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And here's my obligatory plug for the book that's saving my life and getting me out of the FOG,

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B60DRKI/

Cause previously I would have felt like it was my fault I couldn't get over the abusive behavior he still refuses to take responsibility or accountability for. Peace out, STBX wBPD. ✌️

It's like bait so you'll say, "no no you're not really abusing me, I didn't mean it like that, just forget I said anything" etc.

Ugh.

Obligatory plug for the book that saved my life: Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B60DRKI/

I think Shel Silverstein illustrated a bad relationship intentionally, letting readers see for themselves how toxic it was.

If you haven’t read it, you might like another one of his books, The Missing Piece: https://www.slideshare.net/taiwansteve/the-missing-piece-draft-1

I'm right there with you. I'm heartbroken and sad and feel like I've failed. I feel like I'm abandoning someone who can't take care of himself, like I'm leaving him to die.

But that's my disorder. Of course, he's an adult and was taking care of himself (somewhat anyway) before I met him. I gave up my life to try to show him a normal one, full of kindness. But he's still sad. I can't fix it him.

This book is currently saving my life, maybe it can help you too:

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B60DRKI/

I'd go ahead and start with this one, or else buy it now because you'll eventually need it:

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B60DRKI/

Buy this and read it https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321

Arguing with a bpd doesn't lead anywhere. There is no reason for you to fight for a full week. Seriously, read the book. Then decide what you want to do. You deserve better.

Read this if you haven't, it will help a little bit: https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321

It's quite sad for them. There's no denying that. They never asked to have that disorder.

I would skip all of them and get

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B60DRKI/

It saved my life, and I've been recommending it as much as I can here. Several others have agreed it has been helpful.

A "successful relationship" with a pwBPD means a calm one, extraordinarily rarely does it mean a supportive romantic partnership. Is that what you're wanting for the rest of your life, to take care of someone who is ill while never having your needs met? Whether you would say yes or no, I'd highly recommend reading this book, which will help you set the necessary boundaries to have a baseline relationship:

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/1442238321/

The more important the thing you're doing, the worse he'll act out. You're not allowed to let anything seem more important than him. You'd have been better off not telling him you had anything going on.

This book saved my life. Maybe it can help you. Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B60DRKI/

Honey, go get you a copy of

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B60DRKI/

and start rebuilding yourself.

Sending you love. ❤️

I had to have separate bedrooms and I bought a lock for the door so she couldn't get in. Eventually I just had to get my own home.

You gray rock... And you talk to a lawyer instead of a therapist. I also highly recommend (really highly) the book "stop caretaking the borderline..." https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321

It will allow you to understand the dynamics.

Read.

"Thoughts of a philosophical Fighter Pilot", Jim Stockdale "Man's Search for Meaning", Viktor Frankle The Book of Job

Dudes survived 7 years of Torture in a POW camp, 4 years in a concentration camp, and the loss of everything they owned, all children, all grandchildren, and physical ailments. THAT is not fair.

Crappy relationship? Some emotional abuse? Some of your stuff gone? A few years of your life down the toilet? That's /bad/, and it's not fair. When you think how worse off it could be, you'll be grateful.

A book that teaches you meditation and visualization techniques to appreciate what you do have is "A guide to the good life: The ancient art of stoic joy" by William Irvine.

Good luck. We're here for you. For advice on depression, check our /r/getting_over_it

If you find yourself ruminating, lost in thoughts, memories, and angst, don't call every friend and tell them over and over again - you'll just re-live in. Instead, journal, or post here. Then tell yourself "I can ruminate again tomorrw at this time" and go DO SOMETHING. If the thoughts appear, tell yourself "nope, I have a plan for this, tomorrow at noon I am allowed to ruminate" or whatever.

Good luck.

Have you read Daniel Kahneman's Thinking, Fast and Slow? It's a very entertaining read on the two interrelated systems of our brains; the intuitive, unconscious mind and the exacting, conscious mind.

(Guess which one does most of the work.)

hang in there man.

anxiety means your mind is trying to exist too far into the future. (depression means your mind is too far in the past).

in the present moment, that is, right now, there is no anxiety. just look around, and realize that you are present in this moment. is there anything wrong with this moment? no, you are OK.

you are ALWAYS OK in the PRESENT moment. if you realize your thoughts are wandering ahead into the future, bring yourself back to the present -- be here now. everything is OK right now.

you are not equipped to deal with the problems of the future -- because you don't exist in the future. you never will. you can only, and have only, ever existed NOW. (that doesn;t mean you didn't exist in the past. you did, of course, but it wasn't "the past" at the time. it was also "now" -- just a now that has since passed.)

you can always deal with something that is happening now. and that is all you will ever have to deal with! all problems happen in the NOW. you have a 100% track record for getting through every NOW moment of your life.

i have struggled with real anxiety for most of my life. the most helpful resources i've found were The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns, The Power of Now by eckhart tolle, and finding my own spiritual path that made me realize God loves me unconditionally no matter what (ymmv on that last one). Good luck, I know you will be OK. you have more strength than you realize.

"She constantly ranted on about how she hates all men and how she likes to use men. Her goal in life was to find a rich guy who she can live off of. She seemed really unstable and honestly seemed somewhat psychotic."

The perfect profile for Match.com. Going once; going twice; sold to the sucker in a seersucker suit!

