Here’s the book you need you need, please read reviews too
Your husband is verbally and emotionally abusive. I was in a relationship like that for almost 5 years. I am here to tell you from the future that it’s an extremely embedded behavioral pattern and personality disorder that takes years (did I mention years?) of committed, engaged, and self aware therapy to improve if at all. Is he willing to do all of those things? Most men like that are not. And it can be hell for the other partner to wait that long for them to realize what an asshole they are. And then what? Years of putting up with that behavior has already poisoned the relationship. Your life and happiness is precious. Find someone who will cherish that and doesn’t stoop to being a critical, controlling, anti-partner.
So if you would like an additional neutralizer which I've found works for a surprising array of things: Charlie's Soap. I'm a farmer, which means that sometimes the damnest things have to go through my washing machine.
What I do is I dump a large amount (about a cup) of Charlie's Soap into the machine with a 'junk' shirt or the like (basically something I don't care about, it's just there for the purpose of running a clean cycle equivalent - may I suggest you use his favorite pair of jeans? ;P) and run it on the hottest, longest, roughest cycle available. I do this two or three times and it really works very well.
As for his damn shop rags, I wouldn't even burn them, I would get rid of them completely. And I would clip an ad for a local laundromat for him; he can do his washing there from now on, on his own.
Get a restraining order, him showing up to your house when you've already gone no contact is a BOUQUET OF RED FLAGS. 8f you're too broke to change the locks and you're moving soon, get some of these travel door locks for a bit of extra security https://amazon.com/dp/B08CKXH579/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_fabc_9pHcGbF9W6H2E
I hope my analogies help:
I work as project manager and manage projects (obviously...). I began noticing some of the task that I would perform at work were the same task I performed at home.
I had to have the overview of the project, follow up on task, figure out logistics, involve external suppliers etc., you get the picture. The result: him being proud that he did the dishes!
What he didn’t take into consideration was that he did the dishes after I (repeatedly) reminded him. He was able to do the dishes because I had made sure we had all the items necessary for him to perform this task. And that I made sure to buy them last time I went shopping for groceries because I had to keep track of when we were out of said items . And that he didn’t do all the dishes because I had to do some of them in order to cook dinner, as he did the dishes at his leisure. And missed all the pots and pans not directly in his view. And they were not dried or put back in place. Or clean enough.
He would feel accomplishment because he Did The Dishes and if his efforts weren’t good enough I better take over because I was better at that sort of thing anyway.
This blog sums it up very well:
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
And look up Emotional Labour.
//rant over//
They make ones that go into sliding glass doors. We had one like this
Ideal Pet Products Fast Fit Pet Patio Door 80" Medium (Mill) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000UV4MH6/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_-6DVDbGS2TR1K
500"for Rectal Use Only" Stickers Waterproof - 1.5" x 3/8" Fluorescent Orang Stickers with Permanent Adhesive (Orange) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07QP7DKY1/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_v5uMDbWY9WA1J
Paste these stickers on everything he owns.
Lifehacker has info on how to opt out of most "people finders." I'm not sure where they get their info, though.
He is abusive. I suggest reading "Why does he do that". Here's the PDF: https://www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Lie. Lie like your life depends on it.
Lie about how much money you make. Don't put it anywhere he can get to.
If you find yourself being able to buy a car, do not tell him, do not show him, do not give him the keys. Lie.
Get your documents together. Passport, birth certificate, social security card, any other important documents you might need. Put them somewhere safe - a safety deposit box would be a good choice.
If he asks about it, pretend that you don't know what he's talking about. What documents?
Slowly remove emotionally important things from his reach. Again, lie. Tell him you gave them away or broke them.
Try and find a job that is somewhere reachable on a bus route or you can walk to.
If that isn't possible, try and catch a ride with a coworker. Maybe a combination of those two will work.
If it's completely impossible for you to get a job, maybe applying for a credit card and buying a cheap junker with that would work. Getting out is more important than having no debt right this moment.
