Babies end up in the ICU and have died from watered down breast milk. Don't do that. I had to supplement with formula for a week and a half. My milk didn't come in until day 5 and then I had an infection in my incision requiring strong antibiotics. Pumped the entire time (20 min each session even when nothing was coming out to increase production) and increased output and kept it going until I was ready. Was told by the lactation consultant that ready made formula already bottled up was preferable for young babies until they are about a month old because the powder can be hard for them to digest. Similac Pro-Advance Infant Formula, Ready to Feed Newborn Bottles https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000N351WQ/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_zcXsBbY3BFZMW
But if you can't do the premade, do the powder. But for the love of your infant, feed it formula or donor breast milk. But don't water it down. You can kill your baby.
We seem to "grow" stuffed animals like weeds. I don't know where they come from, but there just seem to be more and more. My kids absolutely love them, though, and most of them are gifts. I'll take 50 stuffed animals over a single toy that sings and makes noise. Plus, stuffed animals encourage creativity... they're not so bad.
One thing we've done (all props to my wife for finding this) is the bean bag storage for all the animals (https://www.amazon.com/Creative-QT-Stuff-Sit-Available/dp/B01MRNY6WS). You stuff all the animals into the bean bag as the filling. Because they're stuffed animals, it's still comfy, and now you have a chair and storage.
It is now illegal for health insurance providers to deny coverage, charge more, or deny treatment based on pre-existing conditions. This was one of the primary provisions of ObamaCare.
According to HealthCare.gov, the only exception to this is individually purchased (not job-based) grandfathered health insurance plans. So assuming the OP's family has insurance through the wife's employer, the insurance company isn't allowed to deny anything because of pre-existing conditions.
When I was reading your description...
>My son said Ant Man - which wasn't even an option - and so I asked my SD (6) what her choice would be. She chose Spider Man. So I picked Spider Man since it actually WAS an option. Well, my son didn't like that.
...it seemed pretty obvious to me that, unless you left out a lot of intermediate steps, from his perspective you asked him what he wanted and then immediately and unilaterally dismissed it. You didn't even attempt to explain until it was too late and emotions were boiling over. He didn't understand why it happened, he had no opportunity to correct and choose an existing option, and he had no opportunity to collaborate on a solution with his sister.
If you can imagine your husband asking you and your daughter your opinions on where to eat out, then simply saying "Ok, we are going to Daughter's restaurant" without a hint of discussion, you can imagine how dismissed you would feel. It would have been nice if he'd simply said, "the Italian place isn't open on Sundays, do you have another idea?"
Ignoring harmless "bad" behavior whenever possible is one of the primary strategies recommended by behaviorists (it is well supported by research; even negative attention works as a reinforcer), so the latter part of your interaction was perfect from that perspective. One of the issues I have with behaviorism, though, is that it is primarily reactive and doesn't do anything to address underlying causes. In this case, the tantrum could have been easily avoided to begin with. If you're curious about strategies in that vein, you should take a look at How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and (in regards to cooperating on choosing a story) Siblings Without Rivalry.
The drawing a bath part actually worries me more than the going out side part.
I would really start enforcing a stay in your room policy, if you have a baby monitor you could put in his room/yours or walkie talkies so he could call you if he needed something.
I wonder if you could install something like this: https://www.amazon.com/Battery-Operated-Dementia-Patients-Installation/dp/B07RR7D2VK
An alarm that would go off if certain doors are opened?
Not sure if this is age appropriate for your girls, but people on this sub have recommended C is for consent and I love it.
Thanks for sharing.
Advise from this sub is mostly awful. Anytime I’ve posted, I get the “you’re overreacting” and some anecdotal stories.
With that said, allow me to offer some of my own awful advise:
Search your house for other types of surveillance. It is almost too easy to get near invisible cameras and hide them anywhere.
Here’s the first thing I found when I searched “hidden camera” on amazon:
Hidden Spy Camera | 1080P Full HD | Charger | Has Motion Detection | Loop Recording | Flash Transfer Stick | for Protection and Surveillance of Your Home and Office (1 Cam with 32 GB) (16 GB) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07RGNJ4QH/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_LzMrDbZGEQDNZ
Reach out to an attorney. If push comes to shove, it’s best to have someone with the legal know-how to back you up. Some suggested police. But they have limited resources and are not your friend. A lawyer is your friend in this type of situation.
Edit: this type of sexual harassment absolutely warrants a personal restraining order, which would be very appropriate.
First of all the obligatory mention of talking to your children about internet safety is by far the most important step in keeping them safe.
Here's what I do.
I have a separate Wifi network dedicated for the kids devices (check and see if your router supports 'Guest Network ' functionality.
This Wifi network runs on a schedule so it turns on at 8am and disappears at 8pm.
All mobile devices and kids computer accounts use the free family shield DNS service https://www.opendns.com/home-internet-security/
Mobile phones are trickier because their data can circumvent most stuff. Check to see whether your cellular carrier offers parental control setting on data. Personally I lock down which apps can use mobile (for example YouTube can't
There is no better movie review site for parents. It's just too easy to forget severe scenes and such in movies when you haven't seen them in a while. It's especially useful for movies you haven't seen yet.
For example, I went to see How to Train Your Dragon with my kids (including a 3 year old) and knew from the review that there was only one scene I had to be careful of. When that one came up, I distracted her with M & M s
8 seems a little unnecessarily young. I waited until my kid was around 10-11 and bought this book.
I really recommend it. It covers a lot of stuff and is very educational.
Big Mouth is a funny show but it's not an educational tool. I mean would you recommend your kid watching American Pie to learn about sex?
