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Yes you are right. Half the book is about practical math tips (strategies to solve a word problem, how to prepare for an exam, etc) and half is about psychological reasons that people become afraid of/discouraged by math. He talks about how children develop a "math trauma" so it fits well with Dr. K's teaching on samskaras. And how to simply understand things/not understand things rather than get caught up in math trauma.
If you know German or if it's been translated into English I would definitely recommend giving it a read. It seems to have been written with high school students as the target audience but wow I wish I knew this stuff much earlier.
Sorry, OP, the examples you give are not clear enough. Can you give a more detailed example? If English is not your first language, I recommend you use DeepL to get your point across. (the translator I am currently using to write this text)
>Why do i obsess over something so minuscule?
Sounds to me like you value getting the complete experience out of a video game and doing things the correct/proper way (aka not taking any shortcuts), but you disappointed yourself by not being true to your value.
Our values determine the nature of our problems, and the nature of our problems determines the quality of our lives. —Mark Manson
Ask yourself why you value that (whatever you actually value, mine was just a guess) in video games so much. Then identify what you have to do to live up to that value, currently it seems to be by playing it 100% "naturally". Then question it: is it actually important to play it "fair and square"? Why does this (the answer to the previous question) seem true? and so on and so on. Keep digging deeper until you find the root of the "problem" and that will also be the answer to your question. ("I dont know where these feelings come from and why im so hyperfixated on ‘the experience’ and making things right.")
​
I've been reading Mark Manson's book and he explains that if something is bugging you, two things are at play: a value and a metric aka how you assess progress toward that value. An example he presented: Value: brothers are supposed to have a good relationship with one another. Metric: being in contact by phone or email (they weren't).
After questioning himself he reached the conclusion that his metric was bad; maybe he didn't need to be in contact with him, but rather have mutual respect (which they had) in order to have a good relationship.
Good luck! I'm sure you'll be able to figure this out.
until he gets a video out you might consider some educational reading in the meantime! there are a lot of great resources out there now on various personality issues that provide fresh perspectives and advice.
I'm not a big fan of the cheesy pickup artist scene, but I feel like maybe reading or listening to one or two cheesy pickup artist books might benefit you. I don't see why you couldn't pick up some tips without getting sucked into the pickup artist worldview/lifestyle.
I have not read any of these so am not in a great place to recommend them. The most well known, The Game (which I did start and read maybe 20% of, like 15 years ago) is a bit dated. One that I heard recommended somewhere that I added to my audiobooks list is, https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B00D8LWER0/?coliid=I12R1DR16P545N&colid=30WD7TY7DRKZ4&psc=0&ref_=lv_ov_lig_dp_it which is written by a woman. So maybe start with something like that.
i can relate to this way more than you could imagine. I would suggest you read this bookthis book
I suffer from panic disorder and agoraphobia and in my profession i have to perform in front of hundreds/thousands of people, so i really know what you mean when you say you have to rise to the occasion. The problem is that in this "forcing" of ability is where the main problem lies with anxiety. If we accepted anxiety as such it would dissappear, but it doesnt make sense because we dont want it, so why would we accept it.
I by no means have it all figured out and have my off days, but therapy has really helped me deal with it better.
You mentioned your therapist, it seems like you are working on it, it might take a while, but im sure if you trust the process and try to appreciate the smallest of victories you will at some point be able to enjoy your life better.
Alcohol numbs the anxiety, but as it wears off it creates rebound anxiety and in addition to that, the alcohol withdrawal causes it's own anxiety. The short term "solution" to curing this withdrawal related anxiety is to alleviate the alcohol withdrawal by drinking. This creates a feedback loop wherein alcohol is actually making your anxiety worse, but is the short-term fix. This is one of the reasons alcohol can become so addictive.
I would recommend listening to alcohol explained by william porter. https://www.amazon.com/Alcohol-Explained-William-Porter-audiobook/dp/B0781182KH/ref=sr\_1\_1?crid=4DQYHUQUKL7K&keywords=alcohol+explained&qid=1669556857&sprefix=alcohol+explained%2Caps%2C228&sr=8-1
This is not related to yoga specifically, but I would recommend the book Close Your Mouth by Patrick McKeown. It focuses on nasal breathing, and it has a number of simple breathing exercises (mostly breath holds) that I think will give you the improvement you are looking for WRT when your breath runs out (I doubt it can physically increase the volume, but it gives the effect of greater/deeper breath).
You're "talking" to her? You're not even in a relationship with this girl, let alone an exclusive one. "Talking to" someone is not the same as being in a monogamous relationship with them. When you are "talking" to someone that you are interested in dating, very often they are also "talking" to other people, potentially going on dates with other people, and doing the types of things single people that "talk" to the opposite sex tend to do. Exclusivity, and the reasonable expectation of exclusivity, does not exist outside of an exclusive relationship, period.
