What are /r/nonmonogamy's favorite Products & Services?

From 3.5 billion Reddit comments

yes, but no.

this is my story https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/feb/08/my-life-in-sex-we-tell-each-other-everything-about-our-sex-with-other-people

no, there is no way to cope. - on your own. no, there is no way to adjust. - on your own.

there is a chance - a slim one - that you both restart your relationship in a new way.

but if he cheated on you - and now wants a free pass with opening the relationship so everything is fine - then no, that is most likely not going to happen.

read https://www.amazon.com/State-Affairs-Rethinking-Infidelity/dp/0062322583 if you want to read how other couples handled this

My partner and I were only really okay with opening things up once we talked about the difference between "loving" and "committing".

I am committed to her, and I love her. I may love anyone we bring in, but I will never commit to them.

On top of that, we both read a few books and articles regarding what's unfulfilling about pure monogamy.

I'm not saying it wasn't difficult, I'm not saying there wasn't a lot of shouting and tears, but I am saying we both got through it and are much better for it.

Also, like you... she is bisexual and we first opened things up with a threesome to make it an "us" thing instead of a "you" or "me" thing.

For an occasional overnight, if you live in a typical (non-tourist) city, decent hotels can be relatively inexpensive. Hotels.com or Booking.com (or many other sites)...

I can't believe I forgot one:

<strong>Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships</strong> by Tristan Taormino

Edited because I can't spell, apparently

In the meantime, if you're interested in reading...I recommend something on attachment theory. I bet you'll find that very insightful.

IDK that I recommend starting here, but this online course on couples communication is excellent. My partner and I went through this during the pandemic. Took us about 4 months, but it really is great. But I'd say this is "part deux" after you figure out why you're feeling the way you are.

Depends on what you're going for. There are swinging sites, fetish sites, poly/non-mono groups on Facebook, meetup.com, and your garden variety dating apps where you get what you get. It's a meat market for women generally speaking, and most guys will find it's a little harder for them. My best advice, meet people in person, go to lifestyle events where many people have a similar relationship structure. Take your time. Good luck!

The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola

You mentioned her breakup book, but I absolutely recommend Kathy's Jealousy Workbook for folx who are new to poly, especially those opening up an established, heretofore monogamous relationship.

Find Kahneman's Thinking, Fast and Slow and study it, if you haven't already. It will actually help you pay attention to your dual strengths, since that intuition you have isn't "irrational" in the pejorative sense but a part of what has kept us around as a species and as smoothly functioning persons. It goes wrong, but not because it's stupid or dull, but too efficient at arriving at conclusions. Knowing it and embracing it with your rational side will help you become more immune to that kind of emotional blackmail.

You're fine. You really are.

I've been going through this with my husband in a way. We have BOTH read/listened to "The Ethical Slut" and "Opening Up" and have spoken with various sex/couples therapists about the topic. There's much more to consider than just whether or not you think one or both people will benefit... and I think if you can get him to look into the various resources on non-monogamy - even as a thought experiment - then he will be more receptive to the practice in real life. Again, that's what I've experienced with my husband thus far.

Time to read some books and get a poly friendly therapist. There's a lot you have to do before either of you go looking for partners. I recommend reading: 1. Opening Up: A Guide To Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07H46BBC7 2. PolySecure: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08F5L14MY/

Recommend you get a copy of The Ethical Slut and give that a thorough going over. They have some really good content about jealousy, where it comes from, and how to deal with it. You're right that you can't want freedom and justify jealousy at the same time.

As for me, I choose to spend some time thinking about my jealousy when I feel it. Why am I feeling this way? What are the underlying feelings that are making me vulnerable? What can I do to make this work better?

Good luck.

>I find myself wanting a more physical relationship with someone [...[ I feel terrible for feeling this way.

You shouldn't, though, you are just a normal human being. It is perfectly normal to feel attracted to others even when in a monogamous relationship.

How about you and your partner read "Opening Up", for example? Having a common framework to discuss non-monogamy would allow you both to have more meaningful conversations.

Good luck!

We've spent some time looking for that and alas we haven't found many that were free and well done at the same time.

