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EMDR therapy is remarkably effective in helping people overcome sexual abuse trauma like the kind you describe (specific issues with penetration)
Some therapists offer sliding scale to make treatment affordable for people who need it. You could look at it as a good investment in yourself and your relationship.
Also,
The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Wendy Maltz
Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma by Staci Haines
are both fantastic resources recommended by many therapists
> "Going to bed mad won't kill a relationship, but waking up unhappy will. Each new day should yield so many new possibilities, and feeling like you're stuck somewhere you don't wanna be is the pits."
From the book, "SUCK LESS: Where there's a Willam, There's a Way" by Willam Belli, aka, /u/noextrai .
> but after an "incident" where one of her close (male friends), made unwanted sexual advances at her, she's completely shut down sexually.
She should be seeing a therapist who specializes in helping people recover from sexual trauma.
Healing from trauma like she experienced is possible, but she needs help.
Is this person still part of her/your social circle?
I often recommend these resources here, because they are so good:
The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Wendy Maltz
Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma by Staci Haines
Good Girls' Guide To Bad Girl Sex is an awesome book! I'm glad it's been helpful for you!
> I told her to think about every day for another month and she said she would.
I hope another monthly challenge is in the works.
For anyone who wants the link: The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex: An Indispensable Guide to Pleasure & Seduction
> but soon it went the way of her repeating all the things I've done wrong and how shitty I treated her.
If you're so shitty why hasn't she left you yet? It's a valid question.
I agree with u/Toodark2read that you need marriage counseling - maybe a different counselor - a neutral 3rd party so your efforts don't keep ending up as a weekly dump session for your wife.
The counselor you are currently seeing may not be a good fit for both of you.
The incident with her smashing the bowl is concerning. You have listened to her and her needs for a couple of weeks now. Why are you not able to share any thoughts without her escalating into violence?
> How can I have a functioning marriage when I'm walking on eggshells not knowing when she'll blow up?
Get yourself a copy of Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder regardless of whether she has a Dx for those or not, because the situation is pretty much the same - you're going out of your to avoid upsetting her, and her reaction is not proportional to the actual situation.
Your wife doesn't respect you, simple as that. The problem isn't her, its you. Do yourself a favor and read this book before you go see a divorce lawyer, trust me it WILL HELP.
Zoloft? Oy.
As a partner of someone who once utilized Zoloft it was incredibly rough. I am no doctor but have taken an interest in understanding SSRI and it's effect on a relationship as a whole (mostly reading online), and I fully believe that doctors are not being straight forward on just how big these could impact libido. With my partner it took a complete nosedive to the point where she simply uninterested in sex.
My suggestion to any partners taking Zoloft is pretty straightforward. Are they willing to acknowledge that their sex drive is impacted heavily by this drug and willing to address it in other ways or regularly check in with their doctor to see if the using Zoloft is still the appropriate strategy. If it looks like you'll be on it for a while, just have a frank discussion with your partner and let them know what the circumstances are, and work with them.
Reading your post definitely brings me back to the early days once the Zoloft kicked in, frustration all around, wondering where I went wrong and what the issues were, Contemplating divorce. You acknowledging the situation is huge though and I think you're on the right path.
If you're interested in reading more I recommend this book https://www.amazon.com/Coming-Age-Zoloft-Antidepressants-Cheered/dp/0062059734
> I love your body and how good it feels but I just get so caught up and stuck in my own head. I will start trying to let my mind rest and focus on the moment.
Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire by Dr. Lori Brotto, w/fwd by Dr. Emily Nagoski, could be a good book for you, they tackle this exact subject in great detail, with actionable exercises
> In Better Sex through Mindfulness, acclaimed psychologist and sex researcher Lori A. Brotto offers a revolutionary approach to improving desire, arousal, and satisfaction inside―and outside of―the bedroom.
> A pioneer in the use of mindfulness for treating sexual difficulties, Brotto has helped hundreds of women cultivate more exciting, fulfilling sexual experiences.
> In this accessible, relatable book, she explores the various reasons for sexual problems, such as stress and incessant multitasking, and tells the stories of many of the women she has treated over the years. She also provides easy, effective exercises that readers can do on their own to increase desire and sexual enjoyment, whether their goal is to overcome a sexual difficulty or simply give their love life a boost.
https://www.amazon.com/Better-Sex-Through-Mindfulness-Cultivate/dp/1771642351
I'm still not done with her as she fired her attorney and has hired a real MFer. Oh well.
It's funny in retrospect how much I really dislike her as a person now that I'm gone. For 20 years, I was subsciously suppressing basic urges and reactions to her BS.
What really has her tit in a ringer is that she really doesn't have me under control anymore. It infuriates her that I've moved on so quickly.
She finally got on match.com and had a date Saturday (she oh so subtlely dropped enough hints...she's sooo clever....LMFAO).
I know her so well I'm almost able to plot everything she does. And the buttons she pushed on me before no longer work -- though she keeps trying.
And although I'm not a button pusher, I do jab her occasionally for sport. (childish I know).
You need to get a copy of Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
You also need to get a lawyer who has experience with "high conflict personalities" and get your ducks in a row before you make a move.
Your lawyer can best advise you, but going "no contact" if you don't have kids, is often the safest route for you to take.
You need to protect yourself.
My accountant (and one of my best friends) said a while ago that in four years she'll be in credit card debt again.
But this thing with her new attorney could be really bad.
Sadly, she'll need someone to bail her out of that. Hopefully, she can meet someone.
Funny but she created a match.com profile using the email account we share -- one neither one of us has touched much in over 6 months. Obviously, she was hoping I'd see it.
Good Girl's Guide To Bad Girl sex: An Indispensable Guide to Seduction and Pleasure by Barbara Keesling is an awesome book that might be helpful to you. https://www.amazon.com/Good-Girls-Guide-Girl-Indispensable/dp/1590771281
Also, it might help you to schedule nights you're initiating to ease the transition until you've really got your groove. It will stop mixed or missed signals, etc.
Tell him to be patient and work with you on the learning curve too. Punishing you for trying won't help either of you.
I can't say for sure. BUT. I recently read this book, and it helped me realize a lot of how I'm contributing to my DB - it's still early days, so I can't say how well the tips in it work, but it did offer insight into myself, how my own actions affect things, general awareness, accountability and an action plan. Which was a huge relief. It's really badly written, but the content is good.