Speaking of credit cards, out a freeze on your credit. You can learn how to by going to /r/personalfinance, it's in the wiki on the sidebar.
You might want to research misophonia. It's real a thing, and you're not alone! I'm usually a gentle, quiet person, but if someone starts lip smacking or chewing loudly near me, I want to flip a table and scream until I go hoarse.
If he understands this reaction is not something you can help, maybe it would help him choose to shut his dang mouth while he chews.
I used to think this to. That my lack of education or caring somehow triggered the violence in my life. If you can find a library, many offer free audio and ebooks, please check out this book. It helped my world make sense.
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
Read this: http://www.metafilter.com/151267/Wheres-My-Cut-On-Unpaid-Emotional-Labor
You are doing real work, but it's not considered work. It's twofold - managing his emotions and issues with your "No", because god forbid dudes have to actually take responsibility for their feelings, and the other part is actual, real, hands on work that is to your detriment, is tedious and time consuming. He should pay you.
You can get sliding glass door inserts! I hope this helps! Although it sounds like he would find some reason that some solution like this won’t work. https://smile.amazon.com/PetSafe-Freedom-Aluminum-Sliding-Adjustable/dp/B005CO91TK
Is there any way you can keep him off the cast irons entirely? It might mean washing immediately after using them so there's no opportunity to leave them anywhere to soak, since ideally they'd be done, clean, and away (out of sight out of mind)
Re dishwasher: Would something like this help?
Here is a smart wifi connected camera (with movement notifications/cloud recording/2 way voice chat etc) for only $30US
Might make you feel bit safer, and guarantee evidence if it happens again.
Product information: https://www.yitechnology.com/yi-1080p-home-camera
Amazon has a wide range of affordable mattresses. Here’s one with good reviews, but there’s plenty of other options. And these bed frames support mattresses without the need for a box spring while also providing lots of space for under-bed storage.
This is not okay.
This is not okay.
"Also my breasts have always been a bit of a touchy (lol) subject with us. Like he always wants to squeeze them and will do it randomly and sometimes pretty roughly and I usually hate it and it upsets him a lot that I don't enjoy him touching me there even when I'm not pregnant or nursing. So it almost felt like that was an extra "fuck you" to me to hit me in the boob when he could have just as easily hit me in my arm or something."
I don't care if your in love, married or soul bonded. Only you have the right to touch your body without permssion. You are not an object he bought or won that he can treat as he wishes. Someone who respected you wouldn't treat you like that.
Please reach out to some of the resources others have linked in this thread. There are studies that show we are likely to date people like our parents as we unconsciously model our desired partner traits off the parental relationship we saw first-hand. Would you want your kids to be saying someone like him? What would you tell your kids if they came to you telling you the one they were seeing acts like this? Get help for them if you can't do it for you.
One additonal resource no one has linked yet, https://www.7cups.com/ has free online listeners if you want someone to talk to.
Please get wasp spray and a loud personal alarm. You can also get a “shatter alarm” and just stick it to your front door and turn it on when you’re at home. They are CRAZY loud and will deter him from coming in even if he has a copy of your key. I had a violent stalker and it worked. He’s in jail now. I just got these, it says for windows but I stuck it to my doors too. Easy on off switch.
Window Alarm 125dB Loud Ultra-Slim Anti-Theft Alarm for Door and Window Glass Break Vibration Sensor Alert with Adjustable Sensitivity (5 PCS) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07Z4SHTT8/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_z0GcGbCD2MVWC
Stay strong. Hopefully he moves on soon.
Sorry about the loss of your cat :(
It could be that you two are speaking different love languages: https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/the-five-love-languages-tested#1
Therapy should help as long as you both are putting in the effort. Things will get better.
You just have to install it, so it’s not as convenient as a door wedge, but it prevents a person from being able to kick the door in.
You need a food safe where only you have the key.