First of all: cover your ass. Record and document. If she is abusive now, it will be way worse once she knows you are really going through with the divorce so get ready for her to dysregulate (ie: go crazy)

Second: if you think that "oh she is a good mom" and "she isn't always that bad", once you divorce and for months after, your brain will seem to rewire itself and the past won't be as rosy.. you were basically living in fog (fear, obligation, guilt)

Give this book a read, it will confirm what you intend to do: https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321

The book "splitting" by Bill eddy is also worth it

DO NOT fall in her trap where she tries to be nice and all at first, she is likely trying to screw you over. She likely has a bit of NPD as well, this covers it https://youtu.be/7vxSxa967BA

If she ever hits you (or harasses you, death threats, ..), try to have evidence and definitely file a police report. You'll hopefully get a restraining order which will help you keep your sanity.

She would not hesitate to throw you under the bus. Cover your ass and do what you need to do.

Be there for the kids. They'll also realise how toxic the household was but it may take them a few months. The mom won't help because she will paint you black but eventually it will work out and they will finally have some stability in their lives.

That shows how it was purely manipulation.

I say cover your ass: record and document. She will only escalate once she realises that you are really done. Mine ended up assaulting me at my workplace... same age as yours. Pretty messed up. She was not violent before. I say read the book "Splitting" by bill eddy and this one https://www.amazon.ca/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321

if you want a book that covers communication really well with pwBPD, look up Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change. it covers validation, mirroring, and tone really well. out of all of the books I've read (listened to), this one covers communication i think the best for a family environment. the book isn't written under the idea od "dealing with" or "tolerating" so you won't get defensive or sanity techniques like you will with some of the other books. it's not written as a "take your life back" book. its more written for the family member you cant cut off, i guess.

Amazon Book

Audible Book

Well, some people interpret Anakin as having BPD....

More here.

In the end, the diagnosis only helps the professionals find the tools to try to help her if she wants help. For you, all that matters is to understand the toxic behavior for what it is, and do all you can to protect yourself from it.

The The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk is a good one that I recommend but I’m sure there are many others too.

There's a book called Splitting that seems to be a recommended read for people prepping for divorce.

I like u/HonestInquiryGuy's idea about figuring out how to make it her idea.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1608820254

So, you are being physically and emotionally abused and it seems like you have a lot of confusion about the situation, which is ok. Abusive relationships are by definition confusing because the person who you love is not supposed to be hurting you! It's not ok for your partner to be picking you up and dragging you around or punching holes in walls to intimidate you. it doesn't matter that he has BPD or is stressed out. I recommend reading "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. You can find a free pdf here https://www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf. This book really helps you understand the mind of the abuser. Another great book is "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist." Spend some time getting a better picture of your relationship dynamics through these books. Call or text a domestic violence hotline. And then examine how you feel and what you want out of your relationship and your life.

No worries on the messy part - we gotcha.

It's because they don't have object permanence. If you leave - they then start to forget how they feel towards you.

If you want a long read - then it's basically because they're stuck in the Sensorimotor stage of development.

I am not sure if you believe in God but I do. And I believe he led me to this book: https://www.amazon.com/Covert-Emotional-Manipulation-Tactics-Relationships-ebook/dp/B00PCVJGFW/ref=nodl_

I don’t understand how it’s possible that what’s written in the book so closely mirrors my life. I am relieved that I am not crazy and bad but also very sad. Now that I know what I know, there is no un-knowing it. I have to act.

I'm really sorry you are feeling this way, it hurts me to hear you are suffering like this.

I want to share some of the things in my life that have been helping me through my own recovery. First is the book "Whole Again", I bought it on Audible and cannot count the number of times I have repeatedly listened to it. I have also been practicing mindfulness techniques with the app "headspace". Lastly, I have been running or walking every day.

While nothing is a magic bullet when it comes to your recovery, I've found that leaning into the awful feelings instead of pushing the emotions back down or trying to shove thoughts away has lessened the hold these emotions/thoughts have over me.

I hope you feel better man.

Would your bother read this? https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321

It would help him deal with the situation. Note that the book doesn't say to leave. The author tells you how to handle things, and tells you that it's up to you if you stay or go but no matter what, you need to have boundaries othe wise you will lose your mind.

I wasn't sure if mine met these criteria until I read Stop Walking on Eggshells. Now I'm pretty certain she meets at least 7 of the 9. So having those criteria explained and be shown examples of each one would really help. But we're not her therapist, so none of us could truly say.

But all that really matters here is how it affects OP here. And it sounds like it's absolute hell.

I don't remember. But check out this link. In the summary it includes the 30 red flags. And she was 23 of them!

https://www.amazon.com/Psychopath-Free-Expanded-Emotionally-Relationships/dp/0425279995

+1 No More Mr. Nice Guy. I've shared it with my therapist and life coach, and they both give it out to their clients now.

I feel you on the reluctance to leave. Sometimes it truly is amazing and unlike any "normal' relationship. Bravo for recognizing that it's not you, but her. I think I am "fortunate" in that my relationship with a pwBPD started post-treatment. She still has her blind spots but it was nothing like the horror stories I've read online here and on Quora. I could not have continued seeing her if she wasn't trying her hardest to own her emotions and live a mindful life.

The ultimate lesson of NMMNG! is to take care of yourself. Her disorder doesn't invalidate the love between you, but it is unsustainable. You don't deserve the abuse, and if your children are exposed to it or God forbid experiencing it first-hand, they are in danger of developing disorders of their own. Ultimately leaving will be better for you and your children, and there's a slim chance she will realize something as well. Good luck.