Made me see myself and my actions in a new light. It might to the same for you.
> I just never feel like I volunteerly want to have sex.
> just want to desire my husband and to give him the sex he deserves.
What was the sex like when you were dating? Have you ever been crazy hot for him?
If you're open to it, reading The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex: An Indispensable Guide to Pleasure & Seduction by Dr. Barbara Keesling could be a tremendous help for you in exploring what it is that YOU want sexually and what brings you the most satisfaction.
Likewise, She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner would be a good resource for your husband.
> and THEN when he starts touching me, it actually feels repulsive.
HUGE. Red. Flag.
These types of issues at only 3 months into the relationship, I'd move on to someone more compatible.
You're not LL, you're just LL for him.
You're not sexually attracted to him, and the Pursuer-Distancer pattern you have going on between you is killing off any remaining desire you have for him.
You're just not compatible sexually.
You both deserve to be with someone who is HL for you.
Edit: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love can help you avoid an anxious-preoccupied partner in the future
I am sad for you. Because you are hurt. I would be angry.
I would be angry because she's not the only one who feels tricked, right? But also because minding spending and the budget is apparently something that doesn't happen if you're not on task.
But I would also try and steady myself. Sounds like that baby is due in the next month or so. The truth is, that a lot of couples struggle with finances when growing their family, and I'm sure you wouldn't be taking it as personally if there was a happy, healthy sex life in your marriage.
However, re: the family business, now is probably the time to talk about what the five year plan looks like for your role with the company. Especially because it's a family business, but also, the motivator for the conversation would be clear and reasonable. It should be a somewhat expected conversation. If you're looking for a book to read, I recommend "Getting to Yes." It's a bit heavier of a read than nomoremrniceguy, but is hands down the best negotiation book I've ever read.
I have been in this situation before, as the girl who didn't want to engage in any oral sex at least. I can tell you as a survivor of some terrible abuse, that it takes time to let those walls down and to be vulnerable and TRUST someone.
My current SO has an insane sex drive, and it was tearing us apart for a while. Therapy, and getting over my own bullshit was a huge help, but it was not without the efforts and patience and love from my SO that I could have recovered fully from all of that shit.
My advice, if you want it would be this:
i. If you care about her and see yourself getting into something long term with this or any person, be patient, be open with feelings and communicate.
ii. For her, if she hasn't sought therapy for the abuse, it's definitely time to do so. Process that shit, because the anxiety, stress and all that comes with it leeches out into every aspect of your life whether or not you know it does. CBT is amazing for this, and I am a huge advocate of this process because it worked for me (might not work for everyone's issues).
iii. Both of you, read the book "Come As You Are" to gain some insight on the female body, orgasm and all that comes with it.
For overcoming fears about being "slutty"? I'm not aware of anything specific to that fear, for men.
She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman is a good general guide for improving sex.
The Joy of Sex is always a classic, even the updated version.
I would have to agree with this article 100 percent, we do all of these things.
For explanation: I came here to this sub because someone mentioned DB and I have no experience with this so was curious. I am floored, I and my husband (married 15) both have HL, and will just say a very healthy sex life because I am in no way trying to brag. I definitely don’t want add any more pain to anyone here, my heart breaks for those struggling with this.
Yet I was wondering if anyone here has readcome as you are ? I couldn’t suggest it more. It talks about the two main desire types. 80% of men and 15% of women have what’s called spontaneous sexual desire. 70% of women and 15% of men have responsive sexual desire. The book is all about women’s sexuality and how to better it by helping to tech us not only about ourselves, but how the two types can come together. It also talks about the dual control model of human sexuality that is a lot more accurate than seeing it as a drive.
Please feel free to delete this if I am out of line, I just thought the book mine help someone reading this.
Edited to add I also can’t rave enough about Gottman, and am not a fan of Esther. Dr Nagoski who wrote the book leans more towards him as well. Esther would have you start messing with perfectly health attachment and turn it dysfunctional to get more sex.
Is the therapist you saw at all aware that the exercise unleashed all this for you? They should be helping you or referring you to someone who can - a kink positive therapist could be very helpful.
In the meantime, there aren't a lot of self-help books for men recovering from childhood sexual abuse, but the classic Victims No Longer: The Classic Guide for Men Recovering from Sexual Child Abuse by Mike Lew is a very good resource.
A child is, literally, an attack on your relationship that you need to make defenses against.
Each of you needs to spend time, attention and affection on yourself. As a couple, you need to have time where you focus only on each other, reinforce how awesome each other is, and spend time, attention and affection on each other.
These things aren't optional. They aren't quite as necessary as keeping the child alive, but they are much more necessary than almost any other element of your daily grind.
How you live your life reflects your priorities. If you have time for laundry but not each other, then you are actually caring more about the laundry than each other.
I like this because it's fairly solid study-wise and doesn't come with a lot of freight of one author's pet theories. It's a nice few minute guide to some of the things you should pay attention to.
I saw this elsewhere on this sub, and burned through the audiobook in less than a week. It is about an 8 hour listen, and you can skip the first chapter, which is just the author talking about what has gone on from one book revision to the next.
I was absolutely floored by how much the thing resonates with me. The chapters wind up offset. The audiobook chapter one is the rehash I mentioned, chapter 2 is a preface, and chapter 3 is chapter 1. Audiobook chapter 2 and the first five minutes of chapter 3 just had me nailed to the wall, not to mention the relationship to my wife. If you have amazon prime, the audiobook is free if you log in with your amazon credentials:
No More Mr Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex, and Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/0762415339/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_ySueEbZFJPF5K
Be warned - it isn’t comfortable to listen to. A whole lot of introspection comes up from it.
EDIT - another warning, it can be a bit sexist in places, but being wrongheaded in one place doesn’t invalidate his points as a whole. Try to be open-minded going in.
People have said a lot of good things I won’t repeat, but have you read up on codependency?
It is usually a word we use for the partners of addicts, but it can apply to abusive situations as well, and to situations like yours, where one partner is extremely depressed and the other becomes a caretaker and unintentional enabler of the sickness. The person is less psychologically motivated to truly get well because of the dynamic. The relationship becomes more of an addiction than a love.