If you like the dynamic of "kill the laundry monster every morning", give Habitica a try. It gamifies to-do lists, is free to play, helps this SAHD keep track of the various work that needs to be done (both the one-offs and the recurring items), and makes it all a bit more fun. Particularly good for those "I don't want to clean the mirrors, but I'm so close to leveling up, I'll get it done" motivations.
The Android app is a bit wanting, but folks speak well of the iOS version. I just leave a tab open to it.
—A level 48 rogue ☺
Register with Toys for Tots.
Pay attention to any other similar efforts, probably organized by local fire or police departments.
When your kid enters public school, fill out the paperwork for the federal free/reduced meal program, even if you plan to make lunches for her to take to school. Being registered for the program means you'll receive any other communications intended for low income families, such as information about Toys For Tots, winter clothing programs, school supply programs, etc.
Register with a local Freecycle.org mailing list. You can post 'wanted' messages.
Search Facebook for your town's name and the word 'free'. Many towns have a free forum, much like Freecycle or the free classified section on Craigslist.
I work at a company that makes infant formula ingredients and even the marketing guys steer away from making claims that formula is just as good as breast milk. While that article you linked did touch on the many ways in which the evidence for benefits are marginal at best, it ignored the one very well documented way in which breast milk is clearly superior - immune system development. Formula got better in this regard when ARA was added to the mix in the early 00's, but not by much.
With that said, the reason we are in the business that we are is to make infant formula as much like breast milk as is humanly possible, and we don't do a bad job. There are hundreds of reasons why women can't breastfeed and if they can't, their kids will still grow up just fine.
There's a great CBT-based workbook for kids dealing with perfectionism issues called What To Do When Mistakes Make You Quake. It's aimed at slightly older kids, but you might be able to work through it with him.
Scratch is a "visual programming language" developed by MIT and is a great way to get kids thinking the way a programmer thinks by making small animations and even games. It's worth checking out and easily age appropriate for a 9 year old.
To piggy back on this comment - there is a series of books about dragons that my sons therapist recommended when we were dealing with some anxiety in preschool. Here is a link to one of them. We found them helpful and the dragon theme might be useful to OPs daughter.
....no. You're wrong.
Shingles is reactivation of the chickenpox virus (varicella-zoster). The only way to get shingles is if you've been previously infected with chickenpox.
I'm not sure someone who needs outside advice to evaluate his sense of entitlement to blowjobs from a nauseous pregnant woman even knows how to begin being supportive. I just feel like, maybe reboot your entire personality and framework for understanding interpersonal relations? Here is a book recommendation that might help.
I have no advice about 'not being just-a-mom' in the modern world, but thought you might find a book on the archaeology of textiles interesting, in that it shows this is not a new problem: "Women's Work: The First Twenty Thousand Years," by Elizabeth Weyland Barber. The subtitle is "Women, Cloth and Society in Early Times."
The author points out how much of cloth creation was done by women specifically because, from spinning thread to weaving, most of the steps in home textile manufacture could be stopped at any moment to allow for child care.
What I also found interesting is that it was written at a time when most archaeology was done by men, who missed the signs that women were at work in the old days. For instance, small stones left in a row were puzzling to them, until eventually someone realized they were weight stones for a vertical loom.
Just thought it might give you a fresh perspective on your very personal problem!
Good luck to you!
Get a stick applicator. My five year old is very smart & capable...but she can't get an appropriate amount of lotion and apply it correctly to her face by fully rubbing it in, not getting it in her eyes, applying it to the back of her arms, etc. I mean, maybe if she had a lot of time and a mirror she might do better, but in the classroom that's not a thing.
Frankly, I'm frustrated by the rules. I'm in Florida. It HAS to be reapplied hours later. I get how frustrating it would be for teachers to apply it for 20 kids in her class...but know what? It would be even more frustrating to skip the afternoon play time b/c some parents are getting frustrated that their kids are picking up cancer in the afternoon. The most damaging exposure they have is right now.
Don't worry about bugging the other passangers. The majority of them have flown with a baby and know how stressful it is for the parents, so they are usually pretty understanding.
>We don’t want to succumb to using the iPad to distract her
Seriously? On a five hour flight? You do whatever works, instead of worrying about screen time. A flight is not the time or place to set screen time limits.
When my daughter was that age-ish, I packed a bag with various "surprises" for the flight - and when things started to go south, I'd pull something new from the bag. This only works if the "surprise" items are things your kiddo has not played with before.
These are a must because they are pretty magical and no-mess:
If you'll be sitting by the window, get some static clings, colorforms, or those gummy re-usable window stickers for the plane window and the wall of the plane.
Check out the dollar section at the front of Target - sometimes they have unusual items that might be entertaining for a kid on a plane flight. Also, if your kiddo likes certain characters or animals, tey might enjoy blind bags (my kiddo loved the Puppy In My Pocket blind bags, though your kiddo may be a little young - you can make your own "blind bags" by wrapping small animals, little people, stuffed animals, etc. in wrapping paper for her to open if thigs get really bad).
Bring lots of snacks - even junky snacks that you would not normally give - and something to drink (either from a sippy cup or bottle) when the plane is taking off and landing (to help with the pressure on her ears).
Wonderful news! I know you aren’t looking for a recommendation, but as a dad myself I loved the book “Strong Fathers Strong Daughters” by Meg Meeker.
Really put in perspective my role as a dad for a daughter.
Strong Fathers Strong Daughters
>The problem is I can't come up with punishments
That's not the problem. There are probably dozens of actual problems (both big and small) underlying this situation, and what you need are solutions. Punishment does not create solutions; at best it might create motivation, but as research has shown us again and again, that form of motivation can come with significant negative side effects. Consider that your "solution" to your son's problems is to find ways to make him unhappy (punishment), and what that's teaching him as a problem-solving strategy and as a relationship model: that he stops caring and reacts by making other people miserable isn't particularly surprising.