We like those two :

Sexy truth or dare free https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.baylandblue.truthordarefree&amp;hl=en

Swing party https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.simolas.swingparty

Both of you seem like emotionally immature, drama queens. Venting on Reddit isn't going to solve any of your problems. And I'm sure if we saw his side of the story it would be another gigantic fuckwad of text laying out petty gripes and hurt feelings.

TBH, both of you seem to be dealing with attachment issues in your relationship with each other and are acting out in destructive ways. Read 'Polysecure'.

https://www.amazon.com/Polysecure-Attachment-Trauma-Consensual-Nonmonogamy/dp/1944934987/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3DSCL490DSX01&amp;keywords=polysecure&amp;qid=1671753197&amp;sprefix=polysec%2Caps%2C154&amp;sr=8-1

It sounds like you guys jumped into ENM without much research or planning, and obviously people got hurt. I would refrain from doing that again!

If you're serious about ENM, I'd read up on it and put some serious effort into communicating with your husband - study up alongside him, talk about what worked, what didn't, how you felt, and your boundaries. I'd recommend this book as a starting point.

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating... https://www.amazon.com/dp/157344295X?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

Holy shit. So many red flags, gas lighting, and signs of emotional abuse. (link to a good book)

Stay at home dad for your adult children? Which means he doesn’t work? So you are supporting him?

If so then it’s time to make a hard decision. You need to calmly tell him to either respect our relationship or he can leave.

He doesn’t get to tell you to be in a relationship with another human. He doesn’t get to decide on his own how your relationship works. He doesn’t get to threaten cheating and try to blame it on you.

Honestly no one if they knew your situation would ever date him.

I hope you find the strength to deal with him. Narcissists and emotional abuse are so hard to deal with.

Ditch the dating apps and get out there and involved in your community. Volunteer, join a hobby group, or interest meetup. Meetup.com suggests stuff based on your interests and area. Fetlife.com suggest local meetups of poly/kinky groups and events. The point is to make awesome friends because having good people around you helps you be a good person. THEN maybe, with some of those awesome people, you end up being able to express your friendship sexually. Maybe one of those (or many) become a serious relationship. If that doesn't happen, at least you have some great friends that know your personal stance on monogamy, which allows you to be more yourself and feel more secure in your friend group, and they possibly can hook you up with more cool new people!

I was in the same spot (F/38) and got to the point where I have to stop seeing every person as a possible sex partner or romantic partner, and just see them as people that I'd like to have in my life. Whatever you get out of that relationship is a gift.

If you'd said you're totally opposed to it but want to make it work, I'd say no. But it seems like you recognize that the reason you're hesitating is your own insecurities, which makes me think it's possible.

I think there are a few things to think about. First and foremost: what do you need to make you feel secure in this relationship? Like, really dig in to what you'd need to be reassured that your partner isn't going anywhere. What does that look like on a high level? What does it look like on a daily level? Work that out and negotiate with your partner around that.

Second, some homework, like working through the Jealousy Survival Guide can help you get some clarity on things, some tools for expressing and coping with your feelings.

Finally, sometimes the only way you can know how you'll feel is to get into it. When you think you're in a place where you can handle dipping a toe in the water, open up and see how it goes. See how you feel, how you communicate your feelings with your partner, and how you both navigate it. It's important to realize that opening your relationship isn't a one-time decision, it's an ongoing thing that you'll both have to work on all the time. And if you open it and it doesn't work, you can always close or end the relationship. And you can open and close it as needed in order to do work on issues that pop up.

Successful open relationships take constant work/maintenance. You have to be clear about your needs and boundaries and trust your partner. You both have to be committed to good communication and taking good care of your relationship. But if all those conditions are right, it can be an amazing thing, multiplying the joy and sex and happiness in your life.

The real test of how wonderful the relationship is...is whether you can be yourself...unmask as it were and be vulnerable. The ideal relationship is one where you both can do that. Really sharing your thoughts, ideas and fears. It sounds like you're not quite there... How to get there?