I would suggest reading orlisteneing to Robert Glover's "No More Mr. Nice Guy", https://smile.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438CW/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1668989515&sr=8-1
You've got some major covert contracts going on here, and that's what's leading to your irrational and IMO entirely inappropriate for the situation frustrations.
I would read or listen to Matt Walker's "Why We Sleep". https://www.amazon.com/Why-We-Sleep-Matthew-Walker-audiobook/dp/B0752XRB5F/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2DZYTVDEUH9EN&keywords=why+we+sleep&qid=1668296345&sprefix=why+we+sleep%2Caps%2C121&sr=8-1 it talks quite a bit about Circadian Rhythms. Also give a listen to the Huberman Lab podcast/youtube episodes about sleep, including some on how we can shift our clock based on how and when we view light.
IIRC no it's not unhealthy to have a later circadian rhythm, as long as you're getting enough and good quality sleep. I am not a morning person, and have pretty much given up on trying to be one. That said, much of society is set up in such a way that favors morning people - for example most school (especially high school) and work schedules are set up in such a way as to benefit morning people, and society has a tendency to view people who aren't morning people as "lazy" etc. I was often viewed as lazy in my prior job for example because I didn't get to work early, even though I could show up 2 hours later and still get more work done by noon than 90% of those morons could ever dream of.
Yep, Open and Relational theology is the general umbrella term, and the best book to start with is probably Tom Oords intro book.
https://www.amazon.com/Open-Relational-Theology-Introduction-Life-Changing-ebook/dp/B095QL8BSJ
Have you read the book No More Mr Nice guy? If not it's worth a read/listen. https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-audiobook/dp/B078927ZYL/ref=sr_1_1?crid=353OEDAV16T0P&keywords=no+more+mr+nice+guy&qid=1666031046&qu=eyJxc2MiOiIyLjM0IiwicXNhIjoiMS45MiIsInFzcCI6IjIuMTYifQ%3D%3D&sprefix=no+more+mr+nice+guy%2Caps%2C112&sr=8-1
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That said, to some degree, joking around with a group of guys is a sign of affection. Usually, if a group of guys are giving you shit it's a sign that you are an accepted member of the group, so I do wonder if you are being overly sensitive here, it's impossible to know I think w/o seeing the dynamic of the group. If it's really singling you out, and not reciprocated that's not good. Just personally, I joke around a lot and if I'm in a group and people make fun of me, as long as it's done in a good natured way I laugh and give some right back ... do you do that, and if so how do they take it? If it's singling you out or mean spirited, it's time to leave that group.
Actually in the book Come as You Are: Revised and Updated: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Dr. Emily Nagoski, written primarily for women (though men would find it valuable), in its section titled "Complete the Cycle!" it says:
"Physical activity is the most efficient strategy for completing the stress response cycle and recalibrating your central nervous system into a calm state."
In other words, your examples are not gender specific, they are good for humans generally.
On the flipside, in Breaking the Male Code: Unlocking the Power of Friendship, Overcoming Male Isolation for a Longer, Happier Life by Dr. Robert Garfield, MD, in his and and team's survey with a sample of 381 men, they found that:
"close friendships between men were linked with "heart" behaviors such as emotional expressiveness, self-disclosure, vulnerability, reciprocity, and emotional support. We also found that the majority of the men wanted more intimacy in their male friendships, whether they already had some or not."
In addition:
"The higher the level of emotional intimacy in men's friendships, the greater the odds of experiencing help from male friends in some of the most intimate and important areas of men's lives--relationships, parenting, sex, health, and work."
In other words sharing feelings with other men had material, concrete, beneficial "problem-solving" outcomes.
So I would ask you to reconsider your position in light of this new data.
Sources: Breaking the Male Code: https://www.amazon.com/Breaking-Male-Code-Unlocking-Friendship-ebook/dp/B00OI5PH7O/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=breaking+the+male+code&qid=1664243715&qu=eyJxc2MiOiIwLjgzIiwicXNhIjoiMC40OSIsInFzcCI6IjAuNjYifQ%3D%3D&sr=8-1
Come as You Are https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform-ebook/dp/B08BZWXK9J/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1664243746&sr=8-1
I don't think that's CelestiaPrinny's intention. But that's why I think the language of "abuse" is over-used. Conflict is not abuse (there's even a book dedicated to that topic).
Often it's more appropriate to focus on conflict resolution rather than victim protection. The difference is you assume both sides have agency rather than completely absolving on party and dogpiling on the other.