You need to change your perspective on discipline. You need to stop using methods that are inherently antagonistic and ultimately unhelpful, any start using methods that build relationships and are focused on helping him identify and actually solve his problems.
Take a look at The Explosive Child. It outlines an evidence-based discipline model that focuses on understanding and problem-solving rather than punishment. There are more resources available at the Lives in the Balance website (take particular note of The B Team Facebook group linked there).
>My son is an ass, constantly.
Most of what you described sounds like a normal 8 year old and some of it sounds a little ADHD-ish (with the caveat that no such judgement will be accurate from a few sentences of description).
The fact that you call your son an ass because of his difficulties is concerning and I'm not surprised the doctor's reaction was to tell you to cut out the negativity.
>Doctor says not to punish or be negative. How do I get him to listen without mentally wearing myself to a breaking point.
There are evidence-based discipline models that don't utilize punishment - in fact, the most effective ones tend to absolutely minimize punishment or eschew it altogether. The reality is that punishment simply isn't very effective and is fraught with negative side effects.
If you want a punishment-free model that's effective, I suggest you take a look at The Explosive Child and the additional resources at its website.
So your baby is around a week old or so? 2 things come to mind. Get a nipple shield - it helped immensely with my second son's ability to latch. I think if I would have had it for my first I would have been able to breastfeed him. Instead I exclusively pumped, which is my other thought for you if the shield doesn't work. Call your insurance company if you haven't already - the vast majority will mail you a free double electric breast pump (be sure to purchase a pumping bra with this, your wrists will thank you!).
Also, call your hospital to see if they have a breastfeeding support group (or an appointment with a lactation consultant). Many hospitals have this, or can refer you to another local hospital that has one.
My brother used to pretend he was a dinosaur. If he wanted our attention or didn't like what we were doing he would head-butt like a triceratops. On the plus side, he was usually a herbivore and mom could get him to eat his greens.
He eventually grew out of it, I think from interacting more with other kids who didn't want to be dinosaurs.
This was between ages 2-5 (approximately).
He transitioned from being a dinosaur to playing with realistic replicas of dinosaurs instead.
Now he's a mostly functioning adult graduating from college early and studying artificial intelligence and everything.
It will be okay.
EDIT: I told my husband about this thread and he lovingly sent me this link.
SIDS was my wife's biggest fear with our kids. They sell monitors that go off if it doesn't sense breathing movement or heart rate. We used Angelcare and Owlet products.
It truly did give us peace of mind during infancy.
PS, I'm truly sorry for all you have gone through this year. You're an amazing sister for taking on this responsibility. With that selfless trait alone, you'll be a wonderful parent figure to your nephew.
You could try cutting the correct size from a 4'X8' sheet of acrylic from Home Depot ($110). Attach it using velcro. You could also just buy something pre-made from Amazon.
Get your father this Mathematics for Babies book! He'd probably get a kick out of it if he likes math in general.
Some of the newer cabinet locks don't require hardware to install. They use 3m adhesive, which comes off with no damage. Ask your landlord but its probably ok to use those.
Something like these: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07B47PDB4/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_QTkvBbW760GVX
It might be painful, or it might be the last little bit of control he has over "poop". I would look into adding in Miralax, which should just add water to his poop, not bulk it or stimulate his colon. That will make it easier for him to "squeeze it out" and simultaneously harder for him to hold it in. I would also recommend this book by a leading pediatric urologist in the field.
I used to be a yeller, and then I started to see the same behavior manifest in my toddler. She'd yell at her sister, yell at us, and overall just get really emotional. I knew I had to change something.
I did some googling, and came across Laura Markham's blog. I read some posts she had on there and eventually came across the title of her book Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. I have to say, it's been a total game changer for me. It really helps explain why children misbehave (speaks to my daughter very accurately). It also gives tips on how to change your own behavior and truly understand what your child needs.
I haven't finished reading the book, am only about 1/2 through, but it's already markedly changed my behavior, and that of my toddler. My wife has noticed less stress and anxiety in the house, and even my daughter has made a comment about how much calmer things have been. I cannot recommend it enough!
Also document everything.
And depending on legality in your state, install and use Call Recorder - ACR. If you are unsure of the laws, just start every call off with her with "this call is being recorded."
And if reasonable, don't talk to her in person without someone else as a witness.
In my opinion, an 8 year old should not have unsupervised screen time anyway. Only in the room with you where you can see the screen, and not allowed in his bedroom at night. Removes temptation. Otherwise there's other stuff he can do if you can't be with him.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. Maybe evaluate what friends he's hanging out with? He had to have heard about this from somewhere.
EDIT: this page has some good options on how to approach the topic with your son. Best of luck!
Agreed. These are both great ideas for your daughter as she gets older. I’m so sorry for everything you’re going through.
Hallmark Press & Play Recordable Storybook: All the Ways I Love You https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00JDOTG3Q/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_aU16Cb0VFC9FF
My Mom - Her Story. Her Words. https://www.amazon.com/dp/1932319638/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_-U16CbGJW0K90
My husband had our newly potty trained 2 year old at the park by himself , she said “ I have to poop” .. the bathroom was locked . So being the super prepared mother then I am had packed her travel potty seat ( link below) in the Diaper bag . He found a spot away from the playground ( they were the only ones at the playground) and Whipped out her potty seat ( has a little baggy attached) and she pooped .. outside at the park.
So I really hope someone didn’t judge him, it was either that or she poop her pants.
OXO Tot 2-in-1 Go Potty for Travel - Green https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00NFJICEO/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_czBjBbDVNP784
Is this what you're talking about?
I’m so very sorry about this.