Have you considered that a porn addiction could be part of why he is so pathetic in bed? This book helped me understand so much about some past relationships and why they didn't work out. One was a porn addict and our relationship sounds a lot like yours minus years of marriage. The sex went downhill so fast after starting to date - and in our mid 20's! His addiction was the end of the relationship.
Here's the book - https://www.amazon.com/Cupids-Poisoned-Arrow-Harmony-Relationships/dp/1556438095/
This is a book about abusive men. They like to use relationship communication issues as a green light to be abusive and then tell you it is your fault.
Check your apps (not sure what type of phone you have), the main ones are the primary, the ones that come with the phone you scroll up on an Andriod and see if it's there (could be life 360 or something else)roid device using this app https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.apple.trackerdetect&hl=en_US&gl=US this will need to be downloaded to find the tracker (it might even be in your purse )
Check your apps (not sure what type of phone you have), the main ones are the primary, the ones that come with the phone you scroll up on an andriod and see if it's there (could be life 360 or something else)
Once you have found the apple tag, you can see who it is registered to and go to the police. Report it to the police as well prior to finding the tag, some are more proactive than others.
If it's an app like (find me, life 360 etc) show it to the cops and get them uninstalled and restart your phone, if you can't find them reset your phone to factory defaults but put pictures and contacts in the cloud, and change your login to your cell phone as well.
I’d also like to recommend Crucial Conversations. Not all of it will apply to your situation - some parts are about talking to colleagues, etc, but it’s basically about how to navigate topics so that they are discussions, not arguments.
Get some door stoppers at least for when you're in the home.
I have ADHD, my partner has either ADD or ADHD (technically undiagnosed but clearly there, but psych wants to focus on the depression and other issues primarily), and I likely have ASD (actually gonna talk to my doc this month about it)
As others have said, you are unfortunately enabling him by constantly letting the ADD be an excuse. ADD may be the reason it happens, but it does not absolve him of being proactive and taking responsibility for actions that cause things like this.
Gonna sound like a silly suggestion, but if he’s gonna refuse to get any sort of help, look into something like this for the fridge. See if instead of screwing the base on, can use a heavy duty mounting tape (or hell, superglue in you have to haha)
Does he have adhd? I have it and I do these things too and infuriate myself to tears! Luckily my fridge and freezer starts beeping when I leave them open. Maybe you could benefit from having a freezer alarm? https://www.amazon.com/FRIDGGI-Fridge-Alarm-Seconds-white-pack1/dp/B0813GNDB8
Hey OP, I read your post and other comments and I'm going through very similar feelings right now. So I don't have the answers for you, and while I'm far from settled on or ready for making a choice myself, I have found the book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay very helpful in helping me understand my relationship ambivalence. I'm not quite done with it but there were a lot of a-ha moments for me after already having agonized over this for over a year and a half.
Found it!
Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence--from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror https://www.amazon.com/dp/0465087302/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apan_i_9AHVP0FV5BP0RY6P4NKE
(Not saying purchase from Amazon, but has the isbn and I've seen a few links on google search that offer pdf)
Limited-time deal: Alarm Clock for Heavy Sleepers Deaf Hearing Impaired, Loud Alarm Clock with Bed Shaker, 2 USB Chargers 7-Color Nightlight,Large LED Display &Dimmer,Snooze 12/24H DST Plug-in Battery Backup,Bedroom https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0814VRV2D/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_dl_60HXYV6RBMZ6VCSV28JK?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
This is a $20 alarm. Extra loud and vibrates the bed. There are many others like it in the same price range on Amazon. Please get some sleep and tell this man to spend $20 and figure it out.