Sometimes the depressed, addicted, or otherwise unwell person gets worse after parting, and other times they realize they need more serious help than they have been seeking once cut off from their codependent partner. (Abusers don’t usually ever get well but this doesn’t sound like your wife.)
Your wife is relying on you for all her needs to be met and you are sacrificing your needs to play this role. This erodes you and your sense of self in the world, as well as your agency. A codependent relationship with a depressive isn’t healthy for either party.
https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/signs-of-a-codependent-relationship
Do you actually know what MS is? You might be right and her MS has not affected her sexual desire yet. I have no idea. There is no rhyme or reason to what is damaged first. Here's a WebMD article. Notice that it gives advice on how to discuss sexual intimacy and desire with one's partner to resolve concerns. It does not say anything about getting that desire back. At some point that just is not possible. The nerves don't grow back after they're damaged. I sincerely hope OP's wife has not reached that point yet and she has a very slow progression of the illness.
https://www.webmd.com/multiple-sclerosis/multiple-sclerosis-maintaining-intimacy
Sexual abuse and trauma can definitely affect one's sexuality, even decades later.
Therapy can be so helpful. Are you seeing someone who specializes in helping people recover and heal from sexual abuse?
I often recommend these resources here, because they are so good:
The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Wendy Maltz
Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma by Staci Haines
My PT did recommend this book for IC:
The Interstitial Cystitis Solution: A Holistic Plan for Healing Painful Symptoms, Resolving Bladder and Pelvic Floor Dysfunction, and Taking Back Your Life
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1592337376/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_-rWIBbW1YQSNQ
One can leave when one is not happy. Considering the kids and the time together, I might try out counseling first. But as another user has mentioned, given your post history, we think your SO has some addiction problems. I highly recommend Al-Anon for you. Try out a couple meetings in your area.
And maybe check out this book. It helped me.
I'm no expert, but I think just you : /
I'm groggy and still drinking my coffee so I can't remember the wording of that saying about how the difficult times are revealing. Maybe you can learn something about yourself. Maybe you weren't as confident as you thought before him. When I was having a similar problem I realized how dangerous it is to braid my self-esteem with the approval of others. That's a lifetime of work but start with taking care of yourself again for you. For me, p90x and Dance Central 2 helped a lot to clear my head of negative thoughts but I knew any time I thought "If I do ____, he'll want me" that I was setting myself up for failure. Approval and reassurance is nice, but I remember my mom warning me that they are addictive.
Times is tough. I'm sorry. If you're a reader, Feeling Good or The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns is like soul food for your sad.
I see. May I suggest Google Keep? I have a huge jumbled mess of sticky notes on my desktop right now, and I've been slowly moving them over to Google Keep. I don't know if it's the right thing for that, but there you go anyway.
I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. But listen, you're young, and you have led an unusually sheltered life. So it follows that you are comparatively naive.
How much do you know about your wife's vulva? Where did you get your information from? Did your father explain it to you? (How well informed is he anyway?)
It wouldn't be your fault, but I would like to suggest to you that your problem is that you don't know what you're doing.
There is a very good book that will explain in detail how your wife's body works (sexually) - it will explain to you how to give her the most joyous time.
Your wife should not be experiencing any pain during your love making, and there was no need for pain on your first night - that pain that she experienced is a sign that you were doing it wrong.
If you can learn to pleasure your wife without expectation of reaching your own climax but instead prioritising her, she will begin to crave sex with you. You will be more sexually satisfied than you have ever imagined possible - just from the joy and excitement of seeing your wife lose herself in ecstasy brought about through your love making. (Don't worry, you still get to have your orgasm - it's just that she comes first.)
And the resultant buzz that will engulf the two of you for the rest of your lives will cement your relationship rock solid (you'll need that for when you become parents!)
The book is called - She Comes First - it's by Ian Kerner
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060538260/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_imm_CGW4REVJF25HHRBMQWT1
Okay - so it may not turn out to be quite the elixir I have made it out to be - but it will definitely help you on your way . . .
I hope not. I'm working on bringing adventure back. The Talk doesn't work. Take a look at this book. It's been eye-opening for me.
https://www.amazon.com/Dead-Bedroom-Repair-Manual-comprehensive-ebook/dp/B08M3WL3XJ
Oh yes, my wife is much more pleasant not worrying about sex.
She's often fearful that she's screwed up innocuous things if she knows I'm worried about our sex life. I never blow up at her; I actually have an aversion to outward expressions of anger. She just assumes I'm going to leave her over sex issues, and therefore worries about screwing up other parts of our relationship, even though they really are not a big deal. For example, we might be having a conversation about our day, and she gets worried about asking me a simple question about my day. It's very strange to me. I tell her she doesn't have to apologize over such things. She's obviously genuinely worried about asking rather bland questions.
I'm working on radical acceptance of our situation. She, like your husband, is very capable in certain areas that I appreciate, just not in the bedroom.
If we can't get our sex life going well, I think at some point I'll ask for an open relationship, but not for at least a year of things going generally OK. That will probably be a shit-show, but I'll feel better with myself for at least asking.
Good luck with your acceptance. Spouses should get medals for sticking with their marriages when their SO does not live up to expectations. It is a burden we bear. At least with a sick spouse you get empathy. We get nothing for accepting a DB except for a happy SO. Things could be worse.
BTW, here's a book about accepting disappointment with your SO: https://www.amazon.com/Radical-Acceptance-Andrea-Miller-audiobook/dp/B071KH6L4W
I'm kinda where you are. This book on radical acceptance talks about exactly what you're looking for, accepting and loving your spouse, flaws and all.
If you're looking for female attention, I think you can do better than a strip club. Mostly it's just a way to quickly dispose of your cash with women who aren't giving you any real attention. You can see a lot of flesh for free at a beach or pool.
Learn to talk to women who are not your wife. Practice flirting. It's good for you. Read some books if you want. A good one is Models by Mark Manson. I think you're better off honing your flirting and conversation skills with women who you aren't paying to pay attention to you, and then applying what you learn to try to seduce your wife. Or honing those skills so you're hitting the ground running when you end up divorced. Either way you come out ahead.
>How bad a husband am I?
I don't have enough context to judge. If you're not making it clear how much ongoing, grinding rejection hurts you, you owe it to your wife and yourself to tell her repeatedly, maybe share Sex Starved Marriage book with her.