There’s a movie called My Life that night be helpful. It’s about a man who finds out he’s going to die. He then makes a series of videos for his son where he reads books aloud, teaches his son to shave, etc.
My Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00000F5MN/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_hzASDbAXXW343
His current weight isn't the problem. How he got there is.
He's gone from 270 to 140 pounds in 6 months. Assuming there are 3500 calories per pound of fat, that 130 pound weight loss is equivalent to a 2500 calorie deficit per day. That is extreme, to say the least. Healthy weight loss is generally taken to be 2 pounds per week as an upper limit; this is almost three times more than that.
He's had issues with self-image in the past, he's made a sudden change to his eating habits, and he's lying and making excuses for why he can't eat around family. And he wants to lose more weight in addition to this.
I don't agree with some people here that immediate residential treatment is a necessity (although eating disorders have the highest mortality rate among mental illnesses, have very poor recovery rates and honestly inpatient might not be an overreaction), but this is clearly disordered behaviour and OP's son does need to see a doctor now, not when he's fainting during the day and left with long term heart issues.
> It means I haven't had a spicy dinner at home in years, but that's the price to pay.
As a parent I have amassed a fabulous collection of hot sauces from all over the world. Now I can turn any of our family pablum into a tasty meal for myself without disturbing the harmony of the flavors.
And the jewel of the crown, by the way, is ABC Hot and Sweet Chili Sauce which is incredibly versatile. Not super spicy but it wakes stuff up nicely. The Amazon price is ridiculous, it's €1.80 at the local shop.
Gregory the Terrible Eater. By Mitchell Sharmat
Super cute book about a goat that will only eat fruit and veggies and healthy human food. His goat parents are concerned that he doesn't eat goat food. It's about his compromise in eating both. It's cute.
Here's the Amazon link:
Gregory, the Terrible Eater https://www.amazon.com/dp/0545129311/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_od2kybJF8BBZ0
>The 4 yr old says "Yes, I did do that..." I put and end to it and put both in time outs until one of them would decide to be truthful with me and admit they did it.
You put the 4 year old in time out until he'd admit it, after he admitted it?
> I reprimand the 4 year old for lying, breaking my trust, and speaking rudely/accusing his brother. ... this is NOT the first time this almost EXACT situation has played out.
And then you used the word of someone you know is untrustworthy to reprimand the 4 year old?
Punishment has a lot of well-studied negative side effects, not the least of which is increased frequency and skill at lying. And on top of it you're letting your kids use your punishments as a weapon against each other. Time out, accusations, and reprimands - particularly over situations you have no clear understanding of which results in punishments that appear totally capricious - are not things that generate a positive environment. I'd suggest you take a look at How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Siblings Without Rivalry, as they both outline a number of strategies for tackling these situations more productively.
What if your child "helped" with food prep? Stirring, pouring liquid and dry ingredients (with your muscles), mix salad ingredients, etc. I know it would be more work for you.
Something like this could help them watch food prep and be more involved. An engaged child is going to be more motivated to eat the meal they helped with. Also they can hear you say to others, enjoy/try this ---- that "child's name" made and then maybe they will try it too.
You may want to read The Millionaire Next Door.
While it is basically a study of wealthy people, the same holds true at different income levels.
The basic premise is that wealthy people are typically first generation wealth, so they supply everything they didn't have as a kid to their children. Their kids then do not experience the same level of obstacles to overcome (that ultimately makes them stronger to face the world) and they end up ill equipped to follow in their parents successful footsteps.
Its a very interesting read, and also debunks a lot of misconceptions about "rich people" along the way.
We call them "prison Pjs"
TLDR: cut the feet off zip-up footie jammies and put them on backwards so the kid can't unzip them without help.
> I flick his fingers for getting in a drawer after me telling him no and he just yells and screams at me until I comfort him and then goes right back to what he was doing.
Using corporal punishment, especially with a strong willed toddler, will cause a lot of problems for you down the line (like Oppositional Defiant Disorder). Obviously you're here asking for recommendations because you realize you don't have the skills to handle this child's temperment (which is great - seeking help). It sounds like your older kid was exceptionally easy.
I would look into parenting classes in your area. Or if you're more the book sort:
Skip the little potty and go with the ring that sits on the real toilet if they will sit on it!
We also have this seat on the toilet in our kids' bathroom. It's a regular seat, but has a drop down kid seat.
They can very easily get addicted to passively watching moving pictures. Have you looked at Amazon Fire for kids ? It comes with a lot of parental controls (time limit) and more educative content than an iPod touch.
Amazon has this disposable brand for $20 that comes with 44.
You could also try to find a larger size cloth diaper.
If you have any sewing skill you could make your own, but etsy might have a seller with a 6 year old size..
In addition to the big life changes you mentioned, there is a natural defiance/pushing borders development that happens at this age. We went through in second grade too.
We went to a therapist and she gave us this book - this is taught in Master of Social Work programs, so it's a legit resource.
The positive reinforcement is important.
Also - adjust your morning schedule to allow for a vigorous walk before school, or some sort of other physical activity. I hate to make a pet comparison - but he sounds like a border collie. Very intelligent, but NEEDS physical exercise to focus. (Please forgive me - I know your kid isn't a dog!!)
Here are some books.
We checked them out from the library to read, but a lot of libraries are closed right now.
A Smart Girl's Guide: Friendship Troubles
All of the American Girl books I've purchased offer great advice and are well received and loved by my daughter.
Check out the book What to Do When You Worry Too Much - it’s based on cognitive behavioral therapy which is the gold standard treatment for anxiety. There’s another book in the series focused on perfectionism that might be helpful too. Seeing that other kids struggle with these issues too, and that there are specific skills she can learn to overcome them, might be really helpful in itself. It also might help her be more open to having a professional “feelings doctor” work on these skills with her if things get to that point.