Anyone taking narcotics needs something like this
Vaultz Locking Zipper Tote Bag, Water Resistant Nylon, 5.5 x 19.90 x 13.4 Inches, Pink/Purple Floral (VZ00679) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0176DZDQY/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_i_ZJC329278NA264G8A92E?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
Tell you husband "I am tired of your complete and utter disrespect for me. Eating my food right off my plate is showing your contempt for me. I am done cooking for you until you can show that I matter to you." And then stop cooking for him. Get yourself a locking food storage container and put your leftovers/snacks in it. This might seem ridiculous to take it to this level but your husband needs to have this behavior shined out. I very much doubt he is ashamed. I would say he simply doesn't care about you. I'm really sorry.
I'm relived to see that you understand the seriousness. I'm concerned that because this is something you have never experienced before, you won't know how to deal with it and are likely to give him the benefit of the doubt and quickly forgive him if he simply mumbles 'sorry'.
Please read the advice which begins on page 813 / Chapter 14
https://www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf
Your husband has had the mindset for a very long time that this is an appropriate method of 'toughening up' your son. The very idea that boys need to be toughened up is also toxic.
He is experiencing glee at the opportunity to punish and traumatize your son.
He is justifying his behavior and doesn't think he has done anything wrong, which means he intends to do it again.
He is dismissing your concerns which means he thinks he is correct and the superior in your relationship.
It's not on you to quickly become an expert in counseling abusive, controlling men, and nor should you. If there is a hotline for abusive men, and a counselor or group counseling for abusers in your area, one of the conditions is that he contacts and attends immediately, and it is not a transaction. You won't return if he promises or does go. He has to just go.
He also has to believe that what he has done is egregious and traumatizing, and follow the steps in the book. He must admit and acknowledge what he's done by email (not over the phone where he can blubber and emotionally manipulate you and give a weak apology). He may try to guilt you - "You're breaking up the family over this? / The boy needs his father / You're overreacting / Now our son will grow up weak and sensitive like you / I miss you so much" but please stay strong and take as long as you, YOU, need, away from him to think clearly.
>He's made an appointment with a therapist, which makes me both sad and upset. Sad, because maybe this is the help he needs to get his life together and everything could be different. Upset, because I've spent years living in this terrible situation and he's only just now doing something about it.
I’m going to assume that in one of your past posts, one of the many commenters has already recommended the book Why Does He Do That? If not, its a great book that explains how abusers think. Here is a link to the free pdf.
In the book, the author explains that regular therapy doesn’t help abusers. Only a certain type of therapy that’s specifically targeted to abusers works, and even in that case, there’s a low success rate. They have to really want to change, and usually they only go to that specific therapy when it’s court-mandated or they’re on the verge of losing everything they have. Regular therapy actually tends to make abusers worse. The book explains why this is. If you haven’t already, I can’t recommend the book enough.
All that is to say, the fact he’s going to therapy probably won’t do anything to change his abusive nature. Maybe it’ll help with depression, anxiety, whatever he’s dealing with, and may help him to be a happier person in some ways. But it’s not likely to stop the abuse. So don’t feel like you’re going to be missing out on anything that could have been, like maybe he was about to change and things would have gotten better if you’d stayed around a little longer.
I wish you the best of luck and hope you and your little one make it out safely, and start a great new life.
Edit: I just realized this is an old post. I mistakenly thought I was reading the update. I’m so glad that you’ve gotten out and are safe! I still recommend the book, as it may offer a lot of clarity.
You’re exhausted because he is verbally abusing you and then gaslighting you to think it’s your fault.
Everything nice you are doing for him to try to please him and win his approval is being twisted and weaponized against you by him. This is not a safe or sustainable relationship. Please get out when you can.
There is a book explaining such men’s behavior called Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft that you might wish to consider reading: https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
I got my SO these gaming headphones when he was working thirds and on his off days up all night, wanting to play games and watch tv without waking me. They're comfortable, wireless, and honestly so helpful. However he voluntarily uses them to be considerate of me... if your SO has no consideration for you or your neighbors, nothing will really help!