Communication. I suggest starting with easier topics than "opening up." Start a journal together (we love using Google Docs). Write thoughts in the journal and comment on each other's thoughts. Ask questions. Explore together. Take an online course....we took this one on couples communication and it was awesome.

As part of that...talk about sexuality. Dive in deeply and see how vulnerable you both can be.

It sounds like you're not communicating well enough. You haven't had sex in 3 months and that's a problem. You need to talk about it and explore what's going on. How are you feeling? How is he feeling?

Couples therapy is an option. Find three therapists...that meet your criteria (I commented below on how to find a kink-friendly therapist) and then share those three with him in your journal and ask him to pick which one he prefers to have 3 sessions with to see how it goes. Frame it as "prehab" if you want instead of trying to fix something that's broken, explain how it is preventative maintenance (if that's true).

Great relationships take work. And the work is doing the hard stuff about communication. Learning how to listen without judging. I'm a big fan of the book Non-Violent Communication if you're into reading stuff on this.

You can do it!

Good luck! 🍀

Yeah, there is some good research on this. Tell Me What You Want is a book on research on sexual fantasies. They interviewed 5000 people and categorized their fantasies. I think there are 7 categories. That's it. All fantasies fall into these categories. And everyone has fantasies. LOL. It's way more common than you'd think. For example, something like 55% of men fantasize about cuckolding (their partner having sex with someone else). But like a tiny percentage of the people who have those fantasies act on them. Same things goes with threesomes (but a higher percentage follow through).

Bottom line, I think you're part of that minority that want to act on your fantasy. Your wife sounds like someone who is quite satisfied to leave the fantasy as just that.

Also, FWIW, fantasy and reality are VERY different.

Good luck! 🍀

Sorta true. There is some interesting research on sexual fantasies and it turns out there are seven basic categories. Something that jumped out to me from this book is how common fantasies are and how remarkably similar. Humans are very predictable as a group. Obviously each individual is unit.

I'm a fan of Polysecure - while it speaks a lot to polyam philosophy, its discussion of attachment types really helps you understand how to manage your relationships and spot red flags in others.

A great book to read and hand holds you through the process is "Open Deeply: A Guide to Building Conscious, Compassionate Open Relationships" by Kate Loree.

I love it because it helps guide you through various different situations, emotional pitfalls, red flags, jealousy, and so much more. I wish I had this book when I started 25 years ago. I suggest this book to all my coaching clients.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09F9FZ49N/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&amp;btkr=1

The most important advice I tell all my clients. Know thyself! Know what is it that you want to experience, what are you missing, what is the feeling you want to feel and your body. To be able to open communicate everything. You will have to give directions to your "new partner" about you.

Just have patience with yourself and your partner to make it work. There will be challenges but it can work. We have been in an open relationship since day 1. We have been together for 12 years.

I wish you luck!

You should read "Cheatingland: the secret confessions of men who stray". Although focused on straight men, he also interviewed women (gay and straight) and also a few gay men.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08LDWXGRG

In one of the most comprehensive studies on sexual fantasies, 58% of men had this fantasy making it one of the most common sexual fantasies.

Your in good company.

I use this https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B07YCR2RW9/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&amp;th=1

I've been able to take it on quite a few trips because it folds up smaller than a bath towel. The fabric is nice and it's not crinkly or rubbery.

He broke up with you so he could have sex with other people without guilt. Period. He’s an asshole and not worth your time. He didn’t get his way and threw a tantrum. He’s manipulative, immature, and an asshole. I’m going to put this here for you to read….Verbally Abusive Relationship Book

https://www.amazon.com/Playing-Fair-Nonmonogamy-Thorntree-Fundamentals/dp/1944934383
I would really recommend this book to any man who's not well-acquainted with feminism but is interested in non-monogamy. I listened to it on audible. I think this has a ton of good tips, not only for generating interest from potential partners, but for level-setting your approach to NM - what's feasible, what's not, etc.

You mention wanting to 'appeal to a lot of women' - I came in to ENM thinking the same thing. It's an easy mistake to make! Instead of generating the widest interest among women, I found it super helpful to tailor my profile to the right women - ie, the ones looking for the same things I'm looking for. Since doing so, I have had much better luck.