> Don't ever tell him you intend to leave until you are leaving and do so with people there who can assist you in leaving.
YES. There are more tips in this book, but OP, I would recommend you only get an electronic copy of this book (Kindle or on your computer desktop or whatever), so that he doesn't see it:
That book is a godsend. It talks about protecting yourself from both stranger violence and intimate violence. A random woman I met at a party once confided that it had saved her life. It also helped a friend of mine plan her divorce from her abusive husband.
250,000 people die a year from asthma, and cat allergies trigger asthma attacks. You never know when her immune system might decide to freak out further. No one ever thinks it can happen to them until it does. Your kid has precisely one life to live. Don't gamble with with it.
> Allergic sensitivity to cats, confirmed through skin testing, was associated with a threefold increase in asthma risk in the study, conducted using data from the nationally representative health survey, NHANES III.
> Cat allergy was the strongest single predictor of asthma risk among the common allergen exposures examined, but sensitivity to white oak and the common outdoor fungus Alternaria were also independently associated with asthma risk.
One day, you walk into your child's room, and you find she's taken her last breath. Don't add to that statistic. Those cats should have been gone a year and a half ago.
You can get a box of pregnancy test strips off Amazon for $0.36 I’m not trying to get pregnant but sometimes get nervous and love keeping these on hand.
AccuMed Pregnancy Test Strips, 25-Count Individually Wrapped Pregnancy Strips, Early Home Detection Pregnancy Test Kit, Clear HCG Test Results, Over 99% Accurate https://www.amazon.com/dp/B071YNWRPP/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_8SDDNGY8ZA5JXE4RVE4E
>Bad habits are hard to break, and I want pur daughter to be happy and healthy.
You cannot form bad habits in children at this age. For the next 18 months at least, you two are in absolute control of what she eats, and the only habit you might form is that she'll be picky and prefer sweeter foods.
You have a hang-up: you think that infant time is like other parts of life. It's not. Your baby is a healthy weight and it's almost impossible to overfeed a child at this age. You need to calm down and read a book about child health and wellness.
This book, from the American Academy of Pediatrics, is outstanding: Birth to Age 5
Read it, and calm down. Your wife isn't doing anything terrible, but you're poisoning your marriage. Read, and be cool.
PS - freaking out about nursing your child after vaccinations is ridiculous. You should definitely apologise for that.
We've had a similar issue with our 4 year old lately. He'll say that pink is only for girls, and when you ask him why he thinks that he'll say "Daddy told me that." Which is... uhh.. not true, because I'm daddy. I honestly have my suspicions as to who in the family might be pushing those sort of rigid gender "norms", but I don't actually know for sure. My solution came one day when I was in a book store and stumbled across "Pink is for Boys". It's one of the cuter books I've come across, and it basically goes through various colors and activities and talks about how every color is for boys and girls, how boys can like to dance and how girls can like sports. This little gem will be making the trip with my kid to everyone's house whenever he spends the night with various grandparents, aunts & uncles, and so on. I know for me and my wife, it's important that our son understands that he can do whatever he wants and that silly gender "norms" aren't healthy. Especially since he's been super interested in dancing lately, and we're thinking of finding a dance class for him to join.
I don't think it's always a sign of helicopter parenting. I used to take my kids down slides (before I learned about the broken leg thing) and I'm very much a free-range parent. But my kid happens to be very nervous about slides in particular: she has no qualms about roller coasters designed for adults, but she won't go in these closed-tunnel slides, for example. I figured going down slides with her a few times would help her feel more secure about them.
We had those - kid outsmarted them.
But he couldn't outsmart a latch installed way above reach. https://www.amazon.com/Defender-Security-10827-Door-Reinforcement/dp/B00D2K367Y/ref=sr_1_13?dchild=1&keywords=childproof+front+door&qid=1611015262&sr=8-13
The fact that there are a bajillion different types of child safety latch on amazon should let you know that no, this isn't something that has just happened to you.
There's research that says that kids don't truly comprehend sharing until they are closer to 5 or 6. That their brains just aren't really to have that behavior be an expectation consistently at 2, 3, or 4 years old. How Toddlers Thrive was an excellent book that went over that research (and other toddler behaviors).
Basically, their emotional attachment to the thing they are playing with "right now" is incredibly high and asking them to give it away is like giving away a part of themselves and/or their security blanket. This then becomes difficult to manage when you have more than one toddler wanting the same thing at the same time. I assume this is why my daycare has multiple sets of the same toys, so the kids can each have their own instead of "pass it back and forth" style of sharing. Dialing back on the concept of sharing tends to help kids feel secure, which might lead to successful sharing earlier.
Younger toddlers also typically do "parallel play" where they play the same thing next to each other, but don't seem to actually interact, where are traditional playing together doesn't really emerge until 3-4years.
At 2 and 3, your kids are probably at different developmental stages regarding how they play and their capacity for sharing.
Instead of trying to tell him there's nothing to be scared about, teach him to handle his fear. A therapist might be helpful. You can also find hold aimed at parents of kids with anxiety, and this kid's book was recommended to us by my son's therapist and might be helpful.
I wouldn't start limiting his time with you, but I would look for temporary solutions. Does he feel safer sleeping on the couch? In a sleeping bag in the hallway? I would approach this as real anxiety, not a big for attention.