Don't get the downvotes. It would be definitely worth trying.
you just need to get an extremely loud alarm clock
You certainly want to start seeing a psychologist. It will take some time to find the right one, and can take years to unpack the stuff that's causing you trouble. The therapy method that was really good for me is called "Schema Therapy" also known as "Lifetrap Therapy" and this book called "Reinventing Your Life" is a very digestible introduction to it.
It has a series of "schemas" (e.g. defectiveness, subjugation, perfectionism, emotional deprivation...) that may align with your experience to varying degrees. As with all self help books it spends a lot of time justifying itself, but if the stories and anecdotes resonate with you then perhaps worth finding a psychologist who practices schema therapy in your city.
One of the lessons that crystallised for me was that all the lessons we learn as children stick in place to the point we forget they're even there. Regardless of actual threats to our safety from parents, as children we don't know that and we internalise the belief that our safety and well-being depends on behaving certain ways or tolerating certain behaviours in others – we come to believe that this is "the way things are supposed to be".
For me, it's taken over 18 months of learning about myself, re-contextualising events in my youth with knowledge gained as an adult, understanding the ways that my neurodivergence changed the path for me. Right now I think I have really turned a corner, but throughout the whole time I have been reflecting and learning about why I am the way I am, learning how to listen to, experience, understand, and accept my feelings.
I hope it works out for you, it's a very long path but extremely rewarding.
For budgeting, I use mint, it's a free app.
A good book for longer term planning is https://smile.amazon.com/Simple-Path-Wealth-financial-independence-ebook/dp/B01H97OQY2/ref=tmm\_kin\_swatch\_0?\_encoding=UTF8&qid=1660765509&sr=8-1
"When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" is an excellent book on assertiveness. It's an old book that predates both the manosphere and millennial wokeness, which is part of what makes it great. It only teaches you assertiveness skill without pushing any gender ideology on you.
Yep. I've been sleeping with my mouth taped for about 2 years, since I read Breath. It help significantly - I track my snoring through an app (Snorelab), and the mouth tape significantly reduces my snoring (it's hard to quantify, but I'd say like a 70-80% reduction snoring). Another book I really benefited from was Close Your Mouth, which has a series of nasal breathing exercises similar to what you describe here, that help: https://smile.amazon.com/Close-Your-Mouth-Buteyko-Handbook/dp/0954599616/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1660245099&sr=8-1
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I had a septoplasty last year to fix my deviated septum, and I have mixed feelings about it. I feel like I got more benefit from the breathing exercises and mouth tape, than from the surgery. Obviously I can continue the exercises and mouth tape and I do, but I'm not sure the surgery was worth it.
If you're a reader, I highly recommend Jonathan Haidt's The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion. It was mind blowing for me and helped me empathize with and appropriately challenge the people in my life.
Important Caveat: I don't fully endorse Haidt, he's had some good ideas and some bad ideas, but I found this particular book to be excellent.
https://www.amazon.com/Righteous-Mind-Divided-Politics-Religion/dp/0307455777
So glad I could have helped, and like I said feel free to dm me with questions!
As for me, thank you for the offer! I'm doing well overall, just a more stressful summer from school & away from loved ones.
A problem you can encounter is once you put these things into practice and your brain starts to automate handling anxiety, it can put you in a more vulnerable state (like you were before the panic attacks) because your feelings are less in your face, allowing them to build up over time again. I suppose I just let my stresses build up a little too much without fully processing them.
Some more thoughts to extend my original post - I would encourage you to not completely hide from things that make you uncomfortable and anxious. While you shouldn't surround yourself with those things all the time, approaching them in (very uncomfortable) bite-sized chunks can help you process them more completely if you use the proper coping and deduction.
This is a process called Cognitive-Behavioral-Therapy. Here's a book I read when first dealing with my panic attacks (per the recommendation of my therapist Aunt) that helped me form this process (along with Dr. K's videos). I'd recommend checking it out if you're able! It didn't apply to my total situation but definitely helped me start with a step in the right direction. Perhaps you'll find some use from it :)
You might want to see an ENT if you have breathing problems, but it's also fairly normal for one nostril or the other to be blocked at times.
I found this book to be helpful for me, the breathing exercises (breath holds) and getting in the habit of breathing through your nose in general help to open up your nasal airways.
Sorry you’re having a rough go 💞
If your therapist is following WPATH standards of care (which is the global guideline), she has a responsibility to make sure your other diagnoses are well managed / stable, and that none of your other diagnoses are affecting your desires or judgment.
WPATH version 8 is still under construction, but version 7 says: “The presence of co-existing mental health concerns does not necessarily preclude possible changes in gender role or access to feminizing/masculinizing hormones or surgery; rather, these concerns need to be optimally managed prior to or concurrent with treatment of gender dysphoria.”