PS In case you weren't aware, Stop Walking on Eggshells is also the title of a book on coping with a relationship with a pwBPD. I haven't read it yet but it's often recommended.

PPS This article explains why a nice guy and a woman with BPD are a common match, with disastrous results: https://tinyurl.com/y9xuz8hp

Yes! Mine did that too. "You can't bring up being hurt by me because I'm talking about how YOU hurt ME!" happened as well. The desire to have our partners recognize their impact and how we are hurt is just met with such defensiveness... it's like it crumbles their world view.

And yes--you're so right about dreams! I've had dreams about my ex for over a year since we broke up. It's often just us in "normal" situations, doing things around the house, errands, etc., but I will wake up with such clear realizations about what was dysfunctional about how we talked to each other.

On a related note, I listened to an episode of the podcast Hidden Brain about sleep that explained this perfectly: dreams are literally designed to help us come to rational conclusions about painful events. I really enjoyed the episode: https://www.npr.org/2017/11/13/563831137/the-swiss-army-knife-of-health-a-good-nights-sleep

I use Penzu to journal. My story is similar. After a particularly nasty episode, I started Googling and learned about personality disorders. My SO is undiagnosed but she still has many of the behaviors.

She will suddenly become mad, sad, quiet, seething, anxious, demeaning, defeatist, etc. I used to follow her around asking what was wrong. She would deny there was a problem. I would ask if I was the cause. I would pester her to talk in the mistaken belief we could rationally solve any problem. I usually got one of two reactions. The first reaction would be to accuse me of being self centered and making it about me. Of course that was nonsense. I just wanted to make her happy. In the sense I want to live in a peaceful, loving, emotionally satisfying relationship, I guess i am self centered. The second reaction would be an explosion about some transgression I had unknowingly committed. I would of course grovel and she would "be the bigger person" and forgive me. My grievances, when I dared to mention them, would be dismissed or turned against me. Occasionally, she would not be able to squirm out of all the blame. In those instances, I would get a manipulative apology. It would be designed to make me feel guilty or sorry for her. It was never real contrition.

Since learning about personality disorders, I don't try to figure out why anymore. I'm exhausted. We have 3 children under 12. She has stared to pull her antics on them. I try to protect them and help them understand it's not their fault mom is in a foul mood.

Am I happier? Not really. I have been shut out. I'm just the guy who lives with her, helps with the chores and the kids, handles all the stuff she can't, and pays the bills. She never touches me like she loves me. I don't feel an emotional connection anymore.

How do I keep the peace? I rarely say no. When she starts to escalate, I gently agree and stay calm. If all else fails, I leave. Good luck.

Be strong. I think many of us understand where you're at right now. Always know that you matter to far more people than you could ever realize.

The grip a BPD can have on you can create some incredibly strong emotions, but you need to focus on YOU. As far as how to get better, here is my advice:

First, if you need help urgently, please call the suicide prevention hotline at 1-800-273-8255. They have great people there 24/7 and can connect you with some really good resources.

Next, if you can, consider therapy. It's really beneficial, especially to untangle the scrambling your brain can go through in a BPD relationship. Was immensely helpful for me.

There is a void in your life. Fill it with something good. Not video games, not Netflix. Whether it's exercise, volunteering, a musical instrument, a hobby...preferably something with other people. I'm as introverted as they come, and my "escape" has always been to video games, movies, TV, etc. It leaves you feeling empty. Do something. check out meetup.com and you can look for groups of friendly, like-minded people in your area. Don't try to fill a void with a void. Damn....if I could take back 25% of the hours I spent staring at a screen and turn it into something that built relationships or a skill....I'd be freaking awesome right now.

The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The second best time is today.

Lastly, I'm not always on this account much, but feel free to PM me if you ever need to talk or vent. You matter. Take care of you.

$10.99 paperback on Amazon delivered in two days, or $9.99 Kindle version. Free Audible Audiobook with Audible trial.

Psychopath Free (Expanded Edition): Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425279995/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_T7AMzbST28YSN

So it's a book on Polyamorous relationships, but it deals a lot with communication and boundaries, it's called More than 2. Here an Amazon link

Cloud and Townsend. I believe they wrote several versions, but here is the one I read:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_.zNuFbR2EVZBX

One point: I was not expecting it, but the book does have a strong point of view of religion. While that isn't something that resonated with me, it did not detract from what I learned. In fact, some parts actually helped, seeing the way boundaries could be applied in situations that are generally dogmatic and about following the rules (dealing with church leaders).

I am co-dependant to a degree. Just ended a relationship with a pwBPD. I was not aware of my co-dependency until this breakup, as I had not previously been in a serious relationship prior to this one. Now I realize the shame I have towards my own upbringing, and how it was mirrored in my past relationship with my ex. Currently reading this book which has been immensely informative for understanding the dynamics of your question, from the co-dependants perspective.

What I mean is that in reality the steps are simple: You need to leave and go no contact. But that doesn't work if you think that "oh there is hope, I will save her". There are many posts like that in the forum, sometimes people simply seek validation (oh she is bpd, I will read a book and save her)

I recommend this book if you haven't read it: https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321

For me, I found it much better than therapy because it allowed me to understand how the relation worked.

This could have been a movie based on my life:. https://youtu.be/dA8n5O_-dfk

Read this book, you'll understand the game: https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321

>Being told I am a cold brick. Being told I am incapable of love. Being told I will never find someone better than her.