It ain't easy! But it is doable.

She’s worried. She knows it would make her feel unloved and unsafe, and doesn’t want her child feeling unloved and unsafe. It’s shit but it happens.

This book might be helpful.

Modern monogamy is a construct of organized religion and drive for an agrarian society. Families needed to stay together to work the farm. This is a fascinating read on the matter and will really open your eyes about what we have been conditioned to think and believe.

https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Dawn-Stray-Modern-Relationships/dp/1491512407/ref=nodl_

I’m shocked that no one has mentioned swinging. You want to explore your sexuality? Well that doesn’t mean you have to do it by yourself. Maybe she would be more open to the idea if it was something you were doing together. A fun thing, like playing tennis but it’s sex instead.

Listen to some podcasts together. Talk a lot. See if there is room to explore as a team.

Sapphic Swingers podcast

If you need any support I don’t recommend r/Swingers. It’s a cesspool, IMO. We have a private ladies only subreddit if you want to talk to other women. Just message the modmail at r/LifestyleLadies.

I recommend being yourself and not taking it too seriously. I am upfront with being polyamorous in my profile(s), which does limit the amount of matches I do get each day, but, even with the amount of matches I do receive, only a couple end up with a date. Past that, only a few go past a date or two. It does take some time and energy, but finding like-minded people is well worth it.

I have found both OkCupid and Feeld to be the best ones so far.

You could also lookup polyamory or non-monogamy meetups in your area on meetup.com or something similar. While you might not find partners directly at these events, it is great to meet like-minded friends.

You might also try meetup.com my area has several groups that are some flavor of ethical non-monogamy (ENM)

Asking for clarity, have you considered finding a life partner who is also NM, but currently partnered? I ask because I know that even though the common narrative is men w/multiple committed women, I've known women who have two (or more) committed partners they plan to spend the rest of their lives with, have kids, own property as an LLC, etc. I'd actually prefer a set-up where my husband and I lived with another partner (we don't date the same people) but neither of us has dated anyone who is looking for something that long-term/committed and it's something that has to form organically.

My experience is that finding people you gel with in ENM circles is exceedingly difficult. I've been doing this for over a decade and while I've had people who have expressed sexual interest, finding people who want to grab coffee, see a movie, or go on a day trip with (at least without the potential/promise of sex) has been next to impossible. I don't use sex as a way to get to know someone and I don't flirt but it seems that is the driver for most people.

As a relationship anarchist, I’d have to say yes. I’ve always thought that this is the sort of thing that customized relationships are perfect for. Asexuals with hypersexuals, gay with straight, kinky with vanilla, doesn’t matter, because you’re defining the terms of your relationship separate from societal expectations.

Will it be easy? Hell no!

A lot of people shy away from RA because a lot of abusers use it as a way to say “I’ve got my Shit handled, you do you” which is shitty, and no way to treat a partner.

I’d suggest Building Open Relationships by Liz Powell Building Open Relationships

I have one like this. Liberator Fascinator. It’s fantastic Liberator Fascinator Throw Moisture Proof Blanket, Red https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01N100ARI/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_4D6SV9R8NZWHB827ANZK

Oh it's just a lightweight thing I have, not even sure where it came from lol. This one is similar one:

Amazon Basics Oversized Quilt Coverlet Bed Set - King, Dark Grey Floral https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B07CP6T5KD/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_i_S4SZM9VRVVQ33X5DN2PC

I think it's awesome that we've managed to come to a place of agreement on this! Thanks for your reply!

As for norse gods, I'm an Atheist, but culturally I keep saying "god" as an exclamation and having to delete it. Otherwise I'd be more inclined towards Munin, but Munin isn't even a god, and it's more about the software (http://munin-monitoring.org/) anyway.

I have been a therapist for sex workers for about twenty years. All of the sex workers advertise in stealthy ways on all of the dating apps such as match.com and the rest. It's very easy. They also are everywhere that lonely hearts advertise. Don't forget PrivateDelights.ch You will find one but be a great client and you will find a great quality of lady.

You might try couplesnextdoor.com and/or the feeld app.