If you're not helping her work through her depression to at least try to get yourself laid when she feels less bad about herself, you should work on that. My wife's depression is more workable when she is exercising, and then I get laid more (by her).
Have you two gone to a counsellor? It sounds like she wants to work it out?
If anything, you should encourage her to masturbate, it will help her figure out where her sexuality went. Think of those orgasms as seed corn that will yield a whole crop of orgasms someday, hopefully, if she's actually doing it with any regularity.
You say you've lurked for a while, so you know what responsive desire is and she does too?
Two links I really like are this one http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL7yBnpAg9pJRvtR4_PS2KBKuAikdw9TgI and this one https://www.dropbox.com/sh/o6xfzd0ohsq5wgy/90KP2ZkQMo/The%20Sex%20Nerd%20on%20What%20Women%20Want.pdf
> I'm not tying to date a psycho, but seriously, of all the women I've dated (and I've dated a LOT of women from a LOT of backgrounds I've learned a few things) A) They all lie B) They all cheat and C) Most of them are fucking stupid.
If you keep finding/dating women who have those traits, you're either fishing in a very shallow pool or you're just very unlucky.
Reading your posts made me think of The Universal Hot/Crazy Matrix video. ;-)
Your current woman either sounds like she's extremely manipulative or has some serious mental conflicts. If it were me, I'd be moving on.
Good luck to you.
Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire by Dr. Lori Brotto, w/fwd by Dr. Emily Nagoski, could be a good book for you, they tackle this exact subject in great detail, with actionable exercises
> In Better Sex through Mindfulness, acclaimed psychologist and sex researcher Lori A. Brotto offers a revolutionary approach to improving desire, arousal, and satisfaction inside―and outside of―the bedroom.
> A pioneer in the use of mindfulness for treating sexual difficulties, Brotto has helped hundreds of women cultivate more exciting, fulfilling sexual experiences.
> In this accessible, relatable book, she explores the various reasons for sexual problems, such as stress and incessant multitasking, and tells the stories of many of the women she has treated over the years. She also provides easy, effective exercises that readers can do on their own to increase desire and sexual enjoyment, whether their goal is to overcome a sexual difficulty or simply give their love life a boost.
https://www.amazon.com/Better-Sex-Through-Mindfulness-Cultivate/dp/1771642351
This is a book that distills all the best advice that you can get from here:
https://www.amazon.com/Dead-Bedroom-Repair-Manual-comprehensive-ebook/dp/B08M3WL3XJ
This sub is great to hear from others like you. But we need to do the research and the work to fix things. The book above can help.
Long story short, the name alone tells you the biggest point. Never do it close to home, don't do it with someone who lives near you or is part of your social circle, don't do it with someone your spouse knows.
Best plan is to tell your spouse that you've reached the breaking point and want a divorce. Ethical nonmonogamy is fine when both parties are on board, but that can't come from a place of coercion. If your husband isn't an enthusiastic part of the arrangement, then it won't work. Ultimatums and demands don't make it ethical, and from what you've said, he's not on board. Realistically, the time to talk about ENM is long, long before it ever happens, and the conversation should be ongoing.
You are long past that now, and while you could start the conversation today, you should expect a good year or so of just talking about it (there are books out thereon the subject, read them, preferably together) and working out the mental objections. Basically, you (and by that I mean anyone contemplating ENM or even a monogamous relationship too) need to have your own shit together before you start adding complications. I promise you, this is crucial.
I really enjoy stoicism. It was a big life changer for me, personally. The idea that we have no control over others, their feelings, responses to us, etc but we do have control over our own lives and can create a constructive and positive direction for ourselves regardless of the hardship we endure, is motivating and significant to me.
If you're interested, I'd highly recommend these books. They're a great read. They honestly impacted me greatly.
I'd also encourage you to devote your emotional energy into yourself more often. Do things that you love and that make you feel good, just for yourself.
It can be learning new skills, engaging with hobbies you once loved, reconnecting with friends and family, discovering new interests of yours, investing more time into projects that give your life more meaning, etc.
>Also she's a type 1 diabetic since age 8 so she knows how to deal with it.
Oh sorry, I assumed she was Type 2, because of the weight issues. Having Type 1 puts her at even higher risk of depression and other mental health issues. It sucks that she (and you) are having to deal with that. It's a horrible disease.
>I get what it means but it seems not reasonable in my situation. If I just let things slip or ask her to do them, then they don't get done.
I understand. This is the huge problem that you have to confront when trying to repair an overfunctioner/underfunctioner dynamic. It's not easy! Plus, backing off from the overfunctioning tends to cause a lot of anxiety and increase the amount of conflict in the relationship, which is really hard to cope with.
I feel for you. I really do. I hope you'll consider reading more about this dynamic, though, and see whether there are some areas where you can step back. Here's another good book, although it's written from a woman's perspective so it might not resonate as much for you.
Hugs. I hear you and understand completely. I'm a people pleaser.
If you want more quotes that really hit me hard -
Pick up this book. Artwork is lovely and the simple phrases really hit me.
I found it as a hardback book at target.
The same author wrote He Comes Next.
You could take a look at The Sexually Healthy Man. Though this is written from the lens of how conservative religious cultures often demonize male sexuality, but it does have some really good information.
There's also Not Always in the Mood by Sarah Hunter Murray.
Third this, OP. You are describing a domestic abuse situation (including ongoing emotional abuse) that has a side effect or symptom which is a dead bedroom. But most of the warning signs you list would be for domestic abuse well beyond a DB. There are plenty of DBs that boil down to libido mismatch that have nothing to do with the manipulation you describe. And BTW, you describe great warning signs / red flags for manipulation!!
Suggest you have a look at George Simon's book In Sheep's Clothing: understanding and dealing with manipulative people.
Get therapy for yourself and re-build your deep sense of self-worth & self-esteem. It's waiting in there in the recess of your soul to come out and flourish for the next 15 years... Find a little space for it to start shining. Divorce will be a likely side-effect of this process, but more importantly you will do separate from your wife coming from a place of confidence and belief in yourself. Good luck!
She needs to be in therapy with a counselor who helps people recover and heal from sexual abuse and trauma.