Lol. Ahh the memories. Give this book a read, it will help:. https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321

Hint: if she is truly BPD, it wasn't you. And you likely did not notice most of the abusive behavior in your couple.

> In my experience, there is absolutely zero logical reason for me to remain married to my wife.

What holds you back is the fog... Fear, obligation and guilt. It takes a while to get out of it. I recommend this book https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321

I only really read a lot as a child. I liked most of the classics I was forced to read and some fantasy. These days I mostly just troll the internet when I want words.

Though recently I've read a bit of "Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman." I was comforted to learn that this Feynman guy whom I consider to have been tremendously intelligent was also an idiot when it came to love. Some things in the book did summon unhappy memories of my old relationship, but so do many everyday sounds, places, smells, colors, and ideas. I think it'd be a shame to rob myself of anything more because of an old demon. I enjoyed reading it.

> I would recommend:

> Games People Play by Eric Berne

> Character Disturbance by George Simon & In Sheep's Clothing by Simon as well

> Randi Kreger has a "Essential Family Guide" that's good. (Also wrote Walking on Eggshells)

> Psychopath Free is a decent read

> I hate you----don't leave me is a good read

> The Buddha & The Borderline helped me get over my friend/temp girlfriend with it's perspective

> Breaking Free from Boomerang Love was a good one for my sister and my mom to read

> My dad read Lost in the Mirror and told me after. It said it gave him great insight into what I had been dealing with re: ex-wife and breakup with pwBPD

> He and my brother read something called (don't quote me on the title) The ABC's of BPD for beginners

> The other books I remember being bandied about but would have to research were: (Titles from memory, sorry if wrong)

> It's called a breakup because it's broken

> Crazy Time: Building anew

> Too good to leave but to bad to stay

> Predictably Irrational

> Quick Reponses to Irrational People

> Divorcing a jerk

>

~ /u/batmanrebirthed

Yeah, there are unfortunately no shortcuts. It's going to hurt, and there's no way around that. Healing is a lengthy process, but trust me, you'll get through it and find someone else. I'm not sure what your feelings are on this, but I've found that meditation and mindfulness can help. It isn't a silver bullet, but it's a way to at least understand and cope with your feelings. I'd recommend reading some parts of Full Catastrophe Living by John Kabat-Zinn and giving it a shot.

Also, I highly, highly recommend remaining NC, because you're otherwise not going to ever begin to fully heal. My BPD ex and I remained friends (with continued unhealthy boundaries, naturally) after our breakup, and it wasn't until the friendship finally ended that I could really begin the process of healing.

Best of luck to you.

I like Jon Kabat-Zinn meditation audiobooks. This is coming from someone that isn't spiritual at all and used to hate meditation. His stuff is very down-to-earth, concrete. When I started doing it I felt worse at first. This was good. I have been ignoring my own pain for so long I had to understand it before i got better. I started feeling stronger right away.

Another thing I started doing was reading Pema Chodron's books. They are great for understanding self-compassion and how to face hardship. I also like somewhat a book called "A Guide to the Good Life" by Irvine. It is just some mental hacks on how to be stronger emotionally, stay focused and such from a philosophical perspective. Quite concrete stuff.

I simply walk out of the room when I see the spitting begin and fire up a recorder on my phone and throw it back in my pocket. I go back into the room or am followed. Been very useful multiple times when the police have been at my residence. If you have Android, this one is great and will automatically upload to a Dropbox account once you stop recording. https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.hiqrecorder.full

The book would make an excellent stocking stuffer; that is, if the attorney fees and cost of bail don't prevent you from some well-deserved yuletide relief in the wake of a Cluster B precious snowflake storm: https://www.amazon.com/Types-People-Ruin-Your-Life/dp/0143131362

There's a theoretical scale of severity used by TFP therapists. All personality disorders exist in a spectrum of severity which is also used as a prognosis criterion. Severity is determined by evaluating person's functioning in the spheres of identity, object relations (basically, quality of relationships), defensive mechanisms used (some are more primitive), aggression and moral values. I highly suggest reading a textbook that gives this theoretical overview. TFP is also one of the most promising therapies for BPD (other pd's as well).

Here's the link with full name of the book and it's authors: https://www.amazon.com/Psychodynamic-Therapy-Personality-Pathology-Interpersonal/dp/1585624594 You can find its pdf version on libgen. If the book picks your interest, I'd suggest watch some youtube videos with Otto Kernberg or Frank Yeomans, they're one of the more prominent figures in the field of personality disorders.

Don't be afraid of taking something in the short term till you're back on your feet. Just stay away from the benzos.

Something like this:

https://www.amazon.com.au/Natures-Own-SleepEzy-Capsules-100/dp/B00C1W4SVC

Sorry, that message got sent as I was interrupted, but it seems you caught my meaning.

OCPD might actually be the most common of all, although it's perhaps the least likely to be diagnosed. This is in part because it is extremely compatible with capitalism.

I was married to an upwOCPD... the condition is the deadly drought to BPD's hellspawned hurricane. Almost certain in retrospect that the mystery condition plaguing the mother she went NC with after college was BPD.

My recommendation.

The single biggest book that helped me was How to Avoid Falling In Love with a Jerk.

For me, it really helped me to realize where I was failing. I was over-committing far too soon to people without getting to know them. Then I felt "all in" when they really hadn't proven themselves trustworthy.

I found it an amazing book. Your mileage may vary, but I loved it.