Read or listen to this book about managing difficult people (ignore the subtitle, it's relevant to managing any asshole): https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901
Call a lawyer and meet with him or her ASAP to understand your options, rights, and responsibilities before you make any big moves (or not) - maybe you can get an appointment today to get a quick lay of the land
Consider counselling for yourself. You deserve a talk with someone who will listen with empathy and keep you on track to respecting yourself and demanding respect from others
EDIT: Excuse me OP, I just noticed that your username is jnmil3. I haven't looked at your post history but if by any chance that stands for just no mother in law 3, consider that there might be a good chance your husband has a personality disorder. If your husband has been birthed and raised by someone in cluster B, he might be genetically predisposed to cluster B himself, and it's hard to come out of that emotionally/mentally unscathed. I urge you to read the book I suggested.
PS: I love the flair on this post.
There are age appropriate ways for kids to learn this stuff. The first thing I always do when I'm caught off guard is to ask, "How do you think you were made?" I just turn it around to see where they are at...and why they might be asking. (Obviously this is a comedy thing played for the laugh, but you wouldn't believe how similar some other stories of 'my kid asked' are to this exact thing.)
A book like this: It's Not the Stork! would also help with future explanations.
Find a copy of Oh Crap! Potty Training by Jamie Glowacki read it and implement it with your kid and be chill when it is frustrating as fuck. Since you are in a time crunch I wouldn't wait two weeks between finishing the book and starting training, I might hide the small floor potty while you read and I might get rid of the other seat completely and get something like this https://www.amazon.com/Mayfair-Removable-83SLOWA-000-883SLOWA/dp/B00EPET9RC/ref=sr_1_1_sspa?ie=UTF8&qid=1532635443&sr=8-1-spons&keywords=mayfair+next+step+toilet+seat&psc=1 (whether he truly means it or not those plastic seat ones can be scarý!)
One of the biggest rules with potty training is never ask if they need or want to go. They either have no idea they have to go or they do not want to.
You have to activity do the work to help him learn. He's not going to do it on his own.
I don't normally recommend Oh Crap Potty Training, not because I don't agree with it but because the whole method is just too fast for my liking but you pretty much need as quick as possible at this point.
Just remember to be chill no matter what happens at this point your attitude is vital. If you get upset you might be screwed.
Boundaries is a great book about developing this skill. It has some Christian references (which you may or may not be into), but it is such a useful book.
Not all that stuff is going to be done every day. But there is an insane amount of flexibility having one parent stay home.
Things like doctors appointments can be done during the weekdays, leaving weekends when dad is home for fun activities.
You don't have to coordinate two work holidays when you want to take a trip or something.
If baby gets sick and both parents are working, someone has to miss work to stay home. Same with working late and coordinating day are pickups - there's never an argument over who has to leave work.
In The Millionaire Next Door, there's a chapter on the person who stays home - the author calls it "playing defence" and how it contributed to a family's overall financial wellbeing. Someone is watching the budget, making dinner instead of eating out, those kind of things. It can end up being less costly (as it turned out to be in my wife and I's situation) to have someone stay home.
We do two things - One is a curated list of videos that we pick beforehand and then play on our TV with a Chromecast (but you could set up similar things with any other media device - Roku, Apple TV, smart TV, etc). The other is the YouTube Kids app (Android, iStore). On that one the kid has more or less free range as long as they watch it with an adult nearby.
This sounds like a febrile seizure (I’m not a doctor, but my son has had several). They’re usually triggered by a spike in temp (101+), and are generally considered to have no long-term effects (or so we’ve been told, and so far none have manifested).
They are scary as hell, and I feel for you OP. If you’d like more information on my experience, feel free to PM me.
Dude! Amazon moms! Save freaking 20% on diapers and wipes. This is a good chunk ovf you buy a box of diapers and a box of wipes every month. No shame in a dad signing up. I did. As a side note.. you can get most monthly household goods at that 20% off price.
Mine is not commercially offered any longer but this is a pretty good one. SentrySafe HD4100 Fireproof Safe and Waterproof Safe with Key Lock 0.65 Cubic Feet , black https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00GE57DFK/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_5FRBNKG4Y3S8SQET8FXA
You can also double up, use fire safe pouches inside the safe for extra protection.
I really wondered whether she could be autistic. Girls are routinely missed because they present differently. The OP might want to read about PDA and see if it rings any bells. PDAers also get missed by the medical system because they don't look like "regular autistic kids". This sounds like demand avoidance to me.
The book "The Declarative Language Handbook" has been really, really helpful to me with my son who is autistic and a PDAer. It's really short and practical and it gives advice on speaking to kids who struggle with demands (and other kids too!) Without triggering fight or flight/demand avoidance.
Agree with this. We used to be in a similar situation. We use white noise machine and although it's better, also tend to not flush.
I know it's far from easy but try to push back on curious George - we have been down that path too and it is a dark and sleepless one.
Edit: also, I never thought this would work but as usual my wife proved me wrong and got our 2 year old on it: Hatch Baby Rest Night Light, Sound Machine and Time-to-Rise https://www.amazon.com/dp/B06XMRCC94/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_DAWlCb85K65VS
Our son really does wait for the light to turn green (6am) before running to our room!
If he had depression and rejects any type of way of addressing or handling it, then he is choosing this behavior. I'm sorry, maybe that's unkind or not modern thinking, but it's what I believe (and also how my therapist views it vis a vis struggles I have with my own spouse). So, I would then view your job as to determine what your boundaries are in relation to someone who chooses not to participate in your marriage or family life.
It is not at all 100% applicable, but I found the book Codependent No More very helpful for a somewhat similar dynamic. It emphasizes a few things:
So a lot of the book is about addiction, and that may not apply. But it is a really helpful read. Take what you need from it, what benefits you, and ignore what doesn't apply. I cannot tell you how much this book changed my life (and my marriage) for the better.
This situation is my nightmare as well! I can highly recommend the Baby and Child First Aid app (in Google Play Store by the British Red Cross.