Your therapist may not realize how common it is for trans folk to have very little memory of their childhood, because so many dissociate to survive. Even if she IS aware, past trauma could cause the same dissociation and missing childhood memories, and she may be looking under that rock just to be sure there isn’t “something else” driving your needs.
As for deadnaming, if it’s the name on your file (which is usually the case because of insurance), she may have looked at the file to remember what your name was, and thereby gotten it wrong.
All uncomfortable and unfun, but within reason for someone with sincere positive intentions.
If you are open to it, it might be beneficial to fill out the workbook in this book: https://www.amazon.com/You-Your-Gender-Identity-Discovery/dp/1510723056
It does a very good job of walking you through what you are looking for and why it’s important to you, and you can fill it out in the safety of your own space. The book acknowledges how common it is for trans folk to have sparse memories of childhood. If you fill out the workbook, you could then share the results with your therapist to help move the process forward more quickly.
Sending hugs 💞
I just finished the book I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was and I found it really good and really helpful and I think you will find something there as well. It goes over all the reasons why you might feel like you don't know what you want to do, and exercises to help you fix it.
What do you -feel- when you think about spending money? Try to be specific about what that feeling is. For me, something like the word Disgusted (in this case, I think an emotion, not a feeling) could be used as a label for several underlying feelings. Do you feel a tightness in your chest, or a sinking feeling? When was the first time you felt that way? This might take some time to figure out.
As something you could do in the present, is there anything small you could buy? Maybe something as small as a chocolate bar, next time you hit the gas station. Or a really nice pair of socks. Socks are useful, and a quality pair could also be a good investment, while also treating yourself. (Darn Tough socks are my go to pick!)
I have a book recommendation that may be of use.
It's super helpful on just giving examples of small talk. Conversation/social interaction is a skill like everything else. You can practice it, and get better at it. It may be tiring, sure, but there is definitely a road to improvement.
Hi friend,
So I have some indirect personal experience with chronic pain, and I hope that I can pass along what I learned from it.
My girlfriend at the time suffered from chronic pain after an operation. The pain would never go away, and she lived with it for well over a year. It was a constant struggle for both of us and I was scared that she would never be normal again.
So, after trying a plethora of different methods, none which worked, I eventually stumbled upon TMS. A guy called Dr. John Sarno coined this term to explain pain symptoms that stemmed from psychological stress.
Now, you might find it difficult to comprehend that the root cause of your physical pain can be from your mind. My girlfriend refused to believe that initially. Eventually, I got her to read this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Back-Pain-Mind-Body-Connection/dp/0446557684
Reading this book for her was basically the key to permanently heal her chronic pain.
Turns out, she had so much she was battling with internally (anxiety, stress, PTSD, depression), that her brain started sending never ending physical pain signals. I think a theory as to why our minds sometimes do this is because it wants to distract us from dealing with the mental pain.
My girlfriend managed to completely stop the physical pain eventually, after working through therapy and realizing that nothing was wrong with her body.
I wish you good luck, and the best to you.
It's actually incredibly common for people to have sexual fantasies for things that contradict their own morals. There's actual research about it.* Thinking those thoughts, and even being aroused by them doesn't make you a bad person. It's just a quirk of how the human mind works and not something you should feel bad about.
I'm guessing these thoughts have some element of violence. You probably could let those thoughts just be thoughts, even learn to enjoy them without feeling shame. You might also want to consider learning about BDSM, plenty of people who have those kinds of fantasies incorporate them into sexual play in a way that is safe and consensual and where aftercare is massively important. The scene might not be for you but understanding it could help you put those thoughts in context.
* If you're interested in learning about this then Tell Me What You Want by Justin Lehmiller is an interesting read.
There's a model of mental boundaries that evokes the archetype of the warrior, as essentially a gate guard into yourself.
For awhile I was pretty resistant to ejecting my particular instrusive thoughts, but eventually I got fed up enough to say "nope, fuck 'em", so I gave my inner warrior a pair of fire swords and a directive to absolutely yeet those thoughts.
Another model of the mind (I learned it from this book) is that different parts of your mind essentially suggest things for you to think, and your conscious mind make the choice to reject or re-broadcast them to the rest of your mind.
So another practice that's helped me is, when those thoughts come up, picking them up, giving them a good look-over, and then going "nope" and tossing it away like an unwanted product pamphlet at a trade show.
Anyway. Just because your mind thinks a thing doesn't mean you have to accept that thing as yours.
Are you into books? I finished one the other day about overcoming fear and limitations (and other stuff). It's about finding out who you really are. It was really good! Take a look at it here maybe?
No problem!
