The sickest part in all of this is the fact that there IS a book, and it only serves to confirm our parents distorted beliefs on why the estrangement needed to happen in the first place. It just feeds right back in to their narrative.
It's really helpful for me to remind myself that their feelings and behavior towards me actually have *nothing t*o do with me but have everything to do with them. Our stories feel so individual and personal until we start sharing them and realize that, when it comes to emotionally unavailable parents, their behavior is all the same and so incredibly predictable. And it has nothing to do with us and who we are as people. It has everything to do with them being terribly sad, broken people, and they're broken in a way that we can't fix by changing our behavior, trying to be perfect, trying to meet their impossible expectations, etc. Their deep core wounds weren't caused by us and can't be fixed by us. r/raisedbynarcissists has been really helpful, as has this book. Microdosing has been insansely helpful.
It sounds like you want this "come to Jesus" moment to be THE LAST attempt for... something. The thing is, your parents have had decades to fix things. The "fixer" isn't on you, the adult child. The thing is, your parents have CHOSEN time and time again to place the blame on you, play victim/martyr, belittle, insult, undermine, invalidate, minimize, and diminish you. Verbally abuse and emotionally abuse you. It is a CHOICE they have made again and again and again.
You are right - they will NEVER admit to the abuse. Why set yourself up for reopening old wounds?
The ball is in THEIR court, not yours. It is not up to you to bear that emotional burden. Set yourself free. They've dug their grave, to be blunt.
If you do truly decide to confront them, I suggest reading this book, the chapter called "confrontation" and memorize your rehearsed scripts for the inevitable gaslighting. Because it will happen.
All About Love by bell hooks
I never looked at love and everything with it through these perspectives, and it totally changed my viewpoint and how I handle all of my relationships.
Some quotes:
“Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love…When we understand love as the will to nurture our own and another’s spiritual growth, it becomes clear that we cannot claim to love if we are hurtful and abusive. Love and abuse cannot coexist.”
“There can be no love without justice…abuse and neglect negate love. Care and affirmation, the opposite of abuse and humiliation, are the foundation of love. It is a testimony to the failure of loving practice that abuse is happening in the first place.”
“All too often women believe it is a sign of commitment, an expression of love, to endure unkindness or cruelty, to forgive and forget. In actuality, when we love rightly we know that the healthy, loving response to cruelty and abuse is putting ourselves out of harm’s way.”
“The wounded child inside many males is a boy who, when he first spoke his truths, was silenced by paternal sadism, by a patriarchal world that did not want him to claim his true feelings. The wounded child inside many females is a girl who was taught from early childhood that she must become something other than herself, deny her true feelings, in order to attract and please others.”
You might want to read Alice Miller's The Drama of the Gifted Child and Lindsay Gibson's series of books about Emotionally Immature parents go into more detail about this.
I'd also recommend Mothers who can't love, regardless of your gender or your N's gender. The most enlightening moment for me was when it addressed why I was both a desperately wanted child and why I felt like my young childhood was decent, only for it to flip into awfulness after puberty.
You are a Complete Disappointment were the dying words of another estranged parent.
The author uses humor in this book. Others have walked down our path. Hugs
Get yourself a little birthday gift <3
Hey, I have a book recommendation for you if you're into that sort of thing: Mothers who can't love by Susan Forward. I came from a kind of similar circumstance in that I was desperately wanted by my mother, she was 20 when I was born so real rush job there. It never made any sense to me that she acted like a great mom for my early childhood, (mostly, looking back not as much), but then started acting abusively as I got older. But Forward suggests in this book that parents like these have children to fulfil their own needs, in other words, children are an attempt to address their own childhood wounds. It works too until the child starts going through the individuation process and has their own thoughts, feelings and needs. This book really helped me understand my nmom and ndad as wounded people, it solidified NC but also brought me a sort of peace. Hope it does the same for you.
This reminded me of the book Escape From Childhood: The Needs and Rights of Children by John Holt. It's a really great read to challenge all conventional wisdom about kids and childhood. In it, he describes how kids should be able to leave their home if they aren't happy (there's abuse, parents are fighting, or whatever) and have other safe options to choose from.
> I have never told anyone about this, not even my bestfriend of 3 years
You have taken the first step by posting here. That's huge!
Just know there are safe people out there that you can talk to, such as a teacher, a school counselor, etc.
But, if you're not ready to talk to do that yet, maybe try something like https://www.7cups.com/ - you can create an account with an email address and start talking to a listener in just a few minutes. That might be a way to start practicing talking to someone until you're ready to talk to someone in real life.
You're welcome. And, what a coincidence!
For the past few days/ week, I've been plugging my way through:
I'm obsessed with it. Also, on its societal implications.
