no difference between what you feel and what you experience. It’s not like your feelings at this moment hide some deeper feelings. Sometimes you will gain insight that puts your feelings in context with something else, but the something else exists in your direct experience or it doesn’t.

The best book I’ve seen on being able to connect with your direct experience is Mindfulness: Finding Peace in a Frantic World by Mark Williams and Danny Penman. They developed this mindfulness program at Oxford based on cognitive-behavioral therapy. It’s a practical eight week program with lots of excellent exercises to try. It’s best if you can find someone to work through it with you (like a therapist or in a class), but you can do it DIY.

https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Eight-Week-Finding-Peace-Frantic/dp/1609618955/

Has he tried meditation? There are guided meditations and simple breathing meditations.

I like the guided meditations in this book Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Finding Peace in a Frantic World (Includes Free CD with Guided Meditations) . If I don't like the voice of the guided meditation, it won't work for me.

For a breathing meditation, you can just focus on your breath, noticing the sensations of each breath as you inhale and exhale.

I find silently counting inhalations and exhalations helpful as well. I count breaths up to 5 and back to 1. You breathe at your own pace, counting the breaths like this:

Inhalation (1) Exhalation (2) Inhalation (3) Exhalation (4) Inhalation (5) Exhalation (4) Inhalation (3) Exhalation (2) Inhalation (1) and repeat continuing the cycle.

I often do this if I wake up in the middle of the night. It helps me to fall back asleep by giving my mind something to focus on.

It requires some equipment and patience, but I've gotten the best results from waxing myself with hard wax. I usually do hole, taint, and balls and it takes me 60-90 minutes to do it myself.

Here's the warmer I use: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B089M2NCVP?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

Here's the wax: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07F1TQ733?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

You'll also need a plastic tarp to protect the ground and a mirror to see what you're doing.

Yea and then you gotta get the bum balm. Put that in your hole every morning after you shower and you’ll be a new man. Pure for Men Bum Balm | Eco... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07MQXBTM9?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

I have never been able to get anywhere near being fisted because of scar tissue on my anus from an injury when I was a child. I have been a fisting top for decades. I get tremendous pleasure from being so intimate with the bottom. Many I know have referred to it as a spiritual experience. I honestly know of no deeper experience with another man.

One resource I can vouch for is “Trust: The Hand Book: A Guide to the Sensual and Spiritual Art of Handballing” by Bert Herman. It will inform you of everything you need to know. I knew Bert when I lived in San Francisco and helped him publish the book.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0962475157/ref=dbs_a_def_awm_bibl_vppi_i0

Also here’s a free PDF that will give you good information: The Sacred Art of Fisting by Larry Shockey

https://handballacademy.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/SAOF_Final_web.pdf

There is a lot to know, honestly, because of the potential for serious injury. I really recommend educating yourself before even considering it. But armed with expert knowledge and an experienced and patient bottom and clear communication between you — and more lube than you ever thought anyone could use — you will be fine and your bottom will be in total, exquisite bliss.

Stamina’s limiting factor for most people is you oxygen intake. Cardio helps build up your breathing muscles to become more efficient and also helps your heart get stronger.

But what can massively help as well is breath restricting exercise, 5min per day breathing through a device like this one

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B001O67BYM/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_C7ZY5ZHP7NXZ7XDVWJ53?_encoding=UTF8&amp;psc=1

There are a few recent medical journal publications about how these breathing exercise routines help lower blood pressure equal if not mor than cardio, since more efficient blood oxygenation means less blood is needed to achieve similar performance and less blood pumped means less pressure.

https://www.colorado.edu/today/2021/06/29/5-minute-breathing-workout-lowers-blood-pressure-much-exercise-drugs

Cardio is still a great idea, but this can help both your performance and general level of fitness as well.

Tell her to show you where in the gospels Jesus said anything about homosexuals. I asked my mother this when she was quoting scripture and sent her on a wild goose chase for a month. 🤣 But you probably already covered that.