This guy Gay Hendricks wrote a book or three about it. He's an actual psychologist, and I think this is an actually studied and observed phenomena. But the book is super self-helpy. If I were looking into this, I would try to find out what the actual psychology term for The Upper Limit Problem is.
It may just be something he's observed clinically. It would be related to the thing that happens where if you think you've been taught you're a bad person, you'll dislike praise. Dr K has talked about it.
Definitely. All you have to do is connect up with who you really are and let go of the mental attitude that stops you being your authentic self. That way you learn to tap into your natural needs and drives.
If you're into books, I finished one the other day dealing with kind of stuff. You can have a peek here. I hope it helps. Good luck!
Thanks for posting. Reaching out like this is amazing because you can get so many different points of view.
It sounds like you've got issues around negative thinking, procrastination, self-judgment, fear etc. If you're into books, I finished one the other day dealing with this kind of stuff. Life-changing. You can have a peek here. I hope it helps. Good luck!
In contrast to the other replies, I've had some success using a more brute force approach with this app. It simply counts days elapsed from a given date. When you relapse, you reset the date to the current day. Try to maximize your streak. Gamification.
Awesome! Working with your brain not against it :)
Nothing wrong with the drawing taking a little longer overall, unless you are speed painting specifically with the goal of as fast as possible in mind haha
Sometimes literally a 1 min break to get up and move around is all it takes, sometimes a few minutes but its good to take them.
Pomodoro is basically a timer technique for lack of a better term - generally its 25 mins focused work, then 5 mins break. But there are different time chunks e.g. do 10 mins and have 1-2 min break, or 45 mins focus, 15 min break.
There's heaps of web browser, desktop and mobile apps (some of them "pretty" like forest I think its called, each pomodoro completed grows a tree in the app so its a little dopamine hit to get excited about doing it haha.
https://todoist.com/productivity-methods/pomodoro-technique
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That's one of many, many articles about the technique - but a quick google will give you plenty of other resources to check out :)
That visualisation sounds like a good way to observe the mind! I tend to focus on the words in my mind and that gets me attached easily as I try to explain all the words that come up.
I feel like I can share something that will help you.
Since you re aware of your vata nature you might find some help in ayurveda: https://www.notion.so/Ayurveda-7176b5a591c74be795d5af3e3a7c1eed Here's a link to a notion page put together by a member of the discord server. The pdf at the bottom has some tips to improve your lifestyle to reduce vata within you. I have been following some of these guidelines for a year now and it helps a ton if you implement it consciously. I also had "vata issues", I d suggest starting with bedtime and morning routine, but honestly start with whats easier for you!
Hey, I think I know how are you feeling as I see a lot of my younger self in this post. You want to be perceived a certain way and thought that you had that shit figured out. But you discovered that people can see through that mask.
The thing is that you got accept where you are right now in life. Like you said, if you have trouble being open with people and feel scared of being vulnerable; accept it. This is you lacking that skill. And really, it IS a skill . Something that can be learned. It doesn't mean you're a bad or good person for lacking it. You need to see as something that you want to learn instead of becoming someone different. You're still gonna be you but now with a new set of tools to handle those situations.
I know it's easier said than done to stop judging yourself personally for your shortcomings but it was the path that I took and it worked for me.
There are two fantastic books that I highly recommend you read:
How To Be Miserable by Psychologist Randy J. Peterson
The first step is to realize that you're someone that can learn and change his behavior. Right now it might suck to be where you are. The only way out is to learn how to get the hell out of there.
Good luck!
It really depends on what you struggle most with and how to help build it, I read atomic habits just as a starting point on how to better manage myself really as I can be quite messy and impulsive. Currently I'm reading a book about how to reinvent my life, feels like it would strike a cord with you too, for me this book feels like it knows my insides out and sees right through my soul, with uncanny precision I also have some negative baggage from my childhood so that talks about it too... Here's an amazon link, but I found that book in libraries too
https://www.amazon.com/Reinventing-Your-Life-Breakthrough-Negative/dp/0452272041
It's true they do wallow, but it is also true they are not ready to hear what you want to tell them and it's not likely to help them.
There's an excellent book about this called <em>I Hear You</em>, but the TL;DR is often the most efficient way to help someone work through an emotion is to validate it.
That doesn't mean you just blindly tell them everything they feel and think is correct, it means you acknowledge their hurt comes from something real.
The most helpful thing I've found is this journal:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1792339496/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Basically you address the root of the thought and logically redirect it. Hope this helps!
check out Tiny Habits if you find that you need help building habits. It relies on actual neuroscience and large studies, rather than pop science and buzzwords.
Okay, in that case I think you'll benefit from understanding the mechanics of the Addict's Brain, as Dr. K defines them in this video.