Apart from teaching the basics of Baby First Aid, it also functions as an quick reference guide which tells you the first steps to take in any emergency.
I took the baby first aid classroom course that the British Red Cross offer (also recommended if you're in the UK), and the app is great at reinforcing the knowledge. You never know when you need it!
Loooooord have we been here.
Our compromise was getting a large Thomas rug and the tracks can stay on the rug. Anything beyond the perimeter of that gets cleaned up (sometimes the boys’ tracks will go from one room to another, which is really just too much lol).
I think maybe it’s this one? But there are others too: https://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Friends-Mega-Mat-Inches/dp/B01NCRQNN1
>He has said that Mr. M is mean ... I told him Mr. M is nice
If you want your kid to actually talk to you about his problems, he needs to feel his perspective is heard. If nobody listens and actually helps him get to the root of the problem, is it any surprise he escalates to unignorable responses?
You don't solve problems by being dismissive. You also don't solve problems through "time out and privilege loss." You solve problems by gathering information about them - including the concerns of the people involved - and then creating a plan that can address those concerns. Paiger's advice is good, and I suggest you take a look at The Explosive Child for a solid, evidence-based model for problem-solving.
Sounds to me like he is a two yr old.
Children develop at different ages, and the spectrum for child development for young kids is HUGE. One kid can master something at 18 months, one might take until 22 months. Both are considered within the proper development spectrum.
For example, Piagets statges of development...https://www.webmd.com/children/piaget-stages-of-development#1. The third stage is toddler - 7 years. SOme kids just develop quicker or slower than others, but this doesnt mean you failed your kid.
These earplugs have been helping me. They are designed to let sound through, but lower the volume (like at a concert where you don't want muffled). They help take the edge off a little bit.
I'm sure there are nicer quality ones out there, but these are a decent budget friendly solution to try.
I can't believe your nurse wants you to supplement with formula at 3 days 6 old.
Your wife is going to have no supply and will be forced to rely on formula.
The cluster feeding at 0-5 days old is what's supposed to bring in her supply, and you're sabotaging it by feeding formula.
You should buy a book on breastfeeding and do some research before feeding any more formula.
The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding: Completely Revised and Updated 8th Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/0345518446/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_7YeABbB1E0A04
It is not uncommon for people to figure out that working actually costs them more than not working.
Once you count in the cost of daycare and commuting and the tendency to not cook at home and the lack of time for shopping and mending, it is often worth it to not work at all.
We tend to focus on making money, but The Millionaire Next Door has a whole section on the value of someone at home 'playing defense'.
Check out /r/frugal for things that you can do to save money if you have the time back that you would have spent at work.
The Daniel Tiger android app is also fantastic as well. It's not free, but it's safe and has no in-app purchases. It was $3 well spent for our tablet.
It lets you help Daniel with the Potty, the Doctor, going to sleep, and lets them make music to express their feelings. My 3-year old son loves it.
Yes, since it is cheaper and easier to replace a car seat and stroller versus buying a new car as your wife was talking about :)
I had good luck with the Chicco KeyFit fitting in a very small (2 door) car. Instead of a stroller, you can get a universal car seat carrier that the car seat carrier clicks into, and takes up less space in the trunk.
Edited to add, sorry, didn't even notice that one was a double car seat carrier. Obviously you would search for a single.
I'm not sure if your area has Nextdoor.com but around the end of summer beginning of the school year I see lots of parents looking for options for before school transportation and carpooling type situations. You might consider checking with other parents there if your area has that to see if you can find another parent in the area willing to help?
Free DNS filtering that goes on your router that blocks all of this stuff from your entire home network. Pretty easy to set up and manage. Then, you can make sure that the kids account on the computer is not an admin account so they can't change the DNS setting on the computer itself to get around it.
I'm helping my wife raise a very-strong-willed 8-year-old, who already acts like a teenager in some respects. Being the stepdad + not being the one that actually bore her; I can't logic her like this! :D
Edit: https://getpocket.com/explore/item/gentle-parenting-explainer-no-rewards-no-punishments-no-misbehaving-kids showed up in my browser feed. We're doing a fair bit of this already.
We got the highest reviewed off of Amazon to use at a wedding. My son was 6 weeks old and slept 6+ hours.. we actually had to wake him to eat.
Here is a link.. If that's allowed? Baby Banz EMBB Hearing Protection, 0-2 Years, Blue https://www.amazon.com/dp/B007BEHSDU/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_3dlzzbQ33V8MS
Editing to add that I saw your other post and I really hope some of the suggestions help. Please keep us updated on if anything works.. as a mother pregnant with my second this is one of my biggest fears once the baby arrives.
I have this one thats super comfortable:
Lightspeed Outdoors Warmth Series Self Inflating Sleep Camp Pad (3.0) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01F7WEQYG/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_4V00Db2A4BC0C
Sharing a bedroom isn't ideal, but as long as there is a bathroom for privacy (and something padded to sleep on, it seems fine for weekends.
They're not going to do these things on their own if they don't want to. You might appreciate the tools in The "Me, Me, Me" Epidemic: A Step-by-Step Guide to Raising Capable, Grateful Kids in an Over-Entitled World. It's a highly practical book with tools like "When-Then" (e.g. "when you've picked your things up, then you can go over to your friend's house"), explanations for how and when to use natural vs. logical consequences, and phrases you can use.
Your LO is probably still too little for these suggestions, but here's how my toddler helps in the kitchen:
She cuts up stuff with plastic lettuce knives (like this https://smile.amazon.com/PROfreshionals-72020-Lettuce-Knife/dp/B001I33AYQ?sa-no-redirect=1 but I think from ikea). She can cut up potatoes for mashed potatoes, any kind of fruit, hot dogs, vegetables... Obviously nothing where things need to be super uniform, but it's really helpful! I peeled and quartered 6 peaches yesterday and she chopped them all up. If it's something that does require more precision, I can hand her scraps (like the stalks of broccoli) and she believes she's still helping haha.