I highly recommend “Jesus, Interrupted” by New Testament scholar Bart D. Ehrman. The kindle is on sale for $1.99. I learned most of this when I was in the seminary a long long time ago.

Buy one for yourself and one for a friend!

https://www.amazon.com/Jesus-Interrupted-Revealing-Hidden-Contradictions-ebook/dp/B001TKD4XA/

> You will have a partner. All you need to do is become a regular face somewhere or in a few places. Within a short time people will greet you using your name. It's not really even work because you'll start enjoying it. Take it from there, be patient and eventually you'll be surprised.

That's pure corn, and bullshit.

Maybe it's because I'm black, but I feel there is no way, even if god forbid I gave them a second chance, (Please. wow smh.) that "becoming a regular" approach fucking works. Give me a break. Wow. smh.

I went to the Eagle, in LA, on Santa Monica and Hoover. Trying to talk to some guys. They basically belittled me, and treated me like shit. I know it's because I'm black and gay and feminine/flamboyant. I talk about it more here.

Http://www.reddit.com/r/AskGaybrosOver30/comments/tpvkk5/being_black_and_gay_and_single_sucks_so_much/i2dtp56/

You will have a partner. All you need to do is become a regular face somewhere or in a few places. Within a short time people will greet you using your name. It's not really even work because you'll start enjoying it. Take it from there, be patient and eventually you'll be surprised.

Yeah, those motherfuckers aren't gonna magically change the more I go. So that plan/logic if very much flawed sadly.

Although what do agree with the OP on, is being single sucks. I'm 31 now, and wish I had a boyfriend. I feel being black and gay (maybe it's an LA thing, but i"m not fucking moving. LA Pride. San Pedro. Long Beach represent lol) in LA is awful. Guys reject me IRL. I get no matches on dating apps/sites, despite having

I think about becoming a celebrity, which preorder my book y'all lol. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B09WDB5XX2

and maybe Jimmy Fallon, Seth Rogen, and James Corden will hit me up then lol.

I'm just really fucking done. Reddit is a fucking racist site, and I said what I said, and I'm fucking through. lol.

I've used these 2:

1. Silk-epil (better)
2. Satinelle

Compared to waxing, less painful and less bleeding, with less skin irritation after. I think waxing still lifts top layer of skin cells, hence the irritation and bleeding.

For the epilator setting, standard setting with the guard on is best for the Silk-epil, whereas for Satinelle you'll have to do a second pass with the guard off.

Do not use for armpit hair.

I had a lot of abuse as a child and into my mid to late teens. I too identified as a "sex addict" as I was acting out in all kinds of self destructive ways. Anon sex, unprotected sex, you name it I was probably doing it.

I've been in therapy steadily for 5 years. I inadvertently found a "sex friendly" therapist and after 20 years of the stigma, I no longer identify as a sex addict. I'm processing my traumas, setting boundaries and letting go of the people in my life who I find detrimental to my mental health. My therapist recommended this book and it's changed my life and how I view and identify with myself.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B007ZRFSWQ/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&amp;btkr=1

I can tell you this, the only way out is through. Undealt with trauma will, without question run the rest of your life. It will affect EVERY relationship you get into. Business, personal, interpersonal, the whole thing. You will also quite likely attract those who will abuse you, sad but true, been there done that.

The silence of our stories is what keeps us sick. I kept my story largely to myself until a year or two ago. As I feel I'm finally coming out the other side of my mess, if you need a voice of experience, please feel free to dm me and all the best to you on your journey, it's fucking hard and it's worth and so are you.