Try to combine this understanding/introspection with the Tiny Habits strategy:
Instead of attempting to build a "normal" habit, say, exercising an hour thrice a week, make it microscopic first. Something you can do in less than thirty seconds, often only two or three such as one or two pushups whenever you wash your hands. After that you reward your brain for this action by celebrating, typically by intentionally smiling and allowing happiness to wash through you, or eating a piece of chocolate and enjoying it, etc.
- Choose a trigger that reminds you to do this thing, such as every time you wash your hands. Silly works well.
- Then do the tiny habit every time you hit the trigger. One or two pushups.
- Follow directly with something that makes you happy/celebrate in order to wire your brain to slowly but surely associate the new habit with happiness.
This strategy has a lot of scientific knowledge and testing behind it, as can be seen in the book its author wrote. It relies on actual human neurology and habit formation, not on social pressures/accountability/willpower/motivation/discipline/whatever the buzzword currently is.
While it's easy to gather knowledge about new stuff, understanding it is another matter, and making use of it is yet a third.
That last one is all about forming habits. Which is where people tend to run into issues - they can't make themselves do anything, or not do something, or... You get the idea.
That's because, as you've probably heard recommended all over the place, they're trying to rely on willpower, discipline, motivation, etc.
That doesn't work. If it did, you wouldn't be were you are, right? So I figure your only choice is to rely on a strategy that requires neither willpower, nor motivation.
If my sales pitch seems reasonable enough, check out Tiny Habits: The Small Changes That Change Everything by BJ Fogg, PhD.
The Tiny Habits strategy has been researched and tested extensively, so it's got a lot more substance than the usual suspects you've probably already come across.
Sorry for not clarifying, my weight right now is 91 kilograms, I'm 208cm tall and i do have a healthy BMI. I'm still extremely skinny, have almost no muscle and my upper arms are just barely bigger than my forearms.
However no, sadly 3700 are just my maintenance, if i exercise regularly.
If I were a professional athlete my maintenance would be 5000 kcal. According to this website https://www.omnicalculator.com/health/maintenance-calorie
> The other person was not hurt - they disagreed.
Sorry, what? They literally said "comments like yours really hurt". Literally said they were hurt.
Here is a study that says 64% of respondents didn't think sexism was an issue in WoW. It even sites one of the studies listed: https://www.semanticscholar.org/paper/Navigating-the-feminine-in-massively-multiplayer-in-Brehm/07b0c7e7c1997ca32139a1b1b23e022918570a79
This is all that I can find. I copied and pasted it from https://deepstash.com/idea/47886/losing-your-inner-monologue
Losing your inner monologue
Your inner monologue is where you tell yourself, "I don't want to get up yet," or "This is a tasty burger." Aphasia from Ancient Greek means "without speech." Typically aphasia occurs after a stroke. Reduced blood flow or bleeding causes brain cells to start dying...
This sounds serious to me. I hope that you can get someone to take you seriously about it. Clearly your wording is important because people might not understand what you are saying. Please feel free to update us if you get someone to listen to you.
You can try exercises that may boost your brain.
• Reading and doing workbooks about it (https://www.amazon.com/Boost-Your-Brain-Joel-Levy/dp/1465408479)
• Use app with brain exercises like Luminosity. Brainscape. Elevate.
• Use supplements like Omega 3, Ginko Biloba.
•Take notes of your stress levels and take some times to de-stress. Sometimes it’s the little things in your mind that needs declutter in order for you to have energy for more important things.
This gives evidence based methods to learn. Although your memory technically worsens with age, it's probably not catastrophic. It's like saying you are unable to walk anymore because you can only run 5 miles a day instead of 6.
While I do think we should put more funds into mental health, I don't see any proof that mental health will increase in future generations, as your surroundings and influences will have a greater understanding of mental health issues than past generations. Also the onset of mental illnesses tends to be around 20-30 (although I think we will see more teens represented as more research is done) and your mental health tends to become more stable as you go through life so I don't think we are likely to have mental health issues all our life.
Here's some suggestions from an American perspective. Feel free to disregard if they don't apply to you.
Thinking about going In-State school? Maybe start with your local community college for your first 2 years. MAKE SURE THAT THE CREDIT TRANSFERS TO YOUR STATE SCHOOL.
Pro: CHEAP AS HELL, You will get professors and not Teaching Assistants. Con: Miss out on the first 2 years of the "College Experience"
Do a test run with some free courses from Ivy league schools
Pro: THIS SHIT IS FREE Con: You will have to self teach
You will never have certainty that "this is the right path for me" but if you want more information seek out the nearest community college and ask if you can talk to a counselor. community colleges will usually have the requisites for degrees and they are usually pretty helpful in creating a program you want (YMMV). For example, they can help mold classes that will overlap with another discipline should you want to change.