I think you'll just need to be very explicit about what you're looking for: a couple for FWB. I imagine the reason you're having trouble finding what you want is that it's incredibly specific, and many people are looking for something else, either swinging or poly.

As for avoiding the couple who says they're looking for FWB just to fuck, it seems like you'd want to start with being friends first, establish that relationship, then work in the benefits after you've built a solid friendship.

Have you considered how you would handle a situation where someone involved in your relationship does develop feelings beyond friendship, either the two of you or the other couple? That is, you say you aren't looking for love beyond the two of you, but if it were to happen, would you be okay with that? Or would you shut the relationship down as a result? If it's the latter, that's a huge risk you're asking the other couple to take, which may again contribute to difficulty finding a compatible couple because they don't want to take the risk.

Many suggest that you should take a year of reading, research and consideration before opening.

check out skipped steps in opening

and the ethical slut

Also be aware that many men find it much more difficult to find partners than women so make sure that you'll be OK if she is out dating while you are home alone.

You should also take some time to agree boundaries like how many dates per week? Overnight dates? Multi day dates? trips?, Always use protection? Even at home? STD tests regularly? What to do if someone gets feelings? What about pregnancies? What if either of you wants to close?

Good luck

Non-monogamy is actually far more common than we admit. In much of Western society, we have embraced serial non-monogamy, where we date and fuck one person after another. You sound like you are drawn to practicing parallel non-monogamy, where you date and fuck more than one person at the same time.

It can be helpful to think of being non-monogmous as an orientation, instead of a behaviour choice. What and whom you are drawn to is part of who you are. How you choose to act upon that draw is often how we sort ourselves into categories. These categories are often somewhat artificial, as there's it's more a gradient between gay and straight, kink and vanilla, etc.

You are certainly drawn to non-monogamy. Now you get to choose, if, how and when you act upon that.

You can't fool yourself. That orientation - the draw to be with more than one person - that's going to be there. You can embrace it and act on it with love, care and ethical practice, or you can not and feel guilty about who you are.

I've noticed in your post that you externalize the attractions you feel. That's a way to start to understand what you're struggling with while letting yourself off the hook for holding yourself responsible. There are other ways.

If you haven't yet read "The Ethical Slut" give it a try. Keep a journal as you read it. Does that sound like you? Where does it not?

Talk to your husband and go back to therapy. But, ask your therapist candidates if they feel ethical non-monogamy is possible. You wouldn't go to a therapist who thinks you can "therapy the straight away", so going to one who thinks you can "therapy the non-monogamous away" isn't going to help you either.

How you choose to act on your desires will help build your sense of who you are and who you can be in the world and in loving relationships.

It’s a book about jealousy, the emotions associated with it, all the different nuances within it, with lots of exercises on how to deal with each type of jealousy AND it’s entirely focused toward open relationships. It’s really incredible.

You definitely need to get it.

It’ll help you understand jealousy in ways you probably can’t imagine, like a much deeper understanding.

It’ll help you pinpoint where your jealousy comes from, so you can unpack it.

Once you pinpoint it, it has strategies and exercises to help you deal and work through it.

https://www.amazon.com/Jealousy-Workbook-Exercises-Insights-Relationships/dp/0937609633/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?adgrpid=58802179671&amp;dchild=1&amp;gclid=Cj0KCQjwwNWKBhDAARIsAJ8Hkhdv1iVNKTz-O14VNwcYsCQYBMLG2NjZ7qivoSJpXTkbiNZw2ylRKh4aAu9hEALw_wcB&amp;hvad...

I wasn't comparing slavery to monogamy, I was using it to show that individuals can be nice but the relation is still unethical. You can have a nice boss, but it's fundamentally a relationship of dominance. As with monogamy, you have to constantly monitor yourself and your partner to assure that they aren't "cheating" or "getting to close to anyone."

I don't say "racism doesn't happen to me therefore racism doesn't exist," which is similar to how you said yesterday "I don't get called a slut or whore on my Porn Hub page" leaving us to infer you don't think it happens at all elsewhere.