Injured innocence is a hard one to solve, because eventually you have to learn to forgive whoever injured you in order to save yourself. I just read Epstein's The Zen of Therapy: Uncovering a Hidden Kindness in Life. Epstein is a highly renowned psychotherapist and Buddhist who wrote "Thoughts Without a Thinker" many years ago. It's not a question of letting the past off the hook, but of deciding what you have to do with what remains of your own life to make it meaningful.

baKblade

https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B077GB8T8F/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&amp;psc=1

Used one for about 2 years while going through laser hair removal, because I was super hairy and did not like it. I still use it occasionally to remove slightly longer hairs.

baKblade is what I use. Not sure if my opinion is valid cuz I’m married not single, but I am in an LDR so I have to shave my own back.

Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy was developed at Oxford. This is a terrific guide:

Mindfulness: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World

It’s not a perfect fit for everyone. I had a therapist in the 90s who unsuccessfully tried MBCT with me. It didn’t click for me until I was diagnosed with PTSD following Hurricane Katrina.

I once spent a wonderful weekend exploring the hidden stairways of San Francisco that link neighborhoods together. It was great exercise, a wonderful time, and I came back with fun pictures and a much better understanding of the city.

Stairway Walks in San Francisco: The Joy of Urban Exploring

This is something you can learn my friend!

I recommend you start here:

The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living https://www.amazon.ca/dp/0735211736/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_i_1NJM0Z796QHN7KQFP1R5

A good friend of mine recommended that to me and it was a game changer.

To flatten the belly in a short time, it's more effective to build abs than to loose. You need no material, look for core strength and abs exercises. For example https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=sixpack.sixpackabs.absworkout

ID Glide. It’s my all time favorite. Super slippery and lasts a very long time. I only use water-based lubes. Silicon lubes feel terrible IMO. They’re thick and not slippery and pull and tug on skin. Everyone’s different though, some people prefer silicon over water-based.

ID Glide 17 Fl Oz Natural Feel Water-Based Personal Lubricant https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00BFXOT7Q/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_i_3A3K7T4PVAVP2RBDTFZ2?_encoding=UTF8&amp;psc=1

About a year ago I found The Green Carnation by Robert Hichens, and just re-read it not long ago. It was written in the 1890s, a year or so before Oscar Wilde's trial (and in fact was used as evidence against him) and though the characters had different names, it was so obviously about him and Lord Alfred Douglas that it was originally printed anonymously and then withdrawn from circulation. A lot of the specific references to writers and celebrities of the time went over my head unless I looked them up (Mrs. Humphrey Ward's name came up more than once) but it was really well-written and interesting in an over-the-top for that era way, and fun to read aloud which I do sometimes if I'm alone. I try to place myself somewhat in the timeframe of when something was written, even moreso than when it was set if that's not the same, because it seems like a mental exercize to step into the author's shoes as well as the story.

I have one. Can't really recommend it as the best. It's good but not that good :(

Though i love for my face but not my body.

There's this one: i didn't buy it yet but I'm gonna

https://www.amazon.com/Manscaped-Electric-Manscaping-Replaceable-Waterproof/dp/B082T46XCF/ref=mp_s_a_1_10?crid=2Q0RFOFR1AL4U&amp;keywords=Ass+epilator+men&amp;qid=1641616053&amp;sprefix=ass+epilator+men%2Caps%2C228&amp;sr=8-10

Amazon to the rescue! I have not read this myself, but it has a 4 star rating. lol

Blow Him Away: How to Give Him Mind-Blowing Oral Sex by Michaels, Marcy (2006) Paperback

by Mandela Delivery

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00NPOAC8I/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_DN8P5EQGTA384D58B4PW

Go slow with recovery. Yes, it sucks. The alternative is it potentially happening again.

Get a dialator kit. Practice a few times a week. It's an actual muscle, so treat it like one. Regular stretching and strength exercises. Work from the smallest and move upwards as you get comfortable. The point is to help the tissue/muscle stretch. I've used these and they are actually comfortable, some of the cheap hard plastics suck. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07BKBCFDL You'll eventually add a reasonable dildo too. Your doctor hopefully may provide more guidance. Some suck, mine did.