Your post comes across as very thoughtful and introspective. I really doubt that there is any problem with your personality or "character."
Guys often want relationships with attractive women but only hook-ups with decently-looking women. Nobody will tell you truthfully how well you look if they want to be polite. The only way to find out for sure is with anonymous sites like photofeeler. But don't do it unless you're prepared for the truth. You might feel relieved or depressed depending on the result.
It is also entirely possible that the problem lie with those guys you dated. Young people often don't know what they want. They oscillate between wanting the comfort of a relationship and the freedom to date many people. Consequently they appear wishy-washy. Older guys are more likely to want to have a long-term relationship, and they tend to harbor less insecurity
I’m female so I don’t think I have a ton to contribute, but I will throw this out there: some sociologists have characterized men’s socializing patterns as “report” focused, where you’re telling each other about your skills, resources, etc. The goal isn’t necessarily to prove that you’re “better” than the other guys, though for sure there’s status jostling, but more to prove that you’re useful and that you have a purpose in the group. Women’s socializing patterns are “rapport” focused, where you’re communicating belonging and similarity within the group. The goal is to make everyone feel connected. Women can certainly do the status-jostling too, but it’s usually more underhanded and subtle.
Part of why you might be so much more comfortable with women is that you aren’t sure what male conversations are supposed to be about. I can’t really help you there XD but maybe what you’re perceiving as “one-upping” is an effort to seem valuable. Or it could be actual one-upping. XD
You may find it helpful to read “You Just Don’t Understand; Women and Men In Conversation” by Deborah Tannen. Since Tannen is a woman and I imagine she figured mostly women would read her book, she spends more time explaining the guy’s side of things than the women’s side of things. For you though, that might be a bonus. It may help you understand what guys are trying to get out of a conversation, as well as what you like so much about talking with women.
Also, if you have book money/a library. I Overcame my Autism and all I got was this Lousy Anxiety Disorder is a good read.
Glad some of these resonated with you! I highly recommend her writings but I will warn you she is a feminist and will often use phrases such as "patriarchy" through her work. Hopefully that isn't too much of an issue because her words are very moving for me.
The book all these quotes are from is The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love
https://www.amazon.com/Will-Change-Men-Masculinity-Love/dp/0743456084
Thank you for the response! :D
My experience with doing mindfulness classes when I didn't even know I had a mental health problem was that I felt a sense of panic when I tried the exercises, especially the self-kindness exercises. We were using this course with a trained teacher in Oxford where the research came from: https://www.amazon.de/Mindfulness-practical-guide-finding-frantic/dp/074995308X
It felt so wrong to me to be self-soothing and I just couldn't do it because it made me want to cry. I still can't do it despite going through 7 therapists and having a better understanding of my mental health.
This is just my experience, which is in line with Dr K's comments. I don't really understand what van der Kolk means though - not sure if this helps.
There are definitely ADHD coaches who specialize in this, as well as therapists who specialize in helping people with ADHD. Lots of great books too like ADHD 2.0 which have good advice. And this recent podcast from neuroscientist Andrew Huberman is all about ADHD.
If you know German I would recommend you this book https://www.amazon.de/Dr-Christine-Hutterer/dp/3747103375/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?adgrpid=69737201263&gclid=Cj0KCQiA47GNBhDrARIsAKfZ2rBgtThCbvCfC7qr75X-Xs51m95tGaPmaJcatbxO-vHBADUzokNlw-caAreLEALw_wcB&hvadid=352671304052&hvdev=m&hvlocphy=90... . It is about what to do when You have a Loved one with Depression. Sadly I couldn't find an English Version though there May be one. Or maybe Look for some advice book in your language. Though some Tipps that might be helpful would be 1. Aknowledging that it's a sickness and not blaming your Family member but the sickness 2. Communication From the I-perspective. Phrasing Things Not Like "you did XYZ" but rather say Something Like "I observed XYZ, this makes me feele like ..." Or "I can unserstand that your sickness makes it difficult for you. I would really appreciate If you could try bringing down the Trash. Do you think you could try doing it even though it is difficult?" 3. Communicate expecations. Try to get them to do Something even If it's Not much. Ask them what they think they maybe able to do and Start there. And readjust the Plans you've Made. 4. Also Take Care of your own mental health. I Hope I remembered everything correctly. Maybe you'll be able to find a good book in the topic in your own language. I useually find books very helpful in These situations. Good Luck!
There's this organization Noom that offers very high quality, researched-based counseling for food addiction. I might start there.
Meditating and getting regular exercise will also help.
won't help for past data, but my friend used this app https://daylio.net/ and really felt he gained useful insights from it.
you input both activities and mood, and it helps show you what activities contribute to what mood
YMMV.