By standing up for monogamy, that's standing up for allowing non-monogamous people to be called "sluts" and "whores", and OF content creators getting doxxed. It's standing behind an institution built on rape and violence. Monogamy was what helped accelerate wiping out the Native Americans aside from disease and war (Thorton, 1990).

Monogmous people use the threat of public slander and even throwing people out onto the street if "they're disloyal." If y'all really cared about "letting people be" you would be upset about that instead of some agitating white guy like me. I don't have or want the power coerce you, but monogamous people do.

A lot of the mistakes that people new to ENM make are usually rooted in things that they didn't realise they didn't know they needed answers to.

With that in mind, I would like to recommend two books, ideally read by the two of you together.

The first is Stepping Off The Relationship Escalator by Amy Gahran. I recommend this because it is an excellent starting point for people (regardless of their relationship orientation) to start recognising the societal conditioning that we have absorbed about what a relationship should be and how it should develop and instead start learning how we can make active choices about what our relationships should look like based on our individual needs. They may end up being pretty close to or exactly like what the social ideal is but it's better to make that choice for ourselves.

The second is The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola. This is a combination of workshop style exercises and truth bombs that aim to allow you to unpack the origins and triggers for your insecurities and offers tools on how you might deal with them.

Good luck!

This are the book(s) I have read that have helped me

https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X

https://www.amazon.com/When-Someone-Love-Polyamorous-Understanding/dp/0996460187

These cover all kinds of possibilities and forms of communication and will guide you into the types that fit for you and how they were successful for others.

My personal advice that my partner taught me and worked well for him is be honest about what you want, who is involved, if they ask then answer but if they don't then roll with it, get tested regularly and then some and make sure the people you are with get tested and let you see their results, always use protection even if you 100% trust the other people. Have fun, experiment. Always get consent and ask twice just to make sure you heard them the first time. You can only grow as a person. Also be open to intimacy and not just physical after a time because you never know what you will benefit from. Have boundaries for sure but clear one that you've put thought into and have found along the way. Also don't be greedy, if you're waiting on test results for Twitter party then wait and have some online foreplay in the mean time because it will only pay off. Also you get to protect yourself, your person and anyone else that comes along physically, mentally, and emotionally. There will be compromise and negotiations. All of this fun will also have equal parts work so put in the work. Also don'tont just be out for yourself, that might seem fun but it's not, it dulls your experience and can ruin theirs.

https://www.amazon.com/Jealousy-Workbook-Exercises-Insights-Relationships/dp/0937609633/ref=sr_1_

This is a pretty good book about this concept:
https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Yes-Negotiating-Agreement-Without/dp/0143118757

Some may consider this book outdated, but it's basically the Bible of nonmonogamy to millions of us: <em>The Ethical Slut</em>.

It's called the Jealousy Workbook. It's available on Amazon. Check local bookstores, it's becoming increasingly available.

https://www.amazon.com/Jealousy-Workbook-Exercises-Insights-Relationships/dp/0937609633

Couples opening up make a lot of mistakes in the beginning for two main reasons in my view. They don't communicate effectively what their needs and insecurities are and they don't know what kinds of things they should be learning about (it's a pretty big learning curve).

I recently read 8 Things I Wish I'd Known About Polyamory and I highly recommend it for those starting out. It's a very short book with only 8 chapters so it's something you and your partner can read together in one sitting. It also has a lot of recommended reading suggestions as you go through (for instance, when it talks about jealousy, it recommends a book specifically on navigating jealousy in polyamory rather than trying to cover everything about jealousy within the book itself).

The key to having a successful opening in my view is learning from other people's mistakes first.

>He wants to have his cake and eat it by keeping the emotional stability and support with me, and also fulfill whatever sexual desires he has.

You also "want to have your cake and eat it" by choosing to be physically away and expecting him to stay celibate, wouldn't you agree?

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> If anything I just want him to get what he needs and get out. No same person twice.

How would you feel about someone who fucked you and immediately discarded you?

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> If you loved someone wouldn't you do your best to wait for them?

Conversely, if you loved someone, wouldn't you stay physically with them instead of pursuing your own interests abroad?