I am sure you mean well, but telling a person in a domestic violence situation that it is their fault and to just leave is grossly unhelpful and oversimplifies the situation drastically. Here's a bit more info on why leaving is not simple: https://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/why-do-people-stay-in-abusive-relationships/
He's violent. Anyone who would hurt and scare a defenseless puppy is an abuser.
Lundy's 'Why Does He do That?' describe breaking objects, harming animals, committing violence in front of you. https://www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf
Please go to a safe place immediately and leave him. It will only escalate.
I second the recommendation for Lundy Bancroft’s book. You can find it in full free pdf at this link: why does he do that I’ve been reading it bit by bit on my phone.
In her post, OP says she just wants validation - she has it from me! OP reading 'Why Does He Do That' may give you the wind beneath your wings to fly away.
Yep! He's a side sleeper. The wedge is about 7.5" at the highest. He uses a regular pillow on top of the wedge since it's pretty firm. wedge pillow
Have you tried H2 antagonists like famotidine? DH normally takes 40mg of Omeprazole daily, but every six months or so he has to go off of it, so he switches to H2 antags for a little while.
It does sound as if he never intended to take you to the doctor's office, and just wanted you to get mad so he could justify his refusal to take you. I'm so sorry. Does your town have a reliable bus service? If not, do you have any neighbors who might be willing to drive you occasionally, maybe in exchange for some favor? There is a website called Nextdoor.com and it connects neighbors. That might be worth a try, as neighbors can be great allies.
That's exactly abusive, controlling, intimidating behaviour.
Here's a free book, read it in private
It's coercive control which has been made illegal in many countries
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/
But his words make you change your behaviour.
Fear of more anger, it's easier to cave than endure, fear because you don't know what his vague threats are. You don't feel safe enough to say "no more" or kick him out.
Do you think he's capable of treating you with respect? Don't you think he would have done so by now, if all it took was a talking to?
His life is pretty cushy and easy, the only effort he puts in is yelling to control you, why would he stop that.
It takes about 2 years of abuser therapy to get someone to realise that what they're doing is shitty and wrong. That they're not entitled to special treatment, and intimidation isn't the way to go about it. That he has to treat you with love and respect, because you're an equal and you deserve it.
That's exactly the abuser mindset from Why Does He Do That
They redefine abuse, and LUCKY it's just above what they're doing!!
"I'm only slamming doors, throwing things, punching walls and screaming, it's not like I'm hitting you"
bzzzt. Nope.
Absolutely he's still abusive, he's just dialled it down a tiny bit so you think he's stopped and you calm down, but he's still doing it.
Page 157 - Mister (Always) Right.
perverse, infuriating need to argue, counter everything you say, be contrary, dismiss and belittle you.
No-one here is going to tell you you shouldn't have had your daughter, that's awful. You shouldn't be with this man though, he's an abusive piece of shit. You can't love someone and abuse them at the same time. You can't respect someone and control them at the same time. You can't make someone feel empty and exhausted, and be in a nourishing reciprocal relationship at the same time.
All of this.
There's also this device for doors that keeps people out. Even if they have a key/can pick a lock.
Maybe buy medication caps that have a timer on them? They tell you exactly how many hours it's been since it has been opened so you'll know (or your ex will) exactly how long its been since your son has had his meds
You can get one of those lock boxes that realtors use. It has a combination and then you put a key inside. You hook it to the door knob or a gas pipe or something. No installation required and they are cheap.
Like this:
TOWOKE Key Lock Box For Outside - Weatherproof Lock box For House Key, Resettable 4-Digit Combination Lockbox, Key Storage with Loop for House, Hotels, Airbnb, Schools, Large Capacity -Updated Version https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B07XX3R1ZF/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glc_fabc_jQ-8Fb04745T0
I actually have one of these because I’m constantly forgetting my key. Granted I’ve never yelled at my husband about it....