I think that your long term goals, positive habits, are to program and to actually interact with your friends since you already wrote them in your post. Any unnecessary games (distractions) beyond normal, can/should be considered negative habits. Good luck!
You have read the healthygamer link.
+1 experience
Not sure if you have already chosen a project management software yet, but I recommend this free software called Quire.
Quire is good for task taking, both work and daily tasks. They have great features such as kanban board, offline syncing, easy collaboration, priorities...etc
> My reaction to other people sharing the mundane probably stems to others not listening to MY mundane probably, but even acknowledging that fact still doesnt really make me want to listen to the mundane.
I suspect you have this backwards, or perhaps you learned this at a young age or something.
Either way, listening to other people isn't really about what they did, it's about validating they had a human experience.
Also, these events allow you to learn about who they are and their patterns of thinking from these specific examples of what they did and what they think about it.
<em>I Hear You</em> by Michael S. Sorensen is an excellent book on the topic of listening to people and forming good relationships with them even when you are perhaps not interested in the same things they are.
Sorry for the late answer, I was quite full.
I found this book (https://www.amazon.com/COGNITIVE-BEHAVIORAL-THERAPY-WEEKS-Depression-ebook/dp/B09B17QFH6) and started to work on it. I read the book and follow the instructions for that specific week. Right now I write a trauma diary for a month. I just keep track of my triggers and see how I react to them and why. I found a lot of anger and hurt inside myself, I cried a little during writing but it is ok, I feel more confident and happier.
Please let me know what you think about it :)
You want to wake up at 6am yet your habit is to fall back asleep after rising. You've tried enacting some solutions and find insufficient results. That makes sense. I summarize your struggles back to you for 2 reasons: one to help me understand your situation, and two to show you Im listening.
What are some strategies that might help you get out of bed at early hours? Some thoughts come to mind, so here's some of those thoughts.
Place your alarm device (phone or clock) away from your bed so that it requires you to physically get out of the bed in order to disable.
Buy an alarm device that utilizes light as opposed to sound. One of these devices comes to mind. Once the alarm is set up, it will gradually increase its light. Your eyes will take in that light, thus signaling that its time to rise
Convince someone in your house who's already awake at that time to come wake you.
Drink water at night so that you feel a pressing need to get out of bed to use the bathroom
Share any thoughts that come to mind and Ill listen.
I'm sorry you feel this way, it sounds difficult being in that kind of situation.
I wish I could tell you how I got over a similar situation myself, but I've forgotten how I did it.
However, I've been reading a book called The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck and I feel like it would help you. It's not a book that's only about how to not care what other people think, it also deals with self doubt, identity, values, personal metrics, etc.—a lot of the things you are struggling with currently.
~~And if you google for a pdf version, you will be able to read it for free.~~
I HIGHLY recommend you to read this book. It will teach you how to use your memory to its full potential.
~~If you google for it, you will also probably find a free pdf version.~~
Trust me, life is an absolute mess of unpredictability, suffering, and difficultly achieved satisfaction. As humans we’re cursed with the complications of advanced life and with it comes some form of struggle for every person on this planet. Never think that you’re alone, we’re all in this shit together and that’s how we’ve always survived. If you’re having a hard time changing your motivation/habits, I highly suggest 2 things:
Pick up the Atomic Habits book. It will teach you how your mind is designed to retain certain habits over others, how to identify your habits and become more conscious of it, how to easily make good habits and remove bad ones by changing your environment to enourage the change, etc.
See a regular therapist. It’s very difficult to solve these kinds of problems without the tools to do so. A therapist can really help you get out of the toxic loops your mind is always in and change your perspective.
I think there's a relatively simple answer to this, pick up the Atomic Habits book and live by it. It has helped me soooo much and has helped many others. It's very popular and for good reason, it will help you understand your actions and how to achieve the things you want in a way that's natural and in-line with how your brain functions.
just my own recommendation, but Crucial Conversations is pretty good https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B005K0AYH4/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
it's main point is that you can't just say "well i said what i needed to say" and leave it at that. You make it your job to speak in a way that the other person understands what you're saying, and it's not their job to go out of their way to interpret what you're saying.
I'd recommend to start self-reflecting and maybe reading some things too. You're already on this sub so I assume you are consuming some content so it might help with some self-reflecting.
Also, I've just recently finished reading this book about emotional neglect. You might give it a shot and see whether some things resonate with you.
I've found a few books on the topic and I just ordered this one: https://www.amazon.com/112-Meditations-Book-Divine-Wisdom/dp/0578604655
I'll come back once I've received it and read some of it to tell you of it's interesting :)