But be aware that sometimes, people can't heal from sexual trauma while they are in a relationship where there are sexual expectations. It's not uncommon at all for a marriage to not survive the recovery journey, or there to be no progress in therapy until the relationship has ended
I often recommend these resources here, because they are so good:
The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Wendy Maltz
Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma by Staci Haines
But healing from.sexual abuse is something she has to want to do for herself
> Its even correlated strongly with low testosterone.
Would you give me a citation? I searched on google scholar and didn't find a single study on porn addiction and testosterone.
I did find this study which found that, in the lab, viewing time for sexual materials was positively correlated with measured testosterone.
If dental hygiene is a problem, perhaps you could show him this article discussing the link between heart disease and poor oral hygiene. Maybe that will nudge him in the right direction.
In regards to the foreplay, I'm afraid that sometimes you just can't teach an old dog new tricks. Especially if he has no desire to change.
Hard to say without seeing the blood panel, but a large variation in the size of red blood cells and low iron levels could be a genetic disease called Thalassemia, in which case treating with iron supplementation would not be helpful (and could even hurt). Typical indicators include higher red blood count (RBC), lower hemoglobin and hematocrit (HGB and HCT), low MCW and MCHC and elevated RDW (red cell size variation).
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/thalassemia/symptoms-causes/syc-20354995
Thalassemia is particularly common amongst people of Mediterranean heritage--Italians, Greeks, Jews, North Africans, etc.
I would hope your doctor would catch that if that's the diagnosis, but it might be worth investigating.
I'm curious who it is. :)
Here's a book about it. The Pleasure Gap.
Here's an article that provides a pretty good overview.
I've seen this book recommended, but haven't read it myself.
I get it. I’ve been married almost 26 years but I dealt with debilitating shyness and being so self conscious for the first 17-18 years. I’m also a sexual trauma survivor. First of all, be honest with your spouse. Be forthcoming about your feelings of shyness and that you are trying to overcome it. You’re going to get turned down sometimes and the hope is that your spouse will be gentle about it. We have a rule that if it’s a ‘no’ for tonight then the other person has the responsibility to initiate next time.
Second, it really helped me to read some books with positive messages about sex and the importance of it in a marriage. I was starved for sex positive messages. I had enough negative running through my head.
Third, I worked on my own healing. I talked to my husband about my sexual trauma. I participated in counseling. This book “Intimate Issues” was life changing for me. https://www.amazon.com/Intimate-Issues-Twenty-One-Questions-Christian-ebook/dp/B002IPZJUQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=intimate+issues+by+linda+dillow&qid=1625709210&sprefix=intimate+issues&sr=8-3
Forth, I took action. I started initiating more assertively. I worked on my anxiety about being rejected. I stopped those runaway thoughts and got out of my own head. Sometimes it was necessary to only focus on touching or kissing-just starting (which may or may not lead to anywhere.) I find I am less shy when I don’t think it to death.
This all only works if you have a loving, supportive, willing partner that you can completely trust.
Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire by Lori Brotto and Emily Nagoski has a lot of exercises for exactly that.
https://www.amazon.com/Better-Sex-Through-Mindfulness-Cultivate/dp/1771642351
Sounds like she is mainly afraid of the pain so hence the panic attacks...have you tried getting a book on having sex that is geared toward nervous or fearful women?? I see that there is a book on amazon you could maybe check out together for her called "A Woman's Guide to Overcoming Sexual Fear and Pain." Link below:
https://www.amazon.com/A-Woman-s-Guide-to-Overcoming-Sexual-Fear-and-Pain/dp/1626540829/ref=cm_cr_dp_d_rvw_txt?ie=UTF8 <<<This book is a WORKBOOK with actual sexual "EXERCISES" and activities you two can do together to help her along to the point of being ready to have sex without having a panic attack.
Does she ever masturbate? Have you tried gently fingering her or using a small/slim vibrator inside her (with a TON of lube on both her and it) or anything like that? I am sorry you are having this problem. You should listen to your gut on this one (in terms of what to do--like to stay with her, try to help her or leave). Even if you end up leaving though it would be nice to at least get her a decent book first (something like the one I linked to) just in case it might help her out in the future, as I feel really bad for her too and you probably do as well!--You can't make her read it with you if she is not interested, but maybe it could possibly help. So sorry you guys are going through this. (((hugs)))
I highly, highly recommend you get a copies of:
and I sincerely wish you the best outcome, whatever that winds up being.
Hi there! Sorry to hear you've been dealing with this lack of sex, affection and intimacy. I've been spending the last several years coping with this same situation in a variety of ways. Currently I have a daily morning routine that's been helping. The first part is to read the daily passage from The Daily Stoic and to really try to absorb it, not just quickly reading the words. The passages are pretty short so it doesn't take much time. Then I spent a few minutes on very simple journaling: 5 things I'm grateful for, 5 things that would make today great. Finally, before I leave for work, I've been doing a 10-minute guided mindfulness meditation using the Headspace app. If I forget, or am running late, I'll try to do it at lunch time. They're all small things individually, but I do think they've been having a positive impact on my mood and outlook.
Good luck to you!
According to WebMD: " In a variety of studies, anywhere between 1% and 50% of men complained of sore testicles, including epididymitis (“blue balls”) for up to a year."
1%to 50%? That's a hell of a range.
If you are curious about the whole enchilada, I recommend this book: https://www.audible.com/pd/Self-Development/Breaking-the-Habit-of-Being-Yourself-Audiobook/B01MEH7DLA?qid=1498116630&sr=1-1 My biggest takeaway from it is how to know/stop your body and emotional memory from commanding your mind.
>We did have sex maybe 2 or 3 times in 2011 and 1 time in 2012. Every time she had a couple of drinks and the mood was right. The last time in 2013 we had sex because we wanted kids, and luckily for us we had a baby in 2013.
I don't want to say "WTF did you do THAT for!?!?", but WTF? She'd already revealed the DB to come, and THEN she gets pregnant? She Baby-Trapped you.
She successfully posed as normal libido JUST LONG ENOUGH, and she thinks she has you properly shackled. You get to say yes or no to the "Shackled and trapped" part; she's willing to have sex ONCE more in your life, to get that second baby.