My boyfriend once gave me one of those wine bottles which is also a glass at the top, like this: https://www.amazon.com/BigMouth-Inc-Ultimate-Bottle-Glass/dp/B00BCQ4D9A
I had a drinking problem at the time
What about a similar online group? Perhaps you could find some support and learn coping mechanisms there.
Are there any books on this topic?
This one is free on kindle. You can get the kindle app to read it on your phone: https://www.amazon.com/Addict-House-No-Nonsense-Addiction-Recovery-ebook/dp/B01CFGRG6W/ref=mp_s_a_1_8?dchild=1&keywords=how+to+deal+with+an+alcoholic+book&qid=1604266525&sprefix=how+to+deal+with+an+alc&sr=8-8
A chef might need a new set of knives or pans, those can be expensive, but there is a lifetime of gifts in that area alone. I'm all about having good knives and pans myself. Good flatware and dishes. Put a kitchenware catalog in front of him and have him circle everything he would like to have that he doesn't already own or needs to upgrade. Timers, cooking utensils, meat thermometer. We just bought a new one I love. It's from kizen. Instant read, sticks to the fridge for easy access. We both love it. His son had one (he cooks a lot). Beats the hell out of my basic meat thermometer 🌡️.https://www.amazon.com/Instant-Read-Meat-Thermometer-Calibration/dp/B073KYTWGB
An old fashioned clothes pin or one of <em>these</em> bad boys!
By yourself a bidet and keep some wet wipes in the bathroom. If he's just scraping dry toilet paper across his butt, that doesn't always do the trick. But yeah, some men are gross.
1) new phone
2) any computers, laptops, tablets, readers - to the computer repair guy for diagnostics and removal of keyloggers, trackers and spyware. Then install malwarebytes.
3) Also change your wifi password. if possible use a direct wired desktop for anything like banking or email needing security.
4) get an encrypted email like protonmail.
5) get a post office box for an future mail.
6) If your bank accounts were joined, get new accounts in a different bank.
7) woman's self defense classes.
8) Read this
SABRE HS-DSA Wedge Door Stop Security Alarm with 120 dB Siren --- Great for Home, Travel, Apartment or Dorm https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00M30SQGA/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_6szoFb4CR8837
I recommend these for your new doors.
You don't owe him anything. No matter how many "nice" things he does, you need to pay him back. Even if he saved your life, or gave you a million dollars, you don't owe him anything. I highly recommend you read this book. I know you're not in a mental space to care about yourself enough right now, so think about it this way: you're hurting him and the other people he interacts with by teaching him that it's okay to treat people this way. If you can't break free for yourself, try to break free for someone or something else that you value. I know you can't see it right now, but you deserve so much more, and it's right for you to be treated better
Anybody that yells at my cats gets kicked out of my house. End of story. You train animals, or you modify your habits, but you don't scream at animals. I'll admit I've had an incident in the past where our dog, a rescue who was bred and abandoned, shit all over the floor rather than let us know she needed to go outside. For some reason she would sneak downstairs, poop (like, liquid poop, all over the living room), and then sneak back upstairs. After 3 times in one week, while scrubbing diarrhea out of the rug, I lost my temper and yelled at her. I felt terrible after because I knew she wasn't doing it out of malice, but we just could not figure out a way to train her out of this awful habit.
Okay, but that's still my fault, honestly. I'm the human. She's the dog. I needed to keep better track of her, figure out a way to let her out more, or just control my temper. And your SO needs to wash the freaking dishes!
Thankfully, cats are pretty easy to train away from doing things. Here's a great product you can buy that sends out a burst of compressed air when it senses motion. It's perfect for training pets away from countertops. Alternately, you can use spray bottles to spritz them when you catch them in the act. You can also spray your SO from time to time if he won't do the damn dishes. You should not have to be putting pans in the oven, dealing with ants.
No joke, the book “Difficult Conversations” legit changed how I approach so many aspects of listening and communicating with people, especially people I care about. Highly recommend
(Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most https://www.amazon.com/dp/0143118447/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_OxEpAbP80JR15)