Doctor may suggest Botox to relax the sphincter. It works wonders. It'll wear off after a few months. But it can help.

Regardless, when you do opt to have sex, be gentle. No exceptions for the time being. Do some warming-up beforehand whatever you do. Don't just jump on his dick without foreplay to help stretch and relax the sphincter.

Make sure you are taking bulking fiber daily (Metamucil, the name brand has a smoother texture and is my preference). It does wonders for reducing straining and softening stool.

>What entertainment value would I offer by bringing other people over?

Your company, of course. Just like they could go to a bar by themselves or with you. The only distinction there is whether they'll have your company or not, right?

So then maybe a way to look at things is that It's time for you to learn how to be good company and practice that. Right?

Most people want to talk about themselves. So:

• learn to be a good listener
• be interested in other people
• ask thoughtful questions
• actually remember the answers to those questions & ask relevant follow up questions
• try to see the world through their eyes.

This is what makes people like us. People don't want you to be a shark-wrestling skydiver wall-street professional who works out 6 days per week. Their fantasies may want that. But when we interact with others, they want to be listened to, heard, appreciated. So that's the 'short-path-to-victory' here.

So you don't have to construct an elaborate life in order to be 'interesting' to others. Just start investing more in other people. You might get a copy of Dale Carnegie's book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" to learn specific strategies and their "why's" and "how's":

https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671027034

>I just really wish I had one or two close gay friends who I could discuss things with that my hetero friends just don’t understand. I know that that would help to solve this deep-seated feeling of loneliness.

It would help... but it won't solve. It took me a long time and a lot of therapy to come to understand that loneliness... that longing for another... that hole in your chest... cannot be filled by someone else. You have to fill it yourself. Loneliness isn't caused by a separation from others. It's caused by a separation from your Self. The one who has been with you all along, that you have turned away time after time, that you have shunned in order to fit in. This is the pattern that most gay men experience. I strongly suggest therapy and I strongly suggest a Jungian. CBT is just going to help you cope. A Jungian will repair your soul (I use the term metaphorically).

Until then, get this book. You are not alone in this. While your experiences are unique, the core drama of your life isn't. I recognize who I was in your wall of text. I'm not that anymore... I actually have to work hard at remembering him. You don't have to feel this way forever.

Good luck.

You just gotta be proactive.

It's more difficult for gay men because we tend to be one of the more sexually active demographics (not that that's a bad thing). But like any other demographic, you need to get out and meet people. We just need to meet more people to find who we're looking for.

Are there any LGBTQ organizations you can volunteer at, like an LGBTQ community center or an AIDS activist group? meetup.com has been recommended. Gay hiking groups seem to be popular, as well as sports teams.

The best way to make friends with someone is to spend time around them, so if you want to make gay friends, you need to spend time around gay people. And if there are no groups of gay people that congregate in your town, it's up to you to be the change that you want in the world.

Your best bet would be to try to find some kind of activity/hobby both you and your spouse enjoy, and then try to organize regular get-togethers with like-minded people.

/u/Oforoscar suggested using meetup.com, which is a good idea. I've noticed that about half the events in my town also use Facebook, I guess because people are on it more often.

You could also see if your town has its own Reddit community, and ask the moderator if he would be ok with you advertising your own meetup events. Alternatively, you could create your own Reddit community and advertise it on your city community, but this option requires more work, because you would be stuck moderating the community you created.

You could try to be overt in saying that these communities/events are only for making friends but I don't advise it, because it doesn't work, and might actually turn away people who could make good friends. Just make it clear that you and your husband are only interested in friendship.