I also read Psychopath Free. Wasn't the best for me, but I know many people like it.

It’s sounds like you’ve reached a decisive moment. I know that won’t have been easy. I wish you all the best in navigating your way out of the marriage.

You won’t need this immediately but it might help as a reference down the track: https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254/ref=nodl_?dplnkId=705bad5e-1f9b-4b73-93c7-35966f6f9c3e

If you’re divorcing her, have you seen this book?

https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254?dplnkId=6b937ae6-0f48-49e9-a42d-73c43ef043bc&nodl=1

by watching Bojack Horseman. My husband wBPD is male so it's easier to relate to, but watching Bojack go through a ton of romantic relationships just to escape the pain of his BPD really helps you take the rejection less personally. Watch it, then rewatch it, and keep watching until you see people wBPD are just desperately trying to escape their own pain by any means possible. Any new partner is exclusively fed lies so remember you're on the same team and they just don't realize it yet. They'll stop seeing you as the enemy once they piece the parts together someday.

ps DBT is great for healing https://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Skills-Workbook/dp/1684034582

It sounds like you’re trapped. You know she’s badly impacting your health but you love and care for your children too and you don’t want to lose them.

You might already know about this book: https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254

Hence the name of the book: Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder. Was such an eye-opener when I ran across the book that had the title of the way I felt I lived my life. https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1684036895

I know you’re not divorcing but this may still be a useful reference in successfully extracting yourself from that sticky and toxic web:

https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254?dplnkId=654fffb6-de84-462a-b497-5f5f18ec3de4&nodl=1

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy book with exercises

If you’re willing to put up with the continued compulsive cheating, her packed lunches sound great!

But seriously you seem paralyzed so I hope you find the courage to move on to the next chapter of your life.

This book might be of use if you chose to end it:

https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254

Freedom awaits you. I hope you stay strong, assertive and set your own agenda and pace. Don’t react to her baits. Don’t let her use sex, sympathy or guilt-tripping on you to draw you back into the trap. It won’t get better, it’ll only get worse.

Have you read this book on divorcing a pwBPD?

https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1684036119

Don't waste your time arguing. It's likely all projection and blame. I highly recommend this book to help understand what is happening https://www.amazon.ca/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321

>. They just now started couples therapy together, so it’s too early to tell how that will go.

This will likely turn to shit.. if he wasn't away for long enough or not in the right place mentally, she will reel him back in

Get your friend to read this book. It saved me. https://www.amazon.ca/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321

I have yet to find a book review that doesn't complain about something, but Stern is a psychoanalyst at Yale University's medical center and associate director for the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. Bona fides aren't everything, but it often puts more fodder on the table for consideration. Most authors in the field of psychology are criticized for their work if it's not presented in a gender neutral format, but I find most of the educational material related to abuse to be interchangeably applicable. Depending on your needs, you might try something by David Palting. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B09GMLHXL9/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_hsch_vapi_tkin_p1_i0

As an aside, one of the best books about the phenomenology of alcoholism was written by a female columnist for the Boston Phoenix by the name of Caroline Knapp. Although she wrote Drinking: A Love Story from the perspective of female embodiment, I'd recommend it for anyone suffering from addiction.

Not worth the money.

Buy this instead: https://www.amazon.com/Gaslight-Effect-Survive-Manipulation-Control/dp/0767924452

> My wife relies on me a lot, so it would be disastrous for her if I left.

Bullshit. These people manage.

I recommend you take a look at these: https://sharischreiber.com/borderline-waifs-and-unsung-heroes/ and https://www.amazon.ca/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321

They're strawberry flavored gummies. Each one is 25 mg, and the directions recommend taking two. I'll take one or two depending on how I'm feeling. Here's the Amazon link:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B095FMCMDM/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_S1Z9TZ4YAJ2GNAZT04F6?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1

{So if a pwBPD finds a “new supply”, they disappear, right?}

Ideally, unless they want to play both sides of the supply line. To find the person or persons who will meet most of their needs is the goal.

"Is it possible that he’ll just want to get this divorce over and done with as easy as possible so he can be free?"

Nothing is ever "easy as possible" with a characterologically corrupted man-child, but I'm rooting for you.

Buy this book: https://www.amazon.com/High-Conflict-Divorce-Women-Coping-Strategies/dp/1641528192

There's an excruciating pointlessness to her back and forth that will become more obvious once you break the spell.

https://www.amazon.com/Codependency-Recovery-Plan-Understand-Codependent/dp/1641520833

OP, keep in mind that BPDLO is an abuse support forum, so most of our subscribers are domestic abuse victims, who suffered abuse from people with BPD. So you might not get the supportive feedback you're looking for. That said, you should read the book, Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Manning.

You might also want to ask this question in a BPD person subreddit.

Some practical advice: 1. See if she will agree to go to DBT (dialectical behavior therapy). It is the only evidence-based treatment for BPD. 2. Stop hoping for her to change, especially if she won't agree to go to therapy. People only change if they want to. If you're not okay with the situation, you need to leave it (divorce or separation). 3. You can't control someone else's behavior, but you can control your response. You need to learn to interact with her in ways that do not enable her BPD traits. I recommend this book.

This is very likely the answer. Check this book out, my therapist recommended it to me and it helped me out quite a bit.