As the schmuck who got trapped exactly that way (I have no idea how Bitchy Wife #1 got pregnant that second time...) I can only recommend running NOW while you still have a chance. She will NEVER again want sex. If you like sex, you'll have to ~~divorce~~ leave her and cut yourself free.
Good luck!
I am sorry you feel this way. I think DBs can really impact a person's self esteem over time, you're not alone.
I would really recommend you look into self validated intimacy. It can be really empowering and help people build and maintain a sense of confidence and self worth in their relationships, regardless of their partner. This may be really beneficial for you.
I would also like to recommend these books, as they are some of my favorites. They were incredibly influential in my life personally, and really gave perspective to how we can overcome our own personal hardship, become stronger and wiser people, and how we can shift our perceptions and use them to our benefit. You may enjoy them.
>I find it also sometimes puts me in a worse emotional mood after reading experiences from others that I wasn’t actually thinking about at the moment, but am now.
I have actually heard other people make this statement as well. For a lot of people, this sub can be harmful for their mental well being because they're constantly immersed in their misery and others' misery as well. It can be an overload for one's emotional and mental state.
>Nevertheless, doing the things that are “healthy” is hurting right now, at least for me. It zaps my energy, I obsess over it, and just ruins my day.
It's not abnormal to feel this way. Many people who go to therapy often find that it gets worse before it gets better. When you're not avoiding your painful emotions and facing the hard and nuanced reality you're in, it can be really awful. But this is a common experience and you're not alone. Have you expressed this struggle to your therapist? I hope they're giving you healthy coping skills in the process.
>Do you have any self-care mental health strategies that you do for yourself to keep you going, or quickly get you to a positive place?
I really like reading about stoicism. If you're a reader (they may have audiobooks, as well), you may be interested in reading these books. I find that it gave me a lot of feelings of control, calm, and peace. I enjoyed them.
I also really advocate for finding boundaries and enforcing them appropriately. We need to advocate for ourselves and that means having boundaries we can identify and implement so we're not harming ourselves.
Exercise is always a great avenue to explore as well. I find that it really calms me down and makes me feel good, just for myself. I know others here have had similar experiences.
She might not tell you her story but she has a book. It's a steal and would be a good place to start.
Funny thing: a year ago my on-again-of-again-fwb and I were laying down together when she said her period was starting. I said "I don't mind" and grabbed a couple of dark towels. A couple hours later, the place looked like a murder scene, and she was exhausted with the most amazing smile on her face. Over the next week, she commented how much better she felt, and how from a purely therapeutic perspective she felt much better and her cramps were virtually nonexistent for the rest of her period. Now every month when her period comes around, she gets really insistent and demanding... :)
It's all in how you look at it. Is her period an excuse to quit, or an opportunity for an internal massage in the shower or on some dark sheets?
Oh, fwiw -- These folks sell a super-nice but expensive $350 "period sex blanket" https://www.shethinx.com/products/period-blanket but you can find the "Liberator Fascinator" on ebay for $99, or pick up a more economical alternative from Amazon for $60 or so https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01MXX5MRB/ (suuuuure, that's a baby changing sheet. Uh huh.) Pick one of those up, fold it up on the top of the dresser, and say "This is for next time you could use a massage when your period comes." And see where that leads -- can't be more 'no' than it is now...
I actually have a lot of hope for you because you're both still talking to each other.
I've never read this book, but the author's open relationship book is outstanding, and I assume this is great too: https://www.amazon.com/Ultimate-Guide-Kink-BDSM-Erotic/dp/157344779X
Maybe read it together?
Please go see a therapist. Make the call tomorrow.
Also contact the suicide hotline.
If you need help, call or text a lifeline: Crisis Text Line (text BRAVE to 741741) and the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-TALK)
I know everything feels overwhelming to you right now, but you have to understand that your brain isn't functioning properly. The stress you are experiencing is causing brain changes. There are people who love you and care about you.
Reach out to a friend, call a therapist, call the suicide hotline.
Read this book 10% Happier by Dan Harris. He talks about how to overcome the asshole voice in your brain and tell it to shut up. You are a worthy and important person.
I echo the advice on the 'Getting to Yes' book. There are actually some decent summaries you can find. It basically boils down to both parties ability to negotiate is directly related to your 'BATNA.' That is Best Alternative to No Agreement. In practice for a salary negotiation you need to have other options and be ready to take them if you don't get what you need. This is why retention packages are the status quo in many sectors - your only way to get a substantial raise is to prove your market value by obtaining another offer.
There are many other points on the book as well.
You need to read "Is It You, Me, or Adult ADD."
ADHD can have its own sexual side effects and this book addresses some of that for the partners to people with ADHD.
I have left my deadbedroom, but ADHD played a role in my husband's LL.
I would tell her it's time to start counseling NOW. Find someone sex positive and get to work immediately. Waiting six months and offering up those choices WILL result in her picking the counseling option and you will be treated to another six months at least of her trying to figure out how to keep the status quo before you realize that from the day of posting this, you've spent a YEAR with zero improvements.
Counseling: Now. If that doesn't help, then y'all can talk about opening things up or like, IDK actually divorcing.
I think you should spend the rest of your lunches reading "Too good to leave, too bad to stay," just to give yourself some perspective.
Maybe pick her up a copy of "Come As You Are," or maybe someone else can make a recommendation? I haven't read the book and IDK what the best reading suggestion for a FLL is. Oh, actually, if she likes sex when you guys have it, there's a TEDx talk that might get through to her.
EDIT: Additionally, the whole LLpartner says "maybe this would work" and then comes SMASHING down on the HL partner for trying that suggestion seems to signify at least a disingenuous person, at worst? A manipulative, toxic person who is power-playing or gas-lighting you. This is a big fuckin' deal.
Myth. Re: Efficiency.
Check addyi- Flibanserin - Addyi
There are many naturopathic options if you’re interested. Ask around... they might have the same efficiency as prescription medication. Jmho.
Knowing you should leave, having everyone around you encourage you to leave, having even declared that you are going to leave yet never leaving - you are extremely co-dependent.
Good thing is it's a well-established form of dysfunctional relating, and you can get treatment for it and get yourself free. Please look into a therapist that deals with co-dependency - look one up in your area or ask a friend to find you one. Then make an appointment and start going. You can do this.