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>How do you guys deal with this?

Here's my advice: you both buy this wonderfull book entitled "Opening Up", read it and proceed from there.

>So what should I do?

Start by understanding what it means to "open up". My suggestion is for both of you to buy and read this wonderful book appropriately titled "Opening Up". It will give both of you the tools and the necessary framework to discuss non-monogamy in a rational and understanding manner.

Good luck!

I am far from being qualified on heliping others grow their self-esteem or maturity. There is a book that I know of that has helped some people build their self-esteem; it's called The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem and is quite affordable. In particular, my wife has read it and it helped her quite a bit. Good luck!

Check out Come As You Are by Nagoski. It will help you understand the libido gap. It's probably different than you're thinking. Not sure. That books is great thought.

Sure! Here’s the Amazon link.

Edit to add: this is an excerpt from the book to give you a better idea of it’s content. This .pdf is about helping to understand your relationship orientation.

I have a lot of questions about y'all's sex life first because some things are concerning to me:

Who usually initiates, you or her?
How much foreplay/oral/manual sex/etc. do you do?
Has she mentioned any history of sexual abuse?
Have the two of you ever tried to to troubleshoot her orgasms by just having a session where you only focus on her in a low pressure environment?
Does she masturbate? If not, have you asked her why?
How does she act during sex? Is it like emotional release sobbing or is it like barely holding back tears crying?

It really sounds like she's forcing herself to have sex with you for some reason. Sometimes girls feel pressured or obligated to have sex when they don't actually want to because they want to make their partner happy, even if their partner isn't actually applying any direct pressure to them to do so. It's real fucked up and most guys are pretty horrified to learn about it. Definitely talk with her about it and ask her why she feels this way and reassure her you're not going to judge her.

She may also be gay and either doesn't know yet or doesn't want to admit it because she doesn't want to hurt you. In fact, this might actually be the likeliest scenario.

Also I would highly recommend getting her a copy of Emily Nagoski's Come As You Are to help her learn to troubleshoot her own orgasms and become more comfortable with her body, because repression is a bitch and it's really hard to overcome without resources like this.

Talk. Talk it to death. Talk until you don't think there's anything else to talk about. You have the rest of your lives, so take time to talk. As you talk; be honest and advocate for yourselves, these are harder skills to learn than you might think.

Read The Ethical Slut and More Than Two.

Look for poly communities in your area, they're more common than you might think. The single most valuable resource I have had on my journey has been more experienced people to learn from. There are classes and workshops for just what you are thinking about doing, check them out.

I really like The Jealousy Workbook. It's focused on helping people manage the anxiety that some people experience in open relationships. I found it more helpful than any of the other books people typically recommend.

When you speak about your libido, I'm wondering if you've read the book "Come As You Are"? I feel like women compare their libidos to men's...or the invigorating drive we have at the beginning of a new relationship. Nothing could be farther from the truth. For most women, there's not a constant drive as it is for men. I'm wondering if exploring your libido and your sexual relationship together might feel safer right now?

Would you rather put up with anxiety attacks and her or would you rather get over your shyness? That feeling of "...there will never be another..." comes to everyone. There should not be another exactly like her! They are all special or you should not waste time with them.

I had that feeling when I lost my girlfriend a few years back. I had two others at the time and still felt like the world was splitting apart under me.

There will be no replacing her, but there will be other women I enjoy meeting, even if I never kiss them. There will be others for you too...so long as you keep going.

Some advice, unasked for...

• Join a martial art, anything with a weekly schedule, go twice a week...if you can't find a dvd on bittorrent to follow along with...I swear it sounds stupid, but there's something to it
• Walk outside, even if you hate it, for 20 minutes...pick a spot at the park or a coffee shop or a university area to be around your peers
• Put away the pictures of the two of you, the music you shared, find new artists/bands/music. Get some cheap vintage posters or wallpaper or paint your room.
• Check out "The art of happiness" by the dali llama ... there's a chunk in there about self-less love and non-attachment.

Reading this book together may help. It covers pretty much every form of non-monogamy and will certainly give you a lot to think about and discuss. http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X