This should sorry out your douche problems and it only costs £10. A Home Enema Kit with 2 Litre Capacity https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B06W584K39 You only need to fill yourself up with that 3 times usually and the water coming out of you will be so clean you could drink it out of a champagne glass and be delighted. Use warm water, as warm as possible because if it matches your body temperature or slightly higher your colon will barely feel it going in whereas if it's cold, your colon will start to contract painfully to force it all out. You could take an anti diarrhoea pills after that, if you really wanna be confident, like loperamide. Your other route is to use something like Fibogel to flush you pristine clean with hi fibre gel. Two or three sachets a day is all you need. You'll empty like clockwork every day and afterwards you'll be so clean you won't even need to douche. Try gut health products like yoghurt, khefir, kimchi and supplements like those Probiotic pills you buy at the pharmacies. Don't douche with soaps or anything that can destroy your gut flora. Avoid anti biotic medication and if you have to take them them take Probiotic pills afterwards to re-colonise your gut with good bacteria. Make sure you get at least a half an hour of elevated cardio vascular activity at least 4 times a week. And avoid junk food. Each meal should be three quarters assorted vegetables, different colours. If you don't do this and the exercise 4 times a week then you only have yourself to blame for your situation. It's the most basic fact of life. Finally, if all else fails, why stop sex? You can use your mouth, or why not top? If you wanna be bottom then use your mouth. Or get one of those guys who likes a dirty hole. They do exist.

I'm going to a white elephant party next weekend and bought this: https://www.amazon.com/Beard-Head-Stubble-Cruiser-Beanie/dp/B00CDZWHLA/ref=mp_s_a_1_9_sspa?crid=2R9HXVRODQD9G&amp;keywords=beard+hats+for+men&amp;qid=1638800460&amp;sprefix=beard+hat%2Caps%2C90&amp;sr=8-9-spons&amp;psc=1&amp;smid=AIUILCT4FFU6&amp;...

Not a drama, but Strangers with Candy's scene where Stephen Colbert and Paul Dinello's characters cruise each other for the first time is one of my favorites of all time. It's the first couple minutes of the episode.

How is your partners diet? I just happen to read this article earlier today and it might help your partner get off his antidepressants. It's worth a try since you literally have nothing to lose by trying it. There is apparently a strong link between you gut microbiome and overall mental and physical health.

Meetup.com for different activities you are interested in (and also any queer focused meetups if that's what you are looking for). Join a coed/club sports league if that's your thing. Volunteer. Bumble now has a 'BFF' mode that's sort of an awkward fit but you can also try that. Hell post on r4r on reddit and see what happens.

Intro/extraversion are not a binary. There are things you can do to improve your social/conversation skills to make talking to people easier. This book helped me a lot:

https://www.amazon.com/Conversation-Code-Upgrade-Social-Skills/dp/0989890406

If you don't like meeting people in a loud bar setting, then don't. Try going to meetings/groups at your local pride center. Try a gay sports team. Dont limit yourself by thinking that only loud, outgoing people are able to get dates in real life

The idea had been around for a while but Clinton couldn't pass what he wanted and his fucking compromise made things worse.

I'm as liberal as the come but Clinton's triangulations were horrible for our people. He was just awful. And while I voted for Hillary... because duh!... she was just as bad.

If you want to understand how the Clintons sold us out, read this.

I have a suggestion as someone with IBS and who has encountered accidents with previous partners more than once. Your parter could try these:

1. Psyllium husk - works great at solidifying all the poop into one mass. But if he has any bowel disorders (e.g. IBS, IBD, etc), he'll have to build up to 1tbsp of the stuff or else it'll just be worse.
2. Get a massive dildo, I got this. He should fuck himself a bit with it before the session. This will both help loosen him, and if any accident is gonna happen, it'll happen whilst he's doing that. Best place is the bathroom, he can just alternate between fucking himself in the bathtub, and the toilet. I find it's a great way of emptying me right out so that I'm ready for the real thing.
3. Lastly: Communication. Let him know that it's ok if he makes a mess, you don't care, that it's fucking the butt, it happens. Maybe offer to use a condom so even if it's not 100% clean, it doesn't matter as much. Perhaps suggest you could both fuck in the shower so if anything does happen you can just wash it away.