I've already seen significant benefits by applying the concepts onto myself. I've put in at least 11 hours of practice. I will say though that I had quite a dangerous experience doing that yesterday.
If you go to your settings, under "your facebook information" there are options to transfer images and download archives.
Screencap from the settings screen in the old desktop FB interface. I haven't switched to the new one, so it might be different - just dig around in settings/information.https://snipboard.io/9ViNCa.jpg
ETA: I just checked the new FB interface and it's the same, just the fonts and colors and spacing are different. Same options, same layout. On mobile, go to the settings and scroll down to Your Facebook Information. There are options to download a copy of your info and to transfer photos/videos to another service.
Yes I completely get that. It’s great that you’re being proactive. I wonder if vitamin D may help ? If walking outside during the day may help ? A lightbox may help ?
A book I'm reading now: I Am Not Sick I Don't Need Help! How to Help Someone with Mental Illness Accept Treatment. The author's brother is schizophrenic and so this book isn't dry intellectual arguments, but based on stories where he couldn't help or made things worse and then ways he finally found to deal better.
My first take away is that there are several kinds of mental illness where the fact they can't see that anything is wrong is a part of the disease. I like how the book helps me to figure out how to support them but not give in to their weird theories. "Well, I love you and I can see you are suffering and I want to help with that, even I don't buy everything else you are saying..." kind of stuff.
It's helped me to see what I might have called "Their problem!" as their prison. Somebody close to me right now has fallen to paranoia. Paranoia can be constant or it can be a reaction to higher levels of stress. I'm hoping for the 2nd! I can't say that this book has made everything OK, nor am I sure I can deal with this on a daily basis. However, it has helped me get out of my head and my needs and my hurts and see them in a new light.
I walked away, full no contact with my family or origin. I am a big believer in not giving narcissists even a chance at taking a swipe at me. However, I'm not sure that is a reasonable boundary for somebody with mental illness. I don't know what is though. I don't even understand how much we can be there for them. However, on the subreddit for paranoia, they plead not to be abaonded. They can't even admit that there is anything wrong with them, but they still beg for support. I really don't have any answers.
I relate so much to your post.
For me, I see it as coming out of grieving and into acceptance. I’ve stopped hoping for other people to change, or having expectations. They have shown me for decades who they are, so now I focus on my needs and keeping myself safe.
I feel I really turned a corner after reading But It’s Your Family by Sherrie Campbell.
Hope your daughter’s heart issues resolve.
I can relate; I feel the same way. What you're describing sounds a lot like CPTSD. Reading this amazing book has helped a lot (the cover is weird and kinda grumpy looking - just ignore it, because the book is fantastic), as has microdosing and macrodosing psilocybin.
I feel this.
I just read Black Swan. I think she argues that this feeling of estrangement is merely the separation that all living beings need to come to terms with. Except, our childhood wasn't good enough to give us the tools or development time to process such a huge truth.
I think some of this are the expectations passed on from our toxic abusers, because this enmeshment is what they wanted. It was the justification for sucking us dry. These people are generally wrong about everything, so I can see how their drive would twist me here.
idk. I do recommend the book for abandonment issues. It is written like a story and it is the first time I've ever been able to sit down and read anything on this subject without just feeling 1000% defeated after 3 paragraphs. It only takes like an hour or two to read, which helped too!
I included the Amazon link for convenience but I found this book at my library and it really resonated with me much more than any other book I’ve read on this topic.
I don't totally agree with everything in this book, but I think it makes a few good basic points:
https://www.amazon.com/Generation-Sociopaths-Boomers-Betrayed-America/dp/0316395781
ti;dr Baby Boomers have dominated the economy, culture, politics for their entire lifespan and that has made them generally very self-centred and immature. They're used to everything being about them all the time, and they literally cannot deal now that some other people and issues are demanding attention and change.
Hiya, just wanted to link the book Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey Young. It’s a self-help version of Schema Therapy which is one of the main therapy models for reparenting.
Back out of the Christmas celebration with a middle finger extended. Nothing wrong with telling people to fuck off, even if they are family. Wipe the family labels and ask yourself if you'd let anybody else treat you like that. I still need to read this book. Apparently it's amazing.
hi there - I really feel for you in your struggle with all this. Be patient with yourself- you've just had your world turned upside down, and its OK to take the time you need to figure out what you want to do.
As I was reading this particular comment, it made me think of a book - maybe you would find it helpful - https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703
I've been off and on NC with my parents for twenty years. I have a bit of fight in me, so I can get a bit intimidating if anyone challenges me on something like this. Now that I understand it was fr trauma, I tell people my mom abused me and shock them on purpose. They have a false worldview that "but it's your family!". Yes, and my family of origin abused and neglected me. I have learned to be comfortable in the uncomfortable silence that usually follows.