You'll get a lot of advice on this subject that it can't be done, but of course that's not true. There's a lot you can do to have a fulfilling life even without sex. Based on your comments, here are some suggestions.
1.) Develop an emotional support system that is much wider than just your husband. You mentioned that you've recently moved, so it will take an effort to make friends. Go out and do social activities and meet people. This could be anything you're interested in. Check meetup.com to see what is available in your area. Or go to church, join a sports team, or get back into a hobby you used to do, and befriend the people you meet there.
2.) Make masturbation more sensual and loving. Get some toys, have wine, really explore your body. Maybe go for therapeutic massages occasionally.
3.) Embrace your sensuality in a way that doesn't depend on your husband. Dress in flattering clothes that make you feel good. Style your hair and makeup. Dance or work out. Eat well.
4.) Put more energy into non-sexual activities that are fun and make you feel good about yourself. Put effort into your career, learning new skills, taking classes, fitness, whatever gives you esteem and confidence.
Ctrl-C (copy) , Ctrl-V (paste) Good enough.
Well, okay, toss in at least 25% of what Diggitydawg85 said as well.
I heard there was a study that showed couples who had daily sex saved their marriages. Here’s the link for it: Unscientific Article About It
>I do not know anyone here besides him and do not have close family, so I'm on my own in that respect.
A first step could be to focus on making friends and building a support system. You could start today doing social activities on your own that would help you meet people and make friends. Check out meetup.com or get back into an old hobby, go to church if you're religious (or a UU church if you're not really), ask people from work to go out for a drink, or similar.
This really is an opportunity to build a better life, even though it doesn't feel that way right now.
I know it's a bit cutesy, but they seem to back up the cutesy with some rigor:
http://www.happify.com/hd/the-science-behind-a-happy-relationship/
I don't know which, specifically, of their sources says that the happiest couples have sex 2-3x per week, but I'll believe it over Discover's blog entry of a meta-study.
It's just blather not supported by anything.
Here's a popular, attractive article that is boiled-down study results:
http://www.happify.com/hd/the-science-behind-a-happy-relationship/
Relevant to this sub:
- The happiest couples have sex 2-3 times per week
- Sex once a week or more makes you significantly happier
Burns has a Podcast "Feeling Good" that I recommend anyone suffering from depression listen to.
This doesn't sound too unusual. Take a look at the reading materials. This is a good one: https://www.amazon.com/Dead-Bedroom-Repair-Manual-comprehensive-ebook/dp/B08M3WL3XJ
There might many causes. There might be things that you have not figured out yet. But it seems that masturbating everyday will reduce your libido.
Check this book. It might help you brainstorm about the situation or give you other perspectives. https://www.amazon.com/Dead-Bedroom-Repair-Manual-comprehensive-ebook/dp/B08M3WL3XJ
OP, have you read any of the suggested reading from the FAQ?
First one I'd suggest for you:
First, read this and then live it.
Second, I've been where you are with the anger issues and believe me controlling your anger is good for your marriage but even better for yourself. You need to cool everything down and take a step back to understand what is going on with you and your wife.
Third, what is your history like? Has sex always been like this or was it better before?
Along with the book "Come as you are", I highly recommend the book "The Dead Bedroom Repair Manual".
It was extensively researched and wonderfully written by a smart and experienced woman who knows this subreddit well and often contributes ideas and advice here. It was recommended to me a few months ago and reading it has helped me understand my sexual relationship with my wife at a much deeper level. The book has excellent ideas which helped me a lot and, from the situation you described, should be a help to you as well.
Good luck to you. After over 30 years together, my relationship with my wife is still a work in progress but at least there is progress!
The New Male Sexuality by Bernie Zilbergeld
https://www.amazon.com/New-Male-Sexuality-Revised/dp/0553380427
He Comes Next: The Thinking Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man is the companion book to She Comes First, both by Ian Kerner
Here's a link. Way less expensive than therapy. <3
https://www.amazon.com/New-Codependency-Guidance-Todays-Generation-ebook/dp/B001NLL7SO
Your situation is sucky. Most will say leave but it does not seem like you have the means. I have been reading this book from one of the resident experts. Not sure if it will help him since he has not followed up on his promises twice. However, hopefully it will help you manage the situation. Maybe if you get lucky, you can get him to read it too. It is only $4 on the kindle.
Here's a pre-order link: https://www.amazon.com/Great-Sex-Rescue-Recover-Intended/dp/1540900827/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=the+great+sex+rescue&qid=1610661223&sr=8-1
Don't know if you know who she is but she's the writer of the To Love, Honor, and Vacuum blog and her stuff lately has been really good. Probs a little heavy on the religious aspect for you, but I know you don't let that deter you from gleaning the good info.
Never heard of this. Very expensive. Maybe first try this book recently published by a resident expert here on Kindle by myexparamour (or something similar)
https://www.amazon.com/Dead-Bedroom-Repair-Manual-comprehensive-ebook/dp/B08M3WL3XJ
I would do some reading about codependency. The classic book, The Enabler: When Helping Hurts the Ones You Love is good. Or The New Codependency: Help and Guidance for Today's Generation. The latter one is on sale for only $1.99 today.
I was reading a book at the behest of my wife. It's His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage(Amazon link). It's not as hokey as it sounds.
So, the thing is, the author outlines a number of things* that members of a relationship need for emotional fulfillment. An number of his list seem to be things you lack from him: Financial support, conversation, recreational companionship, and physical attractiveness to name a few.
Some people don't rank sex as highly as others. It's normal. I'm certainly not going to call you out over not wanting to knock boots with someone who leaves you so unfulfilled in the relationship. You find a different man who fills your emotional needs and you're probably going to be more inclined to tear his buttons off with your teeth.
I'm sorry you find yourself at this point. If he were to go through and start doing the things that you need, would you be able to salvage the marriage? Or is it too late for you?
*Here's the author's complete list:
- Affection
- Sexual Fulfillment
- Conversation
- Recreational Companionship
- Honesty and Openness
- Physical Attractiveness
- Financial Support
- Domestic Support
- Family Commitment
- Admiration
Different people rank these things differently, of course. If you're interested in the cliff notes version of his book, you can get that on the authors website here.
There's a lot here. Come over and join us at r/keto r/1200isplenty r/strongcurves and r/xxfitness for encouragement and advice, first of all.