The Gaslighting Recovery Workbook: Healing From Emotional Abuse https://www.amazon.com/dp/1646112695/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_i_47HFX7J6MX1TWAAD7J65?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1

Throwawaysoicancry is right just don't chalk them up as torture or a bad thing

When we dream about the past, our past relationships, the people in our past, our subconscious is trying to send a message about what's happening in our present life

I'm completely over my ex it's no longer painful, all is forgiven, I have healed and currently dating a normal. Yet I still have dreams about my ex periodically and sometimes they will go 3 or 4 nights in a row. But I'm able to interpret them into something I may be struggling with now

Every time the dream is trying to alert me to something going on today so the dreams are extremely useful, I use this app interepts my dreams using this very simple concept

It's not astrology it's not hocus-pocus, black magic, tarot cards bullshit Yada Yada. It's psychology based theory. I'll share it with you

Check out Android App: "Dream Interpretation" https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.kanna.dreaminterpretation

Dreams after the fact are very normal and they can feel disturbing and haunting at the time. It's been almost a year ago and in the beginning I had dreams about my ex and my experiences almost every night

Now my dreams are sporadic, I will have them for 3 or 4 nights in a row and then they'll disappear. But today I have come to an understanding why I have these dreams that I do. What happened in our past is a reflection on what's going on with in our lives today

The events in our past will manifest what we are struggling with in our present life. I have an app that I use that stays without this concept in mind

https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.kanna.dreaminterpretation

I think when she says that it sounds like she means all people with BPD get better, but unless I am wrong, she says that if treated with the right therapy (lifelong therapy, pretty much) people actually get better.

Now, I don't know the statistics, so I don't know how well the therapy works if actually pursued long-term as she says, so she might've said it with those words to encourage people so they don't despair and actually go get that actually kind of therapy (which would be unfortunate, you don't want to sound like you are inflating numbers) , if she was accurate in her statement or if she used faulty data.

I believe the 2 other comments on here were very dismissive of the fact that some people on this subreddit are family members, friends, work colleagues or still trying to work things out with the BPDs in their lives, thus the reaction they got... It's understandable they are hurt, but I feel it's important that we find ways to help people who are still having to deal with their BPD loved ones. I made a poll on this sub after seeing their reaction to the video to see how many people potentially still have to deal with their BPDs, I didn't want to pry too much with the poll. Here it is for posterity https://www.strawpoll.me/16528631

It is really painful, and I am so sorry you are going through it. The way I survived was through a combination of activities:

- Therapy. Are you seeing a therapist? If not, get to one immediately. It is by far the best thing you can do.

- Gym. Go to the gym everyday. Twice a day if you need to. You can direct that energy towards personal improvement and it will help your anxiety and sleep.

- Other activities and distractions. The worst thing you can do is sit alone and dwell. Go to the movies. Find a social activity you can attend (meetup.com). Do stuff even if you aren't interested. Talk to people if you have the energy.

- Read as much as you can about BPD and codependency. Check the sticky for recommendations. It will help a ton.

Good luck! I am rooting for you.

If you have not read it already, read this book: https://smile.amazon.com/Splitting-Second-Protecting-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/B098KCHVWJ/ref=sr_1_1?crid=L65GJEI945V0&keywords=splitting&qid=1643849760&sprefix=splitting%2Caps%2C119&sr=8-1

Neika, I suggest you read the book, Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist. It contains numerous tips that likely will prove valuable during your divorce process and the custody fight.

Following the divorce, I would suggest you consider "parallel parenting" instead of co-parenting. See, e.g., the article, <em>You Can't Co-Parent with a Toxic Ex, But You Can Do This Instead</em>.

Your body knows. I bought this book but haven't gotten to it yet (about 5 books in line right now). If I thought my exBPD would read it I'd send her a copy as she had every malady there is.

https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748/ref=sr_1_1?crid=179FLJN56ERUH&amp;keywords=the+body+keeps+the+score&amp;qid=1642609563&amp;sprefix=the+body+k%2Caps%2C91&amp;sr=8-1

If you haven't started I'd recommend keeping a journal. It helps me A LOT to go back and read what was happening in our relationship when I miss her and think things could be different. I also wrote down a list of all the mean things she did, the ways she disrespected me, etc.

My situation was very similar to yours. Cheated (she said we were apart, i was not aware of that. She did rage on me 4 days earlier and I didn't reach out and try to clear it up because it was her mess). told her I wasn't comfortable with her making new male friends and she did anyway so i was gone.

I should have been 100% done when she cheated the first time.

Also, time does heal all wounds. You just have to push through. I found meditation with the Breethe app, the mindful journal and this forum to be immensely helpful.

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https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1948337002/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o01_s00?ie=UTF8&amp;psc=1

Don't take anything she says personally. I know that's hard to do with your partner, who knows you so well, but a pwBPD will say cruel things that aren't really about you, but a symptom of their disorder (now if you ACTUALLY did something wrong, that's a different case). Educate yourself on how to cope with BPD so you don't overreact. Most importantly, know yourself. You sound quite self-aware; don't let her tell you who you are, no matter how confident she sounds. It takes strong boundaries to thrive in this kind of relationship, because she will never stop testing you.

As a fellow nice guy seeing a pwBPD, what I found most helpful was learning what it was like for other men to date a BPD woman (Quora has a lot of great answers). There is a very particular dynamic that gets played out, like a song on the radio, in every such relationship. Every one, mine and yours included. Seeing the pattern is like seeing the Matrix and has helped me immensely to cope with the difficulties in staying with her: I trigger her less often, I don't want to die every time she goes negative, I don't throw gasoline on the fire she started. It will never be a "normal" relationship, so don't expect one, but if you learn how to handle it skillfully, it is not without its rewards. Whether that's worth it is up to you.