Baking and cooking with a food scale. Lots of recipes have a metric option where everything is by weight. It's hard to get her to accurately measure 1 cup of flour, but she can do 100 grams no problem (and if she goes over, I can take some out).
Whisking. She freaking loves her tiny little whisk. She uses it to beat eggs for me, mix up jello, or make hummingbird food with sugar and water. For the jello, I use the keurig to get hot but not boiling water so she can be pretty independent.
The most recent skill is getting things out/putting them away.
Ingredients out of the fridge and putting them back, for example. She can also get herself the tools she needs (that are within her reach). She helps put away some of the dishes.
It's so fun to have a little sous chef!
What To Do When You Worry Too Much is a great book for her to read together with you. There's another one in that series that focuses on anger as well.
“Consequences” don’t really work for toddlers. The best kind of consequences they can experience are natural ones. Meaning if they spill water on the ground, they have to help clean it up. Have you read this book: No Bad Kids by Janet Lansbury ? I know everybody recommends it for like every post about discipline, but it is a really good book!
The best way to handle behavior at this age is to guid them into appropriate behavior. If they are doing something inappropriate, guide their behavior into something better. Encourage them to behave well more than you discourage bad behavior. Toddlers are much more receptive to positive than to negatives.
They make baby gates with cat doors. We have used these since our daughter, who was born in 2012, became mobile. I used a mini bungee cord to hold the cat door open, in case the cats didn't get it. The cats never seemed to have a problem with those.
>we did what we could, everything from punishment to rewards-based encouragement. Nothing made any difference. She laughed in our face.
Both of these things are (a) forms of adult-imposed manipulation/force, and (b) do nothing to solve the underlying issues that give rise to the behaviors. "Do better or you'll regret it" / "do better and get a treat" - neither truly address how to do better, and it only exacerbates problems with kids who have a "push me and I'll push back" personality.
I'd suggest you take a look at The Explosive Child and the Lives in the Balance website; both focus on an evidence-based discipline model that is focused on collaboratively solving problems rather than applying force.
Since this does involve talking, it may help to get her uncle a copy as well - he might have to help you jumpstart the process. And definitely take advantage of the resources linked on the website, particularly the B Team Facebook group.
Kohn's book is great but does not contain much in the way of actual strategies to support the philosophy. You would be well served by also reading The Explosive Child, which gives you a practical, evidence-based model for handling problems without punishments or rewards.
We did for a little bit and have considered doing it again.
We did a twin over full bunk...oldest on top, two youngers sharing the full on the bottom. We had to stop, b/c the youngest just wasn't doing well in general with her sisters, even when we tried to put her in her own bed.
Cut down on toys. Clear shoe rack organizer on the back of the door like this one. Give each kid a few rows...you can store anything in there to make the room less cluttered. Socks and underwear so there is more room in the drawers for regular clothes. Small collections of toys so you don't need baskets and bins. Try to keep most toys out of the room in general - create a small play area somewhere else in the house, even if it's just a small rug with a bin of toys.
The biggest issue you may actually have is clothing sharing - As they grow they may have periods of similarly sized clothes, or even passing down one shirt to another as they outgrow...When an item gets passed down from oldest to middle, I put a line on the tag. When it gets passed from middle to youngest, I cross the line - so it's like a plus sign. Usually, I recognize new clothes no matter what...so we don't need to mark them, but this would also work with new clothes...so even the kids can help sorting, folding, or finding their own clothes.
I tried to color code (one kid got reds, pinks, yellows, oranges, the other got green/blue/purples)...But sometimes there were not certain colors available in certain seasons and then with hand me downs, it got very confusing.
It's junk science for gullible people. Someone is making a killing selling these things. Furthermore, there have been reports that there's risk of strangulation. I put it in the same category as these type of things: http://gizmodo.com/5723577/powerbalance-admits-their-wristbands-are-a-scam
1080P Security Camera, Pet Camera 2 Way Audio, Baby Monitor Night Vision, Motion Detection, Home Camera Compatible with Alexa, Indoor Camera, Baby Camera with Cloud Storage https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07N1QS7NF/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_XG4iDb36FQH8E
This camera has a motion detector and the alert and camera feed goes directly to your phone. You can also talk through a speaker from your phone.
Also maybe consider getting some child locks for the fridge and moving the kitty litter/water bowls to a location that he cannot reach/access. I have heard of some parents locking the door from the outside. It’s definitely a little dicey because it stops him from being able to go to the bathroom and god forbid if there’s an emergency it adds another step to evacuating. But it’s something to consider, you could always put a potty chair in his room too. While there is risk involved in locking him in, there is a risk involved with him roaming around the house unsupervised at night. There are many household dangers a child could get into when unsupervised so safety is the number one goal here. Good luck!
Beatbo bobblehead. The little plastic one, not the soft toy or the big dancing one. Those two are actually quite nice, and they lulled me into such a false sense of security that I actually purchased this thing of my own volition. The little bobblehead is noisy as fuck and bright as fuck, too. There's no volume switch and you get it to talk by violently shaking it. It yells things like "SHAKE IT TO THE BEAT!" and "HEY-OO! WOO-WOO!" while playing disco-ish music. Plus, they're available at Walmart!
Edit: This thing.
Shockingly, my kids have never had a car seat accident. Something about taking them pee right before we leave and then as soon as I get them out of the car again has been enough. You might gare surprised!
You can buy reusable pee pads. I like the reusable option because they’re environmentally friendly and multi-purpose (can be used in bed at night, for throw up, etc).