Chasing an orgasm is, yeah. We've all been there. It is a VERY common and normal problem for women to get trapped in their own thought cycles, and not be able to orgasm. Have you read the Bible of women's sexuality, Come As You Are? The author, Emily Nagoski, wrote a book about how to get out of your own head and enjoy sex in the moment more -- it's called Better Sex Through Mindfulness and I would recommend both books for you: https://www.amazon.com/Better-Sex-Through-Mindfulness-Cultivate/dp/1771642351
If he is having trouble with erections or libido, it is important to remember that, with men, this is almost never due to YOU. Women are taught to blame themselves -- I must not be hot enough, I must not be exciting enough, he doesn't desire me anymore, I'm too old, I'm too fat, it's me, it's me -- but the most common reasons for low libido in men are testosterone related, life stress, or porn addiction.
What's your communication about this like? What does he say about his lack of libido?
https://www.amazon.com/Satisfyer-Men-Masturbator-Realistic-Feeling/dp/B078HW4Z8P
Cannot confirm utility - but saw it referenced on r/sex...just saying divorce papers and an email to amazon and you could be a helluva lot happier in a few days.
/u/db_helper you have been summoned! I'll bet a $1 he's super excited to reply to this post! ;-)
Edit: I actually have a recommendation that is unlikely to be given by others. The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living. It's not a typical book that you sit down a read cover to cover. Instead you get one little nugget of each wisdom each day to read and consider. As someone that sometimes finds my available time each day lacking, I really like it.
https://www.amazon.com/Daily-Stoic-Meditations-Wisdom-Perseverance/dp/0735211736
It's not specifically related to relationships, but I have The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living on my night stand and read the daily passage each morning. (I've also branched out to reading Seneca and Marcus Aurelius) I like that it only takes about 5 minutes each morning and it's helped redefine the way I think about the challenges I have to deal with in life, including the DB. Specifically, it's helped me to focus my mental energy things I can directly control and not dwell on things that are not in my control.
Sure! First things first. It's NOT trying to convince yourself that the relationship is fine how it is and downplaying your unhappiness with it. However, you CAN tell yourself, "Okay, well the relationship might be kinda crap right now, but my life is more than just this one thing." I concentrated on the things that I was happy about in life, like my job that I love and am good at, my 6 dogs at home, good friends and family, etc. You can lose sight of all that when you're deep in a DB and miserable about life but when you step back, you can find things that you are grateful for and can focus in on. I stopped relying on validation from my partner as a source of my self worth. So one single person in the world doesn't want to have sex with me? That sucks, but I'm not going to let one person determine 100% of my self worth and esteem. I refused to stay mired in misery, focused on kicking ass at work, played with my dogs a bit more each day, started eating healthier and working out more, reading books instead of staying up drinking and watching TV.
I also recommend the book The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living. It's very easy to consume, as it's just one passage per day. But I've found it to be a nice daily ritual to put things in perspective.
Good luck!
Yah my vagina with a plastic toy in it has got to be so much better than flesh on flesh... NOT LOL
Which by some miracle just happened within a 10 days of the last time. (I track with https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.tmsl.trackmysexlife&hl=en.)
I spent 30 minutes giving a BJ and he spent 10 minutes on me. Granted I had 3-4 orgasms but still...
I use this app: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.tmsl.trackmysexlife
It's not extraordinary but it allows json exports and I can have solid numbers about how many times we did it last month, and if it's improving or not (I have the feeling like we never have sex, but in the last 6 months we haven't had a month with less than two times). I wouldn't stick it on my SO's nose though, only if she asks. If she cared only a little I'd ask her to do the same so we could compare it.
edit: don't be the spreadsheet guy http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/21/man-wife-spreadsheet-sex_n_5605670.html
> If the OP decides it's not worth salvaging then that's her business
You are right. But in which case, OP, u/frozen_ablaze, I think you should pick up this book called "too good to leave, too bad to stay." Read it, and chew on it. It's not designed to help people leave relationships. It's designed to help people decide if they should.
yeah, that's not her getting turned on. she may enjoy it because it sounds like a nice way to end up happy. i'm going to send you a link - here are some descriptions of what it looks like when a lesbian is trying to be attracted to men or trying to appear so. i am bi and i don't relate to any of this at all. it was shared on a page that i followed a long time ago though. you might want to read through it and see how much of it reminds you of her. i don't really know how you can handle that information either, it's a really tough situation to realize your partner is gay. i hope you can speak to a therapist or a close friend about it if you come to realize she is. you could also educate yourself more on lesbian sexuality and then talk to her directly. if she is gay she may genuinely not realize.
https://www.docdroid.net/N46Ea3o/copy-of-am-i-a-lesbian-masterdoc-pdf#page=9
You know I'd love to tell you the story of the day my SO yelled into my face that he would be happy if he never had sex with me again and that I should stop asking. But our situations are different. My SO is a user of porn and was taking very good "care of himself." I did do a lot of your pleasing behaviors in contrast with my husband gaining weight and leaning into poor health.
I will tell you that I asked for a divorce, moved out, went to marital counseling with him, and filed for divorce before we had sex again. In total it was four months without sex. And this was without medical impediments to sex.
He needs to get his levels checked and you guys should go to counseling. Counseling has really provided us with a safe place to discuss issues. You and I are practically the same age. Seriously if you can't get him to do the blood work, and if he won't go to counseling with you, or if he goes to counseling and closes himself off to the process, I want you to read Too Good to Stay, Too Bad to Leave. . I recommend this book a lot on this sub. It's not written specifically for DBs, but it perfectly addresses our situation of misery, no matter how narrow or wide, in a relationship.
Sorry, but it sounds like she has one of the Cluster B Personality Disorders. Spoiler alert: she is very unlikely to get better.
People with PD are usually shaped that way by their upbringing, she has always been that way and probably does not have any other experience of a different response to life. She was damaged during her formative years, and unfortunately, she will very very likely remain that way. People with PD are almost always unfixable. Before you say to yourself, "But we're special! We'll make it!"; let me be the raincloud that says, "No."
Again, she will destroy you and run you to the ground without remorse or self-awareness. You can't fix her. She has to want to fix herself, but she doesn't sound like she even cares.
Some reading:
r/BPDlovedones
r/raisedbynarcissists