Since you are a self-described nice guy, you may find this article illuminating: https://tinyurl.com/y9xuz8hp. It explains very well why nice guys and women with BPD are naturally drawn together... often with catastrophic consequences. Be careful, and look out for yourself.

(Sorry if I'm saying things you already know; just my two cents.)

It did for me. My partner had threatened violence, but not actually laid hands on me. The first (and last) time my partner laid hands on me, it escalated so quickly that I thought there was a good chance he would kill me. His eyes were empty and black and when I looked at him, there was no one home. Just black holes of hate and rage. I couldn't appeal to my partner's love or compassion, because he was gone. He pretty much stayed in that state for a couple weeks. I have never seen anything like it. I would describe it almost as multiple personalities or a psychotic break.

A book that helped me a lot is called "Why Does He Do That," by Lundy Bancroft. Here is a link to read online https://www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf. It really explains the mind and motivations of an abuser. Experiencing domestic violence/ intimate partner violence is a real mind fuck because you feel love for the person who is hurting you. And trauma bonding keeps you attached to the abuser. If you can, it would be a great idea to get away from your partner for a while. Even if you can't bring yourself to break it off completely, ask him/her for no contact for a few weeks and then really enforce it. Find a friend or family member who loves you and preferably who understands domestic violence to confide everything in. Call a domestic violence hotline. They also do domestic violence text support now. The more people you tell, the stronger you will be in moving forward in a way that protects your well being.

It usually takes 7 tries/breakups before breaking up for good from an abuser. So don't beat yourself up if you end up reconciling with him and he does it again (and he'll definitely do it again). Just find ways to make yourself strong, to care for yourself, to nurture your friendships, and to research what is happening. I also recommend reading the book, "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist."

Lmao holy shit did you hack my phone and screenshot my last business trip?

Listen here king, the first thing you gotta do is disengage. Stop chasing after her, she wants your attention to validate her, and it will never be enough. So stop killing your mind trying to fill her needs.

Second thing you need to do is Read this book. Right now.

You don't have to live like this. You deserve better

> I was wondering if I have my own BPD

This is normal for everyone coming here. If you're wondering if you have BPD, you most likely do not. pwBPD cannot accept responsibility for their behavior, when a relationship ends they will blame everything on their partner. Codependents tend to put too much blame on themselves.

Fear of abandonment and especially loneliness is also a part of codependency (and probably a lot more PDs). You must show signs of at least 5 BPD symptoms in order to be diagnosed.

On the whole subject, there's a really great podcast that helped me a lot: You Can't Split Me (it used to be on YouTube but all videos are gone, not sure why).

> I wasn't any more addicted to her than she to me.

But you're still addicted to her. Do you think she feels the same way still? The sad truth is that they are too focused on themselves to truly care about anyone else, it's always about what other people can do for them. They can replace you within a day if they find someone else, just look through this sub, it happens all the time.

Obviously we cannot tell you what your issues are, you should seek professional help.

I'm 4 months out. I've been reading a lot on what BPD is, to try to understand how the world looks from the BPD perspective and for my own closure. "Stop Walking on Eggshells" is actually a great resource and has good tips on boundary setting if I ever end up in a similar situation in the future. The whole audiobook is accessible on Youtube. Quora also provides some interesting posts/ comments from people with BPD on what it's like to live with the disease - it helped me shift some of the anger into sheer pity.

I'm working on conflict management/ de-escalation/ boundary-setting skills to be able to handle volatile people better in the future; also researching on potential resources (my rights, how to file a restraining order if needed) if anything ever escalates. Reddit has a whole subreddit for legal advice on narcissists, so knowing that it's there if anything terrible happens makes me feel safe.

I read advice columns on how to deal with difficult people - Captain Awkward is one of my favourites. I'm in a local support group for healing from narcissist abuse I found on MeetUp.com - it's a safe space where I feel people really get me.

And I'm practicing intensive self-care - cooking amazing food for myself, taking myself out, spending time with people I absolutely love, expanding my social network, working on my career, writing in my gratitude journal, reading books for fun, etc.

Things do get better. :)

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Dude, I've got 2 kids. I got out the kids were 10 and 14 and it took many months after I got out before I realized how bad it was for me and the kids. The kids realized it as well.

I highly recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321

Does this seem familiar? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dA8n5O_-dfk

Read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/B01GUBLHYA

It will explain what you are going through and what you are currently doing. Once you decide you want out, read "splitting" by Bill Eddy before you do anything because shit will hit the fan.

It's real. I am absolutely sold on the Structural Dissociation model; it explains everything.

Read this book or, for a free tour, visit this website..

Same as with my ex. Best sex for 3 months then - 'you're only with me for sex' and 'there are so many other facets to my personality than just the sex'. I was mortified - she'd called me a player a month or so earlier.

So the next time we met I was determined that we would do anything but have sex. We met, hugged, I asked her what she wanted to do - thinking cinema, meal, shopping etc.

'I want to make love'.

I think it was the only way she felt fuilfilled but felt ashamed about it and projected her shame onto me by turning me into a sex addict. Of course, she was sexually abused by a close relative when she was 10 so can't have helped but have an unhealthy attitude to sex and intimacy.

As for being a player, she's regularly trawling Match.com while still with her current guy, but her profile says she's not into casual as she's looking for 'the one', so I guess that makes it ok then...

Phones are essentially impossible to undelete files from unless the phone is "rooted." The exception is if you recorded it to a microSD card in the phone, which you can eject and put in a computer and run "Recuva" (google it) to recover the deleted files from.

I got two of these and they have helped me immensely. Keep recording on the phone for her to see, and if she makes you delete again she doesn't have to know about the other secret one in your breast pocket.

Note that I am in a state where this is legal. Check your local laws. (But of course if she knows you're recording on a phone and you have her consenting there, as far as I know any backup recordings are in the clear even if if you delete the primary.)

Have you read Stop Caretaking the BPD/NPD in your life

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321

Several times my pwBPD would tell me how I should have responded to something, and when I bought up that I did in fact respond like that hours earlier, the goal post is simply moved. I think I was still trying to find the correct response to get some kind of validation: "Look how much I love you, I know who you are as a person, etc.," but the game only ends when they want. Like a child with a "Guess what number I'm thinking of" game, where the number keeps changing until they get bored.

I highly recommend this book which will clearly explain what you have been going through. It's completely typical but not a reason to accept it. It will provide a few tips about how to set boundaries.

https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321

OP, read this book: Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life. You can read it in about 8 hours.

The TLDR is that changing your behavior and activities to regulate her emotions for her is unhealthy for both of you. Instead, you should only support her as much as you are capable of doing while still living a worthwhile life for yourself. In order to accomplish this, you have to just live your life and not worry about her permission or even her presence in your life. Do your thing with no fear (within reason of course--all relationships have some discussion around conflicting boundaries and compromise--but for people like you and me, the problem is we obey their boundaries unflinchingly without establishing our own). You have to let go of or simply accept the fear of how she will react to you doing what you need to do. She might cry, get mad, storm off for three days and fuck an ex, or break up with you. That's okay. If her reaction to you doing something you love is for her to break up with you and reach out to her ex then you have to be prepared for that to happen. Or maybe you doing what you love will give her opportunities to engage in better behaviors, emotional regulation, and healthier coping mechanisms.

Lastly, consider finding a therapist who specializes in supporting codependents or people partnered with BPD/NPD/BP types.

Lotus, for most abused partners, I recommend Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist, by Margalis Fjelstad. For relatives and those partners deciding to remain in the relationship, I recommend The Essential Family Guide to BPD, by Randi Kreger.

https://www.amazon.com/Someone-Borderline-Personality-Disorder-Control/dp/1593856075

Edit: Hit enter too soon. There's also a podcast made by someone who is a counselor who has BPD, where she talks about how she and her husband handle it all. I think it's called borderline to beautiful.

My last piece of advice is trust your gut. If it feels weird and wrong, it probably is, no matter how much she tries to convince you otherwise.

If you feel like its taking a turn in the stalking direction you might want to unblock him but set it to where you aren't notified of his messages that way you have a record of the behavior. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING AND DOCUMENT NOT ENGAGE. If you are fearing for your safety or he starts making threats don't be afraid to make a police report. I would also recommend the book Gift of fear. Listen to your gut, you are more than likely NOT overreacting. Leaving you "gifts" and idling outside your home is not normal behavior.

Finding out about that model made things better for my pwBPD, but yeah, for now you are in potentially very serious danger.

This book might help.

But start with this article, then google “structural dissociation” and BPD:

“Our traumatized part sees danger, criticisms, and abandonment everywhere, and has a hard time receiving love.

It is frozen in time, so when our traumatized part takes over, we feel like a child in an adult body.

It is always on guard, always waiting to be harmed or betrayed.

It controls our body and emotions in ways we are not always conscious of. For instance, when we grind our teeth at night, or when we burst into an uncontrollable rage.”

It's not really about you knowing the person in person, it's about their perceptions of the people they're involved with. It's about kind of pulling up from the edges of their mask and revealing the scared child they are underneath to help them work on that part of their life.

You just have to ask them to tell you about their day, and listen genuinely. They're really scared children (let's be honest though, most people have some degree of this) and they don't trust the concept of trust itself, and think that their feelings are the only thing they can trust. Sharing your emotions helps because they're so bad (SO BAD) at reading emotions and tend to do worst-case scenario.

PM me your email unless you know of a better way to send it. It's a couple MB but all my old go to file sharing services have kind of collapsed.

It's a really good book actually. Idk where you live, but if you want it paperback there's this: https://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Skills-Workbook/dp/1684034582/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?dchild=1&amp;keywords=dbt&amp;qid=1617509341&amp;sr=8-1

And if you like what you see, there's this very handy quick resource: https://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Skills-Card/dp/1684033985/ref=mp_s_a_1_4?dchild=1&amp;keywords=dbt+cards&amp;qid=1617509376&amp;sr=8-4

Just so that you know, if your pwBPD gets better who they are will likely not be anything like who they were, and it might take a long while before they have their self-identity to any level similar to your own. Not saying it's not worth it or whatever (that is up to you) but just keep that in mind. They need to explore and try things to grow up, and that sometimes takes a while.

This book https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321 will help you until you can do something.

Living with someone that has BPD, just like NPD, can make you sick. Dr Ramani has a good episode about it https://youtu.be/MCAzQN0P3-4

It works when they are with a caretaker.. but eventually the caretaker wakes up.

This books covers it really well: https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321

Signed: someone who was a caretaker and